CSI: Taking Advantage (1/3)
Title: Taking Advantage (1/3)
Author: Halina_Renata
Rating: R
Pairing: Nick/Greg B/C
Summary: “Being taken for granted can be a compliment. It means that you've become a comfortable, trusted person in another person's life.” Greg has yet to realize this as Nick struggles to cope with himself after ‘Grave Danger.’
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It always started in the same way...
“You awake in there?” Sara asked, waving her hands in front of his face. Greg would look up from where he was having a staring match with holes of the salt dispenser, put on the best smile he could manage and nod through sleepy eyes.
“Just tired,” he would say.
He was just one out of six of them constantly tired. The lack of sleep, the worry, the relief and the fear of such an incident like Nick’s reoccurring was present on all members of the CSIs. Grissom felt the responsibility and Warrick felt the guilt. Catherine felt the protectiveness and Sara felt the anger. Nick just felt fear. And Greg felt...well, Greg just felt dirty. His thoughts included that of his co-workers but added on top, he bore the weight that came from laying awake night after night, tired to the core and eyes blurred from insomnia as he listened to Nick beside him just breathing. And as he stared at the darkened patterns on the ceiling, all he could think of was ‘What the fuck am I doing?’
Each time he vowed he wouldn’t do it again.
And each time he found himself staring at the ceiling, listening to the sounds of Nick and cursing himself for letting it happen again.
But it was quite hard to resist. Ever since Nick had come off medical leave and was back to moderate CSI work they had all regularly met at a diner. It was a measure of convincing themselves everything was getting back to normal and they were a family unit. Somehow, almost losing one of your own made you realize what you have. Suddenly you don’t take it for granted anymore and are willing to make it stick. Greg didn’t mind going for this reason (and because Grissom usually paid the bill) but he always knew where it would end up. When they all got up to go disperse Nick would come up to him and asked if he could come over again because he didn’t want to spend the nights alone. Always Greg agreed; he couldn’t stand seeing Nick suffering or scared in any way.
And as soon as they got through the door, the wind was released in the sails and any shred of restrain was left on the other side. Nick usually instigated it as the door closed quietly, pinning Greg against the wood panelling with his body and kissing him as passionately as he could. It took a few moments each time for Greg to realize this wasn’t some fantasy of his dreams: Nick was actually pulling him in for the kiss and he responded. Soon all that was heard was the crinkling of their clothing and the deeper labouring breaths. Greg weaved one hand through Nick’s hair, pulling him closer and Nick’s hands always remained on his lower back and waist, already eager to touch skin.
“I need you again,” Nick whispered, his fingers ghosting underneath Greg’s shirt and lightly touching his back feeling the younger man arch towards him. His lips moved against his neck. “Can I stay?”
“Of course,” Greg murmured back. “You can do whatever you want.”
An open invitation Nick was willing to take. So somewhere between the front door and the bedroom their clothes are shed and they are marking each other’s skin. It’s always a last minute decision on who’s on top and who’s on the bottom. This time Greg was on top. He can hear Nick calling out his name and digging his nails into his back. In the heat of the room the combination of smells and sounds combined with the movement of their bodies only heightened the sense of euphoria in the darkened bedroom where only a few afternoon rays seeped through.
Only when the high died down and Greg collapsed on top of Nick did that quenching feeling in his stomach return. With an invisible hand gripping his heart and knocking reality back into him, he rolled off Nick and rested his head on the pillow whilst a hand traced patterns on older man’s extended arm as a last form of comfort he could muster before he was lulled to sleep.
“Nick?” Greg whispered.
“Yeah?”
“Why do you always come here? To me?”
Nick turned his head in Greg’s direction. He could see the younger CSI staring at him unblinkingly, uncertainty and loss lingering in the brown depths. Leaning forward, Nick left a kiss on his forehead and let his head drop back onto the pillow. “Because you’re the only one giving me the comfort I need.”
And Greg watched as his eyes would close, a melancholy smile on his lips. “I love you,” he whispered, knowing full well Nick couldn’t hear as he slept.
He felt guilty and dirty with an overwhelming urge to take a shower. The only positive outcome of this was that Nick would feel reassured by the fact that if he did wake up and feel trapped, he wouldn’t be alone. Greg would remain awake, staring at the ceiling, cursing himself again and get up to leave early in the morning.
And that’s how it happened each time.
Sara came into the room where Greg was flipping through hours of surveillance tapes in a darkened corner lab room and ruffled his hair as she sat down beside him with a piece of paper in her hand.
