Riddle Me This, Buffybot
Posting more Buffybot Adventurage, because why not? good old episode 3, season 1, from many moons ago. Things like plot and story arcs and what not finally started to kick in with this one, not to mention my first ever big bad! Also, riddles. Because Frank Gorshin is cool.
The Buffybot Adventures - Season One - Episode Three
RIDDLE ME THIS, BUFFYBOT
Sunnydale California. Midnight. An abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of the bad part of the bad part of town. In the center of the huge space sit two beings, focussed and intent. One is human. The other...decidedly not.
“You’re wrong, you know. Dead wrong.”
The demon spoke in a husky voice, the words sounding as if they’d only barely made their escape from his scaly throat. He glared as he spoke, raising the series of small spikes that passed for eyebrows on his dark green face towards the man opposite him. They sat, facing each other, hands clasped in a crude circular formation. Between them, the air seemed uneasy, rippling as if about to tear. The man, whose eyes were closed, furrowed his brow at the comment.
“Aren’t.” He replied in a thickly Scottish accent, “Now concentrate.”
“I can concentrate and tell you you’re wrong at the same time.” The demon said, annoying the man. “And I’m doing both right now.”
For a minute it seemed as if the man wouldn’t respond, instead keeping his eyes tight shut and concentrating hard on the steadily increasing disturbance in the air before him. He had spent several months planning and preparing for this ceremony, and he wouldn’t fail now. Just a few moments, and the stone would be his...
Oh, the Hell with it, he decided. I can concentrate and argue too.
“Listen.” The man said, opening his eyes and staring down the Magrithal demon, looking so damn smug across from him, “Moore’s lost it, and that’s that. He was good in his day, but now, that day is past. Morrison’s got it all over him now...”
“Oh, that is SO not true and you KNOW it!” The demon protested, his tusks grinding together even as flickers of light started appearing and disappearing in the space between them. “League of Extraordinary Gentlemen? Brilliant stuff. Tell me it wasn’t brilliant.”
Sparks started flying from mid-air and the man pursed his lips, static charges making his dark hair and beard twitch just a little. “Gentlemen was fine,” He admitted, “But what about the rest? Tom Strong? PROMETHEA, for God’s sake? Wanker hippy shite and YOU know it!”
The man smiled as the demon squirmed and frowned, and something started to take shape in the space between them. When he talked again, his tone was decidedly less smug. The man liked that.
“Yeah, well...maybe.” The demon snorted. “But what’s Morrison done? Where’s his legacy? Check the list, fleshbag; Watchmen. Miracleman. Swamp Thing. That Superman Annual...I forget the number...”
“The one where he fought Mongul in the Fortress of Solitude?” The man offered, and the Demon’s black eyes widened.
“That’s the one.”
“All right,” The man said, acquiescing somewhat, “...that WAS pretty cool.”
The demon grinned, but only for a moment, when the man glared sharply at him, while the ghostly image of something sharp and bright started to appear six inches above the floor.
“But you’re talking ancient history, Hugo!” The man shouted. The demon looked hurt.
“It’s Boris!”
“...Sorry. But listen. I’m not saying the man won’t deserve a beauty of a wristwatch at his retirement party; I’m just saying that such a party is long overdue! His best is past, while Morrison is in his prime. He’s at the top of his game, the top of the charts, he’s a rebel with a plan of action...”
Finally, a blue-green crystalline rock with jagged edges materialized into existence between the man and the demon, hovering briefly in the air before starting to fall. It hadn’t made it an inch before the man broke his hold on the demon’s hand and snapped it up. He beheld it with a satisfied smile, rolling it about in his hands for a second, then looking back towards Boris.
“...and the best is yet to come.”
THE FOLLOWING DAY
“Welcome to the Espresso Pump. What can I do for you today?”
Buffybot smiled delightedly as the woman, a worker drone with the designation ‘waitress’, took their order. She was sitting in the noonday sun on the patio of the Espresso Pump with her friends Tara and Mister Giles. She liked being with her friends, especially at new places.
“I require a caffeinated beverage!” She exclaimed, causing a pained expression on Giles’ face. Tara giggled. She often giggled when Buffybot spoke, something the robot actually rather enjoyed. “Ooo, and biscotti! Lots of biscotti!”
“Just a regular coffee for me, please.” Tara said, “ Two creams.”
“Tea, chamomile please. And do you still have those muffins? With the blueberry and chocolate together?”
Giles was about to get an answer to his question when Buffybot interrupted. “Biscotti makes neat sounds when you crunch it!”
The waitress paused a moment, smiling politely at Buffybot, then turning back to Giles. “We do” She looked a little closer, then grinned. “Is that you, Rupert?”
Surprised, Giles looked a little closer at the woman, then at her nametag, finally remembering.
“Sheila...yes, of course. It’s, uh, been some time! How is everything here..?”
Sheila smiled warmly and started to answer. Buffybot, though, beat her to it.
“Do you know Mister Giles?” She asked, genuinely interested, though Giles himself prayed she would say no more. He would be disappointed. “Were you involved sexually?”
Sheila’s eyes went wide, and Giles’ sank in despair. “I’ll have that tea to go, please,” He said, a distinct air of humiliation and defeat in his voice. Slowly, Sheila returned to the counter with their orders, glaring occasionally back at Buffybot, whose curious smile never left her face the whole time.
“Now, this is exactly why I try to never go anywhere with Anya,” Giles moaned to Tara once the waitress was gone. She made a weak smile back. “She’ll never pass for Buffy if we can’t even program her to speak with some decorum.”
“Sorry,” Tara offered, “She’s kind of a work in progress. Willow’s working really hard on her, I promise.” Buffybot stared alternately at both of them, analyzing their words in her conversational matrices.
“So...” She started to say, making Giles cringe with anticipation, “You WEREN’T involved sexually?”
Tara started to giggle again, but stopped herself when she saw the look on Giles’ face. “If you must know, I used to play here.”
“Oh, right!” Tara added, remembering, “You sang here sometimes...you should do that again, you were really good.”
Buffybot nodded her concurrence. “You have a very pleasant singing voice, Giles. You could be a Backstreet Boy!”
This time Tara couldn’t hold back the laugh, and Giles sighed. “Oh, God willing,” he said with less than convincing enthusiasm. “But running the shop leaves little time for any musical endeavours, I’m afraid. And I really must be getting back.”
Giles rose from his seat, opting to retrieve his tea from the counter rather than risk another robotic outburst. Buffybot looked confused.
“Are you leaving because of me?” She asked, stopping him momentarily. “Was I conversationally unpleasant? Because I can do better!”
Giles smiled, patting Buffybot on the shoulder. “I know you can, dear. Just...practice, will you? Perhaps work on your long silences.”
Buffybot thought about that for a second, then nodded and smiled happily. Giles motioned goodbye to her and Tara, leaving them alone at the table. Shortly afterwards, Sheila returned and dropped off Tara and Buffybot’s order...almost literally...spending as little time as possible at the table. Tara squirmed uncomfortably in her chair, and Buffybot beamed with apparent delight. Tara watched her as she snapped off a piece of Biscotti and chomped away at it.
“So, umm...” Tara asked quietly, drawing Buffybot’s attention (though not stopping her from snacking), “Do you...I mean, you don’t...NEED to eat, do you? Exactly?”
Buffybot chewed. “Rrrnuh. Mm trung tsmlmett zzmnee...”
Rasing a finger to stop the robot, Tara tried to interrupt. “‘Botty, sweetie, don’t talk with your mouth full.”
Buffybot giggled, then swallowed her mouthful of biscotti. “Sorry. I said I’m trying to simulate as many normal human functions as possible.” She leaned conspiratorially over towards Tara, lowering her voice to a whisper. “For my secret identity.”
She winked to punctuate her statement, then returned to her side of the table with a typical Buffybot smile. Tara hated to admit how much she enjoyed hanging out with Buffybot. Offhandedly, she wondered what it said about her that, outside of her girlfriend naturally, she seemed most comfortable talking with a machine.
Maybe, she mused with a grin, she shouldn’t mention that little tidbit to Willow when she and Xander arrived in a few minutes.
“Pardon me, my lovely girl...”
Tara felt someone tap her ever so lightly on the shoulder, the same moment as the words reached her ears. It was an oddly lyrical male voice, and she turned to see a thin, impeccably dressed man. He was completely bald, and his face seemed to have a very unusual cut to it..Tara couldn’t quite put her finger on anything specific. Buffybot looked up from her biscotti and caffeine to see what was going on. Like Tara, she didn’t recognize the man.
“...but I’m having such a day.“ The man continued, grinning in a fashion that made Tara somehow nervous. “Would you perchance come take a whirl at a game that we could play? I seem to have misplaced a thing whose value is quite dear, and when I say misplaced I mean it’s stolen, I do fear. To play my game you only have to tell where I might find, my stone now lost to human greed but, make no question, mine.”
Buffybot grinned with delight. “That rhymed!” She exclaimed, replaying the man’s words over and over again in her electronic memory. “Rhyming is very neat! Are you a professional rhymer?”
The man hovering over Tara made no notice of Buffybot, waiting for Tara’s reply to his oddly rhyming question. Tara seemed a little out of it, as if she was suddenly coming down with a headache. She shook her head and blinked a few times, then stared at the man again. Buffybot thought she looked scared.
“Uhhh...no, no I’m sorry,” Tara said, sounding surprised, “I’m sorry, but I haven’t seen your stone, or whatever it is. M-Maybe I could help...”
With a sudden grand flourish, the man recoiled from Tara and stood erect, holding his arms apart and looking extremely smug. “How now, too bad, you lost the game, I’m sure you did your best. But best or not, it’s all the same in my fun riddling test. I’ve won as I so often do, and loser is your role. A prize is mine to claim from you, I think I’ll have...your soul.”
The man’s features seemed to melt away then, revealing a harshly angular green-skinned face, with a long rictus grin framing jagged teeth practically from ear to pointy ear. Tara screamed reflexively, falling down in her sudden scramble to back away from whatever demon had just revealed itself before her. The demon himself just chuckled, and reached a clawed hand out towards her. Before he arrived at his prize, something clamped down around his wrist in a grip that was hard and soft at the same time. He looked up, and saw Buffybot scowling at him. Quite disapprovingly.
“Hey, funny rhyming or no,” she said, accessing her threatening tone from her vocal file base, “No one threatens my friends’ souls when I’M around!”
