Let's Make This Moment A Crime (Ficmix)
Title: Let's Make This Moment A Crime (Ficmix)
Author: stttmsbwa
Fandom: Drake and Josh
Pairings/Characters: Drake/Josh
Rating: R/M (to be safe)
A/N: Okay, so I've had these songs swimming in my head for a few weeks now and I've been wanting to make a fanmix for a while so I whipped this up and then I thought "I'll add cute/angsty drabble-like stories to add to the lyrics!" and then it turned into this really long thing and I'm ashamed of myself for being so obsessed with D&J as of late. But I really hope you all enjoy it! I had a lot of fun making it all! And the songs are all so amazing and wonderful.
Summary: There's this thing going on between Drake and Josh.
1. Ache For You - Ben Lee
And it's alright if you're undecided or,
If you're scared that you might like it or
If it's true, I ache for you
There's no rhyme and there's no reason
You're the secret in the back of my skull
There's no logic, so please believe me
Our love's confusing, but it never gets dull
It was in every look, every laugh, every touch, every hug. Josh had known for years that there was some sort of aching feeling buried beneath the surface. It never made exact sense to him. Was it supposed to? Did these things ever make sense? Maybe it could have - if it had been anyone but Drake, Josh would have overanalyzed it and questioned it five zillion times.
But things with Drake were always so illogical and whacky and yet so thrilling and amazing.
It really didn’t surprise Josh when he realized how much he wanted Drake Parker.
What really did surprise Josh was when he discovered how much Drake Parker wanted him, too.
2. Always Be - Jimmy Eat World
I was just a boy like every other
I thought I was something fierce
I thought I was ten times smarter
Love would be something that I just know
(Something I just know)
How you gonna know the feeling till you've lost it
I've been losing plenty since
I'm alone in this
I'm all as I've always been
Right behind what's happening
She's all lost in this
She's all like she'll always be
A little far for me to reach
Drake knew he was a little bit of a shmuck. A guy that girls don't take home to their parents. Especially not their fathers. Drake and fathers? They never really meshed well.
And while Drake was pretty much aware of his shmuckness, it never really bothered him. Drake knew what he was doing (most of the time) and Drake always had the right moves and the perfect charms (he was fierce and cunning).
And while Drake enjoyed shmucking around with a new girl every few days, he never really felt it. That special feeling that was mentioned so often in many of his favorite songs, wailed about by nearly all of his most idolized artists.
When had Drake ever truly been in love? Did Drake even know what love was? Wasn't love just supposed to happen? Wouldn't he know it when it did? Why didn't it ever happen with any of the number of girls he dated?
Did it feel anything like that deep-in-your-gut, wrenching-your-heart, attacking-your-brain feeling Drake had been experiencing lately?
Because Drake had discovered this feeling. And Drake was a little scared. He felt it whenever Josh mentioned Mindy, whenever Josh was with Mindy, whenever Drake thought of Josh kissing Mindy.
So was this love? Drake supposed so. It hurt. A lot.
It was better off this way, Drake knew. Josh was too good for him anyhow.
3. My Hands Are Shaking - Sondre Lerche
My heart is pounding
yes yes yes
My mind just second guess
My love is so
articulate
But I am such a mess
My hands are shaking
From carrying this torch
From carrying this torch for you
My lips are bleeding
From kissing you good night
Oh kissing you goodbye
It's all that I do
This isn't what Josh wanted. Well, technically, yes - this is what Josh wanted. A panting, moaning, naked Drake beneath him, trembling with want. Yes, Josh has wanted this for so very long.
How they had gotten here? Josh didn't even know. Well, technically, yes he did. A few weeks ago there was a little arguing, a little mock wrestling, a little groping, a lot of kissing...
And, hell yes, Josh wanted it.
It was the unspoken part of this that Josh didn't want. The whole part where everything they do, everything they are is a big fat secret.
Sometimes, Josh lies in bed and imagines what it would be like if Drake wouldn't mind letting the this become something real. A relationship.
But then again, Josh doesn't even know whether or not Drake even feels the same way about him. The same way Josh feels about Drake.
And so Josh lies in bed every night, making himself sick with anxious fear. Would this be the night that Drake stops crawling under his covers? Would this be the night that Drake starts to pretend that this had never ever happened?
And every night Josh's fears are pushed away by the sound of footsteps creeping down stairs and towards his bed. And as Drake tugs at his shoulder and as Josh pulls him down, Josh lets his messy thoughts fall to the wayside.
But Josh can't do it anymore. Not like this. He can't keep kissing Drake goodnight, dreading that it's going to be a good bye.
4. Back In Your Head - Tegan and Sara
When I jerk away from holding hands with you,
I know these habits hurt important parts of you.
Remember when I was sweet and unexplainable?
Nothing like this person, un-loveable.
I just want back in your head.
I just want back in your head.
I'm not unfaithful, but I'll stray.
When I get a little scared
Josh couldn't understand. Wouldn't. It made Drake so frustrated. Josh was supposed to be the logical one in this, this, this. Whatever this was.
Outside their room, Drake knew they had to keep up the image of "step brothers." And the last time Drake watched Lifetime television? Step brothers did not hold hands (unless they were really screwed up. And Drake and Josh were not screwed up. Not!)
Inside their room, though, Drake was okay with the affection and the groping and the kissing, hell yes the kissing and the touching and the coming. Drake loved it all. Drake loved this.
But only inside their room. And Josh couldn't, no, wouldn't understand.
"Why does it matter so much?"
"Because, Drake! Doesn't this matter to you?"
Drake sighed heavily and threw up his arms. "What is this? What are we doing?"
Josh gave him the look, and then Drake knew he was shut out. "You tell me when you know, Drake."
It bothered Drake, it really did. Because he knew he loved Josh. But the this? He may love it and Josh may love it, but what would his mother think? Walter? The rest of the world?
