The Million-Dollar Sue Chapter 5, Part VII

[thebitterend327]

The final part of Chapter 5. This is longer than usual because I wanted to finish this chapter.

Disclaimer: Twilight is not mine. Severus Snape and Minerva McGonagall are not mine. Anything else reference isn't mine. These things have been used for satirical purposes only.



"Anytime." He was staring straight forward, squinting into the rain.

Snape: *dryly* Have you ever seen the rain?

"So are you going

McGonagall: -to the AA meeting?

Snape: *as Rose from the Golden Girls* Miles calls it the “theater of the living”.

McGonagall: Who is Miles?

? This Saturday, I mean?" I was hoping he would, though it seemed unlikely.

Snape: Why would he when he loathes the people that will be there? That would be paramount to me spending the holidays with the Marauders.

I couldn't picture him loading up to carpool with the rest of the kids from school; he didn't belong in the same world.

McGonagall: Now she outright says that Edward is better than everyone else. I wonder how Meyer thinks that Bellabitch and Ted Bundy could possibly be in a relationship when both of them are so deeply in love with themselves.

Snape: I concur; Ted Bundy has no place on Earth. I could remedy this situation by hexing him into outer space. I’m sure I am not the only person who would derive great satisfaction from watching him suffocate.

McGonagall: How charming, the girl just brought the insult count to approximately 305, seeing as she just insulted the entire school.

Snape: We’ll call it 305.

But just hoping that he might gave me the first twinge of enthusiasm I'd felt

for the outing.

McGonagall: Than don’t go. How bloody difficult is it?! Fabricate some excuse and don’t go. 61.

"Where are you all going, exactly?"

Snape: *as Bella* -through the veil in the Department of Mysteries.

He was still looking ahead,

McGonagall: -he was always an optimist.

expressionless.

"Down to La Push, to First Beach."

I studied his face, trying to read it.

McGonagall: *as Bella* -but then I remembered that I was illiterate.

His eyes seemed to narrow infinitesimally.

Snape: His eyes seemed to narrow to infinite smallness? Really? Did you have to use an electron microscope to find them?

McGonagall: If Thesaurus’ were sentient they would need a lifetime of therapy and sedatives solely to recover from the abuse they suffered at Meyer’s hands.

He glanced down at me from the corner of his eye, smiling wryly.

"I really don't think I was invited."

Snape: Really?

I sighed. "I just invited you."

McGonagall: And the sue’s word is law.

"Let's you and I not push poor Mike any further this week. We don't want him to snap."

Snape: I do. I want you all to snap. I know a few spells that could break all of you in half simultaneously.

McGonagall: I’m not even going to dignify that with a response.

Snape: You just did.

His eyes danced

McGonagall: They began with a fox-trot and finished with the rhumba.

; he was enjoying the idea more than he should.

Snape: Because he’s a sadistic bastard.

"Mike-schmike." I muttered

McGonagall: Insult count: 306.

, preoccupied by the way he'd said "you and I."

Snape: *as Bella* I would have to look up the meaning of those words when I got home.

I liked it more than I should.

McGonagall: We know. 62.

We were near the parking lot now. I veered left, toward my truck.

Something caught my jacket

Snape: It was a machete.

, yanking me back.

Snape: *as Bella* -impaling me on the long blade.

McGonagall: Sometimes I wonder about you, Severus.

"Where do you think you're going?" he asked, outraged.

Snape: The stu is now reminding me of my father. The fact that he would be any woman’s fantasy is disturbing.

McGonagall: He is completely out of line.

He was gripping a fistful of my jacket in one hand.

Snape: Now is the time to use pepper spray or a taiser.

McGonagall: A stranger once grabbed me in the same fashion when I wandered into knockturn alley. I petrified him and ran. It’s really not that difficult.

Snape: Only a Gryffindor would be foolish enough to wander into knockturn alley.

McGonagall: As if you’ve never done anything idiotic for the sake of satisfying your curiosity. I would now like to call your attention to a certain incident in your fourth year involving the Marauder’s and the Whomping Willow.

I was confused. "I'm going home."

McGonagall: The correct response would be to knee him in the groin.

