Wear Your Heart on Your Sleeve
Title: Wear Your Heart on Your Sleeve
Author: Anonymous until 1/30/14
For: foundoasis
Pairing: Baekhyun/Tao [side: Luhan/Sehun, Chanyeol/Dara, Kai/Hyoyeon]
Word Count: 6,108
Summary: In a world where the name of one's soulmate is written on their wrist in small, black letters, Byun Baekhyun's wrist is glaringly blank.
Warnings: None
Rating: PG
One
In a world where the name of one's soulmate is written on their wrist in small, black letters, Byun Baekhyun's wrist is glaringly blank.
For the first few years of Baekhyun's life, no one is too concerned about it. It's incredibly common to be born without a soulmate's name because one individual of a pair is born after the second. If the soulmate doesn't exist yet, then of course there is no name to initially reflect on the partner's wrist. However, the name usually shows up within the first early years of life, magically appearing one moment without any notice. As Baekhyun gets older and older, the situation becomes more and more stressful. Not even soulmates can make Baekhyun abandon his morals; he would never bring himself to rob the cradle. Ten years old without any trace of a name is pushing it; in his teenage years, Baekhyun starts submitting to himself that he might not ever end up with a soulmate, if his soulmate ever shows up; and when Baekhyun turns twenty, he gives up on the notion of spending his life with "The One." A twenty year age difference would be too much to handle.
There's always the possibility that his soulmate had been born but then died minutes after; a name might have appeared on Baekhyun's wrist for a few moments before fading away again, as the names disappear with the other partner's death.
Perhaps Baekhyun's soulmate is someone who, for whatever reason, doesn't have a name, and therefore there will never be any name to reflect upon him.
There are theories like those. But Baekhyun is convinced he just doesn't have a soulmate.
It's uncommon, but not unheard of: People who never see a name on the inside of their wrist, who spend months and years searching for a reason why; people who search for someone else without a soulmate, to settle down with someone they might not be perfect for but at least someone who they are compatible with; people who are slowly driven down with grief as they watch all of their friends grow up, find their soulmates, and fall in love.
Baekhyun isn't strangers with that particular grief.
It's Jongin and Hyoyeon who find each other first. Jongin is Baekhyun's childhood friend. He had always been awkward and somewhat reserved around strangers, only opening up with sweet smiles and lame jokes around his friends, and girls scared him. That was until he and Hyoyeon shared a class in freshmen year of high school. Hyoyeon had marched right up to him after class and snatched his wrist, then offered hers; written in black ink on her right wrist was his own name, announced during attendance. They've been together ever since, and Baekhyun has even been helping Jongin, now confident and self-assured, with proposal ideas.
It's almost as though Jongin and Hyoyeon have been together forever, so Baekhyun doesn't feel the grief of being sidelined until Chanyeol, his best friend and longtime crush, meets his soulmate.
The name "Sandara" has always been on Chanyeol's wrist since birth, so they always knew he would end up with a noona. What is completely unexpected, however, is that Chanyeol, fresh out of university, meets his soulmate in the form of his boss at his first office job. Sandara is seven years older than Chanyeol. Neither of them seem too bothered by this fact. Chanyeol moves in with Sandra within the first two months of them dating.
It's hard, falling in love with someone who already has a soulmate. Baekhyun thinks he's in love with Chanyeol all throughout high school and university, even though he knows Chanyeol isn't gay and has always had his soulmate's name branded on him. It's not that rare to never find one's soulmate, seperated by distance or circumstance; perhaps some miniscule part of Baekhyun had hoped that Chanyeol wouldn't find his soulmate, and would turn to Baekhyun instead -- perhaps not out of true love, but out of comfort and accessibility.
But to find one's soulmate is to find happiness, and Baekhyun never wants to keep his best friend from that. And perhaps, deep inside, Baekhyun doesn't want to be second choice either.
But if the blank canvas of his wrist has anything to say about it, Baekhyun isn't anyone's first choice.
Sometimes there's still a pang of hurt that comes with seeing the way Chanyeol laughs so beautifully for Dara, or how he's always so concerned about leaving Baekhyun's house to get home in time for one of their dates, but Baekhyun smiles through the pain. He knows his place, and he knows that Chanyeol was never his. It's not Baekhyun's name written on Chanyeol's wrist.
Oh Sehun is Jongin's best friend and Baekhyun's roommate. He has made it his life goal to find the "Luhan," 鹿晗, etched in Chinese letters on his wrist. This goal is almost impossible to achieve when he's still living with his parents, who prohibit him from leaving the country. His parents tell Sehun that there's no crime in waiting to meet his soulmate when he's so young, that he needs time to develop as a human before he meets his partner. On the other hand, Sehun treats every second he exists without his soulmate as a second wasted. He finds out that living on a paycheck as a clerk at a high-end clothing store isn't the most efficient way of saving up money to go scour China for his one and only. And that he has no clue where to start.
Sehun doesn't find Luhan, but Luhan finds Sehun.
Luhan has been in Seoul for the past two years studying Korean. He has known about Sehun for the past three months, but it is only now that Sehun receives a message on one of Sehun's soulmate-seeking registries. A simple, brief message saying "I think you might be my soulmate. Can we meet?"
Sehun is frantic, trying to pick out the right clothes, the right cologne, the right...everything. Sehun expresses as much, and Baekhyun is quick to dispel any doubts, grabbing the younger by the shoulders and forcing him to meet Baekhyun's steady gaze. "Sehun, everything about you was made to be right for this person. You are his soulmate. So stop being such a prissy little bitch and go meet him."
Sehun is shaking but something in Baekhyun's words seems to get through to him, because he nods stiffly but with a determined look in his eye.
He brings Luhan back to the apartment with him. Luhan is beautiful and kind and bright and witty and everything Sehun deserves. Baekhyun feels like he is being left another step behind, but they look so happy and so in love that he can't deny Sehun when he begs for Luhan to be able to move in with them.
Luhan falls into their lives easily. He has a job as a model; cost of living split between three people rather than two makes things easier. Sehun is so much happier with Luhan around. He's suddenly in a supervising position in his company, and has started taking online classes again. Luhan is ever supportive of him, as is Baekhyun, although the latter is a little stunned at the sudden but consistant show of responsibility and enthusiasm.
÷
("It doesn't seem fair," Sehun says sadly to Luhan one night, cuddled under blankets and pressed warmly to each other. Luhan is stroking a hand through Sehun's hair, lulling the younger into a drowsy contentment. "Baekhyun is always helping his friends out with our soulmates, but he doesn't have one. I don't want him to live vicariously through us. I just wish there was some way that he could experience this himself. I want him to be happy the same way that I'm happy when I'm with you."
Luhan sighs softly. "I do too. I see what he's done for you and the only way that I feel like I could repay him for taking care of you is by finding his soulmate. But he doesn't have a soulmate, Sehunnie..."
"I know." Sehun huffs to himself, frowning sleepily. "I just wish..."
"I know. Me too.")
÷
A flash of black ink catches Baekhyun's eye as he moves a pile of paperwork from his boss's desk. He almost drops the papers in his shock.
子韬?
The characters are etched neatly onto the flesh of his left wrist where there had been nothing but veins before, not in his past twenty-four years of life. Baekhyun stares in shock for a few moments before bringing his opposite hand up to trace over the words delicately.
They're Chinese characters; he doesn't know what they say. But he does know with all certainty that it's a name. It can be nothing else but a name.
He sets down the papers with shaking hands. He combs his hand through his hair. He figits with his collar. He paces. Finally he takes out his phone, takes a picture of his wrist, and sends it to Sehun. Then he sits down and breathes.
