fic: Making a Present Out Of a Hunch
Title: Making a Present Out Of a Hunch
Author: stttmsbwa
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Drake's out to find "the Ultimate and Spectacularly Wonderfullest Surprise Birthday Present Of All Time."
A/N: My MERRY CHRISTMAS fic for jannika. Okay, Steph! I did my best to appeal to you. And, well, somehow this turned into complete and utter crack. So be prepared to laugh your face off. Also, be warned, I've been on a serious Newsies kick lately, and it's kind of affected my brain.
Drake Parker was trying, yes, really trying. This year was going to be perfect. No, better than perfect. This year was going to be spectacular.
This year, Drake was going to give Josh the perfect birthday present. Better than Oprah tickets and better than Vespa scooters and better than pairs of edible underwear (because, most likely, Drake enjoyed that last one a little more than Josh did).
No, this year Drake was going to get it right.
Besides, he was already off to a great start (at least he remembered this year, right?). Now all he had to do was figure out just what would make Josh the happiest.
Drake figured he’d start by going through Josh’s things. Because that’s how you figure out what people like, right? By going through their things, right?
So Drake began with underneath Josh’s bed, because Drake knew that if he had room under his bed, he’d hide all sorts of great things that would inspire awesome gift ideas. Or, well, at least Drake decided at that moment that he would if he could.
Getting down on his knees and bending his torso so he could reach underneath the mattress of Josh’s bed, Drake pushed aside a pile of dust bunnies and a marker-covered cardboard box and felt around for something that could give him some insight on just what Josh would thoroughly enjoy getting for his birthday. He coughed and sneezed through dust the whole way, fingers reaching and probing and hoping to find whatever it is that they would find, the whole time Drake’s body wiggling and squishing further into the dark cavern that is underneath Josh’s bed.
Wait, wait - Drake felt something! His fingertips trembled with excitement as they curled around the soft and tender fabric of the something that Drake could use to help construct The Ultimate Josh Nichols Birthday Present.
“Ah HA!” Drake cried as he yanked and pulled the something closer so he could see better in the dark the familiar pattern of what turned out to be Josh’s comforter.
Hmm. Drake scowled and released his hold on the not-something. As he attempted to wriggle his way out backwards, his shirt rode up and his hair collected an entire army of dust. Once he’d managed to get his hips and waist out, he pushed his rear upward in preparation to dig up his torso and head.
“Um, what are you doing?”
Drake paused at the sound of Josh’s voice. How perfect; he was caught red-handed (or, really, red-reared) underneath Josh’s bed, which is obviously the best place to go when you’re searching for the very most important things in life (porn, chocolate, condoms, guitar picks) - which obviously included somethings that would tell people just what the person-in-question would truly enjoy to receive for their birthday.
So Drake did what any other person would do in such a situation.
“Nothing.”
Drake could just see the raised eyebrows and the crossed arms and the sexy-as-hell smirk. It made him flounder and lie even more.
“I mean, of course, nothing. It’s not like I’m under your bed because I’m trying to find something. I just, you know, enjoy spending my afternoons half-under beds and inhaling dust and dirt and, seriously, Josh? You should really clean under here. I thought you had that disorder that makes you wanna clean everything all the time. And, honestly? It’s disgusting under here. You should - “
“What I should do is take advantage of this position you’ve got yourself in.”
Oh, yes. Drake loved it when Josh got that tone in his voice. The tone that meant Drake Parker, I’m Going To Have You Naked And On Your Back And Moaning And You’re Going To Love Every Second. Grinning to himself (because, obviously, it’s not as if Josh could see him grinning when he wasn’t under the bed, too), Drake wiggled his red-rear in the air and sighed.
“Take all the advantages you want, Josh. These dust bunnies turn me on almost as much as you in that edible underwear set I bought you two years ago.”
It took Josh three seconds to sufficiently pull Drake out by his belt loops, turn him over and yank off his already-half-off shirt. The pants took a few extra seconds (silly skin tight denim), but Drake always managed to make up for it by not wearing anything underneath.
Josh loved it, and Drake knew it.
Now, Drake thought in between a moan and a curse, if only he could figure out what else Josh loved.
Because at the rate they were going, sex wouldn’t be a very good Surprise and Happy Birthday Present Of Original and Epic Proportions.
--
The next day, Drake snuck out of bed early - which, he guesses now looking back, wasn’t so terribly early due to the fact that it was 11 in the afternoon and Josh wasn’t even in the house by that point in the day, because as Josh liked to put it, “Some people work around here,” even though Drake liked to think that he was working every day; being a professional Drake Parker wasn’t as easy as he most likely made it look. He had things to do, people to see, and a Super Special Awesome Ultra Cool Present of Original and Epic Proportions (title was an on-going work-in-progress) to figure out.
Since rummaging through Josh’s stuff wasn’t working, Drake figured he’d try talking to some of the people that would know Josh in a different way than he did. Because, it’s like that one guy said that one time he spoke: “You can know a person by knowing the dorky people they hang out with.”
Or maybe Drake just made that up himself. If so, he thought as he walked up to the front door of a not-so-familiar house, he should really get it published so he could become “that one guy.”
