Dare I beg?
My mind is racing. I can't stop thinking or giggling (he's sweet and i like him, that's all you need to know right now). At the same time, I can feel my life getting ready to hit the gas. I'm not sure I'm ready for it. For year I've been talking about joining the military. For awhile it was to defy my parents, another while because I thought I could run away via the military and maybe make my dad proud of me. To think such things is normal of 17-18 year old female who is trying to find her legs in this world.
I'm not nervous about talking to a recruiter. I'm excited. I'm going to see how far this train will ride and see I can ride it all the way. I mentioned my parents a few moments ago. I'm not sure how they are going to react. They have never been keen on the idea of me being in the military. Mom always said I was too small, that I couldn't handle. Looking back, at when I was 18-22, I have agree with her. I wasn't. I would have snapped most likely and washed out. Eeeh...I hate that phrase. Washed out. Failure. I have spent most of my life feeling like one.
I have fought with myself hard over the past year, in trying to reclaim who I need to be and who I am. I have set myself free from a lot of things, and some things have repeated themselves without me doing anything. I have re-found sources of strength I had forgotten that I had. And that kinda of scares me. A lot of it happened quickly, like things were snapping back into alignment. If you've never experienced that, trust me...it's a disconcerting feeling. To understand how far you've strayed from yourself and from the path that was given to you. Yes, even me, as a Witch, believes that each of us walks a specific path to ourselves.
Some of us are only meant to teach others, while are meant for something great. I have the pleasure of knowing quite a few people in both categories.
Back on earlier tangent. I am afraid of my parents reaction. It is the only thing that leaves me feeling un-sure about this move. Yet, I'm not afraid at the same time. I've always been my own woman, even when I was just a child. I've never been one to claim that I was normal...though there have been times I have snarled in great anger at having been born with taking the red pill in the womb. >:| I've always felt different and known. Different how though? I'm not sure. My dreams give me few clues, other than I have several hard choices coming soon. Even as a child, looking back, I came into contact with a lot of people who were very aware of the currents of this world. Many times people I would not know would give me an encouraging word here and there, strangers showing me random little kindnesses.
Or staring...oh gods the staring. It can't be just because of my looks. If I wanted to, I could pass for a boy. Though there have been threats of pain should I try this...something about needle nose pliers, car batteries and parts of my anatomy. Ow, is my response. Moving on.
The staring used to drive me nuts though when I was a child. When I was 12, it was early in the year...February I think, because I can remember there was Ice on the pond. The mail had just ran, and my mother called me downstairs. She told me my godfather, Ace had passed away. I have searched in vain hoping to find a copy of his obituary. To this day, I grieve his loss. There were many days I would spend at his and Alta's house. It wasn't until I was older that I realized that this probably save my life and that of my sisters. Many days I don't remember anything before getting there. We used to hide at their house, my sister and I. I remember him having a towing service and a gas station that sold live bait.
My godfather and godmother Alta, who is still alive as far as I know, were my world. News of my godfather's death crushed me. I feel into a depression, that was aggravated by puberty and hitting teenage years. The staring stopped at this point...I think mostly because I shut everything off. Or tried to shut everything off. All those gifts came creeping back.
Perhaps this is all just the ramblings of a socially ill-adjusted woman. Perhaps, I'm truly insane. But I have noticed the staring, has come back...though I don't seem to mind it now as much. Something about being more grown-up I guess. Or I've just grown into this body finally. Who knows? I certainly don't.
So I keep moving forward. Finding myself questioning my life's choices. Coming to the realizations that while I've been through hell and back, several times in several different ways, I wouldn't be who I am if it weren't for that. Working on myself (which I was complimented on how well the application of my self-introspection has been going) has not been easy. This world has so much that it can distract you with. Even the search of your other half. Though for me that has been an up-hill road and stories in it of themselves.
I have spent many times over the past few weeks, since the beginning of the year, crying and begging for strength from that which I believe in. Strength to make the right choices for myself this year, regardless of the cost. As cold as that sounds, I have only myself to give to someone. Yes, I have a car and a job and a roof over my head...but does that mean they come with me? Hell no. I know all too well how fast those things can evaporate in this every-increasingly volatile world. People all around me are having relationship issues and troubles with their significant others. Divorces, re-marriages (fourth time for one person I know), break-ups. It's discouraging, but then again I can look to my parents.