Christ. He can't be twenty-four years older than his soulmate. That's not possible.
His head is a muddled cacophony of disjointed thoughts ranging from "I at least have to find out who they are" to "Oh, please, don't ever let me meet them" for the rest of the day. He stubbornly tries to hold a facade in front of his employer, Kim Junmyeon, the head of SUHO Corps. Baekhyun is a personal assistant. It's his job to be organized, and he's done a damn fine job of it thus far. He's not going to let his personal life distract him now of all times, even if it is probably the most pivotal point of his existence.
If Junmyeon notices his slightly shaky fingers, he doesn't say anything.
Sehun is working a late shift but Luhan is there to greet him like an overeager puppy when Baekhyun comes home. "Sehun told me the news!" he gushes, and Baekhyun brushes him off with a scowl. Luhan is undeterred. "That's amazing! We've all just been so worried about you and it's really great that you finally--"
"Luhan," Baekhyun snaps.
"What?"
Luhan stares at Baekhyun expectantly. Baekhyun shuts his mouth and furrows his brows. Baekhyun doesn't know what to say, how to explain everything going on in his head right now.
"Is it the age?" Luhan tentatively guesses. When Baekhyun doesn't respond, Luhan presses on, a little more confidently. "Look, just because you didn't get a name until now doesn't mean that your soulmate is just being born today. There can be a whole slew of other explanations...."
"It's not just that." Baekhyun sighs in frustration, one of his own hands tangling in his hair again. "I mean, it's that too, but it's--"
He keeps on expecting Luhan to cut him off, but Luhan is quiet and gives him a chance to explain himself. It's one of the many reasons why Luhan is Sehun's soulmate and no one else has Luhan's name written on their wrist.
"I've been fine without a soulmate for twenty-four years. I don't know if I can just...let someone into my life anymore, when I have basically already given up on them."
Luhan regards Baekhyun for a long moment. After finding whatever it is he's looking for, he takes Baekhyun's left forearm in his hands, splaying out the expanse of skin where the Chinese characters are written out. Baekhyun, uncomfortable with the contact, shifts his body away, but Luhan holds firm. One of his thumbs brushes over the marks. When he speaks, his voice is quiet and intense.
"Zitao."
"What?"
"His name is Zitao."
Baekhyun feels faint. There's something about the name being spoken aloud that makes it all the more real and all the more terrifying.
"There is someone out there named Zitao who has your name on his sleeve. He will never be truly happy without you, and you will never be truly happy without him. And maybe you won't do anything in your power to find him, but I hope, for the sake of your happiness, that he will find you."
Baekhyun pulls away from Luhan's eerily strong grip and takes a step back. Unable to find words, he retreats to his bedroom, shutting the door quietly behind him and slipping into his bed. He kicks off his clothes and leaves them strewn under his sheets with him, and stares at the wall against his bed, back curled to the door.
Sehun comes in later, entering without knocking like Baekhyun has requested time and time again. He sits down at the edge of Baekhyun's bed and Baekhyun stubbornly refuses to turn around.
Sehun finally speaks.
"You don't have to find him."
Baekhyun laughs without humor. "Oh yeah?"
"I'm serious."
"I am too. This sucks, Sehun."
"What exactly is it that you're upset about? You always wanted a soulmate, but now you don't?"
"You wouldn't understand," Baekhyun grumbles.
"Then stop being a bitch about it."
"Get out."
"Just tell me what you're thinking, Baek."
"I'm just." Baekhyun feels the unbidden tears start to well up and, fuck, this is embarassing. "You've always known that you've had a soulmate, so it's different for you. I gave up on the very idea of having a soulmate a long time ago. I was okay with it, finally. Until today. It's..."
"You've already settled for what you have, so you're scared of wanting more and not getting what you want."
Baekhyun swallows. "Yeah," he tries to say, but his voice isn't loud enough for even himself to hear it. Louder, he says, "But it's the age too. If my soulmate was truly only born today, I'm never going to have what other soulmates have with each other."
"Okay, look." Sehun pauses until Baekhyun physically turns and meets Sehun's eyes. "You do know that the soulmate conundrum isn't a scientific formula or anything, right? No soulmate pair is like another. First of all, you can't say for certain that the reason why you didn't have a name until now is because your soulmate was born today. There are plenty of other reasons, probably ones that you haven't thought of yet."
Baekhyun slowly nods. "But what if he was born today?"
"Then he's still your soulmate and he'll still make you happy, happier than anyone else ever will. Will it be a conventional soul bond? No, of course not. But you will still love him, and he'll still love you."
Baekhyun pauses and thinks about it. He's been wanting what Sehun and Luhan have, or what Chanyeol and Dara have, for so long that he hasn't stopped to think that maybe he could be happy with some other form of soul bond.
But he can't see himself doting over a baby, watching over his soulmate like a guardian. Helping raise his soulmate. Picking his soulmate up from school. Being the one his soulmate goes to about crushes.
No. Baekhyun can't do that. Baekhyun would rather not be involved at all.
So instead he asks, "When did you get so...intuitive? You sound like Luhan."
Sehun laughs softly. "Soulmates bring the best out of you."
Baekhyun just gives him an uneasy smile.
÷
For three months, there's nothing.
Baekhyun is too -- nervous? scared? -- to do anything more than do a casual browse through soulmate-searching websites. None of the Zitaos he has found are searching for a Baekhyun.
Some soulmates find each other like this. That's how Luhan found Sehun; but Luhan had come to Korea to learn the language, become comfortable with the life here, and then he sought out his soulmate. Sehun would never have thought twice about doing that; he would've gone to China in a heartbeat and simply would have started searching for any Luhan in the vicinity.
They're almost polar opposites in some aspects. That's why they're soulmates.
Yes, it's true that some soulmates find each other like this. But more often, soulmates fall into place, drawn together by some transcendental force that no one has been able to figure out.
It's somewhat of a relief though, that Zitao is a male name. He knows he's always been attracted to men, and the thought of breasts made him balk, but there's always been the possibility of a female soulmate, given that the possibility of having a soulmate existed in the first place.
Baekhyun vacillates between wanting to meet his soulmate and wanting to never lay eyes on this Zitao.
To his dismay, his boss takes an enthusiastic interest in Baekhyun's soulmate situation, noticing the characters on Baekhyun's wrist almost right away. He asks every single morning, without fail, if Baekhyun has found is soulmate yet. Baekhyun politely tells him that no, he has not. He does not say that he has not made much of an effort to find Zitao at all.
"Maybe I should make you take a day off and do some soulmate-searching," Junmyeon muses to himself one day. Baekhyun stares at Junmyeon flatly. Junmyeon seems to realize the issue with his suggestion. "But then if I do that, I would have to take a day off, too. I'm really disorganized without you."
"You wouldn't make it to any of your appointments on time, if you made it at all."
"You're right," Junmyeon laments. Baekhyun pats his back consultingly. Junmyeon gazes out the window into the brooding sky. "Do I have anything else on the agenda today?"
"Nothing pressing. Your lunch with Kim Minseok was the only thing you really were obligated to attend. Everything else can be addressed tomorrow."
"Good. We should both try to get home before that nasty storm starts. Those rainclouds don't look too forgiving."
"You need to pick up Byeol from the groomer's on the way home," Baekhyun says without looking up from his tablet.
Junmyeon makes an odd croaking sounds. "You're supposed to be my personal assistant for my job, but you've ended up being my personal assistant for everything..."
Baekhyun prods his boss out the door, promising to leave once he finalizes the schedule for June. He has to schedule meetings for a small business acquisition before Junmyeon can start looking at taking a week vacation with his family.
