Stolen Moments 8/? (Part One)
Chapter One
Chapter Two
Chapter Three Part One and Chapter Three Part Two
Chapter Four
Chapter Five Part One and Chapter Five Part Two
Chapter Six and Chapter Six Part Two
Chapter Seven Part One and Chapter Seven Part Two
Chapter Eight - Stolen Moments
Callie had lost track of the time as she stood there in the doorway; her eyes completely focused on the OR below. She wasn't really looking at the OR, or even interested in the life saving operation taking place before her very eyes; she was simply watching her. Every slight movement of her careful steady hands, the tense, focused and yet passionate expression in her blue eyes; even the little bits of wispy hair sticking out from under her trade mark scrub cap were enough to take the sting away from Callie’s aching heart; but not nearly enough to fulfil her Erica Hahn fix completely.
“You could go inside the gallery and watch you know.”
Callie hadn't realized that she had company as she watched the scene below unfold; while she watched her. She didn’t feel unsettled by his voice, even though it was still relatively new to her; instead she found it strangely comforting; enough that she didn’t turn around to acknowledge that she’d heard him. She just kept her eyes focused on Erica, afraid that if she didn’t, she'd disappear without a trace. Callie stayed silent for a few more moments; letting her eyes drink the blonde in. But she knew he was still there; waiting patiently, so she finally twisted her body to meet his; his sincere green eyes looking deep into hers; expressing his concern.
“Could I?” Callie finally asked, her voice unsteady and strange to her own ears, after being quite for so long. Troy’s expression stayed the same; his eyes never leaving hers; but Callie needed a response; she needed to hear some sort of approval, “Would she want me to?”
Callie watched his eyes flicker, but not in surprise, more in acknowledgement, in understanding. He pursed his lips together and for a second she wondered if he was angry, or whether he was thinking of something to say; something that he knew would hurt her, even though it wasn’t intended to.
“More than anything,” Troy responded calmly; his lips were still pursed together slightly, only now Callie knew it was out of sincerity and truth rather than anger.
“I needed to know that...I need to know that from her,” Callie whispered as she followed his gaze, as it left her eyes and landed on Erica in the OR below, “I have questions,” It was a statement, and Troy didn’t ask Callie what she meant, because he understood; he knew Erica more intimately than anyone else in the world and since he’d arrived in Seattle; Callie had noticed that Erica had become more relaxed; she was more open and generally happy.
Over these last few painful days of Erica completely shutting her out, Callie had watched them together jealously; getting to really observe how comfortable Erica was with him; she found it strange and comforting all at the same time; and she noticed that sometimes Erica didn’t have to say anything to him and Callie knew that he still heard everything she wanted to say but didn’t.
“Come and have coffee with me Callie,” Troy offered; his eyes trailing from Erica back to her brown eyes; letting his eyes search her face until she looked back at him.
“Will you answer them?” Callie wasn’t sure why she’d asked, other than the fact that her mind was racing with questions that she wanted to ask Erica, but the blonde wouldn’t let her near enough to her to ask. She watched Troy’s eyes flicker with emotion as he stared down at Erica and Callie recognized that he knew all of Erica’s answers as if they were his own.
“If I can,” Troy let his eyes find Callie’s again and watched as she let out a sigh of relief. He bit his bottom lip for a split second as he watched her; trying to read the expression in her dark eyes, “But I’m not her; I can't answer questions you have for her Callie. I can only answer the questions you have about her; how I know her; how I see her.”
It might not be the final solution to the complicated puzzle of Erica Hahn but it was a step closer and Callie was to tired to fight for more at that moment; she needed something, any little thing to hold on to; something to remind her that she was still actually here and not lost in a place between reality and a nightmare.
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Troy handed Callie a cup of coffee and sat down opposite her. It was late and the staff room they were in was completely empty and silent except for the constant dripping of the coffee machine. Callie studied his face; his green eyes looked tired but not from lack of sleep but of something else entirely different. He smiled at her; not big and beaming, but enough; the corner of his mouth tugged upwards and suddenly his eyes didn’t look as tired; a glimmer of hope flickered in them.
