Somewhere In Between [Skins; Emily/Naomi]
Emily didn’t turn back around as she walked away, not even after Naomi called out after her, her voice cracking over the syllables of Emily’s name, breaking up and getting lost into the growing space between them.
The door slammed shut loudly as Emily disappeared behind it and Naomi knew then, that it signalled the start of their downfall. Emily had been right, everything was so fragile and she’d gone and broken them in a way that was beyond repair - it was all her fault and nothing she ever did or said would ever erase that - they both have to live with her mistake now.
It didn’t take long then, before Naomi fell apart completely, her chest tightened unbearably and the sobs that escaped from between her lips sounded foreign in her ears as she sank to the ground and clawed at the concrete - she hoped desperately that she’d find something to hold onto, something to stop her from being dragged down into the darkness for good and save her from herself but there was nothing there.
The sun was up and already shining brightly by the time she managed to stop crying, her fingertips bloody and sore as she breathed deeply to try and catch her breath and Naomi knew as she looked down at the blood on her hands that today was only the beginning of the days she’d tainted with her regret.
-----
Her reflection stared back at her, mocking her almost with its blank stare and impartial expression and Naomi felt bile rise in throat as she realised that it wasn’t really her staring back at herself at all.
She didn’t remember, couldn’t remember, when it was that she had changed, when she morphed into this person standing before her, a person that she didn’t recognise when she knew she should have. It was her face and her eyes and her body all looking back at her but it wasn’t really her - how could it possibly be her when this stranger did and said things she’d never dream of doing.
Naomi wished it hadn’t been so easy for her to lose herself - to forget what it was that made her her. The principles she had, the morals she believed in had somehow gone and she’d been left with this horrible monster, this thing that didn’t understand her or love or decency and created chaos wherever it went.
The vomit that spewed from her mouth a second later was sour on her tongue, leaving behind the evident trails of its destruction and as Naomi slowly lifted her head back up she could finally see her reflection the way it should have looked, eyes distraught and flooded with tears, face crumbling and breaking down before her - the pain and guilt of what she’d done finally piercing through her defences and tearing open her crooked heart.
-----
Naomi didn’t sleep, how could she when Emily was still out there somewhere, hurt and broken down, her heart barely beating as it laid messily in Naomi’s hands - she’d ripped it out without warning and left Emily clutching for a way just to keep herself breathing.
She wanted to call Emily, she needed to see her but Naomi knew it wasn’t up to her now. She didn’t have the right to pull Emily into her arms and hold her, she’d lost the right to be the one to soothe her; she’d gone and given up everything that they had together and thrown it away with her stupid mistake and her sordid lies.
And in the end none of what she’d done had been worth it; not a single second.
Even Naomi didn’t really understand why it had happened, why she’d let it happen. She’d been scared, petrified by all that Emily was to her and all that Emily wanted from her and so she’d done what she always did when things with Emily got too intense for her, she’d ran.
She’d ran away from Emily and forced herself not to look back, not to think of her or anything at all - Naomi didn’t want to feel, she already felt far too much than she was capable of handling. She’d masked her worry and fears with drink and drugs and attitude and Sophia had been the same, she understood what it meant to feel scared and lonely in a world where you were surrounded by people that you didn’t even know how to begin to comprehend.
And then it had happened, she’d reached out and covered Sophia’s hand looking for support and Sophia had grasped back tightly, her nails biting into Naomi’s skin, clinging to her as if letting go would kill her, would kill them both.
It was a distant blur in Naomi’s head, an action so mindless and numb that sometimes she’d wake up in the middle of the night and swear that she’d dreamt the whole thing up, that it hadn’t actually happened, and how could it have when Emily was sleeping peacefully next to her, breathing softly and looking so content.
Naomi hadn’t been prepared for it to come crashing down around her, to wake one morning to find that it hadn’t been a dream but instead an ongoing nightmare that she just couldn’t escape no matter how much she wished she could and couldn’t wake up from no matter how hard she tried - you can’t wake when you’re not even asleep to begin with.
