I Know You Want Me - Chapter Six
Title: I Know You Want Me
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: 31,793
Spoilers: This is AU. No Beth. No Lucy. Puck/Rachel lasted for a few months instead of a week and Jesse is a bigger ass than canon. Also Santana's promiscuity implied in the canon is not in effect for this fic for reasons that will be made evident.
Pairing: Rachel/Santana, Puck/Quinn
Summary: Rachel's longed after someone since the first day they met, but will a big secret bring them together or destroy them?
Warnings (highlight to read): Gender Identity Disorder, pregnancy, angst, topping, language, voyeurism, dub-con, non-con, anal, oral, vaginal, public, fisting, size-kink, and talk of self harm
Chapter Six - As Soon As You Let Me
It had been a month since Miguel had pulled Rachel back into Santana's life, explaining the truth behind his daughter to the mother of her child. Santana had returned to school, though she was grateful for the cooler months affording her the ability to wear the long-sleeved undershirt under her cheerleading shell to cover her arm. The two girls had fallen into an awkward sort of friendship at school with the cheerleader not exactly becoming best buddies with the diva, but being a bit more openly nicer to her.
They hadn't engaged in sex since the pregnancy news and resulting fallout - at least, not as anything but a solo act. It was strange not having that connection any more, but Rachel at least attempted to console herself with Santana's continued niceness towards her and the bond of their child. She still wasn't entirely sure what they were, but she was hopeful that their slowly developing friendship - that actually felt like a friendship this time - would be strong enough to last with the changes they were making.
A couple of days each week, they both headed back to the Lopez residence together to watch movies - often until they fell asleep. It had become a habit once Santana discovered that Rachel was completely unaware of most popular films beyond the classics and musicals. And if it also allowed them to disguise Rachel's first trimester checkups with Santana's dad - an entirely awkward situation for the mother-to-be having the father of her sexual partner examining her in that manner - then so much then better.
Both girls breathed a sigh of relief when the first trimester screening tests and CVS came back clear. They'd celebrated with a dinner of veggie and rice noodles stir-fry - with a warning from Miguel that Rachel would have to take care with her diet as balancing a pregnancy with a vegan lifestyle could be difficult, especially given how small the mother to be was - and settled in with the first of the Star Wars movies. The anxiety of waiting for the results of the tests had taken its toll and Rachel wasn't awake to hear Miguel open the door to check on them halfway into the film, letting his daughter know he was leaving for a shift at the hospital and to be good.
Santana had fallen asleep a little while later. Between school, Cheerios and the extra amount of therapy she had found herself in, she was not getting nearly enough sleep for a young girl. She had also had her hormones and anti-anxiety medication and depression medications altered which always made her more tired then usual. She was trying really hard to be okay with everything. That she had fathered a child. But she really didn't know how to feel about any of it.
She rolled slightly, nestling in the space to the side of Rachel's body, her hips flush against the smaller girl's butt. Santana had given up trying to conceal her appendage when the diva was around. She used to wear her concealing underwear when the diva came over, but she eventually just gave up. She wore baggy sweatpants and a t-shirt, but in her sleep she seemed less worried about hiding herself. She accidentally rubbed against Rachel's backside and groaned softly still too deep into her nap to notice.
The movement against her back roused Rachel slightly from her nap, but it was the soft groan and the feeling of familiar hardness rubbing against her backside through the loose shorts she wore for dance that she'd taken to leaving at Santana's for their evenings together that made her moan softly and grind back against her friend's erection. She wasn't quite awake as she groped behind her for one of Santana's hands, dragging it over her side to press it against her breast. She let out a soft whimper at the feeling of the girl's hand covering her breast through the thin cloth of her t-shirt, nipple hardening at the slight friction as she rubbed her ass into Santana.
Santana groaned and pulled her closer. Her nimble fingers sought out the peaked nipple as she continued to rock slowly creating friction between Rachel's ass and her crotch. She rested her head against Rachel neck, grunting softly when she became fully erect.
