All in All You (2/2)

[theblobmaster]

“Told you.”

“Please ByungHun, just-”

“I know, I’ll go now. Remember I’m just a phone call away.”

ChanYeol doesn’t know how long he has been lying on his bed, staring up at his high ceiling and the tissue formed lamps giving out sparse light in the otherwise completely dark apartment. The sun has set so he knows it’s after five but he can’t find it in him to care. ByungHun left long ago, leaving him in his misery alone like he wanted. His anger has dissipated and all there’s left is numbness. He’s not sure how to think of JongIn anymore or Luhan or anyone really.

Turning around so he’s staring into the wall, head pillowed on his hands ChanYeol sighs. He feels so utterly alone and left behind. Why hadn’t KyungSoo told him? Why hadn’t anyone told him? Seemingly everybody knew and no one had told him. He can hear the front door opening and closing, light steps coming closer until the bed is dipping under the weight of someone else. “Hey Yeol-ah.” Fuck. He’d expected it to be ByungHun or maybe KyungSoo, but not Luhan. He can’t fucking face Luhan, his everything is hurting because of Luhan. “Go away fuckface.” There’s a scoff and then a body pressing against his back. “I am hurt.” The tears are welling up and ChanYeol can feel his throat clogging again. “And I haven’t been?” It’s hard to ignore the broken sound of his voice, how the deepness cracks unevenly instead of the usual smoothness. “You have and no matter how much I apologies nothing can fix that.”

“You know I came back home to an almost insane JongIn. He was buried in the bearskin and I think he might’ve tried to suffocate himself in it? I’m not really sure what he was doing actually. He was kind of screaming and sobbing and banging his head all at the same time. I got pretty worried.”

“The point of this is, JongIn really, really regrets what he has done. I don’t know how much he told you since all he did were mumble. But I think it was for the best.”

ChanYeol had been lying still but at that he sits up abruptly, ripping himself from the arms Luhan had put around him. “What? It was for the best that you went from one day loving me to suddenly treating me like shit the next?” His voice is loud and he feels Luhan flinch. “No. That was a selfish action on my side. That was so I wouldn’t hurt so much. I do think it was for the best that we went our separate ways. You were in your prime back then, a relationship wouldn’t have made you truly blossom the way I know you could and did. I’m just sad that it was such a broken flower that bloomed.”

“ChanYeol, you’re one of the best models I’ve ever worked with if not the best. I would’ve held you back in the end.” The sincerity in Luhan’s eyes and the guilt dizzies him. “But why? Why would you have held me back?”

“I’m eight years older than you, I was ready to settle down and I knew you would never say no, that you’d want to be with me every day. If we stayed together your career would never have gotten any further and I would blame myself forever for it. It wouldn’t have been fair to any of us. You were barely out of your teens yet.”

The hand stroking his cheek felt cold. There was nothing soothing about it or the words. They didn’t make his anger dissipate but he knew that tomorrow they would make sense to him. That it will soothe it a bit.

“Please leave.”

“Don’t be mad at JongIn. Yes he did ask me to break it off with you, but it was my decision and he had nothing to do with that. He was just a student of mine at the time that had fallen in love with you from the sidelines. I know he’s been blaming himself for the breakup for years but it had nothing to do with him.” The desperation and guilt still lingering on his lips from the kiss makes sense now. JongIn’s lips on his had felt so raw and so apologetic. Something twists in him and the sadness and anger gives away to a feeling ChanYeol can’t put his finger on.

A soft press of once loved lips against his temple, he doesn’t even hear the door close behind Luhan.

“ChanYeol?”

“KyungSoo, it hurts.”

“I know. I’m sorry.”

There’s a throbbing in his head when he wakes up, his stomach growling in hunger and eyes stingingly dry. He can hear someone in the kitchen and there’s a blanket thrown over him that he hadn’t put there himself. Quietly and slowly getting out of bed he pads towards the kitchen area. The small person there hears him and turns around with a soft smile. “Oh, you’re up. Come get a glass of water and a bit to eat. You must be exhausted after that emotional trip yesterday.” The smile doesn’t falter even when ChanYeol gives no reaction. “Come on sit down. I’ll get it to you.” He ushers again and ChanYeol blinks. “JoonMyun hyung?” An old familiar hand caresses his cheek as another pushes him down into a chair. “How? What? I don’t understand.” JoonMyun gives him no explanation only urges him to eat and drink the light meal put before him.