But she loved Emily, she knew she did, she always had and all that night had succeeded in doing was making that clearer to her. It had taken all of the self-doubt away and made it all less scary because having Emily and being with Emily was far less frightening than waking up without Emily pressing loving kisses up her neck, or smiling up at her in that adoring way that consumed Naomi from head to toe.
She’d wanted to take it back the second it had been over, she’d known immediately that it was all royally fucked up, that she’d fucked up and that was why she’d thrown Sophia out as soon as she’d dressed and that was why she’d scrubbed at her skin until it was red and bleeding under the scorching water.
And that was why Naomi hadn’t told Emily, that was why she’d lied to her. She couldn’t bear to cause Emily any pain from an act that had been so selfish, so unbelievably wrong. She wanted to protect Emily and keep her safe in the bubble that Emily had spent her whole teenaged life creating for them - Naomi couldn’t fail her, she couldn’t let herself fall from the pedestal Emily had put her on.
She’d thought she was doing the right thing; she just hadn’t been prepared for Sophia and Emily to be the ones to pull her down and allow her destroy them all.
-----
Naomi had hoped that Emily would come to her but it still didn’t stop her from being any less prepared when Emily did actually show up at her door, plucking her pathetic note from the glass pane and staring up at her with eyes so tired that Naomi knew she could never undo the damage she’d caused.
She listened as the door creaked open and heard Emily’s feet pad against the carpet and she waited, waited for Emily to climb the stairs and enter the room and scream and shout at her, but it never came.
The footsteps had stopped and Naomi shook her head, disgusted with herself, of course Emily wouldn’t come up the stairs and into the room, into their bedroom, into the room Naomi had brought Sophia into and--
She bit down hard on her lip to keep herself from crying and forced herself to make the descent down the stairs and stare into the face of the girl she loved, the girl she’d betrayed.
Emily was stood just inside the front door as Naomi reached the bottom of the stairs, regarding her in such a way as if she’d never seen her before. There was barely any space between them and yet the emotional distance between them was so palpable that Naomi could do nothing to stop her eyes stinging with fresh tears or the small whimper that broke out from the back of her throat as she dropped her eyes down to the ground.
“No. You don't get to cry Naomi,” Emily said breaking the silence between them. “You don't get to be the one who acts hurt here.”
Naomi nodded her head and sniffled as she wiped at her tears, her voice quiet and shaking when she breathed out, “I know.”
The stillness between them was stifling and yet Naomi couldn’t bring herself to move, not even an inch. She heard Emily release a heavy breath and squeezed her eyes shut tightly at the thought of the questions Emily would ask her, of the answers she would have to give, honestly and with how much detail she didn’t know.
“Why can't you look at me?” Emily asked a few long moments later.
Naomi swallowed hard against the lump in her throat and shook her head, still unable to meet Emily’s gaze. “You know why. How can I? How can I possibly look at you after what I've done--”
She heard Emily scoff and looked down again, ashamed of herself.
“Don't give me that shit, Naomi,” Emily hissed. “You fucked her weeks ago and then you've...”
Naomi listened as Emily’s breath caught, her voice breaking off painfully and found herself unable to hold back her tears any longer, her vision flooding and pulling her under.
“You’ve touched me. Kissed me. Made fucking love to me--” Naomi clenched her eyes shut as Emily continued and accidently released another whimper and then suddenly Emily’s hand grasped at her wrist and tugged harshly at her arm until she forced Naomi to meet brown eyes. “No! You fucking look at me. Come on; take a good look at your handiwork, Naoms... proud?”
Naomi shook her head and cried uncontrollably as she stared at Emily, taking in her first proper look at her. Her brown eyes that normally glimmered cheekily were filled with tears, empty and hallow as if Naomi had destroyed the soul behind them and left her blank and lifeless. And her face, the little face that Naomi had expected to see filled with rage and anger was filled with nothing but hurt - the weight of all that had happened crushing down heavily on her expression.