Rachel moaned softly, coming fully awake as Santana continued manipulating her body. She blinked as the situation started making itself completely known to her, biting her lip as her head rolled back to rest on Santana's shoulder and trying to stifle a groan at the feeling of stiff nipples and soft breasts pressing into her back through their shirts. She wanted what seemed to be happening - the heat pooling between her thighs and the way her hormones had been raging lately all but demanding sex made that completely evident - but she didn't want to take anything more away from Santana. If the other girl wanted to have sex, she was definitely taking a positive stance regarding it, but she wanted to be sure Santana really did want it first.
"S-santana?" Her voice was soft at first, slightly broken by a gasp as the girl's fingers managed an especially sharp tweak of her nipple, but she cleared her throat and tried again, even though she still sounded decidedly breathy and hopeful, "Santana, are you awake?" She groaned at the feeling of the erection grinding into her ass.
Santana whimpered, her dick feeling the pressure of Rachel's movement squeezing it softly. She moved and laid on her back, her hand unconsciously began to stroke and grope her penis as it was tenting her pants. She grunted and her eyes remained closed as her hand lazily surrounded her member and her head moved so she could rest it on Rachel.
"Mmm Rach," she mumbled as she breathed against her partner's neck.
Rachel shivered, unable to stop the soft moan that slipped from her lips at Santana's breath on her neck or the way she called for her. She shifted in the bed as Santana moved away from her, rolling until she could face the other girl, breath catching in her throat as she watched the girl's tanned hand squeezing her erect member through her pants. Her eyes traced over the line of the beautiful girl's jaw and neck, following down over the soft mounds of her breasts. She licked her suddenly dry lips as she gazed at the girl's chest, wishing - not for the first time - that she dared take those beautiful tits into her mouth without Santana asking her to.
Her gaze continued down soon followed by hesitant fingers tracing at the waistband of her friend's loose fitting pants. She licked her lips, eyes darting uncertainly up to Santana's closed eyes before pushing the other girl's hand away and carefully slipping her fingers under the waistband, sliding the sweats down over slim hips to expose her erection. She bit her lip as she slid her hand over the smooth, veined shaft, just barely brushing it.
Santana didn't want it - the way she talked about it made that obvious - but Rachel couldn't really understand as she slid her hand over the velvety skin, watching as she stroked the other girl. It was a part of her and, just like the rest of her, as far as Rachel was concerned it was beautiful. As a drop of pre-cum welled up from the tip, she whimpered softly, shifting to be able to swirl her tongue over the head of her partner's cock, collecting the fluid. She kept stroking slowly, her lips and tongue plying the head, teeth delicately scraping over soft skin as she watched Santana for signs of wakefulness.
Santana breath caught and she arched up into Rachel's mouth as she started to wake. Her head rolled slightly as she tried to fight being awake. She moaned softly as she blinked her eyes open seeing Rachel sucking her dick.
"This is how you ended up pregnant," she whispered, her voice thick with sleep.
Rachel slid the tip from her mouth, a thin line of saliva connecting them until she ran her tongue over her lips, looking up at Santana with dark, hooded eyes and a smile. "Perhaps it lead to the actions which impregnated me, but I don't have to worry about that any more since I already am pregnant, right? And," she looked hesitant, "you enjoy this, correct?"
Santana hesitated slightly. "It feels good..." she whispered, "I just am trying to get over my feelings of wanting to cut it off... But then again it's really fucking hard and I don't know what else to do." She panted and tried to focus on Rachel and not her dick. "And we were never really worried about you getting knocked up to begin with."
"You're right," Rachel whispered, biting her lip with a hesitant smile, her hand still sliding up and down Santana's trembling cock, "but if I have to be unexpectedly pregnant, I," she glanced away for a moment before looking back at Santana shyly, "I'm glad it's by you." She kissed the tip of her partner's cock, squeezing her thighs together and trying to ignore her own burning desire to help Santana, "I know you hate it and... and want it gone, but it's a part of you, Santana, and... and it made having a child together possible. I know it's not optimal, but couldn't that be a good thing?"
"Maybe," she sighed, "I think that I can live with that." she raised her hips a bit more so the damp skin could rub against Rachel's lips. "I know you like it, so I can deal with that for now, and using it hurts less than not using it."
