(no subject)
I was bored today, and procrastinating the work that needed to be done on my research paper, so I ended up being comedically productive.
King Kong
A parody
New York City, Being Emo
It is the Depression Era. Numerous people are starving, unemployed, and homeless, thereby ensuring that the audience realizes this is nothing at all like the New York City of today. However, there is one main difference, and that is that very bizzare but cheerful music is playing in the background.
BIZARRE BUT CHEERFUL BACKGROUND MUSIC: AND I SIT. ON TOP. OF THE WORRRRRRRRRRRLD. JUST SINGING A SONG. SIIIIIIIIIIIINGING A SONG.
THE PORTION OF THE AUDIENCE THAT HAS NEVER HEARD OF AL JOLSON: …
During this very strange montage, we see a vaudeville troupe performing, among them ANN DARROW, who is beautiful and blonde (even while wearing a fake moustache), thereby establishing her as the heroine of this film.
VAUDEVILLE TROUPER #1: I fear we’re going out of business.
ANN: No, not at all. It’ll pick up, you’ll see!
VAUDEVILLE TROUPER #2: I’m going to have to agree with #1 here.
ANN: No, this is just a lapse! Business will be back in bloom before you know it!
VAUDEVILLE TROUPER #3: …Ann, we’ve had to wear the same outfits for two months now, and we eat pea soup out of cans on the street.
ANN: LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU.
The Alley of Angst
ANN: Oh, Elderly Vaudeville Performer Who Probably Should Not Be Hurling Himself Around A Stage At Such An Age, you have been like a father to me all these years I have been involved with the vaudeville troupe. I appreciate that more than I could ever possibly hope to express, seeing as everyone else in my life has left me to fend for myself.
ELDERLY VAUDEVILLE PERFORMER: Excellent. Are you done establishing your character now?
ANN: Yes. Want to take me out to dinner at the soup kitchen?
The Movie Preview Room of Foreign Jungle Expeditions (and Boobies)
PATRON #1: Carl, how many more reels of film are left?
CARL DENHAM: Five, sir.
THE AUDIENCE: SHIT, I THOUGHT JACK BLACK WAS PLAYING THE MONKEY!
PATRON #1: Too long. We’re scrapping this piece of crap.
CARL: Wait, sir! I have an idea that just may change your mind.
PATRON #1: HA.
CARL: Imagine, if you will, an island.
PATRON #1: Okay.
CARL: Are you picturing it?
PATRON #1: Yes.
CARL: Palm trees, sandy beach, abundant nudist colonies, everything?
PATRON #1: Yes.
CARL: Now picture that…but better. More mysterious. An island shrouded in ominous fog. An island uncharted on any map, undiscovered by man…UNTIL NOW.
PATRON #2: Will there be boobies?
CARL: Beyond your wildest dreams.
PATRON #2: Aw, fund the damn project.
PATRON #1: Excuse us for a minute, Carl.
The Car Ride of You Just Did WHAT?
TOM HANKS’ DORKTASTIC SON, PRESTON: You just did WHAT?
CARL: I did not do anything. However, I am about to escape the city, and then the country, on an illegal boat ride, and inadvertently kidnap the cast, the crew, the writer, and you by doing so, in order to shoot my movie on the island previously discussed.
PRESTON: OH MY GOD.
CARL: Don’t lie. You’re impressed.
Meanwhile…
The vaudeville theatre has been closed down. NYC was feeling particularly emo that day.
ANN: OH GOD NO MY LIFE.
ELDERLY VAUDEVILLE PERFORMER: Aw. Here, have some pea soup.
The Alley Formerly of Angst, Now of Serious Mooching Business
ANN begins hitting up the PRODUCER of JACK DRISCOLL’s new play, in order to get some work.
ANN: Hey, baby.
PRODUCER: Go away.
ANN: I can go other places, baby. Places you’d never even imagined.
PRODUCER: Sorry, I’ve got work to do.
ANN: I could do work. Tonight. In your pants.
PRODUCER: Goodbye, Ann.
ANN: YOU WON’T BE SAYING THAT AFTER I’M THROUGH WITH YOU.
PRODUCER: Aw, man, now that was just sad. Here, this is the card for the new hooker stripper place that just opened down the block.
ANN: The what?
PRODUCER: Oh, I’m sorry. The house of sexually experienced women who derive great pleasure and big bucks from removing their clothes in front of old men, generally with a pole involved.
ANN: Thank you.
The House of Aforementioned Women
ANN: Oh, HELL NO.
The Market Place of Theft
In a subtle tribute to Fay Wray (and her hat), ANN’s hunger gets the better of her and she steals an apple from a nearby marketplace.
OWNER: I’LL HAVE YOU WHIPPED FOR THAT. And you’ll like it.
ANN: OH MY GOD.
CARL: Oh, miss? I believe you dropped this money. The fact that I am pulling it out of my pocket RIGHT NOW is merely an illusion.
ANN: Buy me dinner, and I’ll bear your children.
CARL: Done deal.
The Restaurant of Face-Stuffing and Yet More Character Establishment
CARL sits and twiddles his thumbs while ANN stuffs her face.
CARL: So…
ANN: Mr. Denham, you should *snarfle* know that *growl* I am not *munch* in the habit of *crunch* accepting charity *horf chew* from strangers *swallow*.
CARL: I see. Say, you wouldn’t happen to be a size four, would you?
ANN: …
CARL: What? Oh, god, no, nothing like that, Clarice - I mean, Ann, sorry, Ann. It’s just that I’m this huge, famous, big-budget movie producer, and, you know, our leading lady just quit on us, and you look like the exact same size as her, thus ensuring that you would probably fit into her costumes, and I was wondering if you would be interested in coming to shoot my new smash-hit, box-office-gold picture.
ANN: Carl, my acting career consists of lesbian sex scenes and cursed videotapes.
CARL: And going down on Sean Penn.
ANN: Oh. Well, yes, there was that.
CARL: See? You’d be perfect for the role!
ANN: I don’t know, Mr. Denham. What exactly is this role?
CARL: A beautiful, talented, Australian girl who has spent her days doing low-budget horror flicks, until one day, a crazy batshit movie director plucks her out of thin air, and she becomes an instant star over night. There’s a couple of sex scenes in there, too.
ANN: Oh, but Mr. Denham, it isn’t about the sex. It’s about the heart. The passions. The emotions. The perseverance. The determination. It’s about making it in an industry where only looking exactly like everyone else will get you anywhere, and being blessed and crafty enough to use that talent. It’s about love of the profession. And love itself.
CARL: God, you’re more emo than this entire city.
ANN: Thank you.
CARL: Now come on, because I don’t think the audience can go much longer without seeing Adrien Brody!
THE AUDIENCE: …I THOUGHT HE WAS PLAYING THE GORILLA, TOO.
The Ship of Sex
CARL: Here, Ann, let me introduce you to the crew! Tom Hanks’ dorktastic son, Preston.
PRESTON: Hey, what’s up.
CARL: Bruce, the diva.
BRUCE: I’d shake your hand, but I just finished grooming my moustache.
CARL: Jimmy, the child actor turned groovy.
JIMMY: *emo’s*
CARL: Hayes, the bewilderingly pointless father figure and our racial diversity back-up.
HAYES: Boy, stop emoing with that damn face of yours.
CARL: Lumpy, the cook.
LUMPY: MY PRECIOUSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
CARL: Max, the cameraman who would never, in a thousand years, be the first killed off when trouble should arise.
MAX: HEY.
CARL: And, last but most certainly not least, Captain Von Sex.
CAPTAIN VON SEX: Pleasure to make your acquaintance, my dear.
ANN: Ooooooh.
CAPTAIN VON SEX: Are you nervous?
ANN: Nervous? About what?
CAPTAIN VON SEX: Embarking upon this illicit voyage to an uncharted, probably haunted island, with a megalomaniacal movie producer constantly on your ass every hour of every second of every day of this voyage.
ANN: …
CARL: UM, WE HAVE TO GO NOW. ANCHORS AWAY!
The Cabin of Craftiness
JACK: Carl, I’ve written you your script.
CARL: Jack, this is fifteen pages long.
JACK: Yeah, but it’s GOOD. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have the most important theatrical meeting of my life to make, so if we could hurry up so I could get off the ship before it leaves, I would truly appreciate that.
CARL: Absolutely. But first, let me write you a check for two thousand dollars.
JACK: Clearly, nothing is amiss.
The Ship of Sex, Ten Miles Out to Sea
JACK: OOOHHWARRRRGGAHABRUMAHOOOOMWAHHHHHHHH!
