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In honor of The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe coming out on DVD today, here's a little something I've been working on since New Year's Eve, when Jen and I saw it together. It was my second time seeing it, and I appreciated it a whole lot more than I had the first time.
The style is very much cleolinda's, but the jokes are all my own.
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
A parody
The Bomb Shelter of Exposition and Character Establishment
Fighter planes begin dropping bombs on London, thereby ensuring that the audience realizes this is World War II - or else some country is just really, really pissed off.
MRS. TWO-SCENE PEVENSIE: To the bomb shelter!
EDMUND: But what about Dad’s photograph?!
MRS. TWO-SCENE PEVENSIE: Sweetheart, I think our lives are slightly more important.
EDMUND: NO! I MUST SAVE DAD’S PHOTOGRAPH!
PETER: NO! EDMUND!
MRS. TWO-SCENE PEVENSIE: NO! PETER!
SUSAN: Whatever, Lucy and I have been here in the bomb shelter for hours now.
EDMUND runs back into the about-to-be-bombed house, saves his dad’s photograph, nearly gets blown to pieces by a bomb that lands about a foot away from him, and is dragged back to the bomb shelter by a really ticked-off PETER.
PETER: WHY CAN’T YOU JUST DO AS YOU’RE TOLD?!
What we have established here is that EDMUND is crazy, PETER is trying to be the father figure (which is…kind of weird), SUSAN is a pussy, LUCY is cute, and MRS. PEVENSIE is only in two scenes. Also, people like to shout PETER’s name.
The Train Station of Woe
MRS. TWO-SCENE PEVENSIE: So I’m sending you all off to the countryside to live with Jim Broadbent.
PETER: And he’s related to us how…?
MRS. TWO-SCENE PEVENSIE: Shut up and get on the train.
The kids all cry and obey. During the frantic scramble to wave to their dear mother from the train window, SUSAN’s face is nearly squished. This establishes sibling rivalry.
The Countryside of Tumbleweeds
The kids wait at the train station for several hours. A tumbleweed rolls by. Then a bespectacled lady in a horse-driven carriage rides up.
PETER: Jim Broadbent?
The Professor’s House of Don’t Touch Don’t Touch No No No
MRS. MACREEDY: Don’t touch the windows, don’t touch the statues, don’t touch the carpets, don’t touch the chairs, don’t touch the ceiling, don’t blink, don’t breathe, I SAID DON’T TOUCH THE STATUES.
SUSAN has a heart attack and falls over.
The Sitting Room of Oh My God I Am So Bored
SUSAN and PETER are studying Latin because…well, what else is there to do in the countryside? Oh, and it’s raining outside so they can’t go and explore the grounds. EDMUND gives the appearance of attempting to fix the bottom of a chair, but he is probably just curled under there because he is crazy. LUCY makes a valiant attempt to save her sanity.
LUCY: Let’s play hide-and-seek!
PETER: Aw, but Susan and I were just getting to the “Pie Jesu”.
LUCY: Hide-and-seek. NOW.
PETER: Okay, FINE. One, two, three, four, five…
A really old and slightly befuddling ‘50s song begins to play (something about joyfully loving your lover - it’s not entirely clear what this has to do with playing hide-and-seek), and the children all run around to find expert hiding places. Like in a box and behind a curtain. Only LUCY manages to make a real attempt, and she stumbles upon a room that is completely empty except for this huge white THING in the middle of it.
LUCY: Huh.
A fly drops dead. Mothballs clatter.
LUCY: Gulp.
She pulls off the white sheet to reveal a very posh, very nice-looking wardrobe. Mustering all her courage, LUCY steps tentatively into the wardrobe to find…coats.
LUCY: OH GOD.
She makes her way through the wardrobe, brushing against more and more coats, until she comes into contact with something that is not a coat and is, in fact, a tree branch. She turns around and finds herself in the middle of a snowy wood with a lamppost several feet ahead of her.
LUCY: So…that made sense.
The Woods of Narnia
LUCY walks towards the lamppost because clearly this is a better idea than running the hell back through the wardrobe. She examines it from every angle, pokes it, and has nearly satisfied her curiosity when she hears a rustle in the trees behind her. The dramatic music plays, we catch slight glimpses of the predator, and then this, like, goatman comes out.
LUCY: AAAAAAAARRRGHHHH!
GOATMAN: AAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHH!
LUCY: WHO ARE YOU?!
GOATMAN (stammering in fear): M-my name is M-Mr. Tumnus a-and I’m a f-faun…
LUCY: Oh, that’s okay, then. My name’s Lucy and I’m a human.
MR. TUMNUS: A HUMAN?!
LUCY: Yeah. Is there something wrong with that?
MR. TUMNUS (not obvious at all): No, no, not at all. Want to come home with me?
LUCY: I’m not allowed to go home with strange goatmen.
GOATMAN: But there’ll be cake.
LUCY: WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
Mr. Tumnus’ Rundown Little Hut of Backstory and Totally Not Kidnapping
LUCY: So, basically, this is a magical world called Narnia and it’s always winter here?
MR. TUMNUS: Pretty much, yeah.
LUCY: THAT IS SO COOL. Do you have Christmas, like, every day?
MR. TUMNUS: No.
LUCY: Why not?!
MR. TUMNUS: Because The White Witch forbids it.
LUCY: The White Witch? Who is she?
MR. TUMNUS: Well, if you’d stop asking questions every SECOND, I’d tell you. She is this totally hardcore bitch, and she’s so badass that she makes it always winter and never Christmas. Oh, and she told me that if I ever found a human, I was to kidnap them and hand them over to her immediately.
LUCY: What?
MR. TUMNUS: Nothing. Hey, want me to play you some music?
LUCY: Sure!
MR. TUMNUS plays this Celtic lullaby on his I Can’t Believe It’s Not A Flute, instantly putting LUCY to sleep as the fire in the fireplace starts dancing around and doing cartwheels and doing the Electric Slide and then it becomes a lion’s face and roars its head off maniacally.
MR. TUMNUS: Damn. What’s in this flute?
The Woods of Narnia
LUCY: So, basically, you kidnapped me to hand me over to the White Witch and then you had a change of heart and now you’re taking me back to the wardrobe?
MR. TUMNUS: Dude, when did we establish any of this?
LUCY: Here’s my hanky.
MR. TUMNUS: You took your hanky into the wardrobe?
LUCY: Well, you know, I thought, just in the offchance that I met a criminal mastermind faun…
MR. TUMNUS: Aw, thanks, that’s sweet. GODSPEED LUCY PEVENSIE.
LUCY: WHEEEEE!
The Wardrobe
LUCY: IT’S OKAY! I’M BACK! I DIDN’T GET KIDNAPPED BY A GOATMAN!
THE OTHERS: …
SUSAN: I’m going to let you get away with that because you’re cute.
LUCY: NO THERE’S THIS, LIKE, FOREST IN THE BACK OF THE WARDROBE.
SUSAN: Okay, that just crossed the line.
EDMUND: Aw, hey, Lucy can’t help it if she’s dumb.
PETER bitchslaps him. Theoretically speaking. SUSAN throws a catty comment over her shoulder as she leaves the room because she is a pussy.
LUCY: Well, you believe me, don’t you, Peter?
PETER: Sweetheart, there are some things that cute just doesn’t cover.
The Bedroom of…Sleep
LUCY wakes up and decides to go explore the wardrobe again. Just as she walks up the stairs, EDMUND comes out of the bathroom (where he sleeps, because he is crazy) and decides to follow LUCY.
The Wardrobe
LUCY walks into the wardrobe and disappears from sight just as EDMUND enters the room and follows her in.
EDMUND: Lucy, get out of the wardrobe! It’s okay that you’re dumb! Oh, hey, there’s, like, a tree back here…you might want to check that out when you get back…Lucy?
The Land of Narnia
EDMUND: Well, shit.
The Crossroads of Icy Sexiness
A carriage driven by a DWARF who hasn’t showered in several years comes rushing by and nearly runs EDMUND over. Then the DWARF jumps out of the carriage, tackles EDMUND with his smellyness, and holds a knife to his throat.
EDMUND: OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS.
DWARF: HOW DARE YOU STAND ON THE SAME CROSSROADS OF ICY SEXINESS AS THE QUEEN OF NARNIA.
EDMUND: …
JADIS: All right, what happened now? Did we run over another beaver?
DWARF: No, this kid was just standing on the same crossroads of icy sexiness as you, Your Majesty.
JADIS: Hey you. Kid. Are you a human?
EDMUND: For you, baby, anything.
JADIS: Come sit in my sleigh with me.
EDMUND: I’m not allowed to sit in sleighs with sexy strangers.
JADIS: But there’ll be Turkish Delight.
EDMUND (in her sleigh): So what’s up?
JADIS: Oh, nothing. It’s just that I am going to die one day and I fear that I will not be able to leave an heir behind.
EDMUND: Hey, you know, I’m a willing candidate. And I guess my three other siblings could be servants.
JADIS: Next time you come to visit, come to my castle, between those two hills. And we’ll do, you know, royal stuff.
EDMUND: Will there be sex?
JADIS: …
EDMUND: I SAID WILL THERE BE SEX.
JADIS: Yes. But only if you bring your siblings.
EDMUND: Can do. Oh, by the way, my sister said this goatman kidnapped her the other day.
The Woods of Narnia
LUCY: Edmund, Edmund! You’ve found it, too! Oh, and I’ve just come from seeing Mr. Tumnus and he’s all right, no unsuspecting bitch ratted him out, and we had tea and cakes, and the fire was doing cartwheels again, and I asked him what kind of stuff was in his flute, and - you don’t look too good, Edmund.
EDMUND: Maybe because it’s FUCKING FREEZING OUT HERE MOTHERFUCKER.
LUCY: …I think we should go back to the wardrobe.
The Bedroom of…Sleep
LUCY: PETER SUSAN EDMUND FOUND IT TOO IT’S ALL REAL IT’S ALL REAL.
PETER: PIPE DOWN WILL YOU?
SUSAN: Edmund, you saw the forest in back of the wardrobe, too?
EDMUND: No. I just played along to entertain Lucy. I mean, she can’t help it if she’s dumb.
LUCY: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
PETER really bitchslaps EDMUND this time.
Jim Broadbent’s Office of Obvious
JIM BROADBENT: So…you say your sister found a magical land in the back of the wardrobe which I clearly totally most definitely do not know anything about, but none of you believe her because you think there’s no such thing as magic, but you believe your brother Edmund even after it has been firmly established that he is, in fact, crazy, and you’re here to…seek my advice?
PETER: Actually, we were just looking for the bathroom.
JIM BROADBENT: Together?