Keeping her right hand firmly clamped to the demon’s arm, Buffybot clenched her left into a fist and walloped him one right in the nose, before yanking him off his feet and over the table, well away from Tara. The table and it’s assortment of snack foods and caffeinated beverages clattered noisily to the floor. The other Espresso Pump patrons were starting to get a familiar sense of Sunnydale panic and were scrambling for the nearest exits. Tara got herself to her feet and ran to a spot several feet behind Buffybot, watching as the robot let the demon get to its feet before her, then nailing him with an uppercut that sent him sailing over the outer wall of the Pump and into the street. Since her back was to her, Tara didn’t notice the eminently satisfied smile on Buffybot’s face, before she leapt over the wall herself and after the demon.
***********
Only a few blocks away, Xander and Willow were good and unaware of the trouble up ahead. Which was just as well, as they had plenty on their minds as it was.
“Will...are you serious? I mean, this can’t...are you serious?”
Willow held Xander’s hand tightly in hers, staring at him intently as they walked slowly along. “Xander, I’ve been giving this a lot of thought. Doing some research, looking into what materials I’d need...and I can DO this, I SWEAR I can.” Xander’s face was fading to a fast pale, but Willow didn’t waver. “But I can’t do it alone, Xander. I need your help.”
Xander stopped walking, and stared into his friend’s eyes. She was filled with the resolve that she’d developed so well in the last few years. He found it, as always, hard to say no to.
“This is pretty big news, Will.” He said, his voice trembling more than slightly, “You’re talking about...you’re talking about what I think you’re talking about, right?”
Willow nodded gravely. “We can do this, Xander, together we CAN do this.” She smiled then, letting a twinkle back in her eye that Xander hadn’t seen for a long time. “...We can bring her back to us.”
Xander was trying to absorb all that Willow had just told him when a crash of glass breaking startled him. He and Willow both turned their heads, but couldn’t see the source of the sound. More crashings followed, and now they could tell they were originating from just around the corner from the next block...just where they were headed, naturally.
Before Xander could bolt, Willow grabbed his arm to slow him down, then told him in all seriousness, “Don’t tell anyone about this, okay? Not yet.”
He thought, then nodded his quick consent, and then they both ran towards the source of the increasing sounds of conflict ahead. They were nearing the corner when everything went suddenly silent. They paused in mid-stride before turning. Somehow, they both seemed to get the same idea that when things suddenly go quiet that meant that things were about to get much, much...
“WWHOOOAAAOOWWW!!”
...At which point Buffybot came soaring into view, arms and legs flailing helplessly as she flew through the air before slamming hard into the street before Willow and Xander. She rolled and bounced along for several feet until finally skidding to a halt. Willow and Xander rushed over to her as fast as they could, though she had already managed to at least sit up by then. Her eyes were wide with considerable surprise.
“Buffybot!” Willow shouted, silently reprimanding herself for calling her that a second later...they were supposed to call her ‘Buffy’ in public. “Are you okay? What’s happening?”
Buffybot shook her head and blinked a few times, then looked at Willow. “You don’t think I smell funny, do you?”
Immediately , Willow started examining Buffybot for any open wounds or exposed circuitry. “She must be glitching,” she said to Xander, who was only listening halfheartedly, “Probably landed the wrong way.”
“Oh yeah? Well I think I found out who sent her on her trip.”
Willow looked down the street where Xander was facing, and quickly spotted the same green, grinning demon Xander had. He was staring down towards them and Buffybot, amidst a scene of no small carnage beside several shops and parked cars. How long had Buffybot been brawling with this character, Willow wondered? And where was...
Her heart suddenly skipped a terrified beat, and Willow started scanning about worriedly for Tara. Before long, she spotted her further down the street, just outside the Espresso Pump. Tara saw Willow at the same time, and started running towards her on the opposite sidewalk from the demon, who seemed to be taking a moment to catch his breath. As soon as Tara came into his view, however, the savage grin returned to his face, and he started loping after her.
“Tara, RUN!” Xander shouted, even as he started sprinting towards the demon at full steam. Tara instinctively looked behind, and let out a tiny yelp when she saw how close her pursuer had managed to get.
“Get AWAY from her!”
Willow glared at the demon, shutting her eyes for a second and spreading her arms out by her sides. When she reopened them, they were black. For a moment the air about her seemed to sparkle, and Buffybot, who had come to a stand right behind her, could feel her artificial hairs standing on end. Then a wave of invisible force shot forth from the young witch, rippling past Xander and Tara and slamming into the demon, knocking him backwards. Tara sped up, running right up to Willow and embracing her tight when she arrived.
“Thank God you’re here!” Tara said, hugging Willow close.
“S’okay, baby. I was so worried!”
“No really,” Buffybot interrupted, “DO I smell funny? You can tell me, really!”
Willow and Tara both gave Buffybot a curious look, Willow’s swiftly turning to concern. “You smell fine, already! Now go! Help Xander!”
Willow pointed back down the street to where Xander was tackling the demon in question, still off-balance from Willow’s assault. It was evident very quickly, though, that the demon was a good deal stronger than Xander. Buffybot’s life-preservation protocols began overriding her curiosity drives again, and she bolted back into the fray.
*************
The demon hurled Xander back off of him with a grunt, then spat on the ground.
“You humans are a tragic lot,” He said, disgust in his voice, “...the way you breed and pray. You wallow in this fleshly rot in putrid lives of gray. I loathe you, swear I from this spot, far more than words can say, so pray indulge me, will you not, and all just GO AWAY!”
Before he could finish getting back to a full stand, Xander found himself being tossed backwards, away from the demon, by something he couldn’t see. Out of the corner of his eye, he could notice Tara, Willow, and several other people in the surrounding vicinity being similarly tossed away.
From his newly spacious vantage point, the demon started to gather his wits about him once again, smiling at his success. Until, that is, he noticed Buffybot standing next to him.
“Did you forget to check your watch?” She asked him. He stared at her incredulously.
“Because it’s clobbering time.”
A half second later, Buffybot walloped the demon with a roundhouse shot in the chops, then sent him flying with a well-oiled high kick. The demon landed with a painful crash, prompting a grin of mimicked pride in Buffybot.
“And I do NOT smell funny!” She added, watching her opponent writhe about on the street before her, “Willow said so!”
Crawling to a partial stand, the demon shook the spots out of his vision, glancing about to see some of the humans re-entering the space he’d only just gotten cleared of them, and the...thing that was trashing him walking towards him. He sighed, sounding rather exhausted.
“All right, already, I can see when I’ve been dealt a blow. I concede, you’ve bested me, but one act is not the show. You’ve kept me from my rightful prize, my less-than-human Miss. But that which walks is that which dies. Remember that. Kiss kiss!”
Before Buffybot could take another step, the demon seemed to ripple somehow, and then simply vanished before her optic receptors. She blinked a few times, then turned to where Xander, Willow and Tara were clambering back to their feet.
“Hey...EVERYTHING he said rhymed! Do you think that’s unusual?”
***************
“Good Heavens,” Giles sputtered later at the Magic Box, after being filled in on the afternoon’s events, “Is everyone all right?”
“Few scrapes and bruises.” Willow shrugged, massaging Tara’s shoulders. “He tossed us around pretty good with some spell. But least he didn’t get Tara’s soul or anything. Spooky.”
Tara smiled and patted Willow’s hand, and Giles seemed fairly relieved. “Well, thank goodness for that. And you say this creature spoke in some sort of...verse?”
“Well, those coffee joints always do attract an artsy crowd.” Xander opined from his chair, Anya standing beside him.
Tara nodded. “Yeah, he asked me about some stone he was trying to find...and when he did? It was like he put an image of it inside my mind, I could SEE it. It was pretty freaky.”
Giles‘ ears perked up. “Really? A stone? Could you describe it?”
She shrugged. “Sure. But it looked more like a crystal to me than a stone, sorta pretty actually.”
“Maybe he needs it for some spell or something? Willow offered, but Tara seemed skeptical.
“He said someone stole it from him. Humans, specifically.”
Intrigued, Giles walked purposefully towards one of the bookshelves and started yanking volumes. “Well, there are several species of rhyming or riddling demons,” He said, handing thick books to Xander and Anya, “We should have enough to go on to identify the one that attacked you without too much trouble.”
“Hope so,” Tara said, “I’m just glad Buffybot was there when it showed up, otherwise I’d have about as much soul right now as Michael Bolton.”
Willow put her arms around Tara’s neck, giving her a little hug. “Buffybot? Yes, of course, I’d almost forgotten,” Giles admitted, a twinge of guilt creeping out. “I trust she, uhh, weathered the battle in working order?”
“Weathered?” Xander leaned forward and rested his elbows on the table. “I’ll say. Little RoboBuff was kicking greeny’s butt until he pulled his vanishing act. Those Sunnydale mad scientists sure can build ’em.”
Willow smiled faintly. “We left her at home with Dawn. Figured the two of them might as well sit out the research session. ‘Sides, they could use a little bonding time.”
************
“I wonder what’s the goal you seek, in tasking me with battle.
And your stench, it has a different reek from other human cattle.
You’re something new, a mystery, and though that is intriguing,
For now I bid you fly from me, I find your fists fatiguing.”
Dawn seemed impressed, as she sat on the couch listening to Buffybot replay the words spoken to her earlier in her fight with the demon. “Wow,” She said, leaning forward a little more, “I didn’t know you could do voices like that. Very cool!”
“Thank you!” Buffybot replied proudly, “I have MANY skills!”
“So what happened then?” Dawn asked, very much enjoying the story so far, “Did you bust him up some more?”
Buffybot shook her head. “No, then I flew away from him. Just like he told me to, actually. I think he was a magic demon.” Buffybot paused, quickly running that hypothesis through her logic battery before continuing, “Yes, that makes sense. Definitely magic.”
“I can’t believe he said you had a ‘stench’.” Dawn said with a grimace, “ That is , like, completely rude, even for a demon.”
“I thought so too!” Buffybot quickly agreed, before reluctantly asking the question she had been plagued with for hours now. “I...I don’t REALLY smell funny, do I? Because you could tell me if I did!”
Dawn straightened up as she waved off Buffybot’s worries. “Absolutely not! I love the way you smell. Kinda like ‘new car’ smell, but less leathery. Plus, you’ve got a killer perfume on today. Who picked it out?”
Perfect teeth flashed in a smile. “I did! All by myself!”
Buffybot’s enthusiasm made Dawn giggle. Sometimes she was hard to have around...mostly because seeing her was like seeing Buffy again. But other times? Dawn was starting to think of Buffybot as almost like a little sister all her own. Although she didn’t tell the others that.
“So what happened then?”
“Let me guess...”
Buffybot and Dawn turned towards the voice in the hallway, where Spike was standing just inside the door. Dawn hadn’t realized the sun had already gone down. He leaned against the door jamb, grinning smugly.