The Cabin Hatch of Kink
HAYES is leading JACK down to the cabin hatch of kink in order to give him sleeping accommodations for the night.
HAYES: So which cage do you want to sleep in tonight, Jack? Lion? Bear? Sumatrian Rat Monkey?
JACK: …I’m good, thanks. Say, why are all these cages down here, anyway?
JIMMY appears out of nowhere in order to knock open a door containing ten thousand trillion bottles of ginormous chloroform.
JACK: …
HAYES: Captain Von Sex specializes in exotic live animal capture.
JACK: Oh, thank god.
HAYES: But we do get bored sometimes.
JACK: Gulp.
The Dining Hall of Awkward First Meetings
ANN mistakes a nerdy-looking technician for ADRIEN BRODY.
ANN: I admire your work so much…that piano thing? I cried like a baby. And the village! I could not get over your performance for weeks afterwards. I am constantly awed and inspired by your talent. And, just between the two of us, I have to say, I’m so glad your nose doesn’t really look like that in real life. I was so afraid it would, you know. And I always thought you were going to be one of those pompous, worldly actors who wouldn’t even give you the time of day if you asked for it -
JACK has come out of his cage and is standing behind ANN.
CARL: Hey, Ann…?
JACK: Oh, no, don’t ask her to turn around, please. She might die at the sight of my nose.
ANN: OH CRAP.
The Cabin Hatch of Kink
JACK: So, basically, you’re keeping me in this cage until I cough up a script for you?
CARL: That’s about the way of it, yeah.
JACK: Sigh.
CARL: Oh, it could be worse.
JACK: Well, you weren’t down here last night when Hayes broke out the chloroform.
CARL: Yikes.
JACK: Precisely. Where are we headed, anyway?
CARL: Sorry, I can’t divulge that information.
JACK: …Carl, I’m going to need to know the name of the location we’re shooting on.
CARL: Promise you won’t freak out?
JACK: I promise.
CARL: Cross your heart and hope to die?
JACK: Cross my heart and hope to die.
CARL: Well, it’s called ‘Skull Island’, and it hasn’t been discovered yet, and it’s rumored that a man-eating monster resides there and is especially partial to blonde virginal sacrifices.
JACK: Oh. Well, it could be worse.
JIMMY (eavesdropping): OH MY GOD.
The Recreation Room of Mutiny
CARL and PRESTON are sitting at a table, poring over a map CARL has procured of Skull Island.
HAYES (from the right): Fine weather tonight, isn’t it, Lumpy?
LUMPY (from the left): Why, indeed it is, Mr. Hayes. For a mutiny.
CARL: We’ll just be going now.
JIMMY (from the back): Oh, I don’t think so.
PRESTON: MY DAD WILL KICK ALL YOUR ASSES.
JIMMY: Suck it, pretty boy.
PRESTON: Yes, sir.
HAYES: So what’s all this about a Skull Island, Mr. Denham?
LUMPY: I’ve heard about that place. A couple of years ago, we picked up a man who was floating on the ocean, half-dead, traumatized beyond human imagination, and he told us stories about that place, stories about a man-eating monster; stories that would make you sick to your stomach and your hair stand on end. His screams in the night still haunt our dreams. Not a single member of our crew has ever forgotten him.
CARL: Your point being…?
LUMPY: He committed suicide the next day.
PRESTON: OH GOD.
CARL: I’m sorry, gentlemen. You’ll have to do better than that. Monsters belong in B-movies.
Somewhere Out on Skull Island
KING KONG: O RLY?
The Montage Aboard the Ship of Sex
Filming of CARL’s picture progresses. BRUCE mooches, JACK writes, ANN and JIMMY attempt Irish dancing, and JACK hits up ANN. Or her legs. Whichever.
The Cabin of Hook-Ups
JACK: Here, Ann, I wrote you a play.
ANN: Well, that’s silly. Why would you do something like that?
JACK: ...Isn’t it obvious?
ANN: …No.
JACK: It’s in the subtext.
ANN: I’m sorry, I don’t quite understand that.
JACK: I’m in love with you, Ann.
ANN: I’m sorry?
JACK: I hopelessly and ardently adore you, Ann.
ANN: …
JACK: I WANT TO GET IN YOUR SINFULLY UGLY TRENCHCOAT DRESS. RIGHT. NOW.
ANN: Ohhhhh.
And then there is sex.
The Ship of Sex Upon the Sea
The ship has abruptly run into a giant wall of fog and the compasses have stopped working. Clearly, nothing is amiss.
The Ship of Sex Upon the Sea, Five Minutes and Several Tidal Waves Later
EVERYONE: YEEEEEEEEAARRGHGHGOAUREOUAGHGHAGHAHALSRAEWWWAHAHHHHH!
Skull Island
CARL: So our ship has fifteen giant holes in it, thirty crew members are dead, and we’re stranded on an uncharted island with numerous sharp rocks. So what I’m saying is…things could have been much, much worse.
The Ship of Sex Upon the Numerous Sharp Rocks
CAPTAIN VON SEX: All right, here’s the plan! We get this ship patched up by tonight, and we sail back to New York, where we turn in Carl Denham for his arrest, and we never speak of this expedition ever again.
JIMMY: Ah, sir? Carl and his crew are already on the island.
CAPTAIN VON SEX: OH, VATEVAAA.
Skull Island
CARL: Step lightly and quickly. If we hurry, they won’t even notice we were gone!
ANN: Hey, Carl? I’m feeling a little uneasy about the skulls and the skeletons with pikes through their eyes.
CARL: Ann, if you’re going to be in this profession, you have got to learn to suck it up.
Skull Island, New Home of the Exorcist
They encounter a native child, who is able to rearrange the bones in his fingers at will, but is apparently unable to eat Nestle’s chocolate.
CARL: Kid, I have tried to be nice. I have tried to be patient. But I shall say this, and I shall say it for the last time, TAKE THE GODDAMN CHOCOLATE.
And he might have, only the NERDY TECHNICIAN is impaled through the chest with a spear at that very moment.
ANN: YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHH!
Mistaking ANN for a local banshee, all of the NATIVES come out of their hiding place, bash several crew members’ heads in, and freak ANN’s shit out, before CAPTAIN VON SEX and the rest arrive to save the day.
CAPTAIN VON SEX: Are you ready to come back to the cage now, Jack?
JACK: Yes, sir.
A Dark and Stormy Night Upon the Ship of Sex
JACK: Phew, I’m so glad that’s over! How is everyone?
CAPTAIN VON SEX: Well, you have a mild concussion, Carl is more determined than ever to shoot this film, and Preston is having a nervous breakdown in the bathroom next door.
JACK: Well, that’s all right.
CAPTAIN VON SEX: Oh, and I thought I saw a native sneak on to the ship and kidnap Ann, but I’m not entirely sure about that.
JACK: WHAT?!
Skull Island
ANN: I TOLD YOU! I’M NOT FAY WRAY!
NATIVE #1: Oh, we know that.
ANN: Then why am I here?
NATIVE #2: Well, the ruler of our island, Kong, demands a sacrifice every year, and is exceptionally partial to women.
ANN: TAKE PRESTON!
NATIVE #2: Blonde women.
ANN: I’m sure he could dye his hair.
NATIVE #2: Who have willingly starred in bad sequels to overpriced horror flicks.
ANN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The Ship of Sex
JACK: We have to save her! We have to get her back! I love her!
EVERYONE: …
JACK: If not for me, then for DIGNITY. For JUSTICE. For CHIVALRY. We will STORM that island, and we will take NONE of their hokey voodoo shit, and we will RESCUE Ann, and we will be HEROES.
EVERYONE: …
JACK: I’ll throw in a night with me and the cage and the chloroform, too.
Skull Island, Sacrificial Virgin Paradise
The natives have bitch-slapped ANN, tied her to some giant hanging thing, and put a necklace of leopard teeth around her neck. And now there is an ominous rustling in the trees.
ANN: Hey…should I be worried? I mean, I’m hanging fifty thousand feet above the ground, I have leopard teeth digging into my neck, but now there’s something coming through the jungle, and…hey, guys? Why are you all hiding?
KONG: Hey, baby.
ANN: YEWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHWEOHAAARRRRRGHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Skull Island, Sacrificial Virgin Paradise, Several Minutes Later
JACK: I realize that, by now, the woman I love is probably monkey chow. But we will still press on, instead of wisely abandoning this whole futile expedition and sailing the hell back to New York City, where there are no hokey voodoo natives and everyone loves Nestle’s chocolate. …But then we would not have a plot. And so I say: ONWARD!
CAPTAIN VON SEX: If we don’t find her within 24 hours, we sail the hell back to New York.