Drake knew what the rest of the world expected of him, outside of their room. He only hoped Josh didn't hate him too much when he came home disheveled by someone else's lips and fingers.
5. Heels Over Head - Boys Like Girls
I got a first class ticket to a night all alone
And a front row seat up right by the phone
Cause you're always on my mind
And I'm running out of time
I've got your hair on my pillow and your smell in my sheets
And it makes me think about you with the sand in your feet
Is it all you thought it'd be?
You mean everything to me
But I'm the first to fall and the last to know
And where'd you go?
Now I'm heels over head,
I'm hangin' upside down
Thinking how you left me for dead
California bound
And when you hit the coast
I hope you think of me
And how I'm stuck here with the ghost of what we used to be
It took all his willpower to not sniff his pillow. He inhaled his sheets instead, hoping and wishing there was some remainder of Drake left (there was, and it was delicious and bitter). Every twelve minutes, Josh would turn to the phone and stare at it expectantly, wondering why there hadn't been a call yet.
Josh blamed himself. He couldn't blame Drake, because Drake was gone. Packed up and gone.
The guys and me are hitching a spot on this up and coming band's tour. Don't worry about me! I'll call you once things calm down.
Because Audrey and Walter would stay so calm once they read something like that. And yet, it seemed as though the most anxious one was Josh.
Drake was gone. And Josh was pretty sure it was because of him. Of what he said.
"Who was she?"
Drake pulled off his jacket and attempted to wipe the smudges of lipstick off his neck.
"No one important."
Josh gripped the cushion he was clutching and resisted the temptation to jump off the couch and storm out of the room.
"You seem to be favoring the unimportant hook-ups as of recently, huh?"
Avoiding the glare he knew was being sent his way, Josh hugged the cushion closer and waited.
"This is not a hook-up, Josh." Drake motioned with his hand the space between him and Josh, who continued to look away. "I may not know quite exactly what this is, but I am at least aware that it's a whole lot more than some stupid fucking hook-up."
"Maybe to you it is."
Josh hadn't meant it. Not at all. He wanted the words to quickly scramble back into his mouth and away from Drake. But it was out there now.
Drake shook his head. "You don't mean that."
Maybe Josh had (he really hadn't, not even a little). But Drake wouldn't be around to find out the truth.
He had to do something. He had to try to make things right. With trembling fingers, Josh dug his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed.
Straight to voice message.
Josh tapped his toes as he waited for the tone.
"Drake! I, I was just wondering when you were, well, if you were going to call. Mom and Dad are a little frantic. Megan seems unfazed. Almost cheerful and pleasant actually. Anyways, I - " Josh hesitated. "I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry Drake. I - you - you're a chance taker, Drake Parker! A chance taker and a heartbreaker." He sighed and squeezed the tears back in. "And you've got me wrapped around your finger. I'm sorry Drake. Come home soon. I, I lo -"
The tone beeped at Josh, telling him there was no more room for the end of his message.
6. Kettle's On - The Feeling
I'm strong, but I feel like a mouse when you're gone
Yes, and I'm weak,
But I'll take on the world when you're here with me
With me
Can't you see you're in the wrong place,
Will you please face it and come home
When I think about your sweet face
I can't wait for you to come home
I can see you've got a real taste for that champagne
But it's all gone
So come home
The kettle's on
Drake was pretty sure these were the moments he'd been waiting to live his entire life. He wasn't the headlining band - hell, he was one out of three tiny local bands opening - but the feeling and the vibes of performing on stage were enough to give Drake a high for four whole days.
On the fifth day Drake checked his messages and came down hard.
Although he was well on his way to living his dream, so close to releasing his soul, Drake knew he had left something really important behind in San Diego.
His heart.
--
Josh never knew how much of his life involved Drake. It had been ten days since Drake left, four since he had called the home phone (Walter had answered it and had only talked to Drake for three minutes before Drake had to hang up), five since Josh hadn't received a reply in regards to his message.
Summer was Drake's favorite season. Every summer Drake would drag Josh around to all sorts of places, getting Josh to try and do different things ("You need to do less constructed activities and more random fun! Now let's go check out that new coffee house with the mirrors on the ceiling.").
So far, it was half way through the summer and Josh had spent the past ten days sulking in the house.
Maybe Josh had contracted that psychological disease, the one that makes people afraid of leaving their homes. Agoraphobia. Maybe Josh would be stuck inside his house for the rest of his life, too scared to ever step outside ever again.
Maybe Josh didn't have Drake to make his life...complete.
Two days later and Josh realized that he hadn't even left his room, other than to go to the bathroom. The only reason why he'd even noticed was because his food supply was running low.
This was getting bad.
Josh held a lukewarm can of Mocha Cola in his limp hands as he watched "Celebrity Food Fight."
"That's right, Jenny. You smash that cantaloupe into Bradly's too-handsome face. He left you. Left you! Smash the cantaloupe! SMASH THE CANTELOUPE!"
"Am I interrupting?"
Josh's can of Mocha Cola was crushed slightly as Josh flinched and whipped his head in the direction of a well missed voice.
"D-Drake?"
A haggard yet smirking Drake stood inside the room, guitar case still slung across his shoulder.
"I forgot something."
Josh frowned as he turned off the T.V., still unable to fully process the fact that Drake was home, Drake was home, Drake was home.
"What did you forget?"
"My heart."
Josh watched as Drake pulled off his guitar and walked over to Josh. Grabbing the semi-crushed can and setting it onto the counter, Drake took both of Josh's hands into his own.
"I'm sorry, Josh. It was wrong for me to run away from this. I was just - I don't know, I was just scared and unsure and I still am, but I love you too much to stay away from it all. And I really missed you and - "
"Wait." Josh raised an eyebrow. "What did you say?"
"I really missed you?"
"Before that."
