Always There
Always There | theblobmaster | PG-13 | Kai/ChanYeol | Angst, Romance | 2.8 k
Park ChanYeol is the first person JongIn ever tells his real favorite movie. Not Pirates of the Caribbean, but Billy Elliot, because he knows ChanYeol would never tease him and call him a sissy.
It had always been difficult being a boy that dances, not to mention one that dances ballet. His voice had always grown small when he mentioned the ballet. The other boys would always call him names and point fingers at him. As the years went by and they became older, it went from girly and princess to faggot and sissy. In the end he just left it out, told them he danced hip hop something that was cool in the other boys’ eyes, it stopped them. When he entered SM as a trainee, he couldn’t hide the fact he danced ballet any more. The trainers and teachers would proudly boast about him to the other trainees. It would be like he was a trophy, being the teacher’s pet as the others so kindly called him, didn’t help on the teasing. Of course it wasn’t everyone that did it, but he could see how even if they didn’t tease him, they still made sure not to have too much physical contact with him. After all aren’t all boys that dance ballet gay? It hurt, of course. It hurts when you’re so obviously avoided for reasons that you’re too young to really understand.
When he met Park ChanYeol the first time, he had arrived early for dance practice and ChanYeol was there when he walked into the studio. The older had lightened up when he spotted JongIn rooted to his spot in the doorway, awkwardly frozen at the sight of a stranger. He had almost bounced over to JongIn and bowed ninety degrees before he stuck out his hand good naturedly.
“Hi.” His deep voice echoed in the room and he winced himself at it. JongIn guessed his voice had just broken through and he hadn’t adjusted to the new tone yet, but JongIn liked it. There was warmth in it that made JongIn relax a bit. “I’m Park ChanYeol, a new trainee here.” He continued after a moment. His hand was still stretched in midair waiting for JongIn to take it. Not really meeting ChanYeol’s eyes, JongIn muttered his name and bowed, hurrying past ChanYeol into the studio. He had sighed in relief when the teacher came in just after and took away ChanYeol’s attention from him.
He stood in the front, not because he really wanted to, he would rather be able to hide behind all the others, but because his teacher demanded it so he could be an example to all the other trainees. JongIn always dreaded those mocking stares that were directed at him. They were worse than the words, because words he could drone out with music, he couldn’t do that with the stares. As he stood there in front of everyone else he squared his shoulders and tried to solely focus on himself in the mirror as he followed the instructions from the teacher. He almost forgot the hateful stares directed at him through the mirror.
He always made himself purposely slow after practice, making it seem like he was stretching out more properly than the others, just so he didn’t have to hear them talk about him in the locker rooms. He had done the same at that practice, and opened his eyes only after he could only hear fading voices in the distance. He had been startled by ChanYeol standing there by the door looking at him. Slowly he got up and moved over to take his bag, hoping the other would just leave him alone. He didn’t.
“You’re really, really good. Like overly awesome good.” JongIn stole a glance at ChanYeol, flushing when his eyes lock with ChanYeol’s filled with awe. “Thank you.” He muttered again. He wasn't used to other trainees complimenting him, not in dance class.
“Did you like, you know dance even before becoming a trainee?” ChanYeol’s voice was still laced with amazement and JongIn had felt himself flush even harder, more self-conscious than ever before. “I did.” He hesitantly looked up at ChanYeol and saw the quiet question etched on the other’s face. “Jazz and ballet.” His voice grew so small that he could barely hear it himself, his eyes focused on his worn out practice shoes. The ones his mother had given him when he had been accepted into the company the year before. He had noticed the gasp ChanYeol made and pried his eyes shut so he wouldn't see the way ChanYeol’s feet would move away. When there didn’t come a scrape of feet across the floor he gingerly opened them and he still saw ChanYeol’s feet planted where they were before. He looked up in shock and ChanYeol was smiling so brightly at him, it hurt his eyes. “You didn’t move away.” ChanYeol smiled even wider and shook his head. “That’s so cool. Wow. Ballet, that’s so hard. No wonder you’re so good.” ChanYeol had said, patting JongIn’s shoulder as he walked out of the room, constantly muttering to himself how cool that is. JongIn was left staring at his retreating back dumbfounded, for once looking forward to the next dance practice for other reasons than dancing.
It was as if when ChanYeol befriended him, the others realized that he wasn’t going to rape them or whatever they had thought he would do, so all the ones that had kept their distance, began talking to him. He suddenly had more friends than he could count on his hands.
