'Contact' & 'Foolish'
Ok, so I decided to continue my fic, Contact, which I actually only posted on my Tumblr, so here it is again for those who need part 1
Tsunehito looked down on the image of his sleeping lover. It was already midday, but Asagi was still sleeping soundly. He pressed a kiss on Asagi’s cheek and thought about how soft Asagi’s skin felt to touch. Everything about Asagi was soft. His deep brown eyes, sensual, yet sympathetic, which betrayed him when he tried to hide his emotions. His hair, softer than silk, would fall through Tsunehito’s fingers effortlessly. The way he touched Tsunehito, as if he were about to break into a million pieces. But that was the problem. Tsunehito wished for nothing more than to be torn to pieces, if it meant he could feel a fire between them.
Asagi hid his slim, supple body under pyjamas. Tsunehito always slept in his underwear. They could sleep in same the bed, arms looped around one another, kissing for what seemed like hours. They were the grand masters of foreplay, but it never went any further than that, and although, when Asagi had sat him down and explained sex just didn’t appeal to him, and Tsunehito had complied with a glowing smile, saying it was fine, it wasn’t. It was far from fine.
Tsunehito needed to feel that spark, and of late, Tsunehito had wondered if he’d made the right decision. Thinking about all this had worked him up, and he scrambled towards the bathroom to take care of the growing problem. Asagi was still sleeping when he returned, so he grabbed his clothes and left him to sleep in peace.
Days later, after the both of them had been drinking, things got heavier than usual, and as Tsunehito straddled Asagi on the floor of the living room, he wondered if things were finally about to go his way. For just a brief moment he felt Asagi’s inhibitions fall away, as he let himself be overpowered, but then something hit him. Something seemingly sharp and clear that roused him from his stupor, and he broke free of the entanglement before it could progress. In that moment, Tsunehito had to fight himself. He had been holding one of Asagi’s wrists and he was tempted to force Asagi into staying right where he was, but one look into those eyes, that seemed to gleam with the knowledge of what would come of this event, and he pulled away without a second thought.
Embarrassed, Asagi escaped to the bedroom, and Tsunehito heard the soft click of the lock. Frustrated in more ways than one, Tsunehito scraped himself up off the floor and stumbled towards the apartment door, not really knowing where he was going.
In the end, he found himself in some seedy bar. He drank until he stopped feeling, and then scanned the room for someone, anyone, who might take him home. Catching sight of a lonely looking guy in the corner, Tsunehito paused a moment before he got up. This was his chance to go home and forget about the whole thing. The solitary figure in the corner looked up, his eyes beckoning. Did Tsunehito look that desperate? Pushing all feelings of guilt aside, Tsunehito headed over to his seducer. There were drinks and small talk, flirting and obvious hints at what would come later. Asagi had never been this forward. He still left handwritten notes of apology for little things, signed with hearts and smiley faces. It was kind of cute really, when Tsunehito thought about it.
As if time had begun flowing separately from Tsunehito’s thoughts, he emerged from his thinking to find his new bedfellow nibbling on his neck in the back of a taxi.
How had he gotten here?
Realizing just how much he had drunk, Tsunehito figured he could simply bury all thoughts of guilt towards Asagi. He barely fought at all, as the love-hungry barfly wordlessly stripped him and kissed him with such vigour, that he was forced back onto the bed. Writhing beneath this stranger, he knew what he was doing was wrong. He knew it was disgusting, but by god did it feel good to have somebody else releasing all that tension. Without thinking, he called out Asagi’s name as he reached his climax, his partner-in-crime too busy drowning in his alcohol-driven lust to notice, or care.
Once the whole sordid affair was over, the less than gentlemanly suitor handed Tsunehito his clothes and gave him his marching orders. He had work in the morning, and he didn’t feel like waking up with a hangover AND a stranger in his bed. Hurt, yet not in the least bit surprised, Tsunehito complied. As he wandered the streets, he wondered whether he would dare return to Asagi, knowing what he’d just done. All of a sudden he felt sick. Whether it was the drink or the sex, he couldn’t be sure. Even this late at night, the Summer heat still blazed, stealing all the air from the atmosphere. Sighing, Tsunehito took a seat on a nearby bench and closed his eyes, hoping when he opened them that his problems would be solved. Meanwhile, Asagi awoke to find the apartment empty.
Squinting a little, Asagi awoke and cast his eyes over the alarm clock. 12:20. He’d forgotten to set the alarm again. It was just as well he wasn’t needed at work until later in the day. Feeling for Tsunehito beside him, he found only the duvet doubled back and the sheets ruffled. Though muffled, he could hear ragged breathing, and he gathered things had gotten too much for Tsunehito’s unquenchable lust again. So that’s what had woke him up.
At once the breathing stopped, the tap ran, and the bathroom door unlocked. Desperate to avoid a scene, Asagi feigned sleep. Tsunehito entered, but left again. Not long after, the front door softly closed, and Asagi found himself alone in the apartment.
Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he rolled one leg out of bed in an attempt to get up, but flopped back down again, head in his hands. It was so frustrating. If only he could give Tsunehito what he wanted. Every time he caught a glimpse of disappointment in Tsunehito’s eyes as he rejected his advances, Asagi was reminded how easily he could lose him. After all, there were any number of people willing to make love to their partner.
But not Asagi.
He wasn’t exactly sure where the fear stemmed from, but even the idea of sex alone made him queasy, and he knew once a couple went down that path things were changed forever. If he was being honest, he was terrified it would change everything, and not for the better. He loved Tsunehito, too much in fact. It was that deep love that had him so scared. If he lost Tsunehito now, he wasn’t sure what he would do. Tsunehito had told him it was fine that sex wouldn’t be an option, but Asagi was sure Tsunehito hadn’t realized how serious he was being at the time, and, beyond any doubt, now regretted wasting his time with a feeble prude.
He gathered up his clothes and towel and headed for the shower. Knowing he wouldn’t be back until late, he scrawled a note to Tsunehito
‘I’ll be late today, so eat before me. Drinks after final practice this week?’