Knocking on the glass, Drake tried to think of other Super Wise and Smartly Things To Say In Times Of Need (like, “A day is best started with a good morning blow job” and “Thou who plays the guitar gets all the babes.”). He was on a roll (“The best place to get laid is where your boyfriend gets paid.”) when the door opened and a dork greeted him.
“Drake?”
“Craig! Nice to see you!”
“It’s Eric.”
“Whatever. Can I come in?”
Drake stepped gingerly into the entrance of Craeric’s home (They were basically the same person anyway, so Drake didn’t see any wrong in just, you know, smushing their names together when he thought about them. It’s not like he’d ever actually call either of them that. Come on, he’s not that insensitive.).
“This is a lovely home you’ve got, Craeric. The colors are just so bright and …colorful!”
Craeric stared at Drake with his mouth agape.
“Did you just call me Craeric?”
Drake ignored Craeric The Dork and got down to business.
“So you know Josh, right? Well, I was wondering what you know about him that I wouldn’t. You know, stuff that could potentially help out a person who might be searching for the Ultimate and Bestest Birthday Present Ever For the Man They Love. Because the only thing that I can come up with involves chocolate syrup and handcuffs and the hallway closet, but come to think of it we just did that last week. So what do you say? Will you help me?”
Craeric blinked a few times before shaking his head a little and pursing his lips. “I’m going to ignore the fact that you’ve revealed some extremely private and intimate information about your love life with Josh and try to forget that you’re a complete and total jerk who can’t even remember my name, if only because you’re Josh’s brother and boyfriend and I can see that you’re actually trying to do right by him by getting him the best present you can, especially seeing as you’re desperate enough to come to me for help.”
Drake rolled his eyes and held up one finger. “You lost me at ‘private and intimate.’ Let’s cut the nerdy dorky pink and frilly best friends forever nonsense and get down to the sweet and juicy center. Give me three not-widely-known-facts about Josh Nichols.”
Agape again, Craeric stuttered before Drake shoved his finger closer to his pimply face. “Now! Let’s go!”
“Umm, Josh loves Galaxy Wars - “
“Duh, knew that.”
“ - and he enjoys Yudonian folk music - “
“Lame with a capital lame.”
“ - and his favorite guilty pleasure is watching DCOM musicals at my house where him, Craig and I reenact the musical numbers by singing and dancing along in front of the TV!”
Drake’s eyes bulged a little. And then his eye brows raised. And then his body began to shake. And then came the laughter. Heavy and thick and unstoppable.
“It’s not funny!” Craeric’s face was flushed and turning all blotchy. Just the sight of The Dork getting all flustered and upset made Drake’s laughs even bigger and louder.
It didn’t come as any surprise when Craeric abruptly yanked his front door open and shoved Drake out of his house.
--
Drake was going to have to be sneaky. Like a ninja.
Peeking his head around the corner, Drake surveyed the lobby of the Premiere to check his Josh-Status. Usually Drake was all for an Orange on his Josh-Status (Josh within talking distance), even more so for a Red (Josh within groping distance). But for today, Drake was aiming for a Yellow (Josh within sexy staring distance) and even possibly a Blue (Josh within out-of-the-corner-of-the-eye slash not-there-very-much-at-all distance).
Drake had matters to take care of that required Josh to not be around. Matters that could require the potential assistance of one slightly helpful yet utterly insane mutual acquaintance.
A mutual acquaintance that had this awful tendency of enthusiastically greeting people he’s really excited to see.
“D!! MAN! WHERE’VE YOU BEEN?!”
Drake flinched and quickly swiveled his head left and right, making sure that his Josh-Status was still in a Blue. Confirming the lack of Josh, Drake smiled and waved as he made his way to the candy counter. Steve was practically hopping by the time Drake reached the edge of the counter, lifting his hand up for a high five.
“Hey, Steve. How’s it going?”
Nodding a little violently, Steve grinned widely and scratched the back of his head. “Oh, you know. The regular. Sometimes things are fine and dandy - “ a middle aged man approached the counter, holding up what seemed to be an empty cup (“Excuse me, could I have a refill?”) “ - and sometimes things REALLY PISS ME OFF!”
Drake watched in horror as the poor man scurried away, realizing that a refill was not worth having his right ear ripped off by a crazy man’s teeth and fingernails.
“Okay then.” Drake turned back to Steve and tried his best to match the taller man’s exuberant expression. “So, Steve, I was wondering if you could help me with something. You see, Josh’s birthday is coming up and I’m not really sure what to - “
“OOO! I KNOW! I KNOW!” Steve thrusted his arm into the air and jiggled it around. “PICK ME, DRAKE! PICK ME!”
Raising an eyebrow and taking a tiny step back, Drake shrugged his shoulders. “Okay. I pick you?”
“Alright! Sweet melons! Okay, so what you’ve gotta do is go to your local hardware store and see if you can find a Swissmithston 3400. Preferably one with a reversible head and adjustable accessories. This Momma can do it all! I’m talking electric powered staples and nails and screws and darts and toenail clippings and - “
“Steve! I’m not getting Josh a power tool for his birthday!”
