One thing I noticed was your use of "thin" in the first of half of this piece - after the third time in one paragraph, all the other appearances of the word popped out unpleasantly. I'm no editor, but I thought I'd note this for you.
I love the ending paragraph and line. The contrast is striking.
Oh, God. Now you've mentioned that, it's glaringly obvious. I shall have to change that. Isn't it weird how sometimes you don't notice? Actually, I'll need to find out if there's a function of Word that lets you see the frequency of each word.
Thank you for your comments - always brilliant! I was sad not to see an entry from you this week...
Well, I'll still probably use the prompts as a source of inspiration until next month rolls around and I can re-enter. Last week I was unable to produce anything by Monday afternoon, which was the last time I was near my computer; I didn't get home until Saturday night. Honestly, as I've said elsewhere, "brilliance" really stumped me -- which is too bad, because next week's prompt is full to bursting with possibilities. :(
Note from the editor~past0rl_insantyAugust 20 2008, 19:15:28 UTC
Hello! I'm one of your editors this week. Some of the things I haven't aren't edits, more like questions that I asked myself while reading this.
nary a fight nor a wobble: You sometimes get a lot of old-fashioned wording. Cut nary right out and you can use a better word that doesn't sound so old. And while I see how you think wobble can work, people aren't really going to think of it in the same terms. Wobbling is primarily for movement, not exactly how their feelings flux around.
That wry little smirk.: As a sentence all by itself, it seems like it's missing something. Maybe even adding in "there was" in front will make it sound better.
shopping trolley.: Up until this point, I thought they were at home in the privacy of their own kitchen. It makes for their following PDA a little intense for a grocery store.
You've a nerve: Maybe "You had the nerve".
and she made that: Take out 'and', capitalize 'She' and change 'that' to 'the'. When you use 'that' in a situation like this, I'm kind of lost when it comes to your narrator
( ... )
Re: Note from the editor~past0rl_insantyAugust 20 2008, 19:15:48 UTC
made him choke; he could barely see.: Split into two sentences. You can still allude back to how thick the smoke was so it was hindering his view, but seeing and choking aren't too related, and two sentences would make it stronger.
stop...: You don't need the ellipsis. lest: you could use a stronger phrase here. Something like "he would have to duck to avoid any further injury". Also, 'duck' implies going down, so you don't have to say 'duck down'
"Your lies are venomous! Every word you speak is blackguard!": I feel like I was suddenly on the scene of a Shakespearean play. Or just an attempt to be very dramatic but not really working. She lives in modern times, even if she's some special-powered person. Give her more of a modern speech pattern for something like this. Because if it's short and sweet, the better.
to his sheltering shelf.: At first I didn't notice, and was going to suggest changing his to the, but then reading it over again 'sheltering shelf' just sounds kind of funny. "Alex would have been thrown backwards if he
( ... )
Re: Note from the editor~the_panic_lightAugust 20 2008, 20:36:35 UTC
Thank you. I'll certainly take these points on board if I do a re-edit. A few of your points make what is natural English to me into an American-sounding turn of phrase...
Re: Note from the editor~past0rl_insantyAugust 20 2008, 20:38:07 UTC
Yeah I was kind of afraid of "what's more American" and "what's more UK" when I was reading it, so I just pointed them out none-the-less haha Just go with whatever you are comfortable with!
“It was so corny, but he just couldn't help but laugh” - No comma before ‘but’ “clangerously” - Do you mean dangerously? ” and the trolley had stopped rolling.” - That section of sentence doesn’t really fit with the rest of it. If it was made into a separate sentence, it would have more power. “The smoke from the fires was thick, but he could see here and there” - No comma before ‘but’ “screamings” should be screams “moanings” should be moans “backwards has he not” should be “backwards had he not” “hand for his and” should be “hand from his and”
This story definitely took a twist that I wasn’t expecting! I really like the imagery your descriptions brought to mind as I was reading it. I would love to learn more about Ellen, who she really was, and how the spider-like man managed to get a contract on her life.
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I love the ending paragraph and line. The contrast is striking.
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Thank you for your comments - always brilliant! I was sad not to see an entry from you this week...
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Intense story. Well written and reads quite fast.
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nary a fight nor a wobble: You sometimes get a lot of old-fashioned wording. Cut nary right out and you can use a better word that doesn't sound so old. And while I see how you think wobble can work, people aren't really going to think of it in the same terms. Wobbling is primarily for movement, not exactly how their feelings flux around.
That wry little smirk.: As a sentence all by itself, it seems like it's missing something. Maybe even adding in "there was" in front will make it sound better.
shopping trolley.: Up until this point, I thought they were at home in the privacy of their own kitchen. It makes for their following PDA a little intense for a grocery store.
You've a nerve: Maybe "You had the nerve".
and she made that: Take out 'and', capitalize 'She' and change 'that' to 'the'. When you use 'that' in a situation like this, I'm kind of lost when it comes to your narrator ( ... )
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stop...: You don't need the ellipsis.
lest: you could use a stronger phrase here. Something like "he would have to duck to avoid any further injury". Also, 'duck' implies going down, so you don't have to say 'duck down'
"Your lies are venomous! Every word you speak is blackguard!": I feel like I was suddenly on the scene of a Shakespearean play. Or just an attempt to be very dramatic but not really working. She lives in modern times, even if she's some special-powered person. Give her more of a modern speech pattern for something like this. Because if it's short and sweet, the better.
to his sheltering shelf.: At first I didn't notice, and was going to suggest changing his to the, but then reading it over again 'sheltering shelf' just sounds kind of funny. "Alex would have been thrown backwards if he ( ... )
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“It was so corny, but he just couldn't help but laugh” - No comma before ‘but’
“clangerously” - Do you mean dangerously?
” and the trolley had stopped rolling.” - That section of sentence doesn’t really fit with the rest of it. If it was made into a separate sentence, it would have more power.
“The smoke from the fires was thick, but he could see here and there” - No comma before ‘but’
“screamings” should be screams
“moanings” should be moans
“backwards has he not” should be “backwards had he not”
“hand for his and” should be “hand from his and”
This story definitely took a twist that I wasn’t expecting! I really like the imagery your descriptions brought to mind as I was reading it. I would love to learn more about Ellen, who she really was, and how the spider-like man managed to get a contract on her life.
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