A Flawed Fragility: Chapter 20
Author: TheLadyHoll
Pairing: Andy/Miranda
Rating: PG13
Disclaimer: Yes, they are mine. I own them. Come to me my pretties and dance, DANCE I SAY. Or, more truthfully, not...
Chapter 20: A Question of Faith
So we get a little philosophical in this chapter, but it was on my mind, so it ended up in my writing - hence the 1500 words of soliloquizing you are about to read. Also, in my attempt to force myself to write the unsavory or angstier parts of life, I wanted to address an issue generally considered taboo in the realm of 'public writing'. In my case at least, Miranda being Miranda and being someone who does not suffer fools gladly, I thought she would have a distinct opinion regarding the role of religion or spirituality in her life.
Of course 'Miranda's' views or 'Andy's' will not be everybody's - but this is how I've written them and how I see them and of course 'She who doth have the keyboard hath the power.' ;) So therefore, DISCLAIMER ALERT.
As always, let me know what you think! I'll cheat a little & entice you to review by saying that the next chapter we see the pre-Paris craziness begin & Caroline and Cassidy go through some growing pains & make a shocking decision. Also...BABY NAMES ;)
Her back was turned to the door as she faced the window, and at first Andy thought she was talking to herself or the babies, but as she came closer she could make out a certain rhythm to the words that shocked her more than anything else. Miranda was praying. Frozen, Andy watched as Miranda's lips moved almost without sound as she whispered fervent pleas to an unknown deity.
"Miranda," Andy's voice cracked as she knelt down beside the editor's chair.
"What else is there to do? Nothing I have accomplished, no amount of wealth can…" the older woman trailed off. "God knows," here she paused again before barking out a harsh laugh at the unintentional irony of her words, the sound making Andy cringe at the emptiness. "God knows I have hardly lived a faultless life. It's true, I am self-absorbed, cold, often uncaring and even cruel…" She turned once more to Andrea, but instead of the bitter self-loathing Andy had seen fill the other woman's eyes only moments ago, they now turned to her beseechingly; looking for all the world like a child, clinging to the hope she hadn't been abandoned. "Surely, surely God wouldn't be so cruel as to punish my children for my faults and my wrongs?"
"No sweetheart, no. No, no, no - I don't believe for one second that that is how God works."
"What do you believe?" the words were spoken quietly as if the speaker were unsure they really wanted to hear the answer.
They hadn't ever discussed their beliefs or religious views before now. Truthfully, even though they had committed to each other fully, there was still so much they didn't know about the other. When they thought about it, the amount of blanks needing to be filled in was astounding and not a bit overwhelming.
Andy considered her words carefully, knowing they were on shaky ground where neither felt in charge of the situation. "If you're asking about my religious background, I was raised Pentecostal, although we certainly weren't at church every Sunday. For my own purposes and in my adult life, I don't really ascribe to any one particular religion or religious institution. There's just too much corruption and hypocrisy for me to be able to feel right about the institution of 'the church' as a whole. But I do believe in God; wholeheartedly. I can't imagine for one minute that there is not a greater purpose to this life, but instead of going to church by rote or reciting a rosary, I try and focus on where I can see God in my everyday life." She smiled at Miranda now, "like when I said there wasn't a day I didn't look heavenward and thank God for you. That was literal, Miranda, there's too much to be coincidental. There is too much variability in life to think it was all down to some quirk of science that came from nothing. How can a random event be random if the world truly is based only on science and correlating mathematical values?"
Miranda looked at the younger woman and then down at her rounded belly, thinking of the number of seemingly unrelated and impossible factors that had to come together for any of this to happen. For her to have conceived these babies at nearly 50 years old, for her girls to have called Andrea of all people because everyone else had been busy? For the young woman to answer the phone after so much time had passed and on the terms they had parted on.
"I agree," came the soft response as Miranda moved her gaze to the window once more, stroking her stomach absently. "I was raised primarily Jewish, although my mother was staunchly Catholic; since I left home as a teenager however, neither has played an overwhelming role in my life. But yes, I think to believe that the world, that we are here by chance is a sign of great ignorance. As someone who has studied design for most of her life, I understand the many intricacies and patterns of cause and effect, and as someone who has made it her career to control those intricacies I can tell you there is nothing even remotely random about even the most abstract of designs. It is all so carefully and painstakingly calculated. Even the most 'random' or carelessly thrown together designs are made up of distinct physical patterns and follow the rudimentary laws of physics and geometry. And so I do not believe the 'universe' and what it has taken to get to this point of progress and evolution, is a random act of science. There is an editor somewhere in the sky," she smiled ruefully and the tightness in Andrea's chest eased slightly as bit by bit, Miranda returned to herself.
"How else does one explain what we see as a universal code of ethics or laws of morality? There is no evolutionary or scientific explanation for love other than as a deleterious mental defect that affects 99% of the population. 'Love' as it may be experienced, serves no other purpose. It is certainly of no measurable or quantifiable benefit to me to ensure the happiness of my children. Their survival? Yes, of course - but their happiness? In fact it is the opposite, I sacrifice and weaken myself for them, and I do so willingly, gladly even." Miranda trailed off again for a long moment.
"I find myself wanting to be angry at God, as it seems I have been for so much of my life. I realize this is futile, and yet if there is the slightest chance my children would be spared I would gladly fall to my knees and beg forgiveness."
"Miranda, whatever happens will NOT be your fault or because of anything you've done that could be considered 'morally questionable'; and I guarantee you it will not be an act of retribution or vengeance by God. If He is God, he wouldn't be so petty, and if He were, then He wouldn't be God - at least not as I truly believe Him to be." Now it was Andy's turn to go silent before asking Miranda, "Have you ever talked to the girls about this?"
"Not as such. They were baptized in the Catholic Church at Jeremy's mother's bequest, and I agreed because of my own mother - and when their grandfather died several years ago we talked about what happened when a person died."
"Do you want these babies to be baptized?"
