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non existant
I’ve ruined my ability to be alone. It wasn’t always this bad and in fact, when I was younger I actually liked to be by myself. I enjoyed being in my room with the door closed, playing with a piece of string for hours or writing in my countless journals. Ever since living with Dad, have I never wanted to live by myself.
It’s not just because of Dad’ ( Read more... ) -
The Diagnosis Game
I was diagnosed with a panic disorder and major depressive disorder. I’m pretty sure everybody and their mother is diagnosed with depression. I know that both of these things are symptoms of having a nonverbal learning disability, but I guess they stand alone. The resident also said I might have symptoms of having borderline personality traits.
I ( Read more... ) -
The Beat
Music coming out of speakers doesn’t seem to be of the same kind as the direct line from ear plugs. There is something lost once it’s out in open air. As if all the dancing particles of sound are spinning at a distance from their partner. They are overwhelmed by the sensations of open space and their souls tug in different directions. When it’s all ( Read more... ) -
Trust
I wake up empty with a small feeling like it's just going to get worse. I'm just waiting and waiting until inevitably it's going to get worse. I can't understand what this feeling is about. I thought abilify was working, but now I'm not so sure. I don't feel so angry anymore, but I'm hopeless ( Read more... ) -
Stepping backward
I spoke too soon. Or maybe The Turn Around has happened, I just will continue to step back sometimes. Instead of completely falling apart, I just cried today. It seems that everyone can move so simply throughout the world. That people can inuitively stand on their own. My legs are weak after twenty minutes. People GET things that I don't and it's ( Read more... ) -
The turn around
I am starting to feel better. I think this medication is definitely helping in addition to changing a lot of lifestyle stuff. I don’t think I would have been able to change the lifestyle stuff if it weren’t for the medication. I get up early now (around five a.m.) and meditate before working on mechanical turk in bed. It’s a luxurious couple hours ( Read more... ) -
the disconnect
Back from class. I can't do it anymore I just dont think I can do it. I try really hard. I go to tutoring. I go to study groups. I study. I go to every class. I can't get it. I pray for D's. I just... I don't know what to do. This is the rest of my schooling? This is it? I remember people saying 'college isn't for everyone' all through out my ( Read more... ) -
Marketing Yourself
It is five thirty a.m. and I’ve been up since four. I can’t tell anymore if it’s the Abilify or if it’s that I’m excited to be finally working with Pete again. A Marketing Consultant. I wanted a title, and luckily he awarded me with one, but of course not without a lot of work. I doubt my ability to figure out the google adwords classes and program ( Read more... ) -
abilify?
It's been awhile since I've posted considering I'm usually very faithful. I've actually been in an inpatient facility for some major depression over the past week or so ( Read more... ) -
Working Identity
It will rain soon and I will be trapped again. Indoors with the walls closing on me. I have to make a plan - whenever I feel this way I need to remember my schedules. My hour by hour play by plays to keep sanity alive.
Today I will:
Wash sheets. Vacuum. Dust.
Study. Work.
Write.
Yoga and or walk.
Read
Have tea with a friend.
These things will keep me sane ( Read more... )