Hello There
I haven't posted in awhile because not much has changed. There's no point in whining about the same old things, right? I'm still seeing my therapist, but I haven't been able to make any progress medically, or in any other area really. A few things have happened, with mixed impact on my life. I wouldn't call any of them an 'improvement'.
I've decided to change my name legally out of pure frustration, because there doesn't seem to be anything else I can do. In a few months I'll see another doctor and try to convince them to help me get the care I need. I just had to take a break from hospitals for awhile. After all the issues I had last year, I sometimes feel like I never want to walk into a medical facility ever again.
My mother has started using male pronouns, but she still refuses to call me Hector. She insists on calling me "Heath", an abomination of my birth name. While it's nice that she's trying to be considerate, it doesn't really change the fact that she won't respect my decisions or take anything I say seriously. She will only use the name she wants to call me because I obviously can't decide anything for myself!
I've done a lot of thinking these past few months. I stepped back and looked at my life, and my relationship with my mother. I never realized how much I listened to her. How much I let her hold me back. Why do I do that? There are probably any number of reasons, but they don't matter. It has to stop.
So I'm working on that too. It's hard to pull off while I'm still living with her (and it usually involves me trying to interact with her as little as I can and standing up to her on occasion when she does get nasty. The change in pronouns was a result of one such instance). I'm also filing papers and making appointments. Trying to get my name changed, my medical needs recognized, and GTFO of this house. Just one step at a time. It's slow because most days I struggle just to take care of the kids and keep my grades up in college.
I'm depressed and my therapist knows it. It's nothing new. Who wouldn't be if they had to live with someone like my mother? I mean, my status aside, she just loves to foist her problems onto whoever happens to be available. She can't even take responsibility for her own emotions. Nothing is ever her fault.
And I'm not saying this because I want to slander her to random strangers on the internet. I'm just saying that I'm tired of dealing with it. The real issue is that she's always been this way. I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship with her ever since I was little and I didn't even realize it. Now that I know, I want fucking out.
I've decided to change my name legally out of pure frustration, because there doesn't seem to be anything else I can do. In a few months I'll see another doctor and try to convince them to help me get the care I need. I just had to take a break from hospitals for awhile. After all the issues I had last year, I sometimes feel like I never want to walk into a medical facility ever again.
My mother has started using male pronouns, but she still refuses to call me Hector. She insists on calling me "Heath", an abomination of my birth name. While it's nice that she's trying to be considerate, it doesn't really change the fact that she won't respect my decisions or take anything I say seriously. She will only use the name she wants to call me because I obviously can't decide anything for myself!
I've done a lot of thinking these past few months. I stepped back and looked at my life, and my relationship with my mother. I never realized how much I listened to her. How much I let her hold me back. Why do I do that? There are probably any number of reasons, but they don't matter. It has to stop.
So I'm working on that too. It's hard to pull off while I'm still living with her (and it usually involves me trying to interact with her as little as I can and standing up to her on occasion when she does get nasty. The change in pronouns was a result of one such instance). I'm also filing papers and making appointments. Trying to get my name changed, my medical needs recognized, and GTFO of this house. Just one step at a time. It's slow because most days I struggle just to take care of the kids and keep my grades up in college.
I'm depressed and my therapist knows it. It's nothing new. Who wouldn't be if they had to live with someone like my mother? I mean, my status aside, she just loves to foist her problems onto whoever happens to be available. She can't even take responsibility for her own emotions. Nothing is ever her fault.
And I'm not saying this because I want to slander her to random strangers on the internet. I'm just saying that I'm tired of dealing with it. The real issue is that she's always been this way. I've been in an emotionally abusive relationship with her ever since I was little and I didn't even realize it. Now that I know, I want fucking out.