"Didn't you hear me

Snape: *as Edward* -singing in the Opera?

promise to take you

Snape: Period, full stop.

McGonagall: You’re a horrible man.

safely home? Do you think I'm going to let you drive in your condition?"

Snape: Fair point, driving while stupid is dangerous. However, that does not give you the right to abduct the girl.

His voice was still indignant.

"What condition?

McGonagall: Idiocy.

Snape: Damsel in Distress syndrome.

And what about my truck?" I complained.

McGonagall: 63. Whining does not prevent people from abducting you.

"I'll have Alice

Snape: -drive it off the edge of a cliff.

drop it off after school."

McGonagall: Alice is not your servant.

He was towing me toward his car now, pulling me by my jacket.

McGonagall: Usually this happens to someone directly before they are raped or murdered. While I have no problem with the idea of Bella being murdered the sheer idiocy is enough to drive me mad.

Snape: Hide yo kids, hide yo wife, ‘cause Edward’s rapin’ everybody up in here.

McGonagall: ……………………………………………………

It was all I could do to keep from falling backward.

Snape: What was all you could do to keep from falling backward? You’re not doing anything, as usual.

McGonagall: She being a fool.

Snape: I was unaware that that allowed for superb balance.

He'd probably just drag me along anyway if I did.

McGonagall: Why is this charming?

Snape: Well, clearly women are incapable of making their own decisions. They need men to drag them around and make their decisions for them.

McGonagall: Indeed.

Snape: You should give up on this atrocious piece of glorified bad fanfiction, Minerva. It is, after all, for your own good.

McGonagall: You’ll excuse me if I don’t take the advice of a bitter ex-death-eater who spends the majority of his time in a dungeon.

Snape: And whose house wins both the House and Quidditch cups almost every year.

McGonagall: *patented McGonagall glare*

Snape: Now who’s bitter?

"Let go

Snape: -my eggo.

McGonagall: What is an eggo?

Snape: It’s a brand of waffle.

!" I insisted. He ignored me.

McGonagall: A wise decision, however, you’re still an asshole.

I staggered

Snape: -drunkenly down the road, tripped over a fire hydrant, and fell off a bridge.

along sideways

McGonagall: -attempting to do the shuffle. After reading this, one would be lead to believe that women’s liberation never occurred. Hit him, kick him, scream, for Merlin’s sake, do something!

Across the wet sidewalk until we reached the Volvo.

Snape: I’m certain that that is a parking lot and not a sidewalk.

Then he finally freed me - I stumbled against the passenger door.

"You are so pushy!" I grumbled.

McGonagall: DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN WHINE! 64.

"It's open," was all he responded.

Snape: As are her legs.

McGonagall: Thank you for the wonderful imagery.

Snape: Anything for you, Minerva.

McGonagall: *rolls up the latest Daily Prophet and smacks him upside the head*

Snape: *closes Twilight and smacks Minerva upside the head*

He got in the driver's side.

"I am perfectly capable of driving myself home!" I stood by the car,

fuming.

Snape: Sue’s always release noxious fumes when they are angry. They usually smell of formaldehyde and decay.

McGonagall: Then leave; it’s not that hard to do. 65.

It was raining harder now, and I'd never put my hood up, so my

hair was dripping down my back.

Snape: Her hair was dripping? She must use that spray on hair.

McGonagall: This pointless whining about the rain was brought to you by Twilight. 66.

He lowered the automatic window and leaned toward me across the seat.

"Get in, Bella."

Snape: Remove the coma and that sentence gains an entirely different meaning.

McGonagall: I loathe you.

Snape: I apologize, the book made me do it.

I didn't answer. I was mentally

McGonagall: -challenged.

calculating my chances of reaching the truck before he could catch me.

Snape: And in the time it takes you to think about even the most simple of concepts you could’ve ran to your truck and driven home.

McGonagall: I understand than she is spineless, and thus, an easy target, but her father is the police chief.

I had to admit, they weren't good.

"I'll just drag you back," he threatened, guessing my plan.

I tried to maintain what dignity I could

Snape: -which is none.

as I got into his car.

McGonagall: It’s astounding that she has survived this long.