“Hyung.” Finally JoonMyun looks at him. He’s perched at the kitchen counter, warm cup of coffee in his hands as he looks down seriously at ChanYeol. JoonMyun had been his first hook up so to say after Luhan. It was more like JoonMyun patched him back together as well as he could with kisses and intimate touches. “You’re still so beautiful, glad to see you less broken though.” the older states with a fond smile. “You’re probably wondering what I’m doing here right?” The light from the LED lamps suddenly stings in his eyes. He hasn’t seen JoonMyun in years and now he’s in his kitchen as if he had been all along. ChanYeol understands so little right now, confusion clouding his mind and he hates the feeling. “Actually I called up KyungSoo yesterday to see if your schedule would fit in a breakfast date with me. Just wanted to catch up and then I hear that some quite bad stuff went down yesterday so I dropped by instead.” Gently grabbing ChanYeol’s arm he leads them to the bed and lies down pulling ChanYeol over him. JoonMyun is so much smaller than him but the comfort of his familiar arms around his waist is welcomed.

Time is lost as they lay there, ChanYeol’s head perched on JoonMyun’s chest as short fingers run through his unruly hair. JoonMyun tells about his travels around the world and the wife and kids he now has at home. He promises to one day introduce ChanYeol to them, tells him that his two young girls are utterly in love with him. No words are said about the tears rolling down ChanYeol’s cheeks or the turmoil going on in his head.

ChanYeol hadn’t realized how much he had missed JoonMyun’s gentle words and comforting arms. No one can calm him down the same way and slowly a resolution forms in his head.

KyungSoo comes by later with food and a written apology from JongIn.

ChanYeol doesn’t want a letter; he wants JongIn to show up.

JongIn doesn’t show up.

He goes through the Christmas shows in a daze, changing out of clothing and changing into clothes on autopilot. With practiced steps he walks down the runways, eyes unfocused and heart heavy and before he knows it it’s the twenty-fourth, a magical evening outside. Light snow falling down onto loving couples walking hand in hand in the streets.

ChanYeol stuffs his hands deeper into the big pockets of his black wool trench coat and buries his head in the big deep burgundy scarf he has wound around his neck. His hands are freezing and he mentally berates himself for having forgotten his gloves. The cold night air is fresh, cold cutting in his nose. The slight wind carrying the pretty snowflakes makes his cheeks red and his eyes water a bit. He has a beanie pulled down over his ears and he knows that not many would be able to see more than his eyes.

Why had he chosen to walk to JoonMyun’s place instead of taking his car? He knows he has a reason but in the biting cold and with ten minutes to go he fails to see it. There are couples everywhere and ChanYeol wishes he was on a date instead of going home to celebrate Christmas with an old fuckbuddy and said fuckbuddy’s family. JoonMyun had probably only invited him out of pity, not wanting him to be lonely on the biggest dating night of the year.

No news had been heard from JongIn and ChanYeol found himself more and more frustrated. The small interview part had been done through KyungSoo, even if ChanYeol had found himself hoping JongIn would come ringing on his doorbell. His nose tip a bright red and his body hidden in a big coat, but he hasn’t seen him for a week now. No bright grins and stupid laughs, no hand tugging on his jacket asking to go and eat chicken.

At first he had been angry at JongIn, but then when it went away all it did was leaving an empty spot behind. JongIn wouldn’t answer any of his calls at all or reply to his texts. KyungSoo said that he’d even hang up if KyungSoo tried to bring up ChanYeol.

He can feel the nervous jittering in his leg as he waits for the door to open. Does JoonMyun’s wife know what they did in the past? He’s chewing absentmindedly on his lower lip when the door opens and a tiny woman comes in sight. She’s a bit on the chubby side with kind eyes and long hair. She smiles when she has to crane her neck to look at his face and he’s hit with an urge to hug her. Flustered he bows instead continuously and thanks her for inviting him into her home. She shakes her head at him and introduces herself as JinAe and the affection ChanYeol feels for her already is overwhelming. There’s the same soft and warm charisma coming from her as there comes from JoonMyun, it makes ChanYeol feel so safe and welcome the moment he steps into the apartment.

When she steps aside to let him take of his shoes he notices two small girls behind her. Their eyes wide and attentive on him, he gives them a little wave and a bright smile. They jump over to clutch the side of their mother’s legs with shy eyes looking down. The small pleased smiles on their faces betray them from hiding how happy they really are. Stepping over to them he feels like a tower so he squats and keeps his friendly smile on.

