I Know You Want Me - Chapter Nine
Title: I Know You Want Me
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: 49,375
Spoilers: This is AU. No Beth. No Lucy. Puck/Rachel lasted for a few months instead of a week and Jesse is a bigger ass than canon. Also Santana's promiscuity implied in the canon is not in effect for this fic for reasons that will be made evident.
Pairing: Rachel/Santana, Puck/Quinn
Summary: Rachel's longed after someone since the first day they met, but will a big secret bring them together or destroy them?
Warnings (highlight to read): Gender Identity Disorder, pregnancy, angst, topping, language, voyeurism, dub-con, non-con, anal, oral, vaginal, public, fisting, size-kink, and talk of self harm
Chapter Nine
Santana woke up confused. At some point during the night she had rolled to the other side of Rachel's bed and ended up tangled in the sheet. She blinked, her eyes full of sleep and her body still tense with exhaustion from the night before. She rolled over slightly and looked at Rachel, noticing quickly that something was off about the other girl.
Rachel normally slept on her side, her body and face relaxed in a soft smile. But that morning her face was stained with tears and her body tense, her expression almost pained. Santana gasped, looking around trying to figure out if Rachel was hurt, or if something happened while she was sleeping to the mother of her child.
Rousing slowly from sleep as Santana moved, Rachel stirred, yawning and stretching against the lingering stiffness in her body from her awkward position before opening her eyes. Blinking tiredly, she smiled up at Santana, rubbing at her eyes to clear the rest of the sleep away. "Good morning, beautiful." As the expression on her lover's face registered with her conscious mind, she began to be concerned, pushing up until she was sitting in bed, "Santana, what's the matter? You look upset..."
"You're crying. Why are you crying?" Santana asked, her voice near frantic. "Did.. I do something? Did you not wanna have sex? Cause, you acted like you did. You said you did..." Santana looked at her like she was gonna tell the world she raped her or something. "Please... I'm so sorry."
Rachel's eyes went wide. "What? No! I'm... Santana, no!" She reached out and wrapped her fingers around Santana's arm. "You did nothing wrong, beautiful. Nothing. Last night was amazing," she smiled reassuringly, trying to let Santana see just how much she had enjoyed the night before.
"I wanted everything that happened last night," she stroked her lover's arm reassuringly, "I wanted you and I wanted to have sex with you. I," she nibbled on her lips, reaching up with her free hand to try and scour away the tears. "It must have just been a bad dream... I promise it's nothing you did. I loved everything you did to me last night, how you made me feel so special. All of it. I promise."
Santana didn't know if she believed her or not. She pulled her knees up to her chest and looked at Rachel. "Something else is bothering you, I saw it last night. I see it now." Santana observed, "I was trying to make it different and you wouldn't look at me last night... I was trying to make it not fucking... I was trying really hard." Santana sniffled, "I tell you when I'm freaking out about something, but you're lying to me. I know you are."
Rachel swallowed, her lips thinning as she tried not to cry as Santana nailed on the one thing she wanted to avoid. She took a deep shuddering breath and closed her eyes. "But I can't, Santana. I'm not allowed to be upset! You need to do what you need to do to be happy and I," she sniffled, scrubbing at her eye, "have to live with that." Her voice broke, coming out much softer when she got it under control again, "Even if it means I lose you in five months."
"What the fuck happens in five months?" Santana exclaimed, "We won't even have the baby and what? You think I'm gonna fucking leave?" She was outraged. She wasn't leaving. She had made it clear that she wanted the baby, that she wanted to raise it.
"No!" Rachel was crying, her arms wrapped around her stomach, "You said you were getting your surgery in f-five months. You won't w-want me anymore after that. I just... just want this to not stop and it will!"
She couldn't bring herself to look Santana, chafing her arms in some vain attempt at making the cold feeling in her chest go away. "You'll be what you want and... I won't have you..."
"How is me getting this thing removed," she motioned to her penis, "have any affect on our relationship?" She was confused. She hadn't even decided if she would get her surgery. She just knew she could get it once she turned 18. "I said I could get the dick removed, Rachel." She narrowed her eyes at the other girl. "But thanks for letting me know that you think we're done the minute I lose my ability to fuck you... so much for being a real girl, huh." She was defensive, getting up off the bed and looking around trying to find her pants.
"N-no!" Rachel scrubbed at her eyes, "No! That's not it at all! You said you wouldn't want me to touch you! That I... I couldn't reciprocate anymore after..." She pulled her legs up, lip caught between her teeth. "It's not fair," she whispered, "I've wanted you for years and I only get a few months..."