Drake felt his stomach drop to the floor after the words left his mouth, because, sure enough, Steve’s left eye began to twitch and it would be only a matter of seconds before the right eye would start too - and that’s when things would get ugly.
“But! But, Steve, what I need from you is so much more than such a brilliant gift idea! What I need is for you to just answer some questions about Josh so I can brainstorm the Ultimate Gift Idea. Okay? Steve, can you do that for me?”
With welling eyes, Steve choked back a sob and nodded. “Of course! Anything for you, man.”
Drake sighed with relief and stepped a little closer to the counter. “Okay, what I need for you to do is tell me some stuff about Josh. You know, stuff that only you as his coworker and friend can notice. Stuff that could help reveal some sort of deep and amazing secret about Josh that would lead to me discovering the Ultimate and Spectacularly Wonderfullest Surprise Birthday Present Of All Time For Josh Nichols.”
Steve nodded once, a look of deep concentration causing his brow to furrow and his lips to puff out in a pout.
“I know! Josh really likes Galaxy Wars - “
“I know that one already!”
“ - and to hum Yudonian folk music while wiping down the butter machine - “
“So incredibly lame!”
“ - and he gets really excited when those cheesy Disney musical movies are brought up in conversation. He almost had a heart attack when that one super mega cheesy one came out. High School Musical 3. He couldn’t stop staring at all the cardboard cutouts we had up around the theatre. Once you get him started, that kid can’t stop going on and on and on about the characters and the songs and the dance numbers. It’s almost a little disturbing, in a kind of terribly adorable and sweet way.”
This time Drake wasn’t laughing. In fact, he was seriously thinking. There was some sort of connection here, he just knew it. And not just that his boyfriend was a seriously flaming and sparkling queertastic homosexual who apparently gets his girly kicks from silly movies filled with dancing and singing.
“Steve. Maybe I - “ Drake paused to give an extra think to his thought. “ - maybe I could have that hot dog. That one. No, wait, yes! That one right there! And some mustard on it, too. Thanks, Steve. You’re the best.”
“Drake! What are you doing here?”
Caught red-handed again (this time quite literally, his fingers in mid-hotdog-reception), Drake smiled his best Aren’t I Sexy And Wonderful and Loveable and Totally Fuckable As I Stand Here About To Chow Down On This Delicious Hotdog That Could Easily Be A Euphemism For Something Else I’d Like To Stick In My Mouth? Josh simply rolled his eyes.
“Hey, babe. How’s work going?”
“Swimmingly. What do you need?”
“Other than this hotdog, just you.”
“For what?”
Drake jumped over the counter and bumped his right hip into Josh’s left side. “You know, I was thinking earlier today - “
“Oh really? How did that go?”
“ - and I’ve come up with a few of those Super Wise and Smartly Things To Say In Times Of Need. Wanna hear my favorite so far?”
Lips lingering close to the shell of Josh’s ear, Drake whispered, “The best place to get laid is where your boyfriend gets paid.”
Pulling away to evaluate Josh’s reaction, Drake bit into his hotdog and grinned. Josh’s face was flushed and his nose was doing that adorable I’m Terribly Turned On Right Now And Am ThisClose To Shoving You Up Against The Closest Surface And Having My Wicked Way With You look.
“Steve, I’m going to go clean the employee lounge. C’mon, Drake. You can help.”
--
As Drake walked up to his next destination, he exhaled heavily and tried to figure out if he had accomplished anything so far. Hovering his balled up fist to the door before him, Drake asked himself if he really wanted to go through with this.
He didn’t even have a chance to knock.
“What do you want, slimeball?”
Drake whipped around to find his mortal enemy standing in her driveway, arms crossed with one hip jutted out. And that look, that look of complete and total detestation.
“Know-it-all.”
“Worthless ingrate.”
“Snooty priss.”
“Slutty manwhore.”
“Stick-up-the-ass prude.”
“What do you want, Parker?”
Drake gritted his teeth and slowly walked towards Mindy.
“Your help.”
Mindy’s eyes popped open a bit before her lips curled up into a knowing smile. “You need help with Josh’s birthday present, don’t you?”
Drake rolled his eyes and nodded. Mindy laughed. “This is too good, I swear.”
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Look, just tell me a few things about Josh that you think could help me figure out what to get him.”
“Yes, yes. Anything but more edible underwear. He wasn’t too pleased with those.”
Trying his best not to flush (of course, she would be the one that Josh tells everything to), Drake scowled. “Well then, go on! Tell me stuff.”
Mindy shook her head in amusement. “Alright. Fine. But only because Josh is one of my best friends, and he deserves the best. Okay. What to tell you about Josh, your boyfriend and lover, the man that you should know all about already.”
“Shut up and tell me!”
“Okay, sorry. Let’s see. Josh Nichols. Galaxy Wars nerd - “
“I KNOW, I KNOW!”
“ - with a love for Yudonian folk music - “
“YES, YES! SO LAME!”
“ - who is secretly a hardcore Disney musical fanboy.”
