I don't understand girlies sometimes. D:
So I'm going to ramble some about it, and if you think I might offend you, dun read it mmk? :D
So, Jami moved back in after being in the hospital for like... a month? Give or take a week. D: Anyway, so we were all packing her stuffs into the back of her car since we can't fit all that into my truck (the bed is all muddy so we couldn't put the stuff there) so, we're on our way home, right? When Maggie's all "I'm going SHOPPING, gimme the keys to your truck." and I was like "...D:? *hands them over*" But it wasn't like she left us to drive since neither of us are in the condition in which to do so, we were totally in the driveway by then... but Mags has been a totally jerkface lately. I kind of want to know what the heck she thinks she's doing playing matchmater -- I can't decide if it's being selfish since she doesn't want to have to come up here because she's legally closest to Jami, since her new husband is a total jerk and all, I think that has something big to do with it -- or if she really just wants someone who would take care of her baby through thick and thin. But if that was the reason, she wouldn't have to worry, right? Because I have been here for Jami from thick to thin, when Mags was all happy and cozy in Co last year. I was here while Jami was breaking in to pieces after she lost Victor and her baby. That probably won't ever change, because that's just what friends do in my opinion. I'm serious when I tell them I'll be their friend forever. That's just how I am. No emoing times would change that.
So, we get to talking. Jami said she knew her mom was trying to, well, force us into a more less-friendly-more-legal type of situation, and that one day while I was working and she couldn't run off because of the IVs and whatnot they stuck in her, Mags sat down and had this huge long talk about how important it is to have someone by your side and blah blah blah. And being an old goat and all, Mags thinks a friend can't be that kind of person. Oh no. You have to be MARRIED. Which totally makes sense because we're both 19. Well, Jami'll be 20 in a few weeks, but eh, you get the point. It's kind of too early in life to jump to that I think. And she agreed. So I stopped my panic mode. But then (and here's the part that confuses the hell out of me) she says something to the sort of, "well... would it be that bad to just try it out?" and I was like "huh? .__." because I thought she was as freaked out by the idea as I was, but CLEARLY that wasn't the case. e_e Anyway, she said something to the sort of we're kind of closer than just friends anyway because we do play flirt a lot and the guys at work do call her my wife once in a while cause she'll come to keep me company at the returns desk if she's feeling okay, but it's never really gotten past that. I mean, I was crushing over her when we first met, but that was like six years ago. I've learned you do NOT crush on the girl you're living with. Unless she really is your girlfriend and all. Which she wasn't. >_> She's been like a sister for all that time. But she said she loves me (I knew that, a friendly kind of love) and that maybe, if we really focused on not drawing the lines at friendship, we could be great together. e_e But, I don't know if I believe that. All her boyfriends since she was 13 have been smart both with words and with their marks in the world. I may have a 165 IQ, but I'm not all about to be all snobsmartish. It's just not me. She likes guys who're rich, too. And since we all know I make a freaking million dollars at Target each week, that'd work out just peachy. I really don't know what she's thinking -- we have the perfect kind of friendship right now, and if it ever got to be more than that -- and when, not if, WHEN for sure she meets the guy she's really meant to be with, she won't know what to do with herself. Leave me and distroy anything we had, probably even our super close friendship to be with this said guy when he finally shows up, or stay with me even though she's meant for someone else? I know it's cheesy to believe in soulmates -- and to be honest I don't believe I have one, but I really believe she does -- I think she could very well end up ripping us to shreads. I know she's sick and sad and lonely, and I love her to bits and would give her the world if I could, but would that be doing the right thing when I know for a fact that later down the line things WOULD get messy, and she'd have to pick? I'm scared of what that can do to her, since the girl has panic attacks when she can't decide between two things to make for dinner. It wouldn't be pretty. And if she isn't feeling better by then, she might actually DIE because of it -- and I can't take that. I can deal with this, or with her being with some guy, but having her die over it would NOT be okay.
So there's that. And now there's the whole other thing with this one girl from work, which I posted about already, who has been flirting like I'm some sort of AWESOME PERSON or something. And I mean, I like her, she's got an awesome personality, but how do I explain the situation at home to her? ":D Hiya! I'll totally date you if you're okay with the fact I MIGHT have to marry my best friend. ;D I promise I'm not a creeper." She's a sweet girl, but I don't want her to be scarred for life over this either.
And because of all of this, I've been hiding a lot, which isn't like me. I just... D: don't know what to do. I tried explaining the way I see things to Jami but she swears it could work. Or that it wouldn't have to be serious. She says she knows I'm lonely too. But she seemed utterly heartbroken when I was hanging out with work-buddy-girl yesterday. I don't know what to do D: I feel like I really might just pick up and run off (what, it's in my blood to be a jerk ._. ) cause it seems no matter what I do, I'm going to hurt someone.
So yeah... [/rant]
Sorry if you read all this and I seem like a total jerkface. There's a ton of history here that I don't feel like repeating, but I did post about it here a while ago if you want to read it. Jami means the world to me, which you can tell by that post, but I also can't just go with the flow when I know it'll be a disaster later on. See what I mean? D: I'm a jerk no matter what I do.
I gotta head off. Cupcakes to anyone who read all that. Sorry I can't reread it to edit, my head hurts like crazy from thinking too much so I'm just going to post it as-is.
