"The Beginning After the End" Part 6
Katie stared up at her ceiling through half-closed eyes, listening to the rhythm of Emily’s breathing from where she lay beside her. As the seventeenth car drove past their house (yes, Katie had been counting the glow of headlights as they crossed the ceiling), she resigned herself to giving up all futile attempts at sleep. She sat up in bed slowly, careful so as to not wake her sister, and slipped on a pair of sweatpants and sandals. Pulling on a jacket, she glanced at Emily’s bag and saw a pack of fags peeking out invitingly.
Fuck it.
Katie pocketed them. Her quiet exit was interrupted when she noticed a letter taped to the front door. Emily’s name was written across the front. Katie considered opening it, then thought better of it and retreated back up to her room, placing it on the nightstand so Emily would see it upon waking. Then she left, walking in the direction of the cemetery. It had been a while since she’d visited Freddie.
If anyone knows anything about being hopelessly in love with Effy, it’s him.
~ ~ ~
The moon was bright, bright enough for Effy to be able to read Freddie’s name over and over again. She kept having the urge to pull a bottle out of her purse, and consistently had to remind herself that she wasn’t drinking.
“Freddie,” she said. The sound of her voice startled her; it was surprisingly calm. “I don’t know how to do this. I don’t even know where to start.”
She reached out and touched the engraved marble, running her fingers over the letters as she had time and time again. Only this time, she actually felt them.
“Why do I keep finding myself back here?” she asked aloud. “What keeps pulling me back to you?”
Forgive yourself your fear.
The words came so easily to her mind, it was as if someone opened her skull and dropped them in there purposefully. She gasped inaudibly, her fingers hovering around the curve of the E.
“That’s it, isn’t it,” she whispered. “It was you.”
A breeze pushed her hair to the side, kissed the back of her neck. Her hair stood on end.
“You and JJ. You little shit.”
The breeze brushed the tears on her face, made them grow cold against her skin.
“I thought you’d be so angry with me.”
It blew against her, warm and inviting. It pushed the chill from the air and held her suspended in the moment. For an instant she could see the tombstone clear as day, clear as the day they buried him.
She thought of Katie’s face, the image of her profile as Effy had bent down to kiss her neck playfully. It had been playful at the time, she thought. Drunken, nothing, playful. And then she knew.
“I’m so sorry,” she whispered, covering her mouth. A sob escaped through her fingers. “ I’m so sorry it’s taken me this long to--”
A final breeze filled her with warmth and silenced her. She wiped her nose on the back of her hand and laid in the cool grass, curled up around herself, stroking the marble. Stroking, stroking.
“Be with me tonight,” she said quietly. “One last time.”
~ ~ ~
“You know, I never really liked you,” Katie began conversationally, pulling a fag from Emily’s pack and lighting it. “I didn’t realize it at the time, I don’t think. I just wanted to get at Effy.”
The wind stirred a few dead leaves around her feet, then grew still. She inhaled the smoke, remembering what Effy taught her that night at the pier. The laughter in her eyes, still so bright that morning, made Katie sigh all the smoke out at once.
“Get at her, mind you,” Katie clarified, regaining her composure. “Not...not get her. I didn’t want to pull her then. D’you know what I mean?” She laughed nervously, put off by how easy the conversation was going even before she reached the cemetery. “It’s weird, talking to the dead. I feel like you know everything I’m going to say.”
Katie took another drag, ignoring the burning in her throat and how it made her mouth water unpleasantly. She exhaled through her nose, then rubbed it immediately, fighting a sneeze.
“I have to tell her,” she sighed. “Can’t avoid it, can I?” She stopped mid-step, thinking. “Wait, can I? Should I? Fuck, this…” She looked around, up towards the sky. “This isn’t going to like, make you angry or anything, is it? ‘Cos I’ve got enough going on, you know, without a pissed off ghost on my hands.”
She heard trees rustling in the distance. She looked down at the ground, taking a drag, then turned her face back up towards the sky and exhaled.