"I love you too much to - ?"
Before Drake could finish repeating himself, Josh had launched himself up off the couch and planted his lips onto Drake's.
The kiss was desperate and longing, both boys trying to get as close to each other as possible. Hands ran up and down bodies, unable to stay in one place, unable to stop feeling the body that had been gone and away for so long, too long.
After a gasp for air from Drake, the boys pulled away, arms still clutching the other closely. Josh pressed his forehead against Drake's and whispered, "I love you, too, Drake. I love you, too."
--
There was never such a feeling like this. Drake knew now. This? This was love. He wasn't going to run from it anymore.
7. Let's Make This Moment A Crime - The Format
We just got to take our time
It's like nothing really matters,
So let’s make this moment a crime
I know, I know you’re left behind
On and on and on you wait
And all the days, they fade away
And all the nights,
They’ve never felt the same
If I was wrong then I was wrong
And on and on and on and on
The things we do are never gonna change
It didn't matter that Josh hadn't showered in three days and had stubble growing. It didn't matter that Drake had been drinking coffee like it was water for the past week. Drake relished in the feel of beard burn just as much as Josh enjoyed the taste of Columbian beans on Drake's tongue.
The two boys worked hastily to pry off all tightly worn pants and to untie all knotted robes. Nothing really mattered at this point - nothing but feeling the skin on skin they had been missing for over two weeks now.
As Drake slipped out of his boxers, Josh bent down to bite hard on Drake's right hipbone. Such sexy, hipbones, always protruding out of Drake's jeans and body and Josh just wanted to lick them both. Drake did nothing but moan, louder and longer with each flick of Josh's tongue.
Drake managed to push Josh onto the couch, straddling the disrobed brunette.
"Before we go any further, I just want to make sure we are both on the same page with the whole this thing."
Groaning, Josh closed his eyes. "Dammit, Drake. You pick now to have this conversation?"
Grinning devilishly, Drake bent down to touch his nose to Josh's. "Don't you want to know what I've decided this is?"
With the word "this," Drake thrusted against Josh. Both boys moaned at the direct pressure.
"This - " Drake thrusted again, "- is me - " sighing as Josh's hands gripped his hips, "- telling you - " so tight that there would be bruises, "- that I think -" and this thought made Drake thrust another time, harder, "- we should -"
Josh didn't have the time nor the patience for this shit.
Flipping them over, Josh pressed down all his weight and caught Drake's lips with his own. Stopping the kiss for just a second, Josh growled, "Finish this speech later."
Drake had no other choice but to comply and be swept into a sweet, sweaty haze of pleasure.
--
"I was wrong."
"So was I."
It was almost impossible to discern where one boy ended and the other began. They clung to each other as if one of them was going to disappear if there wasn't as much physical contact as possible.
"I made you wait."
"I didn't have to."
"I love you."
"I love you."
"I'm always going to be a shmuck, though."
"I know. My shmuck."
"I'm still afraid."
"Me too."
"I missed you."
"I missed you."
"I won't leave you like that again."
"Don't ever leave me like that again."
"I love you."
"I love you."
8. Shortly Before The End - Ok Go
How long did we all think this all would last?
Who could have counted days as they flew past?
But before we go, sing us a song.
Sing us a song to hum through the hours of dying.
Who would have thought it'd come as such a show?
A pink and silver day... who was to know?
Even as we go, sing us a song.
Sing us a song, to hum through the hours of dying.
Drake promised Josh that they would "come out of the bedroom," after he finished his tour with the bands. There were two more weeks slated and then they wouldn't be needed anymore. But two weeks of exposure is two weeks of exposure.
"I'll be back before you know it, I swear."
Josh nodded his head, but inside he was shaking.
"Joshie?"
Face instantly lighting up, Josh turned to make eye contact with Drake.
"Please don't lie around this house while I'm gone. Do stuff."
Josh said he would and Drake smiled.
They hugged and kissed and then Drake was gone again.
--
"How long did you think it would last?"
Josh didn't turn away from his pancake batter. "What are you talking about, Megan?"
"About you and Drake's clandestine secret relationship."
The spatula fell to the floor with a clunk. Meeting Megan's eyes fearfully, Josh sputtered, "I - uh, what are you talking about?"
"Oh please, Boob. I saw you two kissing the other day when he left. Besides, I'm not the stupid one. I've known for months. Don't worry, I won't tell."
Megan paused and smirked. "Well, not unless you really boob something up for me. Then I'll just blackmail you."
Josh's breathing was still shaky, even after Megan had left the kitchen.
--
"- and then, when we got to L.A., we played in this really awesome club where they totally loved us. Loved us!"
Audrey and Walter watched as Drake lifted his fork in the air, a look of nostalgia planted on his face.
"It felt like I was walking on air."
Josh sneaked a peek at Drake, chuckling to himself. Too cute, he thought.
Megan snorted into her mashed potatoes. "Was it a gay club?"
Drake and Josh both swiveled their heads in Megan's direction. The younger girl immediately blushed and stammered. "I mean, well, cause they obviously -"
"What?" Audrey's face was contorted with confusion. "What does a gay club have anything to do with Drake's performance?"
Walter laughed. "Maybe Drake made them really happy." Audrey gave Walter a withering glare. "Okay, sorry. Not funny."
Josh caught Drake's attention and gave him the this look. Drake paled and shook his head lightly. Josh nodded in response, nudging Drake's foot with his own. Drake shook his head more emphatically, scowling and pulling his foot away. Josh sighed and bit his lip. Drake raised both his eyebrows and folded his arms.
By this point, Audrey and Walter had picked up on the silent argument that was occurring across the dinner table.
"Boys? Do you have something to say? Because you know that you can use words, right?"
Josh turned to Audrey. "Sorry Mom. Drake and I are just -"
"Mom?" The tone in Drake's voice was uncertain and a little shaky. "Walter? Josh and I have, um, we have something we need to say."
