Gonna be who and me
Title: Gonna be who and me
Author: Anonymous until 1/30/14
For: evilmaknae0927
Pairing: Baekhyun/Chanyeol
Word Count: 6,419
Summary: Baekhyun always knew the exact difference between what you have and what you want. To him, it’s pretty obvious that sometimes you don’t get what you want; you get what there is for you to get.
Warnings: Mild language, mentions of sex.
Rating: PG-13
One
1. This isn’t a sad story
When Baekhyun was fourteen years old, his father told him, Son, you have to know who you are.
He had just come home, feeling angry and sad after failing another audition. He sat at the table with his parents and asked them if they could pay for him to get a double eyelid surgery, if he could go see a doctor to help with his growth, if he should dye his hair another color.
His mother shook her head. Why would you want to change anything about yourself? Your father is right, Baekhyun, and people should like you for who you are.
When he got scouted after his college entrance exam, he grabbed the opportunity with clenched teeth and a strong determination burning up his insides. He hesitated when they told him about the things he’d have to do in order to debut, but his hands didn’t tremble as he signed the contract. This won’t change who I am.
Now, at twenty-one, he sees his father standing in front of him as he waits for the stylist to finish his makeup. He sees his mother frowning as his manager tells him to laugh loudly after some member’s joke.
He sees his parents sighing deeply as he puts a fake smile on his face and walks towards the stage.
÷
It’s early in the morning and they’re leaving for the airport. The air is hot, the heat sticking to his skin, and Baekhyun sighs as he finally enters the car and the manager turns the air conditioner on. He feels a light tap on his shoulder, and turns his head to see Chanyeol grinning at him.
“Check this out,” he says and hands him one of his earphones.
The song starts playing, and Baekhyun hums, “It sounds nice. I like the beat.”
Chanyeol’s eyes lit up. “You think so? I composed it,” he tells proudly. “But I wasn’t sure if it was good or not.”
Baekhyun smiles. “I really like it, Chanyeol. You should show the hyungs your song and maybe we can use it for our next album?”
Chanyeol drops his arm on Baekhyun’s shoulders and laughs. “I don’t think the song is good enough, but thanks, Baek.”
He closes his eyes and rests his head on Chanyeol’s chest, smelling his nice perfume. It’s comfortable, and he feels Chanyeol’s breath on his hair, slow and steady. He plays idly with the earphone’s cord while Chanyeol trails his fingers down his arm.
Baekhyun hears Jongin and Sehun fighting in the back of the car, arguing over a stupid game, and wants to tell them to shut up, but his body feels so heavy he can’t talk.
“Guys, cut if off,” Chanyeol scolds, his arm tightening around Baekhyun. “Some people are trying to rest here.”
“Sorry, hyung,” they say, but continue to argue quietly, Sehun slapping Jongin’s hand off his phone.
“Are you sleepy, Baekhyun?” Chanyeol asks softly. “We still have a few minutes until we arrive at the airport, you can nap if you want.”
Baekhyun shakes his head.
“I know you haven’t been resting a lot, and you look tired.” Chanyeol says, brows furrowed. He traces a line on Baekhyun’s face, starting from his temples to his jawline.
Baekhyun feels a pang in his chest. “I’m fine, don’t worry.”
Chanyeol stares at him for a few seconds, but grins widely. “If you say so.”
As soon as they arrive, Chanyeol disentangles himself from Baekhyun, and leaves the car, beaming at the fans who scream at them. Baekhyun looks at his back and smiles hesitantly when Chanyeol turns around to call him.
When he touches Baekhyun’s arm, some fans shout loudly, and Chanyeol winks at him as he gets whisked away by Jongdae.
÷
Baekhyun watches as the fans swarm around the stage, screaming and taking pictures. Some of them are waving banners and fansigns, and he catches glimpses of his name here and there.
It’s one of their last performances before the upcoming comeback, and there’s a bittersweet taste in his mouth as the host asks about their thoughts on the new song. He’s excited, of course, but also drained and tired.
He closes his eyes just for a second, right before Chanyeol and Jongdae start their duet, and smiles as a fan shouts for him.
After they finish the last song and leave the stage, Baekhyun gets into the car and rests his head on the window. He can still feel the excitement of performing in front of tons of people, the blood rushing in his ears just like the cheers of the fans.
Byun Baekhyun, I love you!
He looks outside as the road passes by, watching the bright spring flowers decorating the streets, and sighs quietly. The other members are already sleeping, exhausted after a hard day of practice and performances.
His phone vibrates in his pocket, and he picks it up to read a new text message. He smiles at his friend congratulating him for the comeback, reminding Baekhyun not to forget about him. Don’t you dare ditch your friends, Byun Baekhyun!
It feels like they know and love him the same. Is there a difference, he wonders, between Byun Baekhyun and EXO’s Baekhyun?
÷
Before their debut, long before they even knew they’d be in the same group, Chanyeol took Baekhyun to meet his family. He proudly introduced him to his parents and sister, and they spent the day laughing at old pictures from Chanyeol’s childhood and eating rice cakes.
Baekhyun listened as Chanyeol talked about an old friend he had fought with. I miss him, he said with a faraway look in his eyes, and Baekhyun awkwardly patted Chanyeol on the back.
“He reminds me a lot of you, actually,” Chanyeol said.
“But hopefully we won’t end the same way,” Baekhyun remarked with a grin.
Chanyeol laughed and shook his head. “I’m sure we won’t.”
÷
These past few days Baekhyun hasn’t been feeling like himself. He looks at the mirror and sees the flaws on his skin; he sings their new song, and cringes as his voice doesn’t hit the right notes.
There’s a hollow feeling inside his chest that doesn’t go away, and it doesn’t help that, when Chanyeol grabs his hand and interlaces his fingers, he feels like his skin’s on fire.
It’s over in a moment, but Baekhyun swears he can still sense Chanyeol’s fingers digging into his palm.
÷
“Let’s take a break,” their dance instructor says. “Ten minutes.”
Baekhyun drops to the floor with a grunt. He breathes heavily through his nose, willing the pain in his legs to go away. Next to him, Jongdae slides down, resting his forehead on his knees.
“I can’t take this anymore,” Jongdae pants. “Let’s run away.”
Baekhyun snorts. “Where would we go?”
“I don’t know. Anywhere.” He lifts his head and pokes Baekhyun’s calf. “We could earn money singing on the streets.”
“Just the two of us?” He grins.
“We can make it if we try, baby.” Jongdae winks and Baekhyun bursts out laughing.
He gets up, stretching his arms. He surveys the training room and sees everyone sprawled on the floor. “Alright. Let’s do it.”
They wait until their instructor is busy talking to a backup dancer, and quietly leave the room. They run, laughing hard and dodging the staff who yell at them to stop. They almost collide with some seniors, shouting apologies and giving thankful smiles as they help their escapade by slowing down the managers going after them.
They succeed in getting out of the company building, running down a few more streets just to be safe.
“So, what’s next?” Baekhyun asks after they regain their breaths, slowly balancing himself on the sidewalk. “I didn’t bring any money. Didn’t even get my phone.”
“Don’t worry. I got this for us,” Jongdae announces as he fishes something out of his pocket. He brandishes it proudly and Baekhyun smiles broadly.
“Joonmyun hyung’s credit card.”
÷
“Hyung is going to kill us,” Jongdae comments offhandedly as he eats a burger. “But I’m so hungry I am finding it hard to care right now.” He sips his milkshake and closes his eyes with a blissful look on his face.
Baekhyun snickers. “He’s going to get angrier about us eating the food than for stealing his credit card.” He slowly chews on a french fry. “What if we don’t fit in the costumes?”
“Yeah, I’d be worried too. I mean, your thighs…” He snorts at Baekhyun’s indignant look. “What? They’re huge, man.”
“Excuse me? My thighs are perfect the way they are. And I’ll have you know the fans like them like this too.”
“Not only them, I bet.” Jongdae smirks. “The other day I saw Kris hyung staring at your legs as you stretched. Your ass looks good, I’ll give you that.”
“Shut up,” he laughs out loudly and throws a french fry at Jongdae.
They eat in silence for a few minutes. Baekhyun looks outside and sees people mingling around, groups of friends chatting, parents playing with their kids. He smiles softly and thinks about his own family and friends, and how he misses them.
“Chanyeol’s asking for you.”
He blinks, startled, and turns his gaze to Jongdae. “What?”
Jongdae’s staring at his phone, a straw hanging out his mouth. “Yeah, he asked where we went, and if you were alright.” He squints his eyes. “Everyone’s talking in our group chat but I’m afraid of opening it. I don’t want to know what our punishment is going to be.”