“I miss her,” Callie let it breathe out past her lips, as though she was confessing something highly secretive, and Troy nodded his head a little; reminding her that he already seemed to know this unspoken truth, “I miss her, and I’m carrying around a constant ache that won’t go away because I know I hurt her and I can’t stop thinking about what an idiot I was. But she won’t let me apologise, she doesn’t want me anywhere near her…” she watched him sip his coffee but knew that he was listening, “She's been avoiding me at all costs.”
His elbows were resting on the table, as his hand cupped the side of his face, supporting it; his eyes were deep, as if they were swimming with different emotions. He stayed silent just watching her and after a few moments he replied, “Yes.”
Callie felt deflated as he answered; she wanted to know more, she wanted more of a response from him; but at the same time she was thankful that he was giving her the truth without following it up with excuses.
“It’s complicated and it’s uncomplicated all at the same time,” Callie took a sip of her coffee to try and put some moisture back into her suddenly dry mouth, “I didn’t mean to freak out,” she made sure Troy’s eyes were reading hers; believing what she was saying before she continued, “I know without a doubt that I want her; that what we have is something special. I just…” Callie glanced at him again; taking in how he looked lost inside his own head, and she suddenly wasn’t sure if he was actually listening to her at all, “I’m don’t know if I’m gay; I wasn’t thinking about it before, when it was just the two of us in our little bubble…but now everyone wants me to define it and I’m having some kind of inner conflict because I can’t for the life of me figure it out…I want to tell Erica that I’m sorry and that I didn’t mean to freeze at work and I want to talk to her about how I’m feeling but she’s shut me out and doesn’t want to hear it dammit!” Callie raised her voice a little and Troy looked up from his coffee cup to meet her gaze.
“Yes,” he repeated again; the same one word of truth; making Callie abruptly angry. Troy wasn’t helping her figure this out, he wasn’t giving her anything to work with; instead he just continued to sit there with his coffee; the same expression in his eyes as if he was reassuring her that this situation she was in, was in fact a mess.
“You're not helping me Troy! Why won't you help me figure this out?” Callie raised her voice; enough to know she wasn’t yelling but knowing it drew attention. She watched him for a split second and realized that Troy didn’t know her that well at all and that to him it might feel like she was yelling. Callie opened her mouth to say something but noticed that his expression hadn’t changed; he simply grasped his coffee from the table and leaned back in his chair, taking a sip.
“You haven't asked me anything yet,” Troy lifted one of his hands to his face and rubbed the stubble that had graced his cheeks, before leaning back on the table and holding brown eyes, “Erica's complicated. She's difficult, and she's damn right frustrating most of the time. So I get why you're feeling slightly angry Callie.”
Callie let out a sigh, “I know that she’s complicated Troy, I get that and I get that what I did doesn’t help at all,” she ran a hand through her hair, “But how can I try and fix it if she won’t let me in?”
“Look I know that you've seen bits of the real Erica,” Callie raised her eyebrows feeling confused as to what he was trying to tell her, “As opposed to her being Dr Hahn all the time I mean; I’ve seen you together so I know that she does relax into being herself.”
“When I first met her she was very much Dr Hahn; she was guarded and answered mostly in one word sentences. But when we became friends that all changed…the Dr Hahnness disappeared a little bit more each time we were together and soon I got to see her as just Erica.”
“Then you’ve been witness to the change; you know the difference. Which means you're lucky Callie because she's let you see Erica and not just Dr Hahn. And if you've seen Erica you know how amazing she is.”
“She's wonderful,” Callie replied smiling; picturing Erica in her head; images flashing into her mind of how she first met Dr Hahn in the basement and how after that fateful night of drinking and playing darts she became Erica; her best friend, her something more.
“Look, Erica has that thing; the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other, but instead of them being her conscience, they’re more like two sides of the same thing,” Troy paused and watched Callie for a second; gauging her reaction. He worried his bottom lip between his teeth as he searched his brain for an easy way to explain it, “The devil is like one half of her personality; it's the professional side, it's Dr Hahn; who is a great surgeon, who is ruthless and distant but passionate,” Callie nodded her head, letting him know she understood what he was saying, “And the angel is the other half of her personality; it’s Erica; it’s her private life. It's the side she reserves for the selected few she calls her friends. It’s the sweet, caring, funny and warm side.”
“I love that side of her,” Callie gave him a small smile.