“...You and the Scoobies waded in with fists blaring and trumpets swinging. Threw a few punches, tossed some magic around, maybe made a few poorly-timed quips...”
Shoving off from the door, Spike made his way into the living room, pausing briefly beside Buffybot, giving her a sideways glance.
“...And eventually, the lot of you bollixed it up and let the bad guy get away. Sound about right?”
He continued on past the Buffybot, ignoring the oddly hurt stare she was casting his way, instead patting Dawn on the head and plopping himself down beside her on the couch.
“I’ll get him next time!” Buffybot protested, “You just watch!”
Without looking up at her, Spike replied in a decidedly cold tone. “Bloody well better. Won’t do at all, lettin’ the nasties and what-nots slippin’ out of your cast iron fingers like that.” He glared momentarily up at her.
“Never know when they’ll come back to bite you.”
**************
“I sent Spike a little brain-to-brain message after we left the house,” Willow mentioned to Xander, halfway through volume VII of Xoryn’s guide to Lower Creatures, “Maybe get him to check in on Dawnie.”
Xander looked up at Willow from his research, grinning. “Getting pretty impressive with the telepathy, Will. And never a busy signal.”
“I was thinking,” she said, getting caught up, forgetting temporarily about the task at hand, “Maybe we could use it when we’re patrolling. Like, I could direct all you guys from a central point or something. Y’know, open the lines of communication more.”
Xander thought about that and slowly nodded. “Telepathic link...I like it.” He said, rubbing his chin, “Very JLA.”
“Sounds creepy if you ask me,” Anya added suddenly, keeping her eyes fixed on the text in front of her, “Poking around in other people’s minds can only lead to all kinds of social awkwardness.”
Well nobody asked you, Willow forced herself not to say.
“Oo!” Tara peeped suddenly, from her perch at the counter. She held up the book she was reading through. “I found him!”
Everyone started to get up from their seats, gathering round Tara and Giles at the counter. Giles took the book from Tara and started reading at the page she’d marked.
“Ah, yes, of course,” He started, squinting slightly at the ancient text, “A Queryl demon. It’s a soul-collector, a subspecies of Goblin, originating from one of the Faerie dimensions.”
A girlish smile played over Willow’s face. “Faerie? You mean, like, elves and sprites and unicorns and stuff?” Giles seemed noncommital.
“Sometimes.” He offered, then quickly adding, “Sometimes not.”
Anya concurred. “There’s lots of Faerie-like dimensions. They tend to blend with the demon worlds. You’ll get all the cute stuff and the little happy pixies, but then you’ll get goblins who boil children, flesh-eating giants, and lots and lots of bug-people stuck in your hair. And Elves? Just as soon chop you up and throw you on the woodpile as go fishing.”
Willow’s smile twisted into a rather revulsed scowl. Giles cleared his throat.
“If I may?” He said, continuing with his text, “It seems our gent the Queryl is indeed a rhyming demon...his powers, such as they are, rest in the spoken word. Whatever he says, basically...happens.”
“Wow.” Tara said, thinking about what Giles said for a moment. “I guess he really must have to watch what he says, huh?”
************
“Knock knock.”
Dawn waited and waited, but Buffybot just stood there blinking at her. With a frustrated sigh after about thirty seconds, she finally added, “Say ‘Who’s there?’”
Buffybot narrowed her eyes, feeling a little confused, but acquiescing nonetheless. “Who’s there?”
“Dwayne.” Dawn said, and now Buffybot looked extremely confused. Behind her eyes, her electronic pathways were suddenly flooding with traffic, checking and rechecking datafiles and memory caches, to see if she had any sort of virus. She looked plaintively at Dawn.
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you Dawn?”
Spike exhaled loudly. “Bloody Hell,” He said, turning towards Dawn,”Dwayne who?”
“Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning!” Dawn replied, laughing at herself as she did so. Spike gave her a polite grin, but Buffybot was still hopelessly in the dark.
“Okay, okay, I know I’m too old for knock-knock jokes, but still...”
“I still don’t understand,” Buffybot pleaded, “ARE you Dawn? And have you developed a lisp?”
Dawn smiled at Buffybot. “No...I mean, yes, I’m Dawn. It’s a joke, see? I’ll explain it to you...”
Spike suddenly rose from the couch. “And that conversation promises to be SO interesting, I’m going for a smoke. Try not to fry her circuits, little bit.”
Spike swaggered past Buffybot out of the living room, heading down the hall and exiting onto the back porch. He lit up as fast as he could manage, glad to be away from the robot for a few minutes. Looking at her...at IT, made him feel...well, that was bad enough, wasn’t it? Making him feel.
Spike took a long drag, and realized he’d lied in there, just now. He hoped Dawn DID fry the sodding machine’s mainframe, or whatever it was. Should have never built the damn thing...
He hadn’t gotten more than a few puffs into his cigarette when he heard the scream from inside the house. Dawn’s scream. His smoke hadn’t reached the ground before he was back into the house and halfway down the hall. When he tore around the corner, he spotted Dawn, standing behind Buffybot and both facing the couch.
On the couch was the Queryl, grinning devilishly.
“And that makes three, you’re all here now, allow me to review:
One demon man, a human cow, and one that’s something new.
The third of you crossed me today, and I’d dearly love to skin her.
But rules are rules, and thus we’ll play, and by them find the winner.”
*************
“So the Queryl’s powers are all verbally based,” Willow said, thinking out loud. “That’s good, we can work with that. Maybe me and Tara could come up with some sort of muting spell to work on him. “
Giles nodded approval. “I think that’s an excellent idea. But we’ll have to find him first.”
Slowly, Anya raised her hand. “What about this stone, or crystal or whatever it is he’s looking for? Maybe we should be trying to find that, instead. He’ll be looking for it, right?”
“I’m afraid we haven’t a great amount of information to go on in that respect,” Giles admitted with some frustration, “The texts mention nothing about any specific possessions of the demon’s, and all we know about it is that the Queryl claims it’s been stolen by humans. That hardly narrows the search down very much.”
“Not to muddy the already polluted waters,” Xander said, hesitant, “But should we be worrying about whoever it is stealing magic rocks from pretentious demons here? Call me crazy, but that does sound like the sort of thing that can end up doing the big kaboom in all our faces.”
Giles sighed. “One problem at a time. Let’s deal first with finding this demon and killing him, or sending him back where he came from at least.”
“So how DO we kill him?” Anya asked, and Giles made a quick recheck of his texts before answering.
“Physically, the creature is...unremarkable, for a demon at any rate.”
“So, your usual hack-and-slash job? I’ll get the carving knife!”
Giles smiled over Xander’s enthusiasm, but as usual, had a few more sobering thoughts to share. “One more thing, before we leap into any frays. This creature is governed by a fairly stringent set of rules, much more so than your average demon. That can work in our favour, but can also work against us. Above all, I can’t stress enough the importance of NOT being tricked into entering into any contest of words with the Queryl. So doing could unwittingly bind you, into a sort of mystical ‘contract’ of sorts. I believe this may be what he did with Tara.”
Tara got wide-eyed at that revelation, and Willow suddenly grew extremely nervous.
“I think she’s safe for now,” Giles quickly added, seeing the reactions of the two witches, “...but we should definitely keep her as far away from the creature as possible until he’s been dispatched. He may still consider her to be in his ‘debt’.”
“Maybe we should drop Tara off with Buffybot and Dawn, before saddling up.” Xander suggested, and Tara herself seemed somewhat relieved to hear it. “The rest of us can go hunting for the quizmaster from the Black Lagoon.”
Willow nodded a very anxious approval for this plan, and Giles moved towards the telephone.
“Gather some supplies, then,” He said as he started dialling, “I’ll phone Dawn, let her know we’re coming.”
**************
Buffybot tried to attack the grinning demon perched on the Summers’ sofa, but she seemed unable to move. Her motor relays were all functioning perfectly and power levels were all nominal. But when she tried to move...nothing happened. From the grunts she could hear coming from Spike, she intuited he was having the same problem.
The Queryl rose from the couch and strode back and forth in front of his imprisoned hosts, stalking like a cat.
“Your motions are by me restricted, as you have doubtless wondered.
All fisticuffs are interdicted, all paths to battle sundered.
We’ll see this through as per tradition, in all things great or little.
To claim the prize of my submission, you need only best my riddle.”
He stopped his pacing then, and came to a halt before the Buffybot. He smiled a hateful smile, and breathed hotly on her artificial skin. “Twas you who kept me from my prize, a soul I earned most fairly, and so it’s you who, in my eyes, must now engage me squarely. I’ll pose to you my riddle and, if you should guess it’s meaning, I’ll forfeit my prize sans demand and take my leave this evening.”
The Queryl narrowed his yellow eyes. “If you should lose, as I expect you’re all but sure to do,
The soul I’m owed I shall collect, but more I am now due. I smell a bonus I must own, a soul both old and new. So to the pot will this be thrown...” The Queryl paused, then turned his glare and pointed a clawed finger menacingly towards Dawn, who reacted with horror.
“...the essence that is YOU.”
Dawn let slip a high pitched peep of fear, and clung a little tighter to Buffybot’s arm. Spike redoubled his efforts to get at the Queryl, but simply couldn’t move at all.
“Like HELL!!” He shouted, frustration rising inside his frame, “Bloody poncey riddling bastard, I’ll give you a challenge! I’ll tear you arms off and challenge you to a thumb wrestle, how about that?”
The demon seemed about to reply, when the air was broken by the sudden ringing of the telephone. Dawn almost jumped out of her skin, and Buffybot could feel how scared she was by the pressure her little hands were applying to her forearm. She herself was feeling a little out of depth in this situation. All the neat rhymes aside, exactly what was going on? She got the idea she was supposed to play a game with this demon, or something along those lines. And he seemed to want both Tara’s, and now Dawn’s, souls.
Whatever a soul is, Buffybot thought, perplexed by the thought.
The telephone rang several times before finally stopping, unanswered, and the Queryl stepped back gracefully, as if he needed room. He smiled and bowed, like a showman, then straightened up and faced his opponent. Buffybot stared back at him, thinking how this would all be much, much easier if she could just punch him.
**************
Giles hung up the telephone. “That’s odd,” He said, a slight tremor of worry creeping into his voice, “There’s no answer.” Willow and Tara both looked at each other, suddenly concerned. Xander and Anya were still downstairs collecting weapons.
“Botty wouldn’t have left,” Tara said, “We specifically told her to keep Dawn home.” Tara was starting to feel afraid, and Willow quickly shut her eyes and concentrated.