“Maybe we shouldn’t have skipped training, I don’t know.” Baekhyun can already picture it in his head: Joonmyun sitting them down and talking about responsibilities, expectations and, he shudders, feelings.
Jongdae hums in response and types something on his phone. He puts it back in his pocket and looks at Baekhyun. “But I think it was good? Ditching practice,” he asks.
Baekhyun smiles at that. He’s pretty sure Jongdae had already planned this, and was only waiting for Baekhyun to say something first. “Yes, I think I needed this.”
Jongdae nods and grins at him in response. “I know you did,” he says, and his tone is so very warm that it suddenly reminds Baekhyun why he is one of his best friends. Kind and considerate Jongdae, always worrying about those he cares about.
“Thanks,” Baekhyun laughs quietly, playing with the wrappers on the table. He was never the type to talk freely about his feelings; he doesn’t know how to share his personal troubles and cringes at the mere thought of revealing his secrets. But, if not with Jongdae, then with who else?
Baekhyun remembers crying with Jongdae back when they were recording the first album. Feeling like a failure because his singing wouldn’t come out the way the producers wanted, or having to stay up until late to catch up with the dance practice. He can still sense the burn on his cheeks, the shame for not being able to do as he was told, for being weak and crying when it was all too much. And Jongdae had only sat by his side, putting his arms around his shoulders and telling him everything would be alright. We will get through this together.
Baekhyun’s eyebrows furrow and he feels his throat constrict. He tries to will away the prickling sensation at the back of his eyes, and murmurs almost inaudibly, “It’s like I don’t know who I am anymore.”
But the look on Jongdae’s face lets him know he heard him.
÷
2. The subtleties that count
Baekhyun wakes up with a start and immediately grabs his phone. He squints, trying to adjust his eyes to the sudden bright light on his face. It’s an incoming call from an unknown number. He sighs and declines it.
Maybe it’s another fan. Maybe it’s a friend he forgot to save the number.
He looks at the time and groans quietly. It’s late, so that probably wasn’t a friend. He feels heavy and slow, and his head aches just from thinking about getting up in a few hours. Today they have a schedule, a recording of a reality show, and they need to arrive early at the broadcast station for the script reading.
Baekhyun doesn’t want to get out of bed. He wants to sleep in and just get up to eat, and then go right back to bed. He doesn’t remember the last time he slept more than four hours straight.
Last night he had called his mother and whined about missing her homemade food. She laughed quietly and told him next week she’d drop by his dorm to cook for him and the others. It made Baekhyun feel bad, but his mom always reminded him how she could use a few excuses to get out of work earlier and go visit him.
He goes back to sleep with the memories of his mom singing softly in the kitchen, calling him to dinner.
÷
He is too caring, Baekhyun observes as Chanyeol helps Jongin with his rap, patiently teaching him the right way to intone a certain word or when to breathe before starting the chorus.
He feels his heart squeeze as Chanyeol gently smiles at Jongin, congratulating him on a job well done, and turns his face away when Chanyeol looks at his direction and waves at him.
“Baekhyun!” he calls, but Baekhyun pretends not to hear and instead goes to Jongdae’s side, intertwining their arms and resting his head on his shoulder.
“What’s wrong?” Jongdae asks, looking at him with worried eyes.
Baekhyun shakes his head. “It’s nothing.”
He feels like beating himself up. Last night he searched his and Chanyeol’s name just to see what would pop out, and spent hours browsing through the amount of posts he found about them. He had done it before, right when they debuted, and scoffed at the fans’ imagination.
But this time it felt different. He stared at their pictures, saw the way Chanyeol sometimes looked at him, so soft and kind, making his breath catch.
He thinks about Chanyeol all the time. When they’re training, when they’re performing, when they’re giving an interview, he can’t stop his gaze from going to Chanyeol, and to better pretend nothing’s happening, he tries his best to stay away from him, always choosing the furthest seat away.
But it’s like he can’t escape. It’s like he’s going crazy.
÷
They decide to have dinner at a nearby restaurant. They had just finished practice when Joonmyun suggested grabbing something to eat. “Because you’ve all been very good,” he smirked, and Baekhyun felt that he stared a bit too long at him.
Chanyeol sits next to Baekhyun, and asks, “What are you getting, Baekhyun?”
Grabbing the menu, Baekhyun swiftly avoids his eyes. “I don’t know yet, I’m not that hungry.”
There’s an awkward silence between them, and Baekhyun closes his eyes.
(It’s all my fault.)
“Listen,” Chanyeol starts. “Is something wrong?”
Baekhyun taps his fingers on the table, looking at everyone talking at the same time and trying to decide what to order.
“No,” he simply says.
“Then why are you avoiding me?”
“I’m not avoiding you.”
“Bullshit,” Chanyeol says hotly, and Sehun, who’s sitting next to him, turns his head and lifts his eyebrows in surprise.
“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun warns. “Let’s not talk about this in here,” he says, shaking his head and smiling lightly at Sehun, telling him not to worry.
“Then where? Because all you do is run away from me. You can’t even look me in the eye,” he scoffs.
Baekhyun feels his blood boil, and wants to argue, but what can he say if Chanyeol’s telling the truth?
“Please, stop. It’s fine, Chanyeol, everything’s fine.”
Maybe Chanyeol sees something on his face, because he sighs quietly and looks the other way.
Baekhyun knows he won’t let this go, so before he can start it again, he gets up and asks Kyungsoo to change seats with him, claiming he doesn’t want to stay next to the grill.
He’s a liar, and as he feels Chanyeol’s gaze on him during the whole dinner, he’s sure Chanyeol knows it as well.
÷
The past two months pass in a blur to Baekhyun. Music shows every week, the first win for the new song, the criticism they received and their explosive new popularity. It’s not hard to forget your own problems when you have so much to do, going to radio shows and variety programs, in addition to practicing for the follow up song.
He tries to fool himself, though. He ignores the way the members look at him when he once again avoids talking to Chanyeol, when he gives a lame excuse and locks himself up in his room.
Baekhyun knows he’s wrong for doing it. He knows that he’s hurting Chanyeol, and he misses his friend, but he can’t help it.
It’s obvious something’s going on with him, and it’s not easy to act like he’s fine in front of the cameras. He tries to smile the brightest, tries to laugh and crack jokes, and be the happy and bubbly guy the fans got used to, but it’s not easy at all.
His members try their best to make him feel better without approaching the matter. They hug him close, and whisper encouragements, telling him he’s doing a good job. But Baekhyun knows better, and when his manager comes and tells him he’ll be having a duet with Chanyeol at their next radio appearance, he knows he’s being punished for not being professional enough.
÷
Baekhyun always knew the exact difference between what you have and what you want. He grew up with his parents telling him to wait for his turn, to be patient and accepting.
When you’re the youngest in your family, you learn that, one way or another, you’ll end up with your sibling’s old stuff. It doesn’t matter if you want them or not.
So it’s pretty obvious to Baekhyun that sometimes you don’t get what you want; you get what there is for you to get.
Still, why does he feels like holding Chanyeol’s hand? Why does he want Chanyeol to keep touching him even after they left the stage?
He knows the difference, but pretends it doesn’t hurt that the Chanyeol he wants is the one he can’t have.
÷
One day Jongdae asks, “Don’t you think you have avoided Chanyeol long enough?”
He has that look in his eyes, the one that tells Baekhyun he won’t be able to escape this conversation, but it doesn’t mean he can’t try to. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he answers and flushes immediately, knowing he’s being ridiculous.
Jongdae never fails to remember him this, though. “You’re so dumb,” he says. “Even dumber because we already talked about this, and you’re the one who told me about avoiding Chanyeol. But I’m surprised no one said anything until now, our members are even worse.”
“What is there to talk about, then?” Baekhyun asks seriously. “I told you everything already.”
“Yeah, but you forgot to mention the little fact that you want Chanyeol’s tiny dick but somehow is still in denial?” he retorts, grinning as Baekhyun’s eyes widen.
“Are you serious?” he asks, voice cracking. “Are you stupid?”
“Yes,” he smirks. “And no, the only one who’s stupid is you. Stupid in love,” he cackles, avoiding the pillow Baekhyun throws in his direction.
They wrestle until Baekhyun gives up and Jongdae celebrates his victory by sitting on Baekhyun’s stomach. “You’re so heavy, get off,” Baekhyun groans.
He tries to shove him away, but when Jongdae doesn’t buckle he looks up and catches him staring at him. “But seriously, Baekhyun, talk to Chanyeol. It’s been two months already. How do you think he’s feeling right now?”
Baekhyun plays with a loose thread on Jongdae’s sweatpants and sighs. “I know…”
“It’s not that hard. Just go to him and say: Chanyeol, sorry for being an asshole these past few months, I was just deeply confused about wanting your cock up my ass. I’m sure he’ll be very glad to help you.”