“And like I said Cal, you're lucky, really lucky that you're one of the few people she has let see that side of her...the Erica as well as the Dr Hahn....but it's not enough.”
Callie couldn’t speak, just as she thought that she understood what Troy was explaining to her she suddenly found herself being launched back into the middle of a jungle; forever trapped inside something she couldn’t figure out enough to escape.
Troy watched as she opened her mouth to respond but seemed lost for words, “What I mean is there's more to her...she's not just the devil and the angel...Dr Hahn...Erica; they are only bits of her; important parts but that's all they are; they're pieces of the puzzle that make her who she is.”
“What are you talking about?” Callie felt like he was trying to tell her something really simply and yet she couldn’t quite grasp it.
“I mean you've met Dr Hahn, and you've met Erica...But you’ve never met Erica Hahn,” He smiled warmly; his green eyes lighting up, “And Erica Hahn is the best part, the bit you want to see; need to see. Erica Hahn is a combination of all the elements that make her Dr Hahn and Erica. And Erica Hahn is confusing and frustrating and damaged; she has flaws, but my god she's beautiful, and I mean steal the breath away from you beautiful.”
Callie realized that she must look a little confused and shocked at what he was saying because Troy let out a little laugh and beamed a grin at her, “Callie I can guarantee that you're going to want to see Erica Hahn. But she's not going to just give it to you. You're going to have to be stubborn and patient and persistent and god damn fight her every step of the way. Because she is damaged, and she has separated herself into pieces, but it's because she doesn't want to let people in enough to hurt her, and if she's in pieces then they can only hurt a part of her,” Callie thought about Erica’s husband and realized that was the only thing she really knew about her past, “Erica has trust issues; they stem from her father, and she never talks about it…I was 9 years old when I met her and she was already closed off,” Callie felt her eyes brim with tears at the thought of Erica being so closed off to everyone around her at such a young age, “It took me years to get her to let me in and I had to prove time after time that I wasn’t going anywhere. She will let you Callie, I know because you’re the first person she actually wants to let in, its written all over those blue eyes of her,” he reached into his pocket and passed her a tissue for her tears, “But you need to make sure she can trust you, otherwise she’ll never let you closer than arms length Callie and you need to continually show her that you're not going anywhere, that you're here for the good and the bad, and then she will stop testing you. She will stop waiting for you to leave to prove herself right; she'll let you in, and you'll get to see all of her; you'll get to see Erica Hahn.”
Callie let out a deep breath; feeling as if the weight had been lifted from her shoulders only long enough for another one to be put in its place; she couldn’t decide whether the explanation Troy had given her had made her feel relieved or suffocated. Callie knew Troy must have read her reaction from her eyes because his smile has disappeared and he was looking at her intensely, “I told you Erica Hahn wasn’t easy, and that's why only a selected few ever really see her. But if you decide that you want to; that all the hurt and pain that you're feeling now is worth it; that she's worth it; then fight for her Callie. Make sure you damn well let her know that you're going to fight for her,” he rubbed a hand through his hair, “But if this is all to much; if the hurt is to much; and I know that it hurts like hell…then you should decide now to let the pieces of her that you already have go.”
Callie watched him lift his arm to his face and look down at his watch; brown eyes travelled over his shoulder and look at the clock on the wall, taking in the time; Erica would be finishing her surgery in ten minutes.
Troy’s sincere green eyes lock onto brown again, “You should go home Callie, don't watch her anymore tonight; you don't need to. Take what I’ve said to you and go home and think about it, and I mean really think about it; and then tomorrow once you’ve got it figured out in your head, you can begin from whatever one of those starting places you've decided, and take it from there.”
Callie stood as she watched him rise from his chair to leave; moving around the table so that she was standing opposite him. She felt like she wanted to pull him into a tight hug for what he had told her and at the same time she wanted to grab hold of him and beg him for more. Callie knew she was frozen to the spot again; her head was spinning with everything she’d just heard and her mouth couldn’t seem to find any words. She held his gaze hoping that her eyes would communicate everything she couldn’t in that moment.
Troy leaned in to place a kiss on her cheek as he pulled her into a hug, “I really hope you choose the right place to start from Callie,” whispered into her ear before he pulled back; giving her one last encouraging smile. He grabbed the handle to the door and walked out of the room.