Fingers rushing to his gorgeous auburn locks, Drake pulled and yanked and groaned. Mindy, not wanting to give into the temptation of allowing her own fingers to join Drake’s in their hair-pulling fun, simply walked to her front door and left Drake alone in his angry insanity.
--
Storming back to the house, Drake slammed all the doors he could find, stomped on every stair and kicked every object within a two foot radius of his feet.
“Why - “ kick “ - is it so hard - “ kick “ - to figure out - “ kick “ - what to get?!”
With an extra oomph, Drake managed to rocket his shoe off his right foot and send it flying underneath Josh’s bed. Growling lowly, Drake bent down to retrieve his shoe, first pulling out that blasted cardboard box that his shoe had slid behind and -
Waitaminute.
Cardboard box. Labeled with marker.
Fandom Stuff
Could this - was this - would this be the stuff that Drake had been searching and asking and hoping for?
Peeling open the folds, Drake gazed in a combination of horror and delight at the box’s contents.
DVDs. CDs. Posters. Pictures. Printouts. Drawings. Stuff about musicals called High School Musical and Camp Rock and Newsies.
Drake peered at the clock, counting how many more days till Josh’s birthday.
He had ten days to delve into the Disney musical world.
--
This was it. Drake had done all he could. Today was the day. The day that Josh would get his Super Fantastical Ultra Mega Power Surprise Birthday Present of Ultimate Epic Win.
“Can I come in yet?”
Drake checked himself over in the mirror before he replied. “Yes.”
Josh entered the room and gasped because, well, honestly? How would you respond if you walked into your room to find it redecorated to vaguely look like a restaurant from the late 1890’s? And with your boyfriend sitting on a mock table dressed up in baggy pants, suspenders, a plaid vest and a to-the-side Newsboy hat?
“Drake?! What, what is all this?”
Drake held up one finger, using his left hand to lift the remote to the stereo and hit play.
”A pair of new shoes with matching laces, a permanent box at Sheepshed Races, a porcelain tub with boiling water, a Saturday night with the mayor’s daughter - “
Drake hopped up onto the table and lifted his hands up into the air, singing, “Look at me! I’m the king of New York! Suddenly I’m respectable, staring right atcha, lousy with stature - “
With some quick dance moves that Drake couldn’t name, but could easily remember after watching the scene forty nine times, he jumped and skipped and danced his way through the number. Josh continued to watch in absolute shock.
”Nubbin’ with all the muckety-mucks, I’m blowin’ my dough and goin’ deluxe - “
Landing his last jump before Josh’s feet, Drake bent down on both knees and belted, “And there I'll be, ain’t I pretty? It’s my city. I’m the king of New York!”
The song continued, but Josh and Drake didn’t pay any mind.
“You! You!”
“I? I?”
“But! This is - and you!”
“Happy Birthday?”
Josh’s squeal got caught in his throat before he bent down to lift Drake up into a whirlwind of a hug. “That was amazing! I loved it!”
“That’s not all. I got you a matching outfit, too.”
Josh almost dropped Drake. “Where?! WHERE?!”
“Over on your bed. These vests and suspenders are actually really cool. And I’m totally digging this hat.”
Immediately stripping all his clothes off, Josh slipped into his own Newsies-themed costume. Beaming at his reflection, he jumped and waved his hands about in a girlish manner.
“Oh, Drake! I love it! I love it! This is the best present, ever!”
Drake shrugged and grinned. “Well, what can I say? It’s not always easy being Drake Parker, but I like to think that I do my very best.”
“Hell yes, you do! How did you know? I mean, how did you think all of this up?”
Drake crossed his arms and sighed. “It’s not as though I didn’t know that you’re this super huge Disney musical fanboy - “
“Really? Because I thought I hid all that stuff from you pretty well.”
Frowning a little, Drake continued. “Anyway, I investigated and nitpicked and figured out all I could until I decided which one I would try to recreate.”
Josh grinned and looped his fingers around his brand-new suspenders. “What made you pick Newsies?”
“Honestly? Christian Bale.”
Josh burst into laughter.
“That and the really awesome fanfiction I found on those two guys, Racetrack and Spot. I kind of got hooked.”
Josh’s eyes widened and his laughter grew uncontrollable. “You! Read! Fanfiction?!”
“Of course! Why not? I mean, I never knew people went off and wrote all these stories about movie characters and stuff. But some of it was really good and I - “
Drake was cut off by the sudden appearance of Josh’s lips covering his own. A few seconds of tongue sweeping mouth and teeth nibbling skin, Josh pulled away and smiled down at a breathless Drake.
“You’re the best, Parker.”
“If you want, you’re more than welcome to calling me Spot. I mean, that is if you want me to be Spot. I kind of figured you as more of a Racetrack. Unless you wanna go for the whole Blink and Mush route, or even the Jack and David -“
Josh’s laughter burst out again. Drake couldn’t help but join in.
He had done it. He had found the best Birthday present ever.
And what’s even better? He was already planning Josh’s next Christmas present (which included a baseball uniform, a complete white outfit with matching fedora, and a song that started with ”Hey, batter, batter, hey batter, batter swing.”).
