Transitioning
Awhile back someone asked if I was considering surgery. I'm not entirely certain which surgery you were talking about. In any case, I thought I might take this opportunity to address the topic of transitioning as a whole.
There are a lot of things trans people can do to make themselves more comfortable, starting with superficial changes like clothing and hair and ranging all the way to the serious and irreversible changes made possible by hormones and surgery. When I first cut my hair and started wearing more masculine clothing I was very happy with the change. I felt more positive and confident about myself. I even enjoyed taking my own picture for perhaps the first time in my life. I always used to hate being photographed and hate looking in mirrors. I no longer despise it the way I used to, even though I'm not entirely happy with my image.
Two years and half a dozen disapproving family members later, things aren't going so well. Coming out to my family was both a great and terrible thing. When my mother preaches to me about how wrong I am I regret having ever told her, but I would have had to do it eventually. It can be very discouraging and depressing when the subject comes up. I can't tell you how many times she's told me that I'm being "influenced by Satan" or assumed that it's just a phase which will change in time. She does all she can to discourage me from transitioning at all and when I insist on doing it she pleads for me to put it off as long as possible. I feel like I have to choose between my family and my own happiness. I can keep waiting for her approval my whole life, it's never going to come.
Of course, her disapproval isn't the reason I haven't made progress with my transition since coming out in 2008. It was really more a matter of dealing with my children's custody case and the resulting issues first and then in 2009, also dealing with the divorce. There should be no problem closing the custody case in court on the 23rd this month, and I'm in the final stages of the divorce. After turning in a request for default tomorrow, it should take little additional work. I'll finally have time to focus on myself, and maybe get that legal name change I've been wanting for years now.
The last time I wrote about transitioning I think I may have mentioned being on the fence about whether I wanted to take hormones or not. My position on that has changed, I definitely want them. In fact I plan to bring it up at my next doctor's appointment, scheduled in June. I have some information ready in case she knows nothing about transsexuals and sometime this week I'm going to go to an advocacy agency for referrals to LGBT friendly general practitioners in case it doesn't work out with the one I have now. I might also ask them for counseling and a letter if I can find out a way to work around transportation and child care issues.
For now the hormones are all I want. Will that change in time? I don't know. I plan on doing this one step at a time and on seeing how I feel after each step before I make any big decisions. The only exception is that I might seriously consider a hysterectomy/oophorectomy along with the hormones (if possible), because taking testosterone can cause cancer in those areas and I think it would be easier to have them removed while the name in my insurance card is still a female one. Then again, it's not really a split-second decision. I've been thinking about getting rid of them for years now. It's not like I need those body parts anymore. I've had my kids, I've been sterilized. It's over. I want them gone.
I may also consider a double mastectomy sometime in the future. I'd like to lose some weight first though, because that could improve the outcome. I've heard that some guys loose a bit of breast mass on T, but usually not enough to pass without a binder. I've had mixed results with the binders I've tried so far. I can pass in some better than others and they range from uncomfortable to painful. On the other hand, I've gotten to the point where I no longer feel comfortable without wearing one either. Breasts sticking out = enough emotional discomfort that it renders the physical discomfort of a binder irrelevant. Still, I'd rather not wear binders for the rest of my life.
Genital surgery? I'm really not sure. I used to be absolutely against it, if only because the current options are not adequate and I'm too poor to pay for it. For those of you not familiar with the surgery, a short explanation: you can either have a tiny little penis which is erotically sensate, or an average-looking one which will most likely not be (or might be, to a limited degree). Not a very favorable outcome in my book. BUT... since then I have found out that my insurance pays for gender transition, including these surgeries.
There's no way I would have been able to afford it on my own, but now I have a shot. It might just be my only chance I get, because I won't be on Medi-Cal forever. What do I do? Take what I can get in another year or two, or wait even longer in the hopes that there may or may not be better options (which I may or may not be able to afford) in the future? I don't know. This is like gambling with my body and I don't like it.
I'm not going to jump to conclusions. I'll take T for a year or two and see how that goes before making a decision. I've asked myself once (before I knew that it was covered) whether or not I would go through with the surgery if I could/didn't have to pay for it. I puzzled over it for a day and at night I had a dream that I went through with it. It told me that psychologically, yes I do want to have a penis. But reality is much more complicated. I'll never be able to have what every biological male in the world has, and that saddens me to the point where I wonder if there's any reason to have bottom surgery at all.
In any case, I need more information than I currently have to make an informed decision. What I'd really like is to hear from guys who've had the various types of surgery already. What do they like about it? What do they dislike? What would they change about it if they could? That would go a lot farther in aiding my decision than the vague medical descriptions of the procedures that I've already read a dozen times over.