Snape: *as a creepy pedophile* Come here, little girl, I got some candy.

McGonagall: *as Bella* Do you have chocolate frogs? They’re my favorite.

Snape: *as a creepy pedophile* Of course. They’re in the back of my van. Be sure to lock the door behind you.

I wasn't very successful

McGonagall: -at anything.

- I looked like a half-drowned cat

Snape: *smirks* I can make you resemble a completely drown sue.

and my boots squeaked.

McGonagall: Oh, the horror. 67.

"This is completely unnecessary," I said stiffly.

Snape: I agree, this book is unnecessary.

McGonagall: GET OUT OF THE CAR, YOU IMBECILE!

He didn't answer.

Snape: How astonishing. He usually defers to her wishes.

He fiddled with

McGonagall: -his penis.

Snape: Weren’t you just chastising me for making perverted comments?

McGonagall: If you can’t beat them, join them.

the controls, turning the heater up and the music down. As he pulled out

Snape: -of Bella’s __

McGonagall: That’s enough, Severus.

Snape: Hypocrite.

of the parking lot, I was preparing to give him the silent treatment - my face in full pout mode

McGonagall: Is she a toddler? 68.

Snape: Another effective method of dealing with those who abduct you.

- but then I recognized the music playing, and my curiosity got the better of my intentions.

McGonagall: This reminds me of the First Year’s essays, you know, when they attempt to sound like they know what they’re writing about by using large words, usually in the wrong context.

Snape: I am all too familiar with that method. It usually earns the student a T.

{snip/ Edward and Bella "bond" over their mutual love of Debussy/}

McGonagall: *as Bella* OMG we have something in common!!! We are soul mates!!!

Snape: This makes me think of Nostalgia Critic’s exposition song.

McGonagall: When you reference muggle things, I have no idea what you are talking about.

Snape: I couldn’t care less if I was comatose.

I listened to the music, relaxing against the light gray leather seat.

McGonagall: That’s it, Bella, lie back and think of England. Worthless bint.

It was impossible not to respond to the familiar, soothing melody. The rain blurred everything outside the window into gray and green smudges. I began to realize we were driving very fast; the car moved so steadily, so evenly, though, I didn't feel the speed.

Snape: That doesn’t make sense. You would notice it if he’s going that fast.

Only the town flashing by gave it away.

"What is your mother like

McGonagall: -in bed.

Snape: That’s sick.

?" he asked me suddenly.

I glanced over to see him studying me with curious eyes.

McGonagall: He had bought them last week at the “Eyes for All Emotions” department store and was now showing them off.

"She looks a lot like me, but she's prettier," I said. He raised his eyebrows. "I have too much Charlie in me.

Snape: And now she’s calling her unreasonably devoted father ugly because in order to be a decent parent he must be attractive. 307.

McGonagall: Besides, movie!Charlie is quite aesthetically pleasing.

Snape: You saw the movie?

McGonagall: Albus tricked me into going. He claimed we were going to see Toy Story 3.

Snape: …Toy Story 3?

McGonagall: Sod off, Severus.

Snape: In any case, wouldn’t her grandfather be more age appropriate for you?

McGonagall: Keep it up and I’ll inform Lockhart of your yearning passion for him.

She's more outgoing than I am, and braver. She's irresponsible and slightly eccentric, and she's a very unpredictable cook. She's my best friend." I stopped. Talking about her

was making me depressed.

Snape: Cue unnecessary angst. 69.

"How old are you, Bella?" His voice sounded frustrated for some reason I couldn't imagine.

McGonagall: *as Edward* Damn, the way she was constantly whining lead me to believe she was around thirteen, but now that I look at her, I think she’s too old.

Snape: I find it disturbing that he’s so offended by her age.

He'd stopped the car, and I realized we were at Charlie's house already. The rain was so heavy that I could barely see the house at all. It was like the car was submerged under a river.

Snape: That’s because it is. Edward was driving way too fast and you two are now drowning in the Pacific ocean. You’re both just too stupid to realize it.

"I'm seventeen," I responded, a little confused.

McGonagall: Astounding.

"You don't seem seventeen."

Snape: I concur; she seems two.