Callie stared at the door long after Troy had gone; his words ringing in her ears.
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She look a deep breath as her brown eyes observed Erica at the nurses desk; trying to steady her nerves for what she was about to do. Troy had been wrong when he had told her that she needed to go home and really think things through; she didn’t need to think about it at all; she knew she wanted to be with Erica and if that meant people would identify her as gay, then so be it. If having that label meant she’d get to be happy; Callie was willing ready to have if stamped on her back.
Callie took a final deep breath and approached her; she nodded her head in greeting at Cristina and Meredith before leaning her hip against the side as she turned to Erica, “Hey.”
Erica didn’t lift her head from her chart as Callie’s voice reached her ears, “What can I do for you Dr Torres?”
“I know that you’re not talking to me; I get that. And I’m not asking you to,” Erica lifted her eyes to find Callie’s; a look of annoyance of her face, “I was a heartless bitch the other day and I should never have freaked out after I promised you we’d be okay; so I deserve for you to shut me out.”
“Dr Torres this isn’t the place for this conversation,” Erica narrowed her eyes at her.
“No, this is the place,” Callie looked over at Cristina and Meredith and then back to blue eyes, “I don’t care that they know; I don’t care if everyone knows. I’m crazy about you Erica,” she gave her a small smile, “And you might not want me to apologise and you might not want to let me back in. But I’m not going to let you give up on us; or on me because I made one stupid mistake. I could promise you that I’ll never hurt you again if you forgive me but I know my promises mean absolutely nothing to you at the moment. So I’m just letting you know that I’m not going anywhere; I’m here for the long run and I don’t care how long I have to fight to get you to let me back in; I’m never going to stop trying, you mean to damn much to me,” Callie watched the reaction in blue eyes for a second before stretching out her hand and offering the coffee she’d bought for her. When Erica didn’t take it Callie pushed the coffee gently into her grasp; their skin grazing as she did so. Lush deep blue eyes stared back at her and Callie knew in that moment she’d chosen the right place to start from.
Erica’s expression stayed neutral as she tightened her hand around the cup of coffee; Callie was still looking at her; not as if she was waiting for a response but more like she was pledging her every word and preparing herself for the intense battle she was about to embark on.
Callie watched as Erica pulled her eyes away from her gaze and grabbed up the chart she needed before telling Cristina and Meredith to follow her. Erica might not have spoken a single word to her; or reached out to ensure her that she’d heard everything she’d said but at least she’d taken the coffee with her, and Callie was more than happy to take that small gesture as a tiny silent victory.
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Troy studied Erica’s expression as she let herself into his apartment; hanging her coat up before flopping down next to him on the couch. He lifted his arm to wrap it around her shoulders; feeling her snuggle into his side.
Erica let out a deep sigh, “Callie tried to talk to me again today.”
“What’d she say?” Troy kept his eyes straight ahead not wanting her to have a reason to take back the admission she was about to share.
“She said she was going to fight for our relationship,” Erica shut her eyes and let her hand find Troy’s; needing his comforting grip.
“That’s good right? You want to forgive her don’t you?”
Erica opened her eyes and glanced up at his face before turning back to face forward, “I want to forgive her…I just don’t know if I can...I don’t know if I can open myself up again.”
“Callie’s human E, she made a mistake but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you. You should give her a second chance,” Troy turned his head to look at her; letting his green eyes meet blue.
“I can’t…”
“You can; and more than that you want to,” he gave her a small smile.
“I know I just…I can’t…I…” she looked away from his eyes; hating how he could read her so easily.
“Why won't you let her in E? You can’t just shut her out like this; are you afraid that she'll hurt you?”
“I'm not afraid that she'll hurt me,” she paused and let out a shaky breath, “I'm afraid that she won't,” she lifted her eyes to his, “I'm afraid that she might be the one.....and that scares me more than anything.”
Troy sat forward and lifted his hand to cup her face; tears flooding her fragile blue eyes, “Erica…” he used the pad of his thumb to wipe away the tears escaping down her cheeks, “If you feel that strongly about Callie you should take the risk and let her in. Sometimes you have to learn to fall without wings and trust blindly that there's someone waiting there to catch you; love is nothing without a little faith.”
