I think there is something wrong with me.
My one friend talked to White and she agreed to speak with me, at least to tell me why she did what she did. The only explanation that she gave him was that I did something that she had told me over and over not to do. I'm not completely sure what she is talking about, but I have a couple ideas (that happen to be at complete opposite ends of things). Either way, there is a part of me that just wants to be really angry at her for what she did and what had happened. This is especially true because I warned her in advance about everything and because she had given her word that she would not do exactly what she just did. Sometimes I think that I can probably say just about anything because nobody will listen or believe me anyways. It sucks. In terms of the worse thing, the situation where I really do feel bad about what I had done and is most likely what she is upset about, I had even warned her about that too. I had told her how I could become when I got really really depressed, and then I had told her later that I was really really depressed. She had been pushing for it, both in spirit and body, and we both even had made references to the fact that I wasn't into it the way that she was pushing for it. Even when things had gotten as bad as they got, the reason why they only went so far and not farther was because I didn't want to. All I wanted was to be there for her in absolutely any way that I could regardless of what it meant for myself. She did want to and pushed for it right up to the point where it was once again made obvious that I wasn't ok with doing it. I admit, when I am like that I don't think through things and make the best decisions, I just react to what the other person is doing by doing whatever they are wanting for me to do. I will not make an excuse, that is my fault and my mistake that I need to grow to be able to fix. I do not try to claim that I am innocent in anything that happened. But neither do I deserve this and neither am I the one at greater fault in this circumstance. I made my mistake because I cared but did so without thought of the results, she pushed the way that she did out of selfishness and wanting something. At least she stopped short of completely violating me, but she decided to betray me instead. I would have very much preferred that she had done it the other way around.
I know this and know that I should feel really upset at her about this and know that I should probably throw it in her face to make sure that she doesn't try to hide behind blaming me and so that she will think about this before doing the same thing again. I should do this for myself and for what may most likely come next for her, this is the type of righteous indignation that I should have against her. But I don't. I know that if I did see her the one most important question that I would have, even if I asked nothing else, would be "Are you ok? Is there anything I can do to help you?". Even after all of that, I'm not sure I could even try to hold everything against her, since my pain would then only be mine and would not hurt her.
That said, this entire situation has hurt me far worse than I know how to describe. In essence she has proven to me that I cannot even hope to have a long lasting friendship with someone with similar problems as me without them turning away from me. Even someone who is as close as most anyone will ever be able to likely get to understanding me will choose to abandon me. And I won't even try to force them not to even if it is for my own sake. So I think that I just may not be able to ever find someone to be with me. I don't know if I can ever truly be happy without that type of connection and yet I am more and more thinking that this may be impossible for me to ever find. I'm not even sure how much real good I am doing for my friends or how much my presence only ends up eventually hurting them more once that other stuff that follows me finally effects them. Then I look around and say to myself, "if I can't have anything for myself and I can't do anything for others that could not be done by someone who wouldn't bring them so much trouble, than what is the point of my being here at all?" Right now my grandmother is the only one who, more than just being sad, would be actually burdened if I was not around anymore. I don't know what will happen when she finally dies. I will have no one else that genuinely needs me here. Earlier this summer I had been thinking about at least trying to find someone and had even asked some people about who they thought might be a good match for me. I had found someone that pretty much everyone had thought might work. But nothing can come of that now. I can't bring myself to reach out to try to get that close to someone after what has happened. I can barely reach out to the friends who are already around me. In fact there have been several cases where I couldn't reach out to those who were around me. Those I times where I have tried to reach out have been out of desperation without any real hope or expectation that anything may happen. And even all of this is only so light as it is because I chose to not believe her when she said that she would be there for me. Was I right to distrust her? Does it even matter? I feel horrible about not at least trying to believe in her, but I would have been crushed if I had tried to reach out and had my hope crushed again. But if I truly don't matter in all of this than everything becomes much better. I can take on most any indignation because it might help someone else. Every pain and trouble that I endure is water under the bridge or a difficulty so small that it is not worth mentioning in the light of everything else. And yet, I have lived my entire life trying to reach out and doing absolutely everything that I knew to do for others. I have reached the edge of my strength and literally collapsed under the weight of the burdens that I cannot escape while I am both alive and care for others. There is no such thing as "fairness" in life or in circumstances. Those who claim "karma" are far more cruel than they will ever admit to themselves. And I, trying to reach out and find some place on this planet where I can have the simple pleasures of having a good wife, having good friends, and being a good person; have instead found pain and betrayal and hopelessness. But in this case all I was trying to do was be her friend despite my own pain and brokenness.