Baekhyun stares at him, trying to maintain a serious face, but ends up laughing until there are tears at the corner of his eyes. “You’re such a jerk, oh my God.”
Jongdae grins at him, proud. “Just talk to him, Baek. It’s going to be alright,” he tells, going back to the magazine he was reading before.
÷
“I want you to sing this with me.”
Baekhyun stares as Chanyeol barges in their room, waving a piece of paper agitatedly. He slowly closes his laptop, and scoots over in the bed, resting his back against the headboard. “What is it?” he asks.
Chanyeol hands him the sheet, not saying anything. He looks nervous. Baekhyun blinks up at him in confusion.
He turns his gaze down and notices he’s holding a lyrics sheet. He slowly reads the words, and flushes. It’s a love song, with cheesy lyrics and a pleasant melody, and it makes him feel embarrassed.
“Do you want to sing this for our duet?” he laughs uncomfortably. “Are you sure, Chanyeol?”
“You told me I could pick the song.” Chanyeol frowns, looking down at his sock clad feet.
“Yes, but…” Baekhyun trails off. “I thought you would chose a more upbeat song.” It’s not that Baekhyun thinks it’s a bad song, he has heard it before and it is nice and sweet. The only thing is that, “I don’t think this song suits us.”
There’s silence for a moment, and Baekhyun peers up at Chanyeol uneasily. He’s anxious, twisting his hands on his lap, and contemplates Chanyeol’s possible reactions. Maybe he’ll get angry at Baekhyun for not agreeing with his choice, maybe he’ll laugh it off and pick another song. Maybe he’ll just give up on their duet, because Baekhyun doesn’t think he’s been doing much for their collaboration.
“And why is that, Baekhyun?” Chanyeol quietly says, a strange emotion passing on his face. “Why do you think a love song doesn’t match us?”
Baekhyun feels a tingling sensation at the tips of his fingers, and curls them around the lyrics sheet. His face feels like it’s burning, and suddenly the room seems too small - too small for only him and Chanyeol.
(Chanyeol is very mean.)
“That’s not what I meant, Chanyeol,” he replies. “But maybe our fans would like a happier song?” he suggests, and knows he’s not fooling anyone.
Chanyeol stares at him, and Baekhyun lies to himself telling he doesn’t know why he feels so bad for disappointing him.
“Yeah, Baek, but I didn’t choose this song for our fans,” he says, shaking his head and leaving the room.
Baekhyun wonders if the way his heart is breaking is the same as Chanyeol’s did when he left him countless times.
÷
Baekhyun is watching TV at their dorm when Joonmyun sits next to him. They don’t say anything for a while, and Baekhyun observes from the corner of his eyes Joonmyun laughing quietly at the movie.
At the commercial break, Joonmyun clears his throat and Baekhyun knows what’s coming next.
“Will you tell hyung what’s bothering you, Baekhyun?”
Baekhyun hugs the cushion to his chest and rests his chin on it.
“I know you like to keep your privacy, but whatever is going on with you is affecting your performance. I don’t want to pry on your personal business, I just want to help you.”
“Hyung, I just…” he trails off. Joonmyun is looking at him with thoughtful and expectant eyes, but Baekhyun is afraid of saying what’s on his mind. “It’s nothing you have to worry about. I promise it won’t affect me in front of the cameras again,” he instead says.
“Baekhyun, you can talk to me,” Joonmyun tries again.
“But it’s fine, hyung. Maybe Byun Baekhyun is not feeling his best, but EXO’s Baekhyun won’t let it get him down,” he nods, not knowing if he’s trying to convince his leader or himself.
Joonmyun looks at him weirdly. “What are you talking about? There’s only one Baekhyun.”
Baekhyun shakes his head. “But I’m not the same in front of you and in front of the fans.”
“Of course you’re not,” Joonmyun says. “But that doesn’t mean you’re two different people. It doesn’t mean the Baekhyun I’m talking to right now is not the Baekhyun I will talk tomorrow at our performance.”
Baekhyun stays silent, fidgeting in his seat. He lowers the volume on the TV, watching the main characters fighting about something stupid.
“Maybe I should’ve worked it with you sooner. I’m sorry, sometimes I forget you had such a short time of training.” He touches Baekhyun’s shoulder. “There’s a line we must draw between our personal and professional lives. You can’t let what happens in one affect the other, that’s true, but you have feelings too, Baekhyun,” he sighs. “And it’s impossible to pretend you’re fine all the time when you’re not.”
“But, hyung, then how am I supposed to know who I really am?” Baekhyun asks quietly.
“Don’t you already know the answer for this question, Baekhyun?” Joonmyun answers with a smile, and laughs when Baekhyun shakes his head. “You’re simply Baekhyun. Byun Baekhyun, Baekhyunnie, EXO’s Baekhyun. They’re all the same.”
Joonmyun waits a few moments for Baekhyun’s reply, but when it never comes, he sighs.
“Just remember you’ll always have me to talk to whenever you need it, alright? Stop keeping things to yourself all the time.” He gets up, leaving Baekhyun alone in the room.
Baekhyun ponders Joonmyun’s words carefully. He is right, and maybe the problem is that Baekhyun thinks he’s forgetting who he is, but that isn’t true at all.
He wants to laugh at his own stupidity.
÷
The next time Chanyeol tries to talk to him, he doesn’t run away. They just got back from China, and are entering the dorm when Chanyeol quietly grabs Baekhyun’s wrist and murmurs a softly, defeated, “Baekhyun…”
Baekhyun looks up and smiles awkwardly. “Hey,” he says, pulling his arm free from Chanyeol’s grasp. “Should we talk?”
Chanyeol sighs, relieved, and nods, leaving for their shared room with Baekhyun trailing behind.
He closes the door and stares at the floor. There’s silence between them, until Chanyeol breaks it by asking, “Did I do something wrong, Baekhyun? Why are you avoiding me?”
Baekhyun shakes his head. “You did nothing wrong.”
And Chanyeol looks so sad, so hurt, that Baekhyun feels like throwing up. His brows are furrowed, and his mouth is set into a frown, like he’s trying very hard not to scream at him. “Do you hate me or something?”
“No!” Baekhyun assures. “Chanyeol, I don’t hate you,” he firmly states. “I don’t think I could ever hate you,” he says the last part in a murmur, but is sure Chanyeol hears it, because he’s so close, almost invading Baekhyun’s personal space.
“I don’t understand, then.” He grabs Baekhyun’s hand and brings it to his chest. “I miss you.”
Chanyeol is looking at him with soft eyes and Baekhyun sees something there that makes him want to cry. “I just…” he stops and closes his eyes.
“Baekhyun.” Chanyeol is so close, so much closer, he can feel his breath on his face. “Why are you pushing me away?”
Baekhyun trembles, because he’s not sure if he just felt Chanyeol’s lips on his cheek. “What are you doing, Chanyeol?”
Chanyeol has his hands on his waist, gripping it tight. “Please, Baekhyun, just tell me what’s wrong,” he says, sounding desperate.
Baekhyun feels like shit because he just hurt the person he likes the most. He’s the one who made Chanyeol suffer and think he was unwanted, when actually,
“I want you so much, Chanyeol, I don’t even understand,” he blurts and feels his cheeks heat up in mortification.
There’s silence for a moment, until he feels Chanyeol’s chest tremble. He looks up, surprised, and gets angry at the image of Chanyeol laughing at him. He tries to push him away, but Chanyeol snakes his arms around him and hug him close.
“Let me go,” he says, fuming. He wants to die from embarrassment.
“No, Baekhyun!” Chanyeol cries, still laughing. “I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at you.”
“Oh, no? Then why are you laughing, asshole?” Baekhyun snaps.
“I’m just so relieved. I thought you were never going to admit it,” he says, trying to suppress his laughter. He clears his throat, blushing. “I’m sure I’m being very obvious right now, but in case it isn’t clear enough for you, I want you too, Baekhyun,” he smiles, and it’s such a bright and happy smile Baekhyun feels his knee weaken.
“No way,” he mutters after processing what Chanyeol said. “You can’t be serious.”
Chanyeol raises an eyebrow, looking affronted. “Excuse me? Let me show you how serious I am.”
He leans in, and Baekhyun closes his eyes in anticipation.
It’s dope.
÷
3. They stare at me while I stare at you
Chanyeol presses Baekhyun against the door and nuzzles his nose against Baekhyun’s neck, breathing him in. He grabs Baekhyun’s hand and interlaces their fingers. “Baekhyun, I’m serious.”
Baekhyun shudders. “What?” He turns his head to the side and Chanyeol bites the skin below his ear, a red bruise appearing on his skin. “Don’t do that,” he moans quietly.
