Top Ten Fan Fiction Complaints
1. All self-inserts are Mary Sues. Yes. They are. "But I let him pair up with this character!" "Well, you certainly helped things along relationship-wise, didn't you?" "STFU, hater." Right.
2. Batman is not a pedophile. You have to remember, the 1940s-1960s were different from today -- those infamous strip panels are taken out of context. A single man adopting a young boy whose parents were also brutally murdered in public is not a sex thing -- it's a compassion thing. As the 1970s progressed, Bruce and Dick were more like the two sons of Alfred more than father and son -- relationship changed, and maybe even was retconned to be less father-son. So can you ship Dick and Bruce? Sure -- just be real fucking clear with me that this didn't start when Dick was 11. Because no matter how fucked up Bruce is, pedophilia is not something realistically happen -- not to mention that book by what's-his-face that had Martha Wayne working on busting a child sex ring, which led to her being killed. Brucie wouldn't dishonour Mommy like that. He's grown up, he's gay, whatever -- just don't use that logic to say gay = pedophile because he was gay for Dick. (pun intended)
3. Kirk and Spock are NOT GAY. No. I don't care if you think they'd be perfect together or that Spock would be a great looking woman. Kirk has been the lover and/or the could-be-father of every woman in the galaxy. Spock schtoinked Saavik (and got her pregnant in the novel and original script). Stop it -- their sexuality has been established. Even if they were, they wouldn't go for each other, and Kirk would never be true -- Vulcans mate for life, and I don't see monogamy in Kirk's deck, nor do I see a "bitch" sign hanging around Spock's neck. I do see "Hybrid Badass", however.
4. The Doctor's love tastes change with him. Just because he was quasi-obsessed and totally possessive over Rose in his 9th life doesn't mean the 10th harbours the same sort of feelings. So because "Nine loves Rose" according to Rusty, Chris, and Billie doesn't mean "Ten loves Rose" is true. Same Doctor, different lives and regeneration. Different hair, different coping mechanisms, different love tastes -- it's like he has a midlife crisis every time he dies. Batshit crazy shipper people: get over it.
5. Vincent Valentine has working equipment. Hojo messed with him, yes. But he does not have killer RoboCock or zippity down there. I don't care what good drama it is or that (or if) Cid loves him anyway.
5a. See #2. No Shelke -- she's physically 10. No Marlene, unless it's established that it's at least 10 years after DoC -- it's the same thing with the Bruce/Dick gay ship versus the pedophile ship.
5b. I'm sort of annoyed that the Cid/Vincent ship is originally based off of a single line taken out of context in the Haunted Inn in the Golden Saucer. That just annoys me. And the fact that people vehemently deny Cid married Shera, despite it's explicitly said in DoC guides. However, I've read some good IC fic, and I'm not going to write it off due to the crappy majority.
6. Phantom of the Opera fans -- THERE IS NO FUCKING CURE FOR UGLY OR SLIGHTLY NUTS. SORRY. There is no magic cure for Erik's disfigurement. And he is out of his tree, obsessed over this child who grows up in front of his eyes. So don't tell me it's "meant to be" in Leroux or Kay. It's not, and that's the tragedy; at the end of Kay, Charles is a "thanks for playing" prize. If you write fic based off the movie or even the ALW musical -- yes, that is believable. They changed the characters to allow for it, ergo your universe is more plausible. If you do write a Christine/Erik thing based off the book, it needs to be unbelievably messed up. I've read a few good ones out there -- but it ain't gonna be a fairy tale ending with villa in Italy and 9 bazillion kids with Meg and her mommy as next door neighbours if it's based off the book!
7. For all fandoms -- ZOMG CUTTING. What the hell. No. The solution to everything is not /wrists or swan diving off a building -- that won't make the lead see your weaknesses and love you for not being the iron man/maiden. Realistically, that will give them the cue not to even bother with you. Psychotic =/= love. Unless it's Batman and Catwoman -- that's sort of canon.
8. Pirates of the Caribbean -- Jack's a pirate and a horny one. Monogamy does not compute with me for him. And he doesn't even know how to spell it sober. So please -- any romance fic must be open ended unless he's been bedridden without any source of outside contact -- and even then, I'm sure he'd be able to solicit someone somehow, because he's Captain Jack Sparrow, dammit.
9. Holmes/Watson. NO. Just. Call me intolerant, but NO. Holmes/Lestrade? NO! Unless it's Beth Lestrade from Sherlock Holmes and the 22nd Century. That I ship. Holmes/Adler? Fuck yes.
10. The absolute dearth of Laguna Loire fics. Awesomest character in FF8, and he doesn't get too many good fics. And this goes hand in hand with WTF Squall/Laguna. Fuck that. Hell. (shudders) That's the ickiest ship of all time, ranking up there with Terry/Bruce (which falls into my Batman entry anyway, being as Terry's 17..and Bruce is like a hundred something...). I'd even ship Rinoa/Laguna over that ("Hey, you look kinda like your mom." "Hey, you look kinda like my boyfriend except without the emo." "This is win." "Yep (shag).")