"I don't know. Truly, I despise what the 'Church' has come to stand for, and to commit my children to an institution that wouldn't condone our relationship and would teach them their mothers are going to hell…I can't imagine exposing them to that kind of bigotry and small-mindedness. But a part of me also wishes to know that they have whatever protection I can give them, both while I am alive and after I'm gone."
"You promised you weren't going to talk about that," Andy muttered darkly, her breath catching as it always did at the thought of life without Miranda.
Miranda didn't appear to hear her and continued, "How do I reconcile myself with 'committing' my children to an institution that preaches hate in the same breath it does love?"
"So we teach them. We teach them what it is to be a good person. Even if we do baptize them, that doesn't mean we'll be sending them off to a convent school. Like I said, I don't align myself with any one 'religion' or 'dogma' inside of Christianity but I do believe in God, and more than anything else - or any other rule or restriction society has imposed upon the idea of God; I believe with everything in me that God cares about love more than anything else, that God IS love. For two people to be committed to each other, and love each other…so much has changed since the days when a man and woman were together to ensure survival and continuation of the human race; and all that aside, sweetheart, we don't have to decide right now. Right now we can hope and pray and do everything we can to grow these babies big and strong, and that includes feeding them."
The younger woman rose to her feet. "I'm going to go talk to Cass and Caro. I think the food should probably be here in 20 minutes or so."
"And how would you know that?"
"Pizza always takes about a half hour; and the girls are upset, and when they're upset the answer is always pizza," Andy grinned, wrinkling her nose as she did so, "maybe they do take after me more than I thought."
Miranda watched the younger woman as she disappeared down the stairs, graceful and graceless at the same time in the way that only she could manage. Taking a few grounding breaths, Miranda thought back to Andrea's admission of gratitude for whatever higher power had brought them together before letting her head fall back against her chair, feeling the gentle kicks of her babies beneath her hands and taking a page from the younger woman's book and thanking whatever power was responsible for putting Andrea in her life. Andrea was her miracle and a gift she knew she didn't deserve.
Another flutter beneath her hand on her right side drew Miranda's attention back to the present as she murmured to her daughter. "Yes, yes, I haven't forgotten you my loves, you're my miracles too, both of you. So you my darling," she trailed her fingers over her right side, "please, you have to grow for mommy. I want to meet you and your brother so badly, and so do your mama and sisters."
The doorbell rang then and Miranda stood up, smiling ruefully as she noticed how she had begun to sit with her legs spread slightly to accommodate her belly and that she was unable to cross her legs as she once had. Even in standing, she had moved her feet slightly forward and used the arms of the chair for support. She was sure it made her look even more ungainly than she felt, but all she felt at the moment was grateful that the babies had grown enough to make it difficult to stand, and it was her fervent desire that they grew enough to make it all but impossible in the coming months so she could deliver two healthy children.
Unfamiliar voices sounded from downstairs and Miranda frowned. Surely, Andrea had paid for the food. She knew the young woman was friendly but even so she couldn't imagine her striking up a conversation with a delivery person in the open doorway of her home.
Fear gripped her heart as she flashed back to the night of the assault, and for a terrifying moment she thought it must be Stephen at the door. He wouldn't violate the conditions of bail though would he? He stood to gain nothing by further attempts at intimidation, especially one as blatant as coming to their door. The voices however, that had been raised at first, had quieted slightly and she moved towards the staircase - dry mouthed at the thought of facing Stephen but equally terrified at the thought of something happening to her girls or Andrea.
"Andy!"
"Mom? Dad?" The young woman had opened the door with her foot, two twenties held between her teeth as she fished around in her wallet for change - but instead of a spotty-faced youth bearing two circles of hot, melted cheesy bliss, she came face to face with her parents who looked as though they had come straight from the airport judging by the suitcases being piled behind them by the harassed looking cabbie.
"Wh-what are you doing here?"
"Andy? Is that the pizza?" One redhead skidded into the hallway, quickly followed by another.
"What's taking so long? Oh… Hi."
"Girls, um, oh crap." The pizza delivery man had just pulled up behind the cab. Andy pushed past her parents, shoving some of the money into the confused looking teenager's hand and what was left as a tip for the cabbie before rushing back into the house with the pizzas, which she unloaded onto the equally confused looking pre-teens.
"Okaaay, girls can you take these into the kitchen and finish setting the table please?
"But Andy, we just did th-"
"Please!" Andy's voice had taken on a hysterical tinge and the two redheads disappeared back into the townhouse.
Taking a deep breath before she turned around again, going to collect her parents from where they still stood on the front stoop.
"Andy? Sweetheart?"
"Hey, you're back from your cruise! How was it? Oh wait, wait come in. Actually, no, no don't come in. This isn't, it's not a good time. What are you doing here? I never heard back from you after my email and I thought your cruise didn't finish until next week?"
"We didn't want to respond in an email," her mother offered.
"We didn't know WHAT to say. Andrea do you know how crazy this all sounds?" Richard Sachs ran a hand through his thinning hair, obviously cycling between fifty different emotions.
"Sweetheart, look," her mother continued placatingly, her voice taking on a wheedling tone as though willing her daughter to see sense.
"The last thing we knew before we left for vacation was that you were working at The Mirror and dating occasionally and settling into your new life after a year that nearly destroyed you and all your friendships after working at that magazine, for HER."
"Do you know who HER is? Are you aware that you are standing outside HER's house right now?"
"We were led to believe you lived here now. Certainly you can decide when and what company to have."
"Yes. I can. And right now? Like I said? This isn't a good time, it's just not. The trial began today and we had a doctor's appointment and now you show up out of the blue, no call, and want to meet Miranda? NOW?"
"Andrea Marie Sachs. We certainly have a right to meet the person you are LIVING with and by all accounts mean to have a child with."
"No. Not now you don't. If you do, it's because I allow you to, because I respect you, and love you and appreciate everything you have done for me. But I'm all grown-up. Have been for a while; and my responsibility right now is my family.
"But we're your family…"
"And you always will be. But this right here? Those two girls you just saw? The woman who right now is upstairs and sick and exhausted and carrying MY son and my daughter? They are my family. They're who I need to protect right now."
"From us? Andy, we're your parents!"