“I’m trying Spike.” She said, and in a moment the tiny hairs on the back of her neck were standing on end as waves of telepathic energy started emanating from her body out across Sunnydale, and into the dead brain of a centuries-old vampire. The process took seconds, and Willow suddenly saw what Spike was seeing. Keeping her eyes closed, she screamed even as her heart skipped several beats.
“He’s there! The demon’s there!!”
***************
Dawn was shaking, clinging tight to Buffybot as the Queryl stared her down. From the other side of Buffybot, she could kind of hear Spike, mumbling something under his lack-of-breath, but she couldn’t make out what.
“Sodding Hell, Red,” Spike whispered softly through gritted teeth, acknowledging the sudden presence in his head, “Send in the damned cavalry, already...”
If the Queryl heard the Vampire’s words, he made no move to acknowledge them. Rather, he planted his feet firmly, rolled his shoulders, and opened his mouth, prepared to issue his challenge. Buffybot just stared.
“The question, do or die...
I have no spark yet I ignite,
My sharpened teeth possess no bite.
And if you fail to hold me tight,
You’ll be cast out into the night.
...I ask you, what am I?”
****************
“What?” Giles rushed over to Willow, eyes still shut in telepathic contact with Spike. “Good God...what’s happening? Is the demon..?”
“He’s asking a riddle...he’s challenging Buffybot! Oh my god...”
“Willow? What are they playing for? Can you see?”
Willow tensed a moment, gleaning the answer to Giles’ question from Spike’s mind. Her eyes shot open, and she looked terrified.
“We’ve gotta get over there,” She shouted, “NOW!!”
******************
There was a moment of silence after the Queryl’s riddle was spoken, and he grinned like a cat awaiting his answer from Buffybot.
Dawn was running the words over and over in her mind, but she didn’t fancy herself very good at brain teasers. All she kept coming up with was ‘fire’, but that was always her answer to these things, and it was always wrong.
Spike got it right away. But try as he might to shout out the answer, no sound would emerge. Seems the demon’s contest was only open to one participant. And as Spike looked over at her robotic visage, he could immediately see that they were in big, big trouble.
Buffybot looked placidly at the Queryl, wondering why he had just told her all those odd things. She logged that question away in one of her streaming data logarithms, returning her attention to the creature. He apparently wanted an answer to his question, and then he would free them all and not take anybody’s soul. Seemed easy enough.
Buffybot smiled. “You’re a demon.” She replied, and Dawn’s heart sank like a stone. The Queryl let loose a harsh chuckle, and the spell restraining Spike’s voice was suddenly dropped.
“Bloody Hell!” He shouted towards the Buffybot, who recoiled slightly at the harshness in Spike’s words, “Could the irony BE any more obvious? It’s a sodding Key, Brainiac!”
The Queryl laughed at Spike. “The Vampire’s right, there is no doubt, but the answer comes too late. I’ve won again, another rout, and hey...it feels great!” Walking closer, the Queryl knelt down in front of Buffybot, still held powerless to move, and stroked Dawn’s trembling head.
“I’ll take my due from this wee girl, and then I’ll find the witch. I’ll pluck her soul just like a pearl....my thanks,” He glanced up towards the struggling Buffybot. “...You’ve made me rich.”
“No!” Buffybot protested, stepping up her efforts to get at the Queryl, to no effect, “You ARE a demon! I answered right...you’re just cheating!” Buffybot squirmed helplessly. “I am SO gonna beat you up for that!”
“Please, wait!” Dawn pleaded, gaining the demon’s attention once again. He bared his rows of horrible teeth at her, and she fought back a wave of panic. “Please, she...she didn’t understand!”
Dawn looked up at Buffybot. “He didn’t mean it literally...it was a riddle. A joke!” She turned back to the Queryl. “She just didn’t get what you were doing...ask her another one! Really!”
Suddenly, Buffybot stopped struggling, as Dawn’s words sank into her cerebral matrices. She ran the Queryl’s words again through her conversational descramblers, charged with a new understanding this time. Within seconds, a look of delight crossed her face.
“A key...I get it!” Buffybot exclaimed, turning to aim her newfound smile at Spike. “A key has teeth, but it doesn’t bite people! That’s very funny!”
Spike’s face drooped. “Oh terrific,” He said with a total lack of optimism, “That oughtta do it. Great timing.”
Undaunted, Buffybot swivelled her head around to the Queryl, now raising one clawed hand over Dawn’s head. He grinned in triumph, and Dawn’s eyes shut tightly.
“I have a joke!” Buffybot exclaimed. The Queryl froze.
Slowly, he drew his hand back to his side, and he rose to face Buffybot, eyes wide in surprise, and some mistrust. Buffybot just smiled.
“You’d challenge me? My dear, that’s bold, and rather unexpected. But I am weary, truth be told, two souls have I collected, And now I’d like to take my leave and line my sacred coffers. What more is there to achieve?” He leaned his face in close to Buffybot. “What more have you to offer?”
Buffybot thought about that for a second, before quickly responding, “You could have MY soul!” She reasoned that, if she didn’t know what it was, she probably didn’t need it very much. Then she motioned to her left. “And Spike’s too!”
“Now, just you wait a bleedin’ minute...”
The Queryl cast a disparaging clawed hand in Spike’s direction. “A Vampire soul? A trifling trinket, no incentive there. And I’m ashamed that you would think it adequate as fare. And as for you, I don’t know what you...” Pausing, the demon leaned in closer to Buffybot, taking a long sniff from her neckline. Dawn cringed.
“...here, can this be wrong? He continued, edging back away from Buffybot and eyeing her warily. “There’s something there, a sliver, but...” He paused again, seeming lost in thought. Spike and Dawn tried their best to lean in closer, but Buffybot just kept on smiling, waiting patiently. Finally, the Queryl made his decision.
“...All right, my dear. You’re on.”
Buffybot beamed triumphantly, and was about to speak when Dawn cut her off. “Wait!” She shouted, glaring sternly at the Queryl. “If she wins...that means I keep my soul right? And Tara?” The demon nodded.
“And you’ll leave? Just...poof, or whatever? Gone?” He nodded again.
Spike seemed less than thrilled, though. “And if YOU win?”
The smile slowly played out across the Queryl’s awful face, and it almost sent a chill down Spike’s spine. “We’re right buggered,” He muttered. Buffybot turned to Dawn.
“Do I get to tell my joke now?” She asked, excited. Dawn wrapped her hands around Buffybot’s, and nodded affirmative.
Buffybot faced the Queryl and spoke. “Knock Knock!”
A look of abject horror froze on Dawn’s face. Spike nearly cried.
“Bloody buggery holy Hell!!” He shouted towards the ceiling, “Why don’t we just set ourselves on fire??”
Buffybot was unfazed, and she awaited the Queryl’s response. When it was slow in coming, however, Dawn and Spike slowly glanced over at the demon. They were rather surprised to see a look on his face, not unfamiliar to utter confusion. When he spoke, there was serious trepidation in his voice.
“...beg pardon?”
Buffybot leaned over a touch, lowering her voice. “Ask me who’s there!” She said, then returned upright. The demon seemed wary, but continued.
“Um...who’s there?”
“Dwayne!” Buffybot shot back. She was almost bouncing she was so excited. The Queryl obviously didn’t share her joy. Dawn was starting to understand.
“Now...if you don’t know who’s there, you say, ‘Dwayne who?’” Dawn offered cautiously, and the demon was now visibly shaken. He seemed on the verge of saying something else, and for nearly a minute he simply fidgeted in aggravated silence.
When his words finally squeaked out, they were barely audible.
“Dwayne...who?”
“Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning!” Buffybot shouted, clapping with unrestrained glee at her jest. Dawn let out a squeal of elation herself, giving Buffybot a very relieved hug. Spike was right knackered.
“I...I don’t get it!” The Queryl weakly protested, though a look of defeat was certainly settling upon his features. Buffybot giggled.
“I don’t really have a lisp,” she said, quite proud of herself right now, “I was pretending!”
“You did it...you really did it!” Dawn beamed at the Buffybot, tugging at her shirtsleeve. “You beat him!”
“Yeah...right!” Spike finally offered, glaring disdainfully at the Queryl, “Tough luck friend, guess knock-knock jokes aren’t interdimensional after all. Bugger off.”
The Queryl raised a hand in near-protest, before letting it hang down again unbidden. He sulked, and when he finally spoke, hi stones were much considerably grumpier than before.
“This ‘knock-knock’ spell is tricky brew...I’d think to have been cheated,
But my senses say you’ve riddled true, and left me sore defeated.
I’ll hold my word and take my bow, but I leave you with this picture...”
A shimmering doorway started to form behind the Queryl, making the air in the Summers’ living room electric. The demon glared at Buffybot, pointing a threatening finger straight at her.
“Your victory is just for now...and I’ll be back to getcha!”
As the Queryl stepped into the doorway and out of our world, Spike and Dawn both released breaths of relief that this was finally over, even as the Queryl’s restraining spell faded away, allowing them all to move again. They didn’t notice the look of worry suddenly appearing on Buffybot’s face, as she replayed Spike’s earlier words inside her mind;
“Won’t do at all, lettin’ the nasties and what-nots slippin’ out of your cast iron fingers like that.” He had said. “Never know when they’ll come back to bite you.”
“Oh no you don’t!” Buffybot shouted, suddenly slipping out of Dawn’s grip and leaping towards the rapidly vanishing Queryl. Before Dawn could even shout after her to stop, it was too late. Buffybot and the Queryl both plummeted into the doorway, which promptly vanished from view, leaving behind no trace it had ever been there at all. Dawn and Spike were alone.
And as understanding started to sink in, Dawn took a few uneasy steps forward, to the spot where the doorway had been just moments before. She reached her hand out slowly, swimming her fingers through the air, feeling nothing. When she finally spoke, she didn’t even realize she had started to cry.
“She’s gone...
...Buffybot’s gone.”
TO BE CONTINUED...
ADDENDUM
Alan Moore and Grant Morrison are two of the most respected comic book writers working in the field today. Moore is currently writing the America’s Best Comics line, and his comic “From Hell’ was recently turned into a major motion picture. Morrison is the current writer of the New X-Men for Marvel Comics. Both are highly recommended by me.
The Backstreet Boys are a popular boy-band, with such songs as...well, if you know them, you know them, am I right? Giles would doubtless be a welcome addition to the roster.
JLA is short for Justice League of America, DC Comics’ premier super-hero team (is it sinking in yet that I’m a comic book geek?). They stay in contact on missions via a telepathic linkup instituted by J’onn J’onnz, the Martian Manhunter. Incidentally, Grant Morrison was the writer who introduced that concept to the comic. :)
Special thanks to azkidsnet.com and riddlenut.com for joke research.
