(no subject)

[the_wondering_1]

Title: I Have Lost My Way 1/?
Author: the_wondering_1  / Maria 
Pairing: Billie/Adie
Rating: NC-17
Disclaimer: None of this happened and own nothing but the words (sadly

Billie was curled up against Adrienne in bed. He had his one hand on her stomach and the other twirled one of her dreads in between his fingers.

He pressed down a little harder into her stomach, trying to feel something. Billie knew that she would have told him he was crazy or something, but he didn’t care. She was starting to show ever so slightly, and Billie was sure that he could feel something.

When he felt Adrienne move he moved his hand away and glanced over at her.

She opened her eyes, looking sleepy.

“Sorry,” Billie said automatically.

She grumbled, making some noise. “Mhhh. Fine.”

Billie smiled and pushed himself up so that he could lean over and kiss her temple.

After awhile, Adrienne began to push herself up out of bed. “Don’t you have a production meeting or something?” she asked.

Billie shrugged and only moved to put his arms around her.

“In awhile.”

She rolled her eyes. “Billie, you can’t be late with these guys it’s not like working with-,”

Billie cut her off by leaning down to kiss her. She didn’t push him away, but let him push his tongue into her mouth.

Billie pulled away first and smiled at her and Adrienne only rolled her eyes.

“I’m serious Billie; you have to make sure you get everything done, okay?”

He nodded, only leaning in to kiss and bite at her neck. She laughed, but pushed him away.

“I’m being serous, Billie Joe,” she started.

Billie smiled at her, cutting her off before she could go on. “I know, I know, my meeting isn’t for another hour. I have time. I wanted to see you before I left.”

She smiled when she heard him, finally dropping the subject. “I love you too, Billie.”

Billie met Tre and Mike for the meeting around one. It was boring, and to be quite honest he hadn’t paid any attention to it. He’d really just been writing bits of lyrics on the legal pad in front of him the entire time, and thinking.

After the meeting Mike said something about going back to the studio, just the three of them, to work on some songs. Billie didn’t object, and neither did Tre.

Once there, Billie wasn’t able to concentrate very well. He was still trying to think, and he still had the legal pad in front of him. He’d been playing with the lyrics and had gotten lost in thought for awhile.

“Beej?” he heard. The voice it was coming from sounded distant, and Billie shrugged it off at first, until he heard it again.

“Huh? Wha?” Billie asked, still not paying full attention.

“I said, do you want to start or do you just want to forget about it?”

Billie glanced up, giving his attention to something other than his lyrics for the first time in awhile. “Forget about what?” he asked, dumbly.

“Y’know….practicing. When we left the meeting you said you wanted to come here and practice when I asked, remember?”

“Oh, right, right,” Billie mumbled, still not fully remembering. He’d been lost in thought since the meeting had started.

Mike rolled his eyes and put his bass down, going over to sit next to where Billie was on the floor. Tre glanced over sideways at them from behind the drums.

“What are you thinking about?” he asked.

Billie’s eyes darted around the room. “N-nothing,” he stuttered.

Mike rolled his eyes. “I know you better than that, Billie. And so does Tre.”

Tre got up off of his seat and went over to join them; sitting down on Billie’s other side.
“What’s up?”

Billie shrugged, starring down at the legal pad and the lyrics he’d been scribbling.

“I, uh, this morning. Before I left, when I was talking with Adie….I dunno. I was going to ask her to come on tour with us. I’ve just been thinking about it, that’s all.”

“Why didn’t you ask her?” Tre asked, leaning in to the group.

Billie shrugged, starring back at the floor. “I don’t know what she’d think. I mean, if she wasn’t pregnant then maybe it wouldn’t be that bad to ask her. But we’re going to get back before she’d give birth anyway, so….”

Billie’s voice trailed off.

“Just ask her, Beej. No use in worrying about it. I don’t see why she wouldn’t want to come with you.”
He shrugged. “I guess. I just don’t know how this shit is supposed to work.”

Mike made a confused face, so Billie explained.

“Just, y’know, being married and everything. I mean, it’s so fucking weird sometimes, Mike. But, I mean, I love her and everything, don’t get me wrong….I just don’t know how any of this is supposed to fucking work.”
Mike’s lips twitched to form a smile as he listened to Billie talk.