Andy slumped back against the front door, suddenly exhausted herself and she rubbed a tired hand across her face. "Look. We're just going around in circles now. I appreciate the fact that you care about me, and want to protect me and I know that logically extends to meeting the woman I intend to spend the rest of my life with…"
"What?"
"The rest of your life?"
"Andy, really."
"No! No, stop it! You're doing it again! And you think I want to expose Miranda to this when you're coming at all this half-cocked and fired up? You've been gone the last three months. Even if you HAVE been following the papers, I can bet you you don't have all the details. The last thing Miranda needs, that I need, is to have you come in, guns blazing when everyone is tired and emotional and start throwing accusations around."
"But Andy," her mother's voice turned from wheedling to outright pleading. "Think, just THINK about this for a minute. How do you know she's not just using you as some sort of… as something, as - as an assistant with benefits? She needs someone right now and you're so kindhearted that we're afraid you can't see that she could be using you…"
"Not as kind-hearted as you think," Andy replied, her heart breaking a little even as her voice turned cold. "Get out. I am asking you to please leave."
"Andy, be reasonable," her father tried to rejoinder.
"Reasonable? I think the time for reason is looong since passed, don't you think?" Andy laughed harshly, the anger marring her usually sweet features alarming both. "You've come to my home, uninvited, and attacked the person I've told you I love? You say you want to meet her and then accuse her of using me in the same sentence. Look, I know, I KNOW it's a lot to take in. But I had hoped you would do me the courtesy of at least acting like adults about this.
"Where are we to go? To sit in the airport until morning and wait for a flight out to Ohio?"
"It seems you're certainly comfortable enough using her money."
"OUR!" Andy all but screamed, "OUR money, OUR house, OUR children."
"Honey, don't you see? All those things are Miranda's. What are you giving her in return, other than…"
"What, sex? Is that what you think this is about? My God, have you seen the woman? She could have anyone she wants"
"So could you, Andy! You just have to keep looking! You're such a beautiful girl and so smart!"
"Don't you get it? I don't WANT anyone else. I choose Miranda, I will ALWAYS choose Miranda. And yes, I am beautiful, and I'm smart and I'm good at my job. Miranda makes me feel all those things about myself and about a million more. But even if I weren't she would still love me." A muffled thump behind the door and the faint movement of the curtain in the living room window reminded Andy of where she was and she held her hands up to stop any further argument from her parents.
"I'm going to go back inside now, where I am supposed to be having dinner and a movie night with my family. I will call you a cab, and you can go and wait in the airport if you so desire, or you can go to The Carlton where there will be a room waiting for you by the time you get there. Don't worry about the cost, WE'VE taken care of it for you. Maybe in a few weeks we can talk again, but if it's going to go anything like tonight then don't expect Miranda or the girls to be there." And with that, Andy turned and went back inside the townhouse, leaning her forehead heavily against the door as she used her phone to quickly make the arrangements for her parents.
"You," Miranda stared past her and through the door. "You left your parents outside…for, for me?" the older woman looked as though a feather could knock her down as she stood halfway down the staircase.
"Hey!" Andy hurried over, slipping her phone back into her pocket as she reached out both arms to steady the white-faced editor.
"There is no way in hell I'm going to put you through another inquisition after everything today. We're supposed to keep your blood pressure DOWN remember? And I know I'm not supposed to fuss but-"
"But Andrea, your parents…"
"Yes, we've established that. They are my parents, but YOU are my family. My parents raised me to know family is everything, so unless that lesson was wrong, they'll come around, and if they don't then as much as it's going to hurt, they're not my family."
"Because we're your family, right?" A small voice piped up from beside Andy's elbow.
"That's right, munchkin."
"So you're not leaving?" Now Andy noticed the second redhead hovering in the doorway. She held her other arm out and the little girl ran to share in the embrace, throwing her arms around Andy and her twin.
"No baby, I'm not leaving. I'm not ever leaving, remember?"
"Even if the babies don't make it?"
Miranda looked ill at the words, but said nothing, letting Andrea answer the question by herself as she was still unsure of the answer.
"Nothing is going to take me away from you guys, okay? And like I told your mom, we're going to do everything we can to grow these babies big and strong - and right now that includes dinner. Is everything all set up?"
"Yes, Andy."
"Okie doke. Skedaddle then, we'll be right in."
"Andrea you can't be alright."
"But I am. Did it suck to feel like I had to kick my own parents out of my house? Yes, undeniably, NOT a great feeling. Did I think it was necessary? Yes. And I know, I know that you would have been gracious and sat through an evening of awkward small talk and passive aggressive comments. I know you would do that for me, and at some point you'll probably have to. But not tonight; if you really want to make me feel better you'll let me take care of YOU tonight, okay?" She paused, "Gotta earn my keep somehow. I made reservations for them at The Carlton. I'm sorry, I know I should have asked you first and it's a lot of money."
"Andrea, Andrea I don't care about the money, you know that; and you know you don't need to ask me. It's a shared account, both of our names are on it. I don't ever want you to feel like you 'owe me' anything or that you need to somehow earn your keep or anything that preposterous."
"I know that, and I know that it's just my parents screwing with my head, and that you are Superwoman Priestly, I know that. Just let me fuss over you and coddle you and spoil you tonight, okay? For my own sanity. So nooo more talking. You're going to sit on the couch and eat lots of cheesy pizza with whatever crazy topping the babies tell you to put on it; and then I'm going to give you that foot massage you were talking about earlier - and after THAT I think it's going to be an early night for everybody."
"The Book?"
"Is being taken care of by Nigel and Emily, who will go over what corrections they feel need to be made either before or after the MI6 meeting."
"MI6?" Miranda's brow wrinkled.
"Crap, didn't mean to say that out loud," Andy sighed and then looked sheepish as she explained. "Miranda's Marvelous Maternity Model Management Meeting - see? And you know, you're originally from England, so there, MI6…'
Miranda pinched the bridge of her nose. "Really, Andrea? Please tell me that you are the only Runway denizen who has heard that particular phrase."