Josh connected eyes with Drake, seeing the fear leaking out of his pupils.
"What is it, Drake?"
"What have you boys done now?"
Drake inhaled heavily and shook his head at Josh. Nodding in understanding, Josh turned to his father. "Drake and I are together."
9. Such Great Heights - The Postal Service
I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images and
When we kiss they're perfectly aligned
They will see us waving from such great heights
"Come down now," they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now," but we'll stay
Josh turned his key and opened the door to the apartment. Drake's voice called out to him from the bedroom.
"It that you Josh?"
Closing the door and walking the small distance from the entrance to the bedroom, Josh peeked his head in. "Yeah. I'm home."
"And I'm leaving in twenty minutes."
Josh smiled playfully. "Twenty minutes of fun?"
Drake, standing in front of the mirror, finished buttoning his shirt and laughed softly. "I wish. But I can't be late again. I really need this job."
Pouting slightly, Josh came up behind Drake and wrapped his arms around the shorter boy's shoulders. "My cute, adorable boyfriend. Waiter by day, rock star by night."
"You're mistaken. Bookstore stock boy by morning, waiter by day, struggling musician by night."
"As long as you're Drake Parker and you're mine, none of that other stuff matters."
Drake smiled at Josh's reflection. "How was class?"
"Fine. Good. I've got enough homework to make me consider quitting my own job."
Finishing with his buttons, Drake pushed back into the embrace.
"You do that and we get evicted."
"Mmmm hmmm, I know. When did you become the reasonable one and I become the jokester?"
"When Mom and Walter kicked us out."
Josh sighed and released his hold on Drake. "You know they didn't kick us out. We left."
"Because they freaked! Same thing in my book."
Drake turned around to face Josh.
"You know how scared I was to tell them. They reacted exactly the way I feared they would."
Josh nodded and sighed again. "Okay, Drake. I hear you."
Rubbing his head, Drake frowned. "I'm sorry. It's just - we've come so far and we're doing pretty well considering the situation - "
"The one where we've basically drained my college funds? The ones meant for Columbia? And now I'm going to community college?"
Drake sniffled. "I'm sorry, Josh. Really, I am."
"Hey," Josh murmured, pulling Drake to his chest. "Hey. I made the decision. We made this choice together. We're together."
He bent down to kiss Drake and it felt as though a puzzle piece had clicked into place. Drake kissed back, lifting his hands to tangle into Josh's hair.
Drake pulled away, fixing his gaze up to Josh.
"They called."
"Who?"
"Mom and Walter."
Josh gaped for a second. "When?"
"Two days ago. They left a message. I erased it."
"What? Why? What did it say? Why didn't you tell me?"
Drake shrugged. "I don't know. I was afraid."
"Of what?"
Shuffling his feet, Drake looked downward. "Afraid that you'd want to go back."
"What?"
"They said they wanted us to come home. That they were sorry how things turned out and that they miss us and they want us to come home."
Josh stood silent for a moment. Drake looked back up.
"Josh, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I just - I really like where we're at. I know it's hard work, and I know we're struggling, and I know you gave up your dream, and I know I'm probably being really selfish. But I didn't want to leave."
Drake tried stepped back from Josh's hold, but Josh tightened his grip.
"Drake."
"I mean, if you wanna go back, alright. We can go. You probably miss Walter and Mom and Helen and Crazy Steve and Craig and Eric and possibly even Megan. Maybe you can still get into Columbia and - "
"Drake. You're right." Drake's face crumpled, but Josh continued. "I do miss a lot of people. Dad and Mom and even Crazy Steve. And maybe Megan, a little." Drake nodded knowingly, but Josh shook his head. "Regardless. We're not going back. Everything looks perfect from where I'm standing."
Eyes widening, Drake inhaled sharply. "Really? You mean it?"
Josh smiled and Drake laughed and they hugged and they kissed and Drake was late for work but everything would be okay. Everything would be alright.
10. Don't Let Me Down - No Doubt
Time after time
It's just too much to take
I've waited so long
Just to get to this place
And finally it feels like
The lost was found
You got me filled up now
Don't let me down
So don't blow it
No not a little bit
Cause now you're all mine
Don't you forget it
Don't blow it
Even a little bit
Cause now you're all mine
Don't you forget it
It was like two men lost in the desert had found an oasis. Audrey and Walter were the two men and Drake and Josh were the oasis.
"Oh boys!"
"Our sons, home!"
"We missed you so much!"
After all the hugging and all the cheek pinching and all the suggestions to come over here, eat some of this, try on these newly bought I-really-hope-you-haven't-changed-sizes-too-much-these-past-few-months clothes.
Once Drake and Josh had finally managed to shake off their parents and drag their duffle bags up to their room, both boys were out of breath and panting. One look at each other and they burst into laughter.
"Are you glad we decided to visit?"
"I'm glad we decided to not come back permanently. Imagine what they would be like if we had."
Josh chuckled and threw himself onto his old bed. Drake followed, resting his head against Josh's stretched out arm.
"It does feel good, though. To be back."
"So many good times in this room."
Drake smirked. "Yeah. Good times."
"And bad."
Rolling his eyes, Drake poked Josh in the stomach. "Yeah, yeah. Some weren't so good."
"But I've waited so long for this that they don't matter anymore."
"Waited for what?"
"To get to this place."
"Our room?"
Josh sighed. "No. This place of our relationships. No secrets. No lies. Just us. Together."
"Yeah. It's pretty nice."
"Just don't let me down."
"I won't, brotha. Not ever again."
Josh grabbed Drake and pulled him flush to his chest. The two boys laid side by side facing each other. Drake grinned and Josh smiled and they both stayed there until Audrey yelled them down for dinner.
Download Songs and Images Here
Let me know what you think!