PETER and SUSAN: …
JIM BROADBENT: Anyway, I think the important thing here is that you learn to take your sister seriously. Now go play croquet or whatever it is you kids do these days.
The Room of Oh Shit We Just Broke the Life-Sized Replica of Sir Lancelot
SUSAN: OH MY GOD RUN HIDE.
The Wardrobe
LUCY: Quick! In here!
SUSAN: Oh hell no.
There is much pushing and shoving and OW YOU’RE ON MY FOOT before all the children tumble out into the snowy woods. LUCY stands off smirking to the side while the rest are dumbfounded.
SUSAN: Impossible!
PETER: That has got to be the lamest line in a movie ever.
EDMUND: Well, now that we’re here, what should we do? Go to the icy crossroads of sexiness? Go to the White Witch’s castle?
EVERYONE: …
PETER: I think you owe someone an apology.
EDMUND: Oh. Right. Listen, snow, I’m sorry I fell on you the last time I came into this forest…
PETER: I MEANT LUCY. SAY YOU’RE SORRY.
EDMUND: You would never hit me. This is a PG movie.
LUCY: That’s okay, Edmund. You can’t help it that you’re dumb. I say we go and see Mr. Tumnus!
Mr. Tumnus’ Rundown Little Hut of Backstory and Totally Not Kidnapping
SUSAN: So…the fact that the door is completely crashed in and everything’s smashed to pieces and there’s a note detailing this guy’s arrest can’t be good, right?
LUCY: NOOOOO.
EDMUND: Oh my god I am so bad.
SUSAN: Hey, there’s, like…a sparrow talking to us outside. Should we go and investigate?
PETER: Yeah, sure, the picture of this guy’s goatman dad on the floor is starting to creep me out.
The Woods of Narnia
MR. BEAVER: Greetings, Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve!
SUSAN: OH MY GOD THAT BEAVER IS TALKING.
LUCY: Excuse me, but have you seen a faun recently? About this high, totally not a kidnapper, carrying my hanky?
MR. BEAVER: Ah, you mean Mr. Tumnus. The White Witch captured him just yesterday. Here’s all he left behind: your hanky.
LUCY: Sob.
MR. BEAVER: By the way, you need to come home with me. There’s prophecies and shit to discuss.
LUCY: Oh, we aren’t allowed to go home with talking beavers.
MR. BEAVER: But there’ll be food.
PETER: Oh, Susan. Even you can’t say no to that.
The Beaver’s Hut of Beaverly Food and Prophecies and Shit
MR. BEAVER: So, basically, this is the low-down: there was this prophecy and shit back in the day how two dudes and two chicks would come to the land of Narnia and fight this totally hardcore battle with evil and restore peace and spring to all. And I think you’re those dudes and chicks.
SUSAN: Sorry, but I think you’re sadly mistaken.
MRS. BEAVER: But Aslan said you were the ones!
SUSAN: Aslan what who?
MR. BEAVER: YOU DON’T KNOW WHO ASLAN IS?! He’s the king of Narnia. And, let me tell you, what he says goes.
SUSAN: But…what if we’re not…
MR. BEAVER: WHAT HE SAYS GOES.
SUSAN: Thank you for your hospitality, but we are going to be leaving now. There will be no hardcore battle-fighting for us.
PETER and LUCY: AWW, BUT SUUUUUSAN!
SUSAN: EDMUND, MY COAT.
EVERYONE: …
SUSAN: EDMUND, MY COAT.
Jadis’ Palace of White Witchy Sexiness
EDMUND is walking through the courtyard, which is populated with various stone statues of giants and wolves and lions and tigers, oh my. Because he is crazy, he draws a moustache and glasses on one stone lion. He is about to ascend the stairs to the palace when the stone wolf he steps over turns out to be not so stone after all. Half the audience fall out of their seats and die.
EDMUND: OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS.
NOT SO STONE WOLF: Pardon me as I rip you to shreds.
EDMUND: THE WITCH PROMISED ME THERE WOULD BE SEX.
WOLF: Oh. Well, in that case, please ascend the palace stairs.
EDMUND: Thank you.
JADIS: So, Edmund. I see you have returned.
EDMUND: Yup.
JADIS: Everything seems to have gone according to our previous agreement.
EDMUND: Word.
JADIS: Except for the part where I TOLD YOU TO BRING YOUR SIBLINGS MOTHERFUCKER.
EDMUND: OH MY GOD I’M SORRY PLEASE DON’T KILL ME THEY’RE WITH THE BEAVERS IN THEIR HUT.
JADIS: Thank you. (to DWARF): Chain him up in the dungeon.
EDMUND: SEX! SEX! SEEEEEEEEEEX!
The Beaver’s Hut of Beaverly Food and Prophecies and Shit
MR. BEAVER: HURRY HURRY HURRY THE WITCH’S WOLVES WILL BE HERE ANY SECOND.
In the distance, the wolves howl ferociously.
MR. BEAVER: OH SHIT.
SUSAN: Let’s see…crackers? Check. Potatoes? Check. Firewood? Check. Jam…hmm. Do you think we’ll need jam?
PETER: ONLY IF THE WITCH DOES TOAST NOW MOVE IT WOMAN.
A very confusing and hectic chase ensues, in which the kids and the beavers escape through a random underground tunnel beneath the hut and then they…climb a tree. The wolves torture a fox, who points them in the wrong direction, and they run off. Successful escape take one!
PETER: OH MY GOD THIS IS ALL MY FAULT NOW EDMUND IS PROBABLY DEAD.
SUSAN: WELL NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU’D JUST LISTENED TO ME.
PETER: YOU ARE SUCH A PUSSY.
SUSAN: YOU TRY TO ACT LIKE OUR FATHER BUT YOU CAN’T.
PETER: I’M MORE OF A FATHER THAN YOU’LL EVER BE.
SUSAN: WELL IF YOU WANT TO GO INTO THAT CASTLE BE MY GUEST AND GET YOURSELF KILLED AND THEN LUCY AND I WILL STARVE AND DIE AND OUR BABIES WILL STARVE AND DIE AND THEN THEIR BABIES WILL STARVE AND DIE AND WE WILL NEVER SEE HOME AGAIN AND IT WILL BE ALL YOUR FAULT MOTHERFUCKER.
PETER: …
SUSAN: Are you ready to come to Aslan with the rest of us now?
PETER: Yes.
Jadis’ Dungeon of Sexy Torture and Burnt Bread
EDMUND: OH MY GOD THIS IS ALL MY FAULT AND NOW MY SIBLINGS ARE PROBABLY DEAD.
MR. TUMNUS: That’s rough, man.
EDMUND: Oh…someone was listening?
MR. TUMNUS: Hey, you’re Lucy Pevensie’s brother, aren’t you?
EDMUND: Yeah! How’d you know?
MR. TUMNUS: Same nose.
EDMUND: …
JADIS: YOUR SIBLINGS WERE NOT AT THE BEAVER HUT.
EDMUND: PLEASE DON’T KILL ME.
JADIS: You are of no further use to me.
EDMUND: NO PLEASE OH MY GOD they’re going to see Aslan.
MR. TUMNUS: …Oh, Edmund. You so crazy.
JADIS (to DWARF): Take the goatman upstairs and turn him into stone. Oh, by the way, goatman, this kid here ratted you out for helping Lucy.
MR. TUMNUS: I TAKE IT BACK. YOUR NOSE LOOKS NOTHING LIKE HERS AT ALL.
JADIS (to EDMUND): Come with me. We’re going sibling-hunting.
EDMUND: Gulp.
The Woods of Narnia
SUSAN: So…we have to walk across that giant snow-covered plain?
MR. BEAVER: That’s about the way of it, yeah.
SUSAN: Impossible!
The Giant, Snow-Covered Plain
MR. BEAVER: COME ON, KEEP UP, KEEP UP! QUICKLY NOW, COME ON!
PETER: I swear to god, I am going to KILL him and then turn him into a HAT and WEAR it and IT WILL BECOME THE LATEST FASHION.
LUCY: Piggy-back, please.
PETER: Sure thing, babe.
MRS. BEAVER: OH MY GOD. THE WHITE WITCH. SHE’S GAINING ON US. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Another very confusing and hectic chase ensues, in which they all run across the giant snow-covered plain and then decide to hide…under a tree root.
MR. BEAVER: SHE’LL NEVER FIND US HERE!
Of course, the sleigh stops, and someone comes out and stands menacingly on top of the tree root.
SOMEONE: Shiiiiiiiire…Bagginssssssssssss…
SUSAN: Peter, take that ring off your finger.
MR. BEAVER: Oh, phew! No need to worry, it’s Father Christmas!
The children tentatively poke their heads out from behind the tree root and see a man dressed in a violent shade of mahogany with a beard that stretches in all directions and hasn’t been combed in at least a decade.
THE CHILDREN: AAAAAAAARRRGHHH!
FATHER CHRISTMAS: …But I’ve brought presents.
THE CHILDREN: Oh. Well, that’s okay, then.
FATHER CHRISTMAS: For you, Lucy: a vial of an antidote that will cure any injury. Oh, and a dagger, because you’re too cute to die, and so you must be able to defend yourself in battle.
LUCY: Aw, thanks.
FATHER CHRISTMAS: For you, Susan: a bag of lame-ass arrows and a horn, because you are a pussy.
SUSAN: I can’t tell you…how touched…I am.
FATHER CHRISTMAS: And for you, Peter: a shiny new sword of brilliance and a shield engraved with a fierce lion, for you are the father figure in this fellowship, and you must protect the others.
PETER: Rock on.
FATHER CHRISTMAS: So be it. You will be THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING.
EVERYONE: …
FATHER CHRISTMAS: I’ll just be going now.
The Giant Lake of Inconvenient Melting
PETER: IT’S MELTING! OH MY GOD WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
MRS. BEAVER: Well, technically, it’s a good thing that the ice is melting, because it signals that Aslan is near and spring is arriving.
PETER: That’s great and all, but couldn’t he have waited until AFTER we crossed?
MR. BEAVER: Shut up and follow my lead.
He walks across the ice and nearly breaks off the entire cover.
MRS. BEAVER: YOU’VE BEEN SNEAKING SECOND HELPINGS.
The wolves howl, to signify their arrival so that the others can get a headstart on running across the lake.
NOT SO STONE WOLF: I have you now!
PETER: BACK, YOU BEAST!
NOT SO STONE WOLF: You can’t really use that, you know. Because you’re a pussy.
PETER: No, that’s Susan.
SUSAN: Hey!
NOT SO STONE WOLF: Then use the sword, if you aren’t a pussy!
MR. BEAVER: USE THE SWORD!
SUSAN: NO! YOU’LL GET US ALL KILLED! JUST BECAUSE SOME MAN WITH A SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP BEARD GIVES YOU A SWORD IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE A HERO!