"WellmaybeEmlyandNigelandokaypossiblySerenatoomayhavehearditonceortwiceinagroupimessagewiththattitle…" she mumbled sheepishly. "But hey! I'm a writer, alliteration is part and parcel!" Andrea enunciated the twin p's, looking inordinately proud of herself at the bit of punnery she had just pulled off.
"So," she clapped her hands together. "What do La babies Priestly desire this evening?"
Miranda sighed dramatically, her shoulders drooping slightly as she glared down at her stomach. "I think they do this just to upset me…"
"Oh come on, how bad can it be?"
Forty-five minutes into the movie, the older woman was finishing her third slice of cheese pizza, layered thickly with strawberry 'not raspberry Andrea, really!' jam and topped with fish crackers much to the disgust of the twins and the bemusement of Andy.
Miranda was even more grateful than usual to feel Andrea's hands on her body as they watched the rest of the movie. Even when they weren't rubbing her (admittedly) swollen feet, they massaged her calves and traced lazy but loving patterns over her arms and shoulders during the times the warm palms weren't resting on the top shelf of her belly and soothing the inevitable indigestion she had begun to feel after every meal now that the babies were pushing her organs up. The feeling of being so totally and completely loved, was as addictive as it was foreign to the editor and she found herself craving the younger woman's touch as she had never expected to. Indeed, she had warned Andrea of the opposite, saying she would prefer to sleep alone at times, and that physical demonstration of affection was likely to be a limited occurrence. Miranda snorted internally, so much for that happening. She doubted she could have stopped the girl even if she had wanted do, that affection came so easily to her; and Miranda found herself reciprocating. When the budding journalist would come to bed at the end of a long day, Miranda would run her fingers through the long, brown locks, scratching her scalp lightly and making the young woman almost purr in content.
Perhaps it was simply hormones, another effect of the babies on her body and temperament, because she certainly found herself unable even to keep her own hands from mapping the roundness of her belly at seemingly every hour of the day. Andrea had pointed it out once or twice, looking so charmed that Miranda of course had vehemently denied it, scoffing at the idea she could appear so sentimental or maudlin. It was dangerous, she told herself, to appear that way, at least in public.
But at home, here, was a different matter, and it felt like the babies that were still growing resolutely beneath her heart were always sheltered by a pair of hands, and more often than not, not hers alone. Caroline and Cassidy would generally spend a few minutes every evening talking or reading to the babies and taking turns feeling them kick so that they would recognize their voices once they were born. They had almost finished the first Harry Potter book, and Miranda was sure the others would follow in quick succession now that the twins had discovered during their research that the babies' ears were fully formed and they could hear them even from inside the womb. And Andrea had her hands on the babies it seemed as often as she did herself, and she loved that unspoken fact - that hidden little piece of knowledge that was all hers and that she could recall from the corners of her mind when the bleakness of reality set in.
When Miranda emerged from the bathroom that evening, her heart gave a familiar leap as she saw the brunette sprawled across the bed surrounded by her reporter's pad and notes. Dismayed now as she felt a familiar moisture behind her eyes she wrote it off as a side effect of the complete exhaustion she was feeling and let her robe fall carelessly to the floor in her haste to get to the younger woman's side.
She was almost asleep when she whispered 'thank you', mumbling the word into Andy's side and then frowning in annoyance as her warm pillow shifted and moved away.
Andy sat up against the headboard. "What are you thanking me for, Miranda? You don't need to, we already discussed this. Sweetheart
Pulled back into consciousness, Miranda eased herself up on one elbow as she tried to explain. "My God, Andrea, when I think of everything you've done for me during this pregnancy…" she trailed off, seemingly at a loss for words. "And to know that without you I would have lost these babies already."
"Miranda, you don't know that."
"Yes! I do! You heard the doctor and I am old enough to know myself and my faults. And losing," she faltered slightly, "losing them would have destroyed me, WILL destroy me if it happens. To fail at something so basic as keeping my children alive." She choked back what felt like the millionth angry sob since the night Andrea had come back into their lives. "To know I have failed - looking at you, knowing what I owe to you, which is everything precious in my life…"
"Miranda, love, listen to me, please! That's not the way this thing works. It's not a running total or a tally of who owes whom or for what. You say you feel in my debt, but what about what you've given me? You have given me a home, the freedom to pursue a career of my choosing and not one necessitated by rent. A family with the woman I love, TWO beautiful daughters - who are SO smart and so funny and so kind, because of YOU, your influence and how you've raised them."
"Had them raised you mean," Miranda whispered bitterly, still caught in her trap of self-recrimination.
"No!" Andy shook her head violently, causing her long ponytail to whip against her cheeks with the motion.
"Two beautiful daughters," she repeated firmly. "As well as the two you are carrying now. I could not love our children more if I had been the one to bring them into this world. And you, Miranda, you've given me your heart and there isn't a day goes by that I don't look skyward at the end of every day and thank God for that gift, for that miracle, for YOU."
Tears streamed down Miranda's face, but instead of the tight pressure in her chest that had always come with crying, she instead felt a release from the awful emotions of the day and an overwhelming sense of peace as she moved from sitting on top of the comforter to draping herself on top of the precious body stretched out next to her on the bed and laying her head overtop the steady heartbeat as fingers tangled gently in her hair and urged her even closer. She was unconscious before Andy had had a chance to get underneath the covers, not waking even as the brunette carefully maneuvered them into a better position to sleep. Her head had jerked once when Andy had scooched down further into the bed, but at the first faint movement Andy instantly reached over to rub her belly and the older woman settled back down still asleep, her breathing evening out once more at the comforting circles.
God, but she loved this woman… At times it seemed as though she would always be impossible and infuriating, but then she would show the depth of her love in all the little 'Miranda' ways - and then there were times like now when she was in Andy's arms and she would fall asleep when you stroked her belly. Impossibly precious moments that Andy would replay over and over in her mind throughout the day. Moments and thoughts of her 'family'.