“I’m sure she would want to go with you, Beej. Why wouldn’t she?”

He shrugged, eyes glancing back down at the legal pad he’d taken from the meeting.

“I dunno. I just…I don’t know how it’s supposed to work and everything. It’s just weird. I mean…I don’t….Things are just new still. It’s weird.”

Tre nodded, glancing over at Mike as if waiting for him to say something.

Billie bit down on his lip and started again. “I just…I still don’t really know her that well. I mean, it was always long distance. It’s…it’s a lot different with her here all the time. Like, being with her and shit. I love her, guys, it’s just so fucking weird. I mean…I don’t know. I knew her when I didn’t live with her…and now, I don’t know. It’s like I have to re-learn all of this shit. I just…I don’t know what she expects and, I don’t know. It’s just so fucking weird.”

Mike nodded again.

Tre spoke up for the first time. “Why don’t you just ask her, Billie? You’re being silly about all of this.”

Billie felt his head fall forwards. He knew he was. He knew he was panicking and feeling anxious about something that was silly. But he couldn’t help it. He couldn’t fucking help it. He…he really loved her. He really fucking did. He knew she knew that…but still. He…he couldn’t help it. He was happy now. Really, really happy and he hadn’t been this happy in a long time.

He’d been happy when Adrienne agreed to move out to California for the summer to see how things went. Really happy. He didn’t know how it was going to go, so he tried not to let himself think about it. He didn't want to get his hopes up. He always did that, and when things ended badly he would crash. Hard.

But it had gone well. So, so, so much better than Billie had expected it would. He never thought she’d say yes when he brought it up. He wasn’t even really sure he’d meant it at the time he said it, “we could just get married…y’know?” He loved her, though. He really fucking did, and he knew that. Adrienne was different.

Even if he was nervous before they got married he shrugged it off. She was nervous, too. He could remember pouring her a beer to drink before everything got started.

And then there was the next day. That night they fucked slow, hard, and everything in between. It had been more than amazing. The next day Adrienne had gotten up before him. When he woke up and didn’t feel her next to him or see her in their hotel room he panicked for a second, before hearing a sound from the bathroom. It was then Billie noticed that the light was on and the door was hanging wide open. Getting out of bed he pulled on his boxers, which had been carelessly tossed on the floor the night before, and walked over to the door. He could see Adrienne leaning against the wall opposite the toilet, not looking well. She told him she’d been up for awhile, and he helped her back to the bed. Billie had honestly thought she’d just been hung-over until, with her head resting on his shoulder, she said “I’m a week late.”

On their way back to the apartment Billie stopped to pick up a pregnancy test. His hand shook a little the rest of the way home, but while he was driving he tried to make it so that Adrienne wouldn’t notice. They hadn’t talked much after leaving, and Billie couldn’t shake all the thoughts running through his mind.

When they got home, Adrienne went to piss on the stick and then…well, then, they waited.

He sat on the sofa next to her, his hand making jerky movements that he gave up trying to settle down. He was nervous, anxious…everything. She knew him well enough to know how he felt, even if he wasn’t showing it. While they sat he wanted to talk, but he didn’t know how. It was like his mouth didn’t work anymore. He was too fucking anxious. Too everything. He couldn’t think straight and maybe Adrienne understood. He didn’t know. All he really did know was that when the kitchen timer went off, signaling that the pregnancy test sitting on the bathroom counter was ready, neither of them wanted to get up and look at it.

They bantered back and forth, not really arguing per say. Finally, Billie took a breath and said, “I’ll go look.” Billie looked and it was positive.

He had more or less already convinced himself that it was positive before even looking at it. The amount of sex they’d been having since she got there…and the fact that he hadn’t bothered buying any condoms, combined with Adrienne’s sickness and her being late…well. Billie hadn’t been able to deny any of it in his head. He had a feeling they both knew the truth, without looking at the pink strip on the test, but seeing it confirmed it in a new, more official, way.

After he told her she looked and they talked. Billie felt better, but worse at the same time…if that made any sense he didn’t know, but Adie seemed to understand.