Rachel squeezed the girl's erection gently at the base, leaning up to lightly kiss the soft skin of Santana's stomach just above her straining cock. "I like it because I like making you," she hesitated, happy almost slipping from her lips, but she knew that wasn't true, "feel good." She looked up from where her lips had slipped to the curve of muscle between Santana's hip and groin, "I just want to make you feel good, Santana. Please," she whispered, her breath sliding over tanned skin, her voice low and husky, "tell me what you want me to do. I'll do anything for you. Anything at all."
"Can... Have you ever been with a girl?" Santana whispered, leaning up in her elbows and looking down.
"Have I...?" Rachel leaned up, looking confused and slowly shaking her head. "You mean besides you? No, I've never been a position where I had the opportunity. Why? Are you..." she bit her lip, looking troubled, "You don't think I'm only here because you have a penis, do you? I swear that's not it. You're a girl to me, Santana, and I'd still want to be with you in a sexual fashion if you were more traditionally shaped..."
"I meant a real girl..." she said softly, "I wanted to have sex like girls but I don't know how and yeah..." she blushed as she spoke. "It's dumb, never mind."
Rachel shook her head, smiling softly, "It's not dumb." She let go of touching Santana and moved until she was lying stretched out against the taller girl's side. She hesitated for a second, then shifted so her leg rested over Santana's hips, her erection brushing against her thigh, and slid an arm around her waist. "I," she bit her lip with a shy smile, a blush spreading over her cheeks, "Santana, I meant what I use to say. I'm yours." She reached up and brushed a strand of dark hair away from the other girl's face, "Whatever you want to do, I am willing."
"I used to," her eyes slipped from Santana as the blush darkened and she swallowed a little nervously, "I used to try and pretend what it would be like. Being with you. Before I found out about," she nodded towards the girl's cock. "I used to try and imagine what it would be like to have you between my legs while I touched myself... imagined being able to taste you and slide inside you... Is... is that what you meant?"
"Yeah," she whimpered, "but I can't do that. I mean you can't to me, I can to you..." she was getting frustrated, she couldn't match what she wished for sexually to her body.
"Santana..." Rachel breathed her name with a soft smile, "I love it when you touch me." Her eyes shone in the soft light from the TV in the darkening room, glimmering with something suspiciously like tears, "I will happily let you touch me however you desire in whatever manner you desire. I just," her eyes fell to Santana's chest, blush darkening again, "can I taste you? I... I mean, your," she swallowed, her eyes dark as they rose to meet Santana's gaze again, "your breasts... I just... I would really like to taste them..."
Santana blushed and sat up, tugging off her shirt. She looked down then back up with hesitation. "Can you tell they're fake?" she asked softly. Her teeth worried her lip as she spoke. She had never let anyone see all of her. She just needed to know she was safe with someone... with Rachel.
"I mean of course you can but like..." she looked down her black hair falling in front of her face. "I never really look at myself naked..." she sniffled, looking back up. "I'm such a freak." she moved her hand down to tuck away her erection painfully between her legs then looked up proudly. "That's better," she said happy when she could pass as a girl.
Rachel sighed - not liking to see the other girl cause herself pain - and moved to straddle Santana's hips, watching her fingers trail over the taller girl's breasts with a fascinated smile. "They're beautiful, Santana. And they look just as real to me as mine. Would you like to compare?" She blushed, but her hands went to the hem of her shirt, pulling it up over her head, leaving her nude from the waist up, "See?" She dropped her shirt over the side of the bed, her hands returning to cup Santana's breasts, thumbs stroking over her nipples. "You're not a freak, Santana." Her voice was husky, her breaths coming a little quicker as she shifted, unaware that her arousal had soaked through her shorts and was likely very evident to her partner.
"You're beautiful..." she whispered, shifting and leaning down to carefully take one nipple between her lips, swirling her tongue around the bud as she sucked gently. She moaned softly against Santana's body at the taste of the girl's skin, quiet whimpers breaking out as she felt the other breast reacting to her hand carefully caressing the soft skin.
Santana gasped, she didn't realize how sensitive she'd be now. She ran a hand through Rachel's hair then down her back and back up before sliding her hand around to cup Rachel's breast. "You're beautiful." she whispered as she stroked the nipple between her fingers. "That feels so good, Rachel," Santana exclaimed as she whimpered and moaned into the air.
