Born to be in a state of longing (born to be wanting)
Title Born to be in a state of longing (born to be wanting)
Pairings David Silva/Sergio Aguero, David Silva/David Villa, David Silva/Leo Messi, David Silva/James Milner, mentioned David Villa/Leo Messi and Sergio Aguero/Leo Messi
Rating NC-17
Word Count 9626
Disclaimer Not true
Summary A thought occurs to him that perhaps being someone's second or third choice is more alienating than having no one at all.
Beta Thank you albion_lass for answering all my questions and looking this over
It starts with an idea, an idea that floats around in his head one afternoon. He's at the park with Kun after they've picked Benji up from his daycare. They're kicking the ball back and forth in a secluded little area where no one will bother them. David's done this before, kicked a ball around with a proud father and an adoring child; the only thing missing is the warmth of the sun being stirred by the breeze from the sea. It's completely wrong, this idea that Kun and David, the other David, are anything alike, but at the same time it's completely right. They're two different people, but they represent the same thing.
David will never have either of them to himself. That's okay though, as long as they both know that despite being caught in this convoluted web of strings, they can never have all of him.
*
They're watching re-runs, all the Spanish speakers and a few others packed into a hotel room during another night on the road. A Barcelona game is on and David doesn't miss the way Kun watches Messi. It's the same way David looks when he watches Barcelona play, albeit David is better at hiding how he feels and hasn't had a reason to scowl at any Barcelona goal celebrations for the past few months.
He watches Kun out of the corner of his eye as he listens and tries to understand what Adam is saying. The camera zooms into the crowd, to where the injured players are sitting. David stares at the screen, and for a few seconds nothing else around him matters or even seems to exist. When the camera pans back to the field and David looks back at Adam, his friend isn't speaking anymore. David sighs and Adam awkwardly pats his knee, reassuring in Adam's own clumsy way.
"It makes me angry," Kun tells him when everyone is gone and David feels like he's lived this conversation a thousand times both with others and within his own mind, "when I see them together. They don't even have to be next to each other."
David tells himself that Kun is young. Even though he has a family and he's more mature in some ways, he still hasn't learned how to deal in others. David feels like he always has to make excuses for people's shortcomings. It makes him feel better about his own.
"You're not alone." Kun tells him as David stands up to leave.
He pauses, unsure if he should respond, but leaves the room with a quiet 'good night'.
When all is said and done, he is alone. They go home to wives and children. David goes home to a cold bed. He'll always be the second choice. Except these days he feels more like the third.
*
"You've gotten better."
David rolls his eyes as he stares into the screen, watching the little CGI players dart around on the field. Villa is cursing at him through his headset. David doesn't actually know how to play FIFA- he pretends he's playing while Adam is the one at the controller. Whenever Adam scores, David has to kick him in the shin to prevent him from laughing too loud. David always makes Adam lose; Villa would realize what was happening if he won.
He doesn't ask him about his leg, he figures Villa would tell him if anything was wrong. He doesn't like to think about what would happen if he wasn't match fit by the summer. David's never been called up without Villa. There have been a few games here and there, but there's never been a longer call up where he hasn't had Villa there with him.
"Maybe you're just getting old."
Adam snorts and David watches as the CGI version of himself dances around Puyol and passes to Yaya, who scores on Victor. Villa curses and David and Adam both grin. The doorbell rings and it's loud enough that Villa hears and asks who it is. The front door opens and Kun wanders into the room, winking at the two of them and holding up a six-pack. Adam loses interest in the game long enough to grab a beer and for Villa to score.
"It's my mom," David tells him. "I have to go."
Villa grunts, annoyed with him, and David feels a bit of sympathy. He knows what it's like to have a cast on and be stuck watching others do what you love more than anything. That sympathy goes away when CGI Messi scores against Joe and celebrates with the rest of the team.
David stands in his hall of pillars constructed on an unstable and always shifting ground.
*
David tells himself that any involvement with Kun is a mistake and a bad idea. He tells himself he could have anyone he wanted, but for some reason he only seems to want men who share the same damning characteristics. It's too easy to fall for disarming smiles and touches that make him feel like he's not alone; the first time Kun has him pressed into a couch all David can think about is how Kun feels like dominance and revenge. As they fall asleep next to each other, he wonders if they don't deserve to be tangled in this web. He knows they do though; they've added another knot to it.
*
Kun isn't the first person he's been with since coming to Manchester, but since they started whatever it is they have, he's been the only one. If Villa didn't already have an insecurity complex because of the Argentine, David is sure he does now. David wonders why he stays with men who want monogamy out of him when they themselves are incapable of it. It seems hypocritical, but what isn't these days?
"Hey."
Villa nudges his shoulder and he realizes that he hasn't responded to whatever Villa said. An apology is on the tip of David's tongue, but he stops himself. Instead, he rolls over and covers Villa's mouth with his own. He doesn't want to hear whatever it is Villa has to say, and he doesn't feel like he owes anyone an explanation.
Later, when they're laying next to each other and letting the silence say everything they should be saying, his phone vibrates. A picture of Kun sticking his tongue out pops up; before he can silence it Villa sees the picture and scoffs. David feels the urge to pick up the phone, just to see what Villa would do, but he's not sure he wants to add more stress to an already fraying line. Instead he sets the phone back down and returns to Villa's side. David always returns. He doesn't know how to do anything else.
Villa's hand curls around David's neck, to the small bruise Kun left there the last time they were together. There's a matching one on his hip now, Villa's mark. It's their way of saying 'you're not the only one'. It's a visual reminder to David of the tight line he willingly walks.
"He's good to you, right?"
That's not a question David ever expected to hear from Villa, and he turns his head to look at him. It's something they've silently agreed to never to speak about, but here it is, what they've danced around for months.
"Yeah."
"If he ever... you know you can tell me."
David smiles while thinking to himself, 'No, I can't tell you. You're the same person as him and you would never understand,' but aloud he lets out a half-hearted laugh and says, "You'll be the first."
Villa holds David's hand in his own as they fall asleep. David feels like an errant child who needs his hand held so he doesn't wander away.
*
"It's not that I don't think you don't know what's best for you, but uh..." Adam's mumbling as they jog next to each other, "it's just that you seem a bit off lately."
David shrugs like he has no clue what Adam's talking about. He's feigning ignorance, he knows exactly what Adam means. His passing is shit, his vision on the ball and pitch is all but gone, and he's been in a terrible mood. Adam should probably be starting over him, but there's no way in hell that's going to happen. That makes David's scowl deepen.
"This thing with Kun. I can't tell you what to do, but what's the point?" David's not sure there is a point aside from spite. "You shouldn't do this to yourself mate."
"Oi!" Joe jogs up to them, steals David's hat off his head, and ruffles David's hair; David glares at him. "You two are coming out with us tonight, yeah?"
"Yeah." Adam grins, rubs his hands together expectantly as David rolls his eyes. "We'll be there."
"No, I can't, I-" David starts to protest but Adam cuts him off.
"We'll be there," Adam says firmly, ignoring David's protests and angry stare.
"I have enough people deciding how my life is supposed to be, I don't need you doing it too," David snaps at him as Joe jogs off to join Stu and Costel.
"Whose fault is that, I wonder?" Adam's voice is dripping with sarcasm. "You need to get out."
He yelps as Adam body checks him and he tumbles to the ground. Adam laughs as he darts forward to jog with James. David stares after him murderously. Nigel trots up behind him and says something about staying upright as he picks David up and puts him on his feet. Pulling his beanie off, he pulls it down over David's head. People think he's tough and scary, but Nigel de Jong is nothing more than a protective... teddy bear?
"Gotta stay warm," Nigel chuckles as he pats David's head and pulls him alongside him as they continue jogging. "Did you forget your hat again?"
"Joe." David grumbles and Nigel laughs.
"Put salt in his water bottle or something." Nigel suggests with a wink and David mulls the idea over. He could probably pass the blame off on someone else too.
"You're not still cross with me, are you?" Adam asks later as they're getting dressed after practice.
The door to the locker room opens and the keepers trudge in. Joe has a pinched look on his face and his eyes are scanning the room. They focus in on something in Adam's locker and Joe throws Adam a dirty look before heading to the showers.
"What the hell was that about?" Adam asks and David shrugs, turning so Adam doesn't see the smirk on his face. "Why is there a salt shaker in my locker?"
Adam pulls a salt shaker down from the top of his locker. David just gives him a nonchalant, oblivious look before telling him he'll see Adam later that night.
*
Diego, he insists that David calls him Diego and never Señor Maradona, is in town to visit his daughter and grandson- David gets the feeling that Kun is just an afterthought. He tags along to pick up Benji from daycare; it's a little surreal that he is sitting in a car with Diego Maradona who is just chatting away like they've known each other forever. Except they haven't known each other forever, because if they had Diego would know that talking nonstop about how similar David is to his preciousLeo is a subject that should never be brought up in conversation. It should be flattering, that one of the greatest players of all time is comparing him to the current best player, but all David wants is for Diego to stop talking and for this conversation to die. Kun is looking at him apologetically in the rearview mirror.
Kun pulls over at a different park today, one further out, one that no one would be at during this time of day. Diego chases Benji down to a patch of grass flat enough to use as a makeshift pitch as David and Kun grab a ball and a pop up net from the trunk.
"Sorry that he talks about Leo so much," Kun wraps an arm around David's waist, his fingers skim his side as he smiles; Kun always smiles and David never seems to tire of them.
As he watches the family interact, he wonders what life must be like for Kun and for the first time, David sees Kun as more as the means to an end. It can't be easy to have a man like Diego Maradona as a father-in-law, especially not when he is practically in love with your lover while you are married to his daughter. Drawing the lines between Kun's relationship and his own, weaving the web of who is connected to who and how, makes his head spin.
"Do you ever think about going back to Spain?" Diego asks him as Kun practices headers with his son, that brilliant smile on his face and a laugh always pouring out of his lips.
"No," David shakes his head because it's true and even if it wasn't true, he's not going to tell someone like Diego.
"Good." Diego's smile is both wild and terrifying. "Kun needs you here."
There's a brief moment of panic where David thinks Diego knows about them, and David thinks about moving to some remote corner of the world, changing his name, and becoming a farmer. Diego just winks and wanders off to help Kun and David is confused as to what just happened. David supposes if he actually knew what was going on and what people meant, he wouldn't be in this mess to begin with. He prefers the mystery though; it will make everything that more fantastic when it unravels around him.