Otherthingswise, I'm digging the new Doc Who. He has a kind of old-school Troughton vibe to him that really works. Next ep looks faboo!
The Buffybot Adventures - Season One - Episode Three
RIDDLE ME THIS, BUFFYBOT
Sunnydale California. Midnight. An abandoned warehouse on the outskirts of the bad part of the bad part of town. In the center of the huge space sit two beings, focussed and intent. One is human. The other...decidedly not.
“You’re wrong, you know. Dead wrong.”
The demon spoke in a husky voice, the words sounding as if they’d only barely made their escape from his scaly throat. He glared as he spoke, raising the series of small spikes that passed for eyebrows on his dark green face towards the man opposite him. They sat, facing each other, hands clasped in a crude circular formation. Between them, the air seemed uneasy, rippling as if about to tear. The man, whose eyes were closed, furrowed his brow at the comment.
“Aren’t.” He replied in a thickly Scottish accent, “Now concentrate.”
“I can concentrate and tell you you’re wrong at the same time.” The demon said, annoying the man. “And I’m doing both right now.”
For a minute it seemed as if the man wouldn’t respond, instead keeping his eyes tight shut and concentrating hard on the steadily increasing disturbance in the air before him. He had spent several months planning and preparing for this ceremony, and he wouldn’t fail now. Just a few moments, and the stone would be his...
Oh, the Hell with it, he decided. I can concentrate and argue too.
“Listen.” The man said, opening his eyes and staring down the Magrithal demon, looking so damn smug across from him, “Moore’s lost it, and that’s that. He was good in his day, but now, that day is past. Morrison’s got it all over him now...”
“Oh, that is SO not true and you KNOW it!” The demon protested, his tusks grinding together even as flickers of light started appearing and disappearing in the space between them. “League of Extraordinary Gentlemen? Brilliant stuff. Tell me it wasn’t brilliant.”
Sparks started flying from mid-air and the man pursed his lips, static charges making his dark hair and beard twitch just a little. “Gentlemen was fine,” He admitted, “But what about the rest? Tom Strong? PROMETHEA, for God’s sake? Wanker hippy shite and YOU know it!”
The man smiled as the demon squirmed and frowned, and something started to take shape in the space between them. When he talked again, his tone was decidedly less smug. The man liked that.
“Yeah, well...maybe.” The demon snorted. “But what’s Morrison done? Where’s his legacy? Check the list, fleshbag; Watchmen. Miracleman. Swamp Thing. That Superman Annual...I forget the number...”
“The one where he fought Mongul in the Fortress of Solitude?” The man offered, and the Demon’s black eyes widened.
“That’s the one.”
“All right,” The man said, acquiescing somewhat, “...that WAS pretty cool.”
The demon grinned, but only for a moment, when the man glared sharply at him, while the ghostly image of something sharp and bright started to appear six inches above the floor.
“But you’re talking ancient history, Hugo!” The man shouted. The demon looked hurt.
“It’s Boris!”
“...Sorry. But listen. I’m not saying the man won’t deserve a beauty of a wristwatch at his retirement party; I’m just saying that such a party is long overdue! His best is past, while Morrison is in his prime. He’s at the top of his game, the top of the charts, he’s a rebel with a plan of action...”
Finally, a blue-green crystalline rock with jagged edges materialized into existence between the man and the demon, hovering briefly in the air before starting to fall. It hadn’t made it an inch before the man broke his hold on the demon’s hand and snapped it up. He beheld it with a satisfied smile, rolling it about in his hands for a second, then looking back towards Boris.
“...and the best is yet to come.”
THE FOLLOWING DAY
“Welcome to the Espresso Pump. What can I do for you today?”
Buffybot smiled delightedly as the woman, a worker drone with the designation ‘waitress’, took their order. She was sitting in the noonday sun on the patio of the Espresso Pump with her friends Tara and Mister Giles. She liked being with her friends, especially at new places.
“I require a caffeinated beverage!” She exclaimed, causing a pained expression on Giles’ face. Tara giggled. She often giggled when Buffybot spoke, something the robot actually rather enjoyed. “Ooo, and biscotti! Lots of biscotti!”
“Just a regular coffee for me, please.” Tara said, “ Two creams.”
“Tea, chamomile please. And do you still have those muffins? With the blueberry and chocolate together?”
Giles was about to get an answer to his question when Buffybot interrupted. “Biscotti makes neat sounds when you crunch it!”
The waitress paused a moment, smiling politely at Buffybot, then turning back to Giles. “We do” She looked a little closer, then grinned. “Is that you, Rupert?”
Surprised, Giles looked a little closer at the woman, then at her nametag, finally remembering.
“Sheila...yes, of course. It’s, uh, been some time! How is everything here..?”
Sheila smiled warmly and started to answer. Buffybot, though, beat her to it.
“Do you know Mister Giles?” She asked, genuinely interested, though Giles himself prayed she would say no more. He would be disappointed. “Were you involved sexually?”
Sheila’s eyes went wide, and Giles’ sank in despair. “I’ll have that tea to go, please,” He said, a distinct air of humiliation and defeat in his voice. Slowly, Sheila returned to the counter with their orders, glaring occasionally back at Buffybot, whose curious smile never left her face the whole time.
“Now, this is exactly why I try to never go anywhere with Anya,” Giles moaned to Tara once the waitress was gone. She made a weak smile back. “She’ll never pass for Buffy if we can’t even program her to speak with some decorum.”
“Sorry,” Tara offered, “She’s kind of a work in progress. Willow’s working really hard on her, I promise.” Buffybot stared alternately at both of them, analyzing their words in her conversational matrices.
“So...” She started to say, making Giles cringe with anticipation, “You WEREN’T involved sexually?”
Tara started to giggle again, but stopped herself when she saw the look on Giles’ face. “If you must know, I used to play here.”
“Oh, right!” Tara added, remembering, “You sang here sometimes...you should do that again, you were really good.”
Buffybot nodded her concurrence. “You have a very pleasant singing voice, Giles. You could be a Backstreet Boy!”
This time Tara couldn’t hold back the laugh, and Giles sighed. “Oh, God willing,” he said with less than convincing enthusiasm. “But running the shop leaves little time for any musical endeavours, I’m afraid. And I really must be getting back.”
Giles rose from his seat, opting to retrieve his tea from the counter rather than risk another robotic outburst. Buffybot looked confused.
“Are you leaving because of me?” She asked, stopping him momentarily. “Was I conversationally unpleasant? Because I can do better!”
Giles smiled, patting Buffybot on the shoulder. “I know you can, dear. Just...practice, will you? Perhaps work on your long silences.”
Buffybot thought about that for a second, then nodded and smiled happily. Giles motioned goodbye to her and Tara, leaving them alone at the table. Shortly afterwards, Sheila returned and dropped off Tara and Buffybot’s order...almost literally...spending as little time as possible at the table. Tara squirmed uncomfortably in her chair, and Buffybot beamed with apparent delight. Tara watched her as she snapped off a piece of Biscotti and chomped away at it.
“So, umm...” Tara asked quietly, drawing Buffybot’s attention (though not stopping her from snacking), “Do you...I mean, you don’t...NEED to eat, do you? Exactly?”
Buffybot chewed. “Rrrnuh. Mm trung tsmlmett zzmnee...”
Rasing a finger to stop the robot, Tara tried to interrupt. “‘Botty, sweetie, don’t talk with your mouth full.”
Buffybot giggled, then swallowed her mouthful of biscotti. “Sorry. I said I’m trying to simulate as many normal human functions as possible.” She leaned conspiratorially over towards Tara, lowering her voice to a whisper. “For my secret identity.”
She winked to punctuate her statement, then returned to her side of the table with a typical Buffybot smile. Tara hated to admit how much she enjoyed hanging out with Buffybot. Offhandedly, she wondered what it said about her that, outside of her girlfriend naturally, she seemed most comfortable talking with a machine.
Maybe, she mused with a grin, she shouldn’t mention that little tidbit to Willow when she and Xander arrived in a few minutes.
“Pardon me, my lovely girl...”
Tara felt someone tap her ever so lightly on the shoulder, the same moment as the words reached her ears. It was an oddly lyrical male voice, and she turned to see a thin, impeccably dressed man. He was completely bald, and his face seemed to have a very unusual cut to it..Tara couldn’t quite put her finger on anything specific. Buffybot looked up from her biscotti and caffeine to see what was going on. Like Tara, she didn’t recognize the man.
“...but I’m having such a day.“ The man continued, grinning in a fashion that made Tara somehow nervous. “Would you perchance come take a whirl at a game that we could play? I seem to have misplaced a thing whose value is quite dear, and when I say misplaced I mean it’s stolen, I do fear. To play my game you only have to tell where I might find, my stone now lost to human greed but, make no question, mine.”
Buffybot grinned with delight. “That rhymed!” She exclaimed, replaying the man’s words over and over again in her electronic memory. “Rhyming is very neat! Are you a professional rhymer?”
The man hovering over Tara made no notice of Buffybot, waiting for Tara’s reply to his oddly rhyming question. Tara seemed a little out of it, as if she was suddenly coming down with a headache. She shook her head and blinked a few times, then stared at the man again. Buffybot thought she looked scared.
“Uhhh...no, no I’m sorry,” Tara said, sounding surprised, “I’m sorry, but I haven’t seen your stone, or whatever it is. M-Maybe I could help...”
With a sudden grand flourish, the man recoiled from Tara and stood erect, holding his arms apart and looking extremely smug. “How now, too bad, you lost the game, I’m sure you did your best. But best or not, it’s all the same in my fun riddling test. I’ve won as I so often do, and loser is your role. A prize is mine to claim from you, I think I’ll have...your soul.”
The man’s features seemed to melt away then, revealing a harshly angular green-skinned face, with a long rictus grin framing jagged teeth practically from ear to pointy ear. Tara screamed reflexively, falling down in her sudden scramble to back away from whatever demon had just revealed itself before her. The demon himself just chuckled, and reached a clawed hand out towards her. Before he arrived at his prize, something clamped down around his wrist in a grip that was hard and soft at the same time. He looked up, and saw Buffybot scowling at him. Quite disapprovingly.
“Hey, funny rhyming or no,” she said, accessing her threatening tone from her vocal file base, “No one threatens my friends’ souls when I’M around!”
Keeping her right hand firmly clamped to the demon’s arm, Buffybot clenched her left into a fist and walloped him one right in the nose, before yanking him off his feet and over the table, well away from Tara. The table and it’s assortment of snack foods and caffeinated beverages clattered noisily to the floor. The other Espresso Pump patrons were starting to get a familiar sense of Sunnydale panic and were scrambling for the nearest exits. Tara got herself to her feet and ran to a spot several feet behind Buffybot, watching as the robot let the demon get to its feet before her, then nailing him with an uppercut that sent him sailing over the outer wall of the Pump and into the street. Since her back was to her, Tara didn’t notice the eminently satisfied smile on Buffybot’s face, before she leapt over the wall herself and after the demon.