Chanyeol feels like his skin is on fire. His eyes are burning, and all he can smell and taste is Baekhyun. Baekhyun, who feels so good against him, with closed eyes and parted lips. He licks a strip of skin from Baekhyun’s adam’s apple to his mouth, nibbling on his upper lip and kissing the sting.
He draws nearer, their bodies so close he can feel Baekhyun’s chest rising as he breathes. “You’re so beautiful,” he murmurs as he kisses Baekhyun’s red cheeks. “I want you all to myself.” He runs a hand under Baekhyun’s shirt, feeling his soft skin.
Baekhyun clutches Chanyeol’s shoulders, running his nails down his back. “Chanyeol,” he whispers, glancing up and licking his lips. He touches Chanyeol’s nape lightly, and grabs his hair, lowering his head until their faces are inches apart. He tilts his head, and presses a soft kiss on the corner of Chanyeol’s lips.
And Chanyeol’s heart lurches. Because all he wants is to have Baekhyun, lovely Baekhyun, who smiles softly at him, with eyes so bright. “You have to know,” he starts. “You have to know, Baekhyun, that I’m always looking at you. That you’re the only thing on my mind.”
Chanyeol rests his hand on Baekhyun’s waist, and slowly lowers his hand to his ass, bringing them even closer. Dropping his head once more, he licks his way into Baekhyun’s mouth, running his tongue over his lips and biting them. Baekhyun squeezes his eyes shut, moaning. He eagerly responds, wrapping his arms around Chanyeol’s neck and grinding against him.
He flattens Baekhyun against the door, kissing his neck and making Baekhyun squirm in place. “Chanyeol,” he pants. “Not on my neck,” he tells, turning his head and pressing his lips against his cheek, leaving a wet trail until Chanyeol’s mouth, sucking on his lips.
Tugging at his hair, Chanyeol separates them, making Baekhyun blink dazedly up. Chanyeol smiles at that, and whispers hotly against Baekhyun’s ear, “Do you understand what I’m trying to show you, Baekhyun?”
Baekhyun sluggishly nods, and Chanyeol doesn’t think he has ever seen someone as pretty as Baekhyun looks in that moment. Because of Chanyeol, Baekhyun’s breathing hard, face flushed and lips red and swollen. Chanyeol wants to kiss him again, because his mouth looks so inviting. Adjusting his grip on Baekhyun, he keeps him close. “Do you believe me now?”
Baekhyun looks so cute, embarrassed and avoiding eye contact, it makes Chanyeol want to squeeze him. “You know, Baekhyun, I have liked you for a long time. And I like everything about you, really. From the tip of your cute nose to the tip of your toes,” he says and internally cheers at Baekhyun’s affronted look.
“Wha-” Baekhyun starts, but Chanyeol doesn’t let him finish.
“I like how you can’t keep your mouth shut from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to bed.” He grins. “But when you started avoiding me, I didn’t know what to think. Did I do something wrong? Did you hate me?” Baekhyun looks guilty, ready to apologize, but Chanyeol shakes his head. “It’s fine, though, because I understand what you were going through. You weren’t speaking to me, but I could tell.”
Chanyeol presses a finger in between Baekhyun’s furrowed brows. “Chanyeol, I’m sorry.”
He smiles and nods. “It’s okay, I’m sorry too. I’m just glad you decided to stop running away from me,” he says softly. “I like you so much.”
“I like you too,” Baekhyun says, burrowing his face on Chanyeol’s chest. “I’m sorry for fucking things up between us.”
Chanyeol sighs and nods. “It’s fine now.”
“But, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun speaks after some time. “How did you know I liked you too?” he asks curiously.
“Well, that’s funny,” Chanyeol grins. “I wasn’t sure, although I had my suspicions, but then I received an anonymous text on my phone that said, BYUN BAEKHYUN WANTS YOUR DICK, all capital letters.”
He can feel Baekhyun’s fury in waves from his body, and tries his best not to laugh. “I’m going to kill Jongdae.”
Chanyeol doesn’t tell he later discovered the text came from Kyungsoo.
÷
“So.”
Baekhyun doesn’t look up from his phone. “What’s up, Jongdae.”
Jongdae drops on the couch beside him, putting his arm around his shoulders and nudging him with his head. “Tell me, tell me. Tell me everything.”
“Jesus, back off, dude,” Baekhyun pushes him away.
Jongdae pouts. “Don’t be mean!” he says and tries to hug Baekhyun again. While Baekhyun is fighting him off, he notices the dark spot on his neck. “Is that a hickey on your neck?” he laughs.
Baekhyun flushes. “Fuck off.”
“So, I guess things worked out fine in the end?” Jongdae asks. “Is little Chanyeol everything you dreamed about? Wait, don’t tell me. I definitely don’t want to know,” he gags.
“You are ridiculous and I hope you choke and die soon,” Baekhyun replies seriously. “But for your information, yes, things are fine now between me and Chanyeol.”
Jongdae laughs, “I’m happy, then. No one could stand the tension between you guys anymore.”
Baekhyun nods and grins. “But seriously, Jongdae, thanks. You helped me get through a lot.”
“You aren’t going to cry now, are you?” he asks, horrified.
Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “No, I’m not going to cry.”
“Thanks God,” he sighs, relieved. “For a moment I thought I saw your eyes a little too shiny… But I guess that’s just your evil soul trying to break free.”
“You are such an asshole,” Baekhyun laughs. “I was trying to be nice and thank you properly, but you treat everything as a joke.”
Jongdae smiles at him. “It’s fine, though, because you’re my best friend. And best friends help each other through everything and love each other...” He jumps Baekhyun and hugs him until Baekhyun’s purple from the lack of oxygen.
Still, he’s glad he’s got Jongdae.
÷
Things didn’t change that much after their talk. Baekhyun still doesn’t want to cuddle up in public and rejects Chanyeol at every opportunity. It doesn’t mean, though, that when they’re in the privacy of their room, he doesn’t show how glad he is for Chanyeol’s little demonstrations of affection.
“Wow,” Chanyeol pants. “If that’s what I get for proposing to you in public, I wonder if I try to kiss you next…”
Baekhyun grins at him, wiping the side of his mouth. “Just try it and I’ll punch you in the dick.”
“Ouch,” Chanyeol winces. “So mean. Hurting the love of your life.”
Baekhyun laughs, happy and carefree. “You’re so silly. But I guess it is indeed a nice dick,” he looks blissed out.
Chanyeol smiles proudly, because really. “Come here,” he pulls Baekhyun up until he’s sitting on his lap. Tugging Baekhyun’s head lower, Chanyeol presses their lips together and contently hums, licking Baekhyun’s hot mouth.
Baekhyun makes a face after they separate, pretending to throw up, but instantly grins and kisses Chanyeol’s cheek. “Let’s go for another round, I still have to thank you for that new plaid shirt you gave me.”
Chanyeol closes his eyes and groans, dropping his hands on the bed. “Ah, my life is so hard.”
÷
There are times when Baekhyun still doesn’t feel like himself. When he wakes up cranky after a bad night of sleep, when the stylists try to put too much make up on him, when the hosts keep asking him to do cute stuff.
Still, there are other times when Baekhyun understands the meaning of what he’s doing. When he’s on stage, singing and hearing the cheers of the fans, the sweat going down his face, the anticipation of giving a good performance and entertaining people.
When Baekhyun was fourteen years old, his father told him, Son, you have to know who you are.
But when Baekhyun was nineteen years old, as he was about to sign his contract, his father said to him, Life is only a path full of efforts, and you’ll learn as you go on.
His mom often drops into the dorm, bringing cookies and other sweets for everyone. She’s always smiling when she visits, and always insists in having some time alone with him.
She never fails to ask, Are you okay? Just like his father does when he visits home.
Sometimes he doesn’t answer. Sometimes he whines, asking them for the silliest things, like the cake he used to eat when he was a child or that they spend an afternoon watching dumb movies.
But other times, he smiles genuinely at them, and it’s not insincere when he says, I’m alright.
For Baekhyun, there’s a purpose for every choice he has made so far. Sometimes he may wonder how his life would have turned out if he hadn’t decided to pursue his dream, but as he watches the members and Chanyeol excitedly smiling and calling his name, he knows he has made the right decision.
A/N:
To evilmaknae0927, I hope you enjoyed this story! I’m really sorry if it isn’t what you were expecting :(. I had a blast writing for your prompt, though! It was really fun and made possible for me to work with several different ideas.
All my love to a, b, c and s. They were the ones who listened to my cries and frustrations, and made me go on. Thank you guys so much for all the help.
And to everyone else who read this far, thanks for taking the time to read my story. I hope you were able to enjoy it too.
