Lalala~
Do you know when you're tired? When everything is good in your life, but you know how your family makes difference on your so good humour? That's me. It's really rare for me to come here and say those things, but I REALLY need to pull this off. I think I didn't cry how much I wanted to. My mother is sucking so much, it's so hard to CONVIVE with her. It's not that she isn't a good mother, she is. She is all dedicated and caring and blablabla, but her humour sucks SO MUCH. She acts like a 12 years old girl and this makes me SO upset. I never got over the things that she made me pass when I was a child and she doesn't even know that! She'll never really accept that when I talk about traumas, I REALLY mean it. I used to have my traumas with my Dad too, but since he left home he got so much better, now I totally know why. I totally understand why my father asked for the divorce with my mother after 20 years married. She is like a WALL, you talk to her but she won't listen to you. She'll never admit when she's wrong or when it's time for her stop talking. She doesn't stop blackmailing, she doesn't stop acting like a little girl when I try to say things that she does wrong. And everything for her it's just me and my head, you see. I must be a freak or something, for having 21 years old and STILL feel things of when I was a little girl myself. My father, nowadays, say to me: "I think we forgot you were a child", because since I was too young, I got so many responsabilties on my back already. 10 years old and taking care of my little sister with 4, of the house, of her eating and mine... my school...while she and my dad worked the whole day. Every thursday it was the 'cleaning day' and I was supposed to clean the whole house, but clean for real, letting everything shining. But every week, every thursday when my mother came back home, she walked around the kitchen and said that everything that I did was wrong, that I couldn't make nothing properly, that my hard work was nothing but shit... and I really used to spend my whole day just doing that and she.... only knew how to make everything that I did look like shit, and she hitted me and yelled at me... and I was so young, goddamnit, so young!!!! That was when I started arguing with her, answering her, yelling at her back, because I needed to fuckin' survive. Every thursday was a hell....every day that I didn't make the cleaning properly was a hell. And I grew up and it never stopped. I kept making everything with 11...12...13...14... my sister started to grow up too, but she was still young too and... my parents' marriage started getting bad, but of course I didn't know that... I was becoming a teenager and my father didn't have any patience with me. I didn't know why, I didn't know that actually he was always with bad mood because my mother was sucking with him and their wedding were getting over. I was like... the fool, you know? My father discounted all his angryness over me... my mother too... I always felt like my sister was protected and I was the target of everyone's rage. But I never disliked my sister because of that, I just wanted to understand why she never was hitted and I was hitted so many times. My father even hitted me on face once... and I guess that this is the only thing in my whole bad past that I did forgive. I don't know why. I think that's because my dad came over me, when I was 19 already...and asked for forgiveness for everything that he did. For all his mistakes, he assumed them one by one and asked for sorry... and I got over that, I don't have that fear and "hate" of my father anymore... that was what I used to feel when he lived in home. Today he's the land where I go to when I want to escape of this house. But my mother? I guess she has too much proud to admit that she got over her limits... I guess that she'll neevr really say to me: "Hey, I'm sorry...", and you know why? Because she still treats me like that. I REALLY stopped helping her in home when my sister got 13, 14... because I was so tired, I wanted NEVER AGAIN to wash a dish or fix all the mess in my room. But wasn't a conscient thing of: "Hello, now I'm old and I won't do a thing anymore", it wasn't that... I guess that inside my mind I'll always see my mother fuckin' up with everything that I do, because even when I let the house clean for her, she never say 'thank you', it's just my obligation, you see. Maybe it really is. I don't know... I'm not here saying that I'm the perfect and sufocated daughter. It's not that... I'm so far from perfect and I guess that at least one day in a week I think about that. My mother used to compare me with her friend's daughter, when I was younger, I guess that go stucked in my mind too XDD But anyway... I'm not the perfect daughter and I know that my room is really a mess. But...fuck, you see, it's just a fuckin' room. I don't use drugs, I don't steal, I don't go out around fuckin' with everybody and being a whore. I study, I try to find a job, I try to be good in everything that I fuckin' can, but you see, my room is a mess, so I deserve to ehar her screamings, to handle her freaking outs, to her she NEVER listening to me, and keeping her STUPID blackmails of: "Do it, or I'll take you off your japanese classes OR I won't pay your dressmaker OR I won't pay nothing", or keep talking about lots of nonsense things. I want a fuckin' job to get my fuckin' money and pay EVERYTHING for me and not being able hearing those fuckin' things anymore. I'm TIRED. I'm BLOODY TIRED of spend night crying because of this shit all over again. If I could, I wouldn't even SHARE the same food as her, for her doesn't blow out of my face that she cooks for me, when she freak out again. I do hate her when she freaks out, really. Like today. I seriously intend not to talk to her for a while.
Anyway, I'm sorry for this emo shit posting. I'm not an emo shit, I'm a happy person. I'm a happy person with a crazy mother.