They've been through hell and high water together. 34 years I believe in June. My maternal grandparents are on their 54 year I believe. Maybe that's why I've not been to torn up over not having found him yet (or maybe I have, I don't know. Just depends on what the Gods decide to tell me). Because I have a good example to go off of. I firmly believe that things can be worked through. That when you love your partner, spouse and are your lovers friends, there is nothing that you can't accomplish with them.
I don't believe in divorce. I don't like the word...I hate its meanings, I hate what it has done to so many people I know and love and care about. I hate that it exists. Even among Wiccan marriages, there is divorce. Though...our divorces are bit easier to deal with. I'll talk about that at a later time.
For several weeks now, I have been re-affirming to myself that I am someone's true lover, partner and wife. Who though, I don't know, but I keep getting told he's around, he's here, he's there and when it's time, you'll know it. Everything happens for a reason and time must be allowed to pass and do it's job. For a Witch like myself, that last part is super hard due to be able to change things if I really wanted to and wanted to deal with the karmic backlash off of it. Yeah, no. There are reasons why I haven't gone to the Dark Side. A) Not as fun as being Grey. B) Oh boy...the migraines, the medical conditions that would appear as backlash from such actions, ugh. *shudder* C) The Karma that would bitch slap me so hard across the back of the head that my life would look like a bowling lane.
I have done some dark things, I will admit. I will also admit to doing them so that several other people wouldn't have to do it. Kill one, save a thousand. Yes, I just quoted the movie 'Wanted'. I have taken the punches for my little sister and have punched out teeth to protect her.
I have always been super protective of my loved ones (just ask my sister's POS boyfriend who seems to think he can get an attitude with me...yeah, that ended quickly and with him backing down, quickly.) I have always wanted to do something bigger, and while it sickens me to watch my country take the path that it is...I still want to do something to protect it. I have waited seven years for things to be where they are right now. I hope it's meant for me to wear the uniform...not just be proud of those I know and to attempt to wear it. If I go all the way, HOORAH! I will do it, and I will wear that uniform with pride!
Dare I beg the Gods for this indulgence though? One choice I made recently, made several things snap into place, so quickly and loudly I think some of my friends heard it! This choice, I can hear things moving...I just hope it back into alignment...and not dis-alignment.
I'm not nervous about talking to a recruiter. I'm excited. I'm going to see how far this train will ride and see I can ride it all the way. I mentioned my parents a few moments ago. I'm not sure how they are going to react. They have never been keen on the idea of me being in the military. Mom always said I was too small, that I couldn't handle. Looking back, at when I was 18-22, I have agree with her. I wasn't. I would have snapped most likely and washed out. Eeeh...I hate that phrase. Washed out. Failure. I have spent most of my life feeling like one.
I have fought with myself hard over the past year, in trying to reclaim who I need to be and who I am. I have set myself free from a lot of things, and some things have repeated themselves without me doing anything. I have re-found sources of strength I had forgotten that I had. And that kinda of scares me. A lot of it happened quickly, like things were snapping back into alignment. If you've never experienced that, trust me...it's a disconcerting feeling. To understand how far you've strayed from yourself and from the path that was given to you. Yes, even me, as a Witch, believes that each of us walks a specific path to ourselves.
Some of us are only meant to teach others, while are meant for something great. I have the pleasure of knowing quite a few people in both categories.
Back on earlier tangent. I am afraid of my parents reaction. It is the only thing that leaves me feeling un-sure about this move. Yet, I'm not afraid at the same time. I've always been my own woman, even when I was just a child. I've never been one to claim that I was normal...though there have been times I have snarled in great anger at having been born with taking the red pill in the womb. >:| I've always felt different and known. Different how though? I'm not sure. My dreams give me few clues, other than I have several hard choices coming soon. Even as a child, looking back, I came into contact with a lot of people who were very aware of the currents of this world. Many times people I would not know would give me an encouraging word here and there, strangers showing me random little kindnesses.
Or staring...oh gods the staring. It can't be just because of my looks. If I wanted to, I could pass for a boy. Though there have been threats of pain should I try this...something about needle nose pliers, car batteries and parts of my anatomy. Ow, is my response. Moving on.