Author: stttmsbwa
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Drake's out to find "the Ultimate and Spectacularly Wonderfullest Surprise Birthday Present Of All Time."
A/N: My MERRY CHRISTMAS fic for jannika. Okay, Steph! I did my best to appeal to you. And, well, somehow this turned into complete and utter crack. So be prepared to laugh your face off. Also, be warned, I've been on a serious Newsies kick lately, and it's kind of affected my brain.
Drake Parker was trying, yes, really trying. This year was going to be perfect. No, better than perfect. This year was going to be spectacular.
This year, Drake was going to give Josh the perfect birthday present. Better than Oprah tickets and better than Vespa scooters and better than pairs of edible underwear (because, most likely, Drake enjoyed that last one a little more than Josh did).
No, this year Drake was going to get it right.
Besides, he was already off to a great start (at least he remembered this year, right?). Now all he had to do was figure out just what would make Josh the happiest.
Drake figured he’d start by going through Josh’s things. Because that’s how you figure out what people like, right? By going through their things, right?
So Drake began with underneath Josh’s bed, because Drake knew that if he had room under his bed, he’d hide all sorts of great things that would inspire awesome gift ideas. Or, well, at least Drake decided at that moment that he would if he could.
Getting down on his knees and bending his torso so he could reach underneath the mattress of Josh’s bed, Drake pushed aside a pile of dust bunnies and a marker-covered cardboard box and felt around for something that could give him some insight on just what Josh would thoroughly enjoy getting for his birthday. He coughed and sneezed through dust the whole way, fingers reaching and probing and hoping to find whatever it is that they would find, the whole time Drake’s body wiggling and squishing further into the dark cavern that is underneath Josh’s bed.
Wait, wait - Drake felt something! His fingertips trembled with excitement as they curled around the soft and tender fabric of the something that Drake could use to help construct The Ultimate Josh Nichols Birthday Present.
“Ah HA!” Drake cried as he yanked and pulled the something closer so he could see better in the dark the familiar pattern of what turned out to be Josh’s comforter.
Hmm. Drake scowled and released his hold on the not-something. As he attempted to wriggle his way out backwards, his shirt rode up and his hair collected an entire army of dust. Once he’d managed to get his hips and waist out, he pushed his rear upward in preparation to dig up his torso and head.
“Um, what are you doing?”
Drake paused at the sound of Josh’s voice. How perfect; he was caught red-handed (or, really, red-reared) underneath Josh’s bed, which is obviously the best place to go when you’re searching for the very most important things in life (porn, chocolate, condoms, guitar picks) - which obviously included somethings that would tell people just what the person-in-question would truly enjoy to receive for their birthday.
So Drake did what any other person would do in such a situation.
“Nothing.”
Drake could just see the raised eyebrows and the crossed arms and the sexy-as-hell smirk. It made him flounder and lie even more.
“I mean, of course, nothing. It’s not like I’m under your bed because I’m trying to find something. I just, you know, enjoy spending my afternoons half-under beds and inhaling dust and dirt and, seriously, Josh? You should really clean under here. I thought you had that disorder that makes you wanna clean everything all the time. And, honestly? It’s disgusting under here. You should - “
“What I should do is take advantage of this position you’ve got yourself in.”
Oh, yes. Drake loved it when Josh got that tone in his voice. The tone that meant Drake Parker, I’m Going To Have You Naked And On Your Back And Moaning And You’re Going To Love Every Second. Grinning to himself (because, obviously, it’s not as if Josh could see him grinning when he wasn’t under the bed, too), Drake wiggled his red-rear in the air and sighed.
“Take all the advantages you want, Josh. These dust bunnies turn me on almost as much as you in that edible underwear set I bought you two years ago.”
It took Josh three seconds to sufficiently pull Drake out by his belt loops, turn him over and yank off his already-half-off shirt. The pants took a few extra seconds (silly skin tight denim), but Drake always managed to make up for it by not wearing anything underneath.
Josh loved it, and Drake knew it.
Now, Drake thought in between a moan and a curse, if only he could figure out what else Josh loved.
Because at the rate they were going, sex wouldn’t be a very good Surprise and Happy Birthday Present Of Original and Epic Proportions.
--
The next day, Drake snuck out of bed early - which, he guesses now looking back, wasn’t so terribly early due to the fact that it was 11 in the afternoon and Josh wasn’t even in the house by that point in the day, because as Josh liked to put it, “Some people work around here,” even though Drake liked to think that he was working every day; being a professional Drake Parker wasn’t as easy as he most likely made it look. He had things to do, people to see, and a Super Special Awesome Ultra Cool Present of Original and Epic Proportions (title was an on-going work-in-progress) to figure out.
Since rummaging through Josh’s stuff wasn’t working, Drake figured he’d try talking to some of the people that would know Josh in a different way than he did. Because, it’s like that one guy said that one time he spoke: “You can know a person by knowing the dorky people they hang out with.”
Or maybe Drake just made that up himself. If so, he thought as he walked up to the front door of a not-so-familiar house, he should really get it published so he could become “that one guy.”