The sky opens up in a torrent of rainwater the second Baekhyun steps out of the building. He curses and steps back under the eave to dig his umberela out of his bag, thankful that he had the idea to grab it before leaving the house this morning. There's no one outside on this street, so Baekhyun hastily speed walks to the main road. "It's coooold," he whines to himself. He slows down when he gets out to the main road, but there's still not a lot of people braving the weather by walking.
There's a man standing by a bus stop. He's tall and cupping a cellphone under his hand to keep the device from getting wet, even while the man himself is without any protection from the rain and wearing a simple t-shirt. Baekhyun almost stops to at least offer the man a moment of shelter under his umberella, at least until he can figure out whatever it is he's doing on his phone -- but he doesn't know this man, and Baekhyun's not exactly the nice, random act of of kindness kind of guy.
So even while he resolves to simply keep his head down and walk past, the man glances up from underneath his dripping wet hair and zones in on Baekhyun. In a heavy accent, he says, "Excuse me...." The guy has a severe face with slanted eyes that are equally attractive and scary, with heavy bags under them.
Inwardly, Baekhyun sighs. It's cold outside and he's already wet (albeit not as wet as Mr. Tall-and-Dark here, but it's still wet enough to be uncomfortable). He wants to get home. He flashes a polite smile and steps closer to the stranger, lifting up his umberella to let the other man duck under.
"Thanks," the man says with a smile, and it's amazing how the harsh, angled, almost dangerous features soften with just an upward turn of his mouth. Baekhyun blinks, even as the stranger continues, "Could you tell me where the least expensive hotel around is? My phone isn't getting service very well here." He holds out his phone screen awkwardly, as if trying to justify him stopping Baekhyun.
"Yeah, it's--"
백현
The name is there, black characters that might as well be flashing neon with the way they glare at Baekhyun.
It's the whole "soulmates fall into place" principle. They don't mean to meet each other most of the time. It's far more likely that they end up in your freshmen class, or they end up being your boss, or you end up meeting them in late May in the pouring rain on your way home from work.
"....Are you okay?" the man -- Zitao? -- asks, leaning down to Baekhyun's height with concern in his eyes. Baekhyun blinks and his mind scrambles for words, words, what are words? Christ. You are the one reason why I don't know what I'm doing with my life, Baekhyun wants to say. My name is on your wrist and yours is on mine, would also be acceptable in this situation. Probably. Baekhyun doesn't really know how it works. He's never seen two soulmates meet each other in real life, and he has a feeling that the television shows are different.
I've been waiting for you my whole life.
"Um," Baekhyun says eloquently. His head feels oddly light.
"Hey? Are you okay?" Zitao asks again. Strong hands grip Baekhyun's shoulders. "You're looking..." He grapples for the right word. "White. Your face looks white."
Baekhyun's grip on the umberella loosens. It drops to the ground, and now they're both exposed to the rain. Zitao looks alarmed. "Zitao?" Baekhyun asks carefully.
Zitao stares at Baekhyun with wide eyes before nodding. Baekhyun holds out his wrist and tugs up his sleeve, offering a clear view of the name written there, and Zitao is speechless, mouth opening and closing like a fish.
"So I guess that means you'll be coming back with me instead of staying at that hotel, huh," Baekhyun jokes, but his voice sounds oddly breathy. Zitao just looks at him as though he has opened his eyes for the very first time, and Baekhyun is the first person he's ever seen.
÷
They walk back to Baekhyun's apartment in agonizing silence. In the movies, in the stories, finding one's soulmate is a joyous, emotional fanfare, with lots of smiling and kissing and hand-holding and crying. Baekhyun mostly just feels like his stomach is going to crawl up and out of his throat.
Soulmate.
The bond has a certain amount of permanence only broken through death. Baekhyun had already submitted to the apparent permanence of solitude, but is now being faced with the opportunity he only dared to dream of.
For Baekhyun, it's terrifying.
This person -- Zitao --
Luhan's words come rushing back to him. There is someone out there named Zitao who has your name on his sleeve. He will never be truly happy without you, and you will never be truly happy without him.
He doesn't feel happy right now. He feels like he could throw up, and maybe a little bit emotionally constipated, like all of his feelings are just condensed into a hard lump of emotional build-up in his chest and there's no way to force it out. Which is a really disgusting comparison, Baekhyun thinks idly. If this his how soulmates are supposed to make one another feel, then obviously everyone else is doing the whole soulmate thing wrong and Baekhyun is the only sane one on the face of the planet.
They enter the quiet apartment. There's no white noise cast by the rain to cover the silence between them. Baekhyun's heart is beating loud.
"So, um," Baekhyun starts. "This is where I live. It's not much, but. I think it's pretty okay. My roommates are in right now, but I'll introduce you when they get home..."
He's not looking at Zitao still, but he feels a hand wrap gently around his elbow, holding there for a moment before sliding down to encase his smaller hand. Baekhyun's head turns and his eyes glance down where Zitao's hand is enclosed around his before meeting Zitao's gaze, soft and hesitant but resolute. Baekhyun swallows hard.
"Are you scared?"
Zitao's voice is quiet, but it sinks through the silence like a weight through water, settling heavily.
"No," Baekhyun denies right away, too soon to be the truth, and they both know it. Baekhyun sighs in frustration. "Well, a little. I just -- I've gone without a name on my wrist for so long that I thought I didn't have a soulmate, and now here you are and -- well, you're here," he finishes lamely. He's having a hard time thinking straight.
"I'm sorry," Zitao says in that quiet voice, like it's his fault they weren't paired until recently. "We'll take things slow. If you want me to, I can even stay at that hotel for a few days to give you time to adjust. I get it, it's scary."
Baekhyun can't help the haughty glare he shoots Zitao. "What, and you're not scared?"
Zitao laughs, but the sound rings hollow and the smile is bitter. "Of course I am. But I've already gone through this once before, and you haven't."
What?
Baekhyun relays his thoughts. "What?" The pettiness is flushed right out of his expression, replaced by wide shock.
"I had another soulmate, but he died."
Baekhyun feels like someone has just slapped him. Baekhyun feels like he deserves to be slapped, for being so awkward and cold towards someone who probably deserves a whole lot more than Baekhyun. "Zitao, I'm..."
"I don't mean to say that so suddenly, but I don't want to keep secrets from you. I want you to know me. I had a soulmate for a few years. We travelled a lot. He lived in China with me, but he was Korean, and I wanted to learn Korean for him. He died over three months ago. I'm sorry it took me so long to try to find you."
"No, don't apologize. I can only imagine what it's like to lose someone like that. Were you..." Baekhyun gulps. "If I were you, I probably wouldn't have even tried to find another soulmate." Hell, he didn't even try to find his first soulmate.
"I didn't want to, at first," Zitao says, looking away from Baekhyun. "A new name -- Baekhyun, you -- showed up on my wrist the same day that he died. I was really mad at first. I thought it was an insult to him and to what we had. But then I thought --"
Zitao colors a bit. "What did you think?" Baekhyun presses.
"That there was someone out there who had my name on their wrist, too, and I didn't want them to feel alone like I did."
Baekhyun blinks.
"I know that sounds --" Zitao makes a face as his tongue clumsily dances around the word "pretentious," but Baekhyun cuts him off before he finishes the sentence anyway.
"No, I get it. I understand. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that."
Baekhyun can't tell whether Zitao's smile is happy or sad.
I think I want to know you, too, Baekhyun almost says. He doesn't. The words slide back down and rest heavy in his chest.
÷
Zitao is using the shower when Luhan and Sehun get home. "Baek?" Sehun calls out. "Whose crap is this?"
Baekhyun figits as he comes into the small intersection where the entryway, kitchen, and hallway meet, eyeing Zitao's open suitcase in the living room, which is what Sehun is referencing. "It's Zitao's."