The Jungle. OF DEATH.
KONG is harumphing and pounding through the jungle, ANN clutched in his fist, who alternates between fainting and screaming and doing some weird thing that is either a moan or a grunt, we are not quite sure which just yet. He pauses at the top of a scary-looking mountain and begins swinging ANN back and forth while thumping his chest, snarling, snorting, and howling. As if this were not enough, there are a bunch of skeletons with leopard teeth necklaces laying at the bottom of the mountain.
ANN: YEEEEEEARRRGGAHHHWAHHHHHHH!
KONG: BOOOOWAHHHRUUUUUOOGABOOGABOOOOOO!
ANN: UUUUUUUUUUHHHAHAAHHHOHHHHHHHHH!
KONG: RAAAWWRRROOOBAAAHDOOOBADOOOOOOO!
ANN: AAAAHHHWAHHHHUUUHOHHHHHHHHH!
KONG: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBADOOBADEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
ANN: Everybody was KUNG-FU FIGHTING!
She stabs KONG with her leopard teeth necklace. He drops her, and she goes running across the skeletons and the leopard teeth and the mud and the thorns and the sticks and the bugs. KONG’s fist begins to look slightly more comfortable, which is why she stops the weird grunt-moaning thing when he picks her back up.
KONG: BOOOORUMMMAWAHOOOOMWOOOBOOGAHHHHHH!
ANN: Oh, whatever.
Kong’s Lair
KONG takes her to his jungle treehouse cave thing. Keeping her wits about her, ANN begins to perform her vaudeville tricks for him.
ANN: AND I SIT. ON TOP. OF THE WORRRRRRRRRRLD. JUST SINGING A SOOOOOOONG. SINGING A SOOOOOOOOONG.
KONG: Is this supposed to impress me?
Bored with her antics (because everyone can juggle twigs and breakdance, man), he begins to push her over numerous times, until she finally gets annoyed at being beat up by a MAN.
ANN: STOP IT.
KONG: I’m sorry, I don’t understand that.
ANN: NO.
KONG: I’m sorry, could you repeat that, please?
ANN: BACK OFF, MOTHERFUCKER.
KONG: OH NO YOU DID NOT.
ANN: GO TO YOUR ROOM.
KONG: EXCUSE ME?
ANN: YOU HEARD ME.
KONG: YOU BETTER WATCH YOURSELF, GIRL. I CAN THROW YOU BACK TO THE HOKEY VOODOO NATIVES ANY TIME I WANT.
ANN: YOUR FACE IS UGLY.
Shocked and offended that a girl just totally shot him down, KONG proceeds to have a hissy fit, destroying half the island in the process.
ANN: Oh, how like a man.
Skull Island, Virgin Search Day One
JACK and the crew have only been on their search for ANN for several hours, and already they are taking a break.
JIMMY: Hey, Jack? You’re sitting in a GIANT footprint.
JACK: LORD ALMIGHTY.
LUMPY: There’s only one creature that could have made a footprint this big.
EVERYONE: WHAT?!
LUMPY: …The Abominable Snowman.
EVERYONE: …
Skull Island, the Land Before Time
CARL has led BRUCE and MAX to the end of the valley, and is shooting a scene for his film. This would not be a problem, only this scene happens to involve ten thousand brachiosaurus things.
BRUCE: So…you want me…to go up…and pet one of them?
CARL: Yes! Just for a second!
BRUCE: And I want to know…are you batshit?
CARL: Yes! Just for a second!
MAX: Carl, I really don’t think is such a good idea.
CARL: Oh, what could possibly happen to us, in the middle of an unexplored island, at the edge of a valley full of creatures thought to be extinct several hundred billion years ago?
Skull Island, the Land Before Time, Ten Minutes, Several Corpses, and an Avalanche of Dinosaurs Later
CARL: So, what I’m saying is…it could have been much, much worse.
Kong’s Lair
KONG is giving ANN the silent treatment. She takes the hint and runs off through the jungle, missing the rescue party by about two seconds, several cliffs, and a thousand feet. The rescue party, meanwhile, has positioned themselves outside the cave part of KONG’s jungle treehouse cave thing. HAYES is the only one crazy enough to take out a gun and shoot blindly into the cave.
HAYES: Jimmy, when he comes out and totally busts a cap in my ass, which he will do, without question, I want you to run.
JIMMY: Way ahead of you.
KONG does, indeed, come out, and totally busts a cap in HAYES’ ass.
JIMMY: NOOOOO! I DIDN’T MEAN IT! FATHAAAAAAA!
JACK: It’s okay, Jimmy. Sometimes, people get killed by giant gorillas. It’s all a part of life.
Skull Island’s Greatest Feature: The Giant Log Perfect for Tipping a Rescue Party Off of!
JACK: THIS, HOWEVER, IS NOT A PART OF LIFE.
Skull Island, the Land Before Time
ANN continues running through the jungle, and it almost seems as if she will make it back to the coast in time to, like, man the ship herself and sail the hell back to New York, because she is totally hardcore enough to do that. Or something. But this idea is all blown to hell, of course, when she encounters a giant dinosaur eating another one.
ANN: Oh, this can’t be good.
DINOSAUR: RAWR.
ANN: YEEEEEARRRGAHHWUUHAAHHHHH!
A mad chase ensues, but ANN, resourceful as ever, crawls into a log and successfully eludes her predator.
ANN: Ah, safe at last!
Until the dinosaur totally chomps its way through.
ANN: AAAAWUUHAAAHOHHHWAAHHHHHHHH!
Fortunately for her, the dinosaur is abruptly killed.
ANN: Ahhh.
But then a centipede crawls inside her mouth.
ANN: WAAAAAAAAHUOUUHHWAHHAOHWEOIRURUUUGGGHAWWAHHHH!
This is too much for even her to handle, and so she runs out of the log, only to be chased down the ravine and through the jungle by an even bigger dinosaur.
THE AUDIENCE: Oh, come on.
She hides behind another log, because we all know how well that served her the last time. Surprisingly enough, however, the dinosaur cannot see through logs, and goes away.
ANN: Phew.
But another dinosaur pops up behind her.
THE AUDIENCE: OH, COME ON!
Skull Island, the Land Before Time: Ultimate Showdown
After nearly having half her body chewed off by the dinosaur, ANN falls off a log and is rescued by KONG, who proceeds to fight off the three dinosaurs, while expertly managing to keep ANN just out of reach of carnivorous teeth. And then they all fall off a cliff.
ANN: UUUUUUWHAHHHYEEAARRGAHHHWOHHHHHHH!
KONG: It’s okay, Ann! Keep yourself together! Grab onto that vine!
ANN: YAAAAAWAEEHEHHOHHHGARUUUUUUUUUU!
KONG: Just hold on, Ann! Let me take out the other two dinosaurs!
ANN: AAAAAAAHHEEEWAHHHUUOOHHHAAAAAA!
KONG: WOMAN, I AM THE ONE FIGHTING OFF THE GENETICALLY MUTATED T-REXES. NOW SHUT UP AND GRAB THE GODDAMN VINE. ARE WE CLEAR?
ANN: Yes, sir.
KONG: GOOD.
While KONG fights off the crazy-ass T-REXES, ANN does some funky Tarzan shit on the vines, and eventually ends up riding the T-REX’s jaw, before plummeting both of them into the lake below.
ANN: YEAAAAAAAAAAWHWHAHRURUOGAAHHH!
KONG: WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
ANN: Aaaahhhhh.
After getting just wet enough for visible boobies, ANN runs out of the lake, but soon finds herself cornered by the T-REX.
ANN: Hey. Look. Can’t we just solve this in a civilized manner?
T-REX: What?
ANN: You don’t like me. And I don’t like you. But I’m sure we can settle this like normal genetically mutated dinosaurs and vaudeville actresses. Don’t you agree?
T-REX: Well, I suppose…
ANN: Great! I’m just going to go now.
KONG: I WILL KICK YOUR ASS.
T-REX: OH, YOU LIE.
And then they fight, which is really just a one-sided thing, as KONG tears out the T-REX’s tongue, snaps its jaw in two, and then bashes its face in.
T-REX (dying): REMEMBER ME AS A PEACE-MAKER.
KONG: Yeah, yeah, we’ll build a monument, WHATEVER.
The T-REX dies and KONG pounds his chest, roaring loud enough to alert everyone on the island to the exact location of where he and ANN are.
ANN: OH, MY HERO.
KONG (brushing off shoulders): All in a day’s work.
Skull Island, The Ravine of Genetically Mutated Insects
HAYES is dead, CARL’s camera is dead, JIMMY has a concussion, and the Chinese man is dead.