*
"Are you happy?"
"Are you my conscience now?" David rolls his eyes at Adam as they sit in the back corner of a club, laughing about the girls who are mobbing Joe. "I'm fine."
"Bullshit. Where's your boyfriend anyway?"
David rolls his eyes. Kun is at home being a dutiful husband and father while David is out getting shitfaced with his teammates. Kun has ties that bind him that the public can see; David's are invisible and commitment is a foreign word to him. There's a saying that to know something you have to experience it first.
"Look what the cat dragged in," Joe returns to their table with Gareth and James in tow, shiteatting grin plastered across his face as he drags Gareth to the bar.
James nods at them, and finding a free chair, drags it to their table before pulling his phone out of his pocket. David knows that he's reading some sort of journal, it was political last week but perhaps this week he's on to science or economics, or else a new book. James is a mystery to many people, one that offers no explanations and only silence with the occasional smile. David admires him in a way he can't put into words, but that's apt considering who he's talking about.
"What are you reading this week?" Adam asks, smile loose and eyes already glossed with intoxication.
"The House of Bernarda Alba." He replies without taking his eyes off the screen.
His accent is thick and Adam starts speaking to him in an equally thick accent, knowing that James won't notice as he's preoccupied with reading. David scowls at Adam; he can never understand them when they don't speak clearly and Adam does it on purpose to annoy him. Geordies. Bain of David's existence. For James to be mumbling like he is, David knows he's tired. He wonders why James came if all he is going to do is read, something he could do much easier from his house.
Eventually David tires of the loud noise and the lights; his head is spinning and he wants to go home and sleep. The beat of his heart echoes against his skull, and he knows he will regret drinking this much in the morning. Adam and Joe are still on the dance floor; David has no clue where they're getting their energy from as he's nearly dead on his feet. Resting his head against the cold metal of the table, he sits for a moment before he feels James' hand on his shoulder.
"I'll take you home."
David lets James take care of the rest- saying their goodbyes, settling David's tab, pulling him out of the club and getting him safely into the car. Somewhere along the way David finds himself holding James' phone and starts reading the Lorca play up on the screen. It's not until they're out of the city and onto the motorway that David realizes James has been reading the play in Spanish.
"You speak Spanish?" David asks him, pointing to the screen; James nods his head. "Does anyone know?"
"You do."
For some reason David finds this amusing and can't stop himself from laughing. He thinks of every inappropriate conversation the Spanish speakers have had because they think no one can understand them, every weird thing that might not make sense to people listening and what it would sound like out of context, and he can't stop laughing knowing that James heard and understood them all without saying anything. There's so much about James Milner that he doesn't understand, but he wants to. He wants to shed light on every shadow that James occupies in his mind.
James delivers him safely home, even makes sure he gets into his bedroom without incident. There's a brief idea in the back of David's mind that he should try and make James stay with him; no one has ever said no to David. But even in his inebriated state, David knows that James would decline because James is the outlier. As James bids him good night with a smile and turns David's lights out for him, David wonders what life would be like with someone that he had completely to himself.
He doesn't fall asleep for a long time.
*
Without Villa or Carlos, David spends his time with the national team with Santi and Juan. He'd rather not hang out with anyone who plays for Barcelona or Real Madrid; he doesn't need the Spanish press snapping a picture and running a rumor about how he's unhappy at City and wants to transfer back to La Liga. It's nice to spend time with people as uncomplicated and genuinely happy as Santi and Juan. Santi shows them pictures of Enzo and tells them about the changes at Malaga, Juan talks about how much he likes living in London and exploring the city. David has nothing he can add to the conversation other than 'Manchester is nice'. He's already explored the city and his personal life isn't something he can talk about.
His conscience, which sounds an awful lot like Adam these days, asks him if he's happy about that. He's not, but it's what he chose.
*
When they return to Manchester after break, Kun follows David home from practice and they spend the afternoon fucking in the rare spring sunlight. After, as they're languidly making out, David notices a set of bruises on Kun's hips, bruises that could only come from someone holding him tight, the type of bruises that come from being topped. He traces them with his fingers, pushes into them to see if Kun will moan or whimper. He doesn't do either, as if he doesn't realize the bruises are there.
David tries to line his fingertips up with them, but they don't fit; they belong to someone with a bigger hand than him. Someone with a bigger hand than Messi or Giannina. He's curious to know who it belongs to, but he doesn't ask. It's none of his business. After all, if he cheats on his wife with David, why would he be content with just David? No one ever is. He wonders how many others there have been.
"I don't know if this is a good idea," he murmurs against Kun's jawbone as he kisses it with a bit more force than normal.
"Of course it's a good idea." Kun's smiles are boyish and full of confidence and David wishes he could say they belonged to him. They don't though, they belong to the patient wife who is at home waiting for him; it makes David sick. "You're thinking too much."
'I'm thinking for myself,' is what David should say, but he doesn't.
Instead he lays there and lets Kun take what he wants. David can never say no. He doesn't want to say no. He loves the danger that comes with secrets, and the torture of being responsible for breaking his own heart as he strings it along behind him.
*
The world is a blur of lights and loud noises that spin around him like he's inside a kaleidoscope. David's not really sure what's going on other than he was angry, but whatever's made him angry has passed from his mind. He's tagged along clubbing with Joe and he's pretty sure he's already drank his weight in alcohol. Sitting in a booth, he waits for what seems like an eternity, except he's not really sure what he's waiting for. Not for Joe, who is off attempting to dance, but he's waiting for something else. But David feels like he's spent most of his life waiting for and wanting things that weren't really there.
"You look like shit," Adam's form slides into the colorful, twisting view and David doesn't remember Adam being there in the first place, but maybe he was and David is just that far gone.
"Wanker," David slurs at him, voice venomous, but Adam just crows happily at David's correct usage of British slang. "I want more to drink."
"You don't need anymore." Adam plucks the glass from David's hand and motions to the bartender to take it away. David scowls at him. "Who the fuck cares what one stupid journo thinks?"
It's like a firecracker is lit in his empty mind as what he forgot races back in. Villa being moody on the phone, Kun canceling their plans, not being able to connect with a single ball during practice, Mancini scolding him for his lack of focus. The match of the week was on in the canteen during lunch. It's their game and he watches as he artfully, gracefully, moves around the other team's defenders like they're not even there. The commentators are full of nothing but praise for him, but they are speaking so quickly that he doesn't understand them.
He's like the poor man's Leo Messi, which is ironic since he plays for City
David understands that. He understands that no matter what he does, he's doomed to be in the shadows of those greater than him for the rest of his life. To hear it so blatantly on TV cements the idea in his head and it makes him angry that he accepts it. He shouldn't have to accept sharing his lovers with a man he hasn't met before, a man whose skill reaches outside of his league and diminishes David's in his own. Something inside him snaps.
"Come on."
He's aware of someone dragging him out of the club, strong arm wrapped around his waist as David is intoxicated to the point of not being able to walk without stumbling. It should be embarrassing, but he's so angry at the world that he doesn't care. He hates everyone and everything and the need to hit something is so great that his limbs burn and itch. It's like they are crawling with his anger given a physical form.
He doesn't realize James is the one taking him home until they get back to his house and he's asking where the toilet is. David points him down a hall and during the time James is gone, manages to throw up in the kitchen sink. He's leaning over it and clutching his stomach when James returns. James doesn't say anything; instead he sits David down in a chair and grabs a cloth to wipe David's face with. David doesn't remember the last time someone cleaned up after him because they wanted to and not out of some sort of obligation. He closes his eyes and pretends this moment means more than it does.
"I don't want to do this anymore." He tells James as he props him up on the couch and covers him with a blanket.
"Then don't," James places a wastebasket on the floor next to him. He takes David's hand in his own and places another on his shoulder. "You deserve more than this; you're better than this."
David is terrified of being alone. Even though he's unhappy with how his relationships have played out, he's not alone. A thought occurs to him that perhaps being someone's second or third choice is more alienating than having no one at all. David feels transparent. It makes him feel small hearing the disapproval in James' voice, the voice of someone he admires. James tells him to go to sleep, that he's spending the night on the other couch to make sure David is okay and doesn't choke on his own vomit.
"I'm sorry," David mutters and closes his eyes because he doesn't like the pity he sees in James'. "I'm wasting your time."
"I wouldn't have done this if I didn't want to." James lets go of David's hand and pushes David's hair back from his forehead; David finds himself leaning into James' touch. "Let me take care of you."
David opens his eyes. There's something else in James' eyes, something he can't quite place. It's the way Kun and Villa look at him yet at the same time it's nothing like the way they look at him. It's only there for a second though, gone as soon as it came.
When he wakes up in the morning, he doesn't remember anything aside from James taking him home. There are a few pieces of memories, but he's not sure if they're drunken dreams or shards of what happened. James makes him drink a glass of water before dragging him to the shower. David's limbs feel heavy and clumsy as the water pours down on them. By the time he's out, James has food and a Lucozade waiting for him. He didn't expect James to still be there, no one ever stays.
"You deserve to be happy," James tells him after he takes a few bites.
David looks up from his plate. He sets his fork down and James reaches across the table, placing a careful hand over David's.
"Stay?" David intertwines their fingers.
James' lips spell out regret and wistfulness. Standing, he leans across the table and softly presses his lips against David's cheek. David's chest feels strangely hollow.
"Maybe someday," he tells David before bidding him goodbye.
It's James' way of saying he doesn't share, that he won't get involved in the tangled net of David's relationships. It gives him hope that if he ever does find his way out, someone will be waiting and he might not have to be alone.
*
A few days later he finds a copy of Byron's version of Don Juan in his locker.
*
David bites his lip as he sinks down onto Villa. It's been a few months since they've been able to steal a night or two together, and his body has almost forgotten the way Villa feels inside of him. The striker's leg is almost healed, but they don't want to put any unnecessary strain on it. As David lifts himself up and down, riding Villa into an ecstasy driven silence, he feels like something is off, almost wrong. He knows exactly what it is- nothing has been the same since James took him home.
Moving his hips back and forth in a figure eight, he watches Villa falling apart beneath him. He likes this part, the power he has over men, but it comes and goes quickly, just like the men do. But right now he's concentrating on taking as much from Villa as he can. If he can't have a ring or real relationship, he'll take as much pleasure as possible.
"What's wrong?" Villa asks him when they're done, when David has returned from cleaning himself up; David shrugs. "You've been different."