Rachel made a sound low in her throat that was almost like a purr at the feeling of Santana's fingers stroking through her hair and down her back, actually growling and just barely resisting biting Santana's breast as she felt the warm and every so slightly rough hand against her sensitive breast. She pulled back with a gasp and a low groan as she pressed into Santana's touch. "I want you to feel good when I touch you, Santana," she whispered, her voice shaky with arousal, her hands stroking over her partner's breasts as she gulped down trembling breaths, nibbling gently across the tops of her breasts and lightly sucking on her collarbone as she moved to the thus far neglected breast.
"God," she gasped, lips hovering over the nipple as Santana tweaked her nipple, "you taste delicious, Santana... I love touching you like this," she brushed the pad of her thumb over Santana's other peak, rolling over the stiff bud and pebbled aureole. "I always wanted to... I just didn't think you wanted me to touch you like this..." As the last word fell from her lips, they closed around the nipple they had been teasing, sucking slightly harder than before, the tip of her tongue flicking over the peak gently caught between her teeth.
"Fuck," Santana gasped, her hips moving up and her hands moving to push down Rachel's shorts, "off." She shuddered, trying to get the feeling of skin on skin.
Rachel pulled away long enough to stand and slide her shorts and panties off leaving her completely nude. The moment away from the intoxicating touch of the other girl was all it took for even her aroused mind to realize that Santana was seeing her nude for the first time in a couple months. She hesitated before rejoining Santana, rubbing her upper arm and looking uncertain due to the changes in her body from the pregnancy. The bump from the baby was more obvious without her loose shirt to disguise it and her arm crossing under her breasts as she continued to nervously grip and rub her upper arm just seemed to accentuate it even more.
She worried her lip with her teeth and looked down at her feet, uncertain. "I... I know I've gained weight... is... is this still okay?"
Santana moved her hands to stroke the hard bump where the baby they created was living as Rachel sat back down on the bed. "It's really in there?" she exclaimed, almost in awe of the fact they could create anything. "There's really a baby?" she looked up with a child-like wonderment. "That's cool," she smiled before leaning Rachel back a bit and kissing the swell.
Rachel smiled down at Santana's apparent excitement about their child - it was almost enough to distract her from the overwhelming throbbing between her legs as she settled down. Almost. Lying back on the bed, she combed her fingers through Santana's hair. "There's really a baby," she whispered softly, "They're really there. You're seeing them with me next week, remember? But right now they would really like you to help relieve their mom's sexual frustration." She arched her hips up to press her core against one of Santana's thighs as the taller girl leaned over her.
Santana looked up for a moment and smiled softly, she slid her hands up Rachel's thighs as she kissed up the girl's chest. She started at Rachel's bellybutton and moved up to her chest, kissing across the girl's breasts and teasing a nipple between her lips as she slid her hand up to cup Rachel's core. She smiled when she felt the girl's essence and quickly moved to slide two fingers deep into the mother of her child. She slowly thrust, her fingers sliding in, then slowly moving out, and repeating this action until Rachel was practically humping her hand.
While Santana was touching Rachel, her penis was straining painfully back between her legs. She tried to ignore it put it got too painful to bear and she shifted slightly so it popped out of its hiding place and strained against her stomach as she continued to work up the Diva and suck softly at the girl's breasts.
Rachel moaned, tangling her fingers in Santana's hair and tugging. "O-oh," she gasped, "Yes... There... there!" She arched into Santana's hand, the movement pushing the taller girl's fingers against her g-spot causing a tremor to shoot through her as she let out a low cry. Her nails scraped against Santana's scalp as her legs curled around her, heels pressing into her back and pulling her closer as she rolled her hips to meet each thrust.
She loved the feeling of Santana's breasts pressing against her abdomen as soft lips caressed her still very sensitive breasts. She tightened her muscles, clenching around the girl's digits as soft whimpers broke from her with each thrust into her body. "S-Santana," she hissed, gasping for air, her heart racing from the slow, almost gentle sex she was receiving, "C-close!"
