Suspended in Gaffa: Engine Heart (13)
She spends 15 minutes trying to figure out whose eyes (or blue of the eyes) are more appealing to her.
Lily sits on the bed; Kaya on the dresser. Kat stumbles in between them.
“Kat?” Lily says it through trying to keep her eyes open, “Whatthefuck are you doing?”
Kat breaks her stare with Kaya’s eyes, “Shhh. I have to figure this out.”
“But I want to dance. Like cows. I want to dance like cows. Is that weird?” Lily touches her nose; drags it down her face.
Kaya unsteadily hops up from the dresser, “Yesh, but I think that everyone wants to be a cow,” She grabs the surprised Kat, “Don’t you Baby Frodo?”
Kat lets her head roll back, “Kaya! I told you. No more Frodo. I’m-I’m like done with Frodo. We broke up.”
Kaya giggles; falls backwards from Kat, hits the ground with a thump.
“And you call me queen of the floor?” Kat snaps around to Lily; leans in, rests her hands on Lily’s knees.
Lily slowly (mind you very slowly) winks, “Kitty, let’s dance. Lets dance the Rhumba.”
“Do you-even know, erm, how to dance the Rhumba?”
“No.”
Kaya grabs Kat’s hand, pulls herself up, “Let’s do a three way rhumba.”
“Deal.” Lily says, as she moves into Kat.
--
“CHANGE THE FUCKING SONG.” Kat screams over Keep Your Head Up, “I HATE THIS SONG.”
--
They settle on a song by LMFAO, much to Kat’s dismay, but it’s Lily and Kaya against Kat, so inevitably the fight is won.
--
It’s like a fucking ice cream sandwich, Kaya and Lily the chocolate on the outside, Kat the ice cream.
Lily is facing her, Kaya grinding up against her in the back. It’s stuffy, and slightly erotic when Lily halfway, and probably subconsciously rubs up against her leg. On top of that Kaya grabs her waist, starts stroking it. Suddenly Kat can’t feel anything except for her heart beating, and the icy warmth that is spreading outward and beyond.
It’s when her head starts spinning; Kat knows that she is properly fucked.
She tries to speak, instead says, “I haffto. Like, s-s-sit.”
Lily giggles, and Kat slinks out from between them; sits down on the bed. Watches as Kaya and Lily dance with each other.
Only remembers getting really turned on before everything just-well disappears.
--
“Morning sleepyhead.” Kaya rasps it.
Kat peers up at her from under the covers, mutters, “M’ning.”
“Sleep well?”
Kat reopens her eyes, glares at the grinning Kaya. Who then grabs her blackberry and proceeds to furiously type away.
“You don’t remember, do you?” She says after chucking the blackberry on the bed.
Kat covers her eyes, “Obviously no.”
“Heh.”
Kat garbles.
“It was fucking hilarious, you-“
“Kaya! Do not ruin it!” Lily calls from the other room, “We have to, well, like you know.”
Kat groans, falls back asleep.
--
She blinks a few times, and then screams when Lily’s face is right in hers.
“It’s four Kat. Get the fuck up.”
--
It takes her an hour to shower, get dressed, and eat. She re-enters the bedroom, asks “What?” to the sitting Kaya and Lily (who, in Kat’s honest opinion, look like two male toddlers eagerly awaiting their prizes for God knows what).
The response is, “I think you should sit for this.”
Kaya pats the bed; Kat obliges.
--
There is a whole lot of giggling for the first minute of the video, and then there is-
Kat covers her eyes, “No, no, no, no. I am so not watching this.”
Kaya pins her down, Lily tugs her hands from her eyes, “You so are.”
--
“Kat what are you doing?” Lily asks from the other side of the camera.
Kat looks up from the floor; stops her digging, “I’m, like, trying to find fucking Narnia, but I can’t fucking find it.”
Lily snaps the camera back to a smoking and laughing Kaya, asks, “Kaya? How long has she been like this? Please, inform our viewers.”