2. Batman is not a pedophile. You have to remember, the 1940s-1960s were different from today -- those infamous strip panels are taken out of context. A single man adopting a young boy whose parents were also brutally murdered in public is not a sex thing -- it's a compassion thing. As the 1970s progressed, Bruce and Dick were more like the two sons of Alfred more than father and son -- relationship changed, and maybe even was retconned to be less father-son. So can you ship Dick and Bruce? Sure -- just be real fucking clear with me that this didn't start when Dick was 11. Because no matter how fucked up Bruce is, pedophilia is not something realistically happen -- not to mention that book by what's-his-face that had Martha Wayne working on busting a child sex ring, which led to her being killed. Brucie wouldn't dishonour Mommy like that. He's grown up, he's gay, whatever -- just don't use that logic to say gay = pedophile because he was gay for Dick. (pun intended)
3. Kirk and Spock are NOT GAY. No. I don't care if you think they'd be perfect together or that Spock would be a great looking woman. Kirk has been the lover and/or the could-be-father of every woman in the galaxy. Spock schtoinked Saavik (and got her pregnant in the novel and original script). Stop it -- their sexuality has been established. Even if they were, they wouldn't go for each other, and Kirk would never be true -- Vulcans mate for life, and I don't see monogamy in Kirk's deck, nor do I see a "bitch" sign hanging around Spock's neck. I do see "Hybrid Badass", however.
4. The Doctor's love tastes change with him. Just because he was quasi-obsessed and totally possessive over Rose in his 9th life doesn't mean the 10th harbours the same sort of feelings. So because "Nine loves Rose" according to Rusty, Chris, and Billie doesn't mean "Ten loves Rose" is true. Same Doctor, different lives and regeneration. Different hair, different coping mechanisms, different love tastes -- it's like he has a midlife crisis every time he dies. Batshit crazy shipper people: get over it.
5. Vincent Valentine has working equipment. Hojo messed with him, yes. But he does not have killer RoboCock or zippity down there. I don't care what good drama it is or that (or if) Cid loves him anyway.
5a. See #2. No Shelke -- she's physically 10. No Marlene, unless it's established that it's at least 10 years after DoC -- it's the same thing with the Bruce/Dick gay ship versus the pedophile ship.
5b. I'm sort of annoyed that the Cid/Vincent ship is originally based off of a single line taken out of context in the Haunted Inn in the Golden Saucer. That just annoys me. And the fact that people vehemently deny Cid married Shera, despite it's explicitly said in DoC guides. However, I've read some good IC fic, and I'm not going to write it off due to the crappy majority.
6. Phantom of the Opera fans -- THERE IS NO FUCKING CURE FOR UGLY OR SLIGHTLY NUTS. SORRY. There is no magic cure for Erik's disfigurement. And he is out of his tree, obsessed over this child who grows up in front of his eyes. So don't tell me it's "meant to be" in Leroux or Kay. It's not, and that's the tragedy; at the end of Kay, Charles is a "thanks for playing" prize. If you write fic based off the movie or even the ALW musical -- yes, that is believable. They changed the characters to allow for it, ergo your universe is more plausible. If you do write a Christine/Erik thing based off the book, it needs to be unbelievably messed up. I've read a few good ones out there -- but it ain't gonna be a fairy tale ending with villa in Italy and 9 bazillion kids with Meg and her mommy as next door neighbours if it's based off the book!
7. For all fandoms -- ZOMG CUTTING. What the hell. No. The solution to everything is not /wrists or swan diving off a building -- that won't make the lead see your weaknesses and love you for not being the iron man/maiden. Realistically, that will give them the cue not to even bother with you. Psychotic =/= love. Unless it's Batman and Catwoman -- that's sort of canon.
8. Pirates of the Caribbean -- Jack's a pirate and a horny one. Monogamy does not compute with me for him. And he doesn't even know how to spell it sober. So please -- any romance fic must be open ended unless he's been bedridden without any source of outside contact -- and even then, I'm sure he'd be able to solicit someone somehow, because he's Captain Jack Sparrow, dammit.
9. Holmes/Watson. NO. Just. Call me intolerant, but NO. Holmes/Lestrade? NO! Unless it's Beth Lestrade from Sherlock Holmes and the 22nd Century. That I ship. Holmes/Adler? Fuck yes.
10. The absolute dearth of Laguna Loire fics. Awesomest character in FF8, and he doesn't get too many good fics. And this goes hand in hand with WTF Squall/Laguna. Fuck that. Hell. (shudders) That's the ickiest ship of all time, ranking up there with Terry/Bruce (which falls into my Batman entry anyway, being as Terry's 17..and Bruce is like a hundred something...). I'd even ship Rinoa/Laguna over that ("Hey, you look kinda like your mom." "Hey, you look kinda like my boyfriend except without the emo." "This is win." "Yep (shag).")