“Can you do that thing where you like...give me a sign or something? That would be lovely.” She proceeded walking, sucking more smoke from her fag. It was getting easier. “Yeah, a sign would be fucking lovely…”
~ ~ ~
The moonlight shone in through the shed window, illuminating his face. He looked up at her with a sort of dreamy awe, his jaw clenched, his eyes occasionally squeezing shut and then opening again. He moved his hips in time with hers, she pressed her palms to his chest and he moved his hands up from her waist to her face, pushing her hair back before finally dipping his head over the back of the couch, letting out a loud groan as she felt him empty himself for the last time.
Then she was on her back smoking a fag, her legs sprawled across his lap, crossed at the ankles. He had his arm draped lazily across her body, rubbing her stomach with his smooth fingertips.
She exhaled a cloud of smoke up into the air and watched it hang for a moment. She felt her face relax, then turned her eyes to him. He was watching her, a smile playing at his lips.
“I’m sorry,” she said quietly.
“No apologies,” he said, stretching his hand out and beginning to rub her stomach with his full palm. “We don’t hold grudges where I am.”
“S’ppose that makes sense.” Effy licked her lips pensively. “Katie. Who knew.”
“I did, for starters. You did too. Just took you a while to realize it.”
“I did?” She looked at him.
He was looking out towards the window. “Yeah. For a while now. The bathroom thing wasn’t just a lark, you know. No coincidences.”
Effy snorted. “Does death make everyone this enigmatic, or are you special?”
He chuckled gently, situating himself between her legs and kissing her. She could smell his skin clear as day, as though everything was truly real.
She reached up and touched his face, the cigarette held daintily between her fingers. The smoke curled up around his ear. “I miss you.”
He grinned and kissed her again, then moved his hand over her heart. “I’m right here.”
“I love you, Freddie,” she whispered, touching a piece of his hair. It was so soft.
“I love you too, Effy,” he said quietly.
Everything began to go white.
“Effy.”
Whiter and whiter and whiter a bright light filling the room.
“Effy.”
Effy opened her eyes, but still there was that white light. Someone was shaking her roughly. She turned her face to the side, closed her eyes, and batted the hand away.
“Effy, shit.”
The light lowered, light from a mobile, and Effy was staring up at the sky. She blinked a few times, then registered the face that was looking down at her.
“Katie,” she said, and then she smiled, looking past the red hair up to the sky again. She began to laugh. “Katie.”
~ ~ ~
Emily had been roused slightly when Katie re-entered the room. She was half-awake and blinking slowly, staring at whatever it was Katie had put on the nightstand. After a few minutes, she realized she was staring at her name on an envelope. She clicked on Katie’s bedside light, squinting as the sudden brightness engulfed the room. She sat up and plucked the envelope up into her hands. Her head was still foggy enough for her to think it was written by Katie, but as her mind cleared she realized it wasn’t Katie’s hand that had written her name. Katie preferred large bubbly letters to this cramped, neat scrawl.
Emily took one of the corners of the envelope in her teeth and ripped downwards, then pulled out a letter.
I was wrong. Love is not kind or painless or easy. Love is not daisies and roses, love is not lace and sunlight. Love is cruel, and love is beautiful.
You know fear, the same fear she felt, the same fear that drove her to a girl who, in fear, hurled her body, already broken, off a balcony. She has repented for her fear. It’s your turn to learn forgiveness.
You know you have done nothing your entire life but wait for the moment to love her.
She read it once in bed. She read it again while she fumbled with a pair of jeans, yanking them over her legs. She read it again running down the street in a pair of Katie’s fluffy pink slippers because she couldn’t find anything else to slip on. She read it again and again, tears streaming from her eyes as she ran, breathless, clenching it in both hands as she fumbled with her keys to get in through the door.
Locked, locked, why the fuck are you locked, where’s the key why do I have so many fucking keys...
The door swung open and Emily jumped back. Naomi was holding a baseball bat over her head, preparing to swing away madly until she realized she was staring her girlfriend in the face. She lowered her weapon immediately.
“What the fuck,” she said, looking alarmed as she pulled Emily inside and closed the door. “What’s wrong? Why are you--”
“I love you,” Emily said, still gasping for air. She realized, as she spoke, that she had never stopped crying. “All my life, all my life I’ve done nothing but wait for you, and now you’re here and I thought you ruined it but you didn’t, you haven’t, it was me, it was me.”
