And I won't be denied by you, the animal inside of you
...+1 girlfriend. Good job, Draco.
So...what exactly does all of this mean? I'm not sure, but I suppose I'll find out. Caroline and I, I suppose, are more alike than I'd imagined, seeing how both of us weren't willing to divulge the desire to be in a relationship.
Though honestly...who were we trying to kid? I've wanted her. I've always wanted her, ever since--well, perhaps not ever since I met her, but ever since she kissed me back in...hell, when was it? Shortly after my birthday, right after that draft...right after I was without my magic and she had to protect me.
She keeps doing that, I've noticed. This is the second time I've had to drink her blood in order to heal myself. Granted, this time was a matter of life or death, but the principle still applies.
So for my own reference, here's a timeline. With some help from Luceti's supplied journal. Sometimes I really hate that the damn thing records everything forever.
March 11th: The first time I met her. Over the journals.
June 5th: The only reason I remember this date is because it was my birthday and it was the first time I ever saw her in person. You don't just forget about a girl with blood all over and a heart in her hand. ...no really, she was holding one of the Third Party members' heart in her hand. I had to drink her blood. Not my favorite experience. Ever.
June...7thish: She kissed me.
There's a problem with this, you see. The problem being that technically? I was still "dating" Harry. Yes, that Harry. Harry bleeding Potter. At that point in time, I didn't even have the excuse that Harry was gone. I willingly and knowingly betrayed him because of a pretty girl with shiny blonde hair.
On the other hand, Caroline's a very good kisser. I think that's the other thing that compelled me to gravitate toward her.
And then...Harry left. I'm not entirely sure when, sometime near the end of August. One day he was there, and the next he was gone. Just like everyone else. Just like Luna. Just like Hermione. Just like Myuria and Longbottom and everyone else who leaves this stupid place.
And yet...it didn't hurt as much as when Myuria left or when Hermione left. Was it because I was already out of love with Harry and in love with Caroline? I don't know, why the hell are you asking me something like that?
Here's my real question; does that qualify me as being genuinely attracted to men as well, or was Harry a fluke? Think about it this way. First there was Pansy, then there was Harry, and now Caroline. Two of them had black hair and green eyes; she doesn't. Caroline, as a whole, is almost Harry's complete opposite which itself is interesting.
In case you haven't heard, my girlfriend's a vampire.
...why am I writing this as though someone's actually reading it? I'm writing it for myself. I'm writing so I don't completely lose my mind.
She's a vampire. Dangerous, blood-sucking monster. And yet I'm not worried. I know she has self-control and I know she's still...normal, somehow. And yes, I'm still entirely pissed off that Hisoka threatened to kill her. Arsehole.
She's got her own burdens to bear, and yet somehow she manages to be optimistic and I guess the word I want is playful. It's different than it was with Harry. With Harry I guess there was always an underlying sense of competition. What do you expect? He was my "rival" since I was eleven years old, and honestly I think I fell into it with him because I finally got what I wanted. I finally got to be Harry Potter's friend; Harry Potter trusted me and wanted to spend time with me, and I was so pathetic enough and so shallow enough and so broken enough when I first came here that I ate it up.
I resorted to being that eleven year old that just wanted to...I don't even know what I wanted anymore.
Hell. I've been here over two years now and it still frightens me a little just how much I've changed. I'm afraid to go back to how I was, but I refuse to acknowledge that I'm not who I was. Contradictory, isn't it?
Of course with Caroline it's a little bit easier. It's a little bit easier to trade wits with her and laugh and actually relax. I'm not being guilted about the war at home, I'm not being guilted about things I've done, things I do and things I will do by circumstance. She knows about the Mark. She knows what it means and she's still seemingly okay with that. That's all I can ask for. With Harry it was very...
...I remember one of the last fights we had. It was like...a few months before he left, I think, and I had locked him out of part of an entry I had. He was very, very angry with me. When wasn't he? It was right after a Shift in which I thought Muraki was my father. Do you know who Muraki is? It doesn't matter, he's gone now, but just know that if he comes back I'm going to kill him. Anyway, I created a filter because I needed to gather my thoughts and I couldn't find this journal at the time. Harry was upset that I had a filter up...
Essentially? He was upset that I wasn't willing to absolutely open up and share every little detail with him, and you know what? I'm not sorry. I can't be sorry for something like that because of things he had taught me in the first place. Loyalty and friendship and all that Gryffindor crock? I have that with certain people which means I'm not willing to betray them even if it means blocking out people that are close to me.
I don't think he liked that much. And I think that's about the time that I realized that I just...couldn't do it anymore.
Let's go back to that timeline before I continue that tangent.