Chapter 8 (Part Two) - http://thecon12.livejournal.com/6569.html
Chapter Two
Chapter Three Part One and Chapter Three Part Two
Chapter Four
Chapter Five Part One and Chapter Five Part Two
Chapter Six and Chapter Six Part Two
Chapter Seven Part One and Chapter Seven Part Two
Chapter Eight - Stolen Moments
Callie had lost track of the time as she stood there in the doorway; her eyes completely focused on the OR below. She wasn't really looking at the OR, or even interested in the life saving operation taking place before her very eyes; she was simply watching her. Every slight movement of her careful steady hands, the tense, focused and yet passionate expression in her blue eyes; even the little bits of wispy hair sticking out from under her trade mark scrub cap were enough to take the sting away from Callie’s aching heart; but not nearly enough to fulfil her Erica Hahn fix completely.
“You could go inside the gallery and watch you know.”
Callie hadn't realized that she had company as she watched the scene below unfold; while she watched her. She didn’t feel unsettled by his voice, even though it was still relatively new to her; instead she found it strangely comforting; enough that she didn’t turn around to acknowledge that she’d heard him. She just kept her eyes focused on Erica, afraid that if she didn’t, she'd disappear without a trace. Callie stayed silent for a few more moments; letting her eyes drink the blonde in. But she knew he was still there; waiting patiently, so she finally twisted her body to meet his; his sincere green eyes looking deep into hers; expressing his concern.
“Could I?” Callie finally asked, her voice unsteady and strange to her own ears, after being quite for so long. Troy’s expression stayed the same; his eyes never leaving hers; but Callie needed a response; she needed to hear some sort of approval, “Would she want me to?”
Callie watched his eyes flicker, but not in surprise, more in acknowledgement, in understanding. He pursed his lips together and for a second she wondered if he was angry, or whether he was thinking of something to say; something that he knew would hurt her, even though it wasn’t intended to.
“More than anything,” Troy responded calmly; his lips were still pursed together slightly, only now Callie knew it was out of sincerity and truth rather than anger.
“I needed to know that...I need to know that from her,” Callie whispered as she followed his gaze, as it left her eyes and landed on Erica in the OR below, “I have questions,” It was a statement, and Troy didn’t ask Callie what she meant, because he understood; he knew Erica more intimately than anyone else in the world and since he’d arrived in Seattle; Callie had noticed that Erica had become more relaxed; she was more open and generally happy.
Over these last few painful days of Erica completely shutting her out, Callie had watched them together jealously; getting to really observe how comfortable Erica was with him; she found it strange and comforting all at the same time; and she noticed that sometimes Erica didn’t have to say anything to him and Callie knew that he still heard everything she wanted to say but didn’t.
“Come and have coffee with me Callie,” Troy offered; his eyes trailing from Erica back to her brown eyes; letting his eyes search her face until she looked back at him.
“Will you answer them?” Callie wasn’t sure why she’d asked, other than the fact that her mind was racing with questions that she wanted to ask Erica, but the blonde wouldn’t let her near enough to her to ask. She watched Troy’s eyes flicker with emotion as he stared down at Erica and Callie recognized that he knew all of Erica’s answers as if they were his own.
“If I can,” Troy let his eyes find Callie’s again and watched as she let out a sigh of relief. He bit his bottom lip for a split second as he watched her; trying to read the expression in her dark eyes, “But I’m not her; I can't answer questions you have for her Callie. I can only answer the questions you have about her; how I know her; how I see her.”
It might not be the final solution to the complicated puzzle of Erica Hahn but it was a step closer and Callie was to tired to fight for more at that moment; she needed something, any little thing to hold on to; something to remind her that she was still actually here and not lost in a place between reality and a nightmare.
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Troy handed Callie a cup of coffee and sat down opposite her. It was late and the staff room they were in was completely empty and silent except for the constant dripping of the coffee machine. Callie studied his face; his green eyes looked tired but not from lack of sleep but of something else entirely different. He smiled at her; not big and beaming, but enough; the corner of his mouth tugged upwards and suddenly his eyes didn’t look as tired; a glimmer of hope flickered in them.