PETER: OH. MY. GOD. SO. TORN. AND. CONFUSED.
MR. BEAVER: USE THE SWORD!
SUSAN: DON’T USE THE SWORD!
MR. BEAVER: USE THE SWORD!
SUSAN: DON’T USE THE SWORD!
To try and appease both of them, PETER stabs the sword right in front of him and breaks off a slab of ice just as the frozen waterfall becomes not so frozen and explodes all over them.
THE KIDS: AAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHHHH!
They arrive on the other shore only to realize that the wolves dragged LUCY down with them and she is now totally drowned dead.
SUSAN and PETER: NOOOOOOOO!
LUCY (wet, shivering, and totally alive): Has anyone seen my coat?
SUSAN: Impossible!
Aslan’s Kingdom of Springtime and Pretty Mountains
SUSAN: Peter…they’re all staring at me. The goatmen are staring at me.
LUCY: Maybe that’s because they think you’re funny-looking.
SUSAN: …
PETER: …
SUSAN: That was so not cute.
They all stop in front of The Tent of Aslan (No Admission Except on Prophecy Business), and they strike dramatic poses as their hair ripples in the breeze and ASLAN steps out of the tent.
PETER: …He’s a lion?
SUSAN: Your shield, hon.
PETER: Ah.
ASLAN: I see the pussy, the father, and the cutie…but where is the crazy one?
PETER: He has fallen into shadow. He has betrayed us all.
A RANDOM GOATMAN: THEN HE HAS BETRAYED US ALL!
PETER: That’s…what I just said.
A RANDOM GOATMAN: Shut it, Prophecy Boy.
Aslan’s Lake of Wolf Attacks and Boobtastic Dresses
LUCY: Susan, when will I be old enough to wear a boobtastic dress like that?
SUSAN: Soon, sweetie. Soon.
LUCY: Can I try it on now?
SUSAN: No.
LUCY: Oh, you’re no fun. You’re never any fun.
SUSAN: I used to be! But that was before some traumatic offscreen event that is never actually talked about occurred. Now please excuse me as I splash you and grab this towel that I am sure is not concealing a wolf behind it.
NOT SO STONE WOLF: WHAT UP BITCHES.
SUSAN: ARRRRGGGHH!
LUCY: Susan! Use the horn!
SUSAN: The Force?
LUCY: THE HORN!
SUSAN: Oh. Right.
PETER (on some random mountain with ASLAN): Hey, do you hear that? I think Susan's blowing something in the distance.
SUSAN: PETER! PETER!
LUCY: PETER! PETER!
PETER: Why does everyone love screaming my name? …Don’t answer that.
NOT SO STONE WOLF: Watch as I eat your sisters alive!
SUSAN: PETER! PETER!
To shut her up, PETER attacks the wolf with his sword and kills him instantly.
SUSAN: PETER! PETER! PETER!
PETER: OH MY GOD DOES IT NEVER END.
Jadis’ Forest of Bison and Orcs
EDMUND is tied to a tree while JADIS summons all her bison and orcs to come join in the fight against ASLAN. Yeah. And then, suddenly, out of nowhere, ASLAN’s army comes, rescues EDMUND, and seriously pisses JADIS off.
EDMUND: MY HEROES! (faints)
Aslan’s Kingdom of Springtime and Pretty Mountains
LUCY: Oh my god! Edmund’s back! EDMUND! EDMUND!
PETER: As much as I appreciate the fact that you’re screaming someone else’s name for once, I am going to have to ask you to please cease and desist.
LUCY: What? Why?
PETER: Because Edmund and Aslan are having a Very Very Serious Talk up on that mountain over there.
SUSAN: Hey, what’s up?
PETER: Aslan’s giving Edmund The Talk over on the mountain.
ASLAN: What’s done is done. Edmund cannot retract his past actions. So let us save valuable screen time and never mention his betrayal again.
There is group hugging. Awwwww.
SOME RANDOM GOATMAN: THE WHITE WITCH IS COMING.
JADIS: Aslan, I am shocked that you do not recall the ancient Prophecy And Shit. A traitor’s blood belongs to me. From hereon out, Edmund is my plaything, to do with as I please.
EDMUND (sighing): She did say there would be sex.
PETER: Hey, Susan…? Could you maybe stop rubbing my arm?
SUSAN: I cling to you in my moment of need!
PETER: Oh, well, that’s okay, then. Hey…hey, Susan? …That’s not my arm.
SUSAN: Moment of need.
PETER: Unnnngggggghh……
ASLAN (to JADIS): Now why don’t you just come into my tent and we’ll discuss this in a nice, civilized manner.
JADIS stalks across the grounds and glares daggers at EDMUND.
ASLAN: NICE AND CIVILIZED MANNER.
Ten thousand hours later…
ASLAN: We have come to an agreement! One that does not involve the crazy one ending up as the plaything of the White Witch! Of course, we couldn’t possibly tell you all what our agreement actually is, because it is Dangerous and Secret and Very Very Important.
JADIS: But how do I know that you will keep your promise?
ASLAN: RAWR!
JADIS: Works for me.
EDMUND: Aw. No sex.
LUCY: EDMUND! I’M SO HAPPY! NOW YOU’LL BE ABLE TO LIVE IN PEACE!
SUSAN: Oh, Peter, isn’t it wonderful?!
PETER: Unnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggghh……
The Practice Battlefield of Sexism and Talking Ponies
SUSAN and LUCY spend their time shooting at very still, very immobile targets while EDMUND and PETER ride around on their horses, waving their swords and directing their army.
EDMUND: Giddap, Pony! Come on, come on! BITCH I SAID MOVE.
PONY: My name is not “Bitch”. It is “Philip”.
EDMUND: Sorry about that.
The Tent of Aslan (No Admission Except on Prophecy Business)
LUCY: Hey, Susan? I’m getting the strangest feeling, like some sort of Christian allegory is about to be played out right here in Narnia.
SUSAN: Lucy, go back to sleep.
LUCY: No, I’m serious! Come with me! I’ll show you!
The two journey into the woods of Narnia and they see ASLAN walking along the path. Sadly. Very stealthily and quietly, SUSAN and LUCY break twigs, fall over logs, and run into trees.
ASLAN: Isn’t it time you two were in bed?
SUSAN: HOW DID YOU KNOW WE WERE HERE?!
ASLAN: Carnivorous intuition.
SUSAN: Oh. Well, can we walk with you to wherever you’re going?
ASLAN: Yes. I am in need of some company tonight.
LUCY: Okay, that totally does not forebode well.
The White Witch’s Stonehenge of Murder and Christian Allegory
ASLAN (to SUSAN and LUCY): Now stay here, but watch, ‘cause this is your Bible lesson for the day.
ASLAN walks over to Stonehenge, where there is a very symbolic stone table set out all nice and ready for him. JADIS is standing on it and she is really, really pissed off. The surrounding orcs and bison start a rallying war cry and LUCY and SUSAN are bewildered because ASLAN could totally kick everybody’s ass in ten seconds flat if he wanted to, but…he doesn’t.
JADIS: Aslan, The Prophecy And Shit states that any traitor can be given to me as my plaything -
ASLAN: Didn’t we just go through this?
JADIS: - but in the event that this is not actually the case, a lion can be sacrificed instead.
LUCY: OH MY GOD THEY’RE GOING TO KILL HIM.
SUSAN: No. No, they’re not. They would never kill Jesus.
Five Seconds Later
LUCY and SUSAN: OH MY GOD.
The Tent of Aslan (No Admission Except on Prophecy Business)
PETER: Hey, Edmund…I was having this really weird dream, and it was like Aslan went to Stonehenge or something, and then the White Witch killed him, and Lucy and Susan got a Bible lesson in the middle of it, and then this tree came into my room and told me that I had to get everyone ready for war or something. Hey, Edmund?
EDMUND: We have so much to discuss.
The White Witch’s Stonehenge of Murder and Christian Allegory
Birds chirp. Mice nibble. Trees rustle. The wind blows.
LUCY: So…we probably should be getting back now and all, right? I mean, the battle’s going to start any second.
SUSAN: The Bible lesson isn’t over yet.
Aslan’s Kingdom of Springtime and Pretty Mountains
SOME RANDOM GOATMAN: Peter, are you ready to lead us into battle?
PETER: Yeah. The fact that I’m twelve shouldn’t bother anyone.
EDMUND: Peter, wherever you go, I go, too.
PETER: Man. Now Lucy’s the only one who hasn’t hit on me yet. Sigh.
The White Witch’s Stonehenge of Murder and Christian Allegory
LUCY manages to drag a sobbing SUSAN away from ASLAN’S lifeless body, by the power of her cuteness. They stagger, grief-stricken, down the stairs and are about to leave when the earth spazzes out and the stone table cracks and ASLAN IS GONE.
LUCY: …We are so getting blamed for that, aren’t we?
Fortunately, ASLAN appears at the very top of Stonehenge, all aglow with angelic golden light and silhouetted by the strategically placed shadow of the sun. SUSAN and LUCY welcome him back, in a method that involves a lot of shouting and running in slow motion.
SUSAN: But we thought you DIED!
ASLAN: Well, that was the idea, yes. But what the White Witch didn’t know was that if anyone is sacrificed on the Stone Table of his own consent, then lo, the earth will have a spasm, and the great Stonehenge will crack wide open, and thus the Prophecy And Shit shall reverse unto itself.
LUCY: Whatever. We have a battle to fight.
CHRISTIANS IN THE AUDIENCE: That…that was deep, man.
The Battlefield of Hardcore Badassery
PETER and SOME RANDOM GOATMAN bravely stand at the front of the lines, ready to lead their troops into battle. EDMUND, MR. and MRS. BEAVER, and everyone else stand on the top of some random mountain, very safely concealed from the opposing army.
EDMUND: So…essentially…Peter’s screwed.
JADIS and the rest of her army ride up. The fact that the bison are wearing loincloths and the orcs are wielding spiked clubs are of no consequence, because JADIS is wearing ASLAN’s mane around her neck, thus officially titling this “the battlefield of hardcore badassery”.
PETER: OH NO SHE DID NOT.
SOME RANDOM GOATMAN: THAT BITCH IS GOING DOWN.
PETER: FOR NARNIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AND FOR ASLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
PETER’S HORSE: Do you think you could possibly scream that a little louder? Because I think there’s someone in Australia who didn’t hear you. And that isn’t even in Narnia.
PETER JACKSON: Hey…this all looks strangely familiar…
Everyone rushes across the field towards each other (except for EDMUND and THE BEAVERS, who begin to unpack a picnic lunch on top of their little mountain), and PETER is shown in all his kingly glory, as he raises his sword and he, accompanied by his Cheetahs of War and the rest, run towards JADIS’ army, ready to kick some ass.
