Old Update.
This is probably going to be long so if you want to:
A couple days ago I wrote this and put it on an anonymous site:
She isn't talking to me and is making it an issue whenever we are both in a group. She won't tell me what I did to make her so upset and her cryptic answer to others of "he did something that I asked him over and over not to do" doesn't help. You lied to you father and pastor so that you could get the "ok" to act this way. And all of this happened despite knowing how much it would hurt me if you dropped me out of your life and despite giving your word that you wouldn't abandon me like that.
What most people don't know is that the thing she repeatedly told me was that I shouldn't fall in love with her. The last thing that happened before she became less open was that she tried taking advantage of me sexually when I was so emotionally weak that I couldn't resist and only stopped when it became clear that I was just letting her move and direct things forward as she liked. She did this despite my having told her repeatedly how emotionally weak I was and despite knowing that others had taken advantage of me similarly. Her boyfriend had disappeared and she came, despite knowing the pain and scars that it had caused when the others had done the same, and said that she just wanted to have sex with someone. I wanted to hold her and comfort her pain but she moved past a simple hug. I had told her no before and nothing had changed.
What even my closest friends don't know is how much this hurt me. She was a friend who could understand some of the weirdest things in my life because she dealt with some similar things. Things so unusual that many people, upon hearing them, would cut me out of their life despite the fact that I didn't hurt anyone and had lost all regard for my own well-being in order to ensure that others were safe. She used the pain and lack of self regard that had grown out of what I am to allow her to seek to satisfy her own selfish interests. The pain had been so great before that I had lost all hope that I could find someone who might be romantically interested in me for myself. Now that pain and hopelessness has spread to my friendships and I have become afraid of anyone who is a friend that shows romantic interest out of the fear that I might loose their friendship when they realize that I can't offer them romance. I need my friends and companions, I can't survive without them. And all this because she decided to treat me like a consolation prize of a fuck buddy and then blame me for not being into it. And yes, I do understand how messed up it is to be so hurt about the actions of someone who obviously acted with such disregard for my own value and well-being.
What I can't tell her is that, despite everything that she has done to me and is continuing to do, I still care for her. I am afraid for her well-being throughout and also because of this. She depends on God more than she probably realizes, but if God were to give her the same type of "forgiveness" that she has given me than she would very literally die from all her health problems and other struggles. Because of those medical problems and other things we know that she is going to get cancer within the next few months and she is afraid that she won't survive it. I worry that the only reason that she is with her boyfriend (now fiance) and quick marriage is because she doesn't think she has a chance to find anyone else and so she is preparing to die. I worry that she would even be with a guy who was so freaked out by her story of one-time abuse that he didn't speak with her for two weeks when she has things in her past and present that make that experience look insignificant. I worry that if I do say anything about these things that it will only hurt her more by either bringing her to the point of acting in defiance rather than simple ignorance or that it will damage her other friendships. I'm worried that eventually the pain and disregard that she is inflicting on me will build up to the point where I will just do something or say something that will seriously hurt her. I don't want to hurt anyone, even if they do "deserve" it.
It was only afterward that I realized what had been happening. She had really hurt me more than I had realized and other circumstances hadn't helped either. About a week ago I tried to talk to a friend and a pastor about some of the stuff that had happened to me. That didn't go well. First they made fun of me and called me prideful for saying that I was smarter than most people and that I had some skills that other people couldn't learn. Then they said that I was following the devil because the things I said didn't match up with how they thought spiritual things worked. Most of their problems with it were a misunderstanding but by that point the pastor guy told me that he "had heard enough" whenever I tried to explain and my friend just sat there. I had expected some level of this, since they were pentecostal, but I had expected that they would at least let me finish. The pastor ended by saying something that just wasn't right to say in any circumstance. I tried calling up my friend and talking to him about it but, after defending the pastor, he tried to use God as his reason to not defend me. He couldn't get off of my point of how he was sitting there in agreement with the pastor enough to see that I was talking to him about his failures, he thought that I was talking about the pastor only. Do I reach out again to try to make things right? Do I just accept what he has done to me and treat it like it is nothing? I don't know if he even cares enough about me personally to try to reach out toward me or if he is going to just give up.
Girl A sent me a message the other day as well. Apparently the reason why it has been months since I have been trying to see her (without success) is that she has been busy. She tells me that everything is great, but she still won't acknowledge me in front of anyone. I really did not need this now. I can't give up on her since I still care, but I can't do anything because it seems that she doesn't. I sent her back a message calling BS on her excuses. If I hear back from her at all I expect it to be angry, but I don't actually expect to hear back till things fall apart for her and at that point I'm not sure what I would do when it becomes so obvious that I am little more that a consolation prize for what will come when what she really wants isn't there. Actually, no, I expect to hear back from her before things fall apart and a number of times because that would hurt far worse. And while I have no real expectation that things will or can work out, I do not have any reason to believe that they won't get worse.
I have a couple female friends that I have gotten close to. Until recently it seemed odd that, whenever I tried to wonder about the possibility of there being a romantic connection, I simply couldn't do it. Something froze up in me and wouldn't follow through. I had a particularly hard night where I needed a hug and had a dream of one of them reaching out to me, but It just didn't work. I tried to chalk it down to something else at the time. Finally another girl tried to show some physical affection toward me that was a bit more sexual. I couldn't react at all, it was as if it just wasn't happening. The only thing that happened was that I felt a bit sick and then later felt ill and extremely depressed.