So a little bit of fluff? Am I forgiven for the mass dosage of angst so far? I can also tell you the next chapter will be part-angst, part-tooth rotting fluff & part-hilarity mixed in with a teensy bit of smut ;)
Pairing: Andy/Miranda
Rating: PG13
Disclaimer: Yes, they are mine. I own them. Come to me my pretties and dance, DANCE I SAY. Or, more truthfully, not...
Chapter 20: A Question of Faith
So we get a little philosophical in this chapter, but it was on my mind, so it ended up in my writing - hence the 1500 words of soliloquizing you are about to read. Also, in my attempt to force myself to write the unsavory or angstier parts of life, I wanted to address an issue generally considered taboo in the realm of 'public writing'. In my case at least, Miranda being Miranda and being someone who does not suffer fools gladly, I thought she would have a distinct opinion regarding the role of religion or spirituality in her life.
Of course 'Miranda's' views or 'Andy's' will not be everybody's - but this is how I've written them and how I see them and of course 'She who doth have the keyboard hath the power.' ;) So therefore, DISCLAIMER ALERT.
As always, let me know what you think! I'll cheat a little & entice you to review by saying that the next chapter we see the pre-Paris craziness begin & Caroline and Cassidy go through some growing pains & make a shocking decision. Also...BABY NAMES ;)
Her back was turned to the door as she faced the window, and at first Andy thought she was talking to herself or the babies, but as she came closer she could make out a certain rhythm to the words that shocked her more than anything else. Miranda was praying. Frozen, Andy watched as Miranda's lips moved almost without sound as she whispered fervent pleas to an unknown deity.
"Miranda," Andy's voice cracked as she knelt down beside the editor's chair.
"What else is there to do? Nothing I have accomplished, no amount of wealth can…" the older woman trailed off. "God knows," here she paused again before barking out a harsh laugh at the unintentional irony of her words, the sound making Andy cringe at the emptiness. "God knows I have hardly lived a faultless life. It's true, I am self-absorbed, cold, often uncaring and even cruel…" She turned once more to Andrea, but instead of the bitter self-loathing Andy had seen fill the other woman's eyes only moments ago, they now turned to her beseechingly; looking for all the world like a child, clinging to the hope she hadn't been abandoned. "Surely, surely God wouldn't be so cruel as to punish my children for my faults and my wrongs?"
"No sweetheart, no. No, no, no - I don't believe for one second that that is how God works."
"What do you believe?" the words were spoken quietly as if the speaker were unsure they really wanted to hear the answer.
They hadn't ever discussed their beliefs or religious views before now. Truthfully, even though they had committed to each other fully, there was still so much they didn't know about the other. When they thought about it, the amount of blanks needing to be filled in was astounding and not a bit overwhelming.
Andy considered her words carefully, knowing they were on shaky ground where neither felt in charge of the situation. "If you're asking about my religious background, I was raised Pentecostal, although we certainly weren't at church every Sunday. For my own purposes and in my adult life, I don't really ascribe to any one particular religion or religious institution. There's just too much corruption and hypocrisy for me to be able to feel right about the institution of 'the church' as a whole. But I do believe in God; wholeheartedly. I can't imagine for one minute that there is not a greater purpose to this life, but instead of going to church by rote or reciting a rosary, I try and focus on where I can see God in my everyday life." She smiled at Miranda now, "like when I said there wasn't a day I didn't look heavenward and thank God for you. That was literal, Miranda, there's too much to be coincidental. There is too much variability in life to think it was all down to some quirk of science that came from nothing. How can a random event be random if the world truly is based only on science and correlating mathematical values?"
Miranda looked at the younger woman and then down at her rounded belly, thinking of the number of seemingly unrelated and impossible factors that had to come together for any of this to happen. For her to have conceived these babies at nearly 50 years old, for her girls to have called Andrea of all people because everyone else had been busy? For the young woman to answer the phone after so much time had passed and on the terms they had parted on.
"I agree," came the soft response as Miranda moved her gaze to the window once more, stroking her stomach absently. "I was raised primarily Jewish, although my mother was staunchly Catholic; since I left home as a teenager however, neither has played an overwhelming role in my life. But yes, I think to believe that the world, that we are here by chance is a sign of great ignorance. As someone who has studied design for most of her life, I understand the many intricacies and patterns of cause and effect, and as someone who has made it her career to control those intricacies I can tell you there is nothing even remotely random about even the most abstract of designs. It is all so carefully and painstakingly calculated. Even the most 'random' or carelessly thrown together designs are made up of distinct physical patterns and follow the rudimentary laws of physics and geometry. And so I do not believe the 'universe' and what it has taken to get to this point of progress and evolution, is a random act of science. There is an editor somewhere in the sky," she smiled ruefully and the tightness in Andrea's chest eased slightly as bit by bit, Miranda returned to herself.
"How else does one explain what we see as a universal code of ethics or laws of morality? There is no evolutionary or scientific explanation for love other than as a deleterious mental defect that affects 99% of the population. 'Love' as it may be experienced, serves no other purpose. It is certainly of no measurable or quantifiable benefit to me to ensure the happiness of my children. Their survival? Yes, of course - but their happiness? In fact it is the opposite, I sacrifice and weaken myself for them, and I do so willingly, gladly even." Miranda trailed off again for a long moment.
"I find myself wanting to be angry at God, as it seems I have been for so much of my life. I realize this is futile, and yet if there is the slightest chance my children would be spared I would gladly fall to my knees and beg forgiveness."
"Miranda, whatever happens will NOT be your fault or because of anything you've done that could be considered 'morally questionable'; and I guarantee you it will not be an act of retribution or vengeance by God. If He is God, he wouldn't be so petty, and if He were, then He wouldn't be God - at least not as I truly believe Him to be." Now it was Andy's turn to go silent before asking Miranda, "Have you ever talked to the girls about this?"
"Not as such. They were baptized in the Catholic Church at Jeremy's mother's bequest, and I agreed because of my own mother - and when their grandfather died several years ago we talked about what happened when a person died."
"Do you want these babies to be baptized?"
"I don't know. Truly, I despise what the 'Church' has come to stand for, and to commit my children to an institution that wouldn't condone our relationship and would teach them their mothers are going to hell…I can't imagine exposing them to that kind of bigotry and small-mindedness. But a part of me also wishes to know that they have whatever protection I can give them, both while I am alive and after I'm gone."