And then Asagi found himself so drunk he could barely stand. Hitting bar after bar, the band had really gone all out. As they separated, nobody was sure who should be taking who home when it came to Asagi and Tsunehito. They were both as stupidly drunk as the other. After the longest walk home they’d ever taken, and many attempts between the two of them to open the door, they somehow slotted their key into the lock and stumbled into the darkness of the apartment. Asagi fumbled for the light switch but was caught from behind by Tsunehito
‘Leave it off’
Tsunehito was even more forward than usual as he thrust his hands upon Asagi’s chest and forced his tongue into his mouth. Unable to stand from all the drinking, Asagi simply let Tsunehito guide him to the place he most wanted to be right now. If he could just rest a little, everything would be fine. But Tsunehito had other plans. He climbed on top of Asagi, directing what little weight he had onto his torso, still forcing his tongue and hands wherever he could. His advances continued, his breathing grew shallower, and his grabbing hands couldn’t disguise his longing for Asagi. Though somewhat dazed, as Tsunehito bit deep into his neck and caused him to cry out, Asagi awoke from his passiveness, suddenly aware of the current events. He rolled out from beneath Tsunehito, struggling at first to loosen his lover’s grip, and escaped to the bedroom. Closing and locking the door behind him, he let his body slide down the door and rest on the floor. A wave of relief washed over him and he was surprised to find a tear rolling down his cheek. He listened intently for Tsunehito’s approach, but after a few minutes he heard the front door and knew he was alone again.
Asagi wasn’t sure what was more embarrassing. The way he’d almost given in, or the way he’d ran away when it had gotten too much. He’d almost ruined everything. Well, not that things were any better this way. Him running away probably wasn’t the best course of action. He should have stayed and explained.
Asagi dressed for bed. He thought about going out to follow Tsunehito, but he had no idea where he would be. He didn’t even know what to say. Knowing he wouldn’t sleep, he climbed into bed anyway, trying to bury thoughts of the worst scenario. Tsunehito was still intensely drunk and half blind with lust, possibly rage. Asagi could only hope Tsunehito would see sense and come home.
After an hour of incessant tossing and turning and checking his mobile, Asagi got up. He switched on the kettle to make tea. He was obviously never going to sleep while he was worrying like this. Gathering all the courage he had, he called Tsunehito.
*brr brr brr brr*
The vibration echoed, muffled, from somewhere nearby. Lodged in one of the couch cushions was Tsunehito’s mobile.
Helpless and desperate, he called each of the band members to see if they knew Tsunehito’s whereabouts, but it was a fruitless venture. What if something had happened? What if Tsunehito was lay dead somewhere? Nobody would even know. Having worked himself into a frenzy, Asagi slipped on a thin jacket and began exploring the grounds around the apartment. Maybe Tsunehito was sulking somewhere alone, trying to make Asagi worry on purpose.
After a thorough search of the surrounding area, it was obvious Tsunehito was nowhere to be found. Not satisfied, but without any other course of action open to him, Asagi returned home. He sat and waited in the kitchen until the alcohol and the worry dragged him into a restless sleep.
The blinds had been left open, and, around 6am, bright light suddenly filled the kitchen and living room of the apartment. Asagi was still seated in the chair he had been in last night. He hid his face from the strong rays, every inch the vampire he liked to portray. Suddenly noticing it was morning, he emerged from his temporary bed and searched the apartment, but Tsunehito still hadn’t returned. Everything was just as he’d left it the night before, and the room felt inexplicably cold despite the raging heat of Summer.
I wasn't going to continue the fic originally, but then muses appeared and here we are with what I think will be the final part. I considered continuing it further, but I think it would just get too angsty, and I'm ready to write something new. As such, I've left the ending open. Sorry if that irks anyone, but I felt it the best course of action at the time of writing.
Title: Foolish
Pairing: Asagi x Tsunehito
Genre: Romance, Drama, Domestic
Warning/Disclaimer: Includes self-harm.
Summary: Tsunehito finally returns and Asagi wants to know where he's been all night. Will their relationship last under the pressure?
The door of Asagi’s apartment creaked a lot louder than Tsunehito wanted it to. It was gone midday, and he had finally decided to attempt a reconciliation; not that he had any idea what he would say or how to explain where he had been all night.
The kitchen and living room were empty, so Tsunehito loped around looking for an indication of what room Asagi might be in. He mindlessly opened doors until he ended up in the bathroom. Only once he had already entered did he see the pile of clothes and, at that precise moment, a very un-guarded Asagi stepping out of the bath.
“Holy -“Asagi started “What are you doing in here!?”
He grabbed a towel in an attempt to regain his modesty. Without thinking, he threw his arms around Tsunehito’s neck. He had been terrified to find a guest in his bathroom, but at least Tsunehito was home. Almost immediately he remembered Tsunehito had made him worry though, and what was that strange smell that clung to his clothes?
“Where were you?” Asagi ventured
“Oh, you know” Tsunehito replied. He bit his lip and his eyes darted around the room. He didn’t want this conversation right now.
Asagi sighed deeply. Something had happened and he was going to find out what, no matter how terrifying the truth might be. “At least let me get dressed” he snapped, guiding Tsunehito out of the room.
Nervous and a little bit afraid, Tsunehito paced the apartment. He knew Asagi wouldn’t just be getting dressed in there. Afterwards would be his hair and nails, and all the rest. He decided to take a seat in Asagi’s room while he waited.
Still mulling over explanations he might possibly offer Asagi, Tsunehito found himself examining the various knick-knacks that covered the bedroom they shared, but something caught his eye. Something he hadn’t noticed before. A small, plain looking chest peeked ever so slightly out from under a pile of books. Asagi never did things by halves. Maybe that was why this obscure little box had never been noticed, amongst all the flowers and gaudy colours. Curious, Tsunehito started moving the books aside. The chest was heavier than it looked and when he opened it he found out why. It was crammed with books.
Tsunehito caught his breath. He felt tears well up inside him. What a fool he’d been.
The themes varied, but largely the books focused on alternatives to sex. Asagi had obviously secretly been trying to deal with their ongoing problem. Even though sex terrified him, made him nauseous, he was willing to find some kind of compromise for the man he loved.
And what had Tsunehito done in return?
He felt sick. He snapped shut the box and returned it, with only enough time to return to his original spot before Asagi entered the room.
“So?”
Asagi folded his arms. He had a habit of doing that. Really he was quite insecure. He just knew how to hide it when he had to.
Tsunehito opened his mouth, but no words came out.