***********
Only a few blocks away, Xander and Willow were good and unaware of the trouble up ahead. Which was just as well, as they had plenty on their minds as it was.
“Will...are you serious? I mean, this can’t...are you serious?”
Willow held Xander’s hand tightly in hers, staring at him intently as they walked slowly along. “Xander, I’ve been giving this a lot of thought. Doing some research, looking into what materials I’d need...and I can DO this, I SWEAR I can.” Xander’s face was fading to a fast pale, but Willow didn’t waver. “But I can’t do it alone, Xander. I need your help.”
Xander stopped walking, and stared into his friend’s eyes. She was filled with the resolve that she’d developed so well in the last few years. He found it, as always, hard to say no to.
“This is pretty big news, Will.” He said, his voice trembling more than slightly, “You’re talking about...you’re talking about what I think you’re talking about, right?”
Willow nodded gravely. “We can do this, Xander, together we CAN do this.” She smiled then, letting a twinkle back in her eye that Xander hadn’t seen for a long time. “...We can bring her back to us.”
Xander was trying to absorb all that Willow had just told him when a crash of glass breaking startled him. He and Willow both turned their heads, but couldn’t see the source of the sound. More crashings followed, and now they could tell they were originating from just around the corner from the next block...just where they were headed, naturally.
Before Xander could bolt, Willow grabbed his arm to slow him down, then told him in all seriousness, “Don’t tell anyone about this, okay? Not yet.”
He thought, then nodded his quick consent, and then they both ran towards the source of the increasing sounds of conflict ahead. They were nearing the corner when everything went suddenly silent. They paused in mid-stride before turning. Somehow, they both seemed to get the same idea that when things suddenly go quiet that meant that things were about to get much, much...
“WWHOOOAAAOOWWW!!”
...At which point Buffybot came soaring into view, arms and legs flailing helplessly as she flew through the air before slamming hard into the street before Willow and Xander. She rolled and bounced along for several feet until finally skidding to a halt. Willow and Xander rushed over to her as fast as they could, though she had already managed to at least sit up by then. Her eyes were wide with considerable surprise.
“Buffybot!” Willow shouted, silently reprimanding herself for calling her that a second later...they were supposed to call her ‘Buffy’ in public. “Are you okay? What’s happening?”
Buffybot shook her head and blinked a few times, then looked at Willow. “You don’t think I smell funny, do you?”
Immediately , Willow started examining Buffybot for any open wounds or exposed circuitry. “She must be glitching,” she said to Xander, who was only listening halfheartedly, “Probably landed the wrong way.”
“Oh yeah? Well I think I found out who sent her on her trip.”
Willow looked down the street where Xander was facing, and quickly spotted the same green, grinning demon Xander had. He was staring down towards them and Buffybot, amidst a scene of no small carnage beside several shops and parked cars. How long had Buffybot been brawling with this character, Willow wondered? And where was...
Her heart suddenly skipped a terrified beat, and Willow started scanning about worriedly for Tara. Before long, she spotted her further down the street, just outside the Espresso Pump. Tara saw Willow at the same time, and started running towards her on the opposite sidewalk from the demon, who seemed to be taking a moment to catch his breath. As soon as Tara came into his view, however, the savage grin returned to his face, and he started loping after her.
“Tara, RUN!” Xander shouted, even as he started sprinting towards the demon at full steam. Tara instinctively looked behind, and let out a tiny yelp when she saw how close her pursuer had managed to get.
“Get AWAY from her!”
Willow glared at the demon, shutting her eyes for a second and spreading her arms out by her sides. When she reopened them, they were black. For a moment the air about her seemed to sparkle, and Buffybot, who had come to a stand right behind her, could feel her artificial hairs standing on end. Then a wave of invisible force shot forth from the young witch, rippling past Xander and Tara and slamming into the demon, knocking him backwards. Tara sped up, running right up to Willow and embracing her tight when she arrived.
“Thank God you’re here!” Tara said, hugging Willow close.
“S’okay, baby. I was so worried!”
“No really,” Buffybot interrupted, “DO I smell funny? You can tell me, really!”
Willow and Tara both gave Buffybot a curious look, Willow’s swiftly turning to concern. “You smell fine, already! Now go! Help Xander!”
Willow pointed back down the street to where Xander was tackling the demon in question, still off-balance from Willow’s assault. It was evident very quickly, though, that the demon was a good deal stronger than Xander. Buffybot’s life-preservation protocols began overriding her curiosity drives again, and she bolted back into the fray.
*************
The demon hurled Xander back off of him with a grunt, then spat on the ground.
“You humans are a tragic lot,” He said, disgust in his voice, “...the way you breed and pray. You wallow in this fleshly rot in putrid lives of gray. I loathe you, swear I from this spot, far more than words can say, so pray indulge me, will you not, and all just GO AWAY!”
Before he could finish getting back to a full stand, Xander found himself being tossed backwards, away from the demon, by something he couldn’t see. Out of the corner of his eye, he could notice Tara, Willow, and several other people in the surrounding vicinity being similarly tossed away.
From his newly spacious vantage point, the demon started to gather his wits about him once again, smiling at his success. Until, that is, he noticed Buffybot standing next to him.
“Did you forget to check your watch?” She asked him. He stared at her incredulously.
“Because it’s clobbering time.”
A half second later, Buffybot walloped the demon with a roundhouse shot in the chops, then sent him flying with a well-oiled high kick. The demon landed with a painful crash, prompting a grin of mimicked pride in Buffybot.
“And I do NOT smell funny!” She added, watching her opponent writhe about on the street before her, “Willow said so!”
Crawling to a partial stand, the demon shook the spots out of his vision, glancing about to see some of the humans re-entering the space he’d only just gotten cleared of them, and the...thing that was trashing him walking towards him. He sighed, sounding rather exhausted.
“All right, already, I can see when I’ve been dealt a blow. I concede, you’ve bested me, but one act is not the show. You’ve kept me from my rightful prize, my less-than-human Miss. But that which walks is that which dies. Remember that. Kiss kiss!”
Before Buffybot could take another step, the demon seemed to ripple somehow, and then simply vanished before her optic receptors. She blinked a few times, then turned to where Xander, Willow and Tara were clambering back to their feet.
“Hey...EVERYTHING he said rhymed! Do you think that’s unusual?”
***************
“Good Heavens,” Giles sputtered later at the Magic Box, after being filled in on the afternoon’s events, “Is everyone all right?”
“Few scrapes and bruises.” Willow shrugged, massaging Tara’s shoulders. “He tossed us around pretty good with some spell. But least he didn’t get Tara’s soul or anything. Spooky.”
Tara smiled and patted Willow’s hand, and Giles seemed fairly relieved. “Well, thank goodness for that. And you say this creature spoke in some sort of...verse?”
“Well, those coffee joints always do attract an artsy crowd.” Xander opined from his chair, Anya standing beside him.
Tara nodded. “Yeah, he asked me about some stone he was trying to find...and when he did? It was like he put an image of it inside my mind, I could SEE it. It was pretty freaky.”
Giles‘ ears perked up. “Really? A stone? Could you describe it?”
She shrugged. “Sure. But it looked more like a crystal to me than a stone, sorta pretty actually.”
“Maybe he needs it for some spell or something? Willow offered, but Tara seemed skeptical.
“He said someone stole it from him. Humans, specifically.”
Intrigued, Giles walked purposefully towards one of the bookshelves and started yanking volumes. “Well, there are several species of rhyming or riddling demons,” He said, handing thick books to Xander and Anya, “We should have enough to go on to identify the one that attacked you without too much trouble.”
“Hope so,” Tara said, “I’m just glad Buffybot was there when it showed up, otherwise I’d have about as much soul right now as Michael Bolton.”
Willow put her arms around Tara’s neck, giving her a little hug. “Buffybot? Yes, of course, I’d almost forgotten,” Giles admitted, a twinge of guilt creeping out. “I trust she, uhh, weathered the battle in working order?”
“Weathered?” Xander leaned forward and rested his elbows on the table. “I’ll say. Little RoboBuff was kicking greeny’s butt until he pulled his vanishing act. Those Sunnydale mad scientists sure can build ’em.”
Willow smiled faintly. “We left her at home with Dawn. Figured the two of them might as well sit out the research session. ‘Sides, they could use a little bonding time.”
************
“I wonder what’s the goal you seek, in tasking me with battle.
And your stench, it has a different reek from other human cattle.
You’re something new, a mystery, and though that is intriguing,
For now I bid you fly from me, I find your fists fatiguing.”
Dawn seemed impressed, as she sat on the couch listening to Buffybot replay the words spoken to her earlier in her fight with the demon. “Wow,” She said, leaning forward a little more, “I didn’t know you could do voices like that. Very cool!”
“Thank you!” Buffybot replied proudly, “I have MANY skills!”
“So what happened then?” Dawn asked, very much enjoying the story so far, “Did you bust him up some more?”
Buffybot shook her head. “No, then I flew away from him. Just like he told me to, actually. I think he was a magic demon.” Buffybot paused, quickly running that hypothesis through her logic battery before continuing, “Yes, that makes sense. Definitely magic.”
“I can’t believe he said you had a ‘stench’.” Dawn said with a grimace, “ That is , like, completely rude, even for a demon.”
“I thought so too!” Buffybot quickly agreed, before reluctantly asking the question she had been plagued with for hours now. “I...I don’t REALLY smell funny, do I? Because you could tell me if I did!”
Dawn straightened up as she waved off Buffybot’s worries. “Absolutely not! I love the way you smell. Kinda like ‘new car’ smell, but less leathery. Plus, you’ve got a killer perfume on today. Who picked it out?”
Perfect teeth flashed in a smile. “I did! All by myself!”
Buffybot’s enthusiasm made Dawn giggle. Sometimes she was hard to have around...mostly because seeing her was like seeing Buffy again. But other times? Dawn was starting to think of Buffybot as almost like a little sister all her own. Although she didn’t tell the others that.
“So what happened then?”
“Let me guess...”
Buffybot and Dawn turned towards the voice in the hallway, where Spike was standing just inside the door. Dawn hadn’t realized the sun had already gone down. He leaned against the door jamb, grinning smugly.
“...You and the Scoobies waded in with fists blaring and trumpets swinging. Threw a few punches, tossed some magic around, maybe made a few poorly-timed quips...”