LUMPY: WE ARE ALL DOOMED.
And then they are all attacked by giant slugworms and ants with chompers, and JIMMY has to blow them all away with a machine gun, resulting in a gooey mess of exploding insect parts.
MAN IN THE AUDIENCE: Hey, I’m going to go get some ice cream and a Snickers…you guys want anything?
Kong’s Lair
KONG brings ANN back to his jungle treehouse thing, and they watch a sunset together.
ANN: So…we never really did get a chance to talk.
KONG: Maybe because you always FREAKED OUT whenever I came near you.
ANN: Yeah. Sorry about that.
KONG: And that weird grunt-moaning thing. That always pissed me off.
ANN: I’m sorry. I’ll work on that. Oh, and you need to stop with the hissyfits, man.
KONG: I don’t believe our relationship has quite yet reached the point where you can make such demands of me.
ANN: All right.
They continue to watch the sunset. ANN, who has obviously never stepped out of her own house before in her life, is overcome by the loveliness of the sunset, and teaches KONG the sign language term for “beautiful”.
JANE GOODALL: OH HELL NO, BITCH.
Skull Island
After JIMMY has successfully shot a giant ant off of JACK’s crotch, CAPTAIN VON SEX and the rest show up, happily shooting the rest of the bugs into oblivion, but not before LUMPY is devoured by a giant slugworm and the entire audience is traumatized for the rest of their natural existences.
CAPTAIN VON SEX: So I guess we’re all ready to go back to the ship now?
EVERYONE: YES.
JACK: Well, I’m going to go and look for Ann some more.
EVERYONE: …
CAPTAIN VON SEX: Are you batshit?
CARL: Well, think about it this way: he gets the girl, the girl gets the gorilla, thus, by the transitive property, you get the gorilla.
CAPTAIN VON SEX: I don’t know about this…
CARL: Well, what else are you going to do with all that chloroform?
CAPTAIN VON SEX: Touche.
Kong’s Lair
JACK bravely travels to KONG’s jungle treehouse cave thing, eluding ginormous vampire bats (WITH FANGS) along the way. He climbs to the top of the mountain and finds ANN asleep in KONG’s strategically placed paw.
JACK: Fine. I see how it is.
ANN: Jack?
JACK: You know, if you want to stay with the gorilla, feel free and all. I’m sure you two would be very happy together. You could fight off dinosaurs every morning and eat ginormous vampire bats with fangs for lunch and hang out with the hokey voodoo natives in the evenings -
ANN: OH MY GOD, PLEASE TAKE ME BACK.
JACK: Ah, yes, I thought that might be the case. Here, let me reach across to you in dramatic slow-motion.
KONG: I think not.
ANN: GRAHHHHH RUN! YOU DON’T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT HE DID TO THE LAST GUY WHO TOUCHED ME!
Of course, JACK manages to rescue ANN, because he is Adrien Brody, and he is bad-ass. He makes some sort of rope out of vines that just happened to be lying around, and then he climbs down with ANN on his back…
JACK: Hey, you know, feel free to put your legs around me or whatever.
ANN: Maybe we can discuss sex in crisis situations when the TWENTY-FIVE FOOT GORILLA IS NOT HAULING THE ROPE BACK UP THE MOUNTAIN.
…and then they jump off and ride a ginormous vampire bat (WITH FANGS) into the river, and then swim to shore, running through the jungle back to the gate, with KONG hot on their heels.
JACK: Your dress looks nice see-through.
ANN: That’s what the T-Rex said, too. And look what happened to HIM.
Skull Island, EVERYONE OFF!
ANN: IT’S OKAY. I’M BACK.
EVERYONE: …
ANN: …Aren’t you glad to see me at all?
PRESTON: Sorry, we’re a bit preoccupied with capturing the giant ape in order to bring him back to the city, so we can put him on display and make BIG BUCKS.
Which is when ANN realizes that she is, in fact, in love with a twenty-five foot gorilla.
ANN: Aw, hell.
The Ship of Sex, Out to Sea
KONG has been chloroformed half to death, and still insists on running into the water after ANN, who looks as if she’s about ready to blow JACK’s block away.
ANN: NOOOOOOOOO! DON’T HURT HIM! I LOVE HIM!
CAPTAIN VON SEX: Ann, I’m very sorry, but big bucks are more important than true love.
ANN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Alas, KONG goes unconscious and ANN is left, sobbing, in a random crew member’s arms. JACK swims out to rescue JIMMY, who got knocked out of the boat in KONG’s fury. The rest of the crew are dead.
CARL: …Well, the important thing is, WE’RE ALL SAFE.
EVERYONE: …
New York City, Much Less Emo
It is opening night of the Broadway show CARL has funded and produced, called KONG: THE EIGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD.
CARL: Ladies and gentlemen! I am here to tell you a story, about love. The love between an unemployed actress and a twenty-five foot gorilla. The truest love ever to come into existence. For, as the ancient Arab proverb read: “And lo, the beast looked upon the face of beauty, and was like, ‘Hot damn.’ And beauty was all, ‘Yeah, man, I know.’ And from that day forward, he was like, ‘YEAH YEAAAHHH!’ Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, KONG: THE EIGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD!
The curtain rises on KONG, who is chained to two pillars. A bunch of black dancers re-enact the hokey voodoo shit, in a way that is not racist at all. All seems to be going very well, if not politically correct, until an actress playing the part of ANN is offered to KONG as a virginal sacrifice.
KONG: BRUUUUUWAAHAHOHHHWAAAHUMAHUUUOUAWWAHHHHHHH!
Goodbye, theatre.
The Alley Formerly of Angst and Mooching, Now of Angelic Slo-Mo
After KONG has ripped apart the entire theatre, nearly killed JACK, and groped every blonde woman in the whole of New York City, ANN finally decides to make her appearance, clad in yet another see-through white dress. Framed by angelic light, she walks down the street.
MAN: You know, it’d be really good if she could, maybe…HURRY UP SO THE GORILLA DOESN’T EAT US ALIVE.
Five minutes later, and ANN is still walking.
MAN: ANY DAY NOW.
ANN: Hey, babe.
KONG: What’s up.
ANN: I really appreciate you tearing the city apart for me, but in the future, feel free to buy me roses, or something.
KONG: Sure thing.
Central Park
KONG takes ANN on a romantic date to Central Park, where he holds her in his hand as he slides around on the ice, the colorful lights of the city whirling past them, as a full orchestral score plays in the background, and somehow, this is not weird.
Until the army tank SHOOTS THEM UP.
ANN: Baby, next time, let’s go somewhere where THERE AREN’T PEOPLE ATTACKING US.
KONG: It’s on my To-Do List!
The Empire State Building
KONG has somehow managed to scale the entire Empire State Building while still holding on to ANN with one hand. This is all fine and dandy, and he is totally about to confess his love to her, but then freakin’ FIGHTER PLANES come and start to SHOOT THEM UP.
ANN: If ONE MORE PERSON shoots at us, I WILL BE TAKING NAMES.
KONG fights off the planes to the best of his ability, but he is no match for the power of BULLETS. Alas, he begins to fall off the tower to his dooooom.
ANN: Sob! No! You can’t die! I love you!
KONG: We would never work out, you know.
ANN: WHY NOT?!
KONG: Well, there’s the height thing, first of all.
ANN: Oh. Well, yes.
KONG: And the species thing.
ANN: Yes, that’s true.
KONG: GOODBYE, ANN. I ALWAYS LOVED YOU.
ANN: Even when you were swinging me on top of that mountain, over the pile of dead skeletons and leopard teeth?
KONG: …Yes. Even then.
He falls to his death. Woe.
ANN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
KONG: WOMAN. SUCK IT UP.
The Empire State Building, Two Minutes Later
JACK: …
ANN: …
JACK: …
ANN: …
JACK: …
ANN: …
JACK: …So this is awkward.
In Front of the Empire State Building
A horde of reporters and spectators have gathered around KONG’s lifeless body.
REPORTER #1: I wonder why he climbed up there. I mean, he must have known the planes were going to shoot him down.
REPORTER #2: He’s just a dumb animal! Didn’t know nothin’.
REPORTER #1: Still. I wonder why.
CARL: …Dude. She was Naomi Watts.
REPORTER #3 (wisely): It was beauty killed the beast.
CARL: Yeah, yeah, that’s what I’m SAYIN’.
Note: I don't feel that this is quite as funny as the Narnia one, mostly because I loved the actual film itself so much that it was hard to find things to make fun of. However, there are several bits in here that I'm really proud of, and I felt someone ought to make a parody of this film at one point or another, anyway.