“Hi, I’m ChanYeol.” He waves again, keeping his eyes on them. “You two must be EunAe and EunJung. Your father has told me so much about you, but he didn’t say how pretty you two are.” That’s a lie. JoonMyun kept gushing about his two small beautiful angels but it’s worth saying to see the blush spread over their cheeks.

“Come, my husband should be waiting in the living room.” JinAe tells him and gratefully he follows her and the two girls into a big living room. It’s pleasantly decorated for Christmas, home cut paper hearts hanging in the window and Christmas drawings hung on the walls. It seems so homely compared to his own and in the middle of it all JoonMyun stands with a big smile on his face, dressed in the most awful sweater ChanYeol has ever seen. “Why would you put on something so hideous when you know a fashion model is coming?” Is the first thing that comes out of his mouth, but JoonMyun just laughs and pulls him into a hug. “Glad you could make it.” ChanYeol is too, he already feels completely at ease where he normally would still be fretting a bit. “Thank you for inviting me.”

They’re chatting comfortably, sitting on the off-white canvas couches when someone rings the doorbell. The two small girls, who so far still haven’t spoken a word to ChanYeol, springs up excitedly running for the door JinAe quietly following behind them. Whoever the person is, it must be family. From the friendly greetings and the comfortable way the girls are talking to them. It’s a bit surprising there’s another one coming, ChanYeol thought he would be the only guest.

“Uncle InIn come see him. He’s so pretty...” He hears one of them say and soon they’re pulling in a tall guy. A tall guy with tousled dark brown hair, sleepy eyes, lips made for kissing and sun kissed skin. “JongIn?” His voice sounds breathless but he does feel a little breathless. It feels like forever since he last saw him and the realization of that hits him like a train. He’s missed JongIn more than he thought. JongIn looks just as surprised to see him as he is to see JongIn. JoonMyun smiles through the dark glare JongIn sends him and says softly, “We’ll leave now to go and set the table. I want you two to talk.” then he leaves with an arm around JinAe and the girls running after the two.

Silence surrounds them before JongIn trudges over the other couch, pouting like a petulant child. “How do you know hyung?” ChanYeol asks first. “He’s my stupid cousin.” JongIn grumbles in reply. ChanYeol didn’t know JoonMyun had a cousin nor that JongIn did. “I’m not mad at you.” JongIn’s head snaps up so fast ChanYeol is worried it would break off. “I’m not.” He says again, following up with a, “Really.” when JongIn looks suspicious. “I talked to Luhan and he explained a bit. Stop blaming yourself and stop ignoring me.” He’s not even trying to conceal the hurt in his voice. “I missed you.”

The silence is deafening in ChanYeol’s ears and he feels slightly suffocated. His hands aren’t that interesting but he can’t meet JongIn’s eyes. Eyes he can feel looking at him. “If I kissed you now would you reject me?” JongIn whispers, voice seemingly afraid to come out. “I don’t think so, but I would rather that you didn’t.” The image of JongIn with dejected eyes is easy to imagine, but the hurt in his voice as he speaks up shouldn’t be possible. “Why?” There are a lot of reasons. He doesn’t want to hurt JongIn with undecided feelings, he’s not sure of how he would react but first and foremost because, “It would be kind of awkward, considering my history with JoonMyun hyung.”  There’s a strangled noise that makes ChanYeol look up and the expression on JongIn’s face is indescribable. “What?” Oh.

Somehow detecting anger JoonMyun appears and in a split second JongIn has him pressed down into the couch cushions and is visibly seething. “You fucked ChanYeol?” ChanYeol is genuinely scared for JoonMyun. JongIn has more than a few centimeters on him and seems to be better build too. JoonMyun isn’t exactly young anymore either. “Ehehehe, shouldn’t we wait with this conversation to another evening?” The sheepishness is dripping from his voice and it’s clear he’s a bit frightened. “It’s really not a big deal; it’s what almost seven years ago now?” ChanYeol tries, that only makes the frown between JongIn’s eyebrows deepen and he presses harder. “So just after? Even if you knew how I felt?” JoonMyun does look apologetic. “What was I supposed to do? I was a lonely business man with a broken beauty beside me. You were on the other side of the earth. It’s not fair to blame this entirely on me and you know I can’t just sit and watch someone break and if you have forgotten I’m very much in love with my wife. I’m not going to steal ChanYeol away from you.” Reluctantly JongIn stops the pressing. “Let’s forget about all these feelings for tonight and enjoy the wonderful meal JinAe has put together for us okay?” There’s no room for discussion and ChanYeol finds himself nodding in agreement without really wanting too.