Naomi shook her head. “What are you talking about?”
“Nothing’s ever perfect,” Emily said, then laughed at herself as if she couldn’t believe what was coming out of her mouth. “I’m not and you’re not and we’re not and love, love is never perfect. I thought it was supposed to be, and I thought you ruined it but you didn’t, you haven’t. And I understand now, Naomi.” Emily took in a deep, shuddering breath, finally managing to stop the flow of her tears. “I understand.”
“Emily,” Naomi said evenly, though her face was a mask of shock. “I’ve no idea what you’re on about, and you’re scaring me.”
“I wanted you to go back in time and undo everything, make us perfect again,” Emily said, wringing the letter in her hands. “But we were never perfect, because we’re not perfect people. No one is. You did everything you could to make it up to me, and I couldn’t forgive you. Even when we thought we had everything sorted, when I saw Mandy…” Emily paused as Naomi noticeably stiffened at the mention of Mandy’s name, then steered herself and continued. “And I thought I had made the wrong choice, that I was taking a gamble, and everything came up again and I realized I’d never really let it go. But love is a gamble, Naomi. And you’re worth it.”
Naomi’s expression softened and Emily felt herself begin to cry again. “You’re worth it. You’ve always, always, always been worth it, and I’m so sorry because I put all these stupid expectations on you, and I put you through hell when all along it’s been me, I’m the one who had to learn to forgive you. And really, I don’t even have to, because you’re human and you make mistakes. I love you anyway, I love us anyway. And I hope you can…”
Her sentence broke here as a sob flew up from her throat before she could stifle it. She gritted her teeth, sobbing again. Naomi reached towards her. She took a step back, trying to regain control. “I hope you can forgive me, and I hope I haven’t fucked everything up again by going back to being a stupid cold cunt.”
Naomi gently placed her fingers under Emily’s chin and tilted her face up to meet her eyes. She studied her expression, her tears, her gaze. Emily’s heart stopped when she finally leaned in and brought their mouths together. Naomi broke the kiss, rocking back on her heels only slightly, so that their lips still brushed.
“I love you, Emily,” Naomi whispered. “And I will love you until the day I die. Imperfections and all, cold cunt or otherwise.”
Emily collapsed against Naomi’s chest and buried her face in the crook of her neck, clutching at her, gripping her back and kissing her skin until she was certain her scent would stay with her always.
~ ~ ~
Effy’s laughter alarmed Katie to the point where she was convinced the girl was either drunk or mental again. She shook her shoulder once more, rougher this time, and tried to keep the anxiety out of her voice when she asked if she was pissed.
“No,” Effy said, shaking her off and sitting up. Her head felt a bit woozy, but she paid it no mind. “Just had a dream, is all.”
Katie snorted in disbelief. “I’ve just found you asleep at your boyfriend’s burial plot, and all you can do is tell me you’ve had a dream?”
Effy laughed again. “It was a lovely dream.”
“What was it about?”
She titled her face up towards the sky, trying to recall it. She shook her head and looked down at her knees, still smiling. “I don’t remember. But it was lovely. I feel better than I have in ages.”
“You might be the only one who can say that,” Katie replied, indicating the rows of tombstones with a sweep of her arm.
Effy laughed harder than Katie had expected her to. Personally, she didn’t think what she had said was particularly funny. In fact, she had half expected Effy to be affronted, as Freddie was amongst the dead. But Effy laughed and laughed, and Katie would have thought she was mental again, but the laughing was so pure that insanity could not possibly have anything to do with it.
Once Effy calmed herself down, she drew her leg up to her chest and leaned her chin on it. “So what brings you around here? Late night chat with our Freddie?”
“Yeah,” Katie said, then remembered what she had already begun to speak with him about. When she had seen Effy asleep on the ground, all thoughts of conversation flew from her mind. Now they came rushing back, every last detail.
“Anything in particular?” Effy asked.
Do all requests for signs get filled this quickly?
“Oh, I’m sorry,” Effy said, catching herself. “That’s sort of a personal question, isn’t it? I shouldn’t--”
“I’m in love with you.”