"I'm fine," David tells him, note of finality in his voice. Villa and Kun can have his body, but he doesn't want them in his mind.
"Maybe you should just talk to him," Villa suggests and David looks at him for clarifications. "Leo, I mean. If that's why you're upset."
David doesn't say anything.
The next night when he's back in Manchester, Kun echoes the sentiment and gives him a phone number and an address. David keeps it tucked in the pages of Byron, unsure what to do with it.
*
"They gave you his number?"
David doesn't really talk about his problems, most of the time it's just Adam guessing at them, but when he needs advice, Adam is the best person to go to. Right now his eyebrows are as high as possible and he looks gob smacked. Adam is so shocked that he stops running and Mancini yells across the pitch at them. David just rolls his eyes and keeps on jogging.
"Are you going to call? What are you going to say? Can you get his autograph for me?"
"Adam." David glares at the last question.
"Oh, right." Adam scratches his ear. "Um. I don't know mate."
"You are not helping."
"Well what would you tell me to do?"
David thinks about it for a moment, but he draws a blank. With a sigh, he shrugs. Looking up, he sees James stealing a glance at him from where he's jogging with Nigel. James' eyes dart toward Kun, before looking away. David looks down at his feet while he chews on his lip.
"James is a good guy," Adam says as they're stretching; David pretends like he doesn't know what Adam's talking about. "Don't drag him into this."
"I wouldn't," David mutters into his hands.
"Good." They finish stretching, but Adam holds him back for a minute before they join the rest of the group. "Talk to him face to face, don't call him. Get closure or whatever it is you need. Then come back and find someone that makes you happy." James is staring at them again and Adam blows him a kiss; James rolls his eyes and turns back around. "Sometimes I swear you're the only person he smiles for. He'd be good for you."
*
Barcelona is warm and the breeze from the sea pulls at David with strings that have been tied around his heart since birth. The taxi driver knows who he is but doesn't ask him anything. He asks to be dropped off on a quiet street a little bit away from where he's going. As he walks toward the gated house, David clears his mind. He thinks back, years ago when he returned from loan and Villa was new to Valencia. He remembers how wrong it was, every stolen minute, how all he could think about was someone finding out and how it would ruin both of their careers. That anxiety, that fear of being caught, turned into something else, something dangerous and addictive.
When Villa first told him about Leo, David felt like he should be angry. He didn't though- like any addict all he felt was numb. David wanted to feel again, he wanted Villa out of his system. There were others, but they were only a temporary relief and couldn't come close to replacing what he felt he had lost. It wasn't until Kun came around with his reassuring smiles and offer of petty revenge that David realized he couldn't lose something he never had in the first place.
The security guard at the front gate lets him in without so much as a question and within minutes he finds himself sitting on a balcony with Leo. It's evident that Leo was expecting him and David's not surprised. He was prepared for awkward conversation or perhaps long, uncomfortable silences, but this is neither. They sit side by side on the ground, legs sticking through the bars and dangling down as they look out over the backyard.
As David rests his hands on the iron bars, he feels like he's in some sort of prison, but one that is easily escapable, one that he is keeping himself in. When he looks at Leo he thinks, 'you and I are one in the same'. As David is caught in Leo's shadow, so too is Leo caught in David's.
Leo takes David by the hand and leads him into one of the bedrooms. They lay together for a while, the heat of their bodies combining with that of the sun lulls them into a sleepy state of mind where neither feels like moving. David has questions, but he also has answers Leo wants that he doesn't necessarily feel like giving. When Leo shifts against him, shyly pressing his lips against David's, he feels any resistance dissipate.
They move together unnaturally knowing what the other wants or is about to do. David feels like he should find this alarming, how he knows Leo as well as he knows himself, but he doesn't. It all goes back to that very first idea that they are exactly yet nothing alike. The same person walking a slightly different path. Leo is pliant against David, lets him lay him down on the bed, writhes against David as he gently opens him up. Neither of them is fond of drawing sex out, of going torturously slow; they'd rather feel something than nothing.
Leo keeps his face buried against the crook in David's neck as he holds onto him, legs wrapped around David's back and arms around his chest. Tangled together. His little moans and whimpers draw noises from David, noises that he never let Villa or Kun hear. Pressed inside of him, so hot and forbidden, David's vision is blurred with white dots and when he comes, his mind goes blank of everything except for the way Leo whispers his name.
When he's able to think again, some time has passed and he wonders if he fell asleep. Leo is snoring softly next to him, David can feel every exhale against his cheek. Without startling Leo, he looks out the window and sees the sun is setting. He's unsure how long he's been here, but he doesn't feel like moving.
"Stay tonight?" David knows Leo's awake before he asks him to spend the night, but still jumps at the mumbled words.
"It's not a good idea."
"I know. Stay anyway."
"Okay."
David feels Leo's lips curl into a smile against his neck. They spend the rest of the night playing FIFA and pigging out on all the food David misses while he's in Manchester. After a few beers too many and laughing to the point that their stomachs hurt, they pass out against each other on the couch. In the morning David lets Leo pull him into the shower and show him goodbye instead of saying it. It's more than a goodbye- David feels the knots untangle and he cuts himself free from the line.
*
"Soooo?"
Adam and David are warming up together after their short break. David doesn't say anything, just gives a little shrug and keeps on jogging. Kun drops back to ask David something and David shakes his head and gives an evasive answer. Kun laughs, flicks David's ear, and sprints back to jog with the other strikers.
"David." He ignores Adam. "Dayyyvid." He stares at the bright green of Kun's boots in front of them. "Daaayyyyyyyvvvviiiiiiiiddddddddd."
It's kind of cute, the way Adam pouts and whines like a child whenever he wants something. He's like a little brother, except David's not sure Nando was ever this persistent or annoying. David lets Adam pester him all through practice, and pretends like he doesn't hear him.
When they get back in the locker room at the end of day, Adam picks up the package sitting on the top shelf of his locker. Looking in the top, his eyebrows shoot up to his hairline as he looks at David with disbelief on his face. The shock is replaced by a suggestive grin.
"You little weasel," Adam's smile is huge as he shoves David and pulls the signed jersey out of the bag.
"I told him you keep his poster over your bed and uh..." David jerks his hand in a suggestive way with a leer on his face. "I think he was flattered."
"You didn't really tell him that did you?" Adam stutters as he begins to turn red. David smiles and says nothing. "I'm going to kill you."
David darts out of the locker room with Adam right behind him.
*
Benji's dribbling the ball between a set of cones as Kun and David sit on a bench watching him. The ground is littered with the white and pink petals of the flowering trees of spring. It's warm enough that the English are wearing normal shirts, but Kun and David still need long sleeves. They've been spoiled by the Spanish sun.
"We're done, aren't we?" Kun's smile never leaves his face. David realizes that's what he admires the most about Kun, the fact that he smiles and is happy no matter what is thrown his way.
"Yeah."
"No regrets?"
David doesn't answer. He just echoes Kun's smile, and together they chase Benji around the park. The wind blows through David's hair like fingers pulling him to something more. Another string comes undone and he feels like he could fly away.
*
He finds himself back in Barcelona before the end of the month, standing outside of Villa's house. Patricia's taken the girls to see their grandparents and they have the house to themselves. David is pretty sure Villa knows what's about to happen, that Leo has given him some sort of heads up.
It's fast and painful, like ripping a bandage off. Villa doesn't say anything, he just wraps his arms around David and holds him for a long time, like he doesn't want to let go. David understands. If he could hold on, he would, but he knows that in the long run it will just hurt the both of them.
Their last time is like their first time. It's awkward and slow, but David feels a deeper connection with Villa, as if finally at the end of their road, they have an understanding of each other. Maybe in another life if they had chosen different paths, they could have walked it together, but this is where their road splits.
"Friends?" Villa holds his hand out for David to shake before David leaves the next morning. "I mean, we're still going to play FIFA online, right? And you can tell Johnson he can stop losing to me on purpose. It was obvious that it wasn't you playing, you suck."
David laughs as he pushes Villa's hand aside and embraces him.
*
The season is over and everyone disappears for a week, not willing to make contact with the outside world until they've slept enough to make up for the last few nerve wracking weeks of the season. David spends the week in Gran Canaria with his family, idly sleeping in the sun and eating all of his mother's cooking. His family doesn't understand why he's going back to England before he's due at Las Rozas, but he doesn't like leaving things unresolved. He returns to Manchester feeling more human than he has in a long time.
James meets him at one of the city's numerous parks, a bag with lunch for the two of them in it. They sit on the bench and eat as they watch the world go by around them. They spend the afternoon there, James on his eBook and David still slowly working on Byron. Every time David catches James stealing a glance at him, he smiles and realizes this is the closest to a date he's ever been on.
"So Byron thinks Don Juan is a victim of seductive women and not a seducer?" David asks when he finally finishes and puts the book down.
"A willing victim, I think," James tells him as he marks where he's at on his device and turns the power off. "One who never learned."
"I'm not sure I can change," David is more honest with James than he's ever been with anyone. "I'm not a saint, I haven't been a good person." He scoffs. "I wouldn't know a saint if I was robbing one."
James looks up at David with a patient smile. "A saint would offer you their wallet."
David sees James offering his carefully guarded heart. James is a saint for all intents and purposes, but David's pretty sure he's not a thief as far as that's concerned. He thinks James gave him his heart a long time ago and he just hasn't noticed yet.
"I've never been on a date before," David blurts out before he can stop himself.
He's glad he did though because it earns him a laugh from James, who nudges his knee with his own and smiles as if to say 'now you have'.
*
They only have a few days together before David has to travel to Madrid for training. It's equal parts amazing and frustrating. Every second of it is eye opening. James takes his time in getting to know David as more than just a teammate. When David realizes James is genuinely interested in him as more than just a casual fuck, he warms to the idea that taking things slowly is the right way to go. That doesn't mean he doesn't have certain needs and cravings though.
When James kisses him, not until the third time they've gone out, David forgets how to breathe. It's been a long time since he's had a kiss that reduces him to nothing; he had forgotten that a simple kiss could do that. He knows James is restraining himself, that he doesn't want to seem too forward and scare David off and make him feel like he's using him for sex. No, David knows what that feels like and he know James is not that type of person. He doesn't think James could be that type of person even if he wanted to.