Santana pushed the girl back and continued to thrust her fingers but she situated herself so she would be able to gently lap at Rachel's clit with her tongue. She made slow circles against the pulsing nerve with her tongue, raking her teeth against it as she continued thrust into the girl, hitting her g-spot with each careful stroke.
Rachel writhed beneath her, hands fisting in Santana's hair as she bucked up into her. Her breath came in quick pants, tiny mewls escaping her with each new touch to her clit. "S-s-Santana!" she moaned, head pressing hard back into the bed, her back arching so hard her hips nearly came completely off the bed.
Finally she froze, muscles clenching tight around Santana's fingers, her entire body seeming locked for a moment until she finally found breath enough to release a loud wordless cry as everything seemed to explode, collapsing back onto the bed. Her release flooded over Santana's hand as she came even harder than she normally did with their typical sexual encounters. She trembled and shook, clutching Santana to her, not wanting to let go yet.
Santana licked softly around the fingers that were still inside the other girl. She drank in the dripping essence on her fingers and palm until she was just left with damp skin. "That's really hot that you can do that." She said as she admired the girl's core with admiration and a tinge of jealousy. She smiled softly and moved to rest her head on Rachel's thigh and slipped her other hand down in between her legs and struggled to tuck her penis back and pray that her erection would just go away with no attention paid to it.
Rachel let out a breathy chuckle, "Only with you. You're the only one who makes me achieve such a powerful climax, Santana. But," she tugged the other girl up, giving her time to adjust the angle of her wrist when she showed no signs of wanting to pull out, "I am not the only one suffering from frustration." She squeezed her thighs around Santana's wrist as she rolled them until she was lying on top of Santana. "Mmm, I love feeling you inside me," she whispered sucking lightly on the taller girl's pulse point, sparing a moment of concentration to clench her muscles around Santana's fingers. "But I really love that I have permission to touch you like this." Her fingers stroked over the girl's breasts, teasing her nipples. "And like this," she caught a nipple between her teeth, tugging gently and flicking her tongue over the tip.
After she had spent some time suckling at Santana's breasts, she shifted to block the other girl's view of her lower body with her own as her hand slipped over Santana's smooth stomach. "Let me make you feel good," she whispered, caressing Santana's hip as she swirled her tongue over pebbled flesh. "Be my girl for a little while and let me touch you..."
"H-how..." she whispered, her resolve breaking little by little as Rachel worked up her body. "I-i'm okay.. I.. I'm okay." She was in pain from where she was trying to conceal her erection and she was fighting a losing battle with her inner demons. "You make me feel good I promise... we don't have too." she closed her eyes and gave into the feelings that Rachel was causing her.
"I'm afraid you may do injury yourself if we don't... so, I want you to close your eyes and imagine something with me, Santana," Rachel whispered as she watched the taller girl, her breath flowing over the nipple her lips were brushing as she slipped her fingers along the top of Santana's penis where it was tucked between her thighs, "You are a girl, so try to imagine that what I'm stroking is your clitoris..."
She carefully eased the painfully hard penis from its trap, gently running her thumb over the tip in small circles. She stroked along the shaft, sucking on her partner's nipple as she did, careful not to let her fingers stray far from the sensitive tip without paying proper attention to the girl's breasts as well. Going back to drawing small circles over the head, she moaned softly at the feeling of pre-cum beginning to coat her thumb.
"You're so wet for me, beautiful girl," she breathed, "Do I do this to you?"
Santana was shaking, the stimulation to her painfully erect dick was almost too much. She moaned and ran her fingers through Rachel's hair and she tightly grasped her locks. "Yes..." She moaned as she arched up into her hand. "Rachel... Thank you.. I just need... Please more..." She was happy that Rachel was trying to make her feel like a whole person, but she anatomically was male and just stimulation to her dick-head wasn't nearly enough to get her off. She bucked wantonly and whimpered. "Please I need..."
Rachel nodded, taking a nipple between her teeth and tugging as she began to work Santana's shaft. Her tongue flicked over the bud and she sucked softly, squeezing gently near the base of her penis with each suck. Her free hand rolled over the neglected breast, kneading the soft mound carefully, occasionally rolling the nipple between her fingers or pinching gently and giving soft tugs.