His roommates look at him blankly for all of .5 seconds before Sehun is grinning widely and Luhan is shouting "As in your soulmate Zitao? This is amazing, Baekhyun, I'm so happy for you!"
Baekhyun gives them a weak smile.
He may not be 100% enthusiastic about this whole soulmate business, but at least someone is.
÷
Sehun sits down by Baekhyun on the latter's bed after dinner. Luhan and Tao have set themselves up in the living room, and Baekhyun can hear the soft-spoken Mandarin through the thin walls.
"So."
"Hm?"
"You didn't mention that your soulmate is really hot."
Baekhyun can feel the heat spreading across this face. "It must have slipped my mind," he mumbles.
Well, it doesn't really slip his mind at all. Zitao is tall and has gorgeous eyes and a beautiful smile and his chest looks really good when a wet shirt is plastered on it.
"Yeah, conveniently forgot, did you."
"Yep."
Sehun sighs and flops across Baekhyun's lap. He whines when Baekhyun pinches his stomach, but it isn't painful enough to warrant him moving. "Can you, like, distract Zitao so that he can stop talking with Luhan and we can go to bed?"
"It's important that they both have someone to talk to in their native language," Baekhyun replies.
"But me getting Luhan into our bed is also important."
"Of course it is," Baekhyun deadpans.
After dinner, Luhan and Zitao had settled into the living room to talk about -- Baekhyun doesn't know what, actually. He regrets not having studied Mandarin in school.
Sehun whines and grumbles until, finally, Luhan appears. Sehun makes grabby hands but Luhan smacks the wriggling fingers away. "Go wait for me in our room, I need to talk to Baekhyun."
"But Luhaaaaaan."
"No."
Sehun grumbles but obeys. Luhan turns to Baekhyun.
"Zitao told me about Jongdae."
"Who?"
"His last soulmate. I just." Luhan sighs and sits down by Baekhyun. "I have a theory. Maybe, you have always been meant to be together, but Zitao wasn't ready to be with you until Jongdae helped make him into the man he is now. You were being saved for this Zitao. That's why you didn't have a name until now. Does that make sense?"
"I...I think so, yeah."
"Think about it."
After Luhan leaves, Baekhyun takes out his phone and casually browses through the internet. He feels like he's waiting for something, but he doesn't know what. He glances at the door every few minutes. He's half-expecting Tao to walk in to go to bed -- they're soulmates, so it's only natural that they sleep together, right?
When it gets to the point where Baekhyun's too tired to stay up, he finally musters up the courage to go out into the living room to find Tao.
The lights are off, and Zitao is sleeping on the couch. He's too tall for the expanse of it and his feet and head are propped up on the arms to make a little more space, body slightly bent to accomodate his size under the small blanket.
Baekhyun frowns. He knows he hasn't exactly been the warmest to Zitao, but...
But it feels wrong sleeping in his own bed while his soulmate is out on the couch.
However, seeing as it would feel less appropriate to wake up Zitao just to drag him to a different bed, Baekhyun goes back to his own room and brings out a blanket to cover Zitao with, bigger and thicker than the panda-print one that Zitao must have brought with him. Zitao inhales deeply and shifts. Baekhyun holds his breath, not daring to move, but then Zitao settles back down again, face nuzzled into the new blanket.
Baekhyun goes back to bed, a little colder than what he's used to, but he likes keeping the temperature in his room a little higher anyways, so it's nothing unbearable. No, it's not the temperature that keeps him up; it's the thought that his soulmate is on the couch. Has Baekhyun been that chilly towards Zitao that his soulmate thought it would make more sense to sleep out in the living room without even asking for a blanket or pillows?
Eventually he just gives up, succumbing to the fact that if he stays in his bed he's just going to be up all night thinking about what an awful person he is for letting Zitao fall asleep on the couch. He brings his blanket and pillow out with him and situates himself on the floor next to the couch, wrapping himself up in his blanket burrito style.
He falls asleep surprisingly easily to the sound of Zitao breathing just above him.
÷
Baekhyun leaves the house before anyone else wakes up. He feels a little bad about leaving Zitao without an explanation about his job, what he does for a living, but he figures either Luhan or Sehun can fill Zitao in.
He gets to the office before Junmyeon does, as usual. He's going through emails that were sent overnight and earlier this morning when his boss walks in.
"Good morning, Baekhyun~" Junmyeon chirps cheerfully.
"Good morning, Junmyeon."
Then, like clockwork: "Did you find your soulmate yet?"
It's obvious that Junmyeon isn't expecting the affirmative hum Baekhyun gives in response.
"What? Really?"
"Yes. Last night, on my way home."
"Wow. Wow. Baekhyun, that's great! What's he like?!"
"He's...tall?" Baekhyun scrunches up his face. "I just met him. I don't know much about him..."
Baekhyun knows that he's the type to just fly to another country without making accomodation arrangements, which he thinks says a lot about his character. That means that Zitao is...spontaneous. Impulsive, maybe. And Baekhyun organizes and compartmentalizes and lashes out against change.
Hm. He can see why Zitao was chosen as his soulmate, maybe.
"Oh. When I met my soulmate, we stayed up talking all night. We were so excited, we didn't want to lose one second of being together, so we tried to stay up as long as we could getting to know each other."
Baekhyun almost makes a lewd comment but this is his boss, not Sehun, so he doesn't.
"I should make you take the day off to go bond with your soulmate some more."
Baekhyun gives him a flat look. Junmyeon laughs. "I know, I know. So! What's on the agenda today?"
÷
That night, Luhan and Sehun prod Zitao and Baekhyun out to have dinner together. Baekhyun is hesitant, but Zitao reassures him with that gentle smile and a hand pressing at the center of his back.
Baekhyun talks about his job, his weird relationship with his boss, his roommates, and Zitao talks about China and his job as a wushu instructor and how he hopes he can continue working at a gym full time in Korea now that he's going to be staying (which, oddly enough, makes an odd satisfaction curl in Baekhyun's stomach). Baekhyun even talks a little about his crush on his best friend, and a little about what it felt like when everyone else had found their soulmate when Baekhyun hadn't.
Baekhyun frowns. "I'm not saying all this to make you pity me. I just...I don't want to keep secrets from you. I think I want you to know who I am."
"I want to know you too. Thank you for telling me all this."
"I know--" Baekhyun pauses to swallow down the thickness in his throat. "I know I'm not the best soulmate, but please don't give up on me."
"Never," Zitao promises, just as quietly. And Baekhyun can't help but believe him.
They take their time walking home in the dark, stepping in and out of the warm glow of street lights and taking the back roads to avoid prying eyes. Zitao has a beautiful laugh, and his hand is warm pressed against Baekhyun's. Feeling uncharacteristically adventurous, Baekhyun stops in the light cast by a lamppost, pulling Zitao back. Zitao gives him a quizzical look, and Baekhyun grabs his face to hold the taller man in place and swoops up to kiss the edge of his mouth.
Zitao startles but then laughs again. He leans down and presses his lips to Baekhyun's forehead, a gentle pressure that makes Baekhyun's face light up in a brilliant smile that he can't seem to wipe off the entire way home.
He forces Zitao into sleeping with him in his bed (not that the man needs much goading. The couch is far from the most comfortable place to sleep, as evidenced by the stiffness in his back and neck). It's awkward at first, just a little bit -- they're soulmates, but they've only just met each other, and Baekhyun is feeling a little shy in the aftermath of his sudden bravado earlier this evening -- but Zitao just pulls him close and tucks Baekhyun's head under his chin.
Baekhyun thinks he might give this whole soulmate thing a try.