Their last night together before David has to go to Madrid, James takes him to a pitch. They hit the ball back and forth for a bit, not working hard enough to be out of breath but enough to break a sweat. David likes that James doesn't waste words to fill silence, that's he's comfortable in sharing the silence with David.
"Don't forget me," he asks of David when they're taking a break to stare up at the few stars they can see through the glow of the city lights.
"I'll sneak away to see you," David tells him with a sneaky smile.
"I don't want you to get in trouble."
David laughs and he reaches for James' hand and laces their fingers together. He brings James' wrist to his lips and kisses it before resting his head on James' shoulder.
*
Villa knows something is different as soon as he sees David. David spends the weeks before their travels to Ukraine and Poland giving evasive answers and half-truths. By the time they actually arrive in eastern Europe, Villa wants to throttle him and David has to restrain himself from sniggering.
"He must be amazing," Villa grumbles as they unpack their bags. "For you to give up Kun and I."
David smiles to himself; Villa raises a judgmental, questioning eyebrow and David rolls his eyes and flips him the bird. The teams are here for drug testing and the opening ceremony, and in two days they'll travel to different cities in the two countries. David has a short window of time to steal away, and he's not sure how he's going to.
"It's either Hart or Johnson because Kun would have told Leo if it was Zabaleta."
It's weird, hearing Villa say their names with the Spanish accent. It's how David used to say their names, before he eventually learned to say them the English way. It's such a little thing, but it reminds David how far he's come. He grins at Villa, who huffs.
"Maybe yes, maybe no."
"Is it Nasri?"
David laughs.
"Oh god, it's not Mancini, is it?"
David looks horrified that Villa would even ask that.
*
In the end he doesn't have to find a way to sneak over to their hotel. There's a knock on their door that night and he opens it to find Joe and Gerard grinning at him with James lingering behind. Villa looks between the two Englishmen as if weighing up his options as to which one David is with and wondering how Gerard knows them. Joe and Gerard's matching leers are enough cause for concern, but David realizes what their aim is when they announce they're taking Villa to play cards in Pepe's room. Villa tells them he'll be there in a few minutes and they bounce out of the room. Joe, David thinks to himself, is the only person who could be invited to a card game in a rival team's hotel and not have his presence questioned.
There's a stiff silence that falls upon the room after they leave. Villa looks at James and comprehension dawns on his face. No one says anything for a minute; they're all just staring at each other awkwardly. Finally, Villa makes a noise that's halfway in between a scoff and a laugh before grabbing his wallet.
"So this is who you're fucking," Villa winks at David, but his tone betrays something else, something almost like regret. "I would have never guessed. I hope he makes you happy."
"We're not at that point in our relationship," Villa stops when James answers for David in perfect Spanish. "But if we get there tonight, I'll hang a tie on the door."
David flushes bright red as Villa stands there speechless. James has a knowing little grin on his face, and eventually Villa starts laughing and nods to both of them as he leaves the room.
"You are perfect," David tells James, who still has that grin on his lips.
"I try to be." James leans forward and presses their mouths together, soft enough for the kiss to be non aggressive but hard enough for David to know James has missed him over the past weeks.
"Hold on a second."
David places a hand on James' chest, grin that can only be described as impish on his face. He pulls a drawer open and grabs something out of it. Opening the door, he hangs the tie on the doorknob and turns back to James. James opens his mouth to say something, but he can't find the words he needs and just closes his mouth. For the first time since they've started whatever it is they have, James looks uncertain. David takes James' uncertainty as an open invitation to step forward and wrap an arm around his neck, pulling him close and kissing him.
"David," James' voice is deeper as he murmurs David's name against their lips, "are you sure that-"
"I'm sure."
David is glad James doesn't ask him again or linger over it. James willingness to go slow and be patient is wonderful, but David has already fallen and fallen hard. As he pulls James down to the bed and James rests a steadying hand on the small of David's back, he wonders how long James has been waiting for David to notice him. David feels so incredibly stupid that he was caught up with men who could never truly give him what he wanted when James was here the entire time. He thinks about what Villa said, about James making him happy, and even though it's only been a bit more than a month, David is happier than he's ever been.
There is nothing awkward about their first time together. James seems to be two steps ahead David in knowing what he wants and every time he moves and shifts against David, he's reduced to unintelligible speech. Their clothes are discarded to the floor in a matter of minutes, but it seems torturously slow to David. James treats removing David's clothing like David is a present, a reward, that is being unwrapped. They've been naked in front of each other before, but now David notices things he's never seen before. Scars from the field, the way his skin feels beneath his fingertips, the feeling of James' lips against him.
David's hands are clawing at the bed beneath him as he tries to restrain himself from moving too much as James kisses, explores, his way down David's body. He licks at a bit of skin on David's hip and looks up as David makes a little keening noise. James' eyes are dark and David feels the force of them dig into him and it leaves him reeling. When he takes his first lick at David's cock, David has to press his fingernails into the palms of his hands to keep from coming. James takes him into his mouth and David can barely muffle the noises that spill from his lips. It's so hot and wet, and James knows exactly what he's doing as his tongue flicks over the tip and he changes the amount of pressure David feels.
James brings him right to the edge, right to where he feels the familiar curl in his lower belly and he's nearly thrashing beneath James' skilled mouth, before he stops. David huffs in annoyance at being denied when he was so close. Taking a few deep breaths, he sits up and pushes James down. James is rock hard when David gives his cock a few experimental licks, seeing how James reacts to different spots and listening to the noises he makes. James is vocal enough to where David knows what he likes and as he moves his mouth up and down, he's pleased to hear James' voice tremble. James is always collected, in control of himself; it hits David how much James trusts him as he watches him unravel, how much he must actually care for David to allow him to see as he loses control.
James makes a noise that's something in between a moan and a gasp, and David pulls back. Crawling back up the bed, he pushes their mouths together, this time a little rougher, with an edge of need in it. James places a steadying hand on David's hip as he lines their cocks up and grinds them together.
"James, please," David whimpers into his ear, "please."
James pauses, peers at David with something close to hesitancy in his eyes, as if he thinks they've already gone too far. David growls at him, impatient with want, and James nods. Rolling to the side of the bed, James grabs his bag from where it's fallen on the floor and pulls a condom and a few packets of lubricant from it. David lays on his back and puts a pillow underneath the small of his back to prop himself up. His cock is hard and lies against his stomach leaving a trail of precome. James leans down to lick it up, spreading David's legs and kneeling between them. He kisses the same spot on David's hip that he licked earlier and David feels James' lips moving against him but the words are lost on him. Ripping one of the packets open, James coats a finger with lube. Moving down to kiss David, James distracts David with the wicked things he can do with his tongue as he rubs around David's hole and presses a finger in.
David's back arches up off the bed as James pushes another finger in. James stops kissing him and David opens his eyes; James is studying the way David moves. Every time James moves his fingers, David moves beneath him. A third finger makes David gasp and James falters.
"Don't stop," David's voice is wrecked with need as he begs. "I'm fine."
James presses his lips together, like he doesn't believe David. David twists himself so he can move a leg and wrap it around James' waist. He pulls him down so that they're face to face and kisses him with more teeth and roughness than they ever have before. If James is surprised or startled he doesn't show it. He knows exactly what David is trying to tell him and deep down James knows David is much tougher than he appears to be. James slows down to make sure he's not hurting him, and takes his time in opening David up. The care that he shows David is something David has never experienced before, and it weighs in his chest and his mind as a beautiful pain.
When James pulls his fingers out David sighs at the lost of contact. He hears the rip of the condom wrapper and soon James is pressed against his entrance, sliding into David in a careful yet confident stroke. David throws his head back and makes a keening noise; James takes the opportunity to attach his lips to David's neck and kiss out constellations. James is slow; a methodical lover who is more concerned about what David is feeling. David feels like he's going to explode and he hasn't even touched himself. James feels hot sliding against him, and he feels full to the point of indescribable pleasure. Ecstasy whips through him, curling and flaring out into every part of his being. All he sees is James, all he ever wants to know and see is James.
Shifting, James changes the angle and brushes against David in just the right spot; a cry comes from deep inside. David reaches up and wraps his arms around James' neck and buries his face against his shoulder. As James presses into him and drives him further towards the edge, David mumbles incoherently against James' skin. James reaches down and takes David into his hand. It doesn't take more than a few swift strokes up and down before David's body seizes up; he cries out as he orgasms. For a few moments he forgets how to breathe as the world spins around him, vibrant in its colors. James moves softly against him, and when he comes not even a minute later David's name is on his lips.
They lay there in each other's arms until after the sun has gone down, time and everything else lost to them. David feels every breathe James takes as he sleeps, the slow rise and fall of his chest. James sleeps with a smile on his face, barely visible but still there. David knows it for him.
*
They have a few weeks before they have to return for preseason, and they disappear somewhere together. Without a set plan of what they want to do or even a place they want to go, they end up in Egypt. David's not really sure how that happened, other than James wanting to go somewhere historical and David wanting to go somewhere no one would know who they were. David grumbles when James wakes him when it is still dark outside, but when he's watching the sun rise from behind the pyramids he forgets all of his complaints. James drags him down to Luxor for three days and they discover everything about Karnak, ancient Thebes, and the Valley of the Kings together. It's not something David would normally have an interest in, but seeing how much James enjoys this is more than enough for David. Having something to share with James makes him happy.
David knows next to nothing about Egypt and is pleasantly surprised that Alexandria has a nice beach and James thought ahead to book a small hotel on it. They spend the morning poking around various markets and ruins that litter the city before laying on the beach. James is reading another book and David alternates between watching the boats come in and out of the harbor and watching James. A waiter wanders by and David knows that James likes a cup of tea at this time in the afternoon, no matter what the temperature outside, and he orders himself an ice cream cone. James drinks his tea without looking up from the book. David licks at his ice cream cone with a little more enthusiasm than normal.
"You're doing that on purpose," James puts his book down as David continues to run his tongue up and down the melting sweet.
David smiles cheekily, takes a long lick of it and makes sure to leave a little on the corner of his mouth. James coughs and presses his lips together and David laughs quietly to himself. He knows torturing James like this will lead to James being particularly ruthless later that night, but David doesn't mind a bit of begging. David doesn't mind anything as long as James is with him.
It ends with the idea that he doesn't have to be tied to anyone, that two people can stay together without strings and binds. Relationships can exist without tangles and knots. James takes David's hand and loosely laces their fingers together. They watch the boats together until the sun begins to set. David realizes James has all of him; David knows he's free.