“Thank you for the lovely dinner it was delicious and I can’t thank you enough for having me tonight.” ChanYeol bows once more and JinAe pats his cheek affectionately before trying to get the two girls to let go of his legs. They had started to talk to him after he whipped out the two dolls he bought them as gifts, clinging to every available limp there were and refusing to let go. “Hey princess’ I’ll come back and visit lots and lots okay?” He says affectionately, patting their heads softly so not to ruin their pretty braids. “Promise?” The eldest EunAe asks looking up at him with big eyes and he nods smiling reassuringly. JinAe smiles thankfully at him when the two girls let go and follows her to their bedroom.

JongIn tugs lightly at his coat, silently urging him to hurry up. “Hyung thank you for inviting me.” JoonMyun opens his arms for a hug and ChanYeol is about to give him one when JongIn pulls him back, eyes glaring holes into JoonMyun’s head. “Right. No touching.” Throwing his hands up jokingly in surrender JoonMyun waves them goodbye, sending ChanYeol a meaningful wink he’s not sure what means.

“Hyung.” JongIn’s voice startles him slightly in the silence of the elevator. “Can I take you out on a date?”

“Yeah.”

The snow is falling heavier as they walk side by side, shoulders bumping and hands grazing. ChanYeol’s hand is freezing, but the warmth JongIn’s hand is emitting is something he doesn’t want to miss. JongIn isn’t wearing his big puffy jacket today and the sleek lines of the woolen coat highlight his broad shoulders. It’s a back ChanYeol feels safe looking at, those shoulders seems like they would be able to carry all his worries away without feeling a thing. In a brave moment he hooks his pinky around JongIn’s with a soft squeeze. JongIn doesn’t look at him but a smile lights up on his face as his own pinky squeezes back.

JongIn leads him over to a Christmas decorated square where couples are looking up at big Christmas tree. Lights are glittering around it in all kinds of colors. It’s a breathtaking sight, it’s been so long since he was out on Christmas Eve and he never has the time to go around and look at the different kinds of decorations that is around the city. Warmth bursts in his chest when JongIn steps closer and pulls him in with an arm around his waist so he can lean on the younger’s chest.

“I really like you hyung, more than you can probably imagine.” JongIn’s smooth voice washes in over him, plush lips grazing the rim of his ear, forming words slowly but sincerely. “I started in fashion photography again selfishly because I wanted you to be mine.” People around the walk past them without a second glance, but ChanYeol’s heart is beating so hard he’s sure they’ll end up hearing it. JongIn’s nose nuzzles against his throat, the cold tip burning against his skin. “I really want to kiss you.” The words are whispered into his ear softly, breath puffing out warm and humid. “Right now, right here in front of all of these people to show you how sincere I am.”

There’s a small tremble in JongIn’s voice and the younger has buried his head in ChanYeol’s shoulder, the grip around his waist has tightened and ChanYeol can feel the nervousness and the embarrassment through it. “You wouldn’t care about being called names if you kissed me?” Skinship is normal between guys yes, but kissing isn’t. “No.” The resolute in JongIn’s voice spreads pleasantly over ChanYeol in a reassuring blanket of comfort. “I know that most of your exes broke up with you because they never felt they could gain your love. That you saw a ghost of Luhan in them, they were hurt that you never really loved them. I will wait until you love me and only me. I won’t give up no matter how hard it is. I want to be someone you can rely one-thousand percent on.” Now BaekHyun’s jabs make sense, why he always asked for emotions. “Okay.”

The pounding in his chest quickens when JongIn turns him around, almost carefully, arms locking around his waist and eyes steadily looking into his. With a tilt of JongIn’s head, ChanYeol can feel the warmth of his breath puff over his lips. “I really hope that was an okay to kiss you.” JongIn whispers just before he closes the distance and kisses ChanYeol. It’s gentle and hard all at once. JongIn’s lips are dry from the cold but they feel so soft against ChanYeol’s and with the way JongIn is kissing him it feels like JongIn never wants to let him go.