One
Author: Anonymous until 1/30/14
For: foundoasis
Pairing: Baekhyun/Tao [side: Luhan/Sehun, Chanyeol/Dara, Kai/Hyoyeon]
Word Count: 6,108
Summary: In a world where the name of one's soulmate is written on their wrist in small, black letters, Byun Baekhyun's wrist is glaringly blank.
Warnings: None
Rating: PG
One
In a world where the name of one's soulmate is written on their wrist in small, black letters, Byun Baekhyun's wrist is glaringly blank.
For the first few years of Baekhyun's life, no one is too concerned about it. It's incredibly common to be born without a soulmate's name because one individual of a pair is born after the second. If the soulmate doesn't exist yet, then of course there is no name to initially reflect on the partner's wrist. However, the name usually shows up within the first early years of life, magically appearing one moment without any notice. As Baekhyun gets older and older, the situation becomes more and more stressful. Not even soulmates can make Baekhyun abandon his morals; he would never bring himself to rob the cradle. Ten years old without any trace of a name is pushing it; in his teenage years, Baekhyun starts submitting to himself that he might not ever end up with a soulmate, if his soulmate ever shows up; and when Baekhyun turns twenty, he gives up on the notion of spending his life with "The One." A twenty year age difference would be too much to handle.
There's always the possibility that his soulmate had been born but then died minutes after; a name might have appeared on Baekhyun's wrist for a few moments before fading away again, as the names disappear with the other partner's death.
Perhaps Baekhyun's soulmate is someone who, for whatever reason, doesn't have a name, and therefore there will never be any name to reflect upon him.
There are theories like those. But Baekhyun is convinced he just doesn't have a soulmate.
It's uncommon, but not unheard of: People who never see a name on the inside of their wrist, who spend months and years searching for a reason why; people who search for someone else without a soulmate, to settle down with someone they might not be perfect for but at least someone who they are compatible with; people who are slowly driven down with grief as they watch all of their friends grow up, find their soulmates, and fall in love.
Baekhyun isn't strangers with that particular grief.
It's Jongin and Hyoyeon who find each other first. Jongin is Baekhyun's childhood friend. He had always been awkward and somewhat reserved around strangers, only opening up with sweet smiles and lame jokes around his friends, and girls scared him. That was until he and Hyoyeon shared a class in freshmen year of high school. Hyoyeon had marched right up to him after class and snatched his wrist, then offered hers; written in black ink on her right wrist was his own name, announced during attendance. They've been together ever since, and Baekhyun has even been helping Jongin, now confident and self-assured, with proposal ideas.
It's almost as though Jongin and Hyoyeon have been together forever, so Baekhyun doesn't feel the grief of being sidelined until Chanyeol, his best friend and longtime crush, meets his soulmate.
The name "Sandara" has always been on Chanyeol's wrist since birth, so they always knew he would end up with a noona. What is completely unexpected, however, is that Chanyeol, fresh out of university, meets his soulmate in the form of his boss at his first office job. Sandara is seven years older than Chanyeol. Neither of them seem too bothered by this fact. Chanyeol moves in with Sandra within the first two months of them dating.
It's hard, falling in love with someone who already has a soulmate. Baekhyun thinks he's in love with Chanyeol all throughout high school and university, even though he knows Chanyeol isn't gay and has always had his soulmate's name branded on him. It's not that rare to never find one's soulmate, seperated by distance or circumstance; perhaps some miniscule part of Baekhyun had hoped that Chanyeol wouldn't find his soulmate, and would turn to Baekhyun instead -- perhaps not out of true love, but out of comfort and accessibility.
But to find one's soulmate is to find happiness, and Baekhyun never wants to keep his best friend from that. And perhaps, deep inside, Baekhyun doesn't want to be second choice either.
But if the blank canvas of his wrist has anything to say about it, Baekhyun isn't anyone's first choice.
Sometimes there's still a pang of hurt that comes with seeing the way Chanyeol laughs so beautifully for Dara, or how he's always so concerned about leaving Baekhyun's house to get home in time for one of their dates, but Baekhyun smiles through the pain. He knows his place, and he knows that Chanyeol was never his. It's not Baekhyun's name written on Chanyeol's wrist.
Oh Sehun is Jongin's best friend and Baekhyun's roommate. He has made it his life goal to find the "Luhan," 鹿晗, etched in Chinese letters on his wrist. This goal is almost impossible to achieve when he's still living with his parents, who prohibit him from leaving the country. His parents tell Sehun that there's no crime in waiting to meet his soulmate when he's so young, that he needs time to develop as a human before he meets his partner. On the other hand, Sehun treats every second he exists without his soulmate as a second wasted. He finds out that living on a paycheck as a clerk at a high-end clothing store isn't the most efficient way of saving up money to go scour China for his one and only. And that he has no clue where to start.
Sehun doesn't find Luhan, but Luhan finds Sehun.
Luhan has been in Seoul for the past two years studying Korean. He has known about Sehun for the past three months, but it is only now that Sehun receives a message on one of Sehun's soulmate-seeking registries. A simple, brief message saying "I think you might be my soulmate. Can we meet?"
Sehun is frantic, trying to pick out the right clothes, the right cologne, the right...everything. Sehun expresses as much, and Baekhyun is quick to dispel any doubts, grabbing the younger by the shoulders and forcing him to meet Baekhyun's steady gaze. "Sehun, everything about you was made to be right for this person. You are his soulmate. So stop being such a prissy little bitch and go meet him."
Sehun is shaking but something in Baekhyun's words seems to get through to him, because he nods stiffly but with a determined look in his eye.
He brings Luhan back to the apartment with him. Luhan is beautiful and kind and bright and witty and everything Sehun deserves. Baekhyun feels like he is being left another step behind, but they look so happy and so in love that he can't deny Sehun when he begs for Luhan to be able to move in with them.
Luhan falls into their lives easily. He has a job as a model; cost of living split between three people rather than two makes things easier. Sehun is so much happier with Luhan around. He's suddenly in a supervising position in his company, and has started taking online classes again. Luhan is ever supportive of him, as is Baekhyun, although the latter is a little stunned at the sudden but consistant show of responsibility and enthusiasm.
÷
("It doesn't seem fair," Sehun says sadly to Luhan one night, cuddled under blankets and pressed warmly to each other. Luhan is stroking a hand through Sehun's hair, lulling the younger into a drowsy contentment. "Baekhyun is always helping his friends out with our soulmates, but he doesn't have one. I don't want him to live vicariously through us. I just wish there was some way that he could experience this himself. I want him to be happy the same way that I'm happy when I'm with you."
Luhan sighs softly. "I do too. I see what he's done for you and the only way that I feel like I could repay him for taking care of you is by finding his soulmate. But he doesn't have a soulmate, Sehunnie..."
"I know." Sehun huffs to himself, frowning sleepily. "I just wish..."
"I know. Me too.")
÷
A flash of black ink catches Baekhyun's eye as he moves a pile of paperwork from his boss's desk. He almost drops the papers in his shock.
子韬?
The characters are etched neatly onto the flesh of his left wrist where there had been nothing but veins before, not in his past twenty-four years of life. Baekhyun stares in shock for a few moments before bringing his opposite hand up to trace over the words delicately.
They're Chinese characters; he doesn't know what they say. But he does know with all certainty that it's a name. It can be nothing else but a name.
He sets down the papers with shaking hands. He combs his hand through his hair. He figits with his collar. He paces. Finally he takes out his phone, takes a picture of his wrist, and sends it to Sehun. Then he sits down and breathes.
Christ. He can't be twenty-four years older than his soulmate. That's not possible.