One
Author: Anonymous until 1/30/14
For: evilmaknae0927
Pairing: Baekhyun/Chanyeol
Word Count: 6,419
Summary: Baekhyun always knew the exact difference between what you have and what you want. To him, it’s pretty obvious that sometimes you don’t get what you want; you get what there is for you to get.
Warnings: Mild language, mentions of sex.
Rating: PG-13
One
1. This isn’t a sad story
When Baekhyun was fourteen years old, his father told him, Son, you have to know who you are.
He had just come home, feeling angry and sad after failing another audition. He sat at the table with his parents and asked them if they could pay for him to get a double eyelid surgery, if he could go see a doctor to help with his growth, if he should dye his hair another color.
His mother shook her head. Why would you want to change anything about yourself? Your father is right, Baekhyun, and people should like you for who you are.
When he got scouted after his college entrance exam, he grabbed the opportunity with clenched teeth and a strong determination burning up his insides. He hesitated when they told him about the things he’d have to do in order to debut, but his hands didn’t tremble as he signed the contract. This won’t change who I am.
Now, at twenty-one, he sees his father standing in front of him as he waits for the stylist to finish his makeup. He sees his mother frowning as his manager tells him to laugh loudly after some member’s joke.
He sees his parents sighing deeply as he puts a fake smile on his face and walks towards the stage.
÷
It’s early in the morning and they’re leaving for the airport. The air is hot, the heat sticking to his skin, and Baekhyun sighs as he finally enters the car and the manager turns the air conditioner on. He feels a light tap on his shoulder, and turns his head to see Chanyeol grinning at him.
“Check this out,” he says and hands him one of his earphones.
The song starts playing, and Baekhyun hums, “It sounds nice. I like the beat.”
Chanyeol’s eyes lit up. “You think so? I composed it,” he tells proudly. “But I wasn’t sure if it was good or not.”
Baekhyun smiles. “I really like it, Chanyeol. You should show the hyungs your song and maybe we can use it for our next album?”
Chanyeol drops his arm on Baekhyun’s shoulders and laughs. “I don’t think the song is good enough, but thanks, Baek.”
He closes his eyes and rests his head on Chanyeol’s chest, smelling his nice perfume. It’s comfortable, and he feels Chanyeol’s breath on his hair, slow and steady. He plays idly with the earphone’s cord while Chanyeol trails his fingers down his arm.
Baekhyun hears Jongin and Sehun fighting in the back of the car, arguing over a stupid game, and wants to tell them to shut up, but his body feels so heavy he can’t talk.
“Guys, cut if off,” Chanyeol scolds, his arm tightening around Baekhyun. “Some people are trying to rest here.”
“Sorry, hyung,” they say, but continue to argue quietly, Sehun slapping Jongin’s hand off his phone.
“Are you sleepy, Baekhyun?” Chanyeol asks softly. “We still have a few minutes until we arrive at the airport, you can nap if you want.”
Baekhyun shakes his head.
“I know you haven’t been resting a lot, and you look tired.” Chanyeol says, brows furrowed. He traces a line on Baekhyun’s face, starting from his temples to his jawline.
Baekhyun feels a pang in his chest. “I’m fine, don’t worry.”
Chanyeol stares at him for a few seconds, but grins widely. “If you say so.”
As soon as they arrive, Chanyeol disentangles himself from Baekhyun, and leaves the car, beaming at the fans who scream at them. Baekhyun looks at his back and smiles hesitantly when Chanyeol turns around to call him.
When he touches Baekhyun’s arm, some fans shout loudly, and Chanyeol winks at him as he gets whisked away by Jongdae.
÷
Baekhyun watches as the fans swarm around the stage, screaming and taking pictures. Some of them are waving banners and fansigns, and he catches glimpses of his name here and there.
It’s one of their last performances before the upcoming comeback, and there’s a bittersweet taste in his mouth as the host asks about their thoughts on the new song. He’s excited, of course, but also drained and tired.
He closes his eyes just for a second, right before Chanyeol and Jongdae start their duet, and smiles as a fan shouts for him.
After they finish the last song and leave the stage, Baekhyun gets into the car and rests his head on the window. He can still feel the excitement of performing in front of tons of people, the blood rushing in his ears just like the cheers of the fans.
Byun Baekhyun, I love you!
He looks outside as the road passes by, watching the bright spring flowers decorating the streets, and sighs quietly. The other members are already sleeping, exhausted after a hard day of practice and performances.
His phone vibrates in his pocket, and he picks it up to read a new text message. He smiles at his friend congratulating him for the comeback, reminding Baekhyun not to forget about him. Don’t you dare ditch your friends, Byun Baekhyun!
It feels like they know and love him the same. Is there a difference, he wonders, between Byun Baekhyun and EXO’s Baekhyun?
÷
Before their debut, long before they even knew they’d be in the same group, Chanyeol took Baekhyun to meet his family. He proudly introduced him to his parents and sister, and they spent the day laughing at old pictures from Chanyeol’s childhood and eating rice cakes.
Baekhyun listened as Chanyeol talked about an old friend he had fought with. I miss him, he said with a faraway look in his eyes, and Baekhyun awkwardly patted Chanyeol on the back.
“He reminds me a lot of you, actually,” Chanyeol said.
“But hopefully we won’t end the same way,” Baekhyun remarked with a grin.
Chanyeol laughed and shook his head. “I’m sure we won’t.”
÷
These past few days Baekhyun hasn’t been feeling like himself. He looks at the mirror and sees the flaws on his skin; he sings their new song, and cringes as his voice doesn’t hit the right notes.
There’s a hollow feeling inside his chest that doesn’t go away, and it doesn’t help that, when Chanyeol grabs his hand and interlaces his fingers, he feels like his skin’s on fire.
It’s over in a moment, but Baekhyun swears he can still sense Chanyeol’s fingers digging into his palm.
÷
“Let’s take a break,” their dance instructor says. “Ten minutes.”
Baekhyun drops to the floor with a grunt. He breathes heavily through his nose, willing the pain in his legs to go away. Next to him, Jongdae slides down, resting his forehead on his knees.
“I can’t take this anymore,” Jongdae pants. “Let’s run away.”
Baekhyun snorts. “Where would we go?”
“I don’t know. Anywhere.” He lifts his head and pokes Baekhyun’s calf. “We could earn money singing on the streets.”
“Just the two of us?” He grins.
“We can make it if we try, baby.” Jongdae winks and Baekhyun bursts out laughing.
He gets up, stretching his arms. He surveys the training room and sees everyone sprawled on the floor. “Alright. Let’s do it.”
They wait until their instructor is busy talking to a backup dancer, and quietly leave the room. They run, laughing hard and dodging the staff who yell at them to stop. They almost collide with some seniors, shouting apologies and giving thankful smiles as they help their escapade by slowing down the managers going after them.
They succeed in getting out of the company building, running down a few more streets just to be safe.
“So, what’s next?” Baekhyun asks after they regain their breaths, slowly balancing himself on the sidewalk. “I didn’t bring any money. Didn’t even get my phone.”
“Don’t worry. I got this for us,” Jongdae announces as he fishes something out of his pocket. He brandishes it proudly and Baekhyun smiles broadly.
“Joonmyun hyung’s credit card.”
÷
“Hyung is going to kill us,” Jongdae comments offhandedly as he eats a burger. “But I’m so hungry I am finding it hard to care right now.” He sips his milkshake and closes his eyes with a blissful look on his face.
Baekhyun snickers. “He’s going to get angrier about us eating the food than for stealing his credit card.” He slowly chews on a french fry. “What if we don’t fit in the costumes?”
“Yeah, I’d be worried too. I mean, your thighs…” He snorts at Baekhyun’s indignant look. “What? They’re huge, man.”
“Excuse me? My thighs are perfect the way they are. And I’ll have you know the fans like them like this too.”
“Not only them, I bet.” Jongdae smirks. “The other day I saw Kris hyung staring at your legs as you stretched. Your ass looks good, I’ll give you that.”
“Shut up,” he laughs out loudly and throws a french fry at Jongdae.
They eat in silence for a few minutes. Baekhyun looks outside and sees people mingling around, groups of friends chatting, parents playing with their kids. He smiles softly and thinks about his own family and friends, and how he misses them.
“Chanyeol’s asking for you.”
He blinks, startled, and turns his gaze to Jongdae. “What?”
Jongdae’s staring at his phone, a straw hanging out his mouth. “Yeah, he asked where we went, and if you were alright.” He squints his eyes. “Everyone’s talking in our group chat but I’m afraid of opening it. I don’t want to know what our punishment is going to be.”
“Maybe we shouldn’t have skipped training, I don’t know.” Baekhyun can already picture it in his head: Joonmyun sitting them down and talking about responsibilities, expectations and, he shudders, feelings.
