The Adventures and Misadventures of..
So we have to get power converters for our laptops, so we put in a call to the Front Desk and they say they'll send someone right over. Not being the only one in the room, I go into the shower. At this point, the boy hadn't gotten there yet.
So by the time I get out of the shower, I hear voices, one of them distinctly male. So I wait around in my towel until I hear the door close, at which point I already at least have my panties and bra on so I pretty much shed the towel and saunter merrily into the room without a care in the world.
What I actually heard was the door closing behind him as he came in to try and set the power converters up.
All I saw was my mother's face. She had gone positively white. Putting two and two together, I just turn to face the other way and saunter, just as merrily, back into the bathroom, knowing the guy is right behind me.
Yeah.
It gets better.
We needed one more power converter. So he has to go and come back. Now when I flashed him, I didn't see him. By the time he comes back, I'm the one to answer the door.
I knew it was him simply for the look on his face when he saw me. It was just.. So priceless. Moreso by the fact that I pretty much acted like I simply did not care and this was the most normal thing in the world. I think I blew his little mind. I mean, I'm not the most hideous thing on earth- But I'm just One Of Those People, you know? Not ugly, not pretty, just the kind of face you forget. But when said face is attached to a half naked body that's lobster red from an obnoxiously hot shower and hasn't jogged in over a month? Yeah. That will scar you.
Something tells me this trip will become epic.
Now, as those of you who have known me for longest know, I have a bad case of epilepsy. Or had. For the past 6 months I have been on medication that works incredibly well.
But here's the draw back.
This pill has to be swallowed in no more than .003 seconds. If not it will explode in your mouth in a taste so bad you will see your life flash before your eyes as your body screams at you in rage for subjecting it to that by making you gag like you just swallowed your own urine.
This will last for no less than three hours. And there is, really, no way of keeping your dignity during it. The taste is so bad that you can't even think anything aside from AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAFGGGGGFKJDSGHDKJGDHSFKJLDSCJNKDSLFSDGKJLHDFJKLSDGHSEIUHYFUEIYILDSFIO C NHJKSFLNDSLET ME DIIIIE
So I usually take this pill with a lot of food, water and deals with God.
Anyway. This being a hotel, I head down to breakfast for said lots of food and water. But today I feel adventurous. Instead of water, I ask the waiter in the middle of the crowded hotel restaurant for soda. I'm looking around and the thing is positively filled to the brim with people. And by people I mean most of what you'd expect in Amsterdam during the summer: Obnoxious college age Americans with bad facial hair. Worst yet, to my right, are these really bitchy looking Japanese girls who kept rolling their eyes every three seconds and sounding positively.. Afg. Looking around, all I can really think is that, wow, thank God for my sense of dignity so that I can look at these people and actually feel intelligent and overall wholesome person. I'm just scarfing down my toast to keep me from bitch slapping one of them for posterity. So the waiter brings my soda and I merrily pop the pill in my mouth and chug.
My eyes water.
I double over because I knew soda would be spurting out of my mouth in speeds NASA could be impressed by.
By the time realization dawns on me I'm already trying to cover my mouth as best I can after pretty much drenching the table in front of me in soda and trying to keep my eyeballs from popping out of their sockets.
You see, I hadn't realized that, in fact, Pill which takes .003 seconds to melt in your mouth and cause you unholy amounts of pain + Carbonated, sugar filled beverage = NO SWEET GOD ALMIGHTY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY DID I DO THAT OH GOD.
I can't really stop myself from gagging soda, breakfast and what I'm pretty sure was the remnants of a cheeseburger I ate three days ago all over the place so I cover my mouth and do this 1000 yard sprint to the nearest bathroom like my pants were on the fire of Satan's asscrack himself.
Mhy mind is pretty much gone at this point and the only thing I can think of is to GET THAT TASTE OFF MY MOUTH GOD WHY. I actually have my head underneath a tap in one of the sinks just drwoning myself in water. This one waitress came to see if I was okay and, yet again, the look on her face was pretty priceless.
I don't think I'll be showing my face in that restaurant any time soon.
So I started off my grand adventure over at the Cheese and Windmill tour.
No. I am not trying to be witty. I really did just spend the past 6 hours in a cheese and windmill tour.
The long story is the tour I wanted, the one of the Ducth Countryside, was full. The only one left was, indeed, the exciting world of cheese and windmills.
But, before the cheese but not after the windmills, we went to a village that was having a cheese festival (DO YOU UNDERSTAND WHY I AM GROWING A HATRED OF THE WORD CHEESE) But heres the thing: This village is tinytinytiny, and myabe 400 or so years old.
Guys, it is like something right out of a fairytale. I swear, this is the village they use to tape every fantasy movie ever. But.. It's not even so much fantasy as fairytale. It's all small and joined together with wooden details and those signs in German with those curling letters.. Really reminded me of that Snow Queen movie.
Took some neat pics. Again, camera is busted, so I have to wait to get home, get the memmory card, go to Eckerd, make a CD, get the CD to not work, go back to Eckerd and get a new CD if my trip from Italy is anything to go by.
Oh yes.
And leave it to me to wander into a DUTCH RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL. During this whole cheese festival thing, they were having what looked to be a dutch renaissance festival. COMPLETE WITH COSTUMES CAN I GET A HELLS YEAH? They really went all out with them. I was asking what was the dutch for "WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THAT FABRIC?"
I'm a little pathetic.
Things only got more fun, however, when the tour ended and I realized the ending spot? Not the same as the starting spot.
And I didn't have enough money with me for a cab. Actually, I didn't have any money. At all. No dollars, no Euro, nothing.
That was pretty much my last three hours. Wandering around Amsterdam, without a cent on me, looking for my hotel. At one point the possibility that I would never find the hotel and miss my plane and have to take up a job as a lolita prostitute to pay my own way to the American Embassy to plead my heart wrenching case in front of an skeevy embassador who would only help me if I agreed to life as his lover hiding as the nurse of his ill wife was really quite vivid.
Oh.
And what I learnt during that experience. Well. Aside from realizing I read way too much De Sade.
Coffee shops? Not really coffee shops.
But, on a related note, There are few things funnier than a drugged up Dutchman.
(Okay, basically, Coffee shops are what they call drug shops pretty much from what I can gather.)
Since I am now completely money less, I am going to sit on my ass and stay online. Well. Even if I did have money I'd at least stay put for a couple more hours till I get FEELING BACK IN MY FEET. If I manage to get to my account later, however, I'm thinking of taking a night tour or just a walking tour. Actually, it's great.
So I'm looking through the brochure for night tours or whatever, right? This is what I see.
Evening Cruise.
14.50
Children: 10.00
Every Evening At 8:00pm, 9:00pm, 10:00pm
A guided tour through the beautifully illuminated canals and "Red Light District" of Amsterdam.
Can you see this?
Kid: Mommy, Can I get a souvenier?
Mother: Not until you turn 15, dear.
Oh, those crazy Dutch. Actually, I am curious. They say that prostitution is a legal career, which makes sense, if you ask me. That way it's easier to control. They even have a worker's union. But I wonder if they get healthcare? I know they get health checks, but I wonder if they get like health care and benefits. It'd be pretty neat if they did. I dunno, I really think this is the best way of going about this.
Hm. I was going to ask the tour guide but I was a bit worried of offending her. Like I'd be implying that she "would know".
...God I've been in America for way too long if I'm worried about things like this.