“I miss her,” Callie let it breathe out past her lips, as though she was confessing something highly secretive, and Troy nodded his head a little; reminding her that he already seemed to know this unspoken truth, “I miss her, and I’m carrying around a constant ache that won’t go away because I know I hurt her and I can’t stop thinking about what an idiot I was. But she won’t let me apologise, she doesn’t want me anywhere near her…” she watched him sip his coffee but knew that he was listening, “She's been avoiding me at all costs.”
His elbows were resting on the table, as his hand cupped the side of his face, supporting it; his eyes were deep, as if they were swimming with different emotions. He stayed silent just watching her and after a few moments he replied, “Yes.”
Callie felt deflated as he answered; she wanted to know more, she wanted more of a response from him; but at the same time she was thankful that he was giving her the truth without following it up with excuses.
“It’s complicated and it’s uncomplicated all at the same time,” Callie took a sip of her coffee to try and put some moisture back into her suddenly dry mouth, “I didn’t mean to freak out,” she made sure Troy’s eyes were reading hers; believing what she was saying before she continued, “I know without a doubt that I want her; that what we have is something special. I just…” Callie glanced at him again; taking in how he looked lost inside his own head, and she suddenly wasn’t sure if he was actually listening to her at all, “I’m don’t know if I’m gay; I wasn’t thinking about it before, when it was just the two of us in our little bubble…but now everyone wants me to define it and I’m having some kind of inner conflict because I can’t for the life of me figure it out…I want to tell Erica that I’m sorry and that I didn’t mean to freeze at work and I want to talk to her about how I’m feeling but she’s shut me out and doesn’t want to hear it dammit!” Callie raised her voice a little and Troy looked up from his coffee cup to meet her gaze.
“Yes,” he repeated again; the same one word of truth; making Callie abruptly angry. Troy wasn’t helping her figure this out, he wasn’t giving her anything to work with; instead he just continued to sit there with his coffee; the same expression in his eyes as if he was reassuring her that this situation she was in, was in fact a mess.
“You're not helping me Troy! Why won't you help me figure this out?” Callie raised her voice; enough to know she wasn’t yelling but knowing it drew attention. She watched him for a split second and realized that Troy didn’t know her that well at all and that to him it might feel like she was yelling. Callie opened her mouth to say something but noticed that his expression hadn’t changed; he simply grasped his coffee from the table and leaned back in his chair, taking a sip.
“You haven't asked me anything yet,” Troy lifted one of his hands to his face and rubbed the stubble that had graced his cheeks, before leaning back on the table and holding brown eyes, “Erica's complicated. She's difficult, and she's damn right frustrating most of the time. So I get why you're feeling slightly angry Callie.”
Callie let out a sigh, “I know that she’s complicated Troy, I get that and I get that what I did doesn’t help at all,” she ran a hand through her hair, “But how can I try and fix it if she won’t let me in?”
“Look I know that you've seen bits of the real Erica,” Callie raised her eyebrows feeling confused as to what he was trying to tell her, “As opposed to her being Dr Hahn all the time I mean; I’ve seen you together so I know that she does relax into being herself.”
“When I first met her she was very much Dr Hahn; she was guarded and answered mostly in one word sentences. But when we became friends that all changed…the Dr Hahnness disappeared a little bit more each time we were together and soon I got to see her as just Erica.”
“Then you’ve been witness to the change; you know the difference. Which means you're lucky Callie because she's let you see Erica and not just Dr Hahn. And if you've seen Erica you know how amazing she is.”
“She's wonderful,” Callie replied smiling; picturing Erica in her head; images flashing into her mind of how she first met Dr Hahn in the basement and how after that fateful night of drinking and playing darts she became Erica; her best friend, her something more.
“Look, Erica has that thing; the devil on one shoulder and the angel on the other, but instead of them being her conscience, they’re more like two sides of the same thing,” Troy paused and watched Callie for a second; gauging her reaction. He worried his bottom lip between his teeth as he searched his brain for an easy way to explain it, “The devil is like one half of her personality; it's the professional side, it's Dr Hahn; who is a great surgeon, who is ruthless and distant but passionate,” Callie nodded her head, letting him know she understood what he was saying, “And the angel is the other half of her personality; it’s Erica; it’s her private life. It's the side she reserves for the selected few she calls her friends. It’s the sweet, caring, funny and warm side.”
“I love that side of her,” Callie gave him a small smile.