King Kong
A parody
New York City, Being Emo
It is the Depression Era. Numerous people are starving, unemployed, and homeless, thereby ensuring that the audience realizes this is nothing at all like the New York City of today. However, there is one main difference, and that is that very bizzare but cheerful music is playing in the background.
BIZARRE BUT CHEERFUL BACKGROUND MUSIC: AND I SIT. ON TOP. OF THE WORRRRRRRRRRRLD. JUST SINGING A SONG. SIIIIIIIIIIIINGING A SONG.
THE PORTION OF THE AUDIENCE THAT HAS NEVER HEARD OF AL JOLSON: …
During this very strange montage, we see a vaudeville troupe performing, among them ANN DARROW, who is beautiful and blonde (even while wearing a fake moustache), thereby establishing her as the heroine of this film.
VAUDEVILLE TROUPER #1: I fear we’re going out of business.
ANN: No, not at all. It’ll pick up, you’ll see!
VAUDEVILLE TROUPER #2: I’m going to have to agree with #1 here.
ANN: No, this is just a lapse! Business will be back in bloom before you know it!
VAUDEVILLE TROUPER #3: …Ann, we’ve had to wear the same outfits for two months now, and we eat pea soup out of cans on the street.
ANN: LA LA LA I CAN’T HEAR YOU.
The Alley of Angst
ANN: Oh, Elderly Vaudeville Performer Who Probably Should Not Be Hurling Himself Around A Stage At Such An Age, you have been like a father to me all these years I have been involved with the vaudeville troupe. I appreciate that more than I could ever possibly hope to express, seeing as everyone else in my life has left me to fend for myself.
ELDERLY VAUDEVILLE PERFORMER: Excellent. Are you done establishing your character now?
ANN: Yes. Want to take me out to dinner at the soup kitchen?
The Movie Preview Room of Foreign Jungle Expeditions (and Boobies)
PATRON #1: Carl, how many more reels of film are left?
CARL DENHAM: Five, sir.
THE AUDIENCE: SHIT, I THOUGHT JACK BLACK WAS PLAYING THE MONKEY!
PATRON #1: Too long. We’re scrapping this piece of crap.
CARL: Wait, sir! I have an idea that just may change your mind.
PATRON #1: HA.
CARL: Imagine, if you will, an island.
PATRON #1: Okay.
CARL: Are you picturing it?
PATRON #1: Yes.
CARL: Palm trees, sandy beach, abundant nudist colonies, everything?
PATRON #1: Yes.
CARL: Now picture that…but better. More mysterious. An island shrouded in ominous fog. An island uncharted on any map, undiscovered by man…UNTIL NOW.
PATRON #2: Will there be boobies?
CARL: Beyond your wildest dreams.
PATRON #2: Aw, fund the damn project.
PATRON #1: Excuse us for a minute, Carl.
The Car Ride of You Just Did WHAT?
TOM HANKS’ DORKTASTIC SON, PRESTON: You just did WHAT?
CARL: I did not do anything. However, I am about to escape the city, and then the country, on an illegal boat ride, and inadvertently kidnap the cast, the crew, the writer, and you by doing so, in order to shoot my movie on the island previously discussed.
PRESTON: OH MY GOD.
CARL: Don’t lie. You’re impressed.
Meanwhile…
The vaudeville theatre has been closed down. NYC was feeling particularly emo that day.
ANN: OH GOD NO MY LIFE.
ELDERLY VAUDEVILLE PERFORMER: Aw. Here, have some pea soup.
The Alley Formerly of Angst, Now of Serious Mooching Business
ANN begins hitting up the PRODUCER of JACK DRISCOLL’s new play, in order to get some work.
ANN: Hey, baby.
PRODUCER: Go away.
ANN: I can go other places, baby. Places you’d never even imagined.
PRODUCER: Sorry, I’ve got work to do.
ANN: I could do work. Tonight. In your pants.
PRODUCER: Goodbye, Ann.
ANN: YOU WON’T BE SAYING THAT AFTER I’M THROUGH WITH YOU.
PRODUCER: Aw, man, now that was just sad. Here, this is the card for the new hooker stripper place that just opened down the block.
ANN: The what?
PRODUCER: Oh, I’m sorry. The house of sexually experienced women who derive great pleasure and big bucks from removing their clothes in front of old men, generally with a pole involved.
ANN: Thank you.
The House of Aforementioned Women
ANN: Oh, HELL NO.
The Market Place of Theft
In a subtle tribute to Fay Wray (and her hat), ANN’s hunger gets the better of her and she steals an apple from a nearby marketplace.
OWNER: I’LL HAVE YOU WHIPPED FOR THAT. And you’ll like it.
ANN: OH MY GOD.
CARL: Oh, miss? I believe you dropped this money. The fact that I am pulling it out of my pocket RIGHT NOW is merely an illusion.
ANN: Buy me dinner, and I’ll bear your children.
CARL: Done deal.
The Restaurant of Face-Stuffing and Yet More Character Establishment
CARL sits and twiddles his thumbs while ANN stuffs her face.
CARL: So…
ANN: Mr. Denham, you should *snarfle* know that *growl* I am not *munch* in the habit of *crunch* accepting charity *horf chew* from strangers *swallow*.
CARL: I see. Say, you wouldn’t happen to be a size four, would you?
ANN: …
CARL: What? Oh, god, no, nothing like that, Clarice - I mean, Ann, sorry, Ann. It’s just that I’m this huge, famous, big-budget movie producer, and, you know, our leading lady just quit on us, and you look like the exact same size as her, thus ensuring that you would probably fit into her costumes, and I was wondering if you would be interested in coming to shoot my new smash-hit, box-office-gold picture.
ANN: Carl, my acting career consists of lesbian sex scenes and cursed videotapes.
CARL: And going down on Sean Penn.
ANN: Oh. Well, yes, there was that.
CARL: See? You’d be perfect for the role!
ANN: I don’t know, Mr. Denham. What exactly is this role?
CARL: A beautiful, talented, Australian girl who has spent her days doing low-budget horror flicks, until one day, a crazy batshit movie director plucks her out of thin air, and she becomes an instant star over night. There’s a couple of sex scenes in there, too.
ANN: Oh, but Mr. Denham, it isn’t about the sex. It’s about the heart. The passions. The emotions. The perseverance. The determination. It’s about making it in an industry where only looking exactly like everyone else will get you anywhere, and being blessed and crafty enough to use that talent. It’s about love of the profession. And love itself.
CARL: God, you’re more emo than this entire city.
ANN: Thank you.
CARL: Now come on, because I don’t think the audience can go much longer without seeing Adrien Brody!
THE AUDIENCE: …I THOUGHT HE WAS PLAYING THE GORILLA, TOO.
The Ship of Sex
CARL: Here, Ann, let me introduce you to the crew! Tom Hanks’ dorktastic son, Preston.
PRESTON: Hey, what’s up.
CARL: Bruce, the diva.
BRUCE: I’d shake your hand, but I just finished grooming my moustache.
CARL: Jimmy, the child actor turned groovy.
JIMMY: *emo’s*
CARL: Hayes, the bewilderingly pointless father figure and our racial diversity back-up.
HAYES: Boy, stop emoing with that damn face of yours.
CARL: Lumpy, the cook.
LUMPY: MY PRECIOUSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
CARL: Max, the cameraman who would never, in a thousand years, be the first killed off when trouble should arise.
MAX: HEY.
CARL: And, last but most certainly not least, Captain Von Sex.
CAPTAIN VON SEX: Pleasure to make your acquaintance, my dear.
ANN: Ooooooh.
CAPTAIN VON SEX: Are you nervous?
ANN: Nervous? About what?
CAPTAIN VON SEX: Embarking upon this illicit voyage to an uncharted, probably haunted island, with a megalomaniacal movie producer constantly on your ass every hour of every second of every day of this voyage.
ANN: …
CARL: UM, WE HAVE TO GO NOW. ANCHORS AWAY!
The Cabin of Craftiness
JACK: Carl, I’ve written you your script.
CARL: Jack, this is fifteen pages long.
JACK: Yeah, but it’s GOOD. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have the most important theatrical meeting of my life to make, so if we could hurry up so I could get off the ship before it leaves, I would truly appreciate that.
CARL: Absolutely. But first, let me write you a check for two thousand dollars.
JACK: Clearly, nothing is amiss.
The Ship of Sex, Ten Miles Out to Sea
JACK: OOOHHWARRRRGGAHABRUMAHOOOOMWAHHHHHHHH!
The Cabin Hatch of Kink
HAYES is leading JACK down to the cabin hatch of kink in order to give him sleeping accommodations for the night.
