Fanfic: Numb
Title: Numb
Pairing: Heechul-centric
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst
Warning: Implied character death
Disclaimer: Not real, made up in my fractured head.
Summary: Heechul makes a decision.
Author’s Note: Forgive any typos, I have no beta. Used prompt 010 Shiver Heechul/Heechul from the SJ 100 fic challenge.
Heechul made his way slowly to his destination. He wasn’t in any hurry. It had taken him 27 years to get to this point. What was another ten minutes? The stairs seemed more appropriate than the elevator and his legs started to ache on the fifth floor. Twenty floors left. Maybe he thought if he took the long way, something would stop this from happening.
There wasn’t any precise moment that had led up to this. It was a lot of things that had just…added up. His first memory of being slapped in the face at the age of five for wetting the bed. The uncle who liked him too much when he was ten. The teasing at school that eventually led to him being a bloody mess on the floor. You don’t get as snarky as he was without something to make you develop that kind of persona.
That feeling of being ignored, even when screaming at the top of your lungs in the middle of the street, as people push past you. The coldness of reality when you sob in the middle of the night and not one person makes a move to comfort you. That feeling of never being enough, no matter how hard you push yourself. Even to the point of exhaustion.
He thinks back to the moments he’d try. The moments when he tried to make his smile sincere or at least hoped someone would notice something was wrong. He’d given up hope that if he believed he was okay enough, it’d be true. It was ironic, his life had dozens of people milling around him, cameras in his face at all hours and no one realized a thing. A smile, a joke, a playful batting of his eyes and people laughed before turning away.
Caring for his members had been easy, but it hadn’t been enough. They hadn’t been able to make the numb feeling leave his body. He couldn’t open himself up to them like he knew they wanted. He’d trust someone once, and watching them walk away had been too much for his heart. It had killed what was left of it.
Reaching the door, he took a deep breath. He knew what brought him here and what could have stopped him. Mattering. Just once, to feel like he mattered. Just once, for someone to smile at him with genuine happiness at seeing him. Someone that gave a shit he sometimes didn’t sleep for days or that he hated himself with a passion that scared him.
Pushing the door open, he shivered at the strong wind whipping around him. A certain calm filled him. It was going to be over in just a moment. No matter staring in the mirror until he gave in and shattered the image in front of him. No more getting on his knees for someone just to please them. No more tear filled nights at the thought that he was nothing but a failure, a lie.
He walked to the edge with determination. Stepping up the edge, he smiled with sadness at the beautiful view. He loved the city. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.
Pairing: Heechul-centric
Rating: PG-13
Genre: Angst
Warning: Implied character death
Disclaimer: Not real, made up in my fractured head.
Summary: Heechul makes a decision.
Author’s Note: Forgive any typos, I have no beta. Used prompt 010 Shiver Heechul/Heechul from the SJ 100 fic challenge.
Heechul made his way slowly to his destination. He wasn’t in any hurry. It had taken him 27 years to get to this point. What was another ten minutes? The stairs seemed more appropriate than the elevator and his legs started to ache on the fifth floor. Twenty floors left. Maybe he thought if he took the long way, something would stop this from happening.
There wasn’t any precise moment that had led up to this. It was a lot of things that had just…added up. His first memory of being slapped in the face at the age of five for wetting the bed. The uncle who liked him too much when he was ten. The teasing at school that eventually led to him being a bloody mess on the floor. You don’t get as snarky as he was without something to make you develop that kind of persona.
That feeling of being ignored, even when screaming at the top of your lungs in the middle of the street, as people push past you. The coldness of reality when you sob in the middle of the night and not one person makes a move to comfort you. That feeling of never being enough, no matter how hard you push yourself. Even to the point of exhaustion.
He thinks back to the moments he’d try. The moments when he tried to make his smile sincere or at least hoped someone would notice something was wrong. He’d given up hope that if he believed he was okay enough, it’d be true. It was ironic, his life had dozens of people milling around him, cameras in his face at all hours and no one realized a thing. A smile, a joke, a playful batting of his eyes and people laughed before turning away.
Caring for his members had been easy, but it hadn’t been enough. They hadn’t been able to make the numb feeling leave his body. He couldn’t open himself up to them like he knew they wanted. He’d trust someone once, and watching them walk away had been too much for his heart. It had killed what was left of it.
Reaching the door, he took a deep breath. He knew what brought him here and what could have stopped him. Mattering. Just once, to feel like he mattered. Just once, for someone to smile at him with genuine happiness at seeing him. Someone that gave a shit he sometimes didn’t sleep for days or that he hated himself with a passion that scared him.
Pushing the door open, he shivered at the strong wind whipping around him. A certain calm filled him. It was going to be over in just a moment. No matter staring in the mirror until he gave in and shattered the image in front of him. No more getting on his knees for someone just to please them. No more tear filled nights at the thought that he was nothing but a failure, a lie.
He walked to the edge with determination. Stepping up the edge, he smiled with sadness at the beautiful view. He loved the city. He took a deep breath and closed his eyes.