Kat gives kudos to Lily sounding surprisingly sober, when the handmanship says otherwise.
Kaya, through giggling, “Iiii’d say about an half and hour?”
Lily brings the camera back to Kat, who has resumed digging, “Kitty, isn’t Narnia on the other side of an armoire?”
Kat sits up abruptly, “Shit, like, erm, you-You are so right.” She looks around frantically, “Where’s the armoire?”
Lily’s hand appears on the screen, points to the door, “On the other side, Kitty.”
Kat leaps up, looks a little bit like a little mouse, runs to the door; then stops short, “I want to dance.”
“Kitty, what about Narnia?” Lily brings the camera back to a now rolling-on-the-bed Kaya; brings it back to a stumbling Kat.
Kat starts dancing, proclaims, “Fuck Narnia.”
Lily giggles; stumbles closer to Kat, “Fuck Narnia?”
Kat grins; starts jumping up and down, “Yes! FUCK NARNIA.”
Lily snaps back to Kaya, who some how has moved to the floor now, “Didja hear that Kaya? Fuck Narnia.”
Kaya giggles, then staggers up to her feet, starts jumping with Kat, shouts, “FUCK NARNIA.”
Kat laughs, throws her arms over Kaya’s shoulders, “Fuck-Fuck, Fuck, Fuck, NARRRRNIIAAA.”
Lily sets the camera on the bed, facing all three of them.
Kat, again, in the middle, Lily on the right, Kaya on the left.
Kat starts shaking her head; Lily, her butt, and Kaya just starts spazzing.
“FUCK NARNIA.”
--
“Oh. My. God.” Kat squeals through spread out hands.
Lily looks at the camera, “No there is more.”
“Mother of Christ.”
--
She is swaying, eyes closed, to an imaginary song. The room is completely silent except for the loud fucking snores coming from Meg.
“When the fuck-Like, how-no when did Meg get there? And where is Meg?” Kat raises her eyebrows at Kaya.
Lily sits up again, grabs the camera, “Right. Forgot to show you that part.”
--
“Loveless, what the fuck is my sister doing?” Lily zooms the camera in on Meg’s face.
Kaya hops into frame-scratch that-hops onto Meg, “She’s dancing, Moo.”
Meg looks off behind the camera with a classic “What the fuck” Meg face, “Right. Well, can someone tell her that the chair is indeed not a human, and that, like, I don’t know, grinding up against it is… not healthy? Or something? Please?”
“Righto, Moo.” Lily hands the camera to Kaya; steals the cigarette. Kaya focuses on a very red and sweaty Kat literally grinding onto the awkwardly place chair in the room. Lily walks into frame, “Kat?”
“Hmm?” Kat continues to grind. Kaya snaps it back to Meg, who looks disgusted.
“Your twin, over yonder, wants me to tell you to stop grinding up against a chair.”
“Hmm.” Kat does not stop.
“Kitty? Are you listening?”
Kat stops grinding, looks to Lily, smiles, “Have you met-“ She looks to the chair, “Oh my god. I’m so sorry. I, erm, I forgot your name.” Kat bends over, places her ear to the chair, “I can’t, like, hear you. Sorry babe. Did you say Chelsea?”
Lily looks to camera, grinning wildly, “I’m selling this when she gets famous.”
“I get some commission. I did film. It. I filmed it well, I did.” Kaya states from behind the camera.
“What the fuck did you lot give her?” Meg asks.
“Um three bottles of Tequila between us, and then a few spliffs, and… some Dramamine.”
Kaya sets the camera down; focuses on Meg and Lily.
Meg starts laughing, “Dramamine? How did you manage to get that?”
Kaya skips in to frame, waving her hands, “Meeee.”
“Well, she’s properly fucked isn’t she?”
Kaya grins, tips over onto the bed, “Yep.”
“And you two as well?”
Lily nods.