HAYES: So which cage do you want to sleep in tonight, Jack? Lion? Bear? Sumatrian Rat Monkey?
JACK: …I’m good, thanks. Say, why are all these cages down here, anyway?
JIMMY appears out of nowhere in order to knock open a door containing ten thousand trillion bottles of ginormous chloroform.
JACK: …
HAYES: Captain Von Sex specializes in exotic live animal capture.
JACK: Oh, thank god.
HAYES: But we do get bored sometimes.
JACK: Gulp.
The Dining Hall of Awkward First Meetings
ANN mistakes a nerdy-looking technician for ADRIEN BRODY.
ANN: I admire your work so much…that piano thing? I cried like a baby. And the village! I could not get over your performance for weeks afterwards. I am constantly awed and inspired by your talent. And, just between the two of us, I have to say, I’m so glad your nose doesn’t really look like that in real life. I was so afraid it would, you know. And I always thought you were going to be one of those pompous, worldly actors who wouldn’t even give you the time of day if you asked for it -
JACK has come out of his cage and is standing behind ANN.
CARL: Hey, Ann…?
JACK: Oh, no, don’t ask her to turn around, please. She might die at the sight of my nose.
ANN: OH CRAP.
The Cabin Hatch of Kink
JACK: So, basically, you’re keeping me in this cage until I cough up a script for you?
CARL: That’s about the way of it, yeah.
JACK: Sigh.
CARL: Oh, it could be worse.
JACK: Well, you weren’t down here last night when Hayes broke out the chloroform.
CARL: Yikes.
JACK: Precisely. Where are we headed, anyway?
CARL: Sorry, I can’t divulge that information.
JACK: …Carl, I’m going to need to know the name of the location we’re shooting on.
CARL: Promise you won’t freak out?
JACK: I promise.
CARL: Cross your heart and hope to die?
JACK: Cross my heart and hope to die.
CARL: Well, it’s called ‘Skull Island’, and it hasn’t been discovered yet, and it’s rumored that a man-eating monster resides there and is especially partial to blonde virginal sacrifices.
JACK: Oh. Well, it could be worse.
JIMMY (eavesdropping): OH MY GOD.
The Recreation Room of Mutiny
CARL and PRESTON are sitting at a table, poring over a map CARL has procured of Skull Island.
HAYES (from the right): Fine weather tonight, isn’t it, Lumpy?
LUMPY (from the left): Why, indeed it is, Mr. Hayes. For a mutiny.
CARL: We’ll just be going now.
JIMMY (from the back): Oh, I don’t think so.
PRESTON: MY DAD WILL KICK ALL YOUR ASSES.
JIMMY: Suck it, pretty boy.
PRESTON: Yes, sir.
HAYES: So what’s all this about a Skull Island, Mr. Denham?
LUMPY: I’ve heard about that place. A couple of years ago, we picked up a man who was floating on the ocean, half-dead, traumatized beyond human imagination, and he told us stories about that place, stories about a man-eating monster; stories that would make you sick to your stomach and your hair stand on end. His screams in the night still haunt our dreams. Not a single member of our crew has ever forgotten him.
CARL: Your point being…?
LUMPY: He committed suicide the next day.
PRESTON: OH GOD.
CARL: I’m sorry, gentlemen. You’ll have to do better than that. Monsters belong in B-movies.
Somewhere Out on Skull Island
KING KONG: O RLY?
The Montage Aboard the Ship of Sex
Filming of CARL’s picture progresses. BRUCE mooches, JACK writes, ANN and JIMMY attempt Irish dancing, and JACK hits up ANN. Or her legs. Whichever.
The Cabin of Hook-Ups
JACK: Here, Ann, I wrote you a play.
ANN: Well, that’s silly. Why would you do something like that?
JACK: ...Isn’t it obvious?
ANN: …No.
JACK: It’s in the subtext.
ANN: I’m sorry, I don’t quite understand that.
JACK: I’m in love with you, Ann.
ANN: I’m sorry?
JACK: I hopelessly and ardently adore you, Ann.
ANN: …
JACK: I WANT TO GET IN YOUR SINFULLY UGLY TRENCHCOAT DRESS. RIGHT. NOW.
ANN: Ohhhhh.
And then there is sex.
The Ship of Sex Upon the Sea
The ship has abruptly run into a giant wall of fog and the compasses have stopped working. Clearly, nothing is amiss.
The Ship of Sex Upon the Sea, Five Minutes and Several Tidal Waves Later
EVERYONE: YEEEEEEEEAARRGHGHGOAUREOUAGHGHAGHAHALSRAEWWWAHAHHHHH!
Skull Island
CARL: So our ship has fifteen giant holes in it, thirty crew members are dead, and we’re stranded on an uncharted island with numerous sharp rocks. So what I’m saying is…things could have been much, much worse.
The Ship of Sex Upon the Numerous Sharp Rocks
CAPTAIN VON SEX: All right, here’s the plan! We get this ship patched up by tonight, and we sail back to New York, where we turn in Carl Denham for his arrest, and we never speak of this expedition ever again.
JIMMY: Ah, sir? Carl and his crew are already on the island.
CAPTAIN VON SEX: OH, VATEVAAA.
Skull Island
CARL: Step lightly and quickly. If we hurry, they won’t even notice we were gone!
ANN: Hey, Carl? I’m feeling a little uneasy about the skulls and the skeletons with pikes through their eyes.
CARL: Ann, if you’re going to be in this profession, you have got to learn to suck it up.
Skull Island, New Home of the Exorcist
They encounter a native child, who is able to rearrange the bones in his fingers at will, but is apparently unable to eat Nestle’s chocolate.
CARL: Kid, I have tried to be nice. I have tried to be patient. But I shall say this, and I shall say it for the last time, TAKE THE GODDAMN CHOCOLATE.
And he might have, only the NERDY TECHNICIAN is impaled through the chest with a spear at that very moment.
ANN: YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHH!
Mistaking ANN for a local banshee, all of the NATIVES come out of their hiding place, bash several crew members’ heads in, and freak ANN’s shit out, before CAPTAIN VON SEX and the rest arrive to save the day.
CAPTAIN VON SEX: Are you ready to come back to the cage now, Jack?
JACK: Yes, sir.
A Dark and Stormy Night Upon the Ship of Sex
JACK: Phew, I’m so glad that’s over! How is everyone?
CAPTAIN VON SEX: Well, you have a mild concussion, Carl is more determined than ever to shoot this film, and Preston is having a nervous breakdown in the bathroom next door.
JACK: Well, that’s all right.
CAPTAIN VON SEX: Oh, and I thought I saw a native sneak on to the ship and kidnap Ann, but I’m not entirely sure about that.
JACK: WHAT?!
Skull Island
ANN: I TOLD YOU! I’M NOT FAY WRAY!
NATIVE #1: Oh, we know that.
ANN: Then why am I here?
NATIVE #2: Well, the ruler of our island, Kong, demands a sacrifice every year, and is exceptionally partial to women.
ANN: TAKE PRESTON!
NATIVE #2: Blonde women.
ANN: I’m sure he could dye his hair.
NATIVE #2: Who have willingly starred in bad sequels to overpriced horror flicks.
ANN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
The Ship of Sex
JACK: We have to save her! We have to get her back! I love her!
EVERYONE: …
JACK: If not for me, then for DIGNITY. For JUSTICE. For CHIVALRY. We will STORM that island, and we will take NONE of their hokey voodoo shit, and we will RESCUE Ann, and we will be HEROES.
EVERYONE: …
JACK: I’ll throw in a night with me and the cage and the chloroform, too.
Skull Island, Sacrificial Virgin Paradise
The natives have bitch-slapped ANN, tied her to some giant hanging thing, and put a necklace of leopard teeth around her neck. And now there is an ominous rustling in the trees.
ANN: Hey…should I be worried? I mean, I’m hanging fifty thousand feet above the ground, I have leopard teeth digging into my neck, but now there’s something coming through the jungle, and…hey, guys? Why are you all hiding?
KONG: Hey, baby.
ANN: YEWAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHWEOHAAARRRRRGHHHHHHHH!!!!!
Skull Island, Sacrificial Virgin Paradise, Several Minutes Later
JACK: I realize that, by now, the woman I love is probably monkey chow. But we will still press on, instead of wisely abandoning this whole futile expedition and sailing the hell back to New York City, where there are no hokey voodoo natives and everyone loves Nestle’s chocolate. …But then we would not have a plot. And so I say: ONWARD!
CAPTAIN VON SEX: If we don’t find her within 24 hours, we sail the hell back to New York.
The Jungle. OF DEATH.
