The odd thing about the "Imus Incident" is that he never singled out any ethnic group when he made his comments (calling the Rutgers women's basketball team "nappy-headed hos"). Is the Rutgers women's basketball team an ethnic group? Does being nappy-headed automatically mean you're black? Are there any nappy-headed white women? Can I be nappy- ( Read more... )

I bought a tie yesterday for this big event with my girlfriend. She graduated from college today. I don't like to wear ties. I thought I'd cheat and buy a clip-on. Every time the crowd applauded, it fell off. I got ripped off. It was a clap-on.

The ironic thing about the whole Anna Nicole Smith case is...now she'll lose more weight than she ever would have on TrimSpa.

Her: I love plants. They add so much life to an office. Are those real plants?

Him: No. They're fake.

Her: What kind are they?

Him: Implants.

I saw a show on the ten foods that can increase a woman's appetite for sex. I fed them to my girlfriend. Now she's a fat ass...and I don't want to touch her ( Read more... )

I was drunk when I got my driver's license picture taken...now I can drink and drive whenever I want...

I apologize for my comments. I never should have said you deserve to be gang-banged by Hitler youth. It was totally wrong of me to expose children to sexually-transmitted diseases like that...

Ever notice how some people cook stuff in the microwave, but take their food out before the time is up? Rather than hit reset, they just leave those seconds on the clock. I think God should subtract those seconds from that person's life.

When it comes to love, I get so lost. Sometimes days will pass and this emptiness fills my heart. It's at those times that I want to run away. I just drive off in my car. It's a new Mazda 3, zoom-zoom I go. When I do that I come back to the place you are. At some point, as I'm driving and enjoying the scenery and the open road, all my ( Read more... )

Years ago, I wrote my own version of a "Snakes on a Plane" movie. Only it was one snake...and I didn't call it "Snake on a Plane." I called it "Sneaky Bitch on a 747." The story goes something like this...My wife and I go on a trip to see my mother-in-whore. While boarding the plane, she catches the attention of the pilot. Scenes ensue in ( Read more... )