(no subject)
when the routine bites hard
and ambitions are low
and the resentment rides high
but emotions won't grow
and we're changing our ways,
taking different roads
then love, love will tear us apart again
why is the bedroom so cold
turned away on your side?
is my timing that flawed?
our respect run so dry?
yet there's still this appeal
that we've kept through
our lives
love, love will tear us apart again
do you cry out in your sleep
all my failings expose?
get a taste in my mouth
as desperation takes hold
is it something so good
just can't function no more?
when love, love will tear us apart again
don't be stupid, this is not my suicide note. ian curtis can never be more accurate than to write all these words into a song for me to listen to nearly two decades after his death.
i should have been sleeping at this hour, but i have no control over myself anymore. i can hear strange noises behind me. i heard beautiful music being played in my brain automatically by itself while i was in the car. very beautiful orchestral sounds and i seriously thought they were hallucinatory, maybe i was developing schizophrenia. but i was being hypochondriac when i finally realized that it was the cd player after all.
i just do not want to go back to my hostel. i have developed pure hatred for the place, for its surroundings. i cannot stand the fact that i have no one inside the bedroom with me and when i am all alone, the only company i have are thoughts. and i have sad, hideous thoughts composed in my head every second. i cannot possibly talk to the walls. but if things get way out of control [like how i am losing my sleep], i might consider doing that. which means i have four new companions: the first till the fourth wall. hello my beloved walls [who have seen everything from me guzzling my nasi lemak for lunch and masturbating under the covers]!
i have rejected a lot of my music collection recently. just then i realized how obsessed i was in listening to melancholic, british wailings over gloomy electronic stances and i had no problems consuming them back then because i never knew what it was like to feel low. i used to scream "bullshit!" to suicidal matters originated from broken hearts, lost lovers and hopes. but no matter how much i try to not listen to any of the records i own, i still play one or two because i need sounds still to make me grasp a bit of sanity. i do not know if listening to this particular joy division song will make me feel worst or anything but just to let the public know that if i ever leave you people this early, please remember me each time you hear the song.
but the thing is: when can you actually hear a joy division song being played nowadays? not unless you have a copy of their record or own mix tapes with the song included. not unless justin "screw my arse with a pole" timberlake covers it. it is not as famously evergreen as frank sinatra's either. i know for sure that i am going to fade away from everyone else's minds. easily. like an ordinary orgasm a slut may reach. like a microorganism among millions of others hidden in the oxygen humans suck in every other day. like memories of the loner in high school who used to sit beside you [they do not exist in the first place, do they?]. like everything else humanoids take forgranted.
hmm, which strangely reminds me, i have to read about adolf and eva.