A year had passed and suddenly ChanYeol was moving into JongIn’s dorm. They both knew what that met. They were one step closer to debuting, debuting in a group together. ChanYeol suggested that they held a movie night to celebrate and even though JongIn was exhausted after school alongside practice he agreed. He was as happy as ChanYeol were for the possibilities of them debuting together. He felt as if ChanYeol gave him strength to keep on fighting. ChanYeol had asked him if he had a certain movie he wanted to see and immediately he thought of Billy Elliot. It had been so long since he last saw it. He never had a moment alone, and he didn’t want the teasing to start again, so he avoided seeing it with anybody near. This was ChanYeol though. ChanYeol who hadn’t moved away when he found out JongIn danced ballet. ChanYeol that had befriended JongIn, ChanYeol who got a lot of others to befriend him too. Maybe it would be alright to show him his favorite movie. ChanYeol was making himself comfortable on JongIn’s bed with a bowl of popcorn as JongIn still a bit hesitantly dug the DVD out from under his bed and popped it in ChanYeol’s computer. “This is my favorite.” He had whispered as he settled himself into ChanYeol’s side, taking a handful of popcorn from the bowl offered to him. The low hum of interest from that deep voice made the turmoil in JongIn’s stomach calm down. Only ten minutes into the movie, JongIn had lost himself in it and finally the anxious voice in his head shut up.
When he turned to look at ChanYeol, that he finally remembered was pressed up against his side, as the credits was rolling, he had been met by a flushed face with tear streaks staining the cheeks. ChanYeol’s eyes and nose tip were red and he was sniffling. Without thinking JongIn reached up to dry the cheeks with his fingers. ChanYeol’s lower lip quivered and he let out a wail. It had taken JongIn by surprise when he’s pulled into a tight hug. ”That was so good.” ChanYeol had mumbled into JongIn’s shoulder as he buried himself in the crook of JongIn’s neck. “Really good. Thanks for sharing that.”
JongIn had felt overwhelmed with emotions, some he recognized as pride, relief and joy, others he couldn’t place but they made him jittery.
JongIn figured out what those feelings were, when BaekHyun entered the company. ChanYeol was friendly, something that JongIn had always appreciated since it was the reason why they were friends. Why JongIn had managed to gather so many friends. So at first he didn’t really mind how quickly ChanYeol and BaekHyun became friends, but as they spent more and more time together he couldn’t ignore the gnawing unkind feeling he got every time he saw the two together. He was jealous, so very jealous of how easy BaekHyun fitted with ChanYeol. Something that no matter how much JongIn tried, he could never do because he wasn’t like ChanYeol. He wasn’t loud and outgoing, he was reserved and it wasn’t until he was close to someone that he would joke around, even then he was always holding a bit back. He didn’t want to scare people away. He didn’t want to be abandoned and that’s exactly what he felt like when he saw the two together. It was when he realized that, he found out what those feelings he’s been having every time he was near ChanYeol meant. Maybe the other boys had been right in their distance and yet it was the one that got close that should have kept himself away.
The thought scared JongIn. If ChanYeol ever found out JongIn felt that way about him, he would definitely feel disgusted and hate JongIn. The prospect of them debuting together wasn't so attractive anymore to JongIn. He hoped that they would debut in different groups, or ChanYeol would debut as an actor, anything but having to spend every awakened moment together.
He nearly cried when the twelve of them was gathered and told they were going to debut together. ChanYeol had hugged him so tight, whispering in his ear that their dream about debuting together was finally happening. JongIn halfheartedly smiled at ChanYeol, not feeling the same excitement. The little spark of hope he got when he heard of the two subgroups, died so quickly. He knew the chance was low that any one of them was going to debut in China, but he had hoped. ChanYeol had been even more excited talking JongIn’s ear off about how they could still have movie nights and JongIn could introduce even more amazing movies to ChanYeol. The longer ChanYeol talked the more JongIn began to dread it. He wasn’t sure that now he was aware of his feelings, if he could keep them in check.
Slowly JongIn began to avoid ChanYeol, he tried not to be obvious about it, but he knew ChanYeol could feel it. The hurt and confused looks ChanYeol would send him, made his heart clench with guilt. He didn’t want to hurt ChanYeol, but every time the other smiled at him he just wanted to smother ChanYeol with kisses. ChanYeol was always smiling at him, so he started to avoid him instead. It got easier as their debut came closer. With all the teasers he had to shoot, he ended up spending most of his time in the dance studio. He could pass it off as he needed sleep if ChanYeol asked for a movie night, he could easily dodge ChanYeol’s attempts at trying to spend time together alone. Along the way ChanYeol just kind of accepted that JongIn didn’t want to be alone with him and clung to BaekHyun and YiFan when he was around. JongIn pretended his heart didn’t hurt when he saw it and focused on perfecting his already flawless dancing. It didn’t help much on the heartbreak.