“I’m sorry, Ems. I’m so, so fucking sorry...” Naomi whispered through sobs unable to stand the way she’d broken Emily so unmistakably as her heart clenched painfully in her chest with guilt. “It didn't mean anything.”
“It meant something to me!” Emily exploded, her voice loud and shrill and laced with loathing as she burst into tears, glaring at Naomi. “It fucking meant everything to me! And you’ve ruined it, you’ve fucking ruined it...”
Naomi felt utterly helpless then as Emily stepped away from her, her small frame wracking with ugly sobs that stabbed Naomi through the heart and left her feeling physically sick and faint.
She knew it wouldn’t be the right move but she needed to do something, her hands yearned to reach out and touch, wanting to take all of the hurt that she’d caused away. “Emily, please,” Naomi murmured urgently as she stepped towards her and reached for Emily’s shoulders, trying desperately to pull her closer.
Emily slapped at her hands, shoving her away. “No, don't touch me. Don’t you fucking touch me.”
Naomi cried harder but lowered her hands. “I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. I was scared and she was just there and--”
“So was I...” Emily whispered, cutting her off. “I was right there, Naomi.” She wiped at her eyes and leaned back heavily against the door. “You just chose not to see me because you were a fucking coward as usual. I would have been there for you.”
“You don’t get it though,” Naomi replied through her tears, shaking her head. “You’re what scares me most... what if I said something that you didn’t want to hear? What then, hey? What if you left me? Or--”
“You didn’t give me the chance to hear you, Naomi. You didn’t trust in us and what we had enough to even try to talk to me about how you were feeling, you just went off and-- and then you lied about it when I fucking asked you.”
Naomi blinked away her tears and swallowed, taking in the disappointment on Emily’s face. “I’m sorry.”
Emily shook her head. “Stop apologising, it doesn’t change anything.”
“What do you want me to say? How can I make this better? Tell me, Em, what can I do? I’ll do anything.” Naomi held her arms up, knowing she had nothing left to lose when Emily merely shook her head at her and stayed silent. “Do you want me to stand here and tell you that you petrify me? That I feel trapped by you? That I can't breathe when you’re near me sometimes? That I lay awake at night because the one thing that really puts the fear of fucking God into me is that I can't not think about you, or want you, or need you, or love you. You’re all I think about, Emily, and I can't bear it, I feel like I'm drowning--“
“If I make you that unhappy why are we even together?” Emily asked, silent tears rolling down her cheeks.
Naomi shook her head and ran her hands through her hair, sniffling loudly. “You’re listening to me, Em, but you’re not hearing me - You scare me and I'm drowning but I don't want to swim back to the surface, I want to drown in you. I just didn’t want to lose you. You make me so unbelievably happy and I-- I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that.”
"Nothing, Naomi.” Emily lifted her hand and wiped at her face, letting out a deep breath and looked at her openly. “You’re supposed to do nothing with it except feel it.” Emily was quiet for a few minutes, looking her up and down and studying her in such a way that Naomi knew what she was looking for. “Is that what she did for you then, made you numb? Stopped you from feeling everything that I invoked in you?”
Naomi swallowed thickly knowing that she had to be truthful if she ever wanted Emily to give her a second chance. “Yes...”
Emily blinked at her and then nodded slowly, more to herself than as acknowledgement of Naomi’s comment. She leaned back more forcefully against the door and Naomi watched as Emily’s legs gave way beneath her weight and allowed her to slump down to the floor.
Naomi followed suit, not wanting to break the silence between them with anymore cheap and insulting talk, instead she sank down to the floor, leaning back against the wall nearest to Emily’s left and waited for Emily to give her verdict, to deal her the punishment that she so rightfully deserved.