There are a lot of things trans people can do to make themselves more comfortable, starting with superficial changes like clothing and hair and ranging all the way to the serious and irreversible changes made possible by hormones and surgery. When I first cut my hair and started wearing more masculine clothing I was very happy with the change. I felt more positive and confident about myself. I even enjoyed taking my own picture for perhaps the first time in my life. I always used to hate being photographed and hate looking in mirrors. I no longer despise it the way I used to, even though I'm not entirely happy with my image.
Two years and half a dozen disapproving family members later, things aren't going so well. Coming out to my family was both a great and terrible thing. When my mother preaches to me about how wrong I am I regret having ever told her, but I would have had to do it eventually. It can be very discouraging and depressing when the subject comes up. I can't tell you how many times she's told me that I'm being "influenced by Satan" or assumed that it's just a phase which will change in time. She does all she can to discourage me from transitioning at all and when I insist on doing it she pleads for me to put it off as long as possible. I feel like I have to choose between my family and my own happiness. I can keep waiting for her approval my whole life, it's never going to come.
Of course, her disapproval isn't the reason I haven't made progress with my transition since coming out in 2008. It was really more a matter of dealing with my children's custody case and the resulting issues first and then in 2009, also dealing with the divorce. There should be no problem closing the custody case in court on the 23rd this month, and I'm in the final stages of the divorce. After turning in a request for default tomorrow, it should take little additional work. I'll finally have time to focus on myself, and maybe get that legal name change I've been wanting for years now.
The last time I wrote about transitioning I think I may have mentioned being on the fence about whether I wanted to take hormones or not. My position on that has changed, I definitely want them. In fact I plan to bring it up at my next doctor's appointment, scheduled in June. I have some information ready in case she knows nothing about transsexuals and sometime this week I'm going to go to an advocacy agency for referrals to LGBT friendly general practitioners in case it doesn't work out with the one I have now. I might also ask them for counseling and a letter if I can find out a way to work around transportation and child care issues.
For now the hormones are all I want. Will that change in time? I don't know. I plan on doing this one step at a time and on seeing how I feel after each step before I make any big decisions. The only exception is that I might seriously consider a hysterectomy/oophorectomy along with the hormones (if possible), because taking testosterone can cause cancer in those areas and I think it would be easier to have them removed while the name in my insurance card is still a female one. Then again, it's not really a split-second decision. I've been thinking about getting rid of them for years now. It's not like I need those body parts anymore. I've had my kids, I've been sterilized. It's over. I want them gone.
I may also consider a double mastectomy sometime in the future. I'd like to lose some weight first though, because that could improve the outcome. I've heard that some guys loose a bit of breast mass on T, but usually not enough to pass without a binder. I've had mixed results with the binders I've tried so far. I can pass in some better than others and they range from uncomfortable to painful. On the other hand, I've gotten to the point where I no longer feel comfortable without wearing one either. Breasts sticking out = enough emotional discomfort that it renders the physical discomfort of a binder irrelevant. Still, I'd rather not wear binders for the rest of my life.
Genital surgery? I'm really not sure. I used to be absolutely against it, if only because the current options are not adequate and I'm too poor to pay for it. For those of you not familiar with the surgery, a short explanation: you can either have a tiny little penis which is erotically sensate, or an average-looking one which will most likely not be (or might be, to a limited degree). Not a very favorable outcome in my book. BUT... since then I have found out that my insurance pays for gender transition, including these surgeries.
There's no way I would have been able to afford it on my own, but now I have a shot. It might just be my only chance I get, because I won't be on Medi-Cal forever. What do I do? Take what I can get in another year or two, or wait even longer in the hopes that there may or may not be better options (which I may or may not be able to afford) in the future? I don't know. This is like gambling with my body and I don't like it.
I'm not going to jump to conclusions. I'll take T for a year or two and see how that goes before making a decision. I've asked myself once (before I knew that it was covered) whether or not I would go through with the surgery if I could/didn't have to pay for it. I puzzled over it for a day and at night I had a dream that I went through with it. It told me that psychologically, yes I do want to have a penis. But reality is much more complicated. I'll never be able to have what every biological male in the world has, and that saddens me to the point where I wonder if there's any reason to have bottom surgery at all.
In any case, I need more information than I currently have to make an informed decision. What I'd really like is to hear from guys who've had the various types of surgery already. What do they like about it? What do they dislike? What would they change about it if they could? That would go a lot farther in aiding my decision than the vague medical descriptions of the procedures that I've already read a dozen times over.