July 21st: Dawn Summers' birthday party. Pretty sure I kissed her that night, too. I don't quite remember.
July 31st: Harry's birthday.
August 21stish: Harry disappeared.
September 5th or 6th: Hisoka threatened to kill Caroline.
September 14th: I shagged her.
Okay. So we've arrived at this point.
Let it be known that a.) I was slightly terrified and b.) I highly doubt I've ever been that sexually attracted to anyone. Do vampires have certain pheromones? I should look into that. I'm not new to fooling around with people. I...well, I was dating Pansy for a few years, and even in the timeframe I was dating Harry we at least did just about everything except for shagging.
And why is that?
A.) I was absolutely terrified and b.) I didn't know what to do with myself.
I think part was it was the fact that it was the Chosen One. I didn't want to be responsible for taking his virginity, inadvertently breaking him and then the whole wizarding world jumps down my throat. Good job, Malfoy, you've made him a ponce. That, and I suppose I feared giving him that sort of power. I think Harry knew I didn't trust him 100%. Especially not with myself. I wasn't about to give myself up like that and let him dominate me. And he wouldn't let me do the same, and so...it just never happened.
I think it irritated him, a bit, but I was a coward.
I've always been a coward. I hate to admit it. I hate to admit that I'm nineteen years old and I still try to run away from my problems.
With Caroline, I think it happened faster than I could register and I just went with it. It just...felt...well, good first of all. Of course it felt good, that's not a question. But it was just...I can't wax poetry or whatever crap people do after they've gone that far, but all I can think is that I think this is how it needed to happen. It needed to happen with someone who a.) didn't worship me and cling to me and b.) didn't overpower me and scare me.
You would think she would scare me. Her fangs...her eyes. When Caroline changes...it's kind of horrifying and I suppose I should be far more afraid than I am. But I'm not. Why not? Why is it that she can be straddling me with her fangs drawn, eyes dark and ready to rip my flesh off and I don't even move?
It might be easier to blame the Dark Lord.
I've seen too many things. I think I may have been traumatized during my Sixth Year. Did you know that nightmares can still plague you years later? I didn't. I'm too used to nightmares and monsters that knowing there's something genuine under all of that makes it easier.
...she's quite lovely, you know. Caroline is. I seem to attract all of the dead people...dead best friend, dead girlfriend...but...
...she's quirky, in a way. She freaks out easily, she's catty, and I think she gets far too much joy out of teasing me. But she's tough. She can hold her own.
...she's told me things. About Damon, about Katherine. If they ever come back I'll kill them, too. How dare they. I might be all talk but...I really do wonder if I could murder someone like them.
When I first came to Luceti, I couldn't stomach the thought of killing someone. Dumbledore's death...the mission I failed...it was way too fresh in my mind to comprehend. But then of course there were the drafts and the Third Party invasion and I had to. I had to kill or be killed, and I think I became stronger because of that.
I don't know if I can call myself Lucius Malfoy's son anymore.
She respects that. She respects a majority of the things about me, and if she doesn't, she's hiding it well so far.
So.
If I shagged her in September, and I didn't officially decide to date her in October, what was the stalling for? Better question, what about my relationship with Harry?
...I feel like perhaps I should feel a bit more guilty that my relationship with Caroline right now is circling around one big lie. I know it's going to blow up in my face just like everything else does at one time or another, but I have to keep the charade up.
I think I'm afraid of what she'll interpret that as for herself. Somehow I've a feeling she wouldn't take too kindly to being the Other Woman.
What can I say though? "I fell out of "love" with my boyfriend and fell in "love" with you"? I doubt that would work.
Harry was kidnapped for a month...and I honestly thought he wasn't coming back. Without him around though I had time to think. I had time to think and analyze and I have to ask myself...
Was it love, or strong admiration?
I'm leaning toward the latter. I could never see myself with Potter long-term. Hell, I barely see myself alive long-term when I get home. I can't just...
I keep living a lie. I tell people I'm trying to find a way back but let's face it, I'm not. I don't want to go back. I'm terrified of what's waiting, terrified of the Manor, terrified of watching my aunt cut into Hermione's skin, terrified of going head-to-head with Potter, and I just...
I'm happier here. I have real friends, I have people that seemingly understand. Is this what I've been missing? Clearly.
So. I was working under the assumption Harry was never coming back and I mentally talked myself down and out of it. I ended it.
But he came back.
And then...a month later...he left. He was kidnapped for a month, here for a month, and then disappeared into thin air. So much for stability. Well. I'm one of the least stable people I know anyway.
So there was that. The next delay...
Here's a shocker. This just in, Draco overanalyzes everything!
I thought it to death and back, no pun intended. I thought of the possibilities, I made lists of pros and cons, I gave myself pep-talks.