“My dad seems to think people do stupid things when they’re trying to act like they’re not trapped,” Emily murmured a few minutes later, turning to look at her.
Naomi nodded, not looking away from Emily for a second, needing her to hear her this time, to understand just how much of a mistake it was. “Very stupid things, things that they regret with every fibre in their bodies and would take back in a heartbeat if they could.”
Emily swallowed audibly and dropped her gaze slightly, just enough for her eyes not to be locked onto Naomi’s anymore.
“I know I’ve fucked up inexcusably here but I do love you, Emily. And I am truly sorry for all of it.” Naomi added, unable to not say it, to not tell her that underneath all of the mess, all of the mistakes and regrets, under everything that’d gone wrong, she was still the same girl who Emily had been brave enough to kiss at Pandora’s party and hold hands with leaving the love-ball and spent the summer waking up to - it’d only been one incredibly stupid and weak moment of insanity, the rest of their time together had been her, the girl Emily loved, the girl she really was.
Emily nodded just the once but with that one small gesture Naomi felt a twinge of hope rising in her gut. She wasn’t forgiven, she knew that and she didn’t deserve to be, but maybe she could fix what she had so carelessly broken if Emily just gave her the chance.
“Where do we go from here?” Naomi asked quietly knowing full well that the choice was Emily’s and Emily’s alone.
Emily shrugged after few long minutes and searched out Naomi’s eyes before saying, “I'm not sure, Naomi. All I know is that I'm not done hating you yet.”
Naomi nodded and looked away ashamed, no one hated her more than she hated herself, not even Emily loathed her as much as she did, it just wasn’t possible.
“...but I'm also not done loving you,” Emily continued once Naomi looked back at her.
Naomi felt her eyes burn with tears again and reached out tentatively to cover Emily’s hand with her own and released a shaky breath when Emily flinched a little but didn’t pull her hand away.
It still wasn’t okay, Naomi knew that, but she hoped that maybe one day, after some time, when they’d both healed, that perhaps it could be - she wouldn’t stop proving her love to Emily until Emily finally believed her again.
The door slammed shut loudly as Emily disappeared behind it and Naomi knew then, that it signalled the start of their downfall. Emily had been right, everything was so fragile and she’d gone and broken them in a way that was beyond repair - it was all her fault and nothing she ever did or said would ever erase that - they both have to live with her mistake now.
It didn’t take long then, before Naomi fell apart completely, her chest tightened unbearably and the sobs that escaped from between her lips sounded foreign in her ears as she sank to the ground and clawed at the concrete - she hoped desperately that she’d find something to hold onto, something to stop her from being dragged down into the darkness for good and save her from herself but there was nothing there.
The sun was up and already shining brightly by the time she managed to stop crying, her fingertips bloody and sore as she breathed deeply to try and catch her breath and Naomi knew as she looked down at the blood on her hands that today was only the beginning of the days she’d tainted with her regret.
-----
Her reflection stared back at her, mocking her almost with its blank stare and impartial expression and Naomi felt bile rise in throat as she realised that it wasn’t really her staring back at herself at all.
She didn’t remember, couldn’t remember, when it was that she had changed, when she morphed into this person standing before her, a person that she didn’t recognise when she knew she should have. It was her face and her eyes and her body all looking back at her but it wasn’t really her - how could it possibly be her when this stranger did and said things she’d never dream of doing.
Naomi wished it hadn’t been so easy for her to lose herself - to forget what it was that made her her. The principles she had, the morals she believed in had somehow gone and she’d been left with this horrible monster, this thing that didn’t understand her or love or decency and created chaos wherever it went.
The vomit that spewed from her mouth a second later was sour on her tongue, leaving behind the evident trails of its destruction and as Naomi slowly lifted her head back up she could finally see her reflection the way it should have looked, eyes distraught and flooded with tears, face crumbling and breaking down before her - the pain and guilt of what she’d done finally piercing through her defences and tearing open her crooked heart.