“Where did you go all night?” Asagi’s voice quivered a little. It hurt to see him wounded like this. Tsunehito was sure he already knew, but was telling him the right thing? It was going to tear their relationship apart, no doubt about that, but if he lied it would only be worse.
“I went out drinking”
“Drinking? Until…” He checked his watch “1pm? You look pretty fresh for having done an all-nighter”
“Well, I wasn’t drinking all night…”
“What else were you doing?”
“I got to talking to somebody, and, well, we got a taxi back together an-”
“Just stop there. I don’t need to hear the rest” Asagi left the room. He was visibly upset. Tsunehito’s half-assed explanation told him everything he needed to know - he’d cracked and slept with somebody else.
The nausea burned in his stomach. It felt like a hole was burning into his lower intestines. Asagi was a sensitive person, but he had never cried like he did at that moment. Locking himself away, he wept and wept, until his eyes burned raw.
He thought back to when he and Tsunehito had first got together - a brief, stolen moment backstage. Everything had happened so fast and somehow ended in a kiss. It had all been so gentle, but even Asagi had been burning with a kind of lust, and as he had trailed kisses down Tsunehito’s neck and collarbone, Tsunehito, breathing heavily, had whispered into his ear ”Don’t panic, but somebody is watching us”
Ruiza had disturbed them and then it was only a few minutes before everyone else knew. Nobody really cared. In fact, they were surprised it hadn’t happened sooner.
And the way Tsunehito had seemingly accepted his one condition - no sex. He thought he would never find anyone willing to go along with that, and now he would lose the only person who would. He ignored the persistent knocking and calls from Tsunehito. He could never forgive him.
On the other side of the door, Tsunehito listened intently. He could hear the swallowed sobs of his lover and it broke his heart, because he had caused that pain. In any other case, Asagi would have come to him for comfort, but now, where could he turn? Tsunehito wanted to cry too, but it seemed selfish to do so, and he wanted to remain strong.
“Asagi, please, let me talk to you”
Tsunehito felt a real terror, and it chilled him to his very core. He was about to lose the most important thing in the world to him, all for a brief moment of passion. He remembered he’d been looking forward, as always, to holding Asagi in his arms that night, but somehow everything had gotten off tangent. He’d gotten desperate, tried to force Asagi into things he didn’t want to do, then stormed off and ruined everything. There was nothing that would fix his mistake.
Asagi had stopped crying, but there was no sign of movement. Tsunehito called again. He could barely contain the anguish in his voice.
“Asagi, please…I love you. Don’t let it end like this”
Asagi, still hunched behind the door covered his ears. He didn’t want to hear that right now.
I love you
How many times had Tsunehito whispered that to him in the dark, in the comfort of their shared bed? He hoped Tsunehito would just leave. He didn’t want a conflict.
There was a sudden silence, and Asagi was sure Tsunehito had left. He unlocked the door and stepped outside. He felt a pang of fear as he noticed Tsunehito sitting on the couch. He too had obviously been crying. He turned slowly to look at Asagi. If it meant anything, he truly looked hurt and apologetic, but it was too late for that. How could Asagi ever come to terms with the fact he’d been betrayed? By the fact Tsunehito had given himself to somebody else?
“Asa-“
“Don’t” Asagi stopped him short “I want you to leave”
“Right now? Bu-“
“You can get your stuff later. I just, I need to be alone right now”
Tsunehito made to argue, but, for the first time in a long time, Asagi looked angry. He complied and left the apartment, but he didn’t leave the building,.
After Tsunehito left, Asagi stood for a long time in front of the mirror. He examined his red eyes, and tried to smooth away the evidence of his tears.
Who was to blame for his so-called imperfection?
Desperate to leave the scene, Asagi made for the door. He would call at the convenience store and get something to eat. He only now recalled he hadn’t even got around to eating breakfast or lunch.
Tsunehito was waiting outside and he pounced as soon as Asagi emerged.
“I thought I told you to leave” Asagi said, visibly annoyed
“I won’t let you go.” Tsunehito replied.
He moved towards Asagi. He was so desperate to kiss him. It was the only way he could transmit his feelings. To tell Asagi he was so sorry, and how much he needed him. He met his target, but Asagi soon pulled away. For a brief moment, Asagi had been lost in the kiss. He still loved Tsunehito deeply, and he sensed regret in the way Tsunehito’s mouth ached towards his own. But the thought that the same mouth had been elsewhere only hours ago repulsed him.
“Get off me!” Asagi said, pushing Tsunehito away “You’re always so selfish, doing what you want. This is MY body” That last part had just sort of spilled out and Asagi wasn’t sure if he even meant it.
“Can’t we talk about this? There has to be a way” Tsunehito pleaded. He wanted to grab Asagi’s hand, but he had just been forbidden from doing so. “I know I can’t change what I did, but I‘m willing to do anything, ANYTHING not to lose you”
Tsunehito narrowed his eyes as he pleaded. “I saw the books, Asagi”
Asagi started. When had Tsunehito been snooping around? He blushed at the thought of Tsunehito knowing what he was up to when he wasn’t around. It had been embarrassing enough just buying them.
“You should know better than to go looking through other people’s things”
With that, Asagi walked away, leaving Tsunehito alone in the corridor. As he rounded the corner, he made a quick diversion towards the staircase. If Tsunehito followed him, he’d probably think he’d taken the lift.
After a short walk, Asagi arrived at the convenience store. At this time of the day it was pretty empty. It was a weekday, and too early for students to be in. He threw some things in a basket, hoping nourishment lay in at least one of them. Right now he couldn’t care less about the benefits or the nutrition in whatever he would be trying to swallow once he returned home. Paying for his items, he left and headed in the general direction of home.
It took a good 20 minutes longer to arrive back at his apartment. Asagi had somewhat purposely taken a long and convoluted path back. Trying to postpone his return to what seemed now to be such a large and empty space. He sighed a breath of relief to find Tsunehito had decided not to stick around. He softly closed the lock behind him. He didn’t want Tsunehito just wandering in again, if and when he pleased.
