Fic: Happy Days Are Here Again - 8/?
Title: Happy Days Are Here Again - 8/?
Pairing: Rachel/Finn, Strong Rachel/Kurt friendship.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Rachel Berry has a secret she wants to reveal but is far too afraid to do so.
Warnings: Transgendered Character, Transphobia,
AN: Previous chapters can be found here.
I spend a lot of my Winter Break at Kurt's house or working on new material for glee. I know the rumors about me being a boy are floating around town, but I ignore them. If Noah's reaction is any indication, then people don't believe the "farfetched" claim about me anyway. I try to be calm even though the idea of people knowing makes me want to faint again. I also wonder if this is the time to come out about it. I could be inspiring. I could also lose everything.
It's always been my dream to succeed on Broadway, to become famous. I want other things, of course. I want to meet the person I love, have kids some day, be content, but my Broadway dreams are the most important. Will there ever be a Broadway diva with a penis? Will there ever be a place for me among the greats who were born women? I sit at Kurt's when my cell rings. I look at it. "It's Finn," I say.
"He hasn't been around the house much," Kurt speculates. "Are you going to answer it?"
I don't know if I can answer it. I stare at the phone for the longest time, but then I answer it quickly, making the decision as I act. "Hello Finn," I say.
"Rachel, I saw what Jacob posted about you," he says softly. "I just wanted to make sure that you were okay. I mean, is there anything I can do?"
I'm quiet for a moment.
"I don't think that anyone is going to believe it," I say quietly. "I also don't hold popularity quite as closely to my heart as you have in the past. It'll all turn out okay in the end." I look at Kurt, who heads to the kitchen out of politeness. "I'm at your house. Where are you?"
"I'm at school," he says. "Coach gave us a long practice and Puck and I were just hanging out."
"Oh," I say softly.
"I'm sorry Rachel," he says. It's a deep, meaningful apology. It touches me and I realize just how much I miss him."I really can't believe how long I've gone without seeing you. Do you think maybe we could meet up some time? I know you don't want to get back together but I miss you."
"I miss you too. Okay."
It doesn't take long for Finn and I to decide on a place and hang up. Kurt comes in seconds after I say goodbye. "So what's up?" he asks, sitting down beside me. "Are you going to forgive Finn? Is he going to stop moping around the house now, finally?"
"He's been moping?" I ask and Kurt nods. "I'm going to talk to him."
Kurt cuddles up to my side. "Good."
Finn and I meet at a coffee shop two days later. Finn smiles. He looks amazing. "Hi," he says softly. "I missed you. How are you doing?"
"I'm good," I say.
"Even with the rumors going around?"
"I'm good Finn," I assure, nodding. "I mean, I'm comfortable. I'm a little scared of what could happen when we go back to school but it'll be okay. I'm okay."
"I want to be close again," Finn mumbles. "I don't want anyone to hurt you."
It's a little bit over-the-top and so Finn-like but the words make me smile. "I don't think they will," I say optimistically. "I also don't want to talk about me and that horrible, horrible article. How did practice go? Please tell me the Titans plan on winning the big game. McKinley could use a championship."
"Oh we plan on it," Finn said. "Coach Beiste plans on killing us, but we plan on winning."
For awhile, we just discuss the championship game. It means a lot to Finn, so even though I've never been into football, I am into this discussion just because of the way that it makes his eyes light up. The McKinley football team never stood a chance in the past, but now they do. That means a lot to Finn. That means that he could potentially get a football scholarship and a number of other merits he wouldn't have been able to dream of without Coach Beiste. He reaches out and puts a hand on mine as we talk and I feel comforted. I'm not ready to jump into his arms again yet, but I really need Finn.
When I get back to school, there is a little bit of teasing over the "man" rumors, but it's really nothing like my fears. Most people find the rumor of a transgendered kid at McKinley too farfetched to believe and I'm pretty sure that Noah did something awful to Jacob, because he doesn't speak of it again. It's kind of disappointing in a way, because I'm not forced to out myself and I don't, and it stings because of the increased incidences of "manhands" and other masculinity related insults.
School isn't going as well for Kurt. He's being harassed by Dave Karofsky pretty frequently now. I've urged Kurt to go talk to Principal Figgins about it but he's hesitant. He doesn't want to stir up trouble as the gay kid and he doesn't want it to become a big deal. I hate to tell him that it's already becoming a big deal.
One of our first days back, I see Dave shove Kurt into a locker and walk past. I don't know where I find the courage but I follow after him until we're a good deal away from Kurt. I take a deep breath and open my mouth. I am going to get myself killed. "David," I say sharply, waiting for the big dumb jock to turn around. He does, staring at me with an incredulous expression. He plays stupid for the public, but it's obvious he's quicker than he acts.