He’s not sure how long went by with them just kissing, all he can see is JongIn with swollen red lips and slightly glazed over eyes looking at him as if he’s the most amazing thing he’s ever seen and it’s so overwhelming ChanYeol has to step back. Scared he looks at JongIn, JongIn with his dark chocolate eyes and chocolate milky skin and wonderful red plush lips. JongIn that now looks at him confused and worried and ChanYeol’s head hurts. No one has ever looked at him like that before.

“ChanYeol?” JongIn’s voice is so careful like he’ll scare off ChanYeol if he spoke too loud. Focusing his eyes on JongIn again he smiles a little and grabs JongIn’s hand, lacing their fingers together as he steps closer. He lets his head rest against JongIn’s shoulder letting the comfort of just being near JongIn wash over him.

“You were so beautiful all those years ago, still are of course, but I was there on that day, the photo session at Luhan’s place. The way your eyes, bright and wide were staring unabashedly at Luhan made me angry and sad. I wanted those eyes only on me but I was young and dumb and in a fit of emotions I asked Luhan with tears streaming down my face to break up with you.”

JongIn buries his nose in ChanYeol’s hair, taking in a deep breath. “He laughed at me you know. Not really a mean laugh but I could see that he didn’t take me seriously. I was just a kid so I understand why. Really that’s why I packed up my things and went into wild life photography instead. Still all those years I never forgot your wide eyes and I just couldn’t get you out of my head.”

ChanYeol’s not really sure what to do with all the information but he kept quiet and waited to see if JongIn was done or not. “And then I got back and you were so enthralling to look at and your eyes. Your damn eyes there was still so much sorrow and hurt and yet still you took everything in stride, every mean jab and comment, and you were so kind to me and I fell for you all over again.”

Lifting his head he looks straight at JongIn, their close proximity somewhat startling him, the faint red color on JongIn’s face from the cold weather or maybe from his confession taking him by surprise. For a second he just stares before leaning in and kissing JongIn savoring. “Thank you” He whispers low enough for JongIn not to hear.

The party is in full swing when ChanYeol arrives, crisp in his burgundy shirt and white slacks, his hair styled away from his face. The New Year is just around the corner, a few hours and it’ll no longer be two 2019 and a new decade will begin. Browsing the crowd gathered in Luhan’s penthouse he’s met with familiar faces most of them with a smile on their lips greeting him politely. He’s idly wondering if KyungSoo has arrived yet and if he should go looking for him when someone pulls him into a very awkward headlock due to height difference.

“I hear you hooked up with a new photographer.” JongDae teases lightly with a push and pull of ChanYeol relatively larger body. “And a good looking one too, though of course not better looking than me. I swear I am your best catch to this date.” The smaller accompanies it with an obnoxious wink and ChanYeol has to bite his tongue not to let out an annoyed groan. “What do you want JongDae?” He asks instead and JongDae’s teasing lilt to his lips turns soft instead.

“Seeing you here tells me that you finally got over Luhan. So I wanted to congratulate you and wish you a happy life.” Staring in disbelief when BaekHyun slides up and hooks his arm around JongDae’s, staring him down in distaste but not in the usual hateful way. “Or I should have said we.” An even softer look comes over his sharp features as he looks at BaekHyun. ChanYeol chokes a bit on the air, “What? When? How?” BaekHyun sneers a bit and beside him JongDae coughs out a bad habits die hard earning himself an elbow in the side and a glare from BaekHyun. “Well we bonded over our extreme dislike for you and I finally got the feelings I’ve been searching for. Bye.” BaekHyun bites but JongDae is shaking his head discreetly beside him before he’s pulled away. ChanYeol, still a bit dumbstruck over the new information, looks after the couple in awe. He hopes they find what they didn’t find in him in each other.

“Yeol-ah!” Luhan calls for him and just by the tone of his voice ChanYeol can already hear that he’s drank a drink or two too much. “My dear and lovely Yeol-ah.” He’s pull into a tight hug that makes his stomach clench uncomfortably. He’s not quite over the last seven years of hurtful comments. “Luhan.” The older looks up at him with sad eyes and reach his hand up to pat his cheek. “I’m so sorry my pretty Yeol-ah. I should’ve talked with you, my pretty, pretty Yeol-ah. Yeol-ah, I’m so sorry do you forgive hyung? Can you forgive Lulu hyung?” There’s tears welling up in Luhan’s eyes and ChanYeol can feel panic starting in him. “Of course I forgive... Lulu hyung.” A sob wretch its way over Luhan’s lips before ChanYeol is crushed in a tighter than anyone would be comfortable with hug. “Forgive Lulu hyung. He’s stupid. My pretty Yeol-ah.”