“And like I said Cal, you're lucky, really lucky that you're one of the few people she has let see that side of her...the Erica as well as the Dr Hahn....but it's not enough.”
Callie couldn’t speak, just as she thought that she understood what Troy was explaining to her she suddenly found herself being launched back into the middle of a jungle; forever trapped inside something she couldn’t figure out enough to escape.
Troy watched as she opened her mouth to respond but seemed lost for words, “What I mean is there's more to her...she's not just the devil and the angel...Dr Hahn...Erica; they are only bits of her; important parts but that's all they are; they're pieces of the puzzle that make her who she is.”
“What are you talking about?” Callie felt like he was trying to tell her something really simply and yet she couldn’t quite grasp it.
“I mean you've met Dr Hahn, and you've met Erica...But you’ve never met Erica Hahn,” He smiled warmly; his green eyes lighting up, “And Erica Hahn is the best part, the bit you want to see; need to see. Erica Hahn is a combination of all the elements that make her Dr Hahn and Erica. And Erica Hahn is confusing and frustrating and damaged; she has flaws, but my god she's beautiful, and I mean steal the breath away from you beautiful.”
Callie realized that she must look a little confused and shocked at what he was saying because Troy let out a little laugh and beamed a grin at her, “Callie I can guarantee that you're going to want to see Erica Hahn. But she's not going to just give it to you. You're going to have to be stubborn and patient and persistent and god damn fight her every step of the way. Because she is damaged, and she has separated herself into pieces, but it's because she doesn't want to let people in enough to hurt her, and if she's in pieces then they can only hurt a part of her,” Callie thought about Erica’s husband and realized that was the only thing she really knew about her past, “Erica has trust issues; they stem from her father, and she never talks about it…I was 9 years old when I met her and she was already closed off,” Callie felt her eyes brim with tears at the thought of Erica being so closed off to everyone around her at such a young age, “It took me years to get her to let me in and I had to prove time after time that I wasn’t going anywhere. She will let you Callie, I know because you’re the first person she actually wants to let in, its written all over those blue eyes of her,” he reached into his pocket and passed her a tissue for her tears, “But you need to make sure she can trust you, otherwise she’ll never let you closer than arms length Callie and you need to continually show her that you're not going anywhere, that you're here for the good and the bad, and then she will stop testing you. She will stop waiting for you to leave to prove herself right; she'll let you in, and you'll get to see all of her; you'll get to see Erica Hahn.”
Callie let out a deep breath; feeling as if the weight had been lifted from her shoulders only long enough for another one to be put in its place; she couldn’t decide whether the explanation Troy had given her had made her feel relieved or suffocated. Callie knew Troy must have read her reaction from her eyes because his smile has disappeared and he was looking at her intensely, “I told you Erica Hahn wasn’t easy, and that's why only a selected few ever really see her. But if you decide that you want to; that all the hurt and pain that you're feeling now is worth it; that she's worth it; then fight for her Callie. Make sure you damn well let her know that you're going to fight for her,” he rubbed a hand through his hair, “But if this is all to much; if the hurt is to much; and I know that it hurts like hell…then you should decide now to let the pieces of her that you already have go.”
Callie watched him lift his arm to his face and look down at his watch; brown eyes travelled over his shoulder and look at the clock on the wall, taking in the time; Erica would be finishing her surgery in ten minutes.
Troy’s sincere green eyes lock onto brown again, “You should go home Callie, don't watch her anymore tonight; you don't need to. Take what I’ve said to you and go home and think about it, and I mean really think about it; and then tomorrow once you’ve got it figured out in your head, you can begin from whatever one of those starting places you've decided, and take it from there.”
Callie stood as she watched him rise from his chair to leave; moving around the table so that she was standing opposite him. She felt like she wanted to pull him into a tight hug for what he had told her and at the same time she wanted to grab hold of him and beg him for more. Callie knew she was frozen to the spot again; her head was spinning with everything she’d just heard and her mouth couldn’t seem to find any words. She held his gaze hoping that her eyes would communicate everything she couldn’t in that moment.
Troy leaned in to place a kiss on her cheek as he pulled her into a hug, “I really hope you choose the right place to start from Callie,” whispered into her ear before he pulled back; giving her one last encouraging smile. He grabbed the handle to the door and walked out of the room.