“Hey!” Greg cried out with mock indignation, flattening it back into its lengthy style again.
“I have news from Hodges,” she chimed.
Greg quirked an eyebrow as he continued watching the footage of the hotel lobby floor. His elbow rested on the arm of his chair and his chin was in his hand as he regarded the black and white film with boredom. “He wants a pay rise? Pfft, that’s not news.”
Sara smiled at his dry humour. “No. The splattered stains on our victim’s pants is standard fast drying white paint.”
Greg frowned. “Our guy was on a business trip going from the convention downstairs to his room upstairs. Where would he have come into contact with paint?”
“Didn’t the hotel manager say that were doing a little bit of reconstruction work?”
“Ahh,” Greg mused. “Ever the observer.”
“So...fancy coming down and checking it out?” Sara stood up, obviously ready and rearing to go but seeing the opposite look on Greg’s face as he bit his lip, still watching the screen, she stopped short and turned back again.
Greg shrugged. “I still have five hours of film clips left and getting up seems like a lot of effort at the moment.”
Sarah paused, sat back down on the seat and shifted closer to regard the younger CSI. “Greg?” She was answered by a short hum. “Are you sure you’re all right?”
“I’m fine. I’m fine, seriously. Just ti...”
“Just tired, I know,” Sara responded with a quirk of her lips as Greg smiled as well. “It just seems to me like a little bit more than tiredness at the moment. And the fact that we’re swapping roles and I’m enthusiastic whilst you’re sitting here dismally is kind of freaking me out.” When Greg barely cracked a smile and continued staring at the tapes, she knew she had to probe deeper. “You know, you can tell me what’s wrong. I’m not like Grissom.”
That was true, Greg said to himself. Talking to Grissom about your problems was like talking to a plank of wood. And in the back of his mind Greg knew he felt privileged that Sara considered him more of a companion and partner than an annoying lab rat that asked her on dates. Since being promoted to a CSI level One, they had worked a lot more together and a steady, neutrally friendly relationship had grown. So Greg wanted to tell her, but couldn’t.
“It’s...complicated,” he replied, cursing himself for reiterating some cliché movie line.
“It has to be if you need to watch TV as a method of thinking thoughts out in your head. Come on; look at me, what gives?”
Greg sighed and paused the tape, turning in her direction but not looking at her. “Have you ever had someone that you’ve wanted to be with for a long time? But how circumstances come about that you end up together wasn’t really all that great...and in the end you’re just using each other to comfort?” At the end he looked up at her and was thankful that she wasn’t controlling any laughter or preparing to ridicule him for sounding like a teenager. No...Sara could see he was being serious.
“In all honesty I haven’t,” Sara responded. “But...I suppose you have two options. If it’s making you unhappy like this and hasn’t turned out the way you hoped, you should get out now. Or just talk to the girl. I thought you were good at communication, Greg?”
Greg smiled weakly. “It makes it hard when you’re in love with the person but sh-she might not love you back.” He sighed and ran a hand through his hair leaning back in the chair. “It’ll sort it out. Thanks, Sara.”
“Good, now can we go back to the Tangi-”
The clearing of a throat interrupted them and they turned round to face Nick who was leaning against the doorframe entrance. “Hey.”
“Hi, Nick,” Sara replied smiling. “How are you feeling?”
“Oh, believe me, I’ll feel a whole lot better when people stop asking me that one.”
“Point taken.”
“Erm...you mind if I speak to Greg for a minute about something.”
Sara rolled her eyes and stood up. “No, sure. Meet me by the car, Greg.”
With that, she disappeared and suddenly the room was plunged into an uncomfortable silence, surrounded by the daily noises of the lab. Greg had an urge to scratch at the bite marks Nick had left on him yesterday. Nick stepped into the room and closed the door behind but not coming any closer, almost wary of the younger CSI. It had seemed that ever since this affair of sleeping with each other had started around two weeks ago, it had done the opposite affect of what Nick had been hoping for in driving them apart instead of bringing them closer together. Now Greg just looked uncomfortable around him.
“Hey,” he said lightly. “You weren’t in bed when I woke up...again”
Greg shook his head. “No, sorry, I...sort of needed to clear my head a bit. Time just flew by and before I knew it I needed to come back to work.” He laughed weakly.
Nick took a few bold steps forward and sat down on the chair Sara had vacated. He discreetly reached over and touched Greg’s hand, holding it in his own. “I understand. This all feels pretty weird. Well, to me at the moment anyway.”