ChanYeol’s pretty sure he’s never felt so happy to see MinSeok as much as he is in this moment. “Come on Luhan, let ChanYeol go.” MinSeok tries to coax but Luhan clings on tighter to ChanYeol and pouts pitifully at MinSeok. “No, my pretty Yeol-ah hasn’t forgiven bad Lulu hyung.” Exasperated MinSeok sighs and forcefully drags Luhan off of ChanYeol. “I’m sure ChanYeol has forgiven you but I might not if you keep clinging to your ex and calling him your pretty Yeol-ah.” That gets a reaction out of Luhan who whines and clings onto MinSeok who’s staring angrily at him. ChanYeol mouths a quick thank you, sorry to MinSeok before hurrying away from them.

With a relieved exhale ChanYeol leans up against the big glass windows and closes his eyes, finally a bit of peace, “Yo shitface.” or not. “SeHun I’m still your elder.” He opens his eyes and stares into SeHun’s bored face, eyes leveling him with a stare saying so? “Shitface.” He repeats bored and ChanYeol really isn’t up for this right now, he actually mostly just want to go home and bury himself in his bed with his laptop and watch stupid movies, but he had promised JongIn to meet up here and he’s not backing away from that. “What?” Only then does he notice the tall guy beside SeHun and if it wasn’t because he was smiling ChanYeol would’ve been scared for his life. He looks positively deadly and not only in the drop dead gorgeous way, he also looks painfully familiar. “Oh! You’re that stylist that gave Kris a dress on.” The stylist’s smile widens when he knows he’s recognized. “Hello, I’m Zitao. I’m friends with JongIn and SeHun here. I’m the one that has redesigned a lot of the clothes for your project with JongIn.” ChanYeol is about to thank Zitao for his cooperation when SeHun apparently thinks they’ve talked enough and drags Zitao away with a scowl.

ChanYeol thinks he’s finally got a bit of time for himself when he’s pulled into another bone crushing hug and when he looks down he’s looking into Yixing’s kind smiling eyes. “Congratulations. Be happy, I’m coming over soon I have something I want you to have.” and then he’s gone again. ChanYeol feels like he missed a memo of some sort. Have Luhan gathered all of his exes? He knows for sure that JoonMyun isn’t here but other than that the only one ChanYeol hasn’t met tonight is Kris. Standing on his toes he tries to scout over the mass of heads in search of another that’s above all the rest, but comes up with nothing.

The door leading to the rooftop garden is closed so ChanYeol sneaks through it, hoping to find some quiet for himself before going back to look for JongIn. There are no lit outdoor candles and it’s almost pitch black. There’s a loveseat swing faintly silhouetted from the light of the city below and fumbling a bit ChanYeol finds his way to it. He’s half seated when there comes a voice from under him. “I wouldn’t do that.” He jumps a bit and then curses in his head. Of course Kris would be here lying on the loveseat with a cigarette hanging from his mouth. “Seriously, did you all get an invitation saying let’s torture ChanYeol with ghosts from his past on the last night of this year?” He bursts voice loud and clear in the silent night air. Kris laughs, a small dry sound thanks to his smoking. “No, but that would’ve been pretty funny. Is your new boy coming tonight?” The tall model sits up and pats the space beside him and a bit hesitant ChanYeol sits down. “He should. He’s friends with Luhan and he made me come.” The cold is beginning to sting in his cheeks a bit and he wishes it was JongIn beside him so he could curl into his warmth. “Maybe I should gather the others and then we can all stand and stare at you two while you give the New Year’s kiss.” ChanYeol turns to Kris with wide horrified eyes and Kris bends over in good hearted laughter. “Don’t get worried,” he huffs out between small bursts of laughter, “I wouldn’t do that, I’m not JongDae.” Silence rests over them and ChanYeol enjoys the dark, he doesn’t think he would be able to sit and joke like this with Kris if he could see him. “Let’s go inside, it’s soon midnight.” Kris reaches out a hand for him to grab but ChanYeol ignores it and quietly follows Kris inside.