His head is a muddled cacophony of disjointed thoughts ranging from "I at least have to find out who they are" to "Oh, please, don't ever let me meet them" for the rest of the day. He stubbornly tries to hold a facade in front of his employer, Kim Junmyeon, the head of SUHO Corps. Baekhyun is a personal assistant. It's his job to be organized, and he's done a damn fine job of it thus far. He's not going to let his personal life distract him now of all times, even if it is probably the most pivotal point of his existence.
If Junmyeon notices his slightly shaky fingers, he doesn't say anything.
Sehun is working a late shift but Luhan is there to greet him like an overeager puppy when Baekhyun comes home. "Sehun told me the news!" he gushes, and Baekhyun brushes him off with a scowl. Luhan is undeterred. "That's amazing! We've all just been so worried about you and it's really great that you finally--"
"Luhan," Baekhyun snaps.
"What?"
Luhan stares at Baekhyun expectantly. Baekhyun shuts his mouth and furrows his brows. Baekhyun doesn't know what to say, how to explain everything going on in his head right now.
"Is it the age?" Luhan tentatively guesses. When Baekhyun doesn't respond, Luhan presses on, a little more confidently. "Look, just because you didn't get a name until now doesn't mean that your soulmate is just being born today. There can be a whole slew of other explanations...."
"It's not just that." Baekhyun sighs in frustration, one of his own hands tangling in his hair again. "I mean, it's that too, but it's--"
He keeps on expecting Luhan to cut him off, but Luhan is quiet and gives him a chance to explain himself. It's one of the many reasons why Luhan is Sehun's soulmate and no one else has Luhan's name written on their wrist.
"I've been fine without a soulmate for twenty-four years. I don't know if I can just...let someone into my life anymore, when I have basically already given up on them."
Luhan regards Baekhyun for a long moment. After finding whatever it is he's looking for, he takes Baekhyun's left forearm in his hands, splaying out the expanse of skin where the Chinese characters are written out. Baekhyun, uncomfortable with the contact, shifts his body away, but Luhan holds firm. One of his thumbs brushes over the marks. When he speaks, his voice is quiet and intense.
"Zitao."
"What?"
"His name is Zitao."
Baekhyun feels faint. There's something about the name being spoken aloud that makes it all the more real and all the more terrifying.
"There is someone out there named Zitao who has your name on his sleeve. He will never be truly happy without you, and you will never be truly happy without him. And maybe you won't do anything in your power to find him, but I hope, for the sake of your happiness, that he will find you."
Baekhyun pulls away from Luhan's eerily strong grip and takes a step back. Unable to find words, he retreats to his bedroom, shutting the door quietly behind him and slipping into his bed. He kicks off his clothes and leaves them strewn under his sheets with him, and stares at the wall against his bed, back curled to the door.
Sehun comes in later, entering without knocking like Baekhyun has requested time and time again. He sits down at the edge of Baekhyun's bed and Baekhyun stubbornly refuses to turn around.
Sehun finally speaks.
"You don't have to find him."
Baekhyun laughs without humor. "Oh yeah?"
"I'm serious."
"I am too. This sucks, Sehun."
"What exactly is it that you're upset about? You always wanted a soulmate, but now you don't?"
"You wouldn't understand," Baekhyun grumbles.
"Then stop being a bitch about it."
"Get out."
"Just tell me what you're thinking, Baek."
"I'm just." Baekhyun feels the unbidden tears start to well up and, fuck, this is embarassing. "You've always known that you've had a soulmate, so it's different for you. I gave up on the very idea of having a soulmate a long time ago. I was okay with it, finally. Until today. It's..."
"You've already settled for what you have, so you're scared of wanting more and not getting what you want."
Baekhyun swallows. "Yeah," he tries to say, but his voice isn't loud enough for even himself to hear it. Louder, he says, "But it's the age too. If my soulmate was truly only born today, I'm never going to have what other soulmates have with each other."
"Okay, look." Sehun pauses until Baekhyun physically turns and meets Sehun's eyes. "You do know that the soulmate conundrum isn't a scientific formula or anything, right? No soulmate pair is like another. First of all, you can't say for certain that the reason why you didn't have a name until now is because your soulmate was born today. There are plenty of other reasons, probably ones that you haven't thought of yet."
Baekhyun slowly nods. "But what if he was born today?"
"Then he's still your soulmate and he'll still make you happy, happier than anyone else ever will. Will it be a conventional soul bond? No, of course not. But you will still love him, and he'll still love you."
Baekhyun pauses and thinks about it. He's been wanting what Sehun and Luhan have, or what Chanyeol and Dara have, for so long that he hasn't stopped to think that maybe he could be happy with some other form of soul bond.
But he can't see himself doting over a baby, watching over his soulmate like a guardian. Helping raise his soulmate. Picking his soulmate up from school. Being the one his soulmate goes to about crushes.
No. Baekhyun can't do that. Baekhyun would rather not be involved at all.
So instead he asks, "When did you get so...intuitive? You sound like Luhan."
Sehun laughs softly. "Soulmates bring the best out of you."
Baekhyun just gives him an uneasy smile.
÷
For three months, there's nothing.
Baekhyun is too -- nervous? scared? -- to do anything more than do a casual browse through soulmate-searching websites. None of the Zitaos he has found are searching for a Baekhyun.
Some soulmates find each other like this. That's how Luhan found Sehun; but Luhan had come to Korea to learn the language, become comfortable with the life here, and then he sought out his soulmate. Sehun would never have thought twice about doing that; he would've gone to China in a heartbeat and simply would have started searching for any Luhan in the vicinity.
They're almost polar opposites in some aspects. That's why they're soulmates.
Yes, it's true that some soulmates find each other like this. But more often, soulmates fall into place, drawn together by some transcendental force that no one has been able to figure out.
It's somewhat of a relief though, that Zitao is a male name. He knows he's always been attracted to men, and the thought of breasts made him balk, but there's always been the possibility of a female soulmate, given that the possibility of having a soulmate existed in the first place.
Baekhyun vacillates between wanting to meet his soulmate and wanting to never lay eyes on this Zitao.
To his dismay, his boss takes an enthusiastic interest in Baekhyun's soulmate situation, noticing the characters on Baekhyun's wrist almost right away. He asks every single morning, without fail, if Baekhyun has found is soulmate yet. Baekhyun politely tells him that no, he has not. He does not say that he has not made much of an effort to find Zitao at all.
"Maybe I should make you take a day off and do some soulmate-searching," Junmyeon muses to himself one day. Baekhyun stares at Junmyeon flatly. Junmyeon seems to realize the issue with his suggestion. "But then if I do that, I would have to take a day off, too. I'm really disorganized without you."
"You wouldn't make it to any of your appointments on time, if you made it at all."
"You're right," Junmyeon laments. Baekhyun pats his back consultingly. Junmyeon gazes out the window into the brooding sky. "Do I have anything else on the agenda today?"
"Nothing pressing. Your lunch with Kim Minseok was the only thing you really were obligated to attend. Everything else can be addressed tomorrow."
"Good. We should both try to get home before that nasty storm starts. Those rainclouds don't look too forgiving."
"You need to pick up Byeol from the groomer's on the way home," Baekhyun says without looking up from his tablet.
Junmyeon makes an odd croaking sounds. "You're supposed to be my personal assistant for my job, but you've ended up being my personal assistant for everything..."
Baekhyun prods his boss out the door, promising to leave once he finalizes the schedule for June. He has to schedule meetings for a small business acquisition before Junmyeon can start looking at taking a week vacation with his family.