"You promised you weren't going to talk about that," Andy muttered darkly, her breath catching as it always did at the thought of life without Miranda.
Miranda didn't appear to hear her and continued, "How do I reconcile myself with 'committing' my children to an institution that preaches hate in the same breath it does love?"
"So we teach them. We teach them what it is to be a good person. Even if we do baptize them, that doesn't mean we'll be sending them off to a convent school. Like I said, I don't align myself with any one 'religion' or 'dogma' inside of Christianity but I do believe in God, and more than anything else - or any other rule or restriction society has imposed upon the idea of God; I believe with everything in me that God cares about love more than anything else, that God IS love. For two people to be committed to each other, and love each other…so much has changed since the days when a man and woman were together to ensure survival and continuation of the human race; and all that aside, sweetheart, we don't have to decide right now. Right now we can hope and pray and do everything we can to grow these babies big and strong, and that includes feeding them."
The younger woman rose to her feet. "I'm going to go talk to Cass and Caro. I think the food should probably be here in 20 minutes or so."
"And how would you know that?"
"Pizza always takes about a half hour; and the girls are upset, and when they're upset the answer is always pizza," Andy grinned, wrinkling her nose as she did so, "maybe they do take after me more than I thought."
Miranda watched the younger woman as she disappeared down the stairs, graceful and graceless at the same time in the way that only she could manage. Taking a few grounding breaths, Miranda thought back to Andrea's admission of gratitude for whatever higher power had brought them together before letting her head fall back against her chair, feeling the gentle kicks of her babies beneath her hands and taking a page from the younger woman's book and thanking whatever power was responsible for putting Andrea in her life. Andrea was her miracle and a gift she knew she didn't deserve.
Another flutter beneath her hand on her right side drew Miranda's attention back to the present as she murmured to her daughter. "Yes, yes, I haven't forgotten you my loves, you're my miracles too, both of you. So you my darling," she trailed her fingers over her right side, "please, you have to grow for mommy. I want to meet you and your brother so badly, and so do your mama and sisters."
The doorbell rang then and Miranda stood up, smiling ruefully as she noticed how she had begun to sit with her legs spread slightly to accommodate her belly and that she was unable to cross her legs as she once had. Even in standing, she had moved her feet slightly forward and used the arms of the chair for support. She was sure it made her look even more ungainly than she felt, but all she felt at the moment was grateful that the babies had grown enough to make it difficult to stand, and it was her fervent desire that they grew enough to make it all but impossible in the coming months so she could deliver two healthy children.
Unfamiliar voices sounded from downstairs and Miranda frowned. Surely, Andrea had paid for the food. She knew the young woman was friendly but even so she couldn't imagine her striking up a conversation with a delivery person in the open doorway of her home.
Fear gripped her heart as she flashed back to the night of the assault, and for a terrifying moment she thought it must be Stephen at the door. He wouldn't violate the conditions of bail though would he? He stood to gain nothing by further attempts at intimidation, especially one as blatant as coming to their door. The voices however, that had been raised at first, had quieted slightly and she moved towards the staircase - dry mouthed at the thought of facing Stephen but equally terrified at the thought of something happening to her girls or Andrea.
"Andy!"
"Mom? Dad?" The young woman had opened the door with her foot, two twenties held between her teeth as she fished around in her wallet for change - but instead of a spotty-faced youth bearing two circles of hot, melted cheesy bliss, she came face to face with her parents who looked as though they had come straight from the airport judging by the suitcases being piled behind them by the harassed looking cabbie.
"Wh-what are you doing here?"
"Andy? Is that the pizza?" One redhead skidded into the hallway, quickly followed by another.
"What's taking so long? Oh… Hi."
"Girls, um, oh crap." The pizza delivery man had just pulled up behind the cab. Andy pushed past her parents, shoving some of the money into the confused looking teenager's hand and what was left as a tip for the cabbie before rushing back into the house with the pizzas, which she unloaded onto the equally confused looking pre-teens.
"Okaaay, girls can you take these into the kitchen and finish setting the table please?
"But Andy, we just did th-"
"Please!" Andy's voice had taken on a hysterical tinge and the two redheads disappeared back into the townhouse.
Taking a deep breath before she turned around again, going to collect her parents from where they still stood on the front stoop.
"Andy? Sweetheart?"
"Hey, you're back from your cruise! How was it? Oh wait, wait come in. Actually, no, no don't come in. This isn't, it's not a good time. What are you doing here? I never heard back from you after my email and I thought your cruise didn't finish until next week?"
"We didn't want to respond in an email," her mother offered.
"We didn't know WHAT to say. Andrea do you know how crazy this all sounds?" Richard Sachs ran a hand through his thinning hair, obviously cycling between fifty different emotions.
"Sweetheart, look," her mother continued placatingly, her voice taking on a wheedling tone as though willing her daughter to see sense.
"The last thing we knew before we left for vacation was that you were working at The Mirror and dating occasionally and settling into your new life after a year that nearly destroyed you and all your friendships after working at that magazine, for HER."
"Do you know who HER is? Are you aware that you are standing outside HER's house right now?"
"We were led to believe you lived here now. Certainly you can decide when and what company to have."
"Yes. I can. And right now? Like I said? This isn't a good time, it's just not. The trial began today and we had a doctor's appointment and now you show up out of the blue, no call, and want to meet Miranda? NOW?"
"Andrea Marie Sachs. We certainly have a right to meet the person you are LIVING with and by all accounts mean to have a child with."
"No. Not now you don't. If you do, it's because I allow you to, because I respect you, and love you and appreciate everything you have done for me. But I'm all grown-up. Have been for a while; and my responsibility right now is my family.
"But we're your family…"
"And you always will be. But this right here? Those two girls you just saw? The woman who right now is upstairs and sick and exhausted and carrying MY son and my daughter? They are my family. They're who I need to protect right now."
"From us? Andy, we're your parents!"