KONG is harumphing and pounding through the jungle, ANN clutched in his fist, who alternates between fainting and screaming and doing some weird thing that is either a moan or a grunt, we are not quite sure which just yet. He pauses at the top of a scary-looking mountain and begins swinging ANN back and forth while thumping his chest, snarling, snorting, and howling. As if this were not enough, there are a bunch of skeletons with leopard teeth necklaces laying at the bottom of the mountain.
ANN: YEEEEEEARRRGGAHHHWAHHHHHHH!
KONG: BOOOOWAHHHRUUUUUOOGABOOGABOOOOOO!
ANN: UUUUUUUUUUHHHAHAAHHHOHHHHHHHHH!
KONG: RAAAWWRRROOOBAAAHDOOOBADOOOOOOO!
ANN: AAAAHHHWAHHHHUUUHOHHHHHHHHH!
KONG: GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOBADOOBADEEDOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
ANN: Everybody was KUNG-FU FIGHTING!
She stabs KONG with her leopard teeth necklace. He drops her, and she goes running across the skeletons and the leopard teeth and the mud and the thorns and the sticks and the bugs. KONG’s fist begins to look slightly more comfortable, which is why she stops the weird grunt-moaning thing when he picks her back up.
KONG: BOOOORUMMMAWAHOOOOMWOOOBOOGAHHHHHH!
ANN: Oh, whatever.
Kong’s Lair
KONG takes her to his jungle treehouse cave thing. Keeping her wits about her, ANN begins to perform her vaudeville tricks for him.
ANN: AND I SIT. ON TOP. OF THE WORRRRRRRRRRLD. JUST SINGING A SOOOOOOONG. SINGING A SOOOOOOOOONG.
KONG: Is this supposed to impress me?
Bored with her antics (because everyone can juggle twigs and breakdance, man), he begins to push her over numerous times, until she finally gets annoyed at being beat up by a MAN.
ANN: STOP IT.
KONG: I’m sorry, I don’t understand that.
ANN: NO.
KONG: I’m sorry, could you repeat that, please?
ANN: BACK OFF, MOTHERFUCKER.
KONG: OH NO YOU DID NOT.
ANN: GO TO YOUR ROOM.
KONG: EXCUSE ME?
ANN: YOU HEARD ME.
KONG: YOU BETTER WATCH YOURSELF, GIRL. I CAN THROW YOU BACK TO THE HOKEY VOODOO NATIVES ANY TIME I WANT.
ANN: YOUR FACE IS UGLY.
Shocked and offended that a girl just totally shot him down, KONG proceeds to have a hissy fit, destroying half the island in the process.
ANN: Oh, how like a man.
Skull Island, Virgin Search Day One
JACK and the crew have only been on their search for ANN for several hours, and already they are taking a break.
JIMMY: Hey, Jack? You’re sitting in a GIANT footprint.
JACK: LORD ALMIGHTY.
LUMPY: There’s only one creature that could have made a footprint this big.
EVERYONE: WHAT?!
LUMPY: …The Abominable Snowman.
EVERYONE: …
Skull Island, the Land Before Time
CARL has led BRUCE and MAX to the end of the valley, and is shooting a scene for his film. This would not be a problem, only this scene happens to involve ten thousand brachiosaurus things.
BRUCE: So…you want me…to go up…and pet one of them?
CARL: Yes! Just for a second!
BRUCE: And I want to know…are you batshit?
CARL: Yes! Just for a second!
MAX: Carl, I really don’t think is such a good idea.
CARL: Oh, what could possibly happen to us, in the middle of an unexplored island, at the edge of a valley full of creatures thought to be extinct several hundred billion years ago?
Skull Island, the Land Before Time, Ten Minutes, Several Corpses, and an Avalanche of Dinosaurs Later
CARL: So, what I’m saying is…it could have been much, much worse.
Kong’s Lair
KONG is giving ANN the silent treatment. She takes the hint and runs off through the jungle, missing the rescue party by about two seconds, several cliffs, and a thousand feet. The rescue party, meanwhile, has positioned themselves outside the cave part of KONG’s jungle treehouse cave thing. HAYES is the only one crazy enough to take out a gun and shoot blindly into the cave.
HAYES: Jimmy, when he comes out and totally busts a cap in my ass, which he will do, without question, I want you to run.
JIMMY: Way ahead of you.
KONG does, indeed, come out, and totally busts a cap in HAYES’ ass.
JIMMY: NOOOOO! I DIDN’T MEAN IT! FATHAAAAAAA!
JACK: It’s okay, Jimmy. Sometimes, people get killed by giant gorillas. It’s all a part of life.
Skull Island’s Greatest Feature: The Giant Log Perfect for Tipping a Rescue Party Off of!
JACK: THIS, HOWEVER, IS NOT A PART OF LIFE.
Skull Island, the Land Before Time
ANN continues running through the jungle, and it almost seems as if she will make it back to the coast in time to, like, man the ship herself and sail the hell back to New York, because she is totally hardcore enough to do that. Or something. But this idea is all blown to hell, of course, when she encounters a giant dinosaur eating another one.
ANN: Oh, this can’t be good.
DINOSAUR: RAWR.
ANN: YEEEEEARRRGAHHWUUHAAHHHHH!
A mad chase ensues, but ANN, resourceful as ever, crawls into a log and successfully eludes her predator.
ANN: Ah, safe at last!
Until the dinosaur totally chomps its way through.
ANN: AAAAWUUHAAAHOHHHWAAHHHHHHHH!
Fortunately for her, the dinosaur is abruptly killed.
ANN: Ahhh.
But then a centipede crawls inside her mouth.
ANN: WAAAAAAAAHUOUUHHWAHHAOHWEOIRURUUUGGGHAWWAHHHH!
This is too much for even her to handle, and so she runs out of the log, only to be chased down the ravine and through the jungle by an even bigger dinosaur.
THE AUDIENCE: Oh, come on.
She hides behind another log, because we all know how well that served her the last time. Surprisingly enough, however, the dinosaur cannot see through logs, and goes away.
ANN: Phew.
But another dinosaur pops up behind her.
THE AUDIENCE: OH, COME ON!
Skull Island, the Land Before Time: Ultimate Showdown
After nearly having half her body chewed off by the dinosaur, ANN falls off a log and is rescued by KONG, who proceeds to fight off the three dinosaurs, while expertly managing to keep ANN just out of reach of carnivorous teeth. And then they all fall off a cliff.
ANN: UUUUUUWHAHHHYEEAARRGAHHHWOHHHHHHH!
KONG: It’s okay, Ann! Keep yourself together! Grab onto that vine!
ANN: YAAAAAWAEEHEHHOHHHGARUUUUUUUUUU!
KONG: Just hold on, Ann! Let me take out the other two dinosaurs!
ANN: AAAAAAAHHEEEWAHHHUUOOHHHAAAAAA!
KONG: WOMAN, I AM THE ONE FIGHTING OFF THE GENETICALLY MUTATED T-REXES. NOW SHUT UP AND GRAB THE GODDAMN VINE. ARE WE CLEAR?
ANN: Yes, sir.
KONG: GOOD.
While KONG fights off the crazy-ass T-REXES, ANN does some funky Tarzan shit on the vines, and eventually ends up riding the T-REX’s jaw, before plummeting both of them into the lake below.
ANN: YEAAAAAAAAAAWHWHAHRURUOGAAHHH!
KONG: WHAT DID I TELL YOU?
ANN: Aaaahhhhh.
After getting just wet enough for visible boobies, ANN runs out of the lake, but soon finds herself cornered by the T-REX.
ANN: Hey. Look. Can’t we just solve this in a civilized manner?
T-REX: What?
ANN: You don’t like me. And I don’t like you. But I’m sure we can settle this like normal genetically mutated dinosaurs and vaudeville actresses. Don’t you agree?
T-REX: Well, I suppose…
ANN: Great! I’m just going to go now.
KONG: I WILL KICK YOUR ASS.
T-REX: OH, YOU LIE.
And then they fight, which is really just a one-sided thing, as KONG tears out the T-REX’s tongue, snaps its jaw in two, and then bashes its face in.
T-REX (dying): REMEMBER ME AS A PEACE-MAKER.
KONG: Yeah, yeah, we’ll build a monument, WHATEVER.
The T-REX dies and KONG pounds his chest, roaring loud enough to alert everyone on the island to the exact location of where he and ANN are.
ANN: OH, MY HERO.
KONG (brushing off shoulders): All in a day’s work.
Skull Island, The Ravine of Genetically Mutated Insects
HAYES is dead, CARL’s camera is dead, JIMMY has a concussion, and the Chinese man is dead.
LUMPY: WE ARE ALL DOOMED.