A couple days ago I wrote this and put it on an anonymous site:
She isn't talking to me and is making it an issue whenever we are both in a group. She won't tell me what I did to make her so upset and her cryptic answer to others of "he did something that I asked him over and over not to do" doesn't help. You lied to you father and pastor so that you could get the "ok" to act this way. And all of this happened despite knowing how much it would hurt me if you dropped me out of your life and despite giving your word that you wouldn't abandon me like that.
What most people don't know is that the thing she repeatedly told me was that I shouldn't fall in love with her. The last thing that happened before she became less open was that she tried taking advantage of me sexually when I was so emotionally weak that I couldn't resist and only stopped when it became clear that I was just letting her move and direct things forward as she liked. She did this despite my having told her repeatedly how emotionally weak I was and despite knowing that others had taken advantage of me similarly. Her boyfriend had disappeared and she came, despite knowing the pain and scars that it had caused when the others had done the same, and said that she just wanted to have sex with someone. I wanted to hold her and comfort her pain but she moved past a simple hug. I had told her no before and nothing had changed.
What even my closest friends don't know is how much this hurt me. She was a friend who could understand some of the weirdest things in my life because she dealt with some similar things. Things so unusual that many people, upon hearing them, would cut me out of their life despite the fact that I didn't hurt anyone and had lost all regard for my own well-being in order to ensure that others were safe. She used the pain and lack of self regard that had grown out of what I am to allow her to seek to satisfy her own selfish interests. The pain had been so great before that I had lost all hope that I could find someone who might be romantically interested in me for myself. Now that pain and hopelessness has spread to my friendships and I have become afraid of anyone who is a friend that shows romantic interest out of the fear that I might loose their friendship when they realize that I can't offer them romance. I need my friends and companions, I can't survive without them. And all this because she decided to treat me like a consolation prize of a fuck buddy and then blame me for not being into it. And yes, I do understand how messed up it is to be so hurt about the actions of someone who obviously acted with such disregard for my own value and well-being.
What I can't tell her is that, despite everything that she has done to me and is continuing to do, I still care for her. I am afraid for her well-being throughout and also because of this. She depends on God more than she probably realizes, but if God were to give her the same type of "forgiveness" that she has given me than she would very literally die from all her health problems and other struggles. Because of those medical problems and other things we know that she is going to get cancer within the next few months and she is afraid that she won't survive it. I worry that the only reason that she is with her boyfriend (now fiance) and quick marriage is because she doesn't think she has a chance to find anyone else and so she is preparing to die. I worry that she would even be with a guy who was so freaked out by her story of one-time abuse that he didn't speak with her for two weeks when she has things in her past and present that make that experience look insignificant. I worry that if I do say anything about these things that it will only hurt her more by either bringing her to the point of acting in defiance rather than simple ignorance or that it will damage her other friendships. I'm worried that eventually the pain and disregard that she is inflicting on me will build up to the point where I will just do something or say something that will seriously hurt her. I don't want to hurt anyone, even if they do "deserve" it.
It was only afterward that I realized what had been happening. She had really hurt me more than I had realized and other circumstances hadn't helped either. About a week ago I tried to talk to a friend and a pastor about some of the stuff that had happened to me. That didn't go well. First they made fun of me and called me prideful for saying that I was smarter than most people and that I had some skills that other people couldn't learn. Then they said that I was following the devil because the things I said didn't match up with how they thought spiritual things worked. Most of their problems with it were a misunderstanding but by that point the pastor guy told me that he "had heard enough" whenever I tried to explain and my friend just sat there. I had expected some level of this, since they were pentecostal, but I had expected that they would at least let me finish. The pastor ended by saying something that just wasn't right to say in any circumstance. I tried calling up my friend and talking to him about it but, after defending the pastor, he tried to use God as his reason to not defend me. He couldn't get off of my point of how he was sitting there in agreement with the pastor enough to see that I was talking to him about his failures, he thought that I was talking about the pastor only. Do I reach out again to try to make things right? Do I just accept what he has done to me and treat it like it is nothing? I don't know if he even cares enough about me personally to try to reach out toward me or if he is going to just give up.
Girl A sent me a message the other day as well. Apparently the reason why it has been months since I have been trying to see her (without success) is that she has been busy. She tells me that everything is great, but she still won't acknowledge me in front of anyone. I really did not need this now. I can't give up on her since I still care, but I can't do anything because it seems that she doesn't. I sent her back a message calling BS on her excuses. If I hear back from her at all I expect it to be angry, but I don't actually expect to hear back till things fall apart for her and at that point I'm not sure what I would do when it becomes so obvious that I am little more that a consolation prize for what will come when what she really wants isn't there. Actually, no, I expect to hear back from her before things fall apart and a number of times because that would hurt far worse. And while I have no real expectation that things will or can work out, I do not have any reason to believe that they won't get worse.
I have a couple female friends that I have gotten close to. Until recently it seemed odd that, whenever I tried to wonder about the possibility of there being a romantic connection, I simply couldn't do it. Something froze up in me and wouldn't follow through. I had a particularly hard night where I needed a hug and had a dream of one of them reaching out to me, but It just didn't work. I tried to chalk it down to something else at the time. Finally another girl tried to show some physical affection toward me that was a bit more sexual. I couldn't react at all, it was as if it just wasn't happening. The only thing that happened was that I felt a bit sick and then later felt ill and extremely depressed.