Pairings David Silva/Sergio Aguero, David Silva/David Villa, David Silva/Leo Messi, David Silva/James Milner, mentioned David Villa/Leo Messi and Sergio Aguero/Leo Messi
Rating NC-17
Word Count 9626
Disclaimer Not true
Summary A thought occurs to him that perhaps being someone's second or third choice is more alienating than having no one at all.
Beta Thank you albion_lass for answering all my questions and looking this over
It starts with an idea, an idea that floats around in his head one afternoon. He's at the park with Kun after they've picked Benji up from his daycare. They're kicking the ball back and forth in a secluded little area where no one will bother them. David's done this before, kicked a ball around with a proud father and an adoring child; the only thing missing is the warmth of the sun being stirred by the breeze from the sea. It's completely wrong, this idea that Kun and David, the other David, are anything alike, but at the same time it's completely right. They're two different people, but they represent the same thing.
David will never have either of them to himself. That's okay though, as long as they both know that despite being caught in this convoluted web of strings, they can never have all of him.
*
They're watching re-runs, all the Spanish speakers and a few others packed into a hotel room during another night on the road. A Barcelona game is on and David doesn't miss the way Kun watches Messi. It's the same way David looks when he watches Barcelona play, albeit David is better at hiding how he feels and hasn't had a reason to scowl at any Barcelona goal celebrations for the past few months.
He watches Kun out of the corner of his eye as he listens and tries to understand what Adam is saying. The camera zooms into the crowd, to where the injured players are sitting. David stares at the screen, and for a few seconds nothing else around him matters or even seems to exist. When the camera pans back to the field and David looks back at Adam, his friend isn't speaking anymore. David sighs and Adam awkwardly pats his knee, reassuring in Adam's own clumsy way.
"It makes me angry," Kun tells him when everyone is gone and David feels like he's lived this conversation a thousand times both with others and within his own mind, "when I see them together. They don't even have to be next to each other."
David tells himself that Kun is young. Even though he has a family and he's more mature in some ways, he still hasn't learned how to deal in others. David feels like he always has to make excuses for people's shortcomings. It makes him feel better about his own.
"You're not alone." Kun tells him as David stands up to leave.
He pauses, unsure if he should respond, but leaves the room with a quiet 'good night'.
When all is said and done, he is alone. They go home to wives and children. David goes home to a cold bed. He'll always be the second choice. Except these days he feels more like the third.
*
"You've gotten better."
David rolls his eyes as he stares into the screen, watching the little CGI players dart around on the field. Villa is cursing at him through his headset. David doesn't actually know how to play FIFA- he pretends he's playing while Adam is the one at the controller. Whenever Adam scores, David has to kick him in the shin to prevent him from laughing too loud. David always makes Adam lose; Villa would realize what was happening if he won.
He doesn't ask him about his leg, he figures Villa would tell him if anything was wrong. He doesn't like to think about what would happen if he wasn't match fit by the summer. David's never been called up without Villa. There have been a few games here and there, but there's never been a longer call up where he hasn't had Villa there with him.
"Maybe you're just getting old."
Adam snorts and David watches as the CGI version of himself dances around Puyol and passes to Yaya, who scores on Victor. Villa curses and David and Adam both grin. The doorbell rings and it's loud enough that Villa hears and asks who it is. The front door opens and Kun wanders into the room, winking at the two of them and holding up a six-pack. Adam loses interest in the game long enough to grab a beer and for Villa to score.
"It's my mom," David tells him. "I have to go."
Villa grunts, annoyed with him, and David feels a bit of sympathy. He knows what it's like to have a cast on and be stuck watching others do what you love more than anything. That sympathy goes away when CGI Messi scores against Joe and celebrates with the rest of the team.
David stands in his hall of pillars constructed on an unstable and always shifting ground.
*
David tells himself that any involvement with Kun is a mistake and a bad idea. He tells himself he could have anyone he wanted, but for some reason he only seems to want men who share the same damning characteristics. It's too easy to fall for disarming smiles and touches that make him feel like he's not alone; the first time Kun has him pressed into a couch all David can think about is how Kun feels like dominance and revenge. As they fall asleep next to each other, he wonders if they don't deserve to be tangled in this web. He knows they do though; they've added another knot to it.
*
Kun isn't the first person he's been with since coming to Manchester, but since they started whatever it is they have, he's been the only one. If Villa didn't already have an insecurity complex because of the Argentine, David is sure he does now. David wonders why he stays with men who want monogamy out of him when they themselves are incapable of it. It seems hypocritical, but what isn't these days?
"Hey."
Villa nudges his shoulder and he realizes that he hasn't responded to whatever Villa said. An apology is on the tip of David's tongue, but he stops himself. Instead, he rolls over and covers Villa's mouth with his own. He doesn't want to hear whatever it is Villa has to say, and he doesn't feel like he owes anyone an explanation.
Later, when they're laying next to each other and letting the silence say everything they should be saying, his phone vibrates. A picture of Kun sticking his tongue out pops up; before he can silence it Villa sees the picture and scoffs. David feels the urge to pick up the phone, just to see what Villa would do, but he's not sure he wants to add more stress to an already fraying line. Instead he sets the phone back down and returns to Villa's side. David always returns. He doesn't know how to do anything else.
Villa's hand curls around David's neck, to the small bruise Kun left there the last time they were together. There's a matching one on his hip now, Villa's mark. It's their way of saying 'you're not the only one'. It's a visual reminder to David of the tight line he willingly walks.
"He's good to you, right?"
That's not a question David ever expected to hear from Villa, and he turns his head to look at him. It's something they've silently agreed to never to speak about, but here it is, what they've danced around for months.
"Yeah."
"If he ever... you know you can tell me."
David smiles while thinking to himself, 'No, I can't tell you. You're the same person as him and you would never understand,' but aloud he lets out a half-hearted laugh and says, "You'll be the first."
Villa holds David's hand in his own as they fall asleep. David feels like an errant child who needs his hand held so he doesn't wander away.
*
"It's not that I don't think you don't know what's best for you, but uh..." Adam's mumbling as they jog next to each other, "it's just that you seem a bit off lately."
David shrugs like he has no clue what Adam's talking about. He's feigning ignorance, he knows exactly what Adam means. His passing is shit, his vision on the ball and pitch is all but gone, and he's been in a terrible mood. Adam should probably be starting over him, but there's no way in hell that's going to happen. That makes David's scowl deepen.
"This thing with Kun. I can't tell you what to do, but what's the point?" David's not sure there is a point aside from spite. "You shouldn't do this to yourself mate."
"Oi!" Joe jogs up to them, steals David's hat off his head, and ruffles David's hair; David glares at him. "You two are coming out with us tonight, yeah?"
"Yeah." Adam grins, rubs his hands together expectantly as David rolls his eyes. "We'll be there."
"No, I can't, I-" David starts to protest but Adam cuts him off.
"We'll be there," Adam says firmly, ignoring David's protests and angry stare.
"I have enough people deciding how my life is supposed to be, I don't need you doing it too," David snaps at him as Joe jogs off to join Stu and Costel.
"Whose fault is that, I wonder?" Adam's voice is dripping with sarcasm. "You need to get out."
He yelps as Adam body checks him and he tumbles to the ground. Adam laughs as he darts forward to jog with James. David stares after him murderously. Nigel trots up behind him and says something about staying upright as he picks David up and puts him on his feet. Pulling his beanie off, he pulls it down over David's head. People think he's tough and scary, but Nigel de Jong is nothing more than a protective... teddy bear?
"Gotta stay warm," Nigel chuckles as he pats David's head and pulls him alongside him as they continue jogging. "Did you forget your hat again?"
"Joe." David grumbles and Nigel laughs.
"Put salt in his water bottle or something." Nigel suggests with a wink and David mulls the idea over. He could probably pass the blame off on someone else too.
"You're not still cross with me, are you?" Adam asks later as they're getting dressed after practice.
The door to the locker room opens and the keepers trudge in. Joe has a pinched look on his face and his eyes are scanning the room. They focus in on something in Adam's locker and Joe throws Adam a dirty look before heading to the showers.
"What the hell was that about?" Adam asks and David shrugs, turning so Adam doesn't see the smirk on his face. "Why is there a salt shaker in my locker?"
Adam pulls a salt shaker down from the top of his locker. David just gives him a nonchalant, oblivious look before telling him he'll see Adam later that night.
*
Diego, he insists that David calls him Diego and never Señor Maradona, is in town to visit his daughter and grandson- David gets the feeling that Kun is just an afterthought. He tags along to pick up Benji from daycare; it's a little surreal that he is sitting in a car with Diego Maradona who is just chatting away like they've known each other forever. Except they haven't known each other forever, because if they had Diego would know that talking nonstop about how similar David is to his preciousLeo is a subject that should never be brought up in conversation. It should be flattering, that one of the greatest players of all time is comparing him to the current best player, but all David wants is for Diego to stop talking and for this conversation to die. Kun is looking at him apologetically in the rearview mirror.
Kun pulls over at a different park today, one further out, one that no one would be at during this time of day. Diego chases Benji down to a patch of grass flat enough to use as a makeshift pitch as David and Kun grab a ball and a pop up net from the trunk.
"Sorry that he talks about Leo so much," Kun wraps an arm around David's waist, his fingers skim his side as he smiles; Kun always smiles and David never seems to tire of them.
As he watches the family interact, he wonders what life must be like for Kun and for the first time, David sees Kun as more as the means to an end. It can't be easy to have a man like Diego Maradona as a father-in-law, especially not when he is practically in love with your lover while you are married to his daughter. Drawing the lines between Kun's relationship and his own, weaving the web of who is connected to who and how, makes his head spin.
"Do you ever think about going back to Spain?" Diego asks him as Kun practices headers with his son, that brilliant smile on his face and a laugh always pouring out of his lips.
"No," David shakes his head because it's true and even if it wasn't true, he's not going to tell someone like Diego.
"Good." Diego's smile is both wild and terrifying. "Kun needs you here."
There's a brief moment of panic where David thinks Diego knows about them, and David thinks about moving to some remote corner of the world, changing his name, and becoming a farmer. Diego just winks and wanders off to help Kun and David is confused as to what just happened. David supposes if he actually knew what was going on and what people meant, he wouldn't be in this mess to begin with. He prefers the mystery though; it will make everything that more fantastic when it unravels around him.