Author: stttmsbwa
Fandom: Drake and Josh
Pairings/Characters: Drake/Josh
Rating: R/M (to be safe)
A/N: Okay, so I've had these songs swimming in my head for a few weeks now and I've been wanting to make a fanmix for a while so I whipped this up and then I thought "I'll add cute/angsty drabble-like stories to add to the lyrics!" and then it turned into this really long thing and I'm ashamed of myself for being so obsessed with D&J as of late. But I really hope you all enjoy it! I had a lot of fun making it all! And the songs are all so amazing and wonderful.
Summary: There's this thing going on between Drake and Josh.
1. Ache For You - Ben Lee
And it's alright if you're undecided or,
If you're scared that you might like it or
If it's true, I ache for you
There's no rhyme and there's no reason
You're the secret in the back of my skull
There's no logic, so please believe me
Our love's confusing, but it never gets dull
It was in every look, every laugh, every touch, every hug. Josh had known for years that there was some sort of aching feeling buried beneath the surface. It never made exact sense to him. Was it supposed to? Did these things ever make sense? Maybe it could have - if it had been anyone but Drake, Josh would have overanalyzed it and questioned it five zillion times.
But things with Drake were always so illogical and whacky and yet so thrilling and amazing.
It really didn’t surprise Josh when he realized how much he wanted Drake Parker.
What really did surprise Josh was when he discovered how much Drake Parker wanted him, too.
2. Always Be - Jimmy Eat World
I was just a boy like every other
I thought I was something fierce
I thought I was ten times smarter
Love would be something that I just know
(Something I just know)
How you gonna know the feeling till you've lost it
I've been losing plenty since
I'm alone in this
I'm all as I've always been
Right behind what's happening
She's all lost in this
She's all like she'll always be
A little far for me to reach
Drake knew he was a little bit of a shmuck. A guy that girls don't take home to their parents. Especially not their fathers. Drake and fathers? They never really meshed well.
And while Drake was pretty much aware of his shmuckness, it never really bothered him. Drake knew what he was doing (most of the time) and Drake always had the right moves and the perfect charms (he was fierce and cunning).
And while Drake enjoyed shmucking around with a new girl every few days, he never really felt it. That special feeling that was mentioned so often in many of his favorite songs, wailed about by nearly all of his most idolized artists.
When had Drake ever truly been in love? Did Drake even know what love was? Wasn't love just supposed to happen? Wouldn't he know it when it did? Why didn't it ever happen with any of the number of girls he dated?
Did it feel anything like that deep-in-your-gut, wrenching-your-heart, attacking-your-brain feeling Drake had been experiencing lately?
Because Drake had discovered this feeling. And Drake was a little scared. He felt it whenever Josh mentioned Mindy, whenever Josh was with Mindy, whenever Drake thought of Josh kissing Mindy.
So was this love? Drake supposed so. It hurt. A lot.
It was better off this way, Drake knew. Josh was too good for him anyhow.
3. My Hands Are Shaking - Sondre Lerche
My heart is pounding
yes yes yes
My mind just second guess
My love is so
articulate
But I am such a mess
My hands are shaking
From carrying this torch
From carrying this torch for you
My lips are bleeding
From kissing you good night
Oh kissing you goodbye
It's all that I do
This isn't what Josh wanted. Well, technically, yes - this is what Josh wanted. A panting, moaning, naked Drake beneath him, trembling with want. Yes, Josh has wanted this for so very long.
How they had gotten here? Josh didn't even know. Well, technically, yes he did. A few weeks ago there was a little arguing, a little mock wrestling, a little groping, a lot of kissing...
And, hell yes, Josh wanted it.
It was the unspoken part of this that Josh didn't want. The whole part where everything they do, everything they are is a big fat secret.
Sometimes, Josh lies in bed and imagines what it would be like if Drake wouldn't mind letting the this become something real. A relationship.
But then again, Josh doesn't even know whether or not Drake even feels the same way about him. The same way Josh feels about Drake.
And so Josh lies in bed every night, making himself sick with anxious fear. Would this be the night that Drake stops crawling under his covers? Would this be the night that Drake starts to pretend that this had never ever happened?
And every night Josh's fears are pushed away by the sound of footsteps creeping down stairs and towards his bed. And as Drake tugs at his shoulder and as Josh pulls him down, Josh lets his messy thoughts fall to the wayside.
But Josh can't do it anymore. Not like this. He can't keep kissing Drake goodnight, dreading that it's going to be a good bye.
4. Back In Your Head - Tegan and Sara
When I jerk away from holding hands with you,
I know these habits hurt important parts of you.
Remember when I was sweet and unexplainable?
Nothing like this person, un-loveable.
I just want back in your head.
I just want back in your head.
I'm not unfaithful, but I'll stray.
When I get a little scared
Josh couldn't understand. Wouldn't. It made Drake so frustrated. Josh was supposed to be the logical one in this, this, this. Whatever this was.
Outside their room, Drake knew they had to keep up the image of "step brothers." And the last time Drake watched Lifetime television? Step brothers did not hold hands (unless they were really screwed up. And Drake and Josh were not screwed up. Not!)
Inside their room, though, Drake was okay with the affection and the groping and the kissing, hell yes the kissing and the touching and the coming. Drake loved it all. Drake loved this.
But only inside their room. And Josh couldn't, no, wouldn't understand.
"Why does it matter so much?"
"Because, Drake! Doesn't this matter to you?"
Drake sighed heavily and threw up his arms. "What is this? What are we doing?"
Josh gave him the look, and then Drake knew he was shut out. "You tell me when you know, Drake."
It bothered Drake, it really did. Because he knew he loved Josh. But the this? He may love it and Josh may love it, but what would his mother think? Walter? The rest of the world?
Drake knew what the rest of the world expected of him, outside of their room. He only hoped Josh didn't hate him too much when he came home disheveled by someone else's lips and fingers.