Knocking on the glass, Drake tried to think of other Super Wise and Smartly Things To Say In Times Of Need (like, “A day is best started with a good morning blow job” and “Thou who plays the guitar gets all the babes.”). He was on a roll (“The best place to get laid is where your boyfriend gets paid.”) when the door opened and a dork greeted him.
“Drake?”
“Craig! Nice to see you!”
“It’s Eric.”
“Whatever. Can I come in?”
Drake stepped gingerly into the entrance of Craeric’s home (They were basically the same person anyway, so Drake didn’t see any wrong in just, you know, smushing their names together when he thought about them. It’s not like he’d ever actually call either of them that. Come on, he’s not that insensitive.).
“This is a lovely home you’ve got, Craeric. The colors are just so bright and …colorful!”
Craeric stared at Drake with his mouth agape.
“Did you just call me Craeric?”
Drake ignored Craeric The Dork and got down to business.
“So you know Josh, right? Well, I was wondering what you know about him that I wouldn’t. You know, stuff that could potentially help out a person who might be searching for the Ultimate and Bestest Birthday Present Ever For the Man They Love. Because the only thing that I can come up with involves chocolate syrup and handcuffs and the hallway closet, but come to think of it we just did that last week. So what do you say? Will you help me?”
Craeric blinked a few times before shaking his head a little and pursing his lips. “I’m going to ignore the fact that you’ve revealed some extremely private and intimate information about your love life with Josh and try to forget that you’re a complete and total jerk who can’t even remember my name, if only because you’re Josh’s brother and boyfriend and I can see that you’re actually trying to do right by him by getting him the best present you can, especially seeing as you’re desperate enough to come to me for help.”
Drake rolled his eyes and held up one finger. “You lost me at ‘private and intimate.’ Let’s cut the nerdy dorky pink and frilly best friends forever nonsense and get down to the sweet and juicy center. Give me three not-widely-known-facts about Josh Nichols.”
Agape again, Craeric stuttered before Drake shoved his finger closer to his pimply face. “Now! Let’s go!”
“Umm, Josh loves Galaxy Wars - “
“Duh, knew that.”
“ - and he enjoys Yudonian folk music - “
“Lame with a capital lame.”
“ - and his favorite guilty pleasure is watching DCOM musicals at my house where him, Craig and I reenact the musical numbers by singing and dancing along in front of the TV!”
Drake’s eyes bulged a little. And then his eye brows raised. And then his body began to shake. And then came the laughter. Heavy and thick and unstoppable.
“It’s not funny!” Craeric’s face was flushed and turning all blotchy. Just the sight of The Dork getting all flustered and upset made Drake’s laughs even bigger and louder.
It didn’t come as any surprise when Craeric abruptly yanked his front door open and shoved Drake out of his house.
--
Drake was going to have to be sneaky. Like a ninja.
Peeking his head around the corner, Drake surveyed the lobby of the Premiere to check his Josh-Status. Usually Drake was all for an Orange on his Josh-Status (Josh within talking distance), even more so for a Red (Josh within groping distance). But for today, Drake was aiming for a Yellow (Josh within sexy staring distance) and even possibly a Blue (Josh within out-of-the-corner-of-the-eye slash not-there-very-much-at-all distance).
Drake had matters to take care of that required Josh to not be around. Matters that could require the potential assistance of one slightly helpful yet utterly insane mutual acquaintance.
A mutual acquaintance that had this awful tendency of enthusiastically greeting people he’s really excited to see.
“D!! MAN! WHERE’VE YOU BEEN?!”
Drake flinched and quickly swiveled his head left and right, making sure that his Josh-Status was still in a Blue. Confirming the lack of Josh, Drake smiled and waved as he made his way to the candy counter. Steve was practically hopping by the time Drake reached the edge of the counter, lifting his hand up for a high five.
“Hey, Steve. How’s it going?”
Nodding a little violently, Steve grinned widely and scratched the back of his head. “Oh, you know. The regular. Sometimes things are fine and dandy - “ a middle aged man approached the counter, holding up what seemed to be an empty cup (“Excuse me, could I have a refill?”) “ - and sometimes things REALLY PISS ME OFF!”
Drake watched in horror as the poor man scurried away, realizing that a refill was not worth having his right ear ripped off by a crazy man’s teeth and fingernails.
“Okay then.” Drake turned back to Steve and tried his best to match the taller man’s exuberant expression. “So, Steve, I was wondering if you could help me with something. You see, Josh’s birthday is coming up and I’m not really sure what to - “
“OOO! I KNOW! I KNOW!” Steve thrusted his arm into the air and jiggled it around. “PICK ME, DRAKE! PICK ME!”
Raising an eyebrow and taking a tiny step back, Drake shrugged his shoulders. “Okay. I pick you?”
“Alright! Sweet melons! Okay, so what you’ve gotta do is go to your local hardware store and see if you can find a Swissmithston 3400. Preferably one with a reversible head and adjustable accessories. This Momma can do it all! I’m talking electric powered staples and nails and screws and darts and toenail clippings and - “
“Steve! I’m not getting Josh a power tool for his birthday!”