"Have you ever looked up what happens when this surgery goes through? There's two ways, one they just take the testicles off, the second is when they cut off my penis - reroute my urethra and a small part of the tip to make a Frankenstein clit. Sometimes they can make a hole in me, but then it needs to be pried open with like dildos and reinforced with plastic to stay open." Santana exclaimed, her hands shaking in frustration. "How the fuck can you reciprocate when my body will be just so beyond recognition... I won't even be able to feel it, Rachel!"
Rachel's lips thinned but she finally looked up, meeting Santana's eyes and letting her see how much it was all hurting her. "Of course, I have! I've read everything I could find about this surgery! I know what sort of risks are involved! I know about it, okay!"
Santana crossed her arms tightly, "I want to be with you and our kid. I can still be with you sexually with my hands and mouth... but, I'm sorry, you can't with me if I have it done... which by the way I don't even know if I can..."
The smaller girl sniffled, "Can't you understand that if I can't make you feel as wonderful as you make me feel it's simply not worth it? Have you never wondered why I put your pleasure before mine? Because it's important to me to be able to make you feel good, Santana!"
"Because it's all I can give you to make you stay with me!" She sobbed, her hormones making it too difficult to keep anything back now that it was coming out, "Because if I can't please you, you won't want to hold me! You won't sleep with me! After the baby's born I won't have anything to keep you with me anymore and I can't bear it!" She drew her legs up protectively, wrapping her arms around them.
"You make me feel good, even when you don't touch me!" Santana replied, "You treat me like I'm fucking normal! I don't have anyone else in my life who does that so the fact you don't believe that I'm enough of a fucking person to stay with you and my child..."
The hormones pumping though Santana's body were different than the ones in Rachel's, but they had a tendency to throw her over the edge in the same way sometimes. Santana punched the wall, her fist going though it with a growl.
"I fucking want you, I'll continue to want you if my fucking dick is gone. I don't know how to make you understand that! How to make you feel wanted! I changed how I respond to you, I hold doors and kiss you hoping that it will make your knees weak. I like you and evidently i'm a fucking idiot who cant figure out how to make you understand!"
"It does make my knees weak," Rachel sobbed into her knees, "When you kiss me all I want is for it to never stop. I feel safest when I wake and your arms are around me." She squeezed her arms around her knees, gasping for breath. "I wanted you more than I wanted Broadway, but I always thought I never had a chance and...and then when it started to seem like maybe I did... I find out you want a surgery to destroy part of yourself. The one part of yourself that was the only reason I had any chance! the part that gave us this baby!"
"I know you hate it," she whispered, her voice trembling, "and I can understand why you would want it gone... but if you don't want sex any more, what good am I? Just a...a what? A morale booster? I like you, Santana. I really like you. But if I can't give you sexual release, how am I anything more than just...the mother of your child and a friend at most? What can I do to make you see I want more than that!"
She was afraid to look up, "Last night was amazing, but it hurt so much thinking I won't get to keep that connection with you if you get this surgery. That I won't be able to make you feel like you do me..."
"Why aren't you getting that you're my girlfriend? That's more than just fucking." Santana sighed, "I've never wanted sex before. Yes, I love being with you like that, and yes, it created our child... but being with you, with the part of me that I hate so much makes me uncomfortable. I'm so much happier when I can kiss you and make you feel good because it makes it worth-while." Santana whispered and looked at the ground.
"I don't even know if I'm getting the procedure. I don't think we can afford it. It's not covered by insurance and I just don't know... Everyone told me when I'm 18... when I'm 18, I can do it. I can become 'whole'. But no matter what I do? I'm never gonna feel right in this body so I don't know what I'm going to do..."
She sat down next to Rachel ad sighed, "I don't know how to make you understand that I'm here..."
When Santana sat down beside her, Rachel couldn't help but lean into her. She let her head rest on Santana's shoulder with a soft sniffle. "But that's all my boyfriends wanted," she whispered, "isn't that what a girlfriend supposed to do? And you're whole to me, Santana... you're my girlfriend no matter how you might be shaped. I love every part of you. You're you. And as far as I'm concerned," she swallowed, offering a watery smile, "you're perfect."
"I'm just so scared that if you do get this surgery, you won't want to touch me, won't want to let me touch you anymore... and it makes me feel like I'm a part of you, like we're connected, when I give you pleasure. I know it's selfish of me, but I don't want to lose that..."