His tone was reproachful; it made me laugh.

Snape: The thought of you under the influence of the cruciatus curse makes me laugh.

"What?" he asked, curious again.

"My mom always says I was born thirty-five years old and that I get more

middle-aged every year." I laughed, and then sighed. "Well, someone has

to be the adult."

McGonagall: And it’s not you. 70.

I paused for a second. "You don't seem much like a junior in high school yourself," I noted.

He made a face and changed the subject.

Snape: Ronald Weasley has more subtlety than Edward.

"So why did your mother marry Phil?"

McGonagall: Because she detests him. What kind of question is that?

I was surprised he would remember the name; I'd mentioned it just once, almost two months ago. It took me a moment to answer.

Snape: *as Bella* *stares vacantly at nothing*

"My mother… she's very young for her age. I think Phil makes her feel even younger. At any rate, she's crazy about him." I shook my head. The attraction was a mystery to me.

Snape: I’ll contact Jessica Fletcher.

McGonagall: The attraction to Edward is a mystery to me.

"Do you approve?" he asked.

Snape: Because if you don’t, they must file for divorce immediately.

"Does it matter?" I countered. "I want her to be happy… and he is who she

wants."

McGonagall: *as Bella* Look at me! I’m so selfless that I’m willing to permit my mother to marry whomever she wants! Aren’t I grand?

"That's very generous… I wonder," he mused.

Snape: Is your refrigerator running?

"What?"

"Would she extend the same courtesy to you, do you think? No matter who

your choice was?" He was suddenly intent, his eyes searching mine.

McGonagall: -for buried treasure.

Snape: There’s nothing behind her eyes, not even a brain.

"I-I think so," I stuttered. "But she's the parent, after all. It's a little bit different."

McGonagall: Since when have you respected anyone’s authority.

{snip/ banter, Edward interrogates Bella/}

Snape: Edward could not resist the urge to play 20 questions.

"Do you think that I could be scary?"

McGonagall: What is he, Casper the Friendly Ghost?

Snape: *as Edward* Do you think I could be scary?

McGonagall: *as Bella* No.

Snape: *as Edward* Boo! How about now?

He raised one eyebrow, and the faint trace of a smile lightened his face.

McGonagall: This is disturbing.

I thought for a moment, wondering whether the truth or a lie would go

over better. I decided to go with the truth. "Hmmm… I think you could be

Snape: -a pretty, pretty princess.

, if you wanted to."

"Are you

Snape: -afraid of the dark?

frightened of me now?" The smile vanished, and his heavenly face was suddenly serious.

McGonagall: -but his spleen was joking and his liver was depressed.

"No." But I answered too quickly. The smile returned.

Snape: He is clearly excited by the fact that she is afraid of him. That is a sign of sexual sadism. Sexual sadism is not a desirable quality.

McGonagall: Apparently to Meyer it is.

"So, now are you going to tell me about your family?" I asked to distract him

Snape: *as Bella* -from my hand, creeping slowly up his thigh.

McGonagall: What is she distracting him from? Is she finally going to attempt to escape?

. "It's got to be a much more interesting story than mine."

Snape: The history of the envelope is a much more interesting story than yours.

He was instantly cautious. "What do you want to know?"

"The Cullens

McGonagall: -kidnapped-

adopted you?" I verified.

McGonagall: It hasn’t been verified because he hasn’t affirmed that it’s true.

"Yes."

I hesitated for a moment.

Snape: -and the moment died.

"What happened to your parents?"

McGonagall: That’s a bit personal for acquaintances. Hi, How are you? My name is Bella. Incidentally, I hear your parents are dead; would you mind telling me how they died with great detail?

"They died many years ago."

Snape: Four score and seven years ago.

His tone was matter-of-fact.

"I'm sorry," I mumbled.

"I don't really remember them that clearly. Carlisle and Esme have been my parents for a long time now."

"And you love them." It wasn't a question. It was obvious in the way he

spoke of them.

"Yes." He smiled.

Snape: *as Edward* We have family orgies every night.

McGonagall: Severus Tobias Snape!

"I couldn't imagine two better people."

Snape: I’d rather be adopted by Voldemort.