Jongdae hums in response and types something on his phone. He puts it back in his pocket and looks at Baekhyun. “But I think it was good? Ditching practice,” he asks.
Baekhyun smiles at that. He’s pretty sure Jongdae had already planned this, and was only waiting for Baekhyun to say something first. “Yes, I think I needed this.”
Jongdae nods and grins at him in response. “I know you did,” he says, and his tone is so very warm that it suddenly reminds Baekhyun why he is one of his best friends. Kind and considerate Jongdae, always worrying about those he cares about.
“Thanks,” Baekhyun laughs quietly, playing with the wrappers on the table. He was never the type to talk freely about his feelings; he doesn’t know how to share his personal troubles and cringes at the mere thought of revealing his secrets. But, if not with Jongdae, then with who else?
Baekhyun remembers crying with Jongdae back when they were recording the first album. Feeling like a failure because his singing wouldn’t come out the way the producers wanted, or having to stay up until late to catch up with the dance practice. He can still sense the burn on his cheeks, the shame for not being able to do as he was told, for being weak and crying when it was all too much. And Jongdae had only sat by his side, putting his arms around his shoulders and telling him everything would be alright. We will get through this together.
Baekhyun’s eyebrows furrow and he feels his throat constrict. He tries to will away the prickling sensation at the back of his eyes, and murmurs almost inaudibly, “It’s like I don’t know who I am anymore.”
But the look on Jongdae’s face lets him know he heard him.
÷
2. The subtleties that count
Baekhyun wakes up with a start and immediately grabs his phone. He squints, trying to adjust his eyes to the sudden bright light on his face. It’s an incoming call from an unknown number. He sighs and declines it.
Maybe it’s another fan. Maybe it’s a friend he forgot to save the number.
He looks at the time and groans quietly. It’s late, so that probably wasn’t a friend. He feels heavy and slow, and his head aches just from thinking about getting up in a few hours. Today they have a schedule, a recording of a reality show, and they need to arrive early at the broadcast station for the script reading.
Baekhyun doesn’t want to get out of bed. He wants to sleep in and just get up to eat, and then go right back to bed. He doesn’t remember the last time he slept more than four hours straight.
Last night he had called his mother and whined about missing her homemade food. She laughed quietly and told him next week she’d drop by his dorm to cook for him and the others. It made Baekhyun feel bad, but his mom always reminded him how she could use a few excuses to get out of work earlier and go visit him.
He goes back to sleep with the memories of his mom singing softly in the kitchen, calling him to dinner.
÷
He is too caring, Baekhyun observes as Chanyeol helps Jongin with his rap, patiently teaching him the right way to intone a certain word or when to breathe before starting the chorus.
He feels his heart squeeze as Chanyeol gently smiles at Jongin, congratulating him on a job well done, and turns his face away when Chanyeol looks at his direction and waves at him.
“Baekhyun!” he calls, but Baekhyun pretends not to hear and instead goes to Jongdae’s side, intertwining their arms and resting his head on his shoulder.
“What’s wrong?” Jongdae asks, looking at him with worried eyes.
Baekhyun shakes his head. “It’s nothing.”
He feels like beating himself up. Last night he searched his and Chanyeol’s name just to see what would pop out, and spent hours browsing through the amount of posts he found about them. He had done it before, right when they debuted, and scoffed at the fans’ imagination.
But this time it felt different. He stared at their pictures, saw the way Chanyeol sometimes looked at him, so soft and kind, making his breath catch.
He thinks about Chanyeol all the time. When they’re training, when they’re performing, when they’re giving an interview, he can’t stop his gaze from going to Chanyeol, and to better pretend nothing’s happening, he tries his best to stay away from him, always choosing the furthest seat away.
But it’s like he can’t escape. It’s like he’s going crazy.
÷
They decide to have dinner at a nearby restaurant. They had just finished practice when Joonmyun suggested grabbing something to eat. “Because you’ve all been very good,” he smirked, and Baekhyun felt that he stared a bit too long at him.
Chanyeol sits next to Baekhyun, and asks, “What are you getting, Baekhyun?”
Grabbing the menu, Baekhyun swiftly avoids his eyes. “I don’t know yet, I’m not that hungry.”
There’s an awkward silence between them, and Baekhyun closes his eyes.
(It’s all my fault.)
“Listen,” Chanyeol starts. “Is something wrong?”
Baekhyun taps his fingers on the table, looking at everyone talking at the same time and trying to decide what to order.
“No,” he simply says.
“Then why are you avoiding me?”
“I’m not avoiding you.”
“Bullshit,” Chanyeol says hotly, and Sehun, who’s sitting next to him, turns his head and lifts his eyebrows in surprise.
“Chanyeol,” Baekhyun warns. “Let’s not talk about this in here,” he says, shaking his head and smiling lightly at Sehun, telling him not to worry.
“Then where? Because all you do is run away from me. You can’t even look me in the eye,” he scoffs.
Baekhyun feels his blood boil, and wants to argue, but what can he say if Chanyeol’s telling the truth?
“Please, stop. It’s fine, Chanyeol, everything’s fine.”
Maybe Chanyeol sees something on his face, because he sighs quietly and looks the other way.
Baekhyun knows he won’t let this go, so before he can start it again, he gets up and asks Kyungsoo to change seats with him, claiming he doesn’t want to stay next to the grill.
He’s a liar, and as he feels Chanyeol’s gaze on him during the whole dinner, he’s sure Chanyeol knows it as well.
÷
The past two months pass in a blur to Baekhyun. Music shows every week, the first win for the new song, the criticism they received and their explosive new popularity. It’s not hard to forget your own problems when you have so much to do, going to radio shows and variety programs, in addition to practicing for the follow up song.
He tries to fool himself, though. He ignores the way the members look at him when he once again avoids talking to Chanyeol, when he gives a lame excuse and locks himself up in his room.
Baekhyun knows he’s wrong for doing it. He knows that he’s hurting Chanyeol, and he misses his friend, but he can’t help it.
It’s obvious something’s going on with him, and it’s not easy to act like he’s fine in front of the cameras. He tries to smile the brightest, tries to laugh and crack jokes, and be the happy and bubbly guy the fans got used to, but it’s not easy at all.
His members try their best to make him feel better without approaching the matter. They hug him close, and whisper encouragements, telling him he’s doing a good job. But Baekhyun knows better, and when his manager comes and tells him he’ll be having a duet with Chanyeol at their next radio appearance, he knows he’s being punished for not being professional enough.
÷
Baekhyun always knew the exact difference between what you have and what you want. He grew up with his parents telling him to wait for his turn, to be patient and accepting.
When you’re the youngest in your family, you learn that, one way or another, you’ll end up with your sibling’s old stuff. It doesn’t matter if you want them or not.
So it’s pretty obvious to Baekhyun that sometimes you don’t get what you want; you get what there is for you to get.
Still, why does he feels like holding Chanyeol’s hand? Why does he want Chanyeol to keep touching him even after they left the stage?
He knows the difference, but pretends it doesn’t hurt that the Chanyeol he wants is the one he can’t have.
÷
One day Jongdae asks, “Don’t you think you have avoided Chanyeol long enough?”
He has that look in his eyes, the one that tells Baekhyun he won’t be able to escape this conversation, but it doesn’t mean he can’t try to. “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he answers and flushes immediately, knowing he’s being ridiculous.
Jongdae never fails to remember him this, though. “You’re so dumb,” he says. “Even dumber because we already talked about this, and you’re the one who told me about avoiding Chanyeol. But I’m surprised no one said anything until now, our members are even worse.”
“What is there to talk about, then?” Baekhyun asks seriously. “I told you everything already.”
“Yeah, but you forgot to mention the little fact that you want Chanyeol’s tiny dick but somehow is still in denial?” he retorts, grinning as Baekhyun’s eyes widen.
“Are you serious?” he asks, voice cracking. “Are you stupid?”
“Yes,” he smirks. “And no, the only one who’s stupid is you. Stupid in love,” he cackles, avoiding the pillow Baekhyun throws in his direction.
They wrestle until Baekhyun gives up and Jongdae celebrates his victory by sitting on Baekhyun’s stomach. “You’re so heavy, get off,” Baekhyun groans.
He tries to shove him away, but when Jongdae doesn’t buckle he looks up and catches him staring at him. “But seriously, Baekhyun, talk to Chanyeol. It’s been two months already. How do you think he’s feeling right now?”
Baekhyun plays with a loose thread on Jongdae’s sweatpants and sighs. “I know…”
“It’s not that hard. Just go to him and say: Chanyeol, sorry for being an asshole these past few months, I was just deeply confused about wanting your cock up my ass. I’m sure he’ll be very glad to help you.”