Andy slumped back against the front door, suddenly exhausted herself and she rubbed a tired hand across her face. "Look. We're just going around in circles now. I appreciate the fact that you care about me, and want to protect me and I know that logically extends to meeting the woman I intend to spend the rest of my life with…"
"What?"
"The rest of your life?"
"Andy, really."
"No! No, stop it! You're doing it again! And you think I want to expose Miranda to this when you're coming at all this half-cocked and fired up? You've been gone the last three months. Even if you HAVE been following the papers, I can bet you you don't have all the details. The last thing Miranda needs, that I need, is to have you come in, guns blazing when everyone is tired and emotional and start throwing accusations around."
"But Andy," her mother's voice turned from wheedling to outright pleading. "Think, just THINK about this for a minute. How do you know she's not just using you as some sort of… as something, as - as an assistant with benefits? She needs someone right now and you're so kindhearted that we're afraid you can't see that she could be using you…"
"Not as kind-hearted as you think," Andy replied, her heart breaking a little even as her voice turned cold. "Get out. I am asking you to please leave."
"Andy, be reasonable," her father tried to rejoinder.
"Reasonable? I think the time for reason is looong since passed, don't you think?" Andy laughed harshly, the anger marring her usually sweet features alarming both. "You've come to my home, uninvited, and attacked the person I've told you I love? You say you want to meet her and then accuse her of using me in the same sentence. Look, I know, I KNOW it's a lot to take in. But I had hoped you would do me the courtesy of at least acting like adults about this.
"Where are we to go? To sit in the airport until morning and wait for a flight out to Ohio?"
"It seems you're certainly comfortable enough using her money."
"OUR!" Andy all but screamed, "OUR money, OUR house, OUR children."
"Honey, don't you see? All those things are Miranda's. What are you giving her in return, other than…"
"What, sex? Is that what you think this is about? My God, have you seen the woman? She could have anyone she wants"
"So could you, Andy! You just have to keep looking! You're such a beautiful girl and so smart!"
"Don't you get it? I don't WANT anyone else. I choose Miranda, I will ALWAYS choose Miranda. And yes, I am beautiful, and I'm smart and I'm good at my job. Miranda makes me feel all those things about myself and about a million more. But even if I weren't she would still love me." A muffled thump behind the door and the faint movement of the curtain in the living room window reminded Andy of where she was and she held her hands up to stop any further argument from her parents.
"I'm going to go back inside now, where I am supposed to be having dinner and a movie night with my family. I will call you a cab, and you can go and wait in the airport if you so desire, or you can go to The Carlton where there will be a room waiting for you by the time you get there. Don't worry about the cost, WE'VE taken care of it for you. Maybe in a few weeks we can talk again, but if it's going to go anything like tonight then don't expect Miranda or the girls to be there." And with that, Andy turned and went back inside the townhouse, leaning her forehead heavily against the door as she used her phone to quickly make the arrangements for her parents.
"You," Miranda stared past her and through the door. "You left your parents outside…for, for me?" the older woman looked as though a feather could knock her down as she stood halfway down the staircase.
"Hey!" Andy hurried over, slipping her phone back into her pocket as she reached out both arms to steady the white-faced editor.
"There is no way in hell I'm going to put you through another inquisition after everything today. We're supposed to keep your blood pressure DOWN remember? And I know I'm not supposed to fuss but-"
"But Andrea, your parents…"
"Yes, we've established that. They are my parents, but YOU are my family. My parents raised me to know family is everything, so unless that lesson was wrong, they'll come around, and if they don't then as much as it's going to hurt, they're not my family."
"Because we're your family, right?" A small voice piped up from beside Andy's elbow.
"That's right, munchkin."
"So you're not leaving?" Now Andy noticed the second redhead hovering in the doorway. She held her other arm out and the little girl ran to share in the embrace, throwing her arms around Andy and her twin.
"No baby, I'm not leaving. I'm not ever leaving, remember?"
"Even if the babies don't make it?"
Miranda looked ill at the words, but said nothing, letting Andrea answer the question by herself as she was still unsure of the answer.
"Nothing is going to take me away from you guys, okay? And like I told your mom, we're going to do everything we can to grow these babies big and strong - and right now that includes dinner. Is everything all set up?"
"Yes, Andy."
"Okie doke. Skedaddle then, we'll be right in."
"Andrea you can't be alright."
"But I am. Did it suck to feel like I had to kick my own parents out of my house? Yes, undeniably, NOT a great feeling. Did I think it was necessary? Yes. And I know, I know that you would have been gracious and sat through an evening of awkward small talk and passive aggressive comments. I know you would do that for me, and at some point you'll probably have to. But not tonight; if you really want to make me feel better you'll let me take care of YOU tonight, okay?" She paused, "Gotta earn my keep somehow. I made reservations for them at The Carlton. I'm sorry, I know I should have asked you first and it's a lot of money."
"Andrea, Andrea I don't care about the money, you know that; and you know you don't need to ask me. It's a shared account, both of our names are on it. I don't ever want you to feel like you 'owe me' anything or that you need to somehow earn your keep or anything that preposterous."
"I know that, and I know that it's just my parents screwing with my head, and that you are Superwoman Priestly, I know that. Just let me fuss over you and coddle you and spoil you tonight, okay? For my own sanity. So nooo more talking. You're going to sit on the couch and eat lots of cheesy pizza with whatever crazy topping the babies tell you to put on it; and then I'm going to give you that foot massage you were talking about earlier - and after THAT I think it's going to be an early night for everybody."
"The Book?"
"Is being taken care of by Nigel and Emily, who will go over what corrections they feel need to be made either before or after the MI6 meeting."
"MI6?" Miranda's brow wrinkled.
"Crap, didn't mean to say that out loud," Andy sighed and then looked sheepish as she explained. "Miranda's Marvelous Maternity Model Management Meeting - see? And you know, you're originally from England, so there, MI6…'
Miranda pinched the bridge of her nose. "Really, Andrea? Please tell me that you are the only Runway denizen who has heard that particular phrase."