*
"Are you happy?"
"Are you my conscience now?" David rolls his eyes at Adam as they sit in the back corner of a club, laughing about the girls who are mobbing Joe. "I'm fine."
"Bullshit. Where's your boyfriend anyway?"
David rolls his eyes. Kun is at home being a dutiful husband and father while David is out getting shitfaced with his teammates. Kun has ties that bind him that the public can see; David's are invisible and commitment is a foreign word to him. There's a saying that to know something you have to experience it first.
"Look what the cat dragged in," Joe returns to their table with Gareth and James in tow, shiteatting grin plastered across his face as he drags Gareth to the bar.
James nods at them, and finding a free chair, drags it to their table before pulling his phone out of his pocket. David knows that he's reading some sort of journal, it was political last week but perhaps this week he's on to science or economics, or else a new book. James is a mystery to many people, one that offers no explanations and only silence with the occasional smile. David admires him in a way he can't put into words, but that's apt considering who he's talking about.
"What are you reading this week?" Adam asks, smile loose and eyes already glossed with intoxication.
"The House of Bernarda Alba." He replies without taking his eyes off the screen.
His accent is thick and Adam starts speaking to him in an equally thick accent, knowing that James won't notice as he's preoccupied with reading. David scowls at Adam; he can never understand them when they don't speak clearly and Adam does it on purpose to annoy him. Geordies. Bain of David's existence. For James to be mumbling like he is, David knows he's tired. He wonders why James came if all he is going to do is read, something he could do much easier from his house.
Eventually David tires of the loud noise and the lights; his head is spinning and he wants to go home and sleep. The beat of his heart echoes against his skull, and he knows he will regret drinking this much in the morning. Adam and Joe are still on the dance floor; David has no clue where they're getting their energy from as he's nearly dead on his feet. Resting his head against the cold metal of the table, he sits for a moment before he feels James' hand on his shoulder.
"I'll take you home."
David lets James take care of the rest- saying their goodbyes, settling David's tab, pulling him out of the club and getting him safely into the car. Somewhere along the way David finds himself holding James' phone and starts reading the Lorca play up on the screen. It's not until they're out of the city and onto the motorway that David realizes James has been reading the play in Spanish.
"You speak Spanish?" David asks him, pointing to the screen; James nods his head. "Does anyone know?"
"You do."
For some reason David finds this amusing and can't stop himself from laughing. He thinks of every inappropriate conversation the Spanish speakers have had because they think no one can understand them, every weird thing that might not make sense to people listening and what it would sound like out of context, and he can't stop laughing knowing that James heard and understood them all without saying anything. There's so much about James Milner that he doesn't understand, but he wants to. He wants to shed light on every shadow that James occupies in his mind.
James delivers him safely home, even makes sure he gets into his bedroom without incident. There's a brief idea in the back of David's mind that he should try and make James stay with him; no one has ever said no to David. But even in his inebriated state, David knows that James would decline because James is the outlier. As James bids him good night with a smile and turns David's lights out for him, David wonders what life would be like with someone that he had completely to himself.
He doesn't fall asleep for a long time.
*
Without Villa or Carlos, David spends his time with the national team with Santi and Juan. He'd rather not hang out with anyone who plays for Barcelona or Real Madrid; he doesn't need the Spanish press snapping a picture and running a rumor about how he's unhappy at City and wants to transfer back to La Liga. It's nice to spend time with people as uncomplicated and genuinely happy as Santi and Juan. Santi shows them pictures of Enzo and tells them about the changes at Malaga, Juan talks about how much he likes living in London and exploring the city. David has nothing he can add to the conversation other than 'Manchester is nice'. He's already explored the city and his personal life isn't something he can talk about.
His conscience, which sounds an awful lot like Adam these days, asks him if he's happy about that. He's not, but it's what he chose.
*
When they return to Manchester after break, Kun follows David home from practice and they spend the afternoon fucking in the rare spring sunlight. After, as they're languidly making out, David notices a set of bruises on Kun's hips, bruises that could only come from someone holding him tight, the type of bruises that come from being topped. He traces them with his fingers, pushes into them to see if Kun will moan or whimper. He doesn't do either, as if he doesn't realize the bruises are there.
David tries to line his fingertips up with them, but they don't fit; they belong to someone with a bigger hand than him. Someone with a bigger hand than Messi or Giannina. He's curious to know who it belongs to, but he doesn't ask. It's none of his business. After all, if he cheats on his wife with David, why would he be content with just David? No one ever is. He wonders how many others there have been.
"I don't know if this is a good idea," he murmurs against Kun's jawbone as he kisses it with a bit more force than normal.
"Of course it's a good idea." Kun's smiles are boyish and full of confidence and David wishes he could say they belonged to him. They don't though, they belong to the patient wife who is at home waiting for him; it makes David sick. "You're thinking too much."
'I'm thinking for myself,' is what David should say, but he doesn't.
Instead he lays there and lets Kun take what he wants. David can never say no. He doesn't want to say no. He loves the danger that comes with secrets, and the torture of being responsible for breaking his own heart as he strings it along behind him.
*
The world is a blur of lights and loud noises that spin around him like he's inside a kaleidoscope. David's not really sure what's going on other than he was angry, but whatever's made him angry has passed from his mind. He's tagged along clubbing with Joe and he's pretty sure he's already drank his weight in alcohol. Sitting in a booth, he waits for what seems like an eternity, except he's not really sure what he's waiting for. Not for Joe, who is off attempting to dance, but he's waiting for something else. But David feels like he's spent most of his life waiting for and wanting things that weren't really there.
"You look like shit," Adam's form slides into the colorful, twisting view and David doesn't remember Adam being there in the first place, but maybe he was and David is just that far gone.
"Wanker," David slurs at him, voice venomous, but Adam just crows happily at David's correct usage of British slang. "I want more to drink."
"You don't need anymore." Adam plucks the glass from David's hand and motions to the bartender to take it away. David scowls at him. "Who the fuck cares what one stupid journo thinks?"
It's like a firecracker is lit in his empty mind as what he forgot races back in. Villa being moody on the phone, Kun canceling their plans, not being able to connect with a single ball during practice, Mancini scolding him for his lack of focus. The match of the week was on in the canteen during lunch. It's their game and he watches as he artfully, gracefully, moves around the other team's defenders like they're not even there. The commentators are full of nothing but praise for him, but they are speaking so quickly that he doesn't understand them.
He's like the poor man's Leo Messi, which is ironic since he plays for City
David understands that. He understands that no matter what he does, he's doomed to be in the shadows of those greater than him for the rest of his life. To hear it so blatantly on TV cements the idea in his head and it makes him angry that he accepts it. He shouldn't have to accept sharing his lovers with a man he hasn't met before, a man whose skill reaches outside of his league and diminishes David's in his own. Something inside him snaps.
"Come on."
He's aware of someone dragging him out of the club, strong arm wrapped around his waist as David is intoxicated to the point of not being able to walk without stumbling. It should be embarrassing, but he's so angry at the world that he doesn't care. He hates everyone and everything and the need to hit something is so great that his limbs burn and itch. It's like they are crawling with his anger given a physical form.
He doesn't realize James is the one taking him home until they get back to his house and he's asking where the toilet is. David points him down a hall and during the time James is gone, manages to throw up in the kitchen sink. He's leaning over it and clutching his stomach when James returns. James doesn't say anything; instead he sits David down in a chair and grabs a cloth to wipe David's face with. David doesn't remember the last time someone cleaned up after him because they wanted to and not out of some sort of obligation. He closes his eyes and pretends this moment means more than it does.
"I don't want to do this anymore." He tells James as he props him up on the couch and covers him with a blanket.
"Then don't," James places a wastebasket on the floor next to him. He takes David's hand in his own and places another on his shoulder. "You deserve more than this; you're better than this."
David is terrified of being alone. Even though he's unhappy with how his relationships have played out, he's not alone. A thought occurs to him that perhaps being someone's second or third choice is more alienating than having no one at all. David feels transparent. It makes him feel small hearing the disapproval in James' voice, the voice of someone he admires. James tells him to go to sleep, that he's spending the night on the other couch to make sure David is okay and doesn't choke on his own vomit.
"I'm sorry," David mutters and closes his eyes because he doesn't like the pity he sees in James'. "I'm wasting your time."
"I wouldn't have done this if I didn't want to." James lets go of David's hand and pushes David's hair back from his forehead; David finds himself leaning into James' touch. "Let me take care of you."
David opens his eyes. There's something else in James' eyes, something he can't quite place. It's the way Kun and Villa look at him yet at the same time it's nothing like the way they look at him. It's only there for a second though, gone as soon as it came.
When he wakes up in the morning, he doesn't remember anything aside from James taking him home. There are a few pieces of memories, but he's not sure if they're drunken dreams or shards of what happened. James makes him drink a glass of water before dragging him to the shower. David's limbs feel heavy and clumsy as the water pours down on them. By the time he's out, James has food and a Lucozade waiting for him. He didn't expect James to still be there, no one ever stays.
"You deserve to be happy," James tells him after he takes a few bites.
David looks up from his plate. He sets his fork down and James reaches across the table, placing a careful hand over David's.
"Stay?" David intertwines their fingers.
James' lips spell out regret and wistfulness. Standing, he leans across the table and softly presses his lips against David's cheek. David's chest feels strangely hollow.
"Maybe someday," he tells David before bidding him goodbye.
It's James' way of saying he doesn't share, that he won't get involved in the tangled net of David's relationships. It gives him hope that if he ever does find his way out, someone will be waiting and he might not have to be alone.
*
A few days later he finds a copy of Byron's version of Don Juan in his locker.
*
David bites his lip as he sinks down onto Villa. It's been a few months since they've been able to steal a night or two together, and his body has almost forgotten the way Villa feels inside of him. The striker's leg is almost healed, but they don't want to put any unnecessary strain on it. As David lifts himself up and down, riding Villa into an ecstasy driven silence, he feels like something is off, almost wrong. He knows exactly what it is- nothing has been the same since James took him home.
Moving his hips back and forth in a figure eight, he watches Villa falling apart beneath him. He likes this part, the power he has over men, but it comes and goes quickly, just like the men do. But right now he's concentrating on taking as much from Villa as he can. If he can't have a ring or real relationship, he'll take as much pleasure as possible.
"What's wrong?" Villa asks him when they're done, when David has returned from cleaning himself up; David shrugs. "You've been different."