-----
Naomi didn’t sleep, how could she when Emily was still out there somewhere, hurt and broken down, her heart barely beating as it laid messily in Naomi’s hands - she’d ripped it out without warning and left Emily clutching for a way just to keep herself breathing.
She wanted to call Emily, she needed to see her but Naomi knew it wasn’t up to her now. She didn’t have the right to pull Emily into her arms and hold her, she’d lost the right to be the one to soothe her; she’d gone and given up everything that they had together and thrown it away with her stupid mistake and her sordid lies.
And in the end none of what she’d done had been worth it; not a single second.
Even Naomi didn’t really understand why it had happened, why she’d let it happen. She’d been scared, petrified by all that Emily was to her and all that Emily wanted from her and so she’d done what she always did when things with Emily got too intense for her, she’d ran.
She’d ran away from Emily and forced herself not to look back, not to think of her or anything at all - Naomi didn’t want to feel, she already felt far too much than she was capable of handling. She’d masked her worry and fears with drink and drugs and attitude and Sophia had been the same, she understood what it meant to feel scared and lonely in a world where you were surrounded by people that you didn’t even know how to begin to comprehend.
And then it had happened, she’d reached out and covered Sophia’s hand looking for support and Sophia had grasped back tightly, her nails biting into Naomi’s skin, clinging to her as if letting go would kill her, would kill them both.
It was a distant blur in Naomi’s head, an action so mindless and numb that sometimes she’d wake up in the middle of the night and swear that she’d dreamt the whole thing up, that it hadn’t actually happened, and how could it have when Emily was sleeping peacefully next to her, breathing softly and looking so content.
Naomi hadn’t been prepared for it to come crashing down around her, to wake one morning to find that it hadn’t been a dream but instead an ongoing nightmare that she just couldn’t escape no matter how much she wished she could and couldn’t wake up from no matter how hard she tried - you can’t wake when you’re not even asleep to begin with.
But she loved Emily, she knew she did, she always had and all that night had succeeded in doing was making that clearer to her. It had taken all of the self-doubt away and made it all less scary because having Emily and being with Emily was far less frightening than waking up without Emily pressing loving kisses up her neck, or smiling up at her in that adoring way that consumed Naomi from head to toe.
She’d wanted to take it back the second it had been over, she’d known immediately that it was all royally fucked up, that she’d fucked up and that was why she’d thrown Sophia out as soon as she’d dressed and that was why she’d scrubbed at her skin until it was red and bleeding under the scorching water.
And that was why Naomi hadn’t told Emily, that was why she’d lied to her. She couldn’t bear to cause Emily any pain from an act that had been so selfish, so unbelievably wrong. She wanted to protect Emily and keep her safe in the bubble that Emily had spent her whole teenaged life creating for them - Naomi couldn’t fail her, she couldn’t let herself fall from the pedestal Emily had put her on.
She’d thought she was doing the right thing; she just hadn’t been prepared for Sophia and Emily to be the ones to pull her down and allow her destroy them all.
-----
Naomi had hoped that Emily would come to her but it still didn’t stop her from being any less prepared when Emily did actually show up at her door, plucking her pathetic note from the glass pane and staring up at her with eyes so tired that Naomi knew she could never undo the damage she’d caused.
She listened as the door creaked open and heard Emily’s feet pad against the carpet and she waited, waited for Emily to climb the stairs and enter the room and scream and shout at her, but it never came.
The footsteps had stopped and Naomi shook her head, disgusted with herself, of course Emily wouldn’t come up the stairs and into the room, into their bedroom, into the room Naomi had brought Sophia into and--
She bit down hard on her lip to keep herself from crying and forced herself to make the descent down the stairs and stare into the face of the girl she loved, the girl she’d betrayed.