This is followed by about three hours of the armies just running at each other in slow-motion.
EDMUND: So…they are going to, like, actually fight each other eventually, right?
MRS. BEAVER: More sandwiches, dear?
EDMUND: Don’t mind if I do.
The armies finally collide, in a clash of angry, yowling Cheetahs of War.
MR. BEAVER: Ah, there we go!
Jadis’ Palace of White Witchy Sexiness
SUSAN, LUCY, and ASLAN find themselves in the same courtyard EDMUND did previously, surrounded by stone creatures on every side.
LUCY: OH MY GOD that’s Mr. Tumnus he’s dead and it’s all my fault only it’s actually probably Edmund’s fault because he’s the only one who could have ratted him out to the White Witch and ASLAN WHY ARE YOU BREATHING ON HIM?!
By some kinky, sexy magic of Narnia, ASLAN has only to breathe on a creature turned to stone and they’ll instantly be restored to their former selves. Totally kinky.
MR. TUMNUS: LUCY!
LUCY: MR. TUMNUS!
SUSAN: I DON’T KNOW YOU!
There is group hugging. Awwwww.
MR. TUMNUS (to SUSAN): Damn, girl…I mean, I know I was totally hitting up Lucy this whole time, but you, girl, have got ALL THE GOODS.
SUSAN: …I think we need to go to war now.
LUCY: You were hitting on me?
The Battlefield of Hardcore Badassery
Meanwhile, PETER has taken matters into his own hands.
PETER: RELEASE THE BIRDS WITH STONES.
Giant birds with monkey tails (I am so not joking) swoop out over the battlefield and drop rocks on JADIS’ army. Who saw that coming?
PETER: RELEASE THE FLAMING ARROW.
FLAMING ARROWISTS (plural): Hey, doesn’t he mean flaming arrows? As in, plural?
FLAMING ARROWIST (singular): Nope, just the one.
The FLAMING ARROWIST shoots his flaming arrow out over the battlefield. It somehow manages to turn into a giant phoenix (on fire) and cuts off JADIS’ army from the rest. There is much cheering and rejoicing, until JADIS totally crashes through the firey wall with her icy sexiness. The flames just couldn’t handle that.
PETER: OH MY GOD WE ARE SO DONE FOR.
SOME RANDOM GOATMAN: What was that, sir?
PETER: I said, CHARGE FULL-SPEED AHEAD.
They do so, and promptly get their asses kicked.
PETER: RETREAT! RETREEEEEAT!
Except PETER and a select few others rush forward to meet JADIS’ army headon. Everyone else just retreats to the top of the secluded mountain, upsetting EDMUND and THE BEAVERS’ picnic.
MRS. BEAVER: Hey! Careful now, careful! Don’t knock over the potatoes! YOU ARE PAYING FOR THAT JAM JAR, YOUNG MAN.
EDMUND: OH MY GOD PETER IS GOING TO DIE. I HAVE TO SAVE HIM.
MRS. BEAVER: Edmund, now is not the time for incestual chivalry.
EDMUND plunges off the mountain and charges into battle, anyway.
MR. BEAVER: So do you think Aslan will be mad at us if he gets himself killed?
Meanwhile, PETER has been slashing and stabbing at everything that comes his way (and probably killed several of his own troops as well). He is busy fighting off a bison in a loincloth when JADIS makes her way over to him and is clearly ready to gut him like a fish, but of course EDMUND intervenes because he is crazy. Sadly, because of this, JADIS stabs him in the stomach and he falls to the ground, half-dead. There goes a brave, brave crazy.
PETER: NOOOOOOO! EEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDMMMMMMMMMMMUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDD!
EDMUND: It’s…all right…Peter…you have to…go on…without…me…
PETER: You were my brother, Edmund! I LOVED YOU!
EDMUND: You’re going to…live on…Peter…you’re going to…have lots of babies…and die…an old woman…
PETER: Wait, what?
But at that moment, JADIS makes her way over to PETER and attacks him with two of her swords. Which is totally badass. PETER does some sort of Matrix lean to avoid getting his head chopped off, which is kind of badass, but you can see that JADIS is just not impressed. And then, because she has been doing all this kung-fu style fighting while wearing a lion’s mane, and a lion’s mane is HEAVY, yo, she pins PETER to the ground and is ready to stab him.
PETER: NOOOOOOO GAAAAARRRGGGHHH!
But, in the nick of time, ASLAN rushes to the top of the secluded mountain, and roars, to announce his arrival (or, you know, to stop JADIS from killing PETER, either one is fine). He is surrounded by an army of NOT SO STONE CREATURES, who look as if they are seriously ready to kick some White Witch Ass. SUSAN and LUCY run to the edge of the mountain and strike poses while LUCY draws her miniscule dagger, because they can’t fight, because they are girls. And SUSAN is a pussy.
JADIS: Impossible!
SUSAN (raising bow and arrow): BITCH STOLE MY LINE.
ASLAN: Peace, Susan. I will handle this.
ASLAN charges down the mountain, pounces JADIS, and commits an unspeakable act that cannot be shown on the screen of a PG movie lest all the children in the theatre become traumatized until the end of their days. He probably just paws her to death or something.
PETER: OH ASLAN!
ASLAN: Peace has been restored to Narnia, Peter. Oh, and your brother’s dying over there.
EDMUND is indeed dying over there, a gruesome process which seems to involve a lot of heavy breathing accompanied by the occasional leg jerking.
PETER: OH MY GOD NO IT IS ALL MY FAULT. THIS MAKES THE SECOND TIME I HAVE PUT HIM IN TERRIBLE DANGER. AND THIS TIME HE’S REALLY DYING.
SUSAN: Peter, calm down. Sometimes…you just have to let people go.
PETER: NOT EDMUND! NEVER EDMUND!
EDMUND (who has been revived with LUCY’s potion): Uh…Peter?
PETER: I CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS. I SHALL GO AND LIVE THE REST OF MY NATURAL EXISTANCE IN THE MOUNTAINS, HAUNTED BY THE GRIEF THAT ACCOMPANIES THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I HAVE TOTALLY KILLED MY BROTHER.
EDMUND: Really, Peter…there’s no need…
PETER: FAREWELL EDMUND.
EDMUND: This is touching and all, but…
PETER: SUSAN, MAKE OUT WITH ME IN MY TIME OF NEED.
EVERYONE: …
EDMUND: You know, I can pretend to be dead again, if that’s what you want.
The Castle of Royal Stuff and More Boobtastic Dresses
PETER, SUSAN, EDMUND, and LUCY are being crowned Royal Dudes and Chicks of Narnia (which is the highest honor you can ever hope to receive). Their royal procession consists of RANDOM GOATMEN (MR. TUMNUS among them), THE BEAVERS, FLYING FISH, the NOT SO STONE LION that EDMUND drew on, and another one of SUSAN’s dresses from the Closet of Boobtasticity. Oh, and ASLAN, too.
ASLAN: I now pronounce you Royal Dudes and Chicks of Narnia. Mr. Tumnus, please present them with their crowns as I read off their titles.
MR. TUMNUS is delighted to have such an honor bestowed upon him.
ASLAN: Youngest first, yes? Okay. Lucy: I pronounce you Queen Lucy the Cute. An accompanying cute silver crown comes with the package. Batteries not included.
LUCY: Thank you, Aslan. I’ll treasure its cuteness forever.
ASLAN: Edmund: I pronounce you King Edmund the Crazy.
EDMUND: WHEEEEEEEEE!
THE NOT SO STONE LION THAT EDMUND DREW ON (to his friend): You know I’m related to him, right? That’s why he drew on me. A couple of species removed on my mother’s side…
ASLAN: Susan: I pronounce you Queen Susan the Pussy.
SUSAN: Well, at least it’s better than “Queen Susan the Gentle”.
ASLAN: And, finally, Peter: I pronounce you King Peter the Father Figure.
PETER: You know, that doesn’t have quite the same ring to it as the others’ do. Can’t I be something else? Like, King Peter the -
ASLAN: NO.
The Seaside Window of Angsting and Hook-Ups
ASLAN apparently enjoys long walks on the beach, as is evident from the fact that is walking about thirty miles away from the castle.
LUCY: So…I suppose that’s the last we’ll ever see of him, isn’t it?
MR. TUMNUS: I would say so. But you must remember, Lucy, that he isn’t a tame lion.
LUCY: Yes. Yes, I know.
There is a deep and meaningful silence between the two.
MR. TUMNUS: So do you want to hook up now?
LUCY: Oh, dude. I’m, like, four.
MR. TUMNUS: Is your sister available?
LUCY: It’s the boobtastic dresses, isn’t it?
MR. TUMNUS (blushing): Yeah. Yeah, it is.
LUCY: Sigh.
The Woods of Narnia (Fifteen Years Later)
KING EDMUND THE CRAZY: I say, bitch, pick up the pace!
PHILIP THE HORSE: How many times have we been over this? My name is Philip.
QUEEN LUCY THE CUTE: It’s all right, Philip, Edmund can’t help it if he’s dumb.
QUEEN SUSAN THE PUSSY: But my boobs are still bigger than yours.
KING PETER THE FATHER FIGURE: Break it up now, children, break it up.
QUEEN LUCY THE CUTE: Why, what ho, fellow companions! A most mysterious lamppost lays before us!
KING EDMUND THE CRAZY (to SUSAN): Why does she insist on talking like that?
QUEEN LUCY THE CUTE: You don’t suppose it would lead us to a wardrobe, do you?
KING PETER THE FATHER FIGURE: Lucy, did you play Tumnus’ flute again?
But LUCY is already running through the forest and the others follow her because, well, fifteen years doesn't stop you from being cute. There is much pushing and shoving and OW YOU’RE ON MY FOOT before the children come tumbling out of the wardrobe, fifteen years earlier. Don’t ask, it made sense to C.S. LEWIS.
The Wardrobe
JIM BROADBENT: What were you all doing in the wardrobe? Not discovering another world, I’m sure?
PETER: Oh, sir, you wouldn’t believe us if we told you.
JIM BROADBENT: Try me.
PETER: Well, it was amazing. This goatman got his house smashed in, and then this beaver invited us to dinner for prophecies and shit, and I almost made out with Susan, and then we all went to war even though that’s just what we were trying to get away from back home, and Aslan totally pawed this bitch to death, and then -
JIM BROADBENT: Peter? Save it until after the credits.
It's not very funny, but I really like it. :-)
The style is very much cleolinda's, but the jokes are all my own.