And not soon after that he’d started getting offers. Real offers. Offers from men in suits whom he, and the rest of Green Day usually shied away from. The offers were good. Really good. But turning the words “major label” over and over again in his mind confused him. He didn’t know what to do. But every time he saw Adrienne, every time he came home or left the house…he thought of her and how she was pregnant. How they were going to have a kid. And he thought about how he grew up, without much of anything. And then his mind would flip back to the offer. The major label offer. And he would think of the money, and then think of Adrienne again and his child.

And usually that was enough for Billie’s mind to go “yes, you need to do this. It’s okay to do this.”
After talking with Mike and Tre, having the same conversations over and over again they made the real decision together.

Even then Billie would have his doubts, though. He’d see a friend from Gilman and they’d ask him when Green Day was going to play there again or something…and bits of his heart would rip. He was scared to loose everyone. He knew they’d be gone once they heard. At first it hadn’t bothered him, but when he thought about it more deeply he realized how much it scared the shit out of him. There was a part of him that didn’t want to loose his fan base…or, well…his friends.

Every time he ended up having doubts, he would end up going over to Mike’s for the night and they would usually get drunk and stoned together. It helped. Mike kept telling him it would be fine. But Billie was never sure he believed it.

He’d never really told anyone, but he really did it for Adrienne and their child.

Once they signed, to Billie at least, it felt like two weeks later Dookie came out. When it came out Billie felt like that was the end of life as he’d known it.

Things exploded, erupted. His life became so crazy he didn’t know which way was up or which was down. Adrienne kept him grounded through most of it, but it was a lot more than Billie had thought he was getting himself into.

They were supposed to be going to tour in Europe in two weeks, now. They kept having meetings about the tour and the album. Most of them Billie didn’t pay much attention to, anymore at least.

He was trying to settle back down with Adrienne. Words did not describe how much he missed her. Things had gotten so crazy that there were days, even weeks that Billie would go without seeing her. And he didn’t like it one damn bit.

He didn’t want their relationship going back to the way it used to be. Phone calls, letters. He wasn’t going to let that happen to them, but somehow it had. They were fucking married for crying out loud, and Billie wanted to live like they were.

He’d been so busy with promoting the album, dealing with the backlash from Gilman, and trying to hangout with Mike and Tre to keep things together between them that Adrienne had fallen by the wayside.

He promised himself he wouldn’t let that happen again. He knew she understood. Really, to Billie at least, she was too understanding. He wasn’t really sure if a person could be too understanding, but he felt like she was. She understood how things had blown up and gotten crazy. How his world had flipped him upside down practically overnight and how he didn’t know how to deal with it. She always told him it was okay when he couldn’t make it home, going on about how she would be fine.

But even so, Billie worried. Worried that she would tell him she was fine when she wasn’t. But mostly worried that he would screw this up. His family. His life. His kid. Adrienne.

Billie felt like he’d never been good at much in his life. He knew he played guitar well, that the band had “made it” if you wanted to call it that…but Billie felt like he’d never been much good at what was important. Things like school, and being good to his own family. Maybe it wasn't always his fault, because things had always been fucked up at home since dad had died…but still.

He only had one family. One Adrienne. One kid. He needed things to work right the first time, not the second time or the third time. Billie loved Adrienne and he didn’t want to see their family fall apart…or, well, anything.

All Billie really wanted to do was just be married for awhile. The way things had happened he felt like he hadn’t gotten a chance to get used to being married to her. Living with her…just being with her, having her around. Things had happened to fast, and usually Billie was someone who thought fast, who did things fast without thinking of the consequences. But…well. It may have been a bit clichéd, but he was wasn’t as young as he used to be. He had responsibilities. He had a wife, and in seven more months he was going to have a kid. Billie knew he was immature as fuck all, but he had to be responsible.

Still. This landed him back where things had started. Where his mind had started. Asking Adie to come with him on tour. He didn’t know if he should or not. He wanted to. Oh god, did he ever want to. He wanted to so badly. The thought of having to be on tour so far away from her…He didn’t want to be away from her. He wanted to be with her. And with how things had blown up over the past month, Billie really did feel like he was never home and actually with her. He missed her and he knew the tour would only make it worse. He didn’t want to go without her. He knew he’d have to if she didn’t come…but he didn’t like to think about it. He wanted her go with him but he didn’t know how to bring it up, and there was a part of him that was still scared she’d say no. He knew that sounded silly, like Tre had told him, but really it was fucking retarded for him to be scared. She was his wife for crying out loud. She’s already married to you, Billie, he told himself, what’s a tour to Europe?

