the city in a gray-blue haze
This one's been a long time coming. Hopefully there won't be too much disappointment...
I think for the first time in a while, I'm having the chance to take a breath now that there's a break from school, things have become a lot more favorable at work once the department transfer went underway, and now a good about of the paperwork nightmare has been taken care of. In a way, you'd think perhaps with the new potential stressors of having two upcoming events to deal with, things might continue with the regular amounts of anxiety I've become accustomed to, must in the ways most are used to be perked up with caffeine throughout the day. However, the only main worry is making sure the money that I've saved up to help ease my way into October, when the disbursements for school resume. Work is moving in my favor, where I have the choice of moving between both departments until I hit 25 hours a week, enough to get by moderately ok. On top of this, my lease will be up and I'll be able to do a month-to-month arrangement, meaning I can move at my leisure. I'm in a fairly stable relationship and for once, I can breathe and start paying attention to the inner voice who's had to take a back seat for nearly two years now, uttering the same near-prophetic phrase that my conscious mind has not wanted to confront completely. And to put it bluntly, it's basically that I simply do not like living in Portland. Or rather, it's the current zeitgeist that has concentrated itself the way it has in this particular city granted I'm well aware that the things I dislike about Portland are almost universal. But even acknowledging that, there's still no denying that this city's, er, "naive charm" has worn off a long time ago and that if it wasn't for school and the fact that I can't just up and go as easily anymore, I probably would've have called it a day a long time ago before making some of the decisions I have. Serendipity's sense of humor is almost as twisted as fortune's.
Having dealt with the university, dealing with the department faculties themselves has been a lot easier than dealing with the admissions and the business ends of it. I have yet to deal with the Psychology dept. faculty just yet but it's hinted that after I demonstrate myself in their programs, I should be looking to them for clues on to where my next job will be, provided things with the Russian department don't happen first. To clarify, I've been nearly done with my psychology BA for some time now and the only reason why it hasn't been finished has been due to a lot of technicalities, mostly the second language requirements, the rest of my requirements having to be taken in sequence, etc. With the tacking on of another major, namely with the second language, I've thus extended by graduating date to somewhere in 2012. If I were to take the usual route, I could graduate with a basic understanding of the grammatical parts of the language but since I intend to be using the language in the field and potentially in my line of work (since more than likely, it looks to be that I'll be training as a social worker of some kind), more might be required to get to the level where I can actually work. As fortune would have it, I'm learning an in-demand language at one of the four universities in the US that offers Flagship programs, which are similar to study-abroad programs in that I'm basically trained to a particular point of proficiency, and then I'm sent off to Russia to study from anywhere to a summer to an entire year.
A year ago, I might have turned something like this down, particularly when Mish had asked whether or not I'd be willing to move to Eugene or Seattle if it got to the point that I'd continue on to graduate school. More recently, I felt somewhat bad, even guilty, when it was clear that I'd be less... hesitant to do something like that. It isn't set in stone yet and there's no telling what will happen, but after talking it over with Chlapce, I basically came to the conclusion that if the gods decree that I should go to Russia, St. Petersburg specifically (the only part of Russia I can imagine myself being in), then I shall go to St. Petersburg. What I was afraid of was what that would mean between us, provided things continue to the point of when this will happen (2012 more than likely) and because I didn't want escapism to be the primary impetus for making that kind of a decision. A bit of soul-searching and talking it out later, we figured it might be the best thing for me and I've decided that, perhaps after school starts in the fall, depending on how everything goes, I'll apply into the program and basically move through it (the only difference is that they will be setting my schedule, as I'll be training to meet the proficiency needed to get around on my own) knowing if it happens, it will happen and if it doesn't, I won't be too disappointed. So there is the possibility that, and especially if the scholarship stuff goes through, I may just up and head to St. Petersburg for awhile. It won't be permanent (due to the continuing tensions between the US and Russia) and I'd probably be returning to Portland (to work or continue to grad school) but it might be something that I need since the "cultural" part of the city has made it clear that I won't be able to survive or do anything on my terms. And that goes into the other end of what has been depressing me for these couple of years.
Perhaps the most difficult thing to except is that what I love to do will not necessarily manifest itself into a career and that it will have, due to my luck and the circumstances, continue to be a hobby. There is a certain freedom to that, meaning I will never have to feel pressured to cater to any other whims than my own, but I will have to be content that I may have to become more of the interpreter-psychologist than the artist I've always wanted to be. I've been coming to the conclusion that because things can never be problem-free, perhaps the best situations are the ones where we can choose the problems we deal with and that trying to juggle a career with a passionate hobby like that might be an "ideal predicament" in some way. But the fact of the matter is that, if savvy is more emphasized in being able to make a name for oneself rather than the actual product someone produces and that I'm only in touch with my own personal vision and tastes of how things ought to be aesthetically in a climate that requires not only a mirroring of trends but a mirroring of whoever is around and available, I will always been doomed to fail. This is because the only way to overcome these is 1) money, and 2) being in the right place and the right time and, for the time being, I have neither of these. However, this doesn't mean that I won't stop putting together music and that I won't stop performing; obviously, when the opportunities present themselves, I'll be more than willing to take them up, as what is being demonstrated this August with the Incubator show and in September when I go perform in Omaha with Matt's band. I will simply have to content with obscurity and that what I do is probably the equivalent to those folks who build ships in bottles or some similar gratifying busywork. And I'm content in this because I have other things to pursue and look forward to and perhaps a summer in St. Petersburg will be just that.