The Chronicles of Narnia: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe
A parody
The Bomb Shelter of Exposition and Character Establishment
Fighter planes begin dropping bombs on London, thereby ensuring that the audience realizes this is World War II - or else some country is just really, really pissed off.
MRS. TWO-SCENE PEVENSIE: To the bomb shelter!
EDMUND: But what about Dad’s photograph?!
MRS. TWO-SCENE PEVENSIE: Sweetheart, I think our lives are slightly more important.
EDMUND: NO! I MUST SAVE DAD’S PHOTOGRAPH!
PETER: NO! EDMUND!
MRS. TWO-SCENE PEVENSIE: NO! PETER!
SUSAN: Whatever, Lucy and I have been here in the bomb shelter for hours now.
EDMUND runs back into the about-to-be-bombed house, saves his dad’s photograph, nearly gets blown to pieces by a bomb that lands about a foot away from him, and is dragged back to the bomb shelter by a really ticked-off PETER.
PETER: WHY CAN’T YOU JUST DO AS YOU’RE TOLD?!
What we have established here is that EDMUND is crazy, PETER is trying to be the father figure (which is…kind of weird), SUSAN is a pussy, LUCY is cute, and MRS. PEVENSIE is only in two scenes. Also, people like to shout PETER’s name.
The Train Station of Woe
MRS. TWO-SCENE PEVENSIE: So I’m sending you all off to the countryside to live with Jim Broadbent.
PETER: And he’s related to us how…?
MRS. TWO-SCENE PEVENSIE: Shut up and get on the train.
The kids all cry and obey. During the frantic scramble to wave to their dear mother from the train window, SUSAN’s face is nearly squished. This establishes sibling rivalry.
The Countryside of Tumbleweeds
The kids wait at the train station for several hours. A tumbleweed rolls by. Then a bespectacled lady in a horse-driven carriage rides up.
PETER: Jim Broadbent?
The Professor’s House of Don’t Touch Don’t Touch No No No
MRS. MACREEDY: Don’t touch the windows, don’t touch the statues, don’t touch the carpets, don’t touch the chairs, don’t touch the ceiling, don’t blink, don’t breathe, I SAID DON’T TOUCH THE STATUES.
SUSAN has a heart attack and falls over.
The Sitting Room of Oh My God I Am So Bored
SUSAN and PETER are studying Latin because…well, what else is there to do in the countryside? Oh, and it’s raining outside so they can’t go and explore the grounds. EDMUND gives the appearance of attempting to fix the bottom of a chair, but he is probably just curled under there because he is crazy. LUCY makes a valiant attempt to save her sanity.
LUCY: Let’s play hide-and-seek!
PETER: Aw, but Susan and I were just getting to the “Pie Jesu”.
LUCY: Hide-and-seek. NOW.
PETER: Okay, FINE. One, two, three, four, five…
A really old and slightly befuddling ‘50s song begins to play (something about joyfully loving your lover - it’s not entirely clear what this has to do with playing hide-and-seek), and the children all run around to find expert hiding places. Like in a box and behind a curtain. Only LUCY manages to make a real attempt, and she stumbles upon a room that is completely empty except for this huge white THING in the middle of it.
LUCY: Huh.
A fly drops dead. Mothballs clatter.
LUCY: Gulp.
She pulls off the white sheet to reveal a very posh, very nice-looking wardrobe. Mustering all her courage, LUCY steps tentatively into the wardrobe to find…coats.
LUCY: OH GOD.
She makes her way through the wardrobe, brushing against more and more coats, until she comes into contact with something that is not a coat and is, in fact, a tree branch. She turns around and finds herself in the middle of a snowy wood with a lamppost several feet ahead of her.
LUCY: So…that made sense.
The Woods of Narnia
LUCY walks towards the lamppost because clearly this is a better idea than running the hell back through the wardrobe. She examines it from every angle, pokes it, and has nearly satisfied her curiosity when she hears a rustle in the trees behind her. The dramatic music plays, we catch slight glimpses of the predator, and then this, like, goatman comes out.
LUCY: AAAAAAAARRRGHHHH!
GOATMAN: AAAAAAAAAARRRRGHHH!
LUCY: WHO ARE YOU?!
GOATMAN (stammering in fear): M-my name is M-Mr. Tumnus a-and I’m a f-faun…
LUCY: Oh, that’s okay, then. My name’s Lucy and I’m a human.
MR. TUMNUS: A HUMAN?!
LUCY: Yeah. Is there something wrong with that?
MR. TUMNUS (not obvious at all): No, no, not at all. Want to come home with me?
LUCY: I’m not allowed to go home with strange goatmen.
GOATMAN: But there’ll be cake.
LUCY: WHERE DO YOU LIVE?
Mr. Tumnus’ Rundown Little Hut of Backstory and Totally Not Kidnapping
LUCY: So, basically, this is a magical world called Narnia and it’s always winter here?
MR. TUMNUS: Pretty much, yeah.
LUCY: THAT IS SO COOL. Do you have Christmas, like, every day?
MR. TUMNUS: No.
LUCY: Why not?!
MR. TUMNUS: Because The White Witch forbids it.
LUCY: The White Witch? Who is she?
MR. TUMNUS: Well, if you’d stop asking questions every SECOND, I’d tell you. She is this totally hardcore bitch, and she’s so badass that she makes it always winter and never Christmas. Oh, and she told me that if I ever found a human, I was to kidnap them and hand them over to her immediately.
LUCY: What?
MR. TUMNUS: Nothing. Hey, want me to play you some music?
LUCY: Sure!
MR. TUMNUS plays this Celtic lullaby on his I Can’t Believe It’s Not A Flute, instantly putting LUCY to sleep as the fire in the fireplace starts dancing around and doing cartwheels and doing the Electric Slide and then it becomes a lion’s face and roars its head off maniacally.
MR. TUMNUS: Damn. What’s in this flute?
The Woods of Narnia
LUCY: So, basically, you kidnapped me to hand me over to the White Witch and then you had a change of heart and now you’re taking me back to the wardrobe?
MR. TUMNUS: Dude, when did we establish any of this?
LUCY: Here’s my hanky.
MR. TUMNUS: You took your hanky into the wardrobe?
LUCY: Well, you know, I thought, just in the offchance that I met a criminal mastermind faun…
MR. TUMNUS: Aw, thanks, that’s sweet. GODSPEED LUCY PEVENSIE.
LUCY: WHEEEEE!
The Wardrobe
LUCY: IT’S OKAY! I’M BACK! I DIDN’T GET KIDNAPPED BY A GOATMAN!
THE OTHERS: …
SUSAN: I’m going to let you get away with that because you’re cute.
LUCY: NO THERE’S THIS, LIKE, FOREST IN THE BACK OF THE WARDROBE.
SUSAN: Okay, that just crossed the line.
EDMUND: Aw, hey, Lucy can’t help it if she’s dumb.
PETER bitchslaps him. Theoretically speaking. SUSAN throws a catty comment over her shoulder as she leaves the room because she is a pussy.
LUCY: Well, you believe me, don’t you, Peter?
PETER: Sweetheart, there are some things that cute just doesn’t cover.
The Bedroom of…Sleep
LUCY wakes up and decides to go explore the wardrobe again. Just as she walks up the stairs, EDMUND comes out of the bathroom (where he sleeps, because he is crazy) and decides to follow LUCY.
The Wardrobe
LUCY walks into the wardrobe and disappears from sight just as EDMUND enters the room and follows her in.
EDMUND: Lucy, get out of the wardrobe! It’s okay that you’re dumb! Oh, hey, there’s, like, a tree back here…you might want to check that out when you get back…Lucy?
The Land of Narnia
EDMUND: Well, shit.
The Crossroads of Icy Sexiness
A carriage driven by a DWARF who hasn’t showered in several years comes rushing by and nearly runs EDMUND over. Then the DWARF jumps out of the carriage, tackles EDMUND with his smellyness, and holds a knife to his throat.
EDMUND: OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS.
DWARF: HOW DARE YOU STAND ON THE SAME CROSSROADS OF ICY SEXINESS AS THE QUEEN OF NARNIA.
EDMUND: …
JADIS: All right, what happened now? Did we run over another beaver?
DWARF: No, this kid was just standing on the same crossroads of icy sexiness as you, Your Majesty.
JADIS: Hey you. Kid. Are you a human?
EDMUND: For you, baby, anything.
JADIS: Come sit in my sleigh with me.
EDMUND: I’m not allowed to sit in sleighs with sexy strangers.
JADIS: But there’ll be Turkish Delight.
EDMUND (in her sleigh): So what’s up?
JADIS: Oh, nothing. It’s just that I am going to die one day and I fear that I will not be able to leave an heir behind.
EDMUND: Hey, you know, I’m a willing candidate. And I guess my three other siblings could be servants.
JADIS: Next time you come to visit, come to my castle, between those two hills. And we’ll do, you know, royal stuff.
EDMUND: Will there be sex?
JADIS: …
EDMUND: I SAID WILL THERE BE SEX.
JADIS: Yes. But only if you bring your siblings.
EDMUND: Can do. Oh, by the way, my sister said this goatman kidnapped her the other day.
The Woods of Narnia
LUCY: Edmund, Edmund! You’ve found it, too! Oh, and I’ve just come from seeing Mr. Tumnus and he’s all right, no unsuspecting bitch ratted him out, and we had tea and cakes, and the fire was doing cartwheels again, and I asked him what kind of stuff was in his flute, and - you don’t look too good, Edmund.
EDMUND: Maybe because it’s FUCKING FREEZING OUT HERE MOTHERFUCKER.
LUCY: …I think we should go back to the wardrobe.
The Bedroom of…Sleep
LUCY: PETER SUSAN EDMUND FOUND IT TOO IT’S ALL REAL IT’S ALL REAL.
PETER: PIPE DOWN WILL YOU?
SUSAN: Edmund, you saw the forest in back of the wardrobe, too?
EDMUND: No. I just played along to entertain Lucy. I mean, she can’t help it if she’s dumb.
LUCY: WAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
PETER really bitchslaps EDMUND this time.
Jim Broadbent’s Office of Obvious
JIM BROADBENT: So…you say your sister found a magical land in the back of the wardrobe which I clearly totally most definitely do not know anything about, but none of you believe her because you think there’s no such thing as magic, but you believe your brother Edmund even after it has been firmly established that he is, in fact, crazy, and you’re here to…seek my advice?
PETER: Actually, we were just looking for the bathroom.
JIM BROADBENT: Together?
PETER and SUSAN: …
JIM BROADBENT: Anyway, I think the important thing here is that you learn to take your sister seriously. Now go play croquet or whatever it is you kids do these days.
The Room of Oh Shit We Just Broke the Life-Sized Replica of Sir Lancelot
SUSAN: OH MY GOD RUN HIDE.