Emily was stood just inside the front door as Naomi reached the bottom of the stairs, regarding her in such a way as if she’d never seen her before. There was barely any space between them and yet the emotional distance between them was so palpable that Naomi could do nothing to stop her eyes stinging with fresh tears or the small whimper that broke out from the back of her throat as she dropped her eyes down to the ground.
“No. You don't get to cry Naomi,” Emily said breaking the silence between them. “You don't get to be the one who acts hurt here.”
Naomi nodded her head and sniffled as she wiped at her tears, her voice quiet and shaking when she breathed out, “I know.”
The stillness between them was stifling and yet Naomi couldn’t bring herself to move, not even an inch. She heard Emily release a heavy breath and squeezed her eyes shut tightly at the thought of the questions Emily would ask her, of the answers she would have to give, honestly and with how much detail she didn’t know.
“Why can't you look at me?” Emily asked a few long moments later.
Naomi swallowed hard against the lump in her throat and shook her head, still unable to meet Emily’s gaze. “You know why. How can I? How can I possibly look at you after what I've done--”
She heard Emily scoff and looked down again, ashamed of herself.
“Don't give me that shit, Naomi,” Emily hissed. “You fucked her weeks ago and then you've...”
Naomi listened as Emily’s breath caught, her voice breaking off painfully and found herself unable to hold back her tears any longer, her vision flooding and pulling her under.
“You’ve touched me. Kissed me. Made fucking love to me--” Naomi clenched her eyes shut as Emily continued and accidently released another whimper and then suddenly Emily’s hand grasped at her wrist and tugged harshly at her arm until she forced Naomi to meet brown eyes. “No! You fucking look at me. Come on; take a good look at your handiwork, Naoms... proud?”
Naomi shook her head and cried uncontrollably as she stared at Emily, taking in her first proper look at her. Her brown eyes that normally glimmered cheekily were filled with tears, empty and hallow as if Naomi had destroyed the soul behind them and left her blank and lifeless. And her face, the little face that Naomi had expected to see filled with rage and anger was filled with nothing but hurt - the weight of all that had happened crushing down heavily on her expression.
“I’m sorry, Ems. I’m so, so fucking sorry...” Naomi whispered through sobs unable to stand the way she’d broken Emily so unmistakably as her heart clenched painfully in her chest with guilt. “It didn't mean anything.”
“It meant something to me!” Emily exploded, her voice loud and shrill and laced with loathing as she burst into tears, glaring at Naomi. “It fucking meant everything to me! And you’ve ruined it, you’ve fucking ruined it...”
Naomi felt utterly helpless then as Emily stepped away from her, her small frame wracking with ugly sobs that stabbed Naomi through the heart and left her feeling physically sick and faint.
She knew it wouldn’t be the right move but she needed to do something, her hands yearned to reach out and touch, wanting to take all of the hurt that she’d caused away. “Emily, please,” Naomi murmured urgently as she stepped towards her and reached for Emily’s shoulders, trying desperately to pull her closer.
Emily slapped at her hands, shoving her away. “No, don't touch me. Don’t you fucking touch me.”
Naomi cried harder but lowered her hands. “I'm sorry... I'm so sorry. I was scared and she was just there and--”
“So was I...” Emily whispered, cutting her off. “I was right there, Naomi.” She wiped at her eyes and leaned back heavily against the door. “You just chose not to see me because you were a fucking coward as usual. I would have been there for you.”
“You don’t get it though,” Naomi replied through her tears, shaking her head. “You’re what scares me most... what if I said something that you didn’t want to hear? What then, hey? What if you left me? Or--”
“You didn’t give me the chance to hear you, Naomi. You didn’t trust in us and what we had enough to even try to talk to me about how you were feeling, you just went off and-- and then you lied about it when I fucking asked you.”
Naomi blinked away her tears and swallowed, taking in the disappointment on Emily’s face. “I’m sorry.”
Emily shook her head. “Stop apologising, it doesn’t change anything.”