"I'm fine," David tells him, note of finality in his voice. Villa and Kun can have his body, but he doesn't want them in his mind.
"Maybe you should just talk to him," Villa suggests and David looks at him for clarifications. "Leo, I mean. If that's why you're upset."
David doesn't say anything.
The next night when he's back in Manchester, Kun echoes the sentiment and gives him a phone number and an address. David keeps it tucked in the pages of Byron, unsure what to do with it.
*
"They gave you his number?"
David doesn't really talk about his problems, most of the time it's just Adam guessing at them, but when he needs advice, Adam is the best person to go to. Right now his eyebrows are as high as possible and he looks gob smacked. Adam is so shocked that he stops running and Mancini yells across the pitch at them. David just rolls his eyes and keeps on jogging.
"Are you going to call? What are you going to say? Can you get his autograph for me?"
"Adam." David glares at the last question.
"Oh, right." Adam scratches his ear. "Um. I don't know mate."
"You are not helping."
"Well what would you tell me to do?"
David thinks about it for a moment, but he draws a blank. With a sigh, he shrugs. Looking up, he sees James stealing a glance at him from where he's jogging with Nigel. James' eyes dart toward Kun, before looking away. David looks down at his feet while he chews on his lip.
"James is a good guy," Adam says as they're stretching; David pretends like he doesn't know what Adam's talking about. "Don't drag him into this."
"I wouldn't," David mutters into his hands.
"Good." They finish stretching, but Adam holds him back for a minute before they join the rest of the group. "Talk to him face to face, don't call him. Get closure or whatever it is you need. Then come back and find someone that makes you happy." James is staring at them again and Adam blows him a kiss; James rolls his eyes and turns back around. "Sometimes I swear you're the only person he smiles for. He'd be good for you."
*
Barcelona is warm and the breeze from the sea pulls at David with strings that have been tied around his heart since birth. The taxi driver knows who he is but doesn't ask him anything. He asks to be dropped off on a quiet street a little bit away from where he's going. As he walks toward the gated house, David clears his mind. He thinks back, years ago when he returned from loan and Villa was new to Valencia. He remembers how wrong it was, every stolen minute, how all he could think about was someone finding out and how it would ruin both of their careers. That anxiety, that fear of being caught, turned into something else, something dangerous and addictive.
When Villa first told him about Leo, David felt like he should be angry. He didn't though- like any addict all he felt was numb. David wanted to feel again, he wanted Villa out of his system. There were others, but they were only a temporary relief and couldn't come close to replacing what he felt he had lost. It wasn't until Kun came around with his reassuring smiles and offer of petty revenge that David realized he couldn't lose something he never had in the first place.
The security guard at the front gate lets him in without so much as a question and within minutes he finds himself sitting on a balcony with Leo. It's evident that Leo was expecting him and David's not surprised. He was prepared for awkward conversation or perhaps long, uncomfortable silences, but this is neither. They sit side by side on the ground, legs sticking through the bars and dangling down as they look out over the backyard.
As David rests his hands on the iron bars, he feels like he's in some sort of prison, but one that is easily escapable, one that he is keeping himself in. When he looks at Leo he thinks, 'you and I are one in the same'. As David is caught in Leo's shadow, so too is Leo caught in David's.
Leo takes David by the hand and leads him into one of the bedrooms. They lay together for a while, the heat of their bodies combining with that of the sun lulls them into a sleepy state of mind where neither feels like moving. David has questions, but he also has answers Leo wants that he doesn't necessarily feel like giving. When Leo shifts against him, shyly pressing his lips against David's, he feels any resistance dissipate.
They move together unnaturally knowing what the other wants or is about to do. David feels like he should find this alarming, how he knows Leo as well as he knows himself, but he doesn't. It all goes back to that very first idea that they are exactly yet nothing alike. The same person walking a slightly different path. Leo is pliant against David, lets him lay him down on the bed, writhes against David as he gently opens him up. Neither of them is fond of drawing sex out, of going torturously slow; they'd rather feel something than nothing.
Leo keeps his face buried against the crook in David's neck as he holds onto him, legs wrapped around David's back and arms around his chest. Tangled together. His little moans and whimpers draw noises from David, noises that he never let Villa or Kun hear. Pressed inside of him, so hot and forbidden, David's vision is blurred with white dots and when he comes, his mind goes blank of everything except for the way Leo whispers his name.
When he's able to think again, some time has passed and he wonders if he fell asleep. Leo is snoring softly next to him, David can feel every exhale against his cheek. Without startling Leo, he looks out the window and sees the sun is setting. He's unsure how long he's been here, but he doesn't feel like moving.
"Stay tonight?" David knows Leo's awake before he asks him to spend the night, but still jumps at the mumbled words.
"It's not a good idea."
"I know. Stay anyway."
"Okay."
David feels Leo's lips curl into a smile against his neck. They spend the rest of the night playing FIFA and pigging out on all the food David misses while he's in Manchester. After a few beers too many and laughing to the point that their stomachs hurt, they pass out against each other on the couch. In the morning David lets Leo pull him into the shower and show him goodbye instead of saying it. It's more than a goodbye- David feels the knots untangle and he cuts himself free from the line.
*
"Soooo?"
Adam and David are warming up together after their short break. David doesn't say anything, just gives a little shrug and keeps on jogging. Kun drops back to ask David something and David shakes his head and gives an evasive answer. Kun laughs, flicks David's ear, and sprints back to jog with the other strikers.
"David." He ignores Adam. "Dayyyvid." He stares at the bright green of Kun's boots in front of them. "Daaayyyyyyyvvvviiiiiiiiddddddddd."
It's kind of cute, the way Adam pouts and whines like a child whenever he wants something. He's like a little brother, except David's not sure Nando was ever this persistent or annoying. David lets Adam pester him all through practice, and pretends like he doesn't hear him.
When they get back in the locker room at the end of day, Adam picks up the package sitting on the top shelf of his locker. Looking in the top, his eyebrows shoot up to his hairline as he looks at David with disbelief on his face. The shock is replaced by a suggestive grin.
"You little weasel," Adam's smile is huge as he shoves David and pulls the signed jersey out of the bag.
"I told him you keep his poster over your bed and uh..." David jerks his hand in a suggestive way with a leer on his face. "I think he was flattered."
"You didn't really tell him that did you?" Adam stutters as he begins to turn red. David smiles and says nothing. "I'm going to kill you."
David darts out of the locker room with Adam right behind him.
*
Benji's dribbling the ball between a set of cones as Kun and David sit on a bench watching him. The ground is littered with the white and pink petals of the flowering trees of spring. It's warm enough that the English are wearing normal shirts, but Kun and David still need long sleeves. They've been spoiled by the Spanish sun.
"We're done, aren't we?" Kun's smile never leaves his face. David realizes that's what he admires the most about Kun, the fact that he smiles and is happy no matter what is thrown his way.
"Yeah."
"No regrets?"
David doesn't answer. He just echoes Kun's smile, and together they chase Benji around the park. The wind blows through David's hair like fingers pulling him to something more. Another string comes undone and he feels like he could fly away.
*
He finds himself back in Barcelona before the end of the month, standing outside of Villa's house. Patricia's taken the girls to see their grandparents and they have the house to themselves. David is pretty sure Villa knows what's about to happen, that Leo has given him some sort of heads up.
It's fast and painful, like ripping a bandage off. Villa doesn't say anything, he just wraps his arms around David and holds him for a long time, like he doesn't want to let go. David understands. If he could hold on, he would, but he knows that in the long run it will just hurt the both of them.
Their last time is like their first time. It's awkward and slow, but David feels a deeper connection with Villa, as if finally at the end of their road, they have an understanding of each other. Maybe in another life if they had chosen different paths, they could have walked it together, but this is where their road splits.
"Friends?" Villa holds his hand out for David to shake before David leaves the next morning. "I mean, we're still going to play FIFA online, right? And you can tell Johnson he can stop losing to me on purpose. It was obvious that it wasn't you playing, you suck."
David laughs as he pushes Villa's hand aside and embraces him.
*
The season is over and everyone disappears for a week, not willing to make contact with the outside world until they've slept enough to make up for the last few nerve wracking weeks of the season. David spends the week in Gran Canaria with his family, idly sleeping in the sun and eating all of his mother's cooking. His family doesn't understand why he's going back to England before he's due at Las Rozas, but he doesn't like leaving things unresolved. He returns to Manchester feeling more human than he has in a long time.
James meets him at one of the city's numerous parks, a bag with lunch for the two of them in it. They sit on the bench and eat as they watch the world go by around them. They spend the afternoon there, James on his eBook and David still slowly working on Byron. Every time David catches James stealing a glance at him, he smiles and realizes this is the closest to a date he's ever been on.
"So Byron thinks Don Juan is a victim of seductive women and not a seducer?" David asks when he finally finishes and puts the book down.
"A willing victim, I think," James tells him as he marks where he's at on his device and turns the power off. "One who never learned."
"I'm not sure I can change," David is more honest with James than he's ever been with anyone. "I'm not a saint, I haven't been a good person." He scoffs. "I wouldn't know a saint if I was robbing one."
James looks up at David with a patient smile. "A saint would offer you their wallet."
David sees James offering his carefully guarded heart. James is a saint for all intents and purposes, but David's pretty sure he's not a thief as far as that's concerned. He thinks James gave him his heart a long time ago and he just hasn't noticed yet.
"I've never been on a date before," David blurts out before he can stop himself.
He's glad he did though because it earns him a laugh from James, who nudges his knee with his own and smiles as if to say 'now you have'.
*
They only have a few days together before David has to travel to Madrid for training. It's equal parts amazing and frustrating. Every second of it is eye opening. James takes his time in getting to know David as more than just a teammate. When David realizes James is genuinely interested in him as more than just a casual fuck, he warms to the idea that taking things slowly is the right way to go. That doesn't mean he doesn't have certain needs and cravings though.
When James kisses him, not until the third time they've gone out, David forgets how to breathe. It's been a long time since he's had a kiss that reduces him to nothing; he had forgotten that a simple kiss could do that. He knows James is restraining himself, that he doesn't want to seem too forward and scare David off and make him feel like he's using him for sex. No, David knows what that feels like and he know James is not that type of person. He doesn't think James could be that type of person even if he wanted to.