The Wardrobe
LUCY: Quick! In here!
SUSAN: Oh hell no.
There is much pushing and shoving and OW YOU’RE ON MY FOOT before all the children tumble out into the snowy woods. LUCY stands off smirking to the side while the rest are dumbfounded.
SUSAN: Impossible!
PETER: That has got to be the lamest line in a movie ever.
EDMUND: Well, now that we’re here, what should we do? Go to the icy crossroads of sexiness? Go to the White Witch’s castle?
EVERYONE: …
PETER: I think you owe someone an apology.
EDMUND: Oh. Right. Listen, snow, I’m sorry I fell on you the last time I came into this forest…
PETER: I MEANT LUCY. SAY YOU’RE SORRY.
EDMUND: You would never hit me. This is a PG movie.
LUCY: That’s okay, Edmund. You can’t help it that you’re dumb. I say we go and see Mr. Tumnus!
Mr. Tumnus’ Rundown Little Hut of Backstory and Totally Not Kidnapping
SUSAN: So…the fact that the door is completely crashed in and everything’s smashed to pieces and there’s a note detailing this guy’s arrest can’t be good, right?
LUCY: NOOOOO.
EDMUND: Oh my god I am so bad.
SUSAN: Hey, there’s, like…a sparrow talking to us outside. Should we go and investigate?
PETER: Yeah, sure, the picture of this guy’s goatman dad on the floor is starting to creep me out.
The Woods of Narnia
MR. BEAVER: Greetings, Sons of Adam and Daughters of Eve!
SUSAN: OH MY GOD THAT BEAVER IS TALKING.
LUCY: Excuse me, but have you seen a faun recently? About this high, totally not a kidnapper, carrying my hanky?
MR. BEAVER: Ah, you mean Mr. Tumnus. The White Witch captured him just yesterday. Here’s all he left behind: your hanky.
LUCY: Sob.
MR. BEAVER: By the way, you need to come home with me. There’s prophecies and shit to discuss.
LUCY: Oh, we aren’t allowed to go home with talking beavers.
MR. BEAVER: But there’ll be food.
PETER: Oh, Susan. Even you can’t say no to that.
The Beaver’s Hut of Beaverly Food and Prophecies and Shit
MR. BEAVER: So, basically, this is the low-down: there was this prophecy and shit back in the day how two dudes and two chicks would come to the land of Narnia and fight this totally hardcore battle with evil and restore peace and spring to all. And I think you’re those dudes and chicks.
SUSAN: Sorry, but I think you’re sadly mistaken.
MRS. BEAVER: But Aslan said you were the ones!
SUSAN: Aslan what who?
MR. BEAVER: YOU DON’T KNOW WHO ASLAN IS?! He’s the king of Narnia. And, let me tell you, what he says goes.
SUSAN: But…what if we’re not…
MR. BEAVER: WHAT HE SAYS GOES.
SUSAN: Thank you for your hospitality, but we are going to be leaving now. There will be no hardcore battle-fighting for us.
PETER and LUCY: AWW, BUT SUUUUUSAN!
SUSAN: EDMUND, MY COAT.
EVERYONE: …
SUSAN: EDMUND, MY COAT.
Jadis’ Palace of White Witchy Sexiness
EDMUND is walking through the courtyard, which is populated with various stone statues of giants and wolves and lions and tigers, oh my. Because he is crazy, he draws a moustache and glasses on one stone lion. He is about to ascend the stairs to the palace when the stone wolf he steps over turns out to be not so stone after all. Half the audience fall out of their seats and die.
EDMUND: OH MY GOD WHAT IS THIS.
NOT SO STONE WOLF: Pardon me as I rip you to shreds.
EDMUND: THE WITCH PROMISED ME THERE WOULD BE SEX.
WOLF: Oh. Well, in that case, please ascend the palace stairs.
EDMUND: Thank you.
JADIS: So, Edmund. I see you have returned.
EDMUND: Yup.
JADIS: Everything seems to have gone according to our previous agreement.
EDMUND: Word.
JADIS: Except for the part where I TOLD YOU TO BRING YOUR SIBLINGS MOTHERFUCKER.
EDMUND: OH MY GOD I’M SORRY PLEASE DON’T KILL ME THEY’RE WITH THE BEAVERS IN THEIR HUT.
JADIS: Thank you. (to DWARF): Chain him up in the dungeon.
EDMUND: SEX! SEX! SEEEEEEEEEEX!
The Beaver’s Hut of Beaverly Food and Prophecies and Shit
MR. BEAVER: HURRY HURRY HURRY THE WITCH’S WOLVES WILL BE HERE ANY SECOND.
In the distance, the wolves howl ferociously.
MR. BEAVER: OH SHIT.
SUSAN: Let’s see…crackers? Check. Potatoes? Check. Firewood? Check. Jam…hmm. Do you think we’ll need jam?
PETER: ONLY IF THE WITCH DOES TOAST NOW MOVE IT WOMAN.
A very confusing and hectic chase ensues, in which the kids and the beavers escape through a random underground tunnel beneath the hut and then they…climb a tree. The wolves torture a fox, who points them in the wrong direction, and they run off. Successful escape take one!
PETER: OH MY GOD THIS IS ALL MY FAULT NOW EDMUND IS PROBABLY DEAD.
SUSAN: WELL NONE OF THIS WOULD HAVE HAPPENED IF YOU’D JUST LISTENED TO ME.
PETER: YOU ARE SUCH A PUSSY.
SUSAN: YOU TRY TO ACT LIKE OUR FATHER BUT YOU CAN’T.
PETER: I’M MORE OF A FATHER THAN YOU’LL EVER BE.
SUSAN: WELL IF YOU WANT TO GO INTO THAT CASTLE BE MY GUEST AND GET YOURSELF KILLED AND THEN LUCY AND I WILL STARVE AND DIE AND OUR BABIES WILL STARVE AND DIE AND THEN THEIR BABIES WILL STARVE AND DIE AND WE WILL NEVER SEE HOME AGAIN AND IT WILL BE ALL YOUR FAULT MOTHERFUCKER.
PETER: …
SUSAN: Are you ready to come to Aslan with the rest of us now?
PETER: Yes.
Jadis’ Dungeon of Sexy Torture and Burnt Bread
EDMUND: OH MY GOD THIS IS ALL MY FAULT AND NOW MY SIBLINGS ARE PROBABLY DEAD.
MR. TUMNUS: That’s rough, man.
EDMUND: Oh…someone was listening?
MR. TUMNUS: Hey, you’re Lucy Pevensie’s brother, aren’t you?
EDMUND: Yeah! How’d you know?
MR. TUMNUS: Same nose.
EDMUND: …
JADIS: YOUR SIBLINGS WERE NOT AT THE BEAVER HUT.
EDMUND: PLEASE DON’T KILL ME.
JADIS: You are of no further use to me.
EDMUND: NO PLEASE OH MY GOD they’re going to see Aslan.
MR. TUMNUS: …Oh, Edmund. You so crazy.
JADIS (to DWARF): Take the goatman upstairs and turn him into stone. Oh, by the way, goatman, this kid here ratted you out for helping Lucy.
MR. TUMNUS: I TAKE IT BACK. YOUR NOSE LOOKS NOTHING LIKE HERS AT ALL.
JADIS (to EDMUND): Come with me. We’re going sibling-hunting.
EDMUND: Gulp.
The Woods of Narnia
SUSAN: So…we have to walk across that giant snow-covered plain?
MR. BEAVER: That’s about the way of it, yeah.
SUSAN: Impossible!
The Giant, Snow-Covered Plain
MR. BEAVER: COME ON, KEEP UP, KEEP UP! QUICKLY NOW, COME ON!
PETER: I swear to god, I am going to KILL him and then turn him into a HAT and WEAR it and IT WILL BECOME THE LATEST FASHION.
LUCY: Piggy-back, please.
PETER: Sure thing, babe.
MRS. BEAVER: OH MY GOD. THE WHITE WITCH. SHE’S GAINING ON US. RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!
Another very confusing and hectic chase ensues, in which they all run across the giant snow-covered plain and then decide to hide…under a tree root.
MR. BEAVER: SHE’LL NEVER FIND US HERE!
Of course, the sleigh stops, and someone comes out and stands menacingly on top of the tree root.
SOMEONE: Shiiiiiiiire…Bagginssssssssssss…
SUSAN: Peter, take that ring off your finger.
MR. BEAVER: Oh, phew! No need to worry, it’s Father Christmas!
The children tentatively poke their heads out from behind the tree root and see a man dressed in a violent shade of mahogany with a beard that stretches in all directions and hasn’t been combed in at least a decade.
THE CHILDREN: AAAAAAAARRRGHHH!
FATHER CHRISTMAS: …But I’ve brought presents.
THE CHILDREN: Oh. Well, that’s okay, then.
FATHER CHRISTMAS: For you, Lucy: a vial of an antidote that will cure any injury. Oh, and a dagger, because you’re too cute to die, and so you must be able to defend yourself in battle.
LUCY: Aw, thanks.
FATHER CHRISTMAS: For you, Susan: a bag of lame-ass arrows and a horn, because you are a pussy.
SUSAN: I can’t tell you…how touched…I am.
FATHER CHRISTMAS: And for you, Peter: a shiny new sword of brilliance and a shield engraved with a fierce lion, for you are the father figure in this fellowship, and you must protect the others.
PETER: Rock on.
FATHER CHRISTMAS: So be it. You will be THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING.
EVERYONE: …
FATHER CHRISTMAS: I’ll just be going now.
The Giant Lake of Inconvenient Melting
PETER: IT’S MELTING! OH MY GOD WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?
MRS. BEAVER: Well, technically, it’s a good thing that the ice is melting, because it signals that Aslan is near and spring is arriving.
PETER: That’s great and all, but couldn’t he have waited until AFTER we crossed?
MR. BEAVER: Shut up and follow my lead.
He walks across the ice and nearly breaks off the entire cover.
MRS. BEAVER: YOU’VE BEEN SNEAKING SECOND HELPINGS.
The wolves howl, to signify their arrival so that the others can get a headstart on running across the lake.
NOT SO STONE WOLF: I have you now!
PETER: BACK, YOU BEAST!
NOT SO STONE WOLF: You can’t really use that, you know. Because you’re a pussy.
PETER: No, that’s Susan.
SUSAN: Hey!
NOT SO STONE WOLF: Then use the sword, if you aren’t a pussy!
MR. BEAVER: USE THE SWORD!
SUSAN: NO! YOU’LL GET US ALL KILLED! JUST BECAUSE SOME MAN WITH A SERIOUSLY FUCKED UP BEARD GIVES YOU A SWORD IT DOESN’T MEAN YOU’RE A HERO!