In the meantime, Tsunehito had escaped to a bathroom on the first floor. Locked in a cubicle, he sat on one of the toilets with his left arm stretched out. He’d been good for so long, but before he knew what he was doing he’d cut deep into his arm with a razor discarded in the sink. He loathed himself for what he had done, and if only a little bit, this pain might match what Asagi was feeling in his heart. He felt a little guilty. Asagi had made him promise to stop self-harming. Tsunehito smiled. They were both as kooky as the other, and only together could they even function properly. He let the blood drip a little more before grabbing a tissue to stop the bleeding. It stung a little as he pressed it, and he had to throw together a make-shift, toilet paper bandage to avoid getting his jacket bloodstained. He wondered if Asagi had come back yet as he peered into the mirror. He still had faint smudges under his eyes from last night’s make up. He relived the moment he came in that stranger’s bed and at that moment wished he was as celibate as Asagi. Sex only brought problems, and this was the biggest yet.
Discarding his shopping, Asagi dropped into a chair in the kitchen. The reality of his situation seemed to hit him all over again, but this time he was angry. Unbearably so. He threw aside some items from the table top in and launched himself from his chair. Throwing open the door to his bedroom, he grabbed as many of Tsunehito’s belongings as possible, tearing and breaking things as he went. He paused for a moment, seemingly satisfied with his outburst. He wasn’t really sure what to do in the aftermath. He hadn’t thought that far ahead, so he just left the damage as it was and went into the living room.
Having that special know-how that cats do, Minya had sensed sorrow in his owner and came to join Asagi as he lay flat out on the couch. Outside, Tsunehito had returned. He stood awkwardly outside the door. He had tried to enter only to find it locked. He heard jangling from behind and turned to see who was approaching. The apartment block Asagi lived in was maintained by an elderly man. He was kind enough, but he was a real busybody. Seeing Tsunehito standing outside the door like a lost soul intrigued him, and he approached him, asking if he’d forgotten his keys.
“Something like that” Tsunehito said, smiling wryly
The old man produced a ring of keys.
“Here. I always have spare ones with me. This is just a one off though”
He forced Tsunehito’s hand open and placed the key in his palm before shuffling off to find something more exciting. Tsunehito unlocked the door and entered like a schoolboy sneaking into class after hours. He didn’t immediately see Asagi, but instead the discarded food items on the table and the things Asagi had thrown in his rage.
“Asagi?”
Asagi bolted up, startled “Didn’t I lock that door!?”
“The landlord, he…” Tsunehito motioned towards the key to explain, before dropping onto the opposite side of the couch.
Tsunehito inhaled deeply. “Just hear me out. Okay?”
He took Asagi’s silence as a green light to continue.
He turned to face Asagi “I’ll never touch alcohol again if it means you’ll give me another chance”
“Did you come back here to make excuses?” Asagi scoffed. He was starting to get angry again. Was he really going to try to pull this off as a drunken mistake?
“No, I just-, argh” He ruffled his hair in frustration “Don’t leave me Asagi. I need you” He moved closer to Asagi.
“I needed you here last night” Asagi retorted “I actually was stupid enough to think you’d gotten hurt or something. As if only that could keep you away from me”
“It meant nothing to me Asagi, and you know that. I called out for you. Maybe I can’t do those things with you… it’s just, I’m human too you know”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better, that you used some stranger in my place to fulfil your fantasies. You’re digging a deeper hole for yourself, you know that?”
Tsunehito closed his mouth in defeat. Asagi was being unusually argumentative and he was running out of things that might actually comfort him. By now he was only inches from Asagi. Spreading his arms out, Tsunehito accidentally brushed against Asagi. “Sorry” he said, pulling his hand away, but Asagi had felt that same electricity as always.
“You know, they say angry sex is the best sex” Tsunehito said shyly, trying to lighten the mood, but he almost immediately regretted what he’d said. He didn’t want Asagi to think this was going to be all about the same thing again. Surprisingly, he got a wry smile in return. He edged a little closer and grasped Asagi’s hand. He didn’t flinch or try to move. He just sort of basked in the moment. In some distorted way, he felt comforted by having that hand there.
Tsunehito could only rely on his preference for the physical again. He drew himself to Asagi’s ear and whispered sweet nothings. He told him a thousand times that he loved him. That no matter the price, the punishment, he was willing to pay it. Tsunehito’s hot breath on his neck made Asagi’s stomach flutter, but he was resisting the temptation. Asagi still had Tsunehito’s hand in his grip and he focused on it to try and pretend he wasn’t getting carried away. He noticed a shred of toilet paper hanging from Tsunehito’s jacket sleeve. He couldn’t see it clearly, but it looked stained. Had Tsunehito been self harming again?
“I won’t forgive you so easily” he said, finally speaking up. He removed himself from Tsunehito’s charms “You need somewhere to stay tonight at least I suppose”
Asagi hurried into the bedroom and made an attempt to clear up his mess. He couldn’t hide all the evidence of his outburst, but he would at least try.
That night, Asagi clambered into bed alone. He listened to the soft pitter-patter of raindrops on his window and stared into the void of the ceiling. He tried to listen to the faint sound of Tsunehito sleeping in the living room. He tried to imagine kicking Tsunehito out and him getting with somebody else. He couldn’t even picture it in his mind, but the old saying goes once a cheat, always a cheat, and Asagi was well aware of the risks of letting Tsunehito stay. Things on his end weren’t going to change anytime soon after all.
Tsunehito eyed the dim glowing red of the alarm clock across the room. It was almost 3am and he still hadn’t slept. It felt weird to be so close, yet so far from his lover, but if this was part of the price he had to pay he couldn’t very well argue about it. He could hear Asagi softly snoring from his bedroom. Maybe the day’s events had simply worn him out. Rolling off the couch into a standing position, Tsunehito padded quietly across the apartment. He quietly pushed open the bedroom door, getting nothing but an inquisitive look from Minya, who had taken a spot at the end of the bed.
He checked to see if Asagi was feigning sleep or not before quietly sliding under the duvet to join him. He slipped his arm around Asagi’s waist and buried his head in his neck. He was warm.
Asagi awoke the moment Tsunehito had moved the duvet. He was a light sleeper, but he didn’t react, and Tsunehito probably thought he was still sleeping at first. Catching the hand Tsunehito had around him, he found what he had expected to find. Fingering the wound gently he whispered into the dark “Why did you do something so stupid?”
“I wanted to share the pain I caused” Tsunehito’s voice was muffled by Asagi’s skin.
Asagi kissed the wound and slipped his fingers into Tsunehito’s. He wasn’t sure how things were going to pan out, but he knew in that moment he couldn’t be without his foolish sweetheart.