And then...I talked to Ginia. It astounds me how well she seems to understand my thoughts even when I don't. Let me reiterate.
"When I met Caroline, I was still in my other relationship. I didn't anticipate that I'd start to enjoy her company, much less ever start to feel whatever this is for her. I also didn't anticipate her reciprocating, and I most certainly didn't anticipate her kissing me and me continuing to cheat on my boyfriend.
That's part of it. The other part is that I'm busy fooling around with a vampire. A genuine vampire, fangs and everything. I've seen her fangs, I've seen her rip things apart, I've drank her blood before. ...healing properties. It's a long story.
And...recently things went a little further than I'd ever planned, but I liked it and she did as well. I don't want to toy with the idea I may love her because the last time I thought I loved someone it turned out to some sort of fucked up sense of admiration, but at the same time I don't want her to disappear. I want to continue what I have going with her, I think.
Granted, my best mate found her after I confided in him about her affliction and he threatened to kill her for what she was. I haven't told him what's happened with her yet. Just like I haven't told her about the fact I was with someone when I started seeing her. And I think that may be why we aren't calling it anything. It's not a relationship, it's just...a thing. She's had some bad affairs as well.
Granted she's gone. Kidnapped, and I hope that's it, and it's only been a week and if she doesn't come back soon I'm going to possibly kill someone. I'm not sure what that means either.
And I don't know why I've just told you all of that...but I won't apologize."
What day was that...October 2nd. A week ago.
Perhaps Ginia understood simply because she was going in her own circles with Giles. I haven't met the man, not really. I know who he is, and I met him while he was wearing a suit of armor, but I've never actually really spoken to him. The point is? She cared for him. He cared for her. But they weren't together. I say weren't because hell, I don't know what's happened in the last week. This is the first time I've really been conscious since then.
Suppose she was afraid, too. Love's scary. That sounds so childish, like it's a monster in the closet waiting to come out and eat me alive. It might eat me alive.
But she said she had plans to talk things out with him and I knew I had to talk to Caroline...eventually.
Granted, I didn't get to think much on it because of Harth delivering a blunt blow to my head with a rock, but. The messages are still there. The advice is still there. Ginia's still there. Thusfar she's stable as well.
Stability. I think I crave stability.
I think that's why Hermione's departure the first time hit as hard as it did. I've never quite given myself the proper time to grieve that, though it may be knowing that I'll see her at home. We'll just be on different sides...and when she came back without remembering, it hurt and I refused to get close again. Could be another reason I didn't want to get close to Caroline.
People. Always. Leave.
At this point, I think Hisoka's the one friend I've had the longest who has been the most stable. He's a whole other story. He's the whole reason Harth decided to use me as a chewtoy and to terrorize Hisoka and render him useless in a coma-like state. ...he's still like that, you know. A week later.
I'm hoping I didn't break him. I couldn't block well enough, he was picking up on the pain and he just...shut down.
I was staying with Tsuzuki and Hisoka for a week. Link was around, too. I guess. But I don't care about Link, I really don't. Tsuzuki was doing his best to keep Hisoka alert but it wasn't really working...
Caroline was kidnapped a week or so prior to Harth's attack. She returned a week after, and she immediately came to collect me.
Is it odd to be pleased someone else cares that much? I'm rather used to it, but this is different.
It's odd how she and Hisoka have the same goal in mind but they can't stand each other. They both want me alive. They both want each other dead.
It's a problem I'll deal with later.
I want it all to make sense, but I've come to realize I can't force it to make sense. I can't rationalize everything, and I can't overanalyze everything. I just have to...live, I suppose. I'm allowed to do that now.
It's almost like I'm fourteen again, before the world went to the dogs, before Dad Father Dad Father was incarcerated, before I took the Mark.
I'm happy. I'm...genuinely happy.
So thank you, Caroline. Thank you Ginia, thank you Hisoka despite the fact I'm still a bit angry with you, thank you...no, I refuse to thank Luceti. Despite being a product of my environment, I refuse to give this place credit. Instead, have a list.
Things I like about her:
1.) Everything
2.) ...the fangs. That makes me sick, doesn't it?
...I vaguely have to wonder what my family would say if they ever knew. Father would be furious...Mother I believe would at least love me enough not to disown me like Andromeda.
Sometimes? My mind scares me. My world's expanding and I'm not sure I'm ready to expand with it. Two years later and you'd think this would be old hat but...new things keep popping up.
Here's to stability. Here's to a chance at something happy. Here's to a girl I can't stop thinking about, and that alone tells me something.
...when the hell did the sun come up? Another day alive, and another day to learn from.
I'm ready for it.