Drake felt his stomach drop to the floor after the words left his mouth, because, sure enough, Steve’s left eye began to twitch and it would be only a matter of seconds before the right eye would start too - and that’s when things would get ugly.
“But! But, Steve, what I need from you is so much more than such a brilliant gift idea! What I need is for you to just answer some questions about Josh so I can brainstorm the Ultimate Gift Idea. Okay? Steve, can you do that for me?”
With welling eyes, Steve choked back a sob and nodded. “Of course! Anything for you, man.”
Drake sighed with relief and stepped a little closer to the counter. “Okay, what I need for you to do is tell me some stuff about Josh. You know, stuff that only you as his coworker and friend can notice. Stuff that could help reveal some sort of deep and amazing secret about Josh that would lead to me discovering the Ultimate and Spectacularly Wonderfullest Surprise Birthday Present Of All Time For Josh Nichols.”
Steve nodded once, a look of deep concentration causing his brow to furrow and his lips to puff out in a pout.
“I know! Josh really likes Galaxy Wars - “
“I know that one already!”
“ - and to hum Yudonian folk music while wiping down the butter machine - “
“So incredibly lame!”
“ - and he gets really excited when those cheesy Disney musical movies are brought up in conversation. He almost had a heart attack when that one super mega cheesy one came out. High School Musical 3. He couldn’t stop staring at all the cardboard cutouts we had up around the theatre. Once you get him started, that kid can’t stop going on and on and on about the characters and the songs and the dance numbers. It’s almost a little disturbing, in a kind of terribly adorable and sweet way.”
This time Drake wasn’t laughing. In fact, he was seriously thinking. There was some sort of connection here, he just knew it. And not just that his boyfriend was a seriously flaming and sparkling queertastic homosexual who apparently gets his girly kicks from silly movies filled with dancing and singing.
“Steve. Maybe I - “ Drake paused to give an extra think to his thought. “ - maybe I could have that hot dog. That one. No, wait, yes! That one right there! And some mustard on it, too. Thanks, Steve. You’re the best.”
“Drake! What are you doing here?”
Caught red-handed again (this time quite literally, his fingers in mid-hotdog-reception), Drake smiled his best Aren’t I Sexy And Wonderful and Loveable and Totally Fuckable As I Stand Here About To Chow Down On This Delicious Hotdog That Could Easily Be A Euphemism For Something Else I’d Like To Stick In My Mouth? Josh simply rolled his eyes.
“Hey, babe. How’s work going?”
“Swimmingly. What do you need?”
“Other than this hotdog, just you.”
“For what?”
Drake jumped over the counter and bumped his right hip into Josh’s left side. “You know, I was thinking earlier today - “
“Oh really? How did that go?”
“ - and I’ve come up with a few of those Super Wise and Smartly Things To Say In Times Of Need. Wanna hear my favorite so far?”
Lips lingering close to the shell of Josh’s ear, Drake whispered, “The best place to get laid is where your boyfriend gets paid.”
Pulling away to evaluate Josh’s reaction, Drake bit into his hotdog and grinned. Josh’s face was flushed and his nose was doing that adorable I’m Terribly Turned On Right Now And Am ThisClose To Shoving You Up Against The Closest Surface And Having My Wicked Way With You look.
“Steve, I’m going to go clean the employee lounge. C’mon, Drake. You can help.”
--
As Drake walked up to his next destination, he exhaled heavily and tried to figure out if he had accomplished anything so far. Hovering his balled up fist to the door before him, Drake asked himself if he really wanted to go through with this.
He didn’t even have a chance to knock.
“What do you want, slimeball?”
Drake whipped around to find his mortal enemy standing in her driveway, arms crossed with one hip jutted out. And that look, that look of complete and total detestation.
“Know-it-all.”
“Worthless ingrate.”
“Snooty priss.”
“Slutty manwhore.”
“Stick-up-the-ass prude.”
“What do you want, Parker?”
Drake gritted his teeth and slowly walked towards Mindy.
“Your help.”
Mindy’s eyes popped open a bit before her lips curled up into a knowing smile. “You need help with Josh’s birthday present, don’t you?”
Drake rolled his eyes and nodded. Mindy laughed. “This is too good, I swear.”
“Yeah, yeah. Whatever. Look, just tell me a few things about Josh that you think could help me figure out what to get him.”
“Yes, yes. Anything but more edible underwear. He wasn’t too pleased with those.”
Trying his best not to flush (of course, she would be the one that Josh tells everything to), Drake scowled. “Well then, go on! Tell me stuff.”
Mindy shook her head in amusement. “Alright. Fine. But only because Josh is one of my best friends, and he deserves the best. Okay. What to tell you about Josh, your boyfriend and lover, the man that you should know all about already.”
“Shut up and tell me!”
“Okay, sorry. Let’s see. Josh Nichols. Galaxy Wars nerd - “
“I KNOW, I KNOW!”
“ - with a love for Yudonian folk music - “
“YES, YES! SO LAME!”
“ - who is secretly a hardcore Disney musical fanboy.”
