Anxiety, Work, and Sex Clubs
(crossposted from Tumblr)
Wow, so I haven't done this in awhile. A lot's been going on...enough to justify a cut at least.
The roommate situation has settled down; we found some pretty chill, reliable people to fill the rooms (after a nice little brief adventure with one guy who didn't pay his rent), and my only real complaint with them so far is that one of them likes to play his guitar a lot (he's good at the guitar, not so good at the singing). Could be a lot worse.
I've been seeing a psychiatrist for a month and a half now, and we've been making pretty good progress in at least identifying my problems. In all likelihood, I do not have bipolar disorder, which changes a lot about how I look at things as well as explaining why the mood stabilizer I was on didn't really help all that much. As of now, I've been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, social phobia, and dysthymia. I did bring up the possibility of autism with him, and we haven't ruled it out, but it'll take more time to sort that out.
My most pressing problem lately has been the anxiety. It got so bad that for a couple of weeks, I was having anxiety attacks every day before work--which more often than not resulted in me not going. When I did go, I had to medicate with Klonopin, and even then it mostly just turned me into an extremely jittery zombie. Eventually, I missed too much work and lost the assignment.
So now I'm back to being an unemployed housewife, only without the unemployment checks--so money's going to be a little tight, but it shouldn't be too bad with how we reconfigured the rent when the new roommates moved in. I'm also talking to my psychiatrist and therapist about the possibility of disability status, which would offer some income without me having to torture myself with a full-time job. I've got my fingers crossed on that, but it's a long process. We'll see what happens.
On the plus side, I have a lot more time to write. Finishing this latest DABB project was a pretty amazing feeling, and sorta left me feeling like I really could do the whole professional writer thing. I've been a little lost and unfocused since finishing, but that's something I've grown accustomed to after finishing a big project (even if I've never even attempted a project quite that huge before). I've got a few things planned for Femslash February, though, and I'm excited about those.
Some other things have been changing lately, too. Stuff that may or may not be SFW, and almost certainly are TMI. Consider yourself warned.
On New Year's Eve, Jessi and I started going to this sex club in SF. It's a really relaxed, laid-back, open atmosphere, and I've been surprised at just how comfortable I am there. I'd never have thought I'd be so...at ease with public sex, or even just walking around in a semi-public place half-dressed like I have. Funny enough, I'm more comfortable there than I am at the grocery store. It's just a very welcoming, safe environment, and I've lost a lot of what remained of my inhibitions about sex.
Last week we went to their sort of spiritual night, and ended up basically involved in a massive orgy. Everyone was just completely in the moment and all that mattered was pleasure. Toward the end of the night, one woman was riding her male partner, while this other guy on the same collection of beds braced his legs against her shoulders and his female companion braced herself between him and the wall with her feet on his back--all so the first woman could get a better angle. It was kinda amusing and hot and touching all at once. We ended up staying until closing, which isn't something we've done before--we usually get tired and notice the time and cut out around 2, but that night we hardly even noticed the passing of time. It was pretty awesome.
Another thing that's resulted from this is that I've come to realize I'm far more interested in men than I thought I was. Most nights that we're at the club we meet up with one of Jessi's FWB's (and I suppose mine, now, too) and generally have a lot of fun. Never too old to discover things about yourself, I suppose. I'm far less concerned about what I label myself now; I think my outlook is more like Isabela's now--sex is fun, and that's all that really matters.
Not the most conventional method of building confidence or social skills, but I've never been a conventional sort of person :P
Wow, so I haven't done this in awhile. A lot's been going on...enough to justify a cut at least.
The roommate situation has settled down; we found some pretty chill, reliable people to fill the rooms (after a nice little brief adventure with one guy who didn't pay his rent), and my only real complaint with them so far is that one of them likes to play his guitar a lot (he's good at the guitar, not so good at the singing). Could be a lot worse.
I've been seeing a psychiatrist for a month and a half now, and we've been making pretty good progress in at least identifying my problems. In all likelihood, I do not have bipolar disorder, which changes a lot about how I look at things as well as explaining why the mood stabilizer I was on didn't really help all that much. As of now, I've been diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder, social phobia, and dysthymia. I did bring up the possibility of autism with him, and we haven't ruled it out, but it'll take more time to sort that out.
My most pressing problem lately has been the anxiety. It got so bad that for a couple of weeks, I was having anxiety attacks every day before work--which more often than not resulted in me not going. When I did go, I had to medicate with Klonopin, and even then it mostly just turned me into an extremely jittery zombie. Eventually, I missed too much work and lost the assignment.
So now I'm back to being an unemployed housewife, only without the unemployment checks--so money's going to be a little tight, but it shouldn't be too bad with how we reconfigured the rent when the new roommates moved in. I'm also talking to my psychiatrist and therapist about the possibility of disability status, which would offer some income without me having to torture myself with a full-time job. I've got my fingers crossed on that, but it's a long process. We'll see what happens.
On the plus side, I have a lot more time to write. Finishing this latest DABB project was a pretty amazing feeling, and sorta left me feeling like I really could do the whole professional writer thing. I've been a little lost and unfocused since finishing, but that's something I've grown accustomed to after finishing a big project (even if I've never even attempted a project quite that huge before). I've got a few things planned for Femslash February, though, and I'm excited about those.
Some other things have been changing lately, too. Stuff that may or may not be SFW, and almost certainly are TMI. Consider yourself warned.
On New Year's Eve, Jessi and I started going to this sex club in SF. It's a really relaxed, laid-back, open atmosphere, and I've been surprised at just how comfortable I am there. I'd never have thought I'd be so...at ease with public sex, or even just walking around in a semi-public place half-dressed like I have. Funny enough, I'm more comfortable there than I am at the grocery store. It's just a very welcoming, safe environment, and I've lost a lot of what remained of my inhibitions about sex.
Last week we went to their sort of spiritual night, and ended up basically involved in a massive orgy. Everyone was just completely in the moment and all that mattered was pleasure. Toward the end of the night, one woman was riding her male partner, while this other guy on the same collection of beds braced his legs against her shoulders and his female companion braced herself between him and the wall with her feet on his back--all so the first woman could get a better angle. It was kinda amusing and hot and touching all at once. We ended up staying until closing, which isn't something we've done before--we usually get tired and notice the time and cut out around 2, but that night we hardly even noticed the passing of time. It was pretty awesome.
Another thing that's resulted from this is that I've come to realize I'm far more interested in men than I thought I was. Most nights that we're at the club we meet up with one of Jessi's FWB's (and I suppose mine, now, too) and generally have a lot of fun. Never too old to discover things about yourself, I suppose. I'm far less concerned about what I label myself now; I think my outlook is more like Isabela's now--sex is fun, and that's all that really matters.
Not the most conventional method of building confidence or social skills, but I've never been a conventional sort of person :P