PETER: OH. MY. GOD. SO. TORN. AND. CONFUSED.
MR. BEAVER: USE THE SWORD!
SUSAN: DON’T USE THE SWORD!
MR. BEAVER: USE THE SWORD!
SUSAN: DON’T USE THE SWORD!
To try and appease both of them, PETER stabs the sword right in front of him and breaks off a slab of ice just as the frozen waterfall becomes not so frozen and explodes all over them.
THE KIDS: AAAAAAAAARRRGGGHHHHH!
They arrive on the other shore only to realize that the wolves dragged LUCY down with them and she is now totally drowned dead.
SUSAN and PETER: NOOOOOOOO!
LUCY (wet, shivering, and totally alive): Has anyone seen my coat?
SUSAN: Impossible!
Aslan’s Kingdom of Springtime and Pretty Mountains
SUSAN: Peter…they’re all staring at me. The goatmen are staring at me.
LUCY: Maybe that’s because they think you’re funny-looking.
SUSAN: …
PETER: …
SUSAN: That was so not cute.
They all stop in front of The Tent of Aslan (No Admission Except on Prophecy Business), and they strike dramatic poses as their hair ripples in the breeze and ASLAN steps out of the tent.
PETER: …He’s a lion?
SUSAN: Your shield, hon.
PETER: Ah.
ASLAN: I see the pussy, the father, and the cutie…but where is the crazy one?
PETER: He has fallen into shadow. He has betrayed us all.
A RANDOM GOATMAN: THEN HE HAS BETRAYED US ALL!
PETER: That’s…what I just said.
A RANDOM GOATMAN: Shut it, Prophecy Boy.
Aslan’s Lake of Wolf Attacks and Boobtastic Dresses
LUCY: Susan, when will I be old enough to wear a boobtastic dress like that?
SUSAN: Soon, sweetie. Soon.
LUCY: Can I try it on now?
SUSAN: No.
LUCY: Oh, you’re no fun. You’re never any fun.
SUSAN: I used to be! But that was before some traumatic offscreen event that is never actually talked about occurred. Now please excuse me as I splash you and grab this towel that I am sure is not concealing a wolf behind it.
NOT SO STONE WOLF: WHAT UP BITCHES.
SUSAN: ARRRRGGGHH!
LUCY: Susan! Use the horn!
SUSAN: The Force?
LUCY: THE HORN!
SUSAN: Oh. Right.
PETER (on some random mountain with ASLAN): Hey, do you hear that? I think Susan's blowing something in the distance.
SUSAN: PETER! PETER!
LUCY: PETER! PETER!
PETER: Why does everyone love screaming my name? …Don’t answer that.
NOT SO STONE WOLF: Watch as I eat your sisters alive!
SUSAN: PETER! PETER!
To shut her up, PETER attacks the wolf with his sword and kills him instantly.
SUSAN: PETER! PETER! PETER!
PETER: OH MY GOD DOES IT NEVER END.
Jadis’ Forest of Bison and Orcs
EDMUND is tied to a tree while JADIS summons all her bison and orcs to come join in the fight against ASLAN. Yeah. And then, suddenly, out of nowhere, ASLAN’s army comes, rescues EDMUND, and seriously pisses JADIS off.
EDMUND: MY HEROES! (faints)
Aslan’s Kingdom of Springtime and Pretty Mountains
LUCY: Oh my god! Edmund’s back! EDMUND! EDMUND!
PETER: As much as I appreciate the fact that you’re screaming someone else’s name for once, I am going to have to ask you to please cease and desist.
LUCY: What? Why?
PETER: Because Edmund and Aslan are having a Very Very Serious Talk up on that mountain over there.
SUSAN: Hey, what’s up?
PETER: Aslan’s giving Edmund The Talk over on the mountain.
ASLAN: What’s done is done. Edmund cannot retract his past actions. So let us save valuable screen time and never mention his betrayal again.
There is group hugging. Awwwww.
SOME RANDOM GOATMAN: THE WHITE WITCH IS COMING.
JADIS: Aslan, I am shocked that you do not recall the ancient Prophecy And Shit. A traitor’s blood belongs to me. From hereon out, Edmund is my plaything, to do with as I please.
EDMUND (sighing): She did say there would be sex.
PETER: Hey, Susan…? Could you maybe stop rubbing my arm?
SUSAN: I cling to you in my moment of need!
PETER: Oh, well, that’s okay, then. Hey…hey, Susan? …That’s not my arm.
SUSAN: Moment of need.
PETER: Unnnngggggghh……
ASLAN (to JADIS): Now why don’t you just come into my tent and we’ll discuss this in a nice, civilized manner.
JADIS stalks across the grounds and glares daggers at EDMUND.
ASLAN: NICE AND CIVILIZED MANNER.
Ten thousand hours later…
ASLAN: We have come to an agreement! One that does not involve the crazy one ending up as the plaything of the White Witch! Of course, we couldn’t possibly tell you all what our agreement actually is, because it is Dangerous and Secret and Very Very Important.
JADIS: But how do I know that you will keep your promise?
ASLAN: RAWR!
JADIS: Works for me.
EDMUND: Aw. No sex.
LUCY: EDMUND! I’M SO HAPPY! NOW YOU’LL BE ABLE TO LIVE IN PEACE!
SUSAN: Oh, Peter, isn’t it wonderful?!
PETER: Unnnnnnnnnnnnggggggggghh……
The Practice Battlefield of Sexism and Talking Ponies
SUSAN and LUCY spend their time shooting at very still, very immobile targets while EDMUND and PETER ride around on their horses, waving their swords and directing their army.
EDMUND: Giddap, Pony! Come on, come on! BITCH I SAID MOVE.
PONY: My name is not “Bitch”. It is “Philip”.
EDMUND: Sorry about that.
The Tent of Aslan (No Admission Except on Prophecy Business)
LUCY: Hey, Susan? I’m getting the strangest feeling, like some sort of Christian allegory is about to be played out right here in Narnia.
SUSAN: Lucy, go back to sleep.
LUCY: No, I’m serious! Come with me! I’ll show you!
The two journey into the woods of Narnia and they see ASLAN walking along the path. Sadly. Very stealthily and quietly, SUSAN and LUCY break twigs, fall over logs, and run into trees.
ASLAN: Isn’t it time you two were in bed?
SUSAN: HOW DID YOU KNOW WE WERE HERE?!
ASLAN: Carnivorous intuition.
SUSAN: Oh. Well, can we walk with you to wherever you’re going?
ASLAN: Yes. I am in need of some company tonight.
LUCY: Okay, that totally does not forebode well.
The White Witch’s Stonehenge of Murder and Christian Allegory
ASLAN (to SUSAN and LUCY): Now stay here, but watch, ‘cause this is your Bible lesson for the day.
ASLAN walks over to Stonehenge, where there is a very symbolic stone table set out all nice and ready for him. JADIS is standing on it and she is really, really pissed off. The surrounding orcs and bison start a rallying war cry and LUCY and SUSAN are bewildered because ASLAN could totally kick everybody’s ass in ten seconds flat if he wanted to, but…he doesn’t.
JADIS: Aslan, The Prophecy And Shit states that any traitor can be given to me as my plaything -
ASLAN: Didn’t we just go through this?
JADIS: - but in the event that this is not actually the case, a lion can be sacrificed instead.
LUCY: OH MY GOD THEY’RE GOING TO KILL HIM.
SUSAN: No. No, they’re not. They would never kill Jesus.
Five Seconds Later
LUCY and SUSAN: OH MY GOD.
The Tent of Aslan (No Admission Except on Prophecy Business)
PETER: Hey, Edmund…I was having this really weird dream, and it was like Aslan went to Stonehenge or something, and then the White Witch killed him, and Lucy and Susan got a Bible lesson in the middle of it, and then this tree came into my room and told me that I had to get everyone ready for war or something. Hey, Edmund?
EDMUND: We have so much to discuss.
The White Witch’s Stonehenge of Murder and Christian Allegory
Birds chirp. Mice nibble. Trees rustle. The wind blows.
LUCY: So…we probably should be getting back now and all, right? I mean, the battle’s going to start any second.
SUSAN: The Bible lesson isn’t over yet.
Aslan’s Kingdom of Springtime and Pretty Mountains
SOME RANDOM GOATMAN: Peter, are you ready to lead us into battle?
PETER: Yeah. The fact that I’m twelve shouldn’t bother anyone.
EDMUND: Peter, wherever you go, I go, too.
PETER: Man. Now Lucy’s the only one who hasn’t hit on me yet. Sigh.
The White Witch’s Stonehenge of Murder and Christian Allegory
LUCY manages to drag a sobbing SUSAN away from ASLAN’S lifeless body, by the power of her cuteness. They stagger, grief-stricken, down the stairs and are about to leave when the earth spazzes out and the stone table cracks and ASLAN IS GONE.
LUCY: …We are so getting blamed for that, aren’t we?
Fortunately, ASLAN appears at the very top of Stonehenge, all aglow with angelic golden light and silhouetted by the strategically placed shadow of the sun. SUSAN and LUCY welcome him back, in a method that involves a lot of shouting and running in slow motion.
SUSAN: But we thought you DIED!
ASLAN: Well, that was the idea, yes. But what the White Witch didn’t know was that if anyone is sacrificed on the Stone Table of his own consent, then lo, the earth will have a spasm, and the great Stonehenge will crack wide open, and thus the Prophecy And Shit shall reverse unto itself.
LUCY: Whatever. We have a battle to fight.
CHRISTIANS IN THE AUDIENCE: That…that was deep, man.
The Battlefield of Hardcore Badassery
PETER and SOME RANDOM GOATMAN bravely stand at the front of the lines, ready to lead their troops into battle. EDMUND, MR. and MRS. BEAVER, and everyone else stand on the top of some random mountain, very safely concealed from the opposing army.
EDMUND: So…essentially…Peter’s screwed.
JADIS and the rest of her army ride up. The fact that the bison are wearing loincloths and the orcs are wielding spiked clubs are of no consequence, because JADIS is wearing ASLAN’s mane around her neck, thus officially titling this “the battlefield of hardcore badassery”.
PETER: OH NO SHE DID NOT.
SOME RANDOM GOATMAN: THAT BITCH IS GOING DOWN.
PETER: FOR NARNIAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! AND FOR ASLAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAN!
PETER’S HORSE: Do you think you could possibly scream that a little louder? Because I think there’s someone in Australia who didn’t hear you. And that isn’t even in Narnia.
PETER JACKSON: Hey…this all looks strangely familiar…
Everyone rushes across the field towards each other (except for EDMUND and THE BEAVERS, who begin to unpack a picnic lunch on top of their little mountain), and PETER is shown in all his kingly glory, as he raises his sword and he, accompanied by his Cheetahs of War and the rest, run towards JADIS’ army, ready to kick some ass.