Their last night together before David has to go to Madrid, James takes him to a pitch. They hit the ball back and forth for a bit, not working hard enough to be out of breath but enough to break a sweat. David likes that James doesn't waste words to fill silence, that's he's comfortable in sharing the silence with David.
"Don't forget me," he asks of David when they're taking a break to stare up at the few stars they can see through the glow of the city lights.
"I'll sneak away to see you," David tells him with a sneaky smile.
"I don't want you to get in trouble."
David laughs and he reaches for James' hand and laces their fingers together. He brings James' wrist to his lips and kisses it before resting his head on James' shoulder.
*
Villa knows something is different as soon as he sees David. David spends the weeks before their travels to Ukraine and Poland giving evasive answers and half-truths. By the time they actually arrive in eastern Europe, Villa wants to throttle him and David has to restrain himself from sniggering.
"He must be amazing," Villa grumbles as they unpack their bags. "For you to give up Kun and I."
David smiles to himself; Villa raises a judgmental, questioning eyebrow and David rolls his eyes and flips him the bird. The teams are here for drug testing and the opening ceremony, and in two days they'll travel to different cities in the two countries. David has a short window of time to steal away, and he's not sure how he's going to.
"It's either Hart or Johnson because Kun would have told Leo if it was Zabaleta."
It's weird, hearing Villa say their names with the Spanish accent. It's how David used to say their names, before he eventually learned to say them the English way. It's such a little thing, but it reminds David how far he's come. He grins at Villa, who huffs.
"Maybe yes, maybe no."
"Is it Nasri?"
David laughs.
"Oh god, it's not Mancini, is it?"
David looks horrified that Villa would even ask that.
*
In the end he doesn't have to find a way to sneak over to their hotel. There's a knock on their door that night and he opens it to find Joe and Gerard grinning at him with James lingering behind. Villa looks between the two Englishmen as if weighing up his options as to which one David is with and wondering how Gerard knows them. Joe and Gerard's matching leers are enough cause for concern, but David realizes what their aim is when they announce they're taking Villa to play cards in Pepe's room. Villa tells them he'll be there in a few minutes and they bounce out of the room. Joe, David thinks to himself, is the only person who could be invited to a card game in a rival team's hotel and not have his presence questioned.
There's a stiff silence that falls upon the room after they leave. Villa looks at James and comprehension dawns on his face. No one says anything for a minute; they're all just staring at each other awkwardly. Finally, Villa makes a noise that's halfway in between a scoff and a laugh before grabbing his wallet.
"So this is who you're fucking," Villa winks at David, but his tone betrays something else, something almost like regret. "I would have never guessed. I hope he makes you happy."
"We're not at that point in our relationship," Villa stops when James answers for David in perfect Spanish. "But if we get there tonight, I'll hang a tie on the door."
David flushes bright red as Villa stands there speechless. James has a knowing little grin on his face, and eventually Villa starts laughing and nods to both of them as he leaves the room.
"You are perfect," David tells James, who still has that grin on his lips.
"I try to be." James leans forward and presses their mouths together, soft enough for the kiss to be non aggressive but hard enough for David to know James has missed him over the past weeks.
"Hold on a second."
David places a hand on James' chest, grin that can only be described as impish on his face. He pulls a drawer open and grabs something out of it. Opening the door, he hangs the tie on the doorknob and turns back to James. James opens his mouth to say something, but he can't find the words he needs and just closes his mouth. For the first time since they've started whatever it is they have, James looks uncertain. David takes James' uncertainty as an open invitation to step forward and wrap an arm around his neck, pulling him close and kissing him.
"David," James' voice is deeper as he murmurs David's name against their lips, "are you sure that-"
"I'm sure."
David is glad James doesn't ask him again or linger over it. James willingness to go slow and be patient is wonderful, but David has already fallen and fallen hard. As he pulls James down to the bed and James rests a steadying hand on the small of David's back, he wonders how long James has been waiting for David to notice him. David feels so incredibly stupid that he was caught up with men who could never truly give him what he wanted when James was here the entire time. He thinks about what Villa said, about James making him happy, and even though it's only been a bit more than a month, David is happier than he's ever been.
There is nothing awkward about their first time together. James seems to be two steps ahead David in knowing what he wants and every time he moves and shifts against David, he's reduced to unintelligible speech. Their clothes are discarded to the floor in a matter of minutes, but it seems torturously slow to David. James treats removing David's clothing like David is a present, a reward, that is being unwrapped. They've been naked in front of each other before, but now David notices things he's never seen before. Scars from the field, the way his skin feels beneath his fingertips, the feeling of James' lips against him.
David's hands are clawing at the bed beneath him as he tries to restrain himself from moving too much as James kisses, explores, his way down David's body. He licks at a bit of skin on David's hip and looks up as David makes a little keening noise. James' eyes are dark and David feels the force of them dig into him and it leaves him reeling. When he takes his first lick at David's cock, David has to press his fingernails into the palms of his hands to keep from coming. James takes him into his mouth and David can barely muffle the noises that spill from his lips. It's so hot and wet, and James knows exactly what he's doing as his tongue flicks over the tip and he changes the amount of pressure David feels.
James brings him right to the edge, right to where he feels the familiar curl in his lower belly and he's nearly thrashing beneath James' skilled mouth, before he stops. David huffs in annoyance at being denied when he was so close. Taking a few deep breaths, he sits up and pushes James down. James is rock hard when David gives his cock a few experimental licks, seeing how James reacts to different spots and listening to the noises he makes. James is vocal enough to where David knows what he likes and as he moves his mouth up and down, he's pleased to hear James' voice tremble. James is always collected, in control of himself; it hits David how much James trusts him as he watches him unravel, how much he must actually care for David to allow him to see as he loses control.
James makes a noise that's something in between a moan and a gasp, and David pulls back. Crawling back up the bed, he pushes their mouths together, this time a little rougher, with an edge of need in it. James places a steadying hand on David's hip as he lines their cocks up and grinds them together.
"James, please," David whimpers into his ear, "please."
James pauses, peers at David with something close to hesitancy in his eyes, as if he thinks they've already gone too far. David growls at him, impatient with want, and James nods. Rolling to the side of the bed, James grabs his bag from where it's fallen on the floor and pulls a condom and a few packets of lubricant from it. David lays on his back and puts a pillow underneath the small of his back to prop himself up. His cock is hard and lies against his stomach leaving a trail of precome. James leans down to lick it up, spreading David's legs and kneeling between them. He kisses the same spot on David's hip that he licked earlier and David feels James' lips moving against him but the words are lost on him. Ripping one of the packets open, James coats a finger with lube. Moving down to kiss David, James distracts David with the wicked things he can do with his tongue as he rubs around David's hole and presses a finger in.
David's back arches up off the bed as James pushes another finger in. James stops kissing him and David opens his eyes; James is studying the way David moves. Every time James moves his fingers, David moves beneath him. A third finger makes David gasp and James falters.
"Don't stop," David's voice is wrecked with need as he begs. "I'm fine."
James presses his lips together, like he doesn't believe David. David twists himself so he can move a leg and wrap it around James' waist. He pulls him down so that they're face to face and kisses him with more teeth and roughness than they ever have before. If James is surprised or startled he doesn't show it. He knows exactly what David is trying to tell him and deep down James knows David is much tougher than he appears to be. James slows down to make sure he's not hurting him, and takes his time in opening David up. The care that he shows David is something David has never experienced before, and it weighs in his chest and his mind as a beautiful pain.
When James pulls his fingers out David sighs at the lost of contact. He hears the rip of the condom wrapper and soon James is pressed against his entrance, sliding into David in a careful yet confident stroke. David throws his head back and makes a keening noise; James takes the opportunity to attach his lips to David's neck and kiss out constellations. James is slow; a methodical lover who is more concerned about what David is feeling. David feels like he's going to explode and he hasn't even touched himself. James feels hot sliding against him, and he feels full to the point of indescribable pleasure. Ecstasy whips through him, curling and flaring out into every part of his being. All he sees is James, all he ever wants to know and see is James.
Shifting, James changes the angle and brushes against David in just the right spot; a cry comes from deep inside. David reaches up and wraps his arms around James' neck and buries his face against his shoulder. As James presses into him and drives him further towards the edge, David mumbles incoherently against James' skin. James reaches down and takes David into his hand. It doesn't take more than a few swift strokes up and down before David's body seizes up; he cries out as he orgasms. For a few moments he forgets how to breathe as the world spins around him, vibrant in its colors. James moves softly against him, and when he comes not even a minute later David's name is on his lips.
They lay there in each other's arms until after the sun has gone down, time and everything else lost to them. David feels every breathe James takes as he sleeps, the slow rise and fall of his chest. James sleeps with a smile on his face, barely visible but still there. David knows it for him.
*
They have a few weeks before they have to return for preseason, and they disappear somewhere together. Without a set plan of what they want to do or even a place they want to go, they end up in Egypt. David's not really sure how that happened, other than James wanting to go somewhere historical and David wanting to go somewhere no one would know who they were. David grumbles when James wakes him when it is still dark outside, but when he's watching the sun rise from behind the pyramids he forgets all of his complaints. James drags him down to Luxor for three days and they discover everything about Karnak, ancient Thebes, and the Valley of the Kings together. It's not something David would normally have an interest in, but seeing how much James enjoys this is more than enough for David. Having something to share with James makes him happy.
David knows next to nothing about Egypt and is pleasantly surprised that Alexandria has a nice beach and James thought ahead to book a small hotel on it. They spend the morning poking around various markets and ruins that litter the city before laying on the beach. James is reading another book and David alternates between watching the boats come in and out of the harbor and watching James. A waiter wanders by and David knows that James likes a cup of tea at this time in the afternoon, no matter what the temperature outside, and he orders himself an ice cream cone. James drinks his tea without looking up from the book. David licks at his ice cream cone with a little more enthusiasm than normal.
"You're doing that on purpose," James puts his book down as David continues to run his tongue up and down the melting sweet.
David smiles cheekily, takes a long lick of it and makes sure to leave a little on the corner of his mouth. James coughs and presses his lips together and David laughs quietly to himself. He knows torturing James like this will lead to James being particularly ruthless later that night, but David doesn't mind a bit of begging. David doesn't mind anything as long as James is with him.
It ends with the idea that he doesn't have to be tied to anyone, that two people can stay together without strings and binds. Relationships can exist without tangles and knots. James takes David's hand and loosely laces their fingers together. They watch the boats together until the sun begins to set. David realizes James has all of him; David knows he's free.