Baekhyun stares at him, trying to maintain a serious face, but ends up laughing until there are tears at the corner of his eyes. “You’re such a jerk, oh my God.”
Jongdae grins at him, proud. “Just talk to him, Baek. It’s going to be alright,” he tells, going back to the magazine he was reading before.
÷
“I want you to sing this with me.”
Baekhyun stares as Chanyeol barges in their room, waving a piece of paper agitatedly. He slowly closes his laptop, and scoots over in the bed, resting his back against the headboard. “What is it?” he asks.
Chanyeol hands him the sheet, not saying anything. He looks nervous. Baekhyun blinks up at him in confusion.
He turns his gaze down and notices he’s holding a lyrics sheet. He slowly reads the words, and flushes. It’s a love song, with cheesy lyrics and a pleasant melody, and it makes him feel embarrassed.
“Do you want to sing this for our duet?” he laughs uncomfortably. “Are you sure, Chanyeol?”
“You told me I could pick the song.” Chanyeol frowns, looking down at his sock clad feet.
“Yes, but…” Baekhyun trails off. “I thought you would chose a more upbeat song.” It’s not that Baekhyun thinks it’s a bad song, he has heard it before and it is nice and sweet. The only thing is that, “I don’t think this song suits us.”
There’s silence for a moment, and Baekhyun peers up at Chanyeol uneasily. He’s anxious, twisting his hands on his lap, and contemplates Chanyeol’s possible reactions. Maybe he’ll get angry at Baekhyun for not agreeing with his choice, maybe he’ll laugh it off and pick another song. Maybe he’ll just give up on their duet, because Baekhyun doesn’t think he’s been doing much for their collaboration.
“And why is that, Baekhyun?” Chanyeol quietly says, a strange emotion passing on his face. “Why do you think a love song doesn’t match us?”
Baekhyun feels a tingling sensation at the tips of his fingers, and curls them around the lyrics sheet. His face feels like it’s burning, and suddenly the room seems too small - too small for only him and Chanyeol.
(Chanyeol is very mean.)
“That’s not what I meant, Chanyeol,” he replies. “But maybe our fans would like a happier song?” he suggests, and knows he’s not fooling anyone.
Chanyeol stares at him, and Baekhyun lies to himself telling he doesn’t know why he feels so bad for disappointing him.
“Yeah, Baek, but I didn’t choose this song for our fans,” he says, shaking his head and leaving the room.
Baekhyun wonders if the way his heart is breaking is the same as Chanyeol’s did when he left him countless times.
÷
Baekhyun is watching TV at their dorm when Joonmyun sits next to him. They don’t say anything for a while, and Baekhyun observes from the corner of his eyes Joonmyun laughing quietly at the movie.
At the commercial break, Joonmyun clears his throat and Baekhyun knows what’s coming next.
“Will you tell hyung what’s bothering you, Baekhyun?”
Baekhyun hugs the cushion to his chest and rests his chin on it.
“I know you like to keep your privacy, but whatever is going on with you is affecting your performance. I don’t want to pry on your personal business, I just want to help you.”
“Hyung, I just…” he trails off. Joonmyun is looking at him with thoughtful and expectant eyes, but Baekhyun is afraid of saying what’s on his mind. “It’s nothing you have to worry about. I promise it won’t affect me in front of the cameras again,” he instead says.
“Baekhyun, you can talk to me,” Joonmyun tries again.
“But it’s fine, hyung. Maybe Byun Baekhyun is not feeling his best, but EXO’s Baekhyun won’t let it get him down,” he nods, not knowing if he’s trying to convince his leader or himself.
Joonmyun looks at him weirdly. “What are you talking about? There’s only one Baekhyun.”
Baekhyun shakes his head. “But I’m not the same in front of you and in front of the fans.”
“Of course you’re not,” Joonmyun says. “But that doesn’t mean you’re two different people. It doesn’t mean the Baekhyun I’m talking to right now is not the Baekhyun I will talk tomorrow at our performance.”
Baekhyun stays silent, fidgeting in his seat. He lowers the volume on the TV, watching the main characters fighting about something stupid.
“Maybe I should’ve worked it with you sooner. I’m sorry, sometimes I forget you had such a short time of training.” He touches Baekhyun’s shoulder. “There’s a line we must draw between our personal and professional lives. You can’t let what happens in one affect the other, that’s true, but you have feelings too, Baekhyun,” he sighs. “And it’s impossible to pretend you’re fine all the time when you’re not.”
“But, hyung, then how am I supposed to know who I really am?” Baekhyun asks quietly.
“Don’t you already know the answer for this question, Baekhyun?” Joonmyun answers with a smile, and laughs when Baekhyun shakes his head. “You’re simply Baekhyun. Byun Baekhyun, Baekhyunnie, EXO’s Baekhyun. They’re all the same.”
Joonmyun waits a few moments for Baekhyun’s reply, but when it never comes, he sighs.
“Just remember you’ll always have me to talk to whenever you need it, alright? Stop keeping things to yourself all the time.” He gets up, leaving Baekhyun alone in the room.
Baekhyun ponders Joonmyun’s words carefully. He is right, and maybe the problem is that Baekhyun thinks he’s forgetting who he is, but that isn’t true at all.
He wants to laugh at his own stupidity.
÷
The next time Chanyeol tries to talk to him, he doesn’t run away. They just got back from China, and are entering the dorm when Chanyeol quietly grabs Baekhyun’s wrist and murmurs a softly, defeated, “Baekhyun…”
Baekhyun looks up and smiles awkwardly. “Hey,” he says, pulling his arm free from Chanyeol’s grasp. “Should we talk?”
Chanyeol sighs, relieved, and nods, leaving for their shared room with Baekhyun trailing behind.
He closes the door and stares at the floor. There’s silence between them, until Chanyeol breaks it by asking, “Did I do something wrong, Baekhyun? Why are you avoiding me?”
Baekhyun shakes his head. “You did nothing wrong.”
And Chanyeol looks so sad, so hurt, that Baekhyun feels like throwing up. His brows are furrowed, and his mouth is set into a frown, like he’s trying very hard not to scream at him. “Do you hate me or something?”
“No!” Baekhyun assures. “Chanyeol, I don’t hate you,” he firmly states. “I don’t think I could ever hate you,” he says the last part in a murmur, but is sure Chanyeol hears it, because he’s so close, almost invading Baekhyun’s personal space.
“I don’t understand, then.” He grabs Baekhyun’s hand and brings it to his chest. “I miss you.”
Chanyeol is looking at him with soft eyes and Baekhyun sees something there that makes him want to cry. “I just…” he stops and closes his eyes.
“Baekhyun.” Chanyeol is so close, so much closer, he can feel his breath on his face. “Why are you pushing me away?”
Baekhyun trembles, because he’s not sure if he just felt Chanyeol’s lips on his cheek. “What are you doing, Chanyeol?”
Chanyeol has his hands on his waist, gripping it tight. “Please, Baekhyun, just tell me what’s wrong,” he says, sounding desperate.
Baekhyun feels like shit because he just hurt the person he likes the most. He’s the one who made Chanyeol suffer and think he was unwanted, when actually,
“I want you so much, Chanyeol, I don’t even understand,” he blurts and feels his cheeks heat up in mortification.
There’s silence for a moment, until he feels Chanyeol’s chest tremble. He looks up, surprised, and gets angry at the image of Chanyeol laughing at him. He tries to push him away, but Chanyeol snakes his arms around him and hug him close.
“Let me go,” he says, fuming. He wants to die from embarrassment.
“No, Baekhyun!” Chanyeol cries, still laughing. “I’m sorry, I’m not laughing at you.”
“Oh, no? Then why are you laughing, asshole?” Baekhyun snaps.
“I’m just so relieved. I thought you were never going to admit it,” he says, trying to suppress his laughter. He clears his throat, blushing. “I’m sure I’m being very obvious right now, but in case it isn’t clear enough for you, I want you too, Baekhyun,” he smiles, and it’s such a bright and happy smile Baekhyun feels his knee weaken.
“No way,” he mutters after processing what Chanyeol said. “You can’t be serious.”
Chanyeol raises an eyebrow, looking affronted. “Excuse me? Let me show you how serious I am.”
He leans in, and Baekhyun closes his eyes in anticipation.
It’s dope.
÷
3. They stare at me while I stare at you
Chanyeol presses Baekhyun against the door and nuzzles his nose against Baekhyun’s neck, breathing him in. He grabs Baekhyun’s hand and interlaces their fingers. “Baekhyun, I’m serious.”
Baekhyun shudders. “What?” He turns his head to the side and Chanyeol bites the skin below his ear, a red bruise appearing on his skin. “Don’t do that,” he moans quietly.