“Where’s my share then?” Meg offers her hand to Lily.
Lily runs off; returns with a half empty bottle of tequila, “I think that’ll be enough for you, Prescott.”
--
“I can’t-Oh my god-That is so fucking not-Like, I can’t believe-Where in gods name is Meg?”
“Luke’s room.” Kaya gets off the bed, stretches.
Kat opens her mouth; closes it, can’t think of what to say.
Lily says it for her, “I was surprised too. Anyway next video?”
--
Meg, Kaya, and Lily are all bouncing around Kat, who is on the floor pretending to be some sort of animal.
“You were a puppy.” Kaya clarifies.
--
Kat is staring herself down in the mirror. She raises her hand, and watches in horror as her mirror image follows, “Can you tell this bitch to stop-to like cease with the mimicking? It’s well annoying.”
Meg starts laughing, joined in by Lily. Kaya walks up to Kat; steers her away from the mirror, whispers, “It’s okay, Baby Frodo. It’s okay.”
--
They are attempting to take a picture with a passed out Meg; Kat has sobered up a bit, and is the one to discover that they are, in fact, filming and not taking a picture.
“How the fuck do I turn it off?”
Kaya nuzzles her face into Kat’s, “Think it.”
“I don’t have telegrams Kaya.”
Lily rolls into frame, looks at Kat, “I’m pretty sure it’s telepathy, Kitty, not… telegrams.”
--
Kaya, verge of crying, proclaims to Kat that Kat is the best Frodo ever, and that Kaya never wants to loose her Frodo.
Then Kat starts promising that she’ll never loose Legolas either, that they’ll always be together, and Lily looks at bit downtrodden, as well as lost.
Kat jumps onto her, whispers that Lily’s always been Aragorn-a hot Aragorn-and that Kat won’t leave either of them.
--
“We have the most peculiar species here tonight, Ladies and Gents.” Kat zooms in on the sleeping Kaya and Lily. She starts giggling, brings the camera to her face, whispers, “Okay, like, here’s the plan. I have a magic sharpie. It’s blue, and erm, pretty, yeah? So, basically-like I’m going to brand them in a place where they’ll never expect.” She brings the camera around again, lifts up Kaya’s shirt to expose her ribs; writes Kathryn Prescott Property. Touch and Die. Does the exact same thing to Lily.
--
“I am well funny.” Kat snorts, as both Kaya and Lily lift up their shirts to find Kat’s tagging.
“I cannot believe-“
“Watch what you say scollywogs-you and Loveless filmed me the entire night-I think it’s fair-it’s fair that I get some revenge on, like, you guys.”
--
The ride home sucks.
--
There is a creepy ass man staring at her and Meg. Meg just looks at her, and starts giggling.
Doesn’t stop until Kat goes, “Luke then?”
Makes Meg almost gag on her tongue.
The rest of the train ride is silent.
And yet the man still stares.
--
They get home at nine.
Kat can’t help but wish it was a set, and they were still being filmed.
--
Finds some ice cream.
--
It’s sudden and painful when it hits Kat that filming is over. It’s like she’s a vampire, and night has ended, and she must return to her coffin. It sucks. When she arrives home, Kat feel likes she’s been hit with a few metal pans, almost comatose. Flops down on her bed, wishes someone else was there, cuddling her. Kaya or Lily. Both of them. Just holding her. Falls asleep to the beat of her own, lone, heart.
--
She wakes. Wants to talk to either one of the vixens.
--
Lily calls her in the morning.
“I’m seeing you at the wrap party right?” Lily’s voice crackles on the other end.
“’Course. Wouldn’t, like, miss it for the world.”
“Kay, good.” Kat can hear Lily moving shit around as she sits down.
“Lily?”
“Yeah, man?”