“I hope he’ll treat you well.” is said before Kris goes off and ChanYeol is left to stand and look for the dark brown tousled hair he’s been burying his nose in every morning this week. JongIn had a few things to take care of about some job so he said he would meet ChanYeol here. So far there’s no sight of him at all and ChanYeol can feel the doubt of if he’s going to show up enter his head. Soundly the noises of the mass of people in the large apartment are almost suffocating and then they start to count down and all ChanYeol want is out, away from people and couples and happy kisses. He’s halfway to the door when there’s a hand pulling him into a lean chest, a chest that has been pressed against his back every night of the last week as he slept in for once having a small break. A cologne he knows too well because it’s his own but it smells so better on JongIn and he turns around with a smile, relief flooding in over all of his limbs.

Faintly he hears the one in the background but all he can focus on his JongIn right in front of him, smiling up at him and then those lips he hasn’t been able to stop kissing since the night on the square is on his, kissing him gently and lovingly. “Happy New Year. Let’s begin anew, shall we?” JongIn whispers against his lips, a smile so big it makes his eyes crinkle and ChanYeol can’t help but agree before diving in for another kiss.

A flash goes off from their side and confused they turn their head to see KyungSoo looking at them with a blank expression. “What are you doing?” ChanYeol asks, he has never seen KyungSoo looking so unimpressed by his life before. “Photographer. Need pictures of everyone.” He mumbles and lifts the small digital camera and the flash goes off again. “Of course I would be appointed photographer at a party filled with basically only photographers.” Slightly stunned they watch him go away snapping pictures lifelessly at every single person he sees and then they’re falling over each other in laughter. ChanYeol hasn’t felt such genuine happiness for a long time and it feels great to have it back.

(     There’s an overturned magazine lying on the kitchen table when he gets home after having visited ByungHun and JongHyun in their new apartment. JongIn is nowhere in sight, so he must be out doing some errands. His camera is in the corner he always puts it in so he’s probably out to buy groceries. Curious ChanYeol picks the carelessly thrown magazine up from the table and turns it around. He’s on the cover alongside ten other models, KOREA’S SUPER MODELS SPECIAL is written in bold at the bottom. Suddenly ChanYeol realizes JongIn never showed him any of the pictures they took and the picture on the cover is one JongDae once took.

Carefully he opens the magazine and looks at the index. He’s the last one displayed and he’s also the model with the most pages for his spread. Idly he looks through the other spreads, seeing colleagues’ daily life photographed and he can’t help but laugh a little when he looks through Kris’ spread and sees his grumpy morning face and the pictures of his nightly skincare routine, some things never changes.

When he reaches the last page of the model before him, Daul Kim, he’s a bit morose. Her death had been such a sad occurrence and looking through the spread off her, reading what they had written about her made him want to cry. It nearly feels wrong that he has more pages than she has. Almost unwillingly he turns the page and what greets him makes him choke with disbelief.

It’s not a replica of his first photo-shoot, just with him as an adult. He can see the original photo in the bottom left corner, but it’s not a single picture that shows ChanYeol repeating the actions of his five year old self. It’s all just close ups. There’s one of his eyes crinkling with happiness and a picture of the corner of his mouth, a picture of his hand in his pocket. There’s six close up images that recreates the feeling of happiness he shows on the original picture. They don’t form a completely picture, but rather the small details you rarely notices in a picture.

The next, the Levi’s from the shitty hotel, a picture of the open fly and the small amount of hair you can see but also a picture of his hand gripping the sheet tightly, one of his mouth open tongue running over the bottom lip.

When he comes to the pictures taken in Luhan’s apartment, everything aches. There’s nothing pretty about him in any of them. Eyes hard and hurt, tears running down a swelling face, body curled in on itself, a picture showing his fingers digging into his own skin as he holds around himself. Everything screams broken.

The last page of the magazine shows a single, full body, picture and it’s nothing like any of the others.

It’s him in his faded Spider Man pajama bottoms and a loose black t-shirt, smiling lazily at KyungSoo outside the picture. His hair is a mess and there are bags under his eyes, he looks terrible but he also looks comfortable in his own skin and like himself. At the bottom written in cursive stands All in all, Park ChanYeol. Confused he looks back at the other pages and on each page in the same cursive writing at the bottom stands something, happiness, sensuality, sadness, anger and all in all that is what makes up Park ChanYeol.

There’s a click from the door locking and ChanYeol thinks to himself, there’s only one thing missing in the spread of words, love. When JongIn comes over with a smile, kissing him welcome home, he figures JongIn has enough time to see that through his lens as well.     )