Chanyeol feels like his skin is on fire. His eyes are burning, and all he can smell and taste is Baekhyun. Baekhyun, who feels so good against him, with closed eyes and parted lips. He licks a strip of skin from Baekhyun’s adam’s apple to his mouth, nibbling on his upper lip and kissing the sting.
He draws nearer, their bodies so close he can feel Baekhyun’s chest rising as he breathes. “You’re so beautiful,” he murmurs as he kisses Baekhyun’s red cheeks. “I want you all to myself.” He runs a hand under Baekhyun’s shirt, feeling his soft skin.
Baekhyun clutches Chanyeol’s shoulders, running his nails down his back. “Chanyeol,” he whispers, glancing up and licking his lips. He touches Chanyeol’s nape lightly, and grabs his hair, lowering his head until their faces are inches apart. He tilts his head, and presses a soft kiss on the corner of Chanyeol’s lips.
And Chanyeol’s heart lurches. Because all he wants is to have Baekhyun, lovely Baekhyun, who smiles softly at him, with eyes so bright. “You have to know,” he starts. “You have to know, Baekhyun, that I’m always looking at you. That you’re the only thing on my mind.”
Chanyeol rests his hand on Baekhyun’s waist, and slowly lowers his hand to his ass, bringing them even closer. Dropping his head once more, he licks his way into Baekhyun’s mouth, running his tongue over his lips and biting them. Baekhyun squeezes his eyes shut, moaning. He eagerly responds, wrapping his arms around Chanyeol’s neck and grinding against him.
He flattens Baekhyun against the door, kissing his neck and making Baekhyun squirm in place. “Chanyeol,” he pants. “Not on my neck,” he tells, turning his head and pressing his lips against his cheek, leaving a wet trail until Chanyeol’s mouth, sucking on his lips.
Tugging at his hair, Chanyeol separates them, making Baekhyun blink dazedly up. Chanyeol smiles at that, and whispers hotly against Baekhyun’s ear, “Do you understand what I’m trying to show you, Baekhyun?”
Baekhyun sluggishly nods, and Chanyeol doesn’t think he has ever seen someone as pretty as Baekhyun looks in that moment. Because of Chanyeol, Baekhyun’s breathing hard, face flushed and lips red and swollen. Chanyeol wants to kiss him again, because his mouth looks so inviting. Adjusting his grip on Baekhyun, he keeps him close. “Do you believe me now?”
Baekhyun looks so cute, embarrassed and avoiding eye contact, it makes Chanyeol want to squeeze him. “You know, Baekhyun, I have liked you for a long time. And I like everything about you, really. From the tip of your cute nose to the tip of your toes,” he says and internally cheers at Baekhyun’s affronted look.
“Wha-” Baekhyun starts, but Chanyeol doesn’t let him finish.
“I like how you can’t keep your mouth shut from the moment you wake up to the moment you go to bed.” He grins. “But when you started avoiding me, I didn’t know what to think. Did I do something wrong? Did you hate me?” Baekhyun looks guilty, ready to apologize, but Chanyeol shakes his head. “It’s fine, though, because I understand what you were going through. You weren’t speaking to me, but I could tell.”
Chanyeol presses a finger in between Baekhyun’s furrowed brows. “Chanyeol, I’m sorry.”
He smiles and nods. “It’s okay, I’m sorry too. I’m just glad you decided to stop running away from me,” he says softly. “I like you so much.”
“I like you too,” Baekhyun says, burrowing his face on Chanyeol’s chest. “I’m sorry for fucking things up between us.”
Chanyeol sighs and nods. “It’s fine now.”
“But, Chanyeol,” Baekhyun speaks after some time. “How did you know I liked you too?” he asks curiously.
“Well, that’s funny,” Chanyeol grins. “I wasn’t sure, although I had my suspicions, but then I received an anonymous text on my phone that said, BYUN BAEKHYUN WANTS YOUR DICK, all capital letters.”
He can feel Baekhyun’s fury in waves from his body, and tries his best not to laugh. “I’m going to kill Jongdae.”
Chanyeol doesn’t tell he later discovered the text came from Kyungsoo.
÷
“So.”
Baekhyun doesn’t look up from his phone. “What’s up, Jongdae.”
Jongdae drops on the couch beside him, putting his arm around his shoulders and nudging him with his head. “Tell me, tell me. Tell me everything.”
“Jesus, back off, dude,” Baekhyun pushes him away.
Jongdae pouts. “Don’t be mean!” he says and tries to hug Baekhyun again. While Baekhyun is fighting him off, he notices the dark spot on his neck. “Is that a hickey on your neck?” he laughs.
Baekhyun flushes. “Fuck off.”
“So, I guess things worked out fine in the end?” Jongdae asks. “Is little Chanyeol everything you dreamed about? Wait, don’t tell me. I definitely don’t want to know,” he gags.
“You are ridiculous and I hope you choke and die soon,” Baekhyun replies seriously. “But for your information, yes, things are fine now between me and Chanyeol.”
Jongdae laughs, “I’m happy, then. No one could stand the tension between you guys anymore.”
Baekhyun nods and grins. “But seriously, Jongdae, thanks. You helped me get through a lot.”
“You aren’t going to cry now, are you?” he asks, horrified.
Baekhyun rolls his eyes. “No, I’m not going to cry.”
“Thanks God,” he sighs, relieved. “For a moment I thought I saw your eyes a little too shiny… But I guess that’s just your evil soul trying to break free.”
“You are such an asshole,” Baekhyun laughs. “I was trying to be nice and thank you properly, but you treat everything as a joke.”
Jongdae smiles at him. “It’s fine, though, because you’re my best friend. And best friends help each other through everything and love each other...” He jumps Baekhyun and hugs him until Baekhyun’s purple from the lack of oxygen.
Still, he’s glad he’s got Jongdae.
÷
Things didn’t change that much after their talk. Baekhyun still doesn’t want to cuddle up in public and rejects Chanyeol at every opportunity. It doesn’t mean, though, that when they’re in the privacy of their room, he doesn’t show how glad he is for Chanyeol’s little demonstrations of affection.
“Wow,” Chanyeol pants. “If that’s what I get for proposing to you in public, I wonder if I try to kiss you next…”
Baekhyun grins at him, wiping the side of his mouth. “Just try it and I’ll punch you in the dick.”
“Ouch,” Chanyeol winces. “So mean. Hurting the love of your life.”
Baekhyun laughs, happy and carefree. “You’re so silly. But I guess it is indeed a nice dick,” he looks blissed out.
Chanyeol smiles proudly, because really. “Come here,” he pulls Baekhyun up until he’s sitting on his lap. Tugging Baekhyun’s head lower, Chanyeol presses their lips together and contently hums, licking Baekhyun’s hot mouth.
Baekhyun makes a face after they separate, pretending to throw up, but instantly grins and kisses Chanyeol’s cheek. “Let’s go for another round, I still have to thank you for that new plaid shirt you gave me.”
Chanyeol closes his eyes and groans, dropping his hands on the bed. “Ah, my life is so hard.”
÷
There are times when Baekhyun still doesn’t feel like himself. When he wakes up cranky after a bad night of sleep, when the stylists try to put too much make up on him, when the hosts keep asking him to do cute stuff.
Still, there are other times when Baekhyun understands the meaning of what he’s doing. When he’s on stage, singing and hearing the cheers of the fans, the sweat going down his face, the anticipation of giving a good performance and entertaining people.
When Baekhyun was fourteen years old, his father told him, Son, you have to know who you are.
But when Baekhyun was nineteen years old, as he was about to sign his contract, his father said to him, Life is only a path full of efforts, and you’ll learn as you go on.
His mom often drops into the dorm, bringing cookies and other sweets for everyone. She’s always smiling when she visits, and always insists in having some time alone with him.
She never fails to ask, Are you okay? Just like his father does when he visits home.
Sometimes he doesn’t answer. Sometimes he whines, asking them for the silliest things, like the cake he used to eat when he was a child or that they spend an afternoon watching dumb movies.
But other times, he smiles genuinely at them, and it’s not insincere when he says, I’m alright.
For Baekhyun, there’s a purpose for every choice he has made so far. Sometimes he may wonder how his life would have turned out if he hadn’t decided to pursue his dream, but as he watches the members and Chanyeol excitedly smiling and calling his name, he knows he has made the right decision.
A/N:
To evilmaknae0927, I hope you enjoyed this story! I’m really sorry if it isn’t what you were expecting :(. I had a blast writing for your prompt, though! It was really fun and made possible for me to work with several different ideas.
All my love to a, b, c and s. They were the ones who listened to my cries and frustrations, and made me go on. Thank you guys so much for all the help.
And to everyone else who read this far, thanks for taking the time to read my story. I hope you were able to enjoy it too.
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