"What the hell do you want, she-man?" he asks.
I roll my eyes at the insult. "David," I say again, firmly. "I must let you know that I am aware of what you did to Kurt. I feel very badly for you. I know that internalized homophobia leads to a very devastating mental state, but does not give you the right to hurt my best friend in this way. You must cease your bullying of him."
He stares at me. He doesn't even bother to pretend not to understand me. He lunges forward and I wince. I am headed to get the crap beat out of me but for a moment, I don't care. I don't know where the strength comes from but I don't give a care. He leans into my face, slamming a hand down on the locker. "Whatever the fag told you isn't true," he says. "You understand me, Berry? That fuckin' queer is making up rumors."
I realize that David has the social power to make Kurt's words seem like rumors, falsehoods, so I lie, quickly. "I have proof," I say. "So does Kurt. He didn't tell me either, David, so don't go running like a Neanderthal ready to stalk after its latest hunt. I know exactly how you feel."
He looks strangled. He believes me, I realize. I almost laugh, realizing that my acting ability has far surpassed where it was last. "You don't know anything."
"I know how it feels," I say softly. I take a breath and prepare myself to make a speech. "I know exactly where you're coming from. I know what it's like to hate everything about yourself, who you were born. I know what it's like to be terrified what would happen if anyone knew the truth. I still wonder to this day if I would lose the few friends I have, if they knew the true me. I have faith though that a true friend will stay true. I understand David, I do."
"How the hell do you-"
"Trust me, I just know," I whisper.
His eyes get wide. There is a lot of intelligence under them. He looks me over and his gaze lingers for a long time. "The rumors are true, aren't they?" he asks, his voice low. It wavers and he acts like he's in pain. I realize just how much he hurts and I catch my breath. It's the same pain that I've known all of my life. While the speech was just for show, every word of it was true. I know the pain that he's feeling, yet I've never lowered myself to react to it by bullying. "Are you that stupid that you'd tell me?" he asked, nearly barking out the words. "You know that I'm gonna give you hell for this Berry. I'm going to make your life miserable."
"No you're not," I say, internally realizing that I'm taking quite the risk, and also realizing that maybe I want to take the risk. "You won't say a word because I have proof you kissed Kurt. I would never out you without provocation though. You wouldn't do it to me either."
I don't know exactly what I'm doing but I forged a bond neither of us were expecting.
Pairing: Rachel/Finn, Strong Rachel/Kurt friendship.
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Rachel Berry has a secret she wants to reveal but is far too afraid to do so.
Warnings: Transgendered Character, Transphobia,
AN: Previous chapters can be found here.
I spend a lot of my Winter Break at Kurt's house or working on new material for glee. I know the rumors about me being a boy are floating around town, but I ignore them. If Noah's reaction is any indication, then people don't believe the "farfetched" claim about me anyway. I try to be calm even though the idea of people knowing makes me want to faint again. I also wonder if this is the time to come out about it. I could be inspiring. I could also lose everything.
It's always been my dream to succeed on Broadway, to become famous. I want other things, of course. I want to meet the person I love, have kids some day, be content, but my Broadway dreams are the most important. Will there ever be a Broadway diva with a penis? Will there ever be a place for me among the greats who were born women? I sit at Kurt's when my cell rings. I look at it. "It's Finn," I say.
"He hasn't been around the house much," Kurt speculates. "Are you going to answer it?"
I don't know if I can answer it. I stare at the phone for the longest time, but then I answer it quickly, making the decision as I act. "Hello Finn," I say.
"Rachel, I saw what Jacob posted about you," he says softly. "I just wanted to make sure that you were okay. I mean, is there anything I can do?"
I'm quiet for a moment.
"I don't think that anyone is going to believe it," I say quietly. "I also don't hold popularity quite as closely to my heart as you have in the past. It'll all turn out okay in the end." I look at Kurt, who heads to the kitchen out of politeness. "I'm at your house. Where are you?"
"I'm at school," he says. "Coach gave us a long practice and Puck and I were just hanging out."
"Oh," I say softly.
"I'm sorry Rachel," he says. It's a deep, meaningful apology. It touches me and I realize just how much I miss him."I really can't believe how long I've gone without seeing you. Do you think maybe we could meet up some time? I know you don't want to get back together but I miss you."
"I miss you too. Okay."
It doesn't take long for Finn and I to decide on a place and hang up. Kurt comes in seconds after I say goodbye. "So what's up?" he asks, sitting down beside me. "Are you going to forgive Finn? Is he going to stop moping around the house now, finally?"
"He's been moping?" I ask and Kurt nods. "I'm going to talk to him."