Callie stared at the door long after Troy had gone; his words ringing in her ears.
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She look a deep breath as her brown eyes observed Erica at the nurses desk; trying to steady her nerves for what she was about to do. Troy had been wrong when he had told her that she needed to go home and really think things through; she didn’t need to think about it at all; she knew she wanted to be with Erica and if that meant people would identify her as gay, then so be it. If having that label meant she’d get to be happy; Callie was willing ready to have if stamped on her back.
Callie took a final deep breath and approached her; she nodded her head in greeting at Cristina and Meredith before leaning her hip against the side as she turned to Erica, “Hey.”
Erica didn’t lift her head from her chart as Callie’s voice reached her ears, “What can I do for you Dr Torres?”
“I know that you’re not talking to me; I get that. And I’m not asking you to,” Erica lifted her eyes to find Callie’s; a look of annoyance of her face, “I was a heartless bitch the other day and I should never have freaked out after I promised you we’d be okay; so I deserve for you to shut me out.”
“Dr Torres this isn’t the place for this conversation,” Erica narrowed her eyes at her.
“No, this is the place,” Callie looked over at Cristina and Meredith and then back to blue eyes, “I don’t care that they know; I don’t care if everyone knows. I’m crazy about you Erica,” she gave her a small smile, “And you might not want me to apologise and you might not want to let me back in. But I’m not going to let you give up on us; or on me because I made one stupid mistake. I could promise you that I’ll never hurt you again if you forgive me but I know my promises mean absolutely nothing to you at the moment. So I’m just letting you know that I’m not going anywhere; I’m here for the long run and I don’t care how long I have to fight to get you to let me back in; I’m never going to stop trying, you mean to damn much to me,” Callie watched the reaction in blue eyes for a second before stretching out her hand and offering the coffee she’d bought for her. When Erica didn’t take it Callie pushed the coffee gently into her grasp; their skin grazing as she did so. Lush deep blue eyes stared back at her and Callie knew in that moment she’d chosen the right place to start from.
Erica’s expression stayed neutral as she tightened her hand around the cup of coffee; Callie was still looking at her; not as if she was waiting for a response but more like she was pledging her every word and preparing herself for the intense battle she was about to embark on.
Callie watched as Erica pulled her eyes away from her gaze and grabbed up the chart she needed before telling Cristina and Meredith to follow her. Erica might not have spoken a single word to her; or reached out to ensure her that she’d heard everything she’d said but at least she’d taken the coffee with her, and Callie was more than happy to take that small gesture as a tiny silent victory.
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Troy studied Erica’s expression as she let herself into his apartment; hanging her coat up before flopping down next to him on the couch. He lifted his arm to wrap it around her shoulders; feeling her snuggle into his side.
Erica let out a deep sigh, “Callie tried to talk to me again today.”
“What’d she say?” Troy kept his eyes straight ahead not wanting her to have a reason to take back the admission she was about to share.
“She said she was going to fight for our relationship,” Erica shut her eyes and let her hand find Troy’s; needing his comforting grip.
“That’s good right? You want to forgive her don’t you?”
Erica opened her eyes and glanced up at his face before turning back to face forward, “I want to forgive her…I just don’t know if I can...I don’t know if I can open myself up again.”
“Callie’s human E, she made a mistake but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t care about you. You should give her a second chance,” Troy turned his head to look at her; letting his green eyes meet blue.
“I can’t…”
“You can; and more than that you want to,” he gave her a small smile.
“I know I just…I can’t…I…” she looked away from his eyes; hating how he could read her so easily.
“Why won't you let her in E? You can’t just shut her out like this; are you afraid that she'll hurt you?”
“I'm not afraid that she'll hurt me,” she paused and let out a shaky breath, “I'm afraid that she won't,” she lifted her eyes to his, “I'm afraid that she might be the one.....and that scares me more than anything.”
Troy sat forward and lifted his hand to cup her face; tears flooding her fragile blue eyes, “Erica…” he used the pad of his thumb to wipe away the tears escaping down her cheeks, “If you feel that strongly about Callie you should take the risk and let her in. Sometimes you have to learn to fall without wings and trust blindly that there's someone waiting there to catch you; love is nothing without a little faith.”
Chapter 8 (Part Two) - http://thecon12.livejournal.com/6569.html