When JongIn had been told he and ChanYeol had a separate schedule from the others together, he freaked out internally. They were going to be alone, so there was no way for him to avoid ChanYeol. He had glanced at ChanYeol with panicked eyes, because that meant they were going to share a hotel room together and he wasn’t sure if he could handle that. ChanYeol had caught his eyes and the smile he had on faltered. His right hand had come up to scratch his left shoulder awkwardly. “So I guess it’s just the two of us, just like old times huh?” ChanYeol’s voice was quiet and careful. He was aware of how little JongIn liked this. The guilt ate JongIn up from the inside, as he nodded and tried to smile like he once had around ChanYeol. He hoped it didn’t look as strained as it felt, but from the wince ChanYeol gave when he saw it, he knew he failed. He wanted to hit himself from being such a douchebag.
“Do you hate me now?” ChanYeol’s voice broke through the tension filled silence in their hotel room. JongIn was lying with his back facing ChanYeol, but he knew he couldn’t fake sleep nor actually fall asleep. “No.” His voice cracked and he startled at the sound of how bad it sounded. “Then why won’t you look at me anymore?” Because I want to kiss you and hold you and it hurts when I know you don’t want me too. “I’m just tired.” He could hear ChanYeol scoff and then there was a scuffling across the floor, his blanket being lifted and a weight lying itself down beside him. He tensed when he felt ChanYeol spoon him from behind. They had done this before once. ChanYeol had crawled into JongIn’s bed while they were trainees because JongIn was crying and had missed home so much. He had hugged JongIn tight into him, tugging the younger’s head under his chin as he muttered soft nothings in to the crown of it. He felt ChanYeol’s arms creep around his middle and pulling him close as the older shifted so he could rest his head atop of JongIn’s. “I’m not leaving until you tell me why. I miss you JongIn.” His voice is laced with sadness and the guilt builds up in JongIn’s throat. ChanYeol stays that way, silently just pressing JongIn close to him. When JongIn can feel ChanYeol’s breath evening out he lets out a sigh.
“I could never hate you. I love you too much to do that.” It’s a whisper, a ghost of a whisper and it’s the first time he’s said it out loud and it hits him harder than he thought it would. He doesn’t realize he’s crying until ChanYeol’s turning him, so he can properly hug him. JongIn’s shaking all over. “Hey, why are you crying?” ChanYeol’s soft voice just makes JongIn cry harder. It’s not fair how the tone in ChanYeol’s voice gives him false hope of something that’ll never be. “Hyung, hyung, hyung.” JongIn croaks, fisting his hands in ChanYeol’s sleeping shirt. He just wants to be closer. He wants to be much, much closer. “I’m right here JongIn. Don’t worry I’ll always be right here if you need me.” That makes JongIn choke on a sob, he hasn’t cried that hard in years, but even if ChanYeol is the reason why he’s crying, his presence calms JongIn a bit. He falls asleep like that, tugged in under ChanYeol’s chin, completely spent after crying for so long. He misses the small, “I love you just as much JongIn.” ChanYeol whispers into his hair.
He goes back to ignoring ChanYeol as much as possible again afterwards, even more diligently.
They just got off the stage after receiving the MAMA award as the year’s rookie and JongIn lets the tears he’s been holding back roll down his cheeks as he hides himself in the corner. Finally after so many years, it’s paid off. It’s as if it’s only then it hits him how far he has come, how much he’s reached of his dream. He looks out at his bandmates and takes in their happiness. Takes in how they’re holding onto each other, because together they achieved it. Together they’ve made their dream reality. His eyes search for ChanYeol in the mess of crying bandmates and when they find him, he sees eyes trained on him as ChanYeol’s comforting BaekHyun. Their eyes lock and they just stare. JongIn finds himself getting lost in ChanYeol’s eyes, in the deep pools of brown as his heart accelerates, making his breath hitch. There are promises of so many things in ChanYeol’s eyes, things JongIn never tried searching for already having been sure that they wouldn’t be there. It makes the tears stop and his face flush, hoping it isn’t just the adrenaline playing tricks on him.
It isn’t, he finds out when ChanYeol corners him later that night when everybody’s gone to bed and presses him up against the bathroom door kissing him until he has trouble catching his breath again when they part. “Let this be our little secret.” ChanYeol whispers against his lips before kissing him again and JongIn melts into the taller’s mouth. Yes, he thinks, this is our little secret.
So yeah, this just kind of popped into my head and I head to write it.
It's mostly just brain vomit, and angst.
It's been a while since I last wrote that.
Please comment? I would like to think what you thought.
It helps you know..
edit, 02/01/13.
I just realized that it's not likely everybody knows Billy Elliot.
It's a good movie, you should watch it.