This is followed by about three hours of the armies just running at each other in slow-motion.
EDMUND: So…they are going to, like, actually fight each other eventually, right?
MRS. BEAVER: More sandwiches, dear?
EDMUND: Don’t mind if I do.
The armies finally collide, in a clash of angry, yowling Cheetahs of War.
MR. BEAVER: Ah, there we go!
Jadis’ Palace of White Witchy Sexiness
SUSAN, LUCY, and ASLAN find themselves in the same courtyard EDMUND did previously, surrounded by stone creatures on every side.
LUCY: OH MY GOD that’s Mr. Tumnus he’s dead and it’s all my fault only it’s actually probably Edmund’s fault because he’s the only one who could have ratted him out to the White Witch and ASLAN WHY ARE YOU BREATHING ON HIM?!
By some kinky, sexy magic of Narnia, ASLAN has only to breathe on a creature turned to stone and they’ll instantly be restored to their former selves. Totally kinky.
MR. TUMNUS: LUCY!
LUCY: MR. TUMNUS!
SUSAN: I DON’T KNOW YOU!
There is group hugging. Awwwww.
MR. TUMNUS (to SUSAN): Damn, girl…I mean, I know I was totally hitting up Lucy this whole time, but you, girl, have got ALL THE GOODS.
SUSAN: …I think we need to go to war now.
LUCY: You were hitting on me?
The Battlefield of Hardcore Badassery
Meanwhile, PETER has taken matters into his own hands.
PETER: RELEASE THE BIRDS WITH STONES.
Giant birds with monkey tails (I am so not joking) swoop out over the battlefield and drop rocks on JADIS’ army. Who saw that coming?
PETER: RELEASE THE FLAMING ARROW.
FLAMING ARROWISTS (plural): Hey, doesn’t he mean flaming arrows? As in, plural?
FLAMING ARROWIST (singular): Nope, just the one.
The FLAMING ARROWIST shoots his flaming arrow out over the battlefield. It somehow manages to turn into a giant phoenix (on fire) and cuts off JADIS’ army from the rest. There is much cheering and rejoicing, until JADIS totally crashes through the firey wall with her icy sexiness. The flames just couldn’t handle that.
PETER: OH MY GOD WE ARE SO DONE FOR.
SOME RANDOM GOATMAN: What was that, sir?
PETER: I said, CHARGE FULL-SPEED AHEAD.
They do so, and promptly get their asses kicked.
PETER: RETREAT! RETREEEEEAT!
Except PETER and a select few others rush forward to meet JADIS’ army headon. Everyone else just retreats to the top of the secluded mountain, upsetting EDMUND and THE BEAVERS’ picnic.
MRS. BEAVER: Hey! Careful now, careful! Don’t knock over the potatoes! YOU ARE PAYING FOR THAT JAM JAR, YOUNG MAN.
EDMUND: OH MY GOD PETER IS GOING TO DIE. I HAVE TO SAVE HIM.
MRS. BEAVER: Edmund, now is not the time for incestual chivalry.
EDMUND plunges off the mountain and charges into battle, anyway.
MR. BEAVER: So do you think Aslan will be mad at us if he gets himself killed?
Meanwhile, PETER has been slashing and stabbing at everything that comes his way (and probably killed several of his own troops as well). He is busy fighting off a bison in a loincloth when JADIS makes her way over to him and is clearly ready to gut him like a fish, but of course EDMUND intervenes because he is crazy. Sadly, because of this, JADIS stabs him in the stomach and he falls to the ground, half-dead. There goes a brave, brave crazy.
PETER: NOOOOOOO! EEEEEEEEEEEDDDDDDDDMMMMMMMMMMMUUUUUUUUUNNNNNNNNDDDDDDDDDDD!
EDMUND: It’s…all right…Peter…you have to…go on…without…me…
PETER: You were my brother, Edmund! I LOVED YOU!
EDMUND: You’re going to…live on…Peter…you’re going to…have lots of babies…and die…an old woman…
PETER: Wait, what?
But at that moment, JADIS makes her way over to PETER and attacks him with two of her swords. Which is totally badass. PETER does some sort of Matrix lean to avoid getting his head chopped off, which is kind of badass, but you can see that JADIS is just not impressed. And then, because she has been doing all this kung-fu style fighting while wearing a lion’s mane, and a lion’s mane is HEAVY, yo, she pins PETER to the ground and is ready to stab him.
PETER: NOOOOOOO GAAAAARRRGGGHHH!
But, in the nick of time, ASLAN rushes to the top of the secluded mountain, and roars, to announce his arrival (or, you know, to stop JADIS from killing PETER, either one is fine). He is surrounded by an army of NOT SO STONE CREATURES, who look as if they are seriously ready to kick some White Witch Ass. SUSAN and LUCY run to the edge of the mountain and strike poses while LUCY draws her miniscule dagger, because they can’t fight, because they are girls. And SUSAN is a pussy.
JADIS: Impossible!
SUSAN (raising bow and arrow): BITCH STOLE MY LINE.
ASLAN: Peace, Susan. I will handle this.
ASLAN charges down the mountain, pounces JADIS, and commits an unspeakable act that cannot be shown on the screen of a PG movie lest all the children in the theatre become traumatized until the end of their days. He probably just paws her to death or something.
PETER: OH ASLAN!
ASLAN: Peace has been restored to Narnia, Peter. Oh, and your brother’s dying over there.
EDMUND is indeed dying over there, a gruesome process which seems to involve a lot of heavy breathing accompanied by the occasional leg jerking.
PETER: OH MY GOD NO IT IS ALL MY FAULT. THIS MAKES THE SECOND TIME I HAVE PUT HIM IN TERRIBLE DANGER. AND THIS TIME HE’S REALLY DYING.
SUSAN: Peter, calm down. Sometimes…you just have to let people go.
PETER: NOT EDMUND! NEVER EDMUND!
EDMUND (who has been revived with LUCY’s potion): Uh…Peter?
PETER: I CAN’T DEAL WITH THIS. I SHALL GO AND LIVE THE REST OF MY NATURAL EXISTANCE IN THE MOUNTAINS, HAUNTED BY THE GRIEF THAT ACCOMPANIES THE KNOWLEDGE THAT I HAVE TOTALLY KILLED MY BROTHER.
EDMUND: Really, Peter…there’s no need…
PETER: FAREWELL EDMUND.
EDMUND: This is touching and all, but…
PETER: SUSAN, MAKE OUT WITH ME IN MY TIME OF NEED.
EVERYONE: …
EDMUND: You know, I can pretend to be dead again, if that’s what you want.
The Castle of Royal Stuff and More Boobtastic Dresses
PETER, SUSAN, EDMUND, and LUCY are being crowned Royal Dudes and Chicks of Narnia (which is the highest honor you can ever hope to receive). Their royal procession consists of RANDOM GOATMEN (MR. TUMNUS among them), THE BEAVERS, FLYING FISH, the NOT SO STONE LION that EDMUND drew on, and another one of SUSAN’s dresses from the Closet of Boobtasticity. Oh, and ASLAN, too.
ASLAN: I now pronounce you Royal Dudes and Chicks of Narnia. Mr. Tumnus, please present them with their crowns as I read off their titles.
MR. TUMNUS is delighted to have such an honor bestowed upon him.
ASLAN: Youngest first, yes? Okay. Lucy: I pronounce you Queen Lucy the Cute. An accompanying cute silver crown comes with the package. Batteries not included.
LUCY: Thank you, Aslan. I’ll treasure its cuteness forever.
ASLAN: Edmund: I pronounce you King Edmund the Crazy.
EDMUND: WHEEEEEEEEE!
THE NOT SO STONE LION THAT EDMUND DREW ON (to his friend): You know I’m related to him, right? That’s why he drew on me. A couple of species removed on my mother’s side…
ASLAN: Susan: I pronounce you Queen Susan the Pussy.
SUSAN: Well, at least it’s better than “Queen Susan the Gentle”.
ASLAN: And, finally, Peter: I pronounce you King Peter the Father Figure.
PETER: You know, that doesn’t have quite the same ring to it as the others’ do. Can’t I be something else? Like, King Peter the -
ASLAN: NO.
The Seaside Window of Angsting and Hook-Ups
ASLAN apparently enjoys long walks on the beach, as is evident from the fact that is walking about thirty miles away from the castle.
LUCY: So…I suppose that’s the last we’ll ever see of him, isn’t it?
MR. TUMNUS: I would say so. But you must remember, Lucy, that he isn’t a tame lion.
LUCY: Yes. Yes, I know.
There is a deep and meaningful silence between the two.
MR. TUMNUS: So do you want to hook up now?
LUCY: Oh, dude. I’m, like, four.
MR. TUMNUS: Is your sister available?
LUCY: It’s the boobtastic dresses, isn’t it?
MR. TUMNUS (blushing): Yeah. Yeah, it is.
LUCY: Sigh.
The Woods of Narnia (Fifteen Years Later)
KING EDMUND THE CRAZY: I say, bitch, pick up the pace!
PHILIP THE HORSE: How many times have we been over this? My name is Philip.
QUEEN LUCY THE CUTE: It’s all right, Philip, Edmund can’t help it if he’s dumb.
QUEEN SUSAN THE PUSSY: But my boobs are still bigger than yours.
KING PETER THE FATHER FIGURE: Break it up now, children, break it up.
QUEEN LUCY THE CUTE: Why, what ho, fellow companions! A most mysterious lamppost lays before us!
KING EDMUND THE CRAZY (to SUSAN): Why does she insist on talking like that?
QUEEN LUCY THE CUTE: You don’t suppose it would lead us to a wardrobe, do you?
KING PETER THE FATHER FIGURE: Lucy, did you play Tumnus’ flute again?
But LUCY is already running through the forest and the others follow her because, well, fifteen years doesn't stop you from being cute. There is much pushing and shoving and OW YOU’RE ON MY FOOT before the children come tumbling out of the wardrobe, fifteen years earlier. Don’t ask, it made sense to C.S. LEWIS.
The Wardrobe
JIM BROADBENT: What were you all doing in the wardrobe? Not discovering another world, I’m sure?
PETER: Oh, sir, you wouldn’t believe us if we told you.
JIM BROADBENT: Try me.
PETER: Well, it was amazing. This goatman got his house smashed in, and then this beaver invited us to dinner for prophecies and shit, and I almost made out with Susan, and then we all went to war even though that’s just what we were trying to get away from back home, and Aslan totally pawed this bitch to death, and then -
JIM BROADBENT: Peter? Save it until after the credits.
It's not very funny, but I really like it. :-)