Tsunehito looked down on the image of his sleeping lover. It was already midday, but Asagi was still sleeping soundly. He pressed a kiss on Asagi’s cheek and thought about how soft Asagi’s skin felt to touch. Everything about Asagi was soft. His deep brown eyes, sensual, yet sympathetic, which betrayed him when he tried to hide his emotions. His hair, softer than silk, would fall through Tsunehito’s fingers effortlessly. The way he touched Tsunehito, as if he were about to break into a million pieces. But that was the problem. Tsunehito wished for nothing more than to be torn to pieces, if it meant he could feel a fire between them.
Asagi hid his slim, supple body under pyjamas. Tsunehito always slept in his underwear. They could sleep in same the bed, arms looped around one another, kissing for what seemed like hours. They were the grand masters of foreplay, but it never went any further than that, and although, when Asagi had sat him down and explained sex just didn’t appeal to him, and Tsunehito had complied with a glowing smile, saying it was fine, it wasn’t. It was far from fine.
Tsunehito needed to feel that spark, and of late, Tsunehito had wondered if he’d made the right decision. Thinking about all this had worked him up, and he scrambled towards the bathroom to take care of the growing problem. Asagi was still sleeping when he returned, so he grabbed his clothes and left him to sleep in peace.
Days later, after the both of them had been drinking, things got heavier than usual, and as Tsunehito straddled Asagi on the floor of the living room, he wondered if things were finally about to go his way. For just a brief moment he felt Asagi’s inhibitions fall away, as he let himself be overpowered, but then something hit him. Something seemingly sharp and clear that roused him from his stupor, and he broke free of the entanglement before it could progress. In that moment, Tsunehito had to fight himself. He had been holding one of Asagi’s wrists and he was tempted to force Asagi into staying right where he was, but one look into those eyes, that seemed to gleam with the knowledge of what would come of this event, and he pulled away without a second thought.
Embarrassed, Asagi escaped to the bedroom, and Tsunehito heard the soft click of the lock. Frustrated in more ways than one, Tsunehito scraped himself up off the floor and stumbled towards the apartment door, not really knowing where he was going.
In the end, he found himself in some seedy bar. He drank until he stopped feeling, and then scanned the room for someone, anyone, who might take him home. Catching sight of a lonely looking guy in the corner, Tsunehito paused a moment before he got up. This was his chance to go home and forget about the whole thing. The solitary figure in the corner looked up, his eyes beckoning. Did Tsunehito look that desperate? Pushing all feelings of guilt aside, Tsunehito headed over to his seducer. There were drinks and small talk, flirting and obvious hints at what would come later. Asagi had never been this forward. He still left handwritten notes of apology for little things, signed with hearts and smiley faces. It was kind of cute really, when Tsunehito thought about it.
As if time had begun flowing separately from Tsunehito’s thoughts, he emerged from his thinking to find his new bedfellow nibbling on his neck in the back of a taxi.
How had he gotten here?
Realizing just how much he had drunk, Tsunehito figured he could simply bury all thoughts of guilt towards Asagi. He barely fought at all, as the love-hungry barfly wordlessly stripped him and kissed him with such vigour, that he was forced back onto the bed. Writhing beneath this stranger, he knew what he was doing was wrong. He knew it was disgusting, but by god did it feel good to have somebody else releasing all that tension. Without thinking, he called out Asagi’s name as he reached his climax, his partner-in-crime too busy drowning in his alcohol-driven lust to notice, or care.
Once the whole sordid affair was over, the less than gentlemanly suitor handed Tsunehito his clothes and gave him his marching orders. He had work in the morning, and he didn’t feel like waking up with a hangover AND a stranger in his bed. Hurt, yet not in the least bit surprised, Tsunehito complied. As he wandered the streets, he wondered whether he would dare return to Asagi, knowing what he’d just done. All of a sudden he felt sick. Whether it was the drink or the sex, he couldn’t be sure. Even this late at night, the Summer heat still blazed, stealing all the air from the atmosphere. Sighing, Tsunehito took a seat on a nearby bench and closed his eyes, hoping when he opened them that his problems would be solved. Meanwhile, Asagi awoke to find the apartment empty.
Squinting a little, Asagi awoke and cast his eyes over the alarm clock. 12:20. He’d forgotten to set the alarm again. It was just as well he wasn’t needed at work until later in the day. Feeling for Tsunehito beside him, he found only the duvet doubled back and the sheets ruffled. Though muffled, he could hear ragged breathing, and he gathered things had gotten too much for Tsunehito’s unquenchable lust again. So that’s what had woke him up.
At once the breathing stopped, the tap ran, and the bathroom door unlocked. Desperate to avoid a scene, Asagi feigned sleep. Tsunehito entered, but left again. Not long after, the front door softly closed, and Asagi found himself alone in the apartment.
Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he rolled one leg out of bed in an attempt to get up, but flopped back down again, head in his hands. It was so frustrating. If only he could give Tsunehito what he wanted. Every time he caught a glimpse of disappointment in Tsunehito’s eyes as he rejected his advances, Asagi was reminded how easily he could lose him. After all, there were any number of people willing to make love to their partner.
But not Asagi.
He wasn’t exactly sure where the fear stemmed from, but even the idea of sex alone made him queasy, and he knew once a couple went down that path things were changed forever. If he was being honest, he was terrified it would change everything, and not for the better. He loved Tsunehito, too much in fact. It was that deep love that had him so scared. If he lost Tsunehito now, he wasn’t sure what he would do. Tsunehito had told him it was fine that sex wouldn’t be an option, but Asagi was sure Tsunehito hadn’t realized how serious he was being at the time, and, beyond any doubt, now regretted wasting his time with a feeble prude.
He gathered up his clothes and towel and headed for the shower. Knowing he wouldn’t be back until late, he scrawled a note to Tsunehito
‘I’ll be late today, so eat before me. Drinks after final practice this week?’