So, Jami moved back in after being in the hospital for like... a month? Give or take a week. D: Anyway, so we were all packing her stuffs into the back of her car since we can't fit all that into my truck (the bed is all muddy so we couldn't put the stuff there) so, we're on our way home, right? When Maggie's all "I'm going SHOPPING, gimme the keys to your truck." and I was like "...D:? *hands them over*" But it wasn't like she left us to drive since neither of us are in the condition in which to do so, we were totally in the driveway by then... but Mags has been a totally jerkface lately. I kind of want to know what the heck she thinks she's doing playing matchmater -- I can't decide if it's being selfish since she doesn't want to have to come up here because she's legally closest to Jami, since her new husband is a total jerk and all, I think that has something big to do with it -- or if she really just wants someone who would take care of her baby through thick and thin. But if that was the reason, she wouldn't have to worry, right? Because I have been here for Jami from thick to thin, when Mags was all happy and cozy in Co last year. I was here while Jami was breaking in to pieces after she lost Victor and her baby. That probably won't ever change, because that's just what friends do in my opinion. I'm serious when I tell them I'll be their friend forever. That's just how I am. No emoing times would change that.
So, we get to talking. Jami said she knew her mom was trying to, well, force us into a more less-friendly-more-legal type of situation, and that one day while I was working and she couldn't run off because of the IVs and whatnot they stuck in her, Mags sat down and had this huge long talk about how important it is to have someone by your side and blah blah blah. And being an old goat and all, Mags thinks a friend can't be that kind of person. Oh no. You have to be MARRIED. Which totally makes sense because we're both 19. Well, Jami'll be 20 in a few weeks, but eh, you get the point. It's kind of too early in life to jump to that I think. And she agreed. So I stopped my panic mode. But then (and here's the part that confuses the hell out of me) she says something to the sort of, "well... would it be that bad to just try it out?" and I was like "huh? .__." because I thought she was as freaked out by the idea as I was, but CLEARLY that wasn't the case. e_e Anyway, she said something to the sort of we're kind of closer than just friends anyway because we do play flirt a lot and the guys at work do call her my wife once in a while cause she'll come to keep me company at the returns desk if she's feeling okay, but it's never really gotten past that. I mean, I was crushing over her when we first met, but that was like six years ago. I've learned you do NOT crush on the girl you're living with. Unless she really is your girlfriend and all. Which she wasn't. >_> She's been like a sister for all that time. But she said she loves me (I knew that, a friendly kind of love) and that maybe, if we really focused on not drawing the lines at friendship, we could be great together. e_e But, I don't know if I believe that. All her boyfriends since she was 13 have been smart both with words and with their marks in the world. I may have a 165 IQ, but I'm not all about to be all snobsmartish. It's just not me. She likes guys who're rich, too. And since we all know I make a freaking million dollars at Target each week, that'd work out just peachy. I really don't know what she's thinking -- we have the perfect kind of friendship right now, and if it ever got to be more than that -- and when, not if, WHEN for sure she meets the guy she's really meant to be with, she won't know what to do with herself. Leave me and distroy anything we had, probably even our super close friendship to be with this said guy when he finally shows up, or stay with me even though she's meant for someone else? I know it's cheesy to believe in soulmates -- and to be honest I don't believe I have one, but I really believe she does -- I think she could very well end up ripping us to shreads. I know she's sick and sad and lonely, and I love her to bits and would give her the world if I could, but would that be doing the right thing when I know for a fact that later down the line things WOULD get messy, and she'd have to pick? I'm scared of what that can do to her, since the girl has panic attacks when she can't decide between two things to make for dinner. It wouldn't be pretty. And if she isn't feeling better by then, she might actually DIE because of it -- and I can't take that. I can deal with this, or with her being with some guy, but having her die over it would NOT be okay.
So there's that. And now there's the whole other thing with this one girl from work, which I posted about already, who has been flirting like I'm some sort of AWESOME PERSON or something. And I mean, I like her, she's got an awesome personality, but how do I explain the situation at home to her? ":D Hiya! I'll totally date you if you're okay with the fact I MIGHT have to marry my best friend. ;D I promise I'm not a creeper." She's a sweet girl, but I don't want her to be scarred for life over this either.
And because of all of this, I've been hiding a lot, which isn't like me. I just... D: don't know what to do. I tried explaining the way I see things to Jami but she swears it could work. Or that it wouldn't have to be serious. She says she knows I'm lonely too. But she seemed utterly heartbroken when I was hanging out with work-buddy-girl yesterday. I don't know what to do D: I feel like I really might just pick up and run off (what, it's in my blood to be a jerk ._. ) cause it seems no matter what I do, I'm going to hurt someone.
So yeah... [/rant]
Sorry if you read all this and I seem like a total jerkface. There's a ton of history here that I don't feel like repeating, but I did post about it here a while ago if you want to read it. Jami means the world to me, which you can tell by that post, but I also can't just go with the flow when I know it'll be a disaster later on. See what I mean? D: I'm a jerk no matter what I do.
I gotta head off. Cupcakes to anyone who read all that. Sorry I can't reread it to edit, my head hurts like crazy from thinking too much so I'm just going to post it as-is.