Katie thought it would be like the movies, where someone makes a confession of undying devotion to a person who is completely caught off-guard, and runs off. Then there’s a dramatic montage consisting of clips of the lovelorn sap walking in the rain, and the confused object of desire stumbling around in a haze of disbelief as a sad song (something like Eels’ “It’s a Motherfucker,” if Katie listened to that sort of music) plays throughout.
But Effy only blinked once, then smiled a little and sighed through her nose. “You twat. You beat me to it.”
“Wha--”
And then their lips were pressed together, and whatever Katie was going to say was lost.
~ ~ ~
JJ fiddled with the zipper of his sweatshirt absently, bouncing both legs and staring at the floor. He could make out footprints in the dust that caked the floor. He frowned, mostly out of habit, and thought the place could use a good cleaning. Then he smiled a little and sighed.
The door creaked open, revealing the surrounding yard and the blueish-pink tinge of sky above the crest of trees. JJ couldn’t make out his face until he stepped inside and closed the door behind him. He stood by a window, where light from the rising sun came streaming in gently. It lit his features on fire.
“You did good, J,” Freddie said.
A brief streak of pleasure crossed JJ’s face, then vanished. Freddie crossed the floor, kicking up clouds of dust in the process, to sit down on the couch. He looked at the leather and made a strange face, a mixture of amusement and embarrassment. JJ didn’t notice it.
“This isn’t it though, is it?” JJ asked, not looking at him. “Nothing’s changed, really.”
“That’s not true,” Freddie said, chuckling.
“Yes it is,” JJ said quietly. He looked at where his hands were folded in his lap. “You’re still gone. We’ll all still wake up in the morning and have that hole, no matter what anyone chooses or doesn’t choose to do. We’ll all still wake up in the morning and you’ll be missing.”
“You’re not quite done yet, JJ,” Freddie said. “You know that, I reckon.”
“There’s one more, isn’t there?” JJ queried, looking at him. “I knew it. I don’t want to. I don’t want to do that one.”
“You don’t have to,” Freddie replied, patting his knee and grinning. “The fun thing about life is free will. You got it til you don’t. But I think you ought to enjoy it for now. Haven’t got a thing to lose, have you?”
JJ looked back down at his hands. “I don’t want to.”
“You’ve come this far. Nothing you do will bring me back. But that doesn’t mean you can’t be happy.”
“I don’t see how I could ever be happy after everything that’s happened.”
“Oh, come off it. You were happy before you met me. You’ll be happy again with me gone. Have I steered you wrong yet? Look at everything that’s happened and tell me I’ve steered you wrong.” JJ looked at him. He had the same expression he always wore when he would try to get JJ to see sense. “Go on, then.”
JJ didn’t respond. Freddie grinned impishly, leaning back into the worn couch and sighing. JJ watched him as his eyes closed and he lay, basking in the rays of the new sun.
“I’ve missed this,” JJ said after a moment. Freddie opened his eyes and looked at him. “Our shed times. You know?”
Freddie’s answer was a short mirthful laugh and another pat on JJ’s knee. “Life goes on, even when there are people missing from it. You’ll see.”
He stood abruptly, wiping the seat of his pants of dust that wasn’t there. He slid his hands into his back pockets and turned, slowly walking backwards. “Well. Reckon I ought to get back.”
“Is this it then?” JJ asked.
“‘Course not. You know that.”
He swung the door open. The sky was brighter now. JJ leaned in, his elbows on his knees, suddenly overcome with excitement. “Freddie, before you go, can I ask you something?”
“Yeah?”
“What’s it like? Being...you know.”
“Being what?” Freddie pressed. “Charming? Good-looking?”
“Dead,” JJ clarified flatly.
Freddie titled his head back as he laughed, his throat moving with each burst as if it were made of liquid. When he settled himself, he looked at JJ and shook his head. “Can’t tell you. You’ll find out eventually. Anyway, do the right thing, J. I’ll see you.”
When the shed door closed, JJ sprung to his feet and dashed across the floor, swinging it open again. The yard was empty, a haze of gold and green from the sun. It glinted off the leaves as they changed color. JJ looked around, searching for any sign of him.
“Freddie?” he called out. He was greeted by a breeze.
He looked up towards the sky, its blue suddenly vanishing into a bright white light.