"I know." Santana whispered, leaning over and pressing her lips to Rachel's head, "I feel better when I'm with you. I feel like I might be real, you know?" She sighed, "I understand all of your fears, but honestly, I don't know what to tell you. Being my girlfriend doesn't just mean that you should just get me off, your other boyfriends were idiots." She laced their fingers together and sighed. "I haven't decided if I am getting it done." She whispered and looked down at her underwear. "As much as I hate the existence of it, it's always been there..."
"It's a part of you," Rachel murmured, shifting to straddle Santana's hips and trailing her lips over the other girl's neck. She knew Santana said they didn't have to have sex, but right then, she wanted to. She wanted to show Santana that it wasn't about just fucking for her either.
She trailed her kisses up to Santana's earlobe sucking softly as she ran her hands up under Santana's tank top to gently cup her breasts. "I know you said being your girlfriend isn't about getting you off," she whispered in her lover's ear, "but I want to show you something. I want to show you," she rolled her hips into Santana's lap, "how whole you are to me. I want to show you how I feel..."
"Rae..." her voice got caught in her throat when Rachel touched her. "I... fuck, Rachel, we just got through talking about how we shouldn't do this..." Her hands moved to cup Rachel's ass as she spoke, her body obviously disregarding her words. She whimpered out a moan as Rachel's stroked her chest, her tongue darted out to lick her lips as she tried to focus on what was going on.
"If you don't want me to, then I can stop," Rachel breathed into Santana's neck, "but I want this. To be able to show you this. It's not about fucking to me, beautiful. It's more than that with you," she nipped gently over her lover's pulse point, "it always has been for me, but I never took the time to show you."
She carefully rolled Santana's nipples between her fingers as she ran her tongue up along the line of the taller girl's neck. "Do you know how long I've wanted the opportunity to touch your breasts? To taste these beautiful mounds?" She blew lightly over damp skin, "Did you know you were the star attraction in the first wet dream I ever had? And many more after that as well. Just thinking about you could get me so incredibly aroused..." she moaned softly, waiting for permission to go further. "I want to show you something from my dreams of you... Can I?"
"Yeah... " Santana said breathlessly, her hands moving up and down the girl's back. "I was your first sex dream?" she asked, "As a girl? You thought about sex with me?" she smiled and pulled Rachel into a passionate kiss. Her tongue pushed past Rachel's lips and caused her to pull the girl closer to her body as she continued the kiss.
"Mmhmm," Rachel moaned into Santana's mouth, rocking into her lap. "First," she caught the other girl's lower lips between her teeth and bit gently, giving a light tug, "and best... always a girl. God, Santana, I'd wake up drenched every time. You'd get so wet for me..."
She pushed Santana's top up, leaning back just long enough to pull it and her own t-shirt off and toss them aside, leaving only Santana's boyshorts as clothing between the two of them. "I loved dreaming about being able to suck on these," she murmured as she eased Santana back onto the bed, "but it's so much better in reality. You taste divine..." She moaned softly as she swirled her tongue around one tightening nipple before drawing it between her lips and sucking. Her hips straddled Santana's, wet core pressing into the bulge of her growing erection through her shorts.
Santana pressed up into Rachel as her hot mouth sucked on her sensitive nipples. Santana groaned and slid her fingers in Rachel's hair, she tried not to get too anxious and rub quickly into Rachel's core with her hard-on.
"Fuck, baby, please." she groaned as she listened to the diva's words.
Rachel slid up Santana's body, pressing their breasts together, the hard swell of her baby bump pressing into Santana's tight abdomen. "I loved being able to kiss you," she caught Santana's mouth in a deep, passionate kiss, her tongue slipping between full lips to stroke along the inside of her mouth as she ground against her erection, her juices beginning to soak through Santana's shorts.
"But what I loved most," she pressed their hips together, rolling in a way that shifted her upper body enough to rub their stiff nipples against each other, "what I would have to masturbate after every time because I'd be so intensely aroused, was," her lips moved to bite lightly on an earlobe and tug gently before moaning into it, "rubbing our pussies together. Just the thought of rubbing against you, clits bumping against each other, juices," she gasped, reaching down to part herself so Santana's wet cloth covered dick slid between her folds as she moved against her, "mingling..."
"Really?" Santana asked, her body on fire with Rachel's words and actions. "Like this?" she parted her legs a bit more so they were lined up and moving together. Santana's hard cock pressing up into Rachel's clit and pressing up against the nerve. Santana's arms wrapped around the diva and rested on the swell if her ass as the moved together slowly. After a few moments, Santana reached between them and freed her penis so they could be skin to skin.