"WellmaybeEmlyandNigelandokaypossiblySerenatoomayhavehearditonceortwiceinagroupimessagewiththattitle…" she mumbled sheepishly. "But hey! I'm a writer, alliteration is part and parcel!" Andrea enunciated the twin p's, looking inordinately proud of herself at the bit of punnery she had just pulled off.
"So," she clapped her hands together. "What do La babies Priestly desire this evening?"
Miranda sighed dramatically, her shoulders drooping slightly as she glared down at her stomach. "I think they do this just to upset me…"
"Oh come on, how bad can it be?"
Forty-five minutes into the movie, the older woman was finishing her third slice of cheese pizza, layered thickly with strawberry 'not raspberry Andrea, really!' jam and topped with fish crackers much to the disgust of the twins and the bemusement of Andy.
Miranda was even more grateful than usual to feel Andrea's hands on her body as they watched the rest of the movie. Even when they weren't rubbing her (admittedly) swollen feet, they massaged her calves and traced lazy but loving patterns over her arms and shoulders during the times the warm palms weren't resting on the top shelf of her belly and soothing the inevitable indigestion she had begun to feel after every meal now that the babies were pushing her organs up. The feeling of being so totally and completely loved, was as addictive as it was foreign to the editor and she found herself craving the younger woman's touch as she had never expected to. Indeed, she had warned Andrea of the opposite, saying she would prefer to sleep alone at times, and that physical demonstration of affection was likely to be a limited occurrence. Miranda snorted internally, so much for that happening. She doubted she could have stopped the girl even if she had wanted do, that affection came so easily to her; and Miranda found herself reciprocating. When the budding journalist would come to bed at the end of a long day, Miranda would run her fingers through the long, brown locks, scratching her scalp lightly and making the young woman almost purr in content.
Perhaps it was simply hormones, another effect of the babies on her body and temperament, because she certainly found herself unable even to keep her own hands from mapping the roundness of her belly at seemingly every hour of the day. Andrea had pointed it out once or twice, looking so charmed that Miranda of course had vehemently denied it, scoffing at the idea she could appear so sentimental or maudlin. It was dangerous, she told herself, to appear that way, at least in public.
But at home, here, was a different matter, and it felt like the babies that were still growing resolutely beneath her heart were always sheltered by a pair of hands, and more often than not, not hers alone. Caroline and Cassidy would generally spend a few minutes every evening talking or reading to the babies and taking turns feeling them kick so that they would recognize their voices once they were born. They had almost finished the first Harry Potter book, and Miranda was sure the others would follow in quick succession now that the twins had discovered during their research that the babies' ears were fully formed and they could hear them even from inside the womb. And Andrea had her hands on the babies it seemed as often as she did herself, and she loved that unspoken fact - that hidden little piece of knowledge that was all hers and that she could recall from the corners of her mind when the bleakness of reality set in.
When Miranda emerged from the bathroom that evening, her heart gave a familiar leap as she saw the brunette sprawled across the bed surrounded by her reporter's pad and notes. Dismayed now as she felt a familiar moisture behind her eyes she wrote it off as a side effect of the complete exhaustion she was feeling and let her robe fall carelessly to the floor in her haste to get to the younger woman's side.
She was almost asleep when she whispered 'thank you', mumbling the word into Andy's side and then frowning in annoyance as her warm pillow shifted and moved away.
Andy sat up against the headboard. "What are you thanking me for, Miranda? You don't need to, we already discussed this. Sweetheart
Pulled back into consciousness, Miranda eased herself up on one elbow as she tried to explain. "My God, Andrea, when I think of everything you've done for me during this pregnancy…" she trailed off, seemingly at a loss for words. "And to know that without you I would have lost these babies already."
"Miranda, you don't know that."
"Yes! I do! You heard the doctor and I am old enough to know myself and my faults. And losing," she faltered slightly, "losing them would have destroyed me, WILL destroy me if it happens. To fail at something so basic as keeping my children alive." She choked back what felt like the millionth angry sob since the night Andrea had come back into their lives. "To know I have failed - looking at you, knowing what I owe to you, which is everything precious in my life…"
"Miranda, love, listen to me, please! That's not the way this thing works. It's not a running total or a tally of who owes whom or for what. You say you feel in my debt, but what about what you've given me? You have given me a home, the freedom to pursue a career of my choosing and not one necessitated by rent. A family with the woman I love, TWO beautiful daughters - who are SO smart and so funny and so kind, because of YOU, your influence and how you've raised them."
"Had them raised you mean," Miranda whispered bitterly, still caught in her trap of self-recrimination.
"No!" Andy shook her head violently, causing her long ponytail to whip against her cheeks with the motion.
"Two beautiful daughters," she repeated firmly. "As well as the two you are carrying now. I could not love our children more if I had been the one to bring them into this world. And you, Miranda, you've given me your heart and there isn't a day goes by that I don't look skyward at the end of every day and thank God for that gift, for that miracle, for YOU."
Tears streamed down Miranda's face, but instead of the tight pressure in her chest that had always come with crying, she instead felt a release from the awful emotions of the day and an overwhelming sense of peace as she moved from sitting on top of the comforter to draping herself on top of the precious body stretched out next to her on the bed and laying her head overtop the steady heartbeat as fingers tangled gently in her hair and urged her even closer. She was unconscious before Andy had had a chance to get underneath the covers, not waking even as the brunette carefully maneuvered them into a better position to sleep. Her head had jerked once when Andy had scooched down further into the bed, but at the first faint movement Andy instantly reached over to rub her belly and the older woman settled back down still asleep, her breathing evening out once more at the comforting circles.
God, but she loved this woman… At times it seemed as though she would always be impossible and infuriating, but then she would show the depth of her love in all the little 'Miranda' ways - and then there were times like now when she was in Andy's arms and she would fall asleep when you stroked her belly. Impossibly precious moments that Andy would replay over and over in her mind throughout the day. Moments and thoughts of her 'family'.
So a little bit of fluff? Am I forgiven for the mass dosage of angst so far? I can also tell you the next chapter will be part-angst, part-tooth rotting fluff & part-hilarity mixed in with a teensy bit of smut ;)