The sky opens up in a torrent of rainwater the second Baekhyun steps out of the building. He curses and steps back under the eave to dig his umberela out of his bag, thankful that he had the idea to grab it before leaving the house this morning. There's no one outside on this street, so Baekhyun hastily speed walks to the main road. "It's coooold," he whines to himself. He slows down when he gets out to the main road, but there's still not a lot of people braving the weather by walking.
There's a man standing by a bus stop. He's tall and cupping a cellphone under his hand to keep the device from getting wet, even while the man himself is without any protection from the rain and wearing a simple t-shirt. Baekhyun almost stops to at least offer the man a moment of shelter under his umberella, at least until he can figure out whatever it is he's doing on his phone -- but he doesn't know this man, and Baekhyun's not exactly the nice, random act of of kindness kind of guy.
So even while he resolves to simply keep his head down and walk past, the man glances up from underneath his dripping wet hair and zones in on Baekhyun. In a heavy accent, he says, "Excuse me...." The guy has a severe face with slanted eyes that are equally attractive and scary, with heavy bags under them.
Inwardly, Baekhyun sighs. It's cold outside and he's already wet (albeit not as wet as Mr. Tall-and-Dark here, but it's still wet enough to be uncomfortable). He wants to get home. He flashes a polite smile and steps closer to the stranger, lifting up his umberella to let the other man duck under.
"Thanks," the man says with a smile, and it's amazing how the harsh, angled, almost dangerous features soften with just an upward turn of his mouth. Baekhyun blinks, even as the stranger continues, "Could you tell me where the least expensive hotel around is? My phone isn't getting service very well here." He holds out his phone screen awkwardly, as if trying to justify him stopping Baekhyun.
"Yeah, it's--"
백현
The name is there, black characters that might as well be flashing neon with the way they glare at Baekhyun.
It's the whole "soulmates fall into place" principle. They don't mean to meet each other most of the time. It's far more likely that they end up in your freshmen class, or they end up being your boss, or you end up meeting them in late May in the pouring rain on your way home from work.
"....Are you okay?" the man -- Zitao? -- asks, leaning down to Baekhyun's height with concern in his eyes. Baekhyun blinks and his mind scrambles for words, words, what are words? Christ. You are the one reason why I don't know what I'm doing with my life, Baekhyun wants to say. My name is on your wrist and yours is on mine, would also be acceptable in this situation. Probably. Baekhyun doesn't really know how it works. He's never seen two soulmates meet each other in real life, and he has a feeling that the television shows are different.
I've been waiting for you my whole life.
"Um," Baekhyun says eloquently. His head feels oddly light.
"Hey? Are you okay?" Zitao asks again. Strong hands grip Baekhyun's shoulders. "You're looking..." He grapples for the right word. "White. Your face looks white."
Baekhyun's grip on the umberella loosens. It drops to the ground, and now they're both exposed to the rain. Zitao looks alarmed. "Zitao?" Baekhyun asks carefully.
Zitao stares at Baekhyun with wide eyes before nodding. Baekhyun holds out his wrist and tugs up his sleeve, offering a clear view of the name written there, and Zitao is speechless, mouth opening and closing like a fish.
"So I guess that means you'll be coming back with me instead of staying at that hotel, huh," Baekhyun jokes, but his voice sounds oddly breathy. Zitao just looks at him as though he has opened his eyes for the very first time, and Baekhyun is the first person he's ever seen.
÷
They walk back to Baekhyun's apartment in agonizing silence. In the movies, in the stories, finding one's soulmate is a joyous, emotional fanfare, with lots of smiling and kissing and hand-holding and crying. Baekhyun mostly just feels like his stomach is going to crawl up and out of his throat.
Soulmate.
The bond has a certain amount of permanence only broken through death. Baekhyun had already submitted to the apparent permanence of solitude, but is now being faced with the opportunity he only dared to dream of.
For Baekhyun, it's terrifying.
This person -- Zitao --
Luhan's words come rushing back to him. There is someone out there named Zitao who has your name on his sleeve. He will never be truly happy without you, and you will never be truly happy without him.
He doesn't feel happy right now. He feels like he could throw up, and maybe a little bit emotionally constipated, like all of his feelings are just condensed into a hard lump of emotional build-up in his chest and there's no way to force it out. Which is a really disgusting comparison, Baekhyun thinks idly. If this his how soulmates are supposed to make one another feel, then obviously everyone else is doing the whole soulmate thing wrong and Baekhyun is the only sane one on the face of the planet.
They enter the quiet apartment. There's no white noise cast by the rain to cover the silence between them. Baekhyun's heart is beating loud.
"So, um," Baekhyun starts. "This is where I live. It's not much, but. I think it's pretty okay. My roommates are in right now, but I'll introduce you when they get home..."
He's not looking at Zitao still, but he feels a hand wrap gently around his elbow, holding there for a moment before sliding down to encase his smaller hand. Baekhyun's head turns and his eyes glance down where Zitao's hand is enclosed around his before meeting Zitao's gaze, soft and hesitant but resolute. Baekhyun swallows hard.
"Are you scared?"
Zitao's voice is quiet, but it sinks through the silence like a weight through water, settling heavily.
"No," Baekhyun denies right away, too soon to be the truth, and they both know it. Baekhyun sighs in frustration. "Well, a little. I just -- I've gone without a name on my wrist for so long that I thought I didn't have a soulmate, and now here you are and -- well, you're here," he finishes lamely. He's having a hard time thinking straight.
"I'm sorry," Zitao says in that quiet voice, like it's his fault they weren't paired until recently. "We'll take things slow. If you want me to, I can even stay at that hotel for a few days to give you time to adjust. I get it, it's scary."
Baekhyun can't help the haughty glare he shoots Zitao. "What, and you're not scared?"
Zitao laughs, but the sound rings hollow and the smile is bitter. "Of course I am. But I've already gone through this once before, and you haven't."
What?
Baekhyun relays his thoughts. "What?" The pettiness is flushed right out of his expression, replaced by wide shock.
"I had another soulmate, but he died."
Baekhyun feels like someone has just slapped him. Baekhyun feels like he deserves to be slapped, for being so awkward and cold towards someone who probably deserves a whole lot more than Baekhyun. "Zitao, I'm..."
"I don't mean to say that so suddenly, but I don't want to keep secrets from you. I want you to know me. I had a soulmate for a few years. We travelled a lot. He lived in China with me, but he was Korean, and I wanted to learn Korean for him. He died over three months ago. I'm sorry it took me so long to try to find you."
"No, don't apologize. I can only imagine what it's like to lose someone like that. Were you..." Baekhyun gulps. "If I were you, I probably wouldn't have even tried to find another soulmate." Hell, he didn't even try to find his first soulmate.
"I didn't want to, at first," Zitao says, looking away from Baekhyun. "A new name -- Baekhyun, you -- showed up on my wrist the same day that he died. I was really mad at first. I thought it was an insult to him and to what we had. But then I thought --"
Zitao colors a bit. "What did you think?" Baekhyun presses.
"That there was someone out there who had my name on their wrist, too, and I didn't want them to feel alone like I did."
Baekhyun blinks.
"I know that sounds --" Zitao makes a face as his tongue clumsily dances around the word "pretentious," but Baekhyun cuts him off before he finishes the sentence anyway.
"No, I get it. I understand. I'm sorry you had to go through all of that."
Baekhyun can't tell whether Zitao's smile is happy or sad.
I think I want to know you, too, Baekhyun almost says. He doesn't. The words slide back down and rest heavy in his chest.
÷
Zitao is using the shower when Luhan and Sehun get home. "Baek?" Sehun calls out. "Whose crap is this?"
Baekhyun figits as he comes into the small intersection where the entryway, kitchen, and hallway meet, eyeing Zitao's open suitcase in the living room, which is what Sehun is referencing. "It's Zitao's."