Another interesting irony is that I'm feeling compelled to write, or rather, I think I might actually have something to write about rather than just trying. However, I'm not sure where to start or when to start but I know I may just and I might actually finish something that could be worth reading, or at least something I feel would be worth reading. But for starters, I should get back into writing and playing music regularly. Dan and I have been practicing a handful of my songs, mostly taking things slowly as we get back into habits we fell out of (we'll be meeting up tonight) and the events coming up are an ideal starting point. A couple of the songs need to be reconstructed and I do have all the pieces for that granted my matchbox is still fairly cramped. But the nice thing now is that I know what I'm doing and I've practiced enough where I know that if I tell myself "I'm going to write something today," I can actually set out and do just that. Once upon a time, I would have dismissed that as sounding too technical and too much like a craftsman, needing a necessary element of spontaneity, "inspiration" as it were. However, I've been inspired for a very long time. I know EXACTLY what it is I'd like to do. The problem has always been that I've never been sure exactly how, despite the fact that after doing this for more than five years, I kinda do. And if we could walk out of the Professional Music Program with projects that are supposedly some of the best, according to the instructors and the technicians, things we dismissed due to self-deprecation and the lack of effort on other students' parts but slowly realizing that isn't the case, that does say something and it doesn't necessarily matter if others don't notice it. It was amazing to me to buy albums and know not only how they were constructed, but the knowledge that not only could I do that, but it was amazing to realize that I could produce something at that level even. That, in of itself, should be enough. Pop albums with their expensive, fancy productions were no longer so threatening because we knew what exactly went into them by listening to it and it wasn't any surprise that much of it was inflated business. But no matter. It's mostly irrelevant.
So indeed, onward ever onward. Now I must figure out how to get ready for tonight's practice with Dan while figuring out with Matt and Didi what it is we'll be doing when we get to Omaha. Oh, funny it is how these things work out..."
I think for the first time in a while, I'm having the chance to take a breath now that there's a break from school, things have become a lot more favorable at work once the department transfer went underway, and now a good about of the paperwork nightmare has been taken care of. In a way, you'd think perhaps with the new potential stressors of having two upcoming events to deal with, things might continue with the regular amounts of anxiety I've become accustomed to, must in the ways most are used to be perked up with caffeine throughout the day. However, the only main worry is making sure the money that I've saved up to help ease my way into October, when the disbursements for school resume. Work is moving in my favor, where I have the choice of moving between both departments until I hit 25 hours a week, enough to get by moderately ok. On top of this, my lease will be up and I'll be able to do a month-to-month arrangement, meaning I can move at my leisure. I'm in a fairly stable relationship and for once, I can breathe and start paying attention to the inner voice who's had to take a back seat for nearly two years now, uttering the same near-prophetic phrase that my conscious mind has not wanted to confront completely. And to put it bluntly, it's basically that I simply do not like living in Portland. Or rather, it's the current zeitgeist that has concentrated itself the way it has in this particular city granted I'm well aware that the things I dislike about Portland are almost universal. But even acknowledging that, there's still no denying that this city's, er, "naive charm" has worn off a long time ago and that if it wasn't for school and the fact that I can't just up and go as easily anymore, I probably would've have called it a day a long time ago before making some of the decisions I have. Serendipity's sense of humor is almost as twisted as fortune's.
Having dealt with the university, dealing with the department faculties themselves has been a lot easier than dealing with the admissions and the business ends of it. I have yet to deal with the Psychology dept. faculty just yet but it's hinted that after I demonstrate myself in their programs, I should be looking to them for clues on to where my next job will be, provided things with the Russian department don't happen first. To clarify, I've been nearly done with my psychology BA for some time now and the only reason why it hasn't been finished has been due to a lot of technicalities, mostly the second language requirements, the rest of my requirements having to be taken in sequence, etc. With the tacking on of another major, namely with the second language, I've thus extended by graduating date to somewhere in 2012. If I were to take the usual route, I could graduate with a basic understanding of the grammatical parts of the language but since I intend to be using the language in the field and potentially in my line of work (since more than likely, it looks to be that I'll be training as a social worker of some kind), more might be required to get to the level where I can actually work. As fortune would have it, I'm learning an in-demand language at one of the four universities in the US that offers Flagship programs, which are similar to study-abroad programs in that I'm basically trained to a particular point of proficiency, and then I'm sent off to Russia to study from anywhere to a summer to an entire year.