“What do you want me to say? How can I make this better? Tell me, Em, what can I do? I’ll do anything.” Naomi held her arms up, knowing she had nothing left to lose when Emily merely shook her head at her and stayed silent. “Do you want me to stand here and tell you that you petrify me? That I feel trapped by you? That I can't breathe when you’re near me sometimes? That I lay awake at night because the one thing that really puts the fear of fucking God into me is that I can't not think about you, or want you, or need you, or love you. You’re all I think about, Emily, and I can't bear it, I feel like I'm drowning--“
“If I make you that unhappy why are we even together?” Emily asked, silent tears rolling down her cheeks.
Naomi shook her head and ran her hands through her hair, sniffling loudly. “You’re listening to me, Em, but you’re not hearing me - You scare me and I'm drowning but I don't want to swim back to the surface, I want to drown in you. I just didn’t want to lose you. You make me so unbelievably happy and I-- I don't know what I'm supposed to do with that.”
"Nothing, Naomi.” Emily lifted her hand and wiped at her face, letting out a deep breath and looked at her openly. “You’re supposed to do nothing with it except feel it.” Emily was quiet for a few minutes, looking her up and down and studying her in such a way that Naomi knew what she was looking for. “Is that what she did for you then, made you numb? Stopped you from feeling everything that I invoked in you?”
Naomi swallowed thickly knowing that she had to be truthful if she ever wanted Emily to give her a second chance. “Yes...”
Emily blinked at her and then nodded slowly, more to herself than as acknowledgement of Naomi’s comment. She leaned back more forcefully against the door and Naomi watched as Emily’s legs gave way beneath her weight and allowed her to slump down to the floor.
Naomi followed suit, not wanting to break the silence between them with anymore cheap and insulting talk, instead she sank down to the floor, leaning back against the wall nearest to Emily’s left and waited for Emily to give her verdict, to deal her the punishment that she so rightfully deserved.
“My dad seems to think people do stupid things when they’re trying to act like they’re not trapped,” Emily murmured a few minutes later, turning to look at her.
Naomi nodded, not looking away from Emily for a second, needing her to hear her this time, to understand just how much of a mistake it was. “Very stupid things, things that they regret with every fibre in their bodies and would take back in a heartbeat if they could.”
Emily swallowed audibly and dropped her gaze slightly, just enough for her eyes not to be locked onto Naomi’s anymore.
“I know I’ve fucked up inexcusably here but I do love you, Emily. And I am truly sorry for all of it.” Naomi added, unable to not say it, to not tell her that underneath all of the mess, all of the mistakes and regrets, under everything that’d gone wrong, she was still the same girl who Emily had been brave enough to kiss at Pandora’s party and hold hands with leaving the love-ball and spent the summer waking up to - it’d only been one incredibly stupid and weak moment of insanity, the rest of their time together had been her, the girl Emily loved, the girl she really was.
Emily nodded just the once but with that one small gesture Naomi felt a twinge of hope rising in her gut. She wasn’t forgiven, she knew that and she didn’t deserve to be, but maybe she could fix what she had so carelessly broken if Emily just gave her the chance.
“Where do we go from here?” Naomi asked quietly knowing full well that the choice was Emily’s and Emily’s alone.
Emily shrugged after few long minutes and searched out Naomi’s eyes before saying, “I'm not sure, Naomi. All I know is that I'm not done hating you yet.”
Naomi nodded and looked away ashamed, no one hated her more than she hated herself, not even Emily loathed her as much as she did, it just wasn’t possible.
“...but I'm also not done loving you,” Emily continued once Naomi looked back at her.
Naomi felt her eyes burn with tears again and reached out tentatively to cover Emily’s hand with her own and released a shaky breath when Emily flinched a little but didn’t pull her hand away.
It still wasn’t okay, Naomi knew that, but she hoped that maybe one day, after some time, when they’d both healed, that perhaps it could be - she wouldn’t stop proving her love to Emily until Emily finally believed her again.