His roommates look at him blankly for all of .5 seconds before Sehun is grinning widely and Luhan is shouting "As in your soulmate Zitao? This is amazing, Baekhyun, I'm so happy for you!"
Baekhyun gives them a weak smile.
He may not be 100% enthusiastic about this whole soulmate business, but at least someone is.
÷
Sehun sits down by Baekhyun on the latter's bed after dinner. Luhan and Tao have set themselves up in the living room, and Baekhyun can hear the soft-spoken Mandarin through the thin walls.
"So."
"Hm?"
"You didn't mention that your soulmate is really hot."
Baekhyun can feel the heat spreading across this face. "It must have slipped my mind," he mumbles.
Well, it doesn't really slip his mind at all. Zitao is tall and has gorgeous eyes and a beautiful smile and his chest looks really good when a wet shirt is plastered on it.
"Yeah, conveniently forgot, did you."
"Yep."
Sehun sighs and flops across Baekhyun's lap. He whines when Baekhyun pinches his stomach, but it isn't painful enough to warrant him moving. "Can you, like, distract Zitao so that he can stop talking with Luhan and we can go to bed?"
"It's important that they both have someone to talk to in their native language," Baekhyun replies.
"But me getting Luhan into our bed is also important."
"Of course it is," Baekhyun deadpans.
After dinner, Luhan and Zitao had settled into the living room to talk about -- Baekhyun doesn't know what, actually. He regrets not having studied Mandarin in school.
Sehun whines and grumbles until, finally, Luhan appears. Sehun makes grabby hands but Luhan smacks the wriggling fingers away. "Go wait for me in our room, I need to talk to Baekhyun."
"But Luhaaaaaan."
"No."
Sehun grumbles but obeys. Luhan turns to Baekhyun.
"Zitao told me about Jongdae."
"Who?"
"His last soulmate. I just." Luhan sighs and sits down by Baekhyun. "I have a theory. Maybe, you have always been meant to be together, but Zitao wasn't ready to be with you until Jongdae helped make him into the man he is now. You were being saved for this Zitao. That's why you didn't have a name until now. Does that make sense?"
"I...I think so, yeah."
"Think about it."
After Luhan leaves, Baekhyun takes out his phone and casually browses through the internet. He feels like he's waiting for something, but he doesn't know what. He glances at the door every few minutes. He's half-expecting Tao to walk in to go to bed -- they're soulmates, so it's only natural that they sleep together, right?
When it gets to the point where Baekhyun's too tired to stay up, he finally musters up the courage to go out into the living room to find Tao.
The lights are off, and Zitao is sleeping on the couch. He's too tall for the expanse of it and his feet and head are propped up on the arms to make a little more space, body slightly bent to accomodate his size under the small blanket.
Baekhyun frowns. He knows he hasn't exactly been the warmest to Zitao, but...
But it feels wrong sleeping in his own bed while his soulmate is out on the couch.
However, seeing as it would feel less appropriate to wake up Zitao just to drag him to a different bed, Baekhyun goes back to his own room and brings out a blanket to cover Zitao with, bigger and thicker than the panda-print one that Zitao must have brought with him. Zitao inhales deeply and shifts. Baekhyun holds his breath, not daring to move, but then Zitao settles back down again, face nuzzled into the new blanket.
Baekhyun goes back to bed, a little colder than what he's used to, but he likes keeping the temperature in his room a little higher anyways, so it's nothing unbearable. No, it's not the temperature that keeps him up; it's the thought that his soulmate is on the couch. Has Baekhyun been that chilly towards Zitao that his soulmate thought it would make more sense to sleep out in the living room without even asking for a blanket or pillows?
Eventually he just gives up, succumbing to the fact that if he stays in his bed he's just going to be up all night thinking about what an awful person he is for letting Zitao fall asleep on the couch. He brings his blanket and pillow out with him and situates himself on the floor next to the couch, wrapping himself up in his blanket burrito style.
He falls asleep surprisingly easily to the sound of Zitao breathing just above him.
÷
Baekhyun leaves the house before anyone else wakes up. He feels a little bad about leaving Zitao without an explanation about his job, what he does for a living, but he figures either Luhan or Sehun can fill Zitao in.
He gets to the office before Junmyeon does, as usual. He's going through emails that were sent overnight and earlier this morning when his boss walks in.
"Good morning, Baekhyun~" Junmyeon chirps cheerfully.
"Good morning, Junmyeon."
Then, like clockwork: "Did you find your soulmate yet?"
It's obvious that Junmyeon isn't expecting the affirmative hum Baekhyun gives in response.
"What? Really?"
"Yes. Last night, on my way home."
"Wow. Wow. Baekhyun, that's great! What's he like?!"
"He's...tall?" Baekhyun scrunches up his face. "I just met him. I don't know much about him..."
Baekhyun knows that he's the type to just fly to another country without making accomodation arrangements, which he thinks says a lot about his character. That means that Zitao is...spontaneous. Impulsive, maybe. And Baekhyun organizes and compartmentalizes and lashes out against change.
Hm. He can see why Zitao was chosen as his soulmate, maybe.
"Oh. When I met my soulmate, we stayed up talking all night. We were so excited, we didn't want to lose one second of being together, so we tried to stay up as long as we could getting to know each other."
Baekhyun almost makes a lewd comment but this is his boss, not Sehun, so he doesn't.
"I should make you take the day off to go bond with your soulmate some more."
Baekhyun gives him a flat look. Junmyeon laughs. "I know, I know. So! What's on the agenda today?"
÷
That night, Luhan and Sehun prod Zitao and Baekhyun out to have dinner together. Baekhyun is hesitant, but Zitao reassures him with that gentle smile and a hand pressing at the center of his back.
Baekhyun talks about his job, his weird relationship with his boss, his roommates, and Zitao talks about China and his job as a wushu instructor and how he hopes he can continue working at a gym full time in Korea now that he's going to be staying (which, oddly enough, makes an odd satisfaction curl in Baekhyun's stomach). Baekhyun even talks a little about his crush on his best friend, and a little about what it felt like when everyone else had found their soulmate when Baekhyun hadn't.
Baekhyun frowns. "I'm not saying all this to make you pity me. I just...I don't want to keep secrets from you. I think I want you to know who I am."
"I want to know you too. Thank you for telling me all this."
"I know--" Baekhyun pauses to swallow down the thickness in his throat. "I know I'm not the best soulmate, but please don't give up on me."
"Never," Zitao promises, just as quietly. And Baekhyun can't help but believe him.
They take their time walking home in the dark, stepping in and out of the warm glow of street lights and taking the back roads to avoid prying eyes. Zitao has a beautiful laugh, and his hand is warm pressed against Baekhyun's. Feeling uncharacteristically adventurous, Baekhyun stops in the light cast by a lamppost, pulling Zitao back. Zitao gives him a quizzical look, and Baekhyun grabs his face to hold the taller man in place and swoops up to kiss the edge of his mouth.
Zitao startles but then laughs again. He leans down and presses his lips to Baekhyun's forehead, a gentle pressure that makes Baekhyun's face light up in a brilliant smile that he can't seem to wipe off the entire way home.
He forces Zitao into sleeping with him in his bed (not that the man needs much goading. The couch is far from the most comfortable place to sleep, as evidenced by the stiffness in his back and neck). It's awkward at first, just a little bit -- they're soulmates, but they've only just met each other, and Baekhyun is feeling a little shy in the aftermath of his sudden bravado earlier this evening -- but Zitao just pulls him close and tucks Baekhyun's head under his chin.
Baekhyun thinks he might give this whole soulmate thing a try.
One