And then Asagi found himself so drunk he could barely stand. Hitting bar after bar, the band had really gone all out. As they separated, nobody was sure who should be taking who home when it came to Asagi and Tsunehito. They were both as stupidly drunk as the other. After the longest walk home they’d ever taken, and many attempts between the two of them to open the door, they somehow slotted their key into the lock and stumbled into the darkness of the apartment. Asagi fumbled for the light switch but was caught from behind by Tsunehito
‘Leave it off’
Tsunehito was even more forward than usual as he thrust his hands upon Asagi’s chest and forced his tongue into his mouth. Unable to stand from all the drinking, Asagi simply let Tsunehito guide him to the place he most wanted to be right now. If he could just rest a little, everything would be fine. But Tsunehito had other plans. He climbed on top of Asagi, directing what little weight he had onto his torso, still forcing his tongue and hands wherever he could. His advances continued, his breathing grew shallower, and his grabbing hands couldn’t disguise his longing for Asagi. Though somewhat dazed, as Tsunehito bit deep into his neck and caused him to cry out, Asagi awoke from his passiveness, suddenly aware of the current events. He rolled out from beneath Tsunehito, struggling at first to loosen his lover’s grip, and escaped to the bedroom. Closing and locking the door behind him, he let his body slide down the door and rest on the floor. A wave of relief washed over him and he was surprised to find a tear rolling down his cheek. He listened intently for Tsunehito’s approach, but after a few minutes he heard the front door and knew he was alone again.
Asagi wasn’t sure what was more embarrassing. The way he’d almost given in, or the way he’d ran away when it had gotten too much. He’d almost ruined everything. Well, not that things were any better this way. Him running away probably wasn’t the best course of action. He should have stayed and explained.
Asagi dressed for bed. He thought about going out to follow Tsunehito, but he had no idea where he would be. He didn’t even know what to say. Knowing he wouldn’t sleep, he climbed into bed anyway, trying to bury thoughts of the worst scenario. Tsunehito was still intensely drunk and half blind with lust, possibly rage. Asagi could only hope Tsunehito would see sense and come home.
After an hour of incessant tossing and turning and checking his mobile, Asagi got up. He switched on the kettle to make tea. He was obviously never going to sleep while he was worrying like this. Gathering all the courage he had, he called Tsunehito.
*brr brr brr brr*
The vibration echoed, muffled, from somewhere nearby. Lodged in one of the couch cushions was Tsunehito’s mobile.
Helpless and desperate, he called each of the band members to see if they knew Tsunehito’s whereabouts, but it was a fruitless venture. What if something had happened? What if Tsunehito was lay dead somewhere? Nobody would even know. Having worked himself into a frenzy, Asagi slipped on a thin jacket and began exploring the grounds around the apartment. Maybe Tsunehito was sulking somewhere alone, trying to make Asagi worry on purpose.
After a thorough search of the surrounding area, it was obvious Tsunehito was nowhere to be found. Not satisfied, but without any other course of action open to him, Asagi returned home. He sat and waited in the kitchen until the alcohol and the worry dragged him into a restless sleep.
The blinds had been left open, and, around 6am, bright light suddenly filled the kitchen and living room of the apartment. Asagi was still seated in the chair he had been in last night. He hid his face from the strong rays, every inch the vampire he liked to portray. Suddenly noticing it was morning, he emerged from his temporary bed and searched the apartment, but Tsunehito still hadn’t returned. Everything was just as he’d left it the night before, and the room felt inexplicably cold despite the raging heat of Summer.
I wasn't going to continue the fic originally, but then muses appeared and here we are with what I think will be the final part. I considered continuing it further, but I think it would just get too angsty, and I'm ready to write something new. As such, I've left the ending open. Sorry if that irks anyone, but I felt it the best course of action at the time of writing.
Title: Foolish
Pairing: Asagi x Tsunehito
Genre: Romance, Drama, Domestic
Warning/Disclaimer: Includes self-harm.
Summary: Tsunehito finally returns and Asagi wants to know where he's been all night. Will their relationship last under the pressure?
The door of Asagi’s apartment creaked a lot louder than Tsunehito wanted it to. It was gone midday, and he had finally decided to attempt a reconciliation; not that he had any idea what he would say or how to explain where he had been all night.
The kitchen and living room were empty, so Tsunehito loped around looking for an indication of what room Asagi might be in. He mindlessly opened doors until he ended up in the bathroom. Only once he had already entered did he see the pile of clothes and, at that precise moment, a very un-guarded Asagi stepping out of the bath.
“Holy -“Asagi started “What are you doing in here!?”
He grabbed a towel in an attempt to regain his modesty. Without thinking, he threw his arms around Tsunehito’s neck. He had been terrified to find a guest in his bathroom, but at least Tsunehito was home. Almost immediately he remembered Tsunehito had made him worry though, and what was that strange smell that clung to his clothes?
“Where were you?” Asagi ventured
“Oh, you know” Tsunehito replied. He bit his lip and his eyes darted around the room. He didn’t want this conversation right now.
Asagi sighed deeply. Something had happened and he was going to find out what, no matter how terrifying the truth might be. “At least let me get dressed” he snapped, guiding Tsunehito out of the room.
Nervous and a little bit afraid, Tsunehito paced the apartment. He knew Asagi wouldn’t just be getting dressed in there. Afterwards would be his hair and nails, and all the rest. He decided to take a seat in Asagi’s room while he waited.
Still mulling over explanations he might possibly offer Asagi, Tsunehito found himself examining the various knick-knacks that covered the bedroom they shared, but something caught his eye. Something he hadn’t noticed before. A small, plain looking chest peeked ever so slightly out from under a pile of books. Asagi never did things by halves. Maybe that was why this obscure little box had never been noticed, amongst all the flowers and gaudy colours. Curious, Tsunehito started moving the books aside. The chest was heavier than it looked and when he opened it he found out why. It was crammed with books.
Tsunehito caught his breath. He felt tears well up inside him. What a fool he’d been.
The themes varied, but largely the books focused on alternatives to sex. Asagi had obviously secretly been trying to deal with their ongoing problem. Even though sex terrified him, made him nauseous, he was willing to find some kind of compromise for the man he loved.
And what had Tsunehito done in return?
He felt sick. He snapped shut the box and returned it, with only enough time to return to his original spot before Asagi entered the room.
“So?”
Asagi folded his arms. He had a habit of doing that. Really he was quite insecure. He just knew how to hide it when he had to.
Tsunehito opened his mouth, but no words came out.
“Where did you go all night?” Asagi’s voice quivered a little. It hurt to see him wounded like this. Tsunehito was sure he already knew, but was telling him the right thing? It was going to tear their relationship apart, no doubt about that, but if he lied it would only be worse.