5. Heels Over Head - Boys Like Girls
I got a first class ticket to a night all alone
And a front row seat up right by the phone
Cause you're always on my mind
And I'm running out of time
I've got your hair on my pillow and your smell in my sheets
And it makes me think about you with the sand in your feet
Is it all you thought it'd be?
You mean everything to me
But I'm the first to fall and the last to know
And where'd you go?
Now I'm heels over head,
I'm hangin' upside down
Thinking how you left me for dead
California bound
And when you hit the coast
I hope you think of me
And how I'm stuck here with the ghost of what we used to be
It took all his willpower to not sniff his pillow. He inhaled his sheets instead, hoping and wishing there was some remainder of Drake left (there was, and it was delicious and bitter). Every twelve minutes, Josh would turn to the phone and stare at it expectantly, wondering why there hadn't been a call yet.
Josh blamed himself. He couldn't blame Drake, because Drake was gone. Packed up and gone.
The guys and me are hitching a spot on this up and coming band's tour. Don't worry about me! I'll call you once things calm down.
Because Audrey and Walter would stay so calm once they read something like that. And yet, it seemed as though the most anxious one was Josh.
Drake was gone. And Josh was pretty sure it was because of him. Of what he said.
"Who was she?"
Drake pulled off his jacket and attempted to wipe the smudges of lipstick off his neck.
"No one important."
Josh gripped the cushion he was clutching and resisted the temptation to jump off the couch and storm out of the room.
"You seem to be favoring the unimportant hook-ups as of recently, huh?"
Avoiding the glare he knew was being sent his way, Josh hugged the cushion closer and waited.
"This is not a hook-up, Josh." Drake motioned with his hand the space between him and Josh, who continued to look away. "I may not know quite exactly what this is, but I am at least aware that it's a whole lot more than some stupid fucking hook-up."
"Maybe to you it is."
Josh hadn't meant it. Not at all. He wanted the words to quickly scramble back into his mouth and away from Drake. But it was out there now.
Drake shook his head. "You don't mean that."
Maybe Josh had (he really hadn't, not even a little). But Drake wouldn't be around to find out the truth.
He had to do something. He had to try to make things right. With trembling fingers, Josh dug his cell phone out of his pocket and dialed.
Straight to voice message.
Josh tapped his toes as he waited for the tone.
"Drake! I, I was just wondering when you were, well, if you were going to call. Mom and Dad are a little frantic. Megan seems unfazed. Almost cheerful and pleasant actually. Anyways, I - " Josh hesitated. "I just wanted to say that I'm really sorry Drake. I - you - you're a chance taker, Drake Parker! A chance taker and a heartbreaker." He sighed and squeezed the tears back in. "And you've got me wrapped around your finger. I'm sorry Drake. Come home soon. I, I lo -"
The tone beeped at Josh, telling him there was no more room for the end of his message.
6. Kettle's On - The Feeling
I'm strong, but I feel like a mouse when you're gone
Yes, and I'm weak,
But I'll take on the world when you're here with me
With me
Can't you see you're in the wrong place,
Will you please face it and come home
When I think about your sweet face
I can't wait for you to come home
I can see you've got a real taste for that champagne
But it's all gone
So come home
The kettle's on
Drake was pretty sure these were the moments he'd been waiting to live his entire life. He wasn't the headlining band - hell, he was one out of three tiny local bands opening - but the feeling and the vibes of performing on stage were enough to give Drake a high for four whole days.
On the fifth day Drake checked his messages and came down hard.
Although he was well on his way to living his dream, so close to releasing his soul, Drake knew he had left something really important behind in San Diego.
His heart.
--
Josh never knew how much of his life involved Drake. It had been ten days since Drake left, four since he had called the home phone (Walter had answered it and had only talked to Drake for three minutes before Drake had to hang up), five since Josh hadn't received a reply in regards to his message.
Summer was Drake's favorite season. Every summer Drake would drag Josh around to all sorts of places, getting Josh to try and do different things ("You need to do less constructed activities and more random fun! Now let's go check out that new coffee house with the mirrors on the ceiling.").
So far, it was half way through the summer and Josh had spent the past ten days sulking in the house.
Maybe Josh had contracted that psychological disease, the one that makes people afraid of leaving their homes. Agoraphobia. Maybe Josh would be stuck inside his house for the rest of his life, too scared to ever step outside ever again.
Maybe Josh didn't have Drake to make his life...complete.
Two days later and Josh realized that he hadn't even left his room, other than to go to the bathroom. The only reason why he'd even noticed was because his food supply was running low.
This was getting bad.
Josh held a lukewarm can of Mocha Cola in his limp hands as he watched "Celebrity Food Fight."
"That's right, Jenny. You smash that cantaloupe into Bradly's too-handsome face. He left you. Left you! Smash the cantaloupe! SMASH THE CANTELOUPE!"
"Am I interrupting?"
Josh's can of Mocha Cola was crushed slightly as Josh flinched and whipped his head in the direction of a well missed voice.
"D-Drake?"
A haggard yet smirking Drake stood inside the room, guitar case still slung across his shoulder.
"I forgot something."
Josh frowned as he turned off the T.V., still unable to fully process the fact that Drake was home, Drake was home, Drake was home.
"What did you forget?"
"My heart."
Josh watched as Drake pulled off his guitar and walked over to Josh. Grabbing the semi-crushed can and setting it onto the counter, Drake took both of Josh's hands into his own.
"I'm sorry, Josh. It was wrong for me to run away from this. I was just - I don't know, I was just scared and unsure and I still am, but I love you too much to stay away from it all. And I really missed you and - "
"Wait." Josh raised an eyebrow. "What did you say?"
"I really missed you?"
"Before that."
"I love you too much to - ?"