The staring used to drive me nuts though when I was a child. When I was 12, it was early in the year...February I think, because I can remember there was Ice on the pond. The mail had just ran, and my mother called me downstairs. She told me my godfather, Ace had passed away. I have searched in vain hoping to find a copy of his obituary. To this day, I grieve his loss. There were many days I would spend at his and Alta's house. It wasn't until I was older that I realized that this probably save my life and that of my sisters. Many days I don't remember anything before getting there. We used to hide at their house, my sister and I. I remember him having a towing service and a gas station that sold live bait.
My godfather and godmother Alta, who is still alive as far as I know, were my world. News of my godfather's death crushed me. I feel into a depression, that was aggravated by puberty and hitting teenage years. The staring stopped at this point...I think mostly because I shut everything off. Or tried to shut everything off. All those gifts came creeping back.
Perhaps this is all just the ramblings of a socially ill-adjusted woman. Perhaps, I'm truly insane. But I have noticed the staring, has come back...though I don't seem to mind it now as much. Something about being more grown-up I guess. Or I've just grown into this body finally. Who knows? I certainly don't.
So I keep moving forward. Finding myself questioning my life's choices. Coming to the realizations that while I've been through hell and back, several times in several different ways, I wouldn't be who I am if it weren't for that. Working on myself (which I was complimented on how well the application of my self-introspection has been going) has not been easy. This world has so much that it can distract you with. Even the search of your other half. Though for me that has been an up-hill road and stories in it of themselves.
I have spent many times over the past few weeks, since the beginning of the year, crying and begging for strength from that which I believe in. Strength to make the right choices for myself this year, regardless of the cost. As cold as that sounds, I have only myself to give to someone. Yes, I have a car and a job and a roof over my head...but does that mean they come with me? Hell no. I know all too well how fast those things can evaporate in this every-increasingly volatile world. People all around me are having relationship issues and troubles with their significant others. Divorces, re-marriages (fourth time for one person I know), break-ups. It's discouraging, but then again I can look to my parents.
They've been through hell and high water together. 34 years I believe in June. My maternal grandparents are on their 54 year I believe. Maybe that's why I've not been to torn up over not having found him yet (or maybe I have, I don't know. Just depends on what the Gods decide to tell me). Because I have a good example to go off of. I firmly believe that things can be worked through. That when you love your partner, spouse and are your lovers friends, there is nothing that you can't accomplish with them.
I don't believe in divorce. I don't like the word...I hate its meanings, I hate what it has done to so many people I know and love and care about. I hate that it exists. Even among Wiccan marriages, there is divorce. Though...our divorces are bit easier to deal with. I'll talk about that at a later time.
For several weeks now, I have been re-affirming to myself that I am someone's true lover, partner and wife. Who though, I don't know, but I keep getting told he's around, he's here, he's there and when it's time, you'll know it. Everything happens for a reason and time must be allowed to pass and do it's job. For a Witch like myself, that last part is super hard due to be able to change things if I really wanted to and wanted to deal with the karmic backlash off of it. Yeah, no. There are reasons why I haven't gone to the Dark Side. A) Not as fun as being Grey. B) Oh boy...the migraines, the medical conditions that would appear as backlash from such actions, ugh. *shudder* C) The Karma that would bitch slap me so hard across the back of the head that my life would look like a bowling lane.
I have done some dark things, I will admit. I will also admit to doing them so that several other people wouldn't have to do it. Kill one, save a thousand. Yes, I just quoted the movie 'Wanted'. I have taken the punches for my little sister and have punched out teeth to protect her.
I have always been super protective of my loved ones (just ask my sister's POS boyfriend who seems to think he can get an attitude with me...yeah, that ended quickly and with him backing down, quickly.) I have always wanted to do something bigger, and while it sickens me to watch my country take the path that it is...I still want to do something to protect it. I have waited seven years for things to be where they are right now. I hope it's meant for me to wear the uniform...not just be proud of those I know and to attempt to wear it. If I go all the way, HOORAH! I will do it, and I will wear that uniform with pride!
Dare I beg the Gods for this indulgence though? One choice I made recently, made several things snap into place, so quickly and loudly I think some of my friends heard it! This choice, I can hear things moving...I just hope it back into alignment...and not dis-alignment.