Kat wants to say it, say; “I’ll miss you, when this is all over. I love you, you know.” It’s sappy and sentimental, and strange timing. But still words fight with her metal studded tongue; heart beats a million times faster. Kat shakes her head, sighs in disbelief that she reacts over stupid words-but words-words make things real, believable, cemented. For once somebody means something to Kat, again; but what if those aren’t the right words for the right person. She wants it mean to something, not to be gone as quickly as a breath, but to stick, to elate. But it won’t. Not while Lily has a Will, and Kaya has a Jack, and somehow everybody has somebody, and Kat has nobody, just two bodies, and two twisted friendships. She struggles, within the sudden silence; with the possibility that it’s appropriate to say “I miss you”. It is, isn’t it? Friends say it; the words become throw away: “I love you”, “I miss you”, and “You mean so much to me”. But when other people say it, their voices won’t crack, and a rush of words won’t come streaming out like their mental filter has faded away; Kat’s will. So she swallows the “I’ll miss you”, replaces it with, “Um-so, I was meaning to ask you, what is your view on…cats?”
Lily laughs, “I’m hanging up now. See you next Sunday.”
--
She feels like she hasn’t seen her mum in months. Forgot about the creases in her forehead, and how her face always lights up when she sees Meg or Kat.
“Babes, you okay?” Mum places a cup of tea in front of Kat, “You look like you could use a little girl talk, eh?”
Kat smiles, cradles the cup between her hands, “Yeah.”
Her mum sits down across the table, “Go on, talk, KitKat.”
Kat purses her lips; shuts her eyes closed, “Have you ever-just not known? Like, you don’t know who you want, or what you want. Or if you only want one kind, but it doesn’t seem right, like in the future? If you want a family, how do you explain that? It’s not normal. And I’m not-that. I can’t be. I couldn’t deal with-the-the possibility that you just won’t get them? On top of that, not knowing who you’re not going to get? I can’t be that. It’s not possible in life, is it?”
Mum takes Kat’s hands in her own, “Kat, I have no idea what the bollocks you are going on about, but sweetie, you can be whatever that is. That’s life honey. You have to take the risks in order to live it to the fullest, yeah? And not knowing? Guess what? It’s part of growing up. Fuck, I’m fifty and I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing. If this is about boys, or… girls… you have to trust yourself enough to know that you’re fantastic enough that one of them will realize it, and get their shit together, yeah?”
--
Kat ventures upstairs; pauses by Meg’s door, wishes she could actually talk to her sister.
--
“MEG!” Kat screams it from downstairs, “WE ARE GOING TO BE LATE. HURRY YOUR FAT ASS UP.”
Smiles when she hears a loud thump; knows that Meg has probably met the ground trying to throw on a pair of her ridiculous shoes.
Then the stomping comes, and a mumbling Meg makes her way down the stairs, “We’ll be fine, Kathryn. For fucks sakes.”
“Well I’m sorry that, like, I don’t want to be late to our own wrap party. We’re not going to see these pe-”
“Kat-“ Meg turns to Kat, looks her dead in the eye “Have you ever heard of being fashionably late? It’s like a rule for parties.” Meg grabs her coat, storms out the door, “Jesus, you would think that you’ve never been to one before. Fucking retarded cunt.”
Waits for Meg to shuffle out the front door, “I guess I just don’t have to tell you about the after party then.”
She stares at the front door; makes the resolution to actually figure things out; to decide, to be, to love, to whatever the fuck she is feeling. Because 6 months of confusion is enough to last Kat a lifetime; so she makes three lists in her head, the pros and cons of both situation. Calculates, hesitates, manifests a destiny she’s ready for. Plays with her tongue stud whilst she quickly adds up the lists and decides; breathes in as she opens the door. Stares at a closed eyed Meg, red in the face, and yelling at the door, “ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME KAT? YOU YELLED AT ME? I COULD GROW A BEARD, AND HAVE THREE KIDS BY THE TIME YOU GET OUT HERE! I’M COUNTING TO-“
“Meg, I’m ready. Let’s go.”