Fingers rushing to his gorgeous auburn locks, Drake pulled and yanked and groaned. Mindy, not wanting to give into the temptation of allowing her own fingers to join Drake’s in their hair-pulling fun, simply walked to her front door and left Drake alone in his angry insanity.
--
Storming back to the house, Drake slammed all the doors he could find, stomped on every stair and kicked every object within a two foot radius of his feet.
“Why - “ kick “ - is it so hard - “ kick “ - to figure out - “ kick “ - what to get?!”
With an extra oomph, Drake managed to rocket his shoe off his right foot and send it flying underneath Josh’s bed. Growling lowly, Drake bent down to retrieve his shoe, first pulling out that blasted cardboard box that his shoe had slid behind and -
Waitaminute.
Cardboard box. Labeled with marker.
Fandom Stuff
Could this - was this - would this be the stuff that Drake had been searching and asking and hoping for?
Peeling open the folds, Drake gazed in a combination of horror and delight at the box’s contents.
DVDs. CDs. Posters. Pictures. Printouts. Drawings. Stuff about musicals called High School Musical and Camp Rock and Newsies.
Drake peered at the clock, counting how many more days till Josh’s birthday.
He had ten days to delve into the Disney musical world.
--
This was it. Drake had done all he could. Today was the day. The day that Josh would get his Super Fantastical Ultra Mega Power Surprise Birthday Present of Ultimate Epic Win.
“Can I come in yet?”
Drake checked himself over in the mirror before he replied. “Yes.”
Josh entered the room and gasped because, well, honestly? How would you respond if you walked into your room to find it redecorated to vaguely look like a restaurant from the late 1890’s? And with your boyfriend sitting on a mock table dressed up in baggy pants, suspenders, a plaid vest and a to-the-side Newsboy hat?
“Drake?! What, what is all this?”
Drake held up one finger, using his left hand to lift the remote to the stereo and hit play.
”A pair of new shoes with matching laces, a permanent box at Sheepshed Races, a porcelain tub with boiling water, a Saturday night with the mayor’s daughter - “
Drake hopped up onto the table and lifted his hands up into the air, singing, “Look at me! I’m the king of New York! Suddenly I’m respectable, staring right atcha, lousy with stature - “
With some quick dance moves that Drake couldn’t name, but could easily remember after watching the scene forty nine times, he jumped and skipped and danced his way through the number. Josh continued to watch in absolute shock.
”Nubbin’ with all the muckety-mucks, I’m blowin’ my dough and goin’ deluxe - “
Landing his last jump before Josh’s feet, Drake bent down on both knees and belted, “And there I'll be, ain’t I pretty? It’s my city. I’m the king of New York!”
The song continued, but Josh and Drake didn’t pay any mind.
“You! You!”
“I? I?”
“But! This is - and you!”
“Happy Birthday?”
Josh’s squeal got caught in his throat before he bent down to lift Drake up into a whirlwind of a hug. “That was amazing! I loved it!”
“That’s not all. I got you a matching outfit, too.”
Josh almost dropped Drake. “Where?! WHERE?!”
“Over on your bed. These vests and suspenders are actually really cool. And I’m totally digging this hat.”
Immediately stripping all his clothes off, Josh slipped into his own Newsies-themed costume. Beaming at his reflection, he jumped and waved his hands about in a girlish manner.
“Oh, Drake! I love it! I love it! This is the best present, ever!”
Drake shrugged and grinned. “Well, what can I say? It’s not always easy being Drake Parker, but I like to think that I do my very best.”
“Hell yes, you do! How did you know? I mean, how did you think all of this up?”
Drake crossed his arms and sighed. “It’s not as though I didn’t know that you’re this super huge Disney musical fanboy - “
“Really? Because I thought I hid all that stuff from you pretty well.”
Frowning a little, Drake continued. “Anyway, I investigated and nitpicked and figured out all I could until I decided which one I would try to recreate.”
Josh grinned and looped his fingers around his brand-new suspenders. “What made you pick Newsies?”
“Honestly? Christian Bale.”
Josh burst into laughter.
“That and the really awesome fanfiction I found on those two guys, Racetrack and Spot. I kind of got hooked.”
Josh’s eyes widened and his laughter grew uncontrollable. “You! Read! Fanfiction?!”
“Of course! Why not? I mean, I never knew people went off and wrote all these stories about movie characters and stuff. But some of it was really good and I - “
Drake was cut off by the sudden appearance of Josh’s lips covering his own. A few seconds of tongue sweeping mouth and teeth nibbling skin, Josh pulled away and smiled down at a breathless Drake.
“You’re the best, Parker.”
“If you want, you’re more than welcome to calling me Spot. I mean, that is if you want me to be Spot. I kind of figured you as more of a Racetrack. Unless you wanna go for the whole Blink and Mush route, or even the Jack and David -“
Josh’s laughter burst out again. Drake couldn’t help but join in.
He had done it. He had found the best Birthday present ever.
And what’s even better? He was already planning Josh’s next Christmas present (which included a baseball uniform, a complete white outfit with matching fedora, and a song that started with ”Hey, batter, batter, hey batter, batter swing.”).