"Fuck." She groaned as she arched up into the other girl and shook violently as her orgasm exploded into Rachel's hand and over her chest. Santana groaned and thrust into Rachel's hand several times until her orgasm was finished. She fell back exhausted and whimpered at her painfully abused penis when it fell out of Rachel's grasp. "Sorry..." She panted, once she noticed her cum all over her partner's hand and breasts.
"For what?" Rachel asked curiously, bringing her hand up to carefully lick it clean. "I enjoy the way you taste." She glanced down at her cum-slicked body, "Though, perhaps we should indulge in a shower? We seem to have gotten a little sticky... I just," she bit her lip, glancing at Santana almost anxiously, "Was that okay? I thought you might appreciate the fantasy and I didn't want to ruin you feeling like the girl you are just to relieve your frustration..."
Santana nodded and she sat up and cracked her back. "Yeah. I have a bathroom attached to my room, so we can take a shower or a Jacuzzi tub thing." She shrugged getting off the bed and carefully tucking her sensitive penis back between her legs. She walked to the bathroom and pointed at the large tub and shrugged, before going and turning on the hot water and putting a little bit of liquid soap into the water before climbing in. "My legs are still shaky from that workout and cheerios today." She shrugged before tilting her head towards the other side of the tub.
Rachel sighed, certain she'd messed up again by trying to pretend like she had when Santana seemed to just ignore her concerned question. She got off the bed on trembling legs and carefully made her way into the bathroom just in time to see Santana nod toward the other side of the tub. Taking it as the invite the other girl likely intended it as, she carefully climbed in, hissing softly as the hot water hit her still sensitive parts.
"I..." she began, not feeling like she had the right to look at Santana in that moment, "Santana, I'm sorry." Her shoulders trembled as she stared down at the water, trying not to cry, "I shouldn't have tried to make you pretend... I was wrong. Again. Why do I always make such stupid mistakes with you! I... I just can't do anything right by you, can I?"
"Why are you crying?" Santana asked, honestly not sure what she did wrong. "You didn't.. I'm okay... I'm always pretending so why should it be any different now? I liked what we did, I really did okay? I'm just sensitive about it sometimes." she looked down and moved the water around a bit with her hands. "I'm sorry. I'm really bad at this shit." she looked down and tried to hide how disappointed in herself she was. "I can't even keep you happy during sex..."
Rachel shook her head hurriedly, palming at her eyes, "No! You do! You really, really do. It's the only time I really feel like I belong. No, I just... I don't want to do anything bad to you anymore. It's bad enough I forced myself on you, I don't want to make you feel bad..." She sniffled, trying to stop crying but failing, "Argh! I don't understand what's wrong with me! Why can't I even control my own emotions anymore? I'm all over the place and I just don't know why!"
Santana sighed and reached over to rub Rachel's knee. "Cuz you're filled to the brim with my sperm and it's cooking a baby up in your vag?" She threw out there as she tried to comfort Rachel. "Look, you can cry all you want, just don't think you're causing me pain for whatever. I cause myself enough pain for the both of us and you and the baby are not the cause of that..." She assured her and she moved a bit closer and took Rachel's hand. "I know I have issues and I'm sorry if you're feeling off balance because of me."
Rachel looked down at their joined hands and sniffled, "You won't think that when I'm fat and hideously bloated in a few more weeks." She rubbed the small bump that used to be a flat stomach, "I'm sorry I'm in such disarray lately, Santana. You've been terribly nice to me, far more than I likely deserve having cast your life into a horrid tailspin..."
She wanted to lean on her. She wanted to lay in her arms and let Santana tell her that everything would be okay. She wanted to be anywhere but Lima, Ohio. But none of those things were options as far as she could tell so she just sighed and continued rubbing small circles over the baby even she couldn't feel yet.
"First of all... my life sucked before you." Santana squeezed the girl's hand, "Now... it's not sucking so much because I know I have someone who I can talk too even if I don't wanna." She tried to shrug off her feelings for the smaller girl. "Plus you're not gonna get fat. You will get huge tits and a tiny baby belly, especially since were both pretty small people."