A year ago, I might have turned something like this down, particularly when Mish had asked whether or not I'd be willing to move to Eugene or Seattle if it got to the point that I'd continue on to graduate school. More recently, I felt somewhat bad, even guilty, when it was clear that I'd be less... hesitant to do something like that. It isn't set in stone yet and there's no telling what will happen, but after talking it over with Chlapce, I basically came to the conclusion that if the gods decree that I should go to Russia, St. Petersburg specifically (the only part of Russia I can imagine myself being in), then I shall go to St. Petersburg. What I was afraid of was what that would mean between us, provided things continue to the point of when this will happen (2012 more than likely) and because I didn't want escapism to be the primary impetus for making that kind of a decision. A bit of soul-searching and talking it out later, we figured it might be the best thing for me and I've decided that, perhaps after school starts in the fall, depending on how everything goes, I'll apply into the program and basically move through it (the only difference is that they will be setting my schedule, as I'll be training to meet the proficiency needed to get around on my own) knowing if it happens, it will happen and if it doesn't, I won't be too disappointed. So there is the possibility that, and especially if the scholarship stuff goes through, I may just up and head to St. Petersburg for awhile. It won't be permanent (due to the continuing tensions between the US and Russia) and I'd probably be returning to Portland (to work or continue to grad school) but it might be something that I need since the "cultural" part of the city has made it clear that I won't be able to survive or do anything on my terms. And that goes into the other end of what has been depressing me for these couple of years.
Perhaps the most difficult thing to except is that what I love to do will not necessarily manifest itself into a career and that it will have, due to my luck and the circumstances, continue to be a hobby. There is a certain freedom to that, meaning I will never have to feel pressured to cater to any other whims than my own, but I will have to be content that I may have to become more of the interpreter-psychologist than the artist I've always wanted to be. I've been coming to the conclusion that because things can never be problem-free, perhaps the best situations are the ones where we can choose the problems we deal with and that trying to juggle a career with a passionate hobby like that might be an "ideal predicament" in some way. But the fact of the matter is that, if savvy is more emphasized in being able to make a name for oneself rather than the actual product someone produces and that I'm only in touch with my own personal vision and tastes of how things ought to be aesthetically in a climate that requires not only a mirroring of trends but a mirroring of whoever is around and available, I will always been doomed to fail. This is because the only way to overcome these is 1) money, and 2) being in the right place and the right time and, for the time being, I have neither of these. However, this doesn't mean that I won't stop putting together music and that I won't stop performing; obviously, when the opportunities present themselves, I'll be more than willing to take them up, as what is being demonstrated this August with the Incubator show and in September when I go perform in Omaha with Matt's band. I will simply have to content with obscurity and that what I do is probably the equivalent to those folks who build ships in bottles or some similar gratifying busywork. And I'm content in this because I have other things to pursue and look forward to and perhaps a summer in St. Petersburg will be just that.
Another interesting irony is that I'm feeling compelled to write, or rather, I think I might actually have something to write about rather than just trying. However, I'm not sure where to start or when to start but I know I may just and I might actually finish something that could be worth reading, or at least something I feel would be worth reading. But for starters, I should get back into writing and playing music regularly. Dan and I have been practicing a handful of my songs, mostly taking things slowly as we get back into habits we fell out of (we'll be meeting up tonight) and the events coming up are an ideal starting point. A couple of the songs need to be reconstructed and I do have all the pieces for that granted my matchbox is still fairly cramped. But the nice thing now is that I know what I'm doing and I've practiced enough where I know that if I tell myself "I'm going to write something today," I can actually set out and do just that. Once upon a time, I would have dismissed that as sounding too technical and too much like a craftsman, needing a necessary element of spontaneity, "inspiration" as it were. However, I've been inspired for a very long time. I know EXACTLY what it is I'd like to do. The problem has always been that I've never been sure exactly how, despite the fact that after doing this for more than five years, I kinda do. And if we could walk out of the Professional Music Program with projects that are supposedly some of the best, according to the instructors and the technicians, things we dismissed due to self-deprecation and the lack of effort on other students' parts but slowly realizing that isn't the case, that does say something and it doesn't necessarily matter if others don't notice it. It was amazing to me to buy albums and know not only how they were constructed, but the knowledge that not only could I do that, but it was amazing to realize that I could produce something at that level even. That, in of itself, should be enough. Pop albums with their expensive, fancy productions were no longer so threatening because we knew what exactly went into them by listening to it and it wasn't any surprise that much of it was inflated business. But no matter. It's mostly irrelevant.
So indeed, onward ever onward. Now I must figure out how to get ready for tonight's practice with Dan while figuring out with Matt and Didi what it is we'll be doing when we get to Omaha. Oh, funny it is how these things work out..."