What you show to other eyes
She's entwined in me,
crazy as can be, yeah,
but she's alright with me.
--Counting Crows, Mercury.
So. I find myself this fall in the strangest of all possible places. As many of you know, I am teaching, and have not really taken to it. This is not a huge surprise; I'm having a good bit of trouble reckoning with the cultural expectations of EVERYONE I MEET, or almost all of them, in teaching. An exchange I had this month:
My mentor teacher (and head of the English Department): So, what thematic link can we go with for The Crucible?
Me: Well, I've always understood the play to be Miller's critique of McCarthyism.. Not sure how that would fly with student's, of course.
(My mentor teacher blankly stares at me)
Me: (Considering that 11th grade themes include American Moral Foundations) But then.. there's always the theme of religious freedom. (A pause. There is an awkward silence) I mean, with the whole Salem Witch Trials story..
My mentor teacher: Uh.. Yeah, I guess you're free to be a witch, or whatever.
Dude. I thought EVERYONE thought of the Salem Witch Trials as a black spot on the history of the U.S. where religious tolerance, supposedly one of the pillars of our nation (You know, what with the whole Bill of Rights, and all), is generally believed to be a good thing. I mean, even if you are ignorant enough to think that witches are only a figment of the puritan imagination, that's your business. But still.
So I'm fighting off many things, including depression, because I get worried and scared that my soul and heart are being eaten up in this place. I am frightened because many of the things I have come to love about myself are in no way useful to this job, and I suppose I am unnecessarily worried that I will lose them. For (very silly) example: Valentines. I love giving valentines, and will in no way be giving valentines to my fellow teachers; no one has that sense of affection for little graces that I try with such gestures to call upon.
I am trying to make it a task of karma yoga. The only problem there is that I have yet to see the face of the goddess or the divine in the work that I'm doing at my school. I think I may not be looking hard enough or have been too easily discouraged by the intensity of the backbiting and self-perpetuating stress of my colleagues. I don't get that; life is hard enough, why be mean to each other? Why kill yourself with more responsibility than you actually have? So maybe the task is just keeping my head, staying tolerant and calm, and giving (always) in love. Dunno.
The wedding in California was beautiful. We rode up the 1 and my compatriots got vertigo. I do not have this problem but am prone to the fearing for my life problem if I look too long over the edge -- as if turning my head too far will cause the car to lose its sense of balance.
Soon, after I've had my brakes fixed, I will get new knitting needles, and will get started on socks again. This will help.
This week:
Monday - Staff meeting and grading DLW Quizzes.
Tuesday - Meeting at Smile 5-8 (Blue lighter training).
Wednesday - STI Meeting at school during 1/2 day AND steering committee meeting at the aviation restaurant place in the evening. Whoa. Maybe I'll run into my ex with "The Woman" and do some hocking and loogie-throwing.
Thursday - Hopefully, meeting with Gwen (a teacher in my dept. I think I like), then Acupuncture, then Girl's Night.
Friday - Grade Mark Twain Quizzes, Personal Narratives.
All planning this week will be spent grading 9th graders' ECRs.
I hope I am being a good teacher. I really want to be; I don't want to leave my students high and dry. I just have three fucking preps, totally unnecessary, which means I have to do three unique 90-minute lesson plans every two days. 4.5 hours of lesson planning every 48 hours.
And my colleagues get frustrated when I make tiny mistakes, and are clearly frustrated when I ask for help. Why, why, why, this kind of needlessly unpleasant work environment?!
I also think some of my students think I'm gay. And, I'm proud to say, I don't think they think so in a bad way. Go my students.
Soon, Attars will be here. Soon, I will get a new Driver's License. Soon, I will get new knitting needles. Soon, very soon, I will return to California, and then Balticon will come, and then the year will be over.
And then I will take a job substitute teaching, return to my duties at Smile, volunteer at the Smithsonian or USBG, and take classes to get ready for graduate school.
Yes, all things in time.