Greg looked over at Nick, squeezing his hand tightly, doing what he was best at, giving comfort. “Nick, do you feel less alone around me?”
The Texan’s gaze wafted over Greg as he took in the younger CSI’s features. He could look so stunning when he wanted to with his perfectly orchestrated hair and dark eyes. Nick loved practically everything about him and there was one thing he had known from the first time they’d slept together and that was that he loved Greg. Warrick was a good friend and had done his best to help but in the end, Nick needed the person he loved to get him through it and from the moment he’d first kissed Greg, he knew he had just been in denial the last five years.
“Yes,” Nick answered brushing stray blond hair out of Greg’s eyes. “How about you?”
Greg nodded. “Yeah,” he answered and then took a deep breath whilst closing his eyes. “But I can’t do this.”
Nick paused this time, uncertain if he heard the words right. He looked at Greg’s sullen features, refusing to meet his gaze and thought of all the bad things that could have happened to him: this being near the top of the list. “What do you mean? Why?”
“This is...this is not how I wanted it to go,” Greg answered and pushed his chair back to stand up and come out of the corner of the lab. He tried to rearrange the confused web of thoughts in his head as Nick look on in shock. “Look, Nick, I love you. And I have for a long time now but I don’t want some kind of relationship that’s just based on one comforting the other.”
Nick didn’t answer but continued staring at Greg in perplexity.
“We’re just using each other, Nick. You still haven’t gotten over what happened to you down there and I can understand that. You want something or someone to help get you through; to stop making you feel so alone at night when you wake up and I happen to be filling that void at the moment. But I’m using you because I’ve loved and wanted you for so long that I’d do so in any way. I’m just taking advantage of this situation. Is that how you want this to work? Just come to each other when we need it?”
“No! I think more of you than that, Greg.”
Greg shrugged pitifully. “All we are having right now is sex, though. What kind of relationship is that? Outside of my bedroom we don’t do anything that implies we’re together at all. We’re just like...fuck buddies.”
Nick shook his head. “But that’s not how I wanted it to remain. This is why I came here, Greg. To talk about this.”
“No, we don’t need to. I just want to stop this.” Greg shook his head, halting Nick’s next set of words before he could go on any further but the look on the Texan’s face broke his heart. “Please, Nick, don’t do this to me, I can’t. It's making me unhappy.”
“You can’t, you don’t want this, don’t do this to me,” Nick mimicked, standing up suddenly as his anger took a hold of him. “What about what I want as well. Don't I deserve some happiness after all this? Don’t I get a say in what I want, which right now, above all, happens to be you.”
“You may want me but you don’t need me!” Greg cried, wary that his voice was going above the normal limit but at the moment, he didn’t care. Tears he had been trying to withhold since the whole affair with Nick began were beginning to slip lose from his bravado. He closed his eyes and tried to steady his breath. Quietly, he continued, “I’m just here at the right moment. You need helping getting over your fears, Nick, from a professional, not continued nights in bed with me. I can’t help you; not if you don’t love me the same.”
Nick shook his head in disbelief. “I...I do, Greg,” he whispered quietly, pleadingly.
Walking over to the other man, Greg put his hands on Nick’s shoulders. “Until you can show me that and prove to me this relationship isn’t just about taking advantage of the other’s weaknesses, I’m not doing this. I love you, Nick. And I have for such a long time. But everything is different now and although once I may have jumped into bed with you without a care, I’ve grown up now.”
“What do you want me to do,” Nick whispered, feeling shivers cascade down his spine as Greg’s fingertips ran along the side of his neck to his jaw.
“Help yourself. Go back to your psychiatrist. Please.”
Greg leaned forward and kissed Nick lightly on the lips. It didn’t particularly matter that they were in a lab surrounded by glass where almost everyone passing by could see. No doubt some of them had heard the argument from the other end of the corridor. Standing right there and kissing Greg for a moment just obliterated the world from Nick’s mind and he allowed himself that one moment of solace before he knew Greg would pull away. He held onto Greg’s shoulders until it ended and then stared into the teary eyed face that gave him a half confident smile.
Turning, Greg lost his smile and walked out of the lab, rubbing his eyes with his sleeve briefly as he did so. He didn’t make eye contact with anyone but continued walking until he was free outside and joined Sara in the car, the taste of Nick still lingering on his lips.
TBC...
Thank you XD