Rachel sniffed, peering up at Santana through tear beaded eyelashes, "Really?" She wasn't sure how well she believed the other girl when she said Rachel was making her life better, but she wanted to. "I make things better?" She dragged the back of her hand across her face, "Usually, everyone says I just make things worse. But," she bit her lip, glancing hopefully at Santana, "I really make things better for you? Even with..." she nodded at her stomach.
The taller girl nodded, "Yeah. I never felt worth anything and... now I have to be to be a parent right?" she asked shyly. "My shrink has been talking me through it... I'm scared, I'm overwhelmed and I'm reconsidering everything I thought I wanted... but yeah. You're showing me that some people won't care that I'm different..." she said softly, before sliding back to her side of the tub.
"You're only different to people who think they get to define normal," Rachel stated, leaning back against the tub wall and feeling oddly bereft when Santana moved away. "There's absolutely nothing wrong with you as far as I can see. Anyone who suggests otherwise to you is nothing but a jerk and an ignorant one at that."
She reached over and picked up a cloth, attempting to clean off the signs of their sexual coition to distract herself from how much she wanted to crawl across the space between them and just hide her face in Santana's shoulder. She wanted to beg her to hold her, but she bit her lip hard to keep the words inside. It was one thing to have sex or have a child or even be friends together. It was quite another to expect the sort of comportment one might expect from a significant other. Rachel sighed softly, trying to mask it by splashing the water slightly as she washed.
Santana shrugged and washed herself with vanilla bodywash before handing it to Rachel. "Want me to wash your hair?" She offered, holding up a bottle in her left hand as she looked bashfully at the other girl. "I mean I know you can do it yourself but when I'm upset my dad used to wash my hair and tell me everything was gonna be okay and I wanted to do the same for you, if you wanted it?" She said quietly as she played with the bubbles that had started to fade.
Rachel clenched her jaw and told herself furiously that she was not going to start crying again despite the tight feeling in her chest. She nodded a bit jerkily, "If... If you want to, then I don't mind." She risked a glance at Santana with a shy smile. "My dads just brought me a glass of water. It's hard to tell the difference between being sad and being thirsty sometimes because of it but your father sounds really cool..." She scooted carefully around to put her back to the taller girl, trying not to splash too much water out of the tub in the process.
"Honestly? My dad is my best friend," she said softly, focusing on putting shampoo in her hand and starting to working it into long brown hair. "He left my mom to raise me as a girl, he left everything pretty much for me. Like, it's been really hard for us... but like he's got my back and I got his." She let her nails rake against Rachel's scalp gently, "Your dads must hate me... the tranny who knocked up their baby... my dad asked about them the other day. I was sure you would have told them by now, but then again I haven't been shot by angry parental units yet.... do they know?" Santana asked as she halted her motions.
"Don't call yourself that, Santana." Rachel shook her head with a soft sigh. "I actually haven't told them yet," she murmured, swirling the water about, "I haven't yet decided yet if I will or not, to be honest. They don't really need to know, at least not yet..."
"Um. Okay, I mean it's your choice," she went back to massaging the girls scalp. "I... if you're scared they'll kick you out... you can always come here." Santana said quickly, "I want to take care of the baby... and you and yeah... I can do that right?" she asked kinda unsure of her abilities, "I mean I'd need to get a job and you have to graduate and go to college so yeah... but taking care of the baby is important..."
"They're not going to kick me out of my own home, Santana," Rachel responded with a dry chuckle, "Besides, unless I say something, they won't even notice. And if I do, they'll likely feel awful and blame themselves and I don't want that. But thank you for the offer of a home, Santana." She turned her head to smile softly back over her shoulder at Santana, "You have to graduate too, you know. And go to college." She rubbed her belly, "This little one is going to have two successful parents after all."
She bit her lip and reached back to squeeze Santana's hand. "We'll both get jobs. It may be a struggle at times but the important thing is our child knows they're loved by both of their parents. And... and... away from here. I don't want to be a Lima Loser, Santana... I don't want that for either of us..."
"Yeah. I don't think... no matter how much I love the baby... I don't... I couldn't be his parent here... Not like I could elsewhere." Santana admitted, "I know it's shallow and pathetic, but being gay is hard enough... but being biologically a guy and identifying as a chick and getting another chick knocked up?" she laughed curtly, "That sounds like something they'd have city meetings on and then run us out of town." she shook her head, "you deserve better and so does the kid. I'll follow you both wherever you want."