"You're very lucky."

"I know I am."

"And your brother and sister?"

Snape: *as Edward* They keep us stocked on vibrators.

He glanced at

McGonagall: -his reflection in the rearview mirror.

Snape: *as Edward* Damn, I’m pretty.

the clock on the dashboard.

"My brother and sister, and Jasper and Rosalie for that matter, are going

to be quite upset if they have to stand in the rain waiting for me."

"Oh, sorry, I guess you have to go." I didn't want to get out of the car.

McGonagall: Because you want to get in his pants.

"And you probably want your

Snape: -mullet-

truck back before Chief Swan gets home, so you don't have to tell him about the Biology incident." He grinned at me.

"I'm sure he's already heard. There are no secrets in Forks." I sighed.

McGonagall: I don’t care how small the town is; people have better things to discuss than the sue’s melodrama. 71.

He laughed, and there was an edge to his laughter.

"Have fun at the beach… good weather for

Snape: -sue killing.

sunbathing." He glanced out at the sheeting rain.

"Won't I see you tomorrow?"

"No. Emmett and I are

McGonagall: Don’t even think about making that remark, Severus.

Snape: -having sex.

McGonagall: *glares*

Snape: I am bored. Infuriating you makes this much more interesting.

starting the weekend early."

McGonagall: Of course, it’s not as if they have class.

"What are you going to do?"

Snape: Emmett. We’ve already established this.

A friend could ask that, right? I hoped the disappointment wasn't too apparent in my voice.

McGonagall: This is remarkably uninteresting. 72.

Snape: Why do you think I’ve been making vulgar comments the entire time?

"We're going to be hiking in the Goat Rocks Wilderness, just south of Rainier."

McGonagall: Do you have any plans for winter break, Severus?

Snape: Not really. I have to brew some potions for the hospital wing. Other than that, I’ll probably read some actually interesting books and enjoy the lack of students.

I remembered Charlie had said the Cullens went camping frequently.

McGonagall: What about Christmas day?

Snape: Do I usually have any plans for Christmas day, Minerva?

"Oh, well, have fun." I tried to sound enthusiastic.

McGonagall: Hold on, I think we need to add to the bitch count. *scans page* Ah, yes. 73. Anyway, I was thinking that, perhaps, we could spend Christmas day together.

Snape: We've spent the past twelve Christmases together, Minerva.

McGonagall: I know that, Severus, I just wanted to ensure that you had no other plans.

Snape: Who, exactly, would I have plans with? I would rather suffer the cruciatus than attend that awful staff Christmas party.

McGonagall: Yes, in any case, we ought to finish this chapter. It’s almost over.

I don't think I fooled him, though. A smile was playing

McGonagall: -Quidditch-

around the edges of his lips.

"Will you do something for me this weekend?"

He turned to look me straight in the face, utilizing the full power

Snape: -of his ray gun.

of his burning gold eyes.

Snape: I lit them on fire.

I nodded helplessly.

McGonagall: You do everything helplessly.

"Don't be offended, but you seem to be

Snape: -entirely useless.

one of those people who just attract accidents like a magnet. So… try not to fall into the ocean or get run over or anything, all right?" He smiled crookedly.

McGonagall: Albus’ staff notices are more interesting than this.

The helplessness had faded as he spoke. I glared at him.

Snape: *idly transfigures Minerva’s hair green and silver without her noticing*

McGonagall: *starts cleaning her spectacles*

"I'll see what I can do,"

Snape: You can’t do anything.

I snapped as I jumped out into the rain.

McGonagall: -did two somersaults, a round-off, three back-flips, and landed at the front door.

I slammed

Snape: *as Bella* -my empty head in-

the door behind me with excessive force.

McGonagall: Is she filing a police report? 74.

Snape: Technically, that is correct, however, no one talks like that.

He was still smiling

McGonagall: -and cackling and twirling is evil mustache-

as he drove away.

Snape: Thank Merlin, it’s over.

McGonagall: Would you care to join me at the Three Broomsticks? It won’t be overrun with students.

Snape: Why not?

Both: *exit*

Final Bitch Count: 74

Final Insult Count: 307