Kurt cuddles up to my side. "Good."
Finn and I meet at a coffee shop two days later. Finn smiles. He looks amazing. "Hi," he says softly. "I missed you. How are you doing?"
"I'm good," I say.
"Even with the rumors going around?"
"I'm good Finn," I assure, nodding. "I mean, I'm comfortable. I'm a little scared of what could happen when we go back to school but it'll be okay. I'm okay."
"I want to be close again," Finn mumbles. "I don't want anyone to hurt you."
It's a little bit over-the-top and so Finn-like but the words make me smile. "I don't think they will," I say optimistically. "I also don't want to talk about me and that horrible, horrible article. How did practice go? Please tell me the Titans plan on winning the big game. McKinley could use a championship."
"Oh we plan on it," Finn said. "Coach Beiste plans on killing us, but we plan on winning."
For awhile, we just discuss the championship game. It means a lot to Finn, so even though I've never been into football, I am into this discussion just because of the way that it makes his eyes light up. The McKinley football team never stood a chance in the past, but now they do. That means a lot to Finn. That means that he could potentially get a football scholarship and a number of other merits he wouldn't have been able to dream of without Coach Beiste. He reaches out and puts a hand on mine as we talk and I feel comforted. I'm not ready to jump into his arms again yet, but I really need Finn.
When I get back to school, there is a little bit of teasing over the "man" rumors, but it's really nothing like my fears. Most people find the rumor of a transgendered kid at McKinley too farfetched to believe and I'm pretty sure that Noah did something awful to Jacob, because he doesn't speak of it again. It's kind of disappointing in a way, because I'm not forced to out myself and I don't, and it stings because of the increased incidences of "manhands" and other masculinity related insults.
School isn't going as well for Kurt. He's being harassed by Dave Karofsky pretty frequently now. I've urged Kurt to go talk to Principal Figgins about it but he's hesitant. He doesn't want to stir up trouble as the gay kid and he doesn't want it to become a big deal. I hate to tell him that it's already becoming a big deal.
One of our first days back, I see Dave shove Kurt into a locker and walk past. I don't know where I find the courage but I follow after him until we're a good deal away from Kurt. I take a deep breath and open my mouth. I am going to get myself killed. "David," I say sharply, waiting for the big dumb jock to turn around. He does, staring at me with an incredulous expression. He plays stupid for the public, but it's obvious he's quicker than he acts.
"What the hell do you want, she-man?" he asks.
I roll my eyes at the insult. "David," I say again, firmly. "I must let you know that I am aware of what you did to Kurt. I feel very badly for you. I know that internalized homophobia leads to a very devastating mental state, but does not give you the right to hurt my best friend in this way. You must cease your bullying of him."
He stares at me. He doesn't even bother to pretend not to understand me. He lunges forward and I wince. I am headed to get the crap beat out of me but for a moment, I don't care. I don't know where the strength comes from but I don't give a care. He leans into my face, slamming a hand down on the locker. "Whatever the fag told you isn't true," he says. "You understand me, Berry? That fuckin' queer is making up rumors."
I realize that David has the social power to make Kurt's words seem like rumors, falsehoods, so I lie, quickly. "I have proof," I say. "So does Kurt. He didn't tell me either, David, so don't go running like a Neanderthal ready to stalk after its latest hunt. I know exactly how you feel."
He looks strangled. He believes me, I realize. I almost laugh, realizing that my acting ability has far surpassed where it was last. "You don't know anything."
"I know how it feels," I say softly. I take a breath and prepare myself to make a speech. "I know exactly where you're coming from. I know what it's like to hate everything about yourself, who you were born. I know what it's like to be terrified what would happen if anyone knew the truth. I still wonder to this day if I would lose the few friends I have, if they knew the true me. I have faith though that a true friend will stay true. I understand David, I do."
"How the hell do you-"
"Trust me, I just know," I whisper.
His eyes get wide. There is a lot of intelligence under them. He looks me over and his gaze lingers for a long time. "The rumors are true, aren't they?" he asks, his voice low. It wavers and he acts like he's in pain. I realize just how much he hurts and I catch my breath. It's the same pain that I've known all of my life. While the speech was just for show, every word of it was true. I know the pain that he's feeling, yet I've never lowered myself to react to it by bullying. "Are you that stupid that you'd tell me?" he asked, nearly barking out the words. "You know that I'm gonna give you hell for this Berry. I'm going to make your life miserable."
"No you're not," I say, internally realizing that I'm taking quite the risk, and also realizing that maybe I want to take the risk. "You won't say a word because I have proof you kissed Kurt. I would never out you without provocation though. You wouldn't do it to me either."
I don't know exactly what I'm doing but I forged a bond neither of us were expecting.