Shoving off from the door, Spike made his way into the living room, pausing briefly beside Buffybot, giving her a sideways glance.
“...And eventually, the lot of you bollixed it up and let the bad guy get away. Sound about right?”
He continued on past the Buffybot, ignoring the oddly hurt stare she was casting his way, instead patting Dawn on the head and plopping himself down beside her on the couch.
“I’ll get him next time!” Buffybot protested, “You just watch!”
Without looking up at her, Spike replied in a decidedly cold tone. “Bloody well better. Won’t do at all, lettin’ the nasties and what-nots slippin’ out of your cast iron fingers like that.” He glared momentarily up at her.
“Never know when they’ll come back to bite you.”
**************
“I sent Spike a little brain-to-brain message after we left the house,” Willow mentioned to Xander, halfway through volume VII of Xoryn’s guide to Lower Creatures, “Maybe get him to check in on Dawnie.”
Xander looked up at Willow from his research, grinning. “Getting pretty impressive with the telepathy, Will. And never a busy signal.”
“I was thinking,” she said, getting caught up, forgetting temporarily about the task at hand, “Maybe we could use it when we’re patrolling. Like, I could direct all you guys from a central point or something. Y’know, open the lines of communication more.”
Xander thought about that and slowly nodded. “Telepathic link...I like it.” He said, rubbing his chin, “Very JLA.”
“Sounds creepy if you ask me,” Anya added suddenly, keeping her eyes fixed on the text in front of her, “Poking around in other people’s minds can only lead to all kinds of social awkwardness.”
Well nobody asked you, Willow forced herself not to say.
“Oo!” Tara peeped suddenly, from her perch at the counter. She held up the book she was reading through. “I found him!”
Everyone started to get up from their seats, gathering round Tara and Giles at the counter. Giles took the book from Tara and started reading at the page she’d marked.
“Ah, yes, of course,” He started, squinting slightly at the ancient text, “A Queryl demon. It’s a soul-collector, a subspecies of Goblin, originating from one of the Faerie dimensions.”
A girlish smile played over Willow’s face. “Faerie? You mean, like, elves and sprites and unicorns and stuff?” Giles seemed noncommital.
“Sometimes.” He offered, then quickly adding, “Sometimes not.”
Anya concurred. “There’s lots of Faerie-like dimensions. They tend to blend with the demon worlds. You’ll get all the cute stuff and the little happy pixies, but then you’ll get goblins who boil children, flesh-eating giants, and lots and lots of bug-people stuck in your hair. And Elves? Just as soon chop you up and throw you on the woodpile as go fishing.”
Willow’s smile twisted into a rather revulsed scowl. Giles cleared his throat.
“If I may?” He said, continuing with his text, “It seems our gent the Queryl is indeed a rhyming demon...his powers, such as they are, rest in the spoken word. Whatever he says, basically...happens.”
“Wow.” Tara said, thinking about what Giles said for a moment. “I guess he really must have to watch what he says, huh?”
************
“Knock knock.”
Dawn waited and waited, but Buffybot just stood there blinking at her. With a frustrated sigh after about thirty seconds, she finally added, “Say ‘Who’s there?’”
Buffybot narrowed her eyes, feeling a little confused, but acquiescing nonetheless. “Who’s there?”
“Dwayne.” Dawn said, and now Buffybot looked extremely confused. Behind her eyes, her electronic pathways were suddenly flooding with traffic, checking and rechecking datafiles and memory caches, to see if she had any sort of virus. She looked plaintively at Dawn.
“I don’t understand. Aren’t you Dawn?”
Spike exhaled loudly. “Bloody Hell,” He said, turning towards Dawn,”Dwayne who?”
“Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning!” Dawn replied, laughing at herself as she did so. Spike gave her a polite grin, but Buffybot was still hopelessly in the dark.
“Okay, okay, I know I’m too old for knock-knock jokes, but still...”
“I still don’t understand,” Buffybot pleaded, “ARE you Dawn? And have you developed a lisp?”
Dawn smiled at Buffybot. “No...I mean, yes, I’m Dawn. It’s a joke, see? I’ll explain it to you...”
Spike suddenly rose from the couch. “And that conversation promises to be SO interesting, I’m going for a smoke. Try not to fry her circuits, little bit.”
Spike swaggered past Buffybot out of the living room, heading down the hall and exiting onto the back porch. He lit up as fast as he could manage, glad to be away from the robot for a few minutes. Looking at her...at IT, made him feel...well, that was bad enough, wasn’t it? Making him feel.
Spike took a long drag, and realized he’d lied in there, just now. He hoped Dawn DID fry the sodding machine’s mainframe, or whatever it was. Should have never built the damn thing...
He hadn’t gotten more than a few puffs into his cigarette when he heard the scream from inside the house. Dawn’s scream. His smoke hadn’t reached the ground before he was back into the house and halfway down the hall. When he tore around the corner, he spotted Dawn, standing behind Buffybot and both facing the couch.
On the couch was the Queryl, grinning devilishly.
“And that makes three, you’re all here now, allow me to review:
One demon man, a human cow, and one that’s something new.
The third of you crossed me today, and I’d dearly love to skin her.
But rules are rules, and thus we’ll play, and by them find the winner.”
*************
“So the Queryl’s powers are all verbally based,” Willow said, thinking out loud. “That’s good, we can work with that. Maybe me and Tara could come up with some sort of muting spell to work on him. “
Giles nodded approval. “I think that’s an excellent idea. But we’ll have to find him first.”
Slowly, Anya raised her hand. “What about this stone, or crystal or whatever it is he’s looking for? Maybe we should be trying to find that, instead. He’ll be looking for it, right?”
“I’m afraid we haven’t a great amount of information to go on in that respect,” Giles admitted with some frustration, “The texts mention nothing about any specific possessions of the demon’s, and all we know about it is that the Queryl claims it’s been stolen by humans. That hardly narrows the search down very much.”
“Not to muddy the already polluted waters,” Xander said, hesitant, “But should we be worrying about whoever it is stealing magic rocks from pretentious demons here? Call me crazy, but that does sound like the sort of thing that can end up doing the big kaboom in all our faces.”
Giles sighed. “One problem at a time. Let’s deal first with finding this demon and killing him, or sending him back where he came from at least.”
“So how DO we kill him?” Anya asked, and Giles made a quick recheck of his texts before answering.
“Physically, the creature is...unremarkable, for a demon at any rate.”
“So, your usual hack-and-slash job? I’ll get the carving knife!”
Giles smiled over Xander’s enthusiasm, but as usual, had a few more sobering thoughts to share. “One more thing, before we leap into any frays. This creature is governed by a fairly stringent set of rules, much more so than your average demon. That can work in our favour, but can also work against us. Above all, I can’t stress enough the importance of NOT being tricked into entering into any contest of words with the Queryl. So doing could unwittingly bind you, into a sort of mystical ‘contract’ of sorts. I believe this may be what he did with Tara.”
Tara got wide-eyed at that revelation, and Willow suddenly grew extremely nervous.
“I think she’s safe for now,” Giles quickly added, seeing the reactions of the two witches, “...but we should definitely keep her as far away from the creature as possible until he’s been dispatched. He may still consider her to be in his ‘debt’.”
“Maybe we should drop Tara off with Buffybot and Dawn, before saddling up.” Xander suggested, and Tara herself seemed somewhat relieved to hear it. “The rest of us can go hunting for the quizmaster from the Black Lagoon.”
Willow nodded a very anxious approval for this plan, and Giles moved towards the telephone.
“Gather some supplies, then,” He said as he started dialling, “I’ll phone Dawn, let her know we’re coming.”
**************
Buffybot tried to attack the grinning demon perched on the Summers’ sofa, but she seemed unable to move. Her motor relays were all functioning perfectly and power levels were all nominal. But when she tried to move...nothing happened. From the grunts she could hear coming from Spike, she intuited he was having the same problem.
The Queryl rose from the couch and strode back and forth in front of his imprisoned hosts, stalking like a cat.
“Your motions are by me restricted, as you have doubtless wondered.
All fisticuffs are interdicted, all paths to battle sundered.
We’ll see this through as per tradition, in all things great or little.
To claim the prize of my submission, you need only best my riddle.”
He stopped his pacing then, and came to a halt before the Buffybot. He smiled a hateful smile, and breathed hotly on her artificial skin. “Twas you who kept me from my prize, a soul I earned most fairly, and so it’s you who, in my eyes, must now engage me squarely. I’ll pose to you my riddle and, if you should guess it’s meaning, I’ll forfeit my prize sans demand and take my leave this evening.”
The Queryl narrowed his yellow eyes. “If you should lose, as I expect you’re all but sure to do,
The soul I’m owed I shall collect, but more I am now due. I smell a bonus I must own, a soul both old and new. So to the pot will this be thrown...” The Queryl paused, then turned his glare and pointed a clawed finger menacingly towards Dawn, who reacted with horror.
“...the essence that is YOU.”
Dawn let slip a high pitched peep of fear, and clung a little tighter to Buffybot’s arm. Spike redoubled his efforts to get at the Queryl, but simply couldn’t move at all.
“Like HELL!!” He shouted, frustration rising inside his frame, “Bloody poncey riddling bastard, I’ll give you a challenge! I’ll tear you arms off and challenge you to a thumb wrestle, how about that?”
The demon seemed about to reply, when the air was broken by the sudden ringing of the telephone. Dawn almost jumped out of her skin, and Buffybot could feel how scared she was by the pressure her little hands were applying to her forearm. She herself was feeling a little out of depth in this situation. All the neat rhymes aside, exactly what was going on? She got the idea she was supposed to play a game with this demon, or something along those lines. And he seemed to want both Tara’s, and now Dawn’s, souls.
Whatever a soul is, Buffybot thought, perplexed by the thought.
The telephone rang several times before finally stopping, unanswered, and the Queryl stepped back gracefully, as if he needed room. He smiled and bowed, like a showman, then straightened up and faced his opponent. Buffybot stared back at him, thinking how this would all be much, much easier if she could just punch him.
**************
Giles hung up the telephone. “That’s odd,” He said, a slight tremor of worry creeping into his voice, “There’s no answer.” Willow and Tara both looked at each other, suddenly concerned. Xander and Anya were still downstairs collecting weapons.
“Botty wouldn’t have left,” Tara said, “We specifically told her to keep Dawn home.” Tara was starting to feel afraid, and Willow quickly shut her eyes and concentrated.
“I’m trying Spike.” She said, and in a moment the tiny hairs on the back of her neck were standing on end as waves of telepathic energy started emanating from her body out across Sunnydale, and into the dead brain of a centuries-old vampire. The process took seconds, and Willow suddenly saw what Spike was seeing. Keeping her eyes closed, she screamed even as her heart skipped several beats.