Before Drake could finish repeating himself, Josh had launched himself up off the couch and planted his lips onto Drake's.
The kiss was desperate and longing, both boys trying to get as close to each other as possible. Hands ran up and down bodies, unable to stay in one place, unable to stop feeling the body that had been gone and away for so long, too long.
After a gasp for air from Drake, the boys pulled away, arms still clutching the other closely. Josh pressed his forehead against Drake's and whispered, "I love you, too, Drake. I love you, too."
--
There was never such a feeling like this. Drake knew now. This? This was love. He wasn't going to run from it anymore.
7. Let's Make This Moment A Crime - The Format
We just got to take our time
It's like nothing really matters,
So let’s make this moment a crime
I know, I know you’re left behind
On and on and on you wait
And all the days, they fade away
And all the nights,
They’ve never felt the same
If I was wrong then I was wrong
And on and on and on and on
The things we do are never gonna change
It didn't matter that Josh hadn't showered in three days and had stubble growing. It didn't matter that Drake had been drinking coffee like it was water for the past week. Drake relished in the feel of beard burn just as much as Josh enjoyed the taste of Columbian beans on Drake's tongue.
The two boys worked hastily to pry off all tightly worn pants and to untie all knotted robes. Nothing really mattered at this point - nothing but feeling the skin on skin they had been missing for over two weeks now.
As Drake slipped out of his boxers, Josh bent down to bite hard on Drake's right hipbone. Such sexy, hipbones, always protruding out of Drake's jeans and body and Josh just wanted to lick them both. Drake did nothing but moan, louder and longer with each flick of Josh's tongue.
Drake managed to push Josh onto the couch, straddling the disrobed brunette.
"Before we go any further, I just want to make sure we are both on the same page with the whole this thing."
Groaning, Josh closed his eyes. "Dammit, Drake. You pick now to have this conversation?"
Grinning devilishly, Drake bent down to touch his nose to Josh's. "Don't you want to know what I've decided this is?"
With the word "this," Drake thrusted against Josh. Both boys moaned at the direct pressure.
"This - " Drake thrusted again, "- is me - " sighing as Josh's hands gripped his hips, "- telling you - " so tight that there would be bruises, "- that I think -" and this thought made Drake thrust another time, harder, "- we should -"
Josh didn't have the time nor the patience for this shit.
Flipping them over, Josh pressed down all his weight and caught Drake's lips with his own. Stopping the kiss for just a second, Josh growled, "Finish this speech later."
Drake had no other choice but to comply and be swept into a sweet, sweaty haze of pleasure.
--
"I was wrong."
"So was I."
It was almost impossible to discern where one boy ended and the other began. They clung to each other as if one of them was going to disappear if there wasn't as much physical contact as possible.
"I made you wait."
"I didn't have to."
"I love you."
"I love you."
"I'm always going to be a shmuck, though."
"I know. My shmuck."
"I'm still afraid."
"Me too."
"I missed you."
"I missed you."
"I won't leave you like that again."
"Don't ever leave me like that again."
"I love you."
"I love you."
8. Shortly Before The End - Ok Go
How long did we all think this all would last?
Who could have counted days as they flew past?
But before we go, sing us a song.
Sing us a song to hum through the hours of dying.
Who would have thought it'd come as such a show?
A pink and silver day... who was to know?
Even as we go, sing us a song.
Sing us a song, to hum through the hours of dying.
Drake promised Josh that they would "come out of the bedroom," after he finished his tour with the bands. There were two more weeks slated and then they wouldn't be needed anymore. But two weeks of exposure is two weeks of exposure.
"I'll be back before you know it, I swear."
Josh nodded his head, but inside he was shaking.
"Joshie?"
Face instantly lighting up, Josh turned to make eye contact with Drake.
"Please don't lie around this house while I'm gone. Do stuff."
Josh said he would and Drake smiled.
They hugged and kissed and then Drake was gone again.
--
"How long did you think it would last?"
Josh didn't turn away from his pancake batter. "What are you talking about, Megan?"
"About you and Drake's clandestine secret relationship."
The spatula fell to the floor with a clunk. Meeting Megan's eyes fearfully, Josh sputtered, "I - uh, what are you talking about?"
"Oh please, Boob. I saw you two kissing the other day when he left. Besides, I'm not the stupid one. I've known for months. Don't worry, I won't tell."
Megan paused and smirked. "Well, not unless you really boob something up for me. Then I'll just blackmail you."
Josh's breathing was still shaky, even after Megan had left the kitchen.
--
"- and then, when we got to L.A., we played in this really awesome club where they totally loved us. Loved us!"
Audrey and Walter watched as Drake lifted his fork in the air, a look of nostalgia planted on his face.
"It felt like I was walking on air."
Josh sneaked a peek at Drake, chuckling to himself. Too cute, he thought.
Megan snorted into her mashed potatoes. "Was it a gay club?"
Drake and Josh both swiveled their heads in Megan's direction. The younger girl immediately blushed and stammered. "I mean, well, cause they obviously -"
"What?" Audrey's face was contorted with confusion. "What does a gay club have anything to do with Drake's performance?"
Walter laughed. "Maybe Drake made them really happy." Audrey gave Walter a withering glare. "Okay, sorry. Not funny."
Josh caught Drake's attention and gave him the this look. Drake paled and shook his head lightly. Josh nodded in response, nudging Drake's foot with his own. Drake shook his head more emphatically, scowling and pulling his foot away. Josh sighed and bit his lip. Drake raised both his eyebrows and folded his arms.
By this point, Audrey and Walter had picked up on the silent argument that was occurring across the dinner table.
"Boys? Do you have something to say? Because you know that you can use words, right?"
Josh turned to Audrey. "Sorry Mom. Drake and I are just -"
"Mom?" The tone in Drake's voice was uncertain and a little shaky. "Walter? Josh and I have, um, we have something we need to say."