“Beej?” Mike said, bumping him in the arm, “do you just want to forget it?”

Billie glanced up, looking alarmed. “Forget what?”

Mike sighed and Tre cut in before Mike could continue. “Y’know, practice. The whole reason we’re here.”
Billie glanced from face to face before glancing back down at his legal pad.

“You’ve been scribbling in that thing all day,” Mike added, when he saw him starring.

“S-Sorry guys….I’ve just had a lot on my mind,” Billie got out.

Mike smiled at him, trying to be supportive of his best friend.

“Well, I don’t know about you two but I’m hungry,” Tre declared, already getting up.

“Where are you going?” Mike said, turning form Billie as he watched Tre near the door.

“Food, duh. I just said I was hungry.”

Mike rolled his eyes. “Get me something while you’re out?” he asked. He hadn’t thougth of it, but now that Tre was bringing it up, he was hungry.

Tre nodded, “Billie? You want anything?”

Billie glanced up, this time actually knowing what was going on. “No-er, wait. Yeah. Grab me something.”

Tre nodded, mumbling out a goodbye to the remaining band mates before leaving.

Billie starred back down at the legal pad when he heard Tre shut the door. He must have spaced out at some point while talking to them. He hadn’t realized. It always happened when he was thinking about too much shit.
He felt Mike nudge him again.

“What’s on your mind Beej?”

He shrugged, squirming as he scribbled out another line of lyrics onto the legal pad. So far what he’d written didn’t make much sense when he looked at it.

“Come on, Billie. I know how you are when you have something on your mind.”

Billie shrugged, “Adie, I guess. Things. The tour.”

Mike nodded. “I still think you should ask her, Billie. It really isn’t that big of a deal.”

Billie shrugged. “I know, and I know Tre was right. I’m being silly.”

Mike smiled and slung an arm around his shoulder. “You think too much, that’s all,” he said.
Billie smiled up over at him.

“Just ask her. I don’t know why she wouldn’t say yes to you. I know you miss her a lot, Beej, and I’d venture to say that she misses you, too.”

Billie nodded. He knew in his head that Mike was right, but still. For some reason he couldn’t shake the feelings he had.

“Promise me you’ll ask her?” he heard Mike ask.

Billie glanced up, feeling a bit alarmed. “I…I don’t know, Mike. You know how I suck at that promise shit. I…I’m never good at shit like that.”

Mike rolled his eyes. “Just do it, okay? Just ask her. Because I know if you don’t ask her you’re going to be moping around the entire fucking tour and I for one am not going to put up with it.”

Billie felt himself go red. “Promise, okay?” he heard Mike.

“Okay. I’ll try…I just…”

He knew Mike could tell now what he was afraid of. He just knew. He knew Mike could tell. They’d been friends long enough that he knew Mike could tell.

“She’ll say yes, Beej. I didn’t mean to embarrass you, y’know,” Mike added when he noticed how red Billie’s cheeks had become.

Billie nodded, swallowing. “Okay. I promise to…to mention it to her. How’s that?”’

Mike sighed. Billie always found loopholes in promises because he went on about how he hated them whenever anyone asked him to promise anything. He had a sneaking suspicion that it had something to do with his dad dying, but he wasn’t sure. Billie had never said and Mike didn’t feel comfortable asking.

“C’mon let’s try to start on something before Tre comes back with food, okay?”

Billie began to nod, and the he noticed Mike’s eyes hit the legal pad still lying in his lap.

“Did you write anything?” he asked, then felt stupid after because he realized how stupid it sounded. Obviously, Billie had written something - there were scribbles of words all over the page.

“Not really. It’s just a lot of junk.”

Mike nodded, and got up and picked up his bass. Billie smiled at Mike and went over to pick up his guitar.

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Thanks for reading, guys! I hope you enjoyed it and that it lived up to your expectations. I'm having a blast writing this, I just wish I had more time to.

comments make my day (: