Completely Unasked For Review: Star Trekintodarkness!
Okay, I've seen it twice in two days...this time on a 2D screen (thank god), and not two rows from a giant IMAX screen. Yay!
So, here come the
Topless Robot and io9 had reviews that summed up pretty much how I felt about it. The characters were right on (even if Chris Pine looks like a burn victim parody of Kirk, he grows on ya), the relationships between them were great and the action was pretty kick-ass. It was going so well until it hit that one point. The point where I shouted, "Nooooo!!!" like Darth Vaderkin. They went there. They really went there. As soon as the bad guy asked Spock how many missiles there were and he answered, "72," I realized that they did in fact go there. And I cried a little inside. The only thing that could have saved the Khaning of the film was if they had a shot at the end where they reveal he was a different Khan and Khan Noonien Singh was in another pod, all Montalbaned up. I desperately waited for the credit to have a post-scroll scene. Nope.
It wasn't just that they cast a pasty white guy as a dark-skinned Asian character (Continuity only changed 30 years ago, not 300 years ago when he went into cryogenic sleep). It was that the rest of the movie from that point on was about stroking the audiences collective Khan-ises with a wink and a smile. It sorta feels good, but you also feel dirty and ashamed as it's happening. As io9 put it, "the fanservice becomes the movie." And this is why I was disappointed. Cause they did this whole reboot so they could tell new stories without any baggage from the first continuity...and then just cling to the baggage with a fierce tenacity. Once Spock shouts the K word, it is pretty much over. I was just embarrassed for them at that point. Like they turned to the audience and went, "This is what you want, right? Did I pleasure you? Please go out with me again!"
I still have hope, though...that maybe now that they are on their five-year mission at last, they will explore new plots, and new stories...and boldly go where no other Star Trek tale has gone before.
That being said, Here's some random thoughts:
- Spock's bro-love was so very strong. At the end, he blows right past his girlfriend to be with his homey. Bros before Hos, baby!
- In the first movie, Scotty broke the movie by developing a transporter algorithm that essentially made starship travel obsolete. This time around, they synthesize Khan's magic blood. Sooo, I guess now no one will ever die? That can't be good. Congratulations Bones, you broke the universe.
- Josef and Kar3n both had the same thought at the moment the (gravity-defying) Tribble came back to life: Get some blood from another of the 72 supermen you just stole. Seriously, all Bones thinks is, "We need Khan's blood!" As he is pulling out a completely similar ubermensch from a cryogenics pod. We were expecting him to go, "Pull that guy out and...oh, hey...nevermind. Drain this guy's blood. Someone tell Spock to thrown Khan off a building or something, would ya?"
- Our friend, Joe Gatt, was the best crewman on the ship. The android with the seriously freaky-ass voice. I would have been fine with just one line, but he had two. Sweet! Only he could make seemingly innocuous statements sound like, "I am going to kill you in the face...slowly...and screaming."
- Why is Carol Marcus suddenly Australian in this new timeline? Did her father have her shipped off to Oz after Nero popped out of that wormhole 30 years ago? It was a little random.
- So the Klingons (or the ONE that we saw), don't do beards anymore. And they are the Ridgies, not the Ghenghis Puerto Rikhans from TOS. Those poor guys. Either they never took over, or else they are zipping around space while the Ridgies are slumming it in shitty Klingon cities on Cronos.
- Lens flare is everywhere!! But I didn't notice it the first viewing except for one scene. Granted, I could only make out a third of the film cause of my seat. But I noticed it more the second time, even on the credits sequence when they zip around to destroyed planets (what was THAT all about? Planets the ENterprise fucked up on it's 5-year mission?). You cannot escape the flare!!
- Why did Khan put his brothers and sisters into highly explosive torpedoes, again?
- Peter Weller was bad ass. That is all.
- Captain Sulu. It was beaten into your face a little too much (the end scene...really?), but it was awesome. Maybe they were just trying to shut George Takei up.
Any other thoughts? I did like it, I did. Just a little disappointed that they had to resort to rehashing old ideas. It's like you gramma singing Sex Pistols to ya. "But I thought you like those boys." Yes, Gramma, but not when you do it. It's a little sad and desperate when you pander to me.
So, here come the
Topless Robot and io9 had reviews that summed up pretty much how I felt about it. The characters were right on (even if Chris Pine looks like a burn victim parody of Kirk, he grows on ya), the relationships between them were great and the action was pretty kick-ass. It was going so well until it hit that one point. The point where I shouted, "Nooooo!!!" like Darth Vaderkin. They went there. They really went there. As soon as the bad guy asked Spock how many missiles there were and he answered, "72," I realized that they did in fact go there. And I cried a little inside. The only thing that could have saved the Khaning of the film was if they had a shot at the end where they reveal he was a different Khan and Khan Noonien Singh was in another pod, all Montalbaned up. I desperately waited for the credit to have a post-scroll scene. Nope.
It wasn't just that they cast a pasty white guy as a dark-skinned Asian character (Continuity only changed 30 years ago, not 300 years ago when he went into cryogenic sleep). It was that the rest of the movie from that point on was about stroking the audiences collective Khan-ises with a wink and a smile. It sorta feels good, but you also feel dirty and ashamed as it's happening. As io9 put it, "the fanservice becomes the movie." And this is why I was disappointed. Cause they did this whole reboot so they could tell new stories without any baggage from the first continuity...and then just cling to the baggage with a fierce tenacity. Once Spock shouts the K word, it is pretty much over. I was just embarrassed for them at that point. Like they turned to the audience and went, "This is what you want, right? Did I pleasure you? Please go out with me again!"
I still have hope, though...that maybe now that they are on their five-year mission at last, they will explore new plots, and new stories...and boldly go where no other Star Trek tale has gone before.
That being said, Here's some random thoughts:
- Spock's bro-love was so very strong. At the end, he blows right past his girlfriend to be with his homey. Bros before Hos, baby!
- In the first movie, Scotty broke the movie by developing a transporter algorithm that essentially made starship travel obsolete. This time around, they synthesize Khan's magic blood. Sooo, I guess now no one will ever die? That can't be good. Congratulations Bones, you broke the universe.
- Josef and Kar3n both had the same thought at the moment the (gravity-defying) Tribble came back to life: Get some blood from another of the 72 supermen you just stole. Seriously, all Bones thinks is, "We need Khan's blood!" As he is pulling out a completely similar ubermensch from a cryogenics pod. We were expecting him to go, "Pull that guy out and...oh, hey...nevermind. Drain this guy's blood. Someone tell Spock to thrown Khan off a building or something, would ya?"
- Our friend, Joe Gatt, was the best crewman on the ship. The android with the seriously freaky-ass voice. I would have been fine with just one line, but he had two. Sweet! Only he could make seemingly innocuous statements sound like, "I am going to kill you in the face...slowly...and screaming."
- Why is Carol Marcus suddenly Australian in this new timeline? Did her father have her shipped off to Oz after Nero popped out of that wormhole 30 years ago? It was a little random.
- So the Klingons (or the ONE that we saw), don't do beards anymore. And they are the Ridgies, not the Ghenghis Puerto Rikhans from TOS. Those poor guys. Either they never took over, or else they are zipping around space while the Ridgies are slumming it in shitty Klingon cities on Cronos.
- Lens flare is everywhere!! But I didn't notice it the first viewing except for one scene. Granted, I could only make out a third of the film cause of my seat. But I noticed it more the second time, even on the credits sequence when they zip around to destroyed planets (what was THAT all about? Planets the ENterprise fucked up on it's 5-year mission?). You cannot escape the flare!!
- Why did Khan put his brothers and sisters into highly explosive torpedoes, again?
- Peter Weller was bad ass. That is all.
- Captain Sulu. It was beaten into your face a little too much (the end scene...really?), but it was awesome. Maybe they were just trying to shut George Takei up.
Any other thoughts? I did like it, I did. Just a little disappointed that they had to resort to rehashing old ideas. It's like you gramma singing Sex Pistols to ya. "But I thought you like those boys." Yes, Gramma, but not when you do it. It's a little sad and desperate when you pander to me.