Rachel moaned against Santana's throat, "Oh God, yes, just like that." She whimpered, pressing her hips down harder against Santana, her core sliding against the smooth, hard length of the other girl's cock. "I love feeling your wet folds pressing against mine," she rocked her hips, her voice shaky with how she was panting for breath as their slow motions built the fire in her higher and higher. "The way it sounds as we grind into each other... the feel of you..." She reached down between them, fingers brushing over Santana's stiff cock, slick with her arousal, as it slid between her folds teasing her higher and higher, "God, Santana, you're so wet!"
She gathered some of the juices on her fingers, licking a little off and moaning before bringing the dripping digits up to Santana's lips. "Taste, beautiful," she whispered, grinding against her lover, "Don't we taste amazing together like this?"
Santana opened her mouth, accepting the taste of their lovemaking when offered it. She moaned as she sucked on Rachel's fingers, her tongue wrapping around each digit and cleaning them off. She moved her hands down to cup Rachel's breasts, as they bounced with the pace of their rocking.
"F-feels, good. Rachel, fuck.." Santana gasped as she began to feel the tip of her cock weep with want for her girlfriend.
Rachel's core was beginning to clench, wanting Santana inside of her, but this, what they were doing - what she was trying to give her lover - wasn't about that. It wasn't about a traditional coupling no matter how much her body craved it. She nipped and sucked gently along Santana's neck, biting lightly when she reached her collar bone even as she continued to rub against the other girl, pressing herself along her stiff cock, holding it between their bodies.
"I want to show you this," she whispered against tanned skin, "I want to show you that you're a girl to me. That when I dream of you it's like this. Slow. Intense," she arched her back and rolled her hips to press her hard clit as directly as she could against the tip of Santana's penis, "and female." She cried out softly as her climax built and built, hovering and climbing higher instead of cresting.
"T-thank you." Santana moaned as she reached for Rachel's lips, she was close. So close to coming that her dick jumped and pulsed. She grunted, rocking faster up into her girlfriend before finally releasing. Her cum shot up, hitting the bulge of the other girls belly before dripping down to soak their sexes.
Just before Santana came, Rachel surged up and caught her lips with hers, moaning into her lover's mouth as she felt the hot cum splashing over her stomach and seeping down between them. She rocked a couple more times before coming with a shuddering cry, her nails digging into the other girl's shoulders as her body trembled through her climax. She buried her face in Santana's shoulder muttering something that almost sounded like "I love you" but it was too muffled against sweaty skin to be understood.
She stayed like that for a long moment, body still pressed against her lover, Santana's penis softening between her folds. She drew in a long shaky breath as she finally regained control, carefully kissing up from the bruising bite she'd left in Santana's shoulder as she came to the other girl's lips. She kissed her soft and slow, reaching up to brush her fingertips gently over Santana's face. "I know you said what we have doesn't have to be about sex," she whispered, her lips brushing Santana's as she spoke, "but it was incredibly important for me to give you that. I needed to show you..."
"I know." Santana whispered, as she pulled Rachel closer and smiled when the girls legs wrapped around her. "I know it's a big decision... I know that it involves you too." Santana kept her close and she kissed her softly. "I'm just not sure what I want anymore."
"Okay," Rachel nodded, reaching down to tug the blanket over their still slightly trembling bodies. "I just... I really like you, Santana. You. All of you." She snuggled close, pressing her lips to the crook of her lover's neck, "I don't want you to hurt anymore, beautiful..."
"I don't know how not to hurt." she ran her fingers through Rachel's hair. "I really... like you. I've never felt like this before, about anyone."
Rachel smiled softly, rolling slightly off Santana to nestle beside her, the swell of her belly pressing into her lover's side and her head resting on the other girl's shoulder as she let her arm gently drape over Santana's body. "I've never felt like this either, Santana, but I like it. I don't want this with anyone else..." She gently pressed a kiss to the top of one of Santana's breasts, "I don't want to be with anyone else like this. Surgery or not... you're who I want to lay with like this..."
Santana nodded and cuddled into Rachel, her fingers resting on the bump. "I think that I could handle that." she whispered, her head hurt from the stress of her wake up and she just laid with her and sighed. "I'm gonna sleep more.." she whispered as she closed her eyes tiredly.
"Okay," Rachel murmured softly, combing her fingers through dark hair, "I'll be here when you wake up." She leaned over and gently kissed Santana's forehead.
For a little while, she just laid there, content to watch her lover sleep. Slowly though, the weariness not quite worn away by her restless sleep overtook her. Her eyes drifted slowly closed until she was sleeping peacefully snuggled against the woman she cared for. The little family slept peacefully, ignoring the sun rising higher in the sky calling people to church on a sleepy Sunday.