Josh connected eyes with Drake, seeing the fear leaking out of his pupils.
"What is it, Drake?"
"What have you boys done now?"
Drake inhaled heavily and shook his head at Josh. Nodding in understanding, Josh turned to his father. "Drake and I are together."
9. Such Great Heights - The Postal Service
I am thinking it's a sign
That the freckles in our eyes
Are mirror images and
When we kiss they're perfectly aligned
They will see us waving from such great heights
"Come down now," they'll say
But everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now," but we'll stay
Josh turned his key and opened the door to the apartment. Drake's voice called out to him from the bedroom.
"It that you Josh?"
Closing the door and walking the small distance from the entrance to the bedroom, Josh peeked his head in. "Yeah. I'm home."
"And I'm leaving in twenty minutes."
Josh smiled playfully. "Twenty minutes of fun?"
Drake, standing in front of the mirror, finished buttoning his shirt and laughed softly. "I wish. But I can't be late again. I really need this job."
Pouting slightly, Josh came up behind Drake and wrapped his arms around the shorter boy's shoulders. "My cute, adorable boyfriend. Waiter by day, rock star by night."
"You're mistaken. Bookstore stock boy by morning, waiter by day, struggling musician by night."
"As long as you're Drake Parker and you're mine, none of that other stuff matters."
Drake smiled at Josh's reflection. "How was class?"
"Fine. Good. I've got enough homework to make me consider quitting my own job."
Finishing with his buttons, Drake pushed back into the embrace.
"You do that and we get evicted."
"Mmmm hmmm, I know. When did you become the reasonable one and I become the jokester?"
"When Mom and Walter kicked us out."
Josh sighed and released his hold on Drake. "You know they didn't kick us out. We left."
"Because they freaked! Same thing in my book."
Drake turned around to face Josh.
"You know how scared I was to tell them. They reacted exactly the way I feared they would."
Josh nodded and sighed again. "Okay, Drake. I hear you."
Rubbing his head, Drake frowned. "I'm sorry. It's just - we've come so far and we're doing pretty well considering the situation - "
"The one where we've basically drained my college funds? The ones meant for Columbia? And now I'm going to community college?"
Drake sniffled. "I'm sorry, Josh. Really, I am."
"Hey," Josh murmured, pulling Drake to his chest. "Hey. I made the decision. We made this choice together. We're together."
He bent down to kiss Drake and it felt as though a puzzle piece had clicked into place. Drake kissed back, lifting his hands to tangle into Josh's hair.
Drake pulled away, fixing his gaze up to Josh.
"They called."
"Who?"
"Mom and Walter."
Josh gaped for a second. "When?"
"Two days ago. They left a message. I erased it."
"What? Why? What did it say? Why didn't you tell me?"
Drake shrugged. "I don't know. I was afraid."
"Of what?"
Shuffling his feet, Drake looked downward. "Afraid that you'd want to go back."
"What?"
"They said they wanted us to come home. That they were sorry how things turned out and that they miss us and they want us to come home."
Josh stood silent for a moment. Drake looked back up.
"Josh, I'm sorry I didn't tell you, I just - I really like where we're at. I know it's hard work, and I know we're struggling, and I know you gave up your dream, and I know I'm probably being really selfish. But I didn't want to leave."
Drake tried stepped back from Josh's hold, but Josh tightened his grip.
"Drake."
"I mean, if you wanna go back, alright. We can go. You probably miss Walter and Mom and Helen and Crazy Steve and Craig and Eric and possibly even Megan. Maybe you can still get into Columbia and - "
"Drake. You're right." Drake's face crumpled, but Josh continued. "I do miss a lot of people. Dad and Mom and even Crazy Steve. And maybe Megan, a little." Drake nodded knowingly, but Josh shook his head. "Regardless. We're not going back. Everything looks perfect from where I'm standing."
Eyes widening, Drake inhaled sharply. "Really? You mean it?"
Josh smiled and Drake laughed and they hugged and they kissed and Drake was late for work but everything would be okay. Everything would be alright.
10. Don't Let Me Down - No Doubt
Time after time
It's just too much to take
I've waited so long
Just to get to this place
And finally it feels like
The lost was found
You got me filled up now
Don't let me down
So don't blow it
No not a little bit
Cause now you're all mine
Don't you forget it
Don't blow it
Even a little bit
Cause now you're all mine
Don't you forget it
It was like two men lost in the desert had found an oasis. Audrey and Walter were the two men and Drake and Josh were the oasis.
"Oh boys!"
"Our sons, home!"
"We missed you so much!"
After all the hugging and all the cheek pinching and all the suggestions to come over here, eat some of this, try on these newly bought I-really-hope-you-haven't-changed-sizes-too-much-these-past-few-months clothes.
Once Drake and Josh had finally managed to shake off their parents and drag their duffle bags up to their room, both boys were out of breath and panting. One look at each other and they burst into laughter.
"Are you glad we decided to visit?"
"I'm glad we decided to not come back permanently. Imagine what they would be like if we had."
Josh chuckled and threw himself onto his old bed. Drake followed, resting his head against Josh's stretched out arm.
"It does feel good, though. To be back."
"So many good times in this room."
Drake smirked. "Yeah. Good times."
"And bad."
Rolling his eyes, Drake poked Josh in the stomach. "Yeah, yeah. Some weren't so good."
"But I've waited so long for this that they don't matter anymore."
"Waited for what?"
"To get to this place."
"Our room?"
Josh sighed. "No. This place of our relationships. No secrets. No lies. Just us. Together."
"Yeah. It's pretty nice."
"Just don't let me down."
"I won't, brotha. Not ever again."
Josh grabbed Drake and pulled him flush to his chest. The two boys laid side by side facing each other. Drake grinned and Josh smiled and they both stayed there until Audrey yelled them down for dinner.
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