And then they are all attacked by giant slugworms and ants with chompers, and JIMMY has to blow them all away with a machine gun, resulting in a gooey mess of exploding insect parts.
MAN IN THE AUDIENCE: Hey, I’m going to go get some ice cream and a Snickers…you guys want anything?
Kong’s Lair
KONG brings ANN back to his jungle treehouse thing, and they watch a sunset together.
ANN: So…we never really did get a chance to talk.
KONG: Maybe because you always FREAKED OUT whenever I came near you.
ANN: Yeah. Sorry about that.
KONG: And that weird grunt-moaning thing. That always pissed me off.
ANN: I’m sorry. I’ll work on that. Oh, and you need to stop with the hissyfits, man.
KONG: I don’t believe our relationship has quite yet reached the point where you can make such demands of me.
ANN: All right.
They continue to watch the sunset. ANN, who has obviously never stepped out of her own house before in her life, is overcome by the loveliness of the sunset, and teaches KONG the sign language term for “beautiful”.
JANE GOODALL: OH HELL NO, BITCH.
Skull Island
After JIMMY has successfully shot a giant ant off of JACK’s crotch, CAPTAIN VON SEX and the rest show up, happily shooting the rest of the bugs into oblivion, but not before LUMPY is devoured by a giant slugworm and the entire audience is traumatized for the rest of their natural existences.
CAPTAIN VON SEX: So I guess we’re all ready to go back to the ship now?
EVERYONE: YES.
JACK: Well, I’m going to go and look for Ann some more.
EVERYONE: …
CAPTAIN VON SEX: Are you batshit?
CARL: Well, think about it this way: he gets the girl, the girl gets the gorilla, thus, by the transitive property, you get the gorilla.
CAPTAIN VON SEX: I don’t know about this…
CARL: Well, what else are you going to do with all that chloroform?
CAPTAIN VON SEX: Touche.
Kong’s Lair
JACK bravely travels to KONG’s jungle treehouse cave thing, eluding ginormous vampire bats (WITH FANGS) along the way. He climbs to the top of the mountain and finds ANN asleep in KONG’s strategically placed paw.
JACK: Fine. I see how it is.
ANN: Jack?
JACK: You know, if you want to stay with the gorilla, feel free and all. I’m sure you two would be very happy together. You could fight off dinosaurs every morning and eat ginormous vampire bats with fangs for lunch and hang out with the hokey voodoo natives in the evenings -
ANN: OH MY GOD, PLEASE TAKE ME BACK.
JACK: Ah, yes, I thought that might be the case. Here, let me reach across to you in dramatic slow-motion.
KONG: I think not.
ANN: GRAHHHHH RUN! YOU DON’T EVEN WANT TO KNOW WHAT HE DID TO THE LAST GUY WHO TOUCHED ME!
Of course, JACK manages to rescue ANN, because he is Adrien Brody, and he is bad-ass. He makes some sort of rope out of vines that just happened to be lying around, and then he climbs down with ANN on his back…
JACK: Hey, you know, feel free to put your legs around me or whatever.
ANN: Maybe we can discuss sex in crisis situations when the TWENTY-FIVE FOOT GORILLA IS NOT HAULING THE ROPE BACK UP THE MOUNTAIN.
…and then they jump off and ride a ginormous vampire bat (WITH FANGS) into the river, and then swim to shore, running through the jungle back to the gate, with KONG hot on their heels.
JACK: Your dress looks nice see-through.
ANN: That’s what the T-Rex said, too. And look what happened to HIM.
Skull Island, EVERYONE OFF!
ANN: IT’S OKAY. I’M BACK.
EVERYONE: …
ANN: …Aren’t you glad to see me at all?
PRESTON: Sorry, we’re a bit preoccupied with capturing the giant ape in order to bring him back to the city, so we can put him on display and make BIG BUCKS.
Which is when ANN realizes that she is, in fact, in love with a twenty-five foot gorilla.
ANN: Aw, hell.
The Ship of Sex, Out to Sea
KONG has been chloroformed half to death, and still insists on running into the water after ANN, who looks as if she’s about ready to blow JACK’s block away.
ANN: NOOOOOOOOO! DON’T HURT HIM! I LOVE HIM!
CAPTAIN VON SEX: Ann, I’m very sorry, but big bucks are more important than true love.
ANN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
Alas, KONG goes unconscious and ANN is left, sobbing, in a random crew member’s arms. JACK swims out to rescue JIMMY, who got knocked out of the boat in KONG’s fury. The rest of the crew are dead.
CARL: …Well, the important thing is, WE’RE ALL SAFE.
EVERYONE: …
New York City, Much Less Emo
It is opening night of the Broadway show CARL has funded and produced, called KONG: THE EIGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD.
CARL: Ladies and gentlemen! I am here to tell you a story, about love. The love between an unemployed actress and a twenty-five foot gorilla. The truest love ever to come into existence. For, as the ancient Arab proverb read: “And lo, the beast looked upon the face of beauty, and was like, ‘Hot damn.’ And beauty was all, ‘Yeah, man, I know.’ And from that day forward, he was like, ‘YEAH YEAAAHHH!’ Ladies and gentlemen, I present to you, KONG: THE EIGHTH WONDER OF THE WORLD!
The curtain rises on KONG, who is chained to two pillars. A bunch of black dancers re-enact the hokey voodoo shit, in a way that is not racist at all. All seems to be going very well, if not politically correct, until an actress playing the part of ANN is offered to KONG as a virginal sacrifice.
KONG: BRUUUUUWAAHAHOHHHWAAAHUMAHUUUOUAWWAHHHHHHH!
Goodbye, theatre.
The Alley Formerly of Angst and Mooching, Now of Angelic Slo-Mo
After KONG has ripped apart the entire theatre, nearly killed JACK, and groped every blonde woman in the whole of New York City, ANN finally decides to make her appearance, clad in yet another see-through white dress. Framed by angelic light, she walks down the street.
MAN: You know, it’d be really good if she could, maybe…HURRY UP SO THE GORILLA DOESN’T EAT US ALIVE.
Five minutes later, and ANN is still walking.
MAN: ANY DAY NOW.
ANN: Hey, babe.
KONG: What’s up.
ANN: I really appreciate you tearing the city apart for me, but in the future, feel free to buy me roses, or something.
KONG: Sure thing.
Central Park
KONG takes ANN on a romantic date to Central Park, where he holds her in his hand as he slides around on the ice, the colorful lights of the city whirling past them, as a full orchestral score plays in the background, and somehow, this is not weird.
Until the army tank SHOOTS THEM UP.
ANN: Baby, next time, let’s go somewhere where THERE AREN’T PEOPLE ATTACKING US.
KONG: It’s on my To-Do List!
The Empire State Building
KONG has somehow managed to scale the entire Empire State Building while still holding on to ANN with one hand. This is all fine and dandy, and he is totally about to confess his love to her, but then freakin’ FIGHTER PLANES come and start to SHOOT THEM UP.
ANN: If ONE MORE PERSON shoots at us, I WILL BE TAKING NAMES.
KONG fights off the planes to the best of his ability, but he is no match for the power of BULLETS. Alas, he begins to fall off the tower to his dooooom.
ANN: Sob! No! You can’t die! I love you!
KONG: We would never work out, you know.
ANN: WHY NOT?!
KONG: Well, there’s the height thing, first of all.
ANN: Oh. Well, yes.
KONG: And the species thing.
ANN: Yes, that’s true.
KONG: GOODBYE, ANN. I ALWAYS LOVED YOU.
ANN: Even when you were swinging me on top of that mountain, over the pile of dead skeletons and leopard teeth?
KONG: …Yes. Even then.
He falls to his death. Woe.
ANN: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
KONG: WOMAN. SUCK IT UP.
The Empire State Building, Two Minutes Later
JACK: …
ANN: …
JACK: …
ANN: …
JACK: …
ANN: …
JACK: …So this is awkward.
In Front of the Empire State Building
A horde of reporters and spectators have gathered around KONG’s lifeless body.
REPORTER #1: I wonder why he climbed up there. I mean, he must have known the planes were going to shoot him down.
REPORTER #2: He’s just a dumb animal! Didn’t know nothin’.
REPORTER #1: Still. I wonder why.
CARL: …Dude. She was Naomi Watts.
REPORTER #3 (wisely): It was beauty killed the beast.
CARL: Yeah, yeah, that’s what I’m SAYIN’.
Note: I don't feel that this is quite as funny as the Narnia one, mostly because I loved the actual film itself so much that it was hard to find things to make fun of. However, there are several bits in here that I'm really proud of, and I felt someone ought to make a parody of this film at one point or another, anyway.