I think there might be something actually wrong with me. o_o
And I don't just mean that thing I never seem to get and need to see a doctor about. Like...I don't know. For a long time I've just been feeling almost bipolar. I'm NOT bipolar, because I've seen bipolar and...hooboy. But sometimes I go "Wow...what?" when I look back on things. Like...I don't know...just at the drop of a hat I'll suddenly feel so extremely depressed I just want to curl up in bed and cry forever and never want to get up again because waaaaah no one will miss me they'll be happier with me goooooone.
And then I'll feel fine for a few minutes.
Then just the DUMBEST thing will be said and I'll want to curl up and disappear forever again.
And then I'm fine.
And then it happens again.
Oh I'm fine now.
Wait, nevermind. Want to leave now, thanks.
Like, yesterday I started crying just randomly while I was taking a shower. I don't know WHY but I did. I just couldn't bounce back after that. And then today I was sobbing for all of it, I barely spent any time actually SHOWERING. But for the past, like, week I've just felt...off. Lethargic, indifferent, disinterested, sad...just...off. This isn't the best start off for a new year. The first few days were exciting, but then I started getting more and more reality checks.
Tablet? No. A hoodie? No. A BOYFRIEND? No, sorry, you're like my sister. I'm sick of being the fucking 'sister' all the damn time when I want to be with someone. How am I the sister!? What do I DO to NOT be the sister?!
There's more, I just don't really feel like turning this into one of those epic long 'Waaaaaaah I'm a crybaby!' posts. Just...mmf. I don't feel right lately. Basically the point is what the heck? Why do I feel so weird lately? Just the simplest things make me throw a fit, and alienated, and ostracized, even! And I cry and cry and cry and...ugh. I just...I don't like feeling this way. I don't WANT to feel this way anymore. I'm getting sick of it! I hate it so much, but the harder I try the more I second guess myself and regret the things I do when trying so hard. Am I annoying? Are the people around me just getting sick of me? Is that why I feel this way? Because they're annoyed and don't want me around anymore and just wish I'd go away? I mean, it's probably not true but I just can't NOT worry like this, y'know? I try really hard, but the harder I try the worse these feelings get.
Ugh.
And then I'll feel fine for a few minutes.
Then just the DUMBEST thing will be said and I'll want to curl up and disappear forever again.
And then I'm fine.
And then it happens again.
Oh I'm fine now.
Wait, nevermind. Want to leave now, thanks.
Like, yesterday I started crying just randomly while I was taking a shower. I don't know WHY but I did. I just couldn't bounce back after that. And then today I was sobbing for all of it, I barely spent any time actually SHOWERING. But for the past, like, week I've just felt...off. Lethargic, indifferent, disinterested, sad...just...off. This isn't the best start off for a new year. The first few days were exciting, but then I started getting more and more reality checks.
Tablet? No. A hoodie? No. A BOYFRIEND? No, sorry, you're like my sister. I'm sick of being the fucking 'sister' all the damn time when I want to be with someone. How am I the sister!? What do I DO to NOT be the sister?!
There's more, I just don't really feel like turning this into one of those epic long 'Waaaaaaah I'm a crybaby!' posts. Just...mmf. I don't feel right lately. Basically the point is what the heck? Why do I feel so weird lately? Just the simplest things make me throw a fit, and alienated, and ostracized, even! And I cry and cry and cry and...ugh. I just...I don't like feeling this way. I don't WANT to feel this way anymore. I'm getting sick of it! I hate it so much, but the harder I try the more I second guess myself and regret the things I do when trying so hard. Am I annoying? Are the people around me just getting sick of me? Is that why I feel this way? Because they're annoyed and don't want me around anymore and just wish I'd go away? I mean, it's probably not true but I just can't NOT worry like this, y'know? I try really hard, but the harder I try the worse these feelings get.
Ugh.