“He’s there! The demon’s there!!”
***************
Dawn was shaking, clinging tight to Buffybot as the Queryl stared her down. From the other side of Buffybot, she could kind of hear Spike, mumbling something under his lack-of-breath, but she couldn’t make out what.
“Sodding Hell, Red,” Spike whispered softly through gritted teeth, acknowledging the sudden presence in his head, “Send in the damned cavalry, already...”
If the Queryl heard the Vampire’s words, he made no move to acknowledge them. Rather, he planted his feet firmly, rolled his shoulders, and opened his mouth, prepared to issue his challenge. Buffybot just stared.
“The question, do or die...
I have no spark yet I ignite,
My sharpened teeth possess no bite.
And if you fail to hold me tight,
You’ll be cast out into the night.
...I ask you, what am I?”
****************
“What?” Giles rushed over to Willow, eyes still shut in telepathic contact with Spike. “Good God...what’s happening? Is the demon..?”
“He’s asking a riddle...he’s challenging Buffybot! Oh my god...”
“Willow? What are they playing for? Can you see?”
Willow tensed a moment, gleaning the answer to Giles’ question from Spike’s mind. Her eyes shot open, and she looked terrified.
“We’ve gotta get over there,” She shouted, “NOW!!”
******************
There was a moment of silence after the Queryl’s riddle was spoken, and he grinned like a cat awaiting his answer from Buffybot.
Dawn was running the words over and over in her mind, but she didn’t fancy herself very good at brain teasers. All she kept coming up with was ‘fire’, but that was always her answer to these things, and it was always wrong.
Spike got it right away. But try as he might to shout out the answer, no sound would emerge. Seems the demon’s contest was only open to one participant. And as Spike looked over at her robotic visage, he could immediately see that they were in big, big trouble.
Buffybot looked placidly at the Queryl, wondering why he had just told her all those odd things. She logged that question away in one of her streaming data logarithms, returning her attention to the creature. He apparently wanted an answer to his question, and then he would free them all and not take anybody’s soul. Seemed easy enough.
Buffybot smiled. “You’re a demon.” She replied, and Dawn’s heart sank like a stone. The Queryl let loose a harsh chuckle, and the spell restraining Spike’s voice was suddenly dropped.
“Bloody Hell!” He shouted towards the Buffybot, who recoiled slightly at the harshness in Spike’s words, “Could the irony BE any more obvious? It’s a sodding Key, Brainiac!”
The Queryl laughed at Spike. “The Vampire’s right, there is no doubt, but the answer comes too late. I’ve won again, another rout, and hey...it feels great!” Walking closer, the Queryl knelt down in front of Buffybot, still held powerless to move, and stroked Dawn’s trembling head.
“I’ll take my due from this wee girl, and then I’ll find the witch. I’ll pluck her soul just like a pearl....my thanks,” He glanced up towards the struggling Buffybot. “...You’ve made me rich.”
“No!” Buffybot protested, stepping up her efforts to get at the Queryl, to no effect, “You ARE a demon! I answered right...you’re just cheating!” Buffybot squirmed helplessly. “I am SO gonna beat you up for that!”
“Please, wait!” Dawn pleaded, gaining the demon’s attention once again. He bared his rows of horrible teeth at her, and she fought back a wave of panic. “Please, she...she didn’t understand!”
Dawn looked up at Buffybot. “He didn’t mean it literally...it was a riddle. A joke!” She turned back to the Queryl. “She just didn’t get what you were doing...ask her another one! Really!”
Suddenly, Buffybot stopped struggling, as Dawn’s words sank into her cerebral matrices. She ran the Queryl’s words again through her conversational descramblers, charged with a new understanding this time. Within seconds, a look of delight crossed her face.
“A key...I get it!” Buffybot exclaimed, turning to aim her newfound smile at Spike. “A key has teeth, but it doesn’t bite people! That’s very funny!”
Spike’s face drooped. “Oh terrific,” He said with a total lack of optimism, “That oughtta do it. Great timing.”
Undaunted, Buffybot swivelled her head around to the Queryl, now raising one clawed hand over Dawn’s head. He grinned in triumph, and Dawn’s eyes shut tightly.
“I have a joke!” Buffybot exclaimed. The Queryl froze.
Slowly, he drew his hand back to his side, and he rose to face Buffybot, eyes wide in surprise, and some mistrust. Buffybot just smiled.
“You’d challenge me? My dear, that’s bold, and rather unexpected. But I am weary, truth be told, two souls have I collected, And now I’d like to take my leave and line my sacred coffers. What more is there to achieve?” He leaned his face in close to Buffybot. “What more have you to offer?”
Buffybot thought about that for a second, before quickly responding, “You could have MY soul!” She reasoned that, if she didn’t know what it was, she probably didn’t need it very much. Then she motioned to her left. “And Spike’s too!”
“Now, just you wait a bleedin’ minute...”
The Queryl cast a disparaging clawed hand in Spike’s direction. “A Vampire soul? A trifling trinket, no incentive there. And I’m ashamed that you would think it adequate as fare. And as for you, I don’t know what you...” Pausing, the demon leaned in closer to Buffybot, taking a long sniff from her neckline. Dawn cringed.
“...here, can this be wrong? He continued, edging back away from Buffybot and eyeing her warily. “There’s something there, a sliver, but...” He paused again, seeming lost in thought. Spike and Dawn tried their best to lean in closer, but Buffybot just kept on smiling, waiting patiently. Finally, the Queryl made his decision.
“...All right, my dear. You’re on.”
Buffybot beamed triumphantly, and was about to speak when Dawn cut her off. “Wait!” She shouted, glaring sternly at the Queryl. “If she wins...that means I keep my soul right? And Tara?” The demon nodded.
“And you’ll leave? Just...poof, or whatever? Gone?” He nodded again.
Spike seemed less than thrilled, though. “And if YOU win?”
The smile slowly played out across the Queryl’s awful face, and it almost sent a chill down Spike’s spine. “We’re right buggered,” He muttered. Buffybot turned to Dawn.
“Do I get to tell my joke now?” She asked, excited. Dawn wrapped her hands around Buffybot’s, and nodded affirmative.
Buffybot faced the Queryl and spoke. “Knock Knock!”
A look of abject horror froze on Dawn’s face. Spike nearly cried.
“Bloody buggery holy Hell!!” He shouted towards the ceiling, “Why don’t we just set ourselves on fire??”
Buffybot was unfazed, and she awaited the Queryl’s response. When it was slow in coming, however, Dawn and Spike slowly glanced over at the demon. They were rather surprised to see a look on his face, not unfamiliar to utter confusion. When he spoke, there was serious trepidation in his voice.
“...beg pardon?”
Buffybot leaned over a touch, lowering her voice. “Ask me who’s there!” She said, then returned upright. The demon seemed wary, but continued.
“Um...who’s there?”
“Dwayne!” Buffybot shot back. She was almost bouncing she was so excited. The Queryl obviously didn’t share her joy. Dawn was starting to understand.
“Now...if you don’t know who’s there, you say, ‘Dwayne who?’” Dawn offered cautiously, and the demon was now visibly shaken. He seemed on the verge of saying something else, and for nearly a minute he simply fidgeted in aggravated silence.
When his words finally squeaked out, they were barely audible.
“Dwayne...who?”
“Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning!” Buffybot shouted, clapping with unrestrained glee at her jest. Dawn let out a squeal of elation herself, giving Buffybot a very relieved hug. Spike was right knackered.
“I...I don’t get it!” The Queryl weakly protested, though a look of defeat was certainly settling upon his features. Buffybot giggled.
“I don’t really have a lisp,” she said, quite proud of herself right now, “I was pretending!”
“You did it...you really did it!” Dawn beamed at the Buffybot, tugging at her shirtsleeve. “You beat him!”
“Yeah...right!” Spike finally offered, glaring disdainfully at the Queryl, “Tough luck friend, guess knock-knock jokes aren’t interdimensional after all. Bugger off.”
The Queryl raised a hand in near-protest, before letting it hang down again unbidden. He sulked, and when he finally spoke, hi stones were much considerably grumpier than before.
“This ‘knock-knock’ spell is tricky brew...I’d think to have been cheated,
But my senses say you’ve riddled true, and left me sore defeated.
I’ll hold my word and take my bow, but I leave you with this picture...”
A shimmering doorway started to form behind the Queryl, making the air in the Summers’ living room electric. The demon glared at Buffybot, pointing a threatening finger straight at her.
“Your victory is just for now...and I’ll be back to getcha!”
As the Queryl stepped into the doorway and out of our world, Spike and Dawn both released breaths of relief that this was finally over, even as the Queryl’s restraining spell faded away, allowing them all to move again. They didn’t notice the look of worry suddenly appearing on Buffybot’s face, as she replayed Spike’s earlier words inside her mind;
“Won’t do at all, lettin’ the nasties and what-nots slippin’ out of your cast iron fingers like that.” He had said. “Never know when they’ll come back to bite you.”
“Oh no you don’t!” Buffybot shouted, suddenly slipping out of Dawn’s grip and leaping towards the rapidly vanishing Queryl. Before Dawn could even shout after her to stop, it was too late. Buffybot and the Queryl both plummeted into the doorway, which promptly vanished from view, leaving behind no trace it had ever been there at all. Dawn and Spike were alone.
And as understanding started to sink in, Dawn took a few uneasy steps forward, to the spot where the doorway had been just moments before. She reached her hand out slowly, swimming her fingers through the air, feeling nothing. When she finally spoke, she didn’t even realize she had started to cry.
“She’s gone...
...Buffybot’s gone.”
TO BE CONTINUED...
ADDENDUM
Alan Moore and Grant Morrison are two of the most respected comic book writers working in the field today. Moore is currently writing the America’s Best Comics line, and his comic “From Hell’ was recently turned into a major motion picture. Morrison is the current writer of the New X-Men for Marvel Comics. Both are highly recommended by me.
The Backstreet Boys are a popular boy-band, with such songs as...well, if you know them, you know them, am I right? Giles would doubtless be a welcome addition to the roster.
JLA is short for Justice League of America, DC Comics’ premier super-hero team (is it sinking in yet that I’m a comic book geek?). They stay in contact on missions via a telepathic linkup instituted by J’onn J’onnz, the Martian Manhunter. Incidentally, Grant Morrison was the writer who introduced that concept to the comic. :)
Special thanks to azkidsnet.com and riddlenut.com for joke research.
Otherthingswise, I'm digging the new Doc Who. He has a kind of old-school Troughton vibe to him that really works. Next ep looks faboo!