(no subject)
No, seriously, what the hell did I just see?
Okay, so it started off fairly innocuous. You had Eustace being a douche and doing it well. You had the cool painting being awesome. You had Ben Barnes jumping into the water and coming out all dripping wet and...wait, no, Lutra, naughty thoughts about Caspian are *not* allowed in this review!
Though he did drop the absurd weird Spanish accent he had in Caspian. Three cheers.
So everything was going well until they reached the first island. And when they were bought by slavers I thought, awesomesauce, they did that in the book! Yeah, until you saw them sending out these "slaves" into a giant cloud of green mist that apparently ate them.
Unfortunately, you heard me correctly.
When they reached Coriakin's island, the Duffers were in it for like, two seconds, and they weren't even explained. Then you had Lucy being all ZOMG I WISH I WERE PRETTY AND LOOKED LIKE SUSAN instead of in the book where she just wants to be pretty. Aslan roars at her, random green mist appears again, and bam, her reflection looks like Susan, but Aslan is pissed so she just rips out the page and stuffs it in her jacket. Then they meet Coriakin who speaks...in...dramatic...pauses! See, the green mist is the MIST OF EVIL (for serious) and it first appeared when they fought Jadis at Beruna years ago (does that count in the "take a shot of alcohol of choice every time Jadis appears because really she's been dead for two movies now and this is getting ridiculous" game?) and it was like...going to overtake Narnia and apparently eat more people and make everyone think of their darkest desires or whatnot unless they find and unite the seven swords of Aslan (okay really, this is just getting silly now) at Ramandu's island.
Ramandu, by the way, does not actually make an appearance in this movie.
Jadis, however, does. Three times. *takes three shots*
She tempts Edmund to be king at one point. Wait a minute, I thought he *was* king. Jadis, dear, you'd think with the amount of times they randomly bring you back from the dead in these movies, you'd be more up to date on current events.
Lucy realizes she does not want to be Susan! With the help of Aslan and that random little girl who has NO POINT IN THIS MOVIE. No seriously. What purpose does that girl serve? Anyway. Eventually they reach the island (dun dun dun!) and everyone is confronted with random shit (dun dun dun!) and Lutra finds herself giggling and whispering DUN DUN DUN numerous times in this movie because it's just silly. Wait, where did the seven lords go? Oh, we don't really care, we just need to find their swords. Now we KILL THE SEA SERPENT RARARAGH (wait, didn't that get like, a two second mention in the book?) (yeah, yeah it did)
(also, so does Ramandu's daughter, who shows up for a grand I think two minutes in the entire movie. It's not like she marries Caspian or anything silly like that)
I think I've figured out what the random green mist of doom is. CANON RAPE :O OH SNAP
Movie's only saving graces: Eustace and Reepicheep. omg I cannot stress how epic Reepicheep is. If you see this movie at all (really, I'd advise just waiting until the DVD), it's only because Reep is made of awesomesauce and epic, and even this failtacular movie can't contain his awesomeness. Also, he and Eustace have a non-canon bromance and I'm okay with that. There's this really cute scene where Reep teaches Eustace to sword fight and it made m go :D and this movie mostly made me go D: so the few :D moments were appreciated.
Eustace spent a lot of this movie as a dragon. whut.
Double bonus: they FINALLY GOT NEW MUSIC. Yaaay for music that's not an identical copy of the LWW score! *throws confetti of joy*
Jill got a random shout out at the end. Does this mean they're setting up to do Silver Chair? Will we get to see Eustace being badass in facing down the giant snake of DOOM that is the lady of the green kirtle? Will Lutra get sad because she really likes snakes and works with constrictors? Will this apartment *ever stop being so damn cold*?
For these answers and more, go to google.com.
Until next time, chaps.
Okay, so it started off fairly innocuous. You had Eustace being a douche and doing it well. You had the cool painting being awesome. You had Ben Barnes jumping into the water and coming out all dripping wet and...wait, no, Lutra, naughty thoughts about Caspian are *not* allowed in this review!
Though he did drop the absurd weird Spanish accent he had in Caspian. Three cheers.
So everything was going well until they reached the first island. And when they were bought by slavers I thought, awesomesauce, they did that in the book! Yeah, until you saw them sending out these "slaves" into a giant cloud of green mist that apparently ate them.
Unfortunately, you heard me correctly.
When they reached Coriakin's island, the Duffers were in it for like, two seconds, and they weren't even explained. Then you had Lucy being all ZOMG I WISH I WERE PRETTY AND LOOKED LIKE SUSAN instead of in the book where she just wants to be pretty. Aslan roars at her, random green mist appears again, and bam, her reflection looks like Susan, but Aslan is pissed so she just rips out the page and stuffs it in her jacket. Then they meet Coriakin who speaks...in...dramatic...pauses! See, the green mist is the MIST OF EVIL (for serious) and it first appeared when they fought Jadis at Beruna years ago (does that count in the "take a shot of alcohol of choice every time Jadis appears because really she's been dead for two movies now and this is getting ridiculous" game?) and it was like...going to overtake Narnia and apparently eat more people and make everyone think of their darkest desires or whatnot unless they find and unite the seven swords of Aslan (okay really, this is just getting silly now) at Ramandu's island.
Ramandu, by the way, does not actually make an appearance in this movie.
Jadis, however, does. Three times. *takes three shots*
She tempts Edmund to be king at one point. Wait a minute, I thought he *was* king. Jadis, dear, you'd think with the amount of times they randomly bring you back from the dead in these movies, you'd be more up to date on current events.
Lucy realizes she does not want to be Susan! With the help of Aslan and that random little girl who has NO POINT IN THIS MOVIE. No seriously. What purpose does that girl serve? Anyway. Eventually they reach the island (dun dun dun!) and everyone is confronted with random shit (dun dun dun!) and Lutra finds herself giggling and whispering DUN DUN DUN numerous times in this movie because it's just silly. Wait, where did the seven lords go? Oh, we don't really care, we just need to find their swords. Now we KILL THE SEA SERPENT RARARAGH (wait, didn't that get like, a two second mention in the book?) (yeah, yeah it did)
(also, so does Ramandu's daughter, who shows up for a grand I think two minutes in the entire movie. It's not like she marries Caspian or anything silly like that)
I think I've figured out what the random green mist of doom is. CANON RAPE :O OH SNAP
Movie's only saving graces: Eustace and Reepicheep. omg I cannot stress how epic Reepicheep is. If you see this movie at all (really, I'd advise just waiting until the DVD), it's only because Reep is made of awesomesauce and epic, and even this failtacular movie can't contain his awesomeness. Also, he and Eustace have a non-canon bromance and I'm okay with that. There's this really cute scene where Reep teaches Eustace to sword fight and it made m go :D and this movie mostly made me go D: so the few :D moments were appreciated.
Eustace spent a lot of this movie as a dragon. whut.
Double bonus: they FINALLY GOT NEW MUSIC. Yaaay for music that's not an identical copy of the LWW score! *throws confetti of joy*
Jill got a random shout out at the end. Does this mean they're setting up to do Silver Chair? Will we get to see Eustace being badass in facing down the giant snake of DOOM that is the lady of the green kirtle? Will Lutra get sad because she really likes snakes and works with constrictors? Will this apartment *ever stop being so damn cold*?
For these answers and more, go to google.com.
Until next time, chaps.