And life is a great poem.
crazy as can be, yeah,
but she's alright with me.
--Counting Crows, Mercury.
So. I find myself this fall in the strangest of all possible places. As many of you know, I am teaching, and have not really taken to it. This is not a huge surprise; I'm having a good bit of trouble reckoning with the cultural expectations of EVERYONE I MEET, or almost all of them, in teaching. An exchange I had this month:
My mentor teacher (and head of the English Department): So, what thematic link can we go with for The Crucible?
Me: Well, I've always understood the play to be Miller's critique of McCarthyism.. Not sure how that would fly with student's, of course.
(My mentor teacher blankly stares at me)
Me: (Considering that 11th grade themes include American Moral Foundations) But then.. there's always the theme of religious freedom. (A pause. There is an awkward silence) I mean, with the whole Salem Witch Trials story..
My mentor teacher: Uh.. Yeah, I guess you're free to be a witch, or whatever.
Dude. I thought EVERYONE thought of the Salem Witch Trials as a black spot on the history of the U.S. where religious tolerance, supposedly one of the pillars of our nation (You know, what with the whole Bill of Rights, and all), is generally believed to be a good thing. I mean, even if you are ignorant enough to think that witches are only a figment of the puritan imagination, that's your business. But still.
So I'm fighting off many things, including depression, because I get worried and scared that my soul and heart are being eaten up in this place. I am frightened because many of the things I have come to love about myself are in no way useful to this job, and I suppose I am unnecessarily worried that I will lose them. For (very silly) example: Valentines. I love giving valentines, and will in no way be giving valentines to my fellow teachers; no one has that sense of affection for little graces that I try with such gestures to call upon.
I am trying to make it a task of karma yoga. The only problem there is that I have yet to see the face of the goddess or the divine in the work that I'm doing at my school. I think I may not be looking hard enough or have been too easily discouraged by the intensity of the backbiting and self-perpetuating stress of my colleagues. I don't get that; life is hard enough, why be mean to each other? Why kill yourself with more responsibility than you actually have? So maybe the task is just keeping my head, staying tolerant and calm, and giving (always) in love. Dunno.
The wedding in California was beautiful. We rode up the 1 and my compatriots got vertigo. I do not have this problem but am prone to the fearing for my life problem if I look too long over the edge -- as if turning my head too far will cause the car to lose its sense of balance.
Soon, after I've had my brakes fixed, I will get new knitting needles, and will get started on socks again. This will help.
This week:
Monday - Staff meeting and grading DLW Quizzes.
Tuesday - Meeting at Smile 5-8 (Blue lighter training).
Wednesday - STI Meeting at school during 1/2 day AND steering committee meeting at the aviation restaurant place in the evening. Whoa. Maybe I'll run into my ex with "The Woman" and do some hocking and loogie-throwing.
Thursday - Hopefully, meeting with Gwen (a teacher in my dept. I think I like), then Acupuncture, then Girl's Night.
Friday - Grade Mark Twain Quizzes, Personal Narratives.
All planning this week will be spent grading 9th graders' ECRs.
I hope I am being a good teacher. I really want to be; I don't want to leave my students high and dry. I just have three fucking preps, totally unnecessary, which means I have to do three unique 90-minute lesson plans every two days. 4.5 hours of lesson planning every 48 hours.
And my colleagues get frustrated when I make tiny mistakes, and are clearly frustrated when I ask for help. Why, why, why, this kind of needlessly unpleasant work environment?!
I also think some of my students think I'm gay. And, I'm proud to say, I don't think they think so in a bad way. Go my students.
Soon, Attars will be here. Soon, I will get a new Driver's License. Soon, I will get new knitting needles. Soon, very soon, I will return to California, and then Balticon will come, and then the year will be over.
And then I will take a job substitute teaching, return to my duties at Smile, volunteer at the Smithsonian or USBG, and take classes to get ready for graduate school.
Yes, all things in time.
And life is a great poem.