Rachel snorted, "They certainly tried to run my fathers and I out of town often enough. I have no doubt they'd find some horrid clause in the books to do the same to us. I wanted New York so badly," she sighed softly, "but there is no way we could afford to raise a child there let alone attend to out schooling. Besides, it's where I would be expected to go and... I don't want to be found after I leave here. At least not for a while."
"Like maybe down south? Or out west? Like, I need to go somewhere near a medical centre that understands my... condition..." she thought for a few moments, "Like... Miami, or San Fransisco or like New Orleans..."
Rachel cocked her head to the side, "New Orleans? Daddy graduated from the University there. That's where he met Dad. There are, of course, certain dangers inherent in that locale - voodoo being not the least of them - but also possibly advantages such as a thriving jazz scene that your lovely smokey contralto could possibly do quite well in... But, we have time yet before we graduate to compare pros and cons of various locales and find one suitable to our needs."
"We have 7 months..." she sighed almost sadly, "Yeah, I guess it will all get figured out." She said, rinsing out Rachel's hair and quickly washing her own. "I think anywhere has to be better than here, right?"
"There's a positive thought." Rachel laughed, turning to help her rinse the soap out of her hair, "Think of it instead as the remaining gestation period of our offspring and the time we need to ensure, for example, that we will be able to attend the school or schools of our choice when we chose a town. We'll need to hurry and apply after all."
"You can go to school first... then I'll go so we can keep the kid out of like daycare and all that shit." Santana said as she wrapped herself in a towel then handed one to Rachel. "I don't know what I wanna do and you do so you go and that way I can watch the baby and work at night."
"Still, we should both apply to be assured we can both get in." She wrapped the towel around her and was wringing her hair out when and idea came to mind. "You know, this is a most unusual idea but... perhaps we could alternate semesters? At least for the first two years. That's all general education courses for the most part anyway as far as I understand it."
"I guess. I don't know. Make a list of the schools you're applying too and I'll apply too. Simple..." She headed back into her room and handed Rachel some clean clothing and pulled on her own pair of sweats and a shirt. "I'm kinda down with whatever..."
"Santana? Just so you know," Rachel's words became muffled as she struggled into the clothes, finally getting her head out the right hole, "I believe you have the drive and determination to succeed at whatever you set your mind to." She smiled over at the other girl, fluffing out her hair.
"Yeah... maybe, but you have the skill and the drive. I just have determination..." she shrugged, "I'll figure me out, but you have to promise to not hold back on your dream cause we made a mistake, okay?"
"Santana," Rachel bit her lip, folding her arms over her stomach protectively, "first, dreams change sometimes, but I'll promise not to hold back from chasing mine if you can promise to never call our baby a mistake again."
"You know I didn't mean it like that. That I just... You know what I meant." Santana sighed, "I just don't want to be the reason you got held back." She said softly and with a shrug. "But no matter what we'll have the baby and we can focus all of our attention on him or her. Right?"
Rachel nodded. "You're absolutely right, Santana. But, for the record," she took a deep breath, "I don't consider any of this a mistake. Not being with you in a sexual way or what came of it. Perhaps it is naive of me, but I regard this child as a miracle just for existing given the circumstances of their conception and I will do whatever it takes to ensure that they are taken care of to the best of my ability. I don't believe you can hold me back, Santana, but if my goals take longer to achieve so I can care for our child then so be it."
She smiled at the stunned girl and flicked the lights off, crawling into bed. "Come to bed, Santana. We're both tired and things will doubtlessly look better in the morning." She snuggled into the covers, smiling softly to herself at the dip in the bed and rustle of the covers as Santana crawled in behind her, sliding over until she was pressed up against her back.
Santana didn't hold her - she never did when they deliberately went to bed together - but she always seemed to be close or touching her in some way while they slept and it made Rachel feel warm inside just by her being close. And she wasn't at all about to complain about how often she woke up with thin arms wrapped around her. But she wouldn't say anything about how much she wished it was more than a sleeping reaction to cuddle into the warmth she brought to the bed.
They were friends. It was enough for her.
For now anyway.