“I went out drinking”
“Drinking? Until…” He checked his watch “1pm? You look pretty fresh for having done an all-nighter”
“Well, I wasn’t drinking all night…”
“What else were you doing?”
“I got to talking to somebody, and, well, we got a taxi back together an-”
“Just stop there. I don’t need to hear the rest” Asagi left the room. He was visibly upset. Tsunehito’s half-assed explanation told him everything he needed to know - he’d cracked and slept with somebody else.
The nausea burned in his stomach. It felt like a hole was burning into his lower intestines. Asagi was a sensitive person, but he had never cried like he did at that moment. Locking himself away, he wept and wept, until his eyes burned raw.
He thought back to when he and Tsunehito had first got together - a brief, stolen moment backstage. Everything had happened so fast and somehow ended in a kiss. It had all been so gentle, but even Asagi had been burning with a kind of lust, and as he had trailed kisses down Tsunehito’s neck and collarbone, Tsunehito, breathing heavily, had whispered into his ear ”Don’t panic, but somebody is watching us”
Ruiza had disturbed them and then it was only a few minutes before everyone else knew. Nobody really cared. In fact, they were surprised it hadn’t happened sooner.
And the way Tsunehito had seemingly accepted his one condition - no sex. He thought he would never find anyone willing to go along with that, and now he would lose the only person who would. He ignored the persistent knocking and calls from Tsunehito. He could never forgive him.
On the other side of the door, Tsunehito listened intently. He could hear the swallowed sobs of his lover and it broke his heart, because he had caused that pain. In any other case, Asagi would have come to him for comfort, but now, where could he turn? Tsunehito wanted to cry too, but it seemed selfish to do so, and he wanted to remain strong.
“Asagi, please, let me talk to you”
Tsunehito felt a real terror, and it chilled him to his very core. He was about to lose the most important thing in the world to him, all for a brief moment of passion. He remembered he’d been looking forward, as always, to holding Asagi in his arms that night, but somehow everything had gotten off tangent. He’d gotten desperate, tried to force Asagi into things he didn’t want to do, then stormed off and ruined everything. There was nothing that would fix his mistake.
Asagi had stopped crying, but there was no sign of movement. Tsunehito called again. He could barely contain the anguish in his voice.
“Asagi, please…I love you. Don’t let it end like this”
Asagi, still hunched behind the door covered his ears. He didn’t want to hear that right now.
I love you
How many times had Tsunehito whispered that to him in the dark, in the comfort of their shared bed? He hoped Tsunehito would just leave. He didn’t want a conflict.
There was a sudden silence, and Asagi was sure Tsunehito had left. He unlocked the door and stepped outside. He felt a pang of fear as he noticed Tsunehito sitting on the couch. He too had obviously been crying. He turned slowly to look at Asagi. If it meant anything, he truly looked hurt and apologetic, but it was too late for that. How could Asagi ever come to terms with the fact he’d been betrayed? By the fact Tsunehito had given himself to somebody else?
“Asa-“
“Don’t” Asagi stopped him short “I want you to leave”
“Right now? Bu-“
“You can get your stuff later. I just, I need to be alone right now”
Tsunehito made to argue, but, for the first time in a long time, Asagi looked angry. He complied and left the apartment, but he didn’t leave the building,.
After Tsunehito left, Asagi stood for a long time in front of the mirror. He examined his red eyes, and tried to smooth away the evidence of his tears.
Who was to blame for his so-called imperfection?
Desperate to leave the scene, Asagi made for the door. He would call at the convenience store and get something to eat. He only now recalled he hadn’t even got around to eating breakfast or lunch.
Tsunehito was waiting outside and he pounced as soon as Asagi emerged.
“I thought I told you to leave” Asagi said, visibly annoyed
“I won’t let you go.” Tsunehito replied.
He moved towards Asagi. He was so desperate to kiss him. It was the only way he could transmit his feelings. To tell Asagi he was so sorry, and how much he needed him. He met his target, but Asagi soon pulled away. For a brief moment, Asagi had been lost in the kiss. He still loved Tsunehito deeply, and he sensed regret in the way Tsunehito’s mouth ached towards his own. But the thought that the same mouth had been elsewhere only hours ago repulsed him.
“Get off me!” Asagi said, pushing Tsunehito away “You’re always so selfish, doing what you want. This is MY body” That last part had just sort of spilled out and Asagi wasn’t sure if he even meant it.
“Can’t we talk about this? There has to be a way” Tsunehito pleaded. He wanted to grab Asagi’s hand, but he had just been forbidden from doing so. “I know I can’t change what I did, but I‘m willing to do anything, ANYTHING not to lose you”
Tsunehito narrowed his eyes as he pleaded. “I saw the books, Asagi”
Asagi started. When had Tsunehito been snooping around? He blushed at the thought of Tsunehito knowing what he was up to when he wasn’t around. It had been embarrassing enough just buying them.
“You should know better than to go looking through other people’s things”
With that, Asagi walked away, leaving Tsunehito alone in the corridor. As he rounded the corner, he made a quick diversion towards the staircase. If Tsunehito followed him, he’d probably think he’d taken the lift.
After a short walk, Asagi arrived at the convenience store. At this time of the day it was pretty empty. It was a weekday, and too early for students to be in. He threw some things in a basket, hoping nourishment lay in at least one of them. Right now he couldn’t care less about the benefits or the nutrition in whatever he would be trying to swallow once he returned home. Paying for his items, he left and headed in the general direction of home.
It took a good 20 minutes longer to arrive back at his apartment. Asagi had somewhat purposely taken a long and convoluted path back. Trying to postpone his return to what seemed now to be such a large and empty space. He sighed a breath of relief to find Tsunehito had decided not to stick around. He softly closed the lock behind him. He didn’t want Tsunehito just wandering in again, if and when he pleased.
In the meantime, Tsunehito had escaped to a bathroom on the first floor. Locked in a cubicle, he sat on one of the toilets with his left arm stretched out. He’d been good for so long, but before he knew what he was doing he’d cut deep into his arm with a razor discarded in the sink. He loathed himself for what he had done, and if only a little bit, this pain might match what Asagi was feeling in his heart. He felt a little guilty. Asagi had made him promise to stop self-harming. Tsunehito smiled. They were both as kooky as the other, and only together could they even function properly. He let the blood drip a little more before grabbing a tissue to stop the bleeding. It stung a little as he pressed it, and he had to throw together a make-shift, toilet paper bandage to avoid getting his jacket bloodstained. He wondered if Asagi had come back yet as he peered into the mirror. He still had faint smudges under his eyes from last night’s make up. He relived the moment he came in that stranger’s bed and at that moment wished he was as celibate as Asagi. Sex only brought problems, and this was the biggest yet.
Discarding his shopping, Asagi dropped into a chair in the kitchen. The reality of his situation seemed to hit him all over again, but this time he was angry. Unbearably so. He threw aside some items from the table top in and launched himself from his chair. Throwing open the door to his bedroom, he grabbed as many of Tsunehito’s belongings as possible, tearing and breaking things as he went. He paused for a moment, seemingly satisfied with his outburst. He wasn’t really sure what to do in the aftermath. He hadn’t thought that far ahead, so he just left the damage as it was and went into the living room.
Having that special know-how that cats do, Minya had sensed sorrow in his owner and came to join Asagi as he lay flat out on the couch. Outside, Tsunehito had returned. He stood awkwardly outside the door. He had tried to enter only to find it locked. He heard jangling from behind and turned to see who was approaching. The apartment block Asagi lived in was maintained by an elderly man. He was kind enough, but he was a real busybody. Seeing Tsunehito standing outside the door like a lost soul intrigued him, and he approached him, asking if he’d forgotten his keys.
“Something like that” Tsunehito said, smiling wryly
The old man produced a ring of keys.
“Here. I always have spare ones with me. This is just a one off though”
He forced Tsunehito’s hand open and placed the key in his palm before shuffling off to find something more exciting. Tsunehito unlocked the door and entered like a schoolboy sneaking into class after hours. He didn’t immediately see Asagi, but instead the discarded food items on the table and the things Asagi had thrown in his rage.
“Asagi?”
Asagi bolted up, startled “Didn’t I lock that door!?”
“The landlord, he…” Tsunehito motioned towards the key to explain, before dropping onto the opposite side of the couch.
Tsunehito inhaled deeply. “Just hear me out. Okay?”
He took Asagi’s silence as a green light to continue.
He turned to face Asagi “I’ll never touch alcohol again if it means you’ll give me another chance”
“Did you come back here to make excuses?” Asagi scoffed. He was starting to get angry again. Was he really going to try to pull this off as a drunken mistake?
“No, I just-, argh” He ruffled his hair in frustration “Don’t leave me Asagi. I need you” He moved closer to Asagi.
“I needed you here last night” Asagi retorted “I actually was stupid enough to think you’d gotten hurt or something. As if only that could keep you away from me”
“It meant nothing to me Asagi, and you know that. I called out for you. Maybe I can’t do those things with you… it’s just, I’m human too you know”
“Is that supposed to make me feel better, that you used some stranger in my place to fulfil your fantasies. You’re digging a deeper hole for yourself, you know that?”
Tsunehito closed his mouth in defeat. Asagi was being unusually argumentative and he was running out of things that might actually comfort him. By now he was only inches from Asagi. Spreading his arms out, Tsunehito accidentally brushed against Asagi. “Sorry” he said, pulling his hand away, but Asagi had felt that same electricity as always.
“You know, they say angry sex is the best sex” Tsunehito said shyly, trying to lighten the mood, but he almost immediately regretted what he’d said. He didn’t want Asagi to think this was going to be all about the same thing again. Surprisingly, he got a wry smile in return. He edged a little closer and grasped Asagi’s hand. He didn’t flinch or try to move. He just sort of basked in the moment. In some distorted way, he felt comforted by having that hand there.
Tsunehito could only rely on his preference for the physical again. He drew himself to Asagi’s ear and whispered sweet nothings. He told him a thousand times that he loved him. That no matter the price, the punishment, he was willing to pay it. Tsunehito’s hot breath on his neck made Asagi’s stomach flutter, but he was resisting the temptation. Asagi still had Tsunehito’s hand in his grip and he focused on it to try and pretend he wasn’t getting carried away. He noticed a shred of toilet paper hanging from Tsunehito’s jacket sleeve. He couldn’t see it clearly, but it looked stained. Had Tsunehito been self harming again?
“I won’t forgive you so easily” he said, finally speaking up. He removed himself from Tsunehito’s charms “You need somewhere to stay tonight at least I suppose”
Asagi hurried into the bedroom and made an attempt to clear up his mess. He couldn’t hide all the evidence of his outburst, but he would at least try.
That night, Asagi clambered into bed alone. He listened to the soft pitter-patter of raindrops on his window and stared into the void of the ceiling. He tried to listen to the faint sound of Tsunehito sleeping in the living room. He tried to imagine kicking Tsunehito out and him getting with somebody else. He couldn’t even picture it in his mind, but the old saying goes once a cheat, always a cheat, and Asagi was well aware of the risks of letting Tsunehito stay. Things on his end weren’t going to change anytime soon after all.
Tsunehito eyed the dim glowing red of the alarm clock across the room. It was almost 3am and he still hadn’t slept. It felt weird to be so close, yet so far from his lover, but if this was part of the price he had to pay he couldn’t very well argue about it. He could hear Asagi softly snoring from his bedroom. Maybe the day’s events had simply worn him out. Rolling off the couch into a standing position, Tsunehito padded quietly across the apartment. He quietly pushed open the bedroom door, getting nothing but an inquisitive look from Minya, who had taken a spot at the end of the bed.
He checked to see if Asagi was feigning sleep or not before quietly sliding under the duvet to join him. He slipped his arm around Asagi’s waist and buried his head in his neck. He was warm.
Asagi awoke the moment Tsunehito had moved the duvet. He was a light sleeper, but he didn’t react, and Tsunehito probably thought he was still sleeping at first. Catching the hand Tsunehito had around him, he found what he had expected to find. Fingering the wound gently he whispered into the dark “Why did you do something so stupid?”
“I wanted to share the pain I caused” Tsunehito’s voice was muffled by Asagi’s skin.
Asagi kissed the wound and slipped his fingers into Tsunehito’s. He wasn’t sure how things were going to pan out, but he knew in that moment he couldn’t be without his foolish sweetheart.