I Know You Want Me - Chapter Fourteen
Title: I Know You Want Me
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: 71,059
Spoilers: This is AU. No Beth. No Lucy. Puck/Rachel lasted for a few months instead of a week and Jesse is a bigger ass than canon. Also Santana's promiscuity implied in the canon is not in effect for this fic for reasons that will be made evident.
Pairing: Rachel/Santana, Puck/Quinn
Summary: Rachel's longed after someone since the first day they met, but will a big secret bring them together or destroy them?
Warnings (highlight to read): Gender Identity Disorder, pregnancy, angst, topping, language, voyeurism, dub-con, non-con, anal, oral, vaginal, public, fisting, size-kink, and talk of self harm
Chapter Fourteen
"Here you go." Santana said as she walked into the living room and plopped a Styrofoam container on the large stomach of the girl sitting on the couch.
Rachel was nearly full term, it was surprising to say the least that they had managed to be together for the better part of six months without too many people having an issue or even caring. Quinn and Puck had been a big help in maintain their stability as a couple; when Santana got scared or too in her head Quinn took her off and spent a day doing girly cheerleader things together and when Rachel started to pull away from Santana and get worried about her girlfriend's body image, Puck came over and took her to temple or out to movies.
"I got you that weird vegan stuff the Chinese place makes." She made a face as she plopped down next to her, she put down her own bowl that was filled with steaming broth with vegetables and chicken, she dumped a package of soya sauce, hot sauce and lime juice into the bowl. "I also grabbed the mail from your mailbox on my way back..." She said after she finished preparing her food. "Mmm. Fuck yeah Pho is the best thing ever." She smiled as she took a spoonful.
Rachel reached over and lightly tapped Santana's wrist with her fork. "Language, Santana. Thank you for lunch. I appreciate it." She adjusted herself up with a bit of effort and opened the container with a pleased sigh as the scent teased her nose. "You picked up the mail? What sort of things arrived?" She took up a forkful of food and blew on it before eating it, watching Santana curiously.
"Some large manila envelopes." She said softly, kinda scared to even look at the addresses of the things in the packages. "I think they're from colleges." She said as she ate some of the hot broth in the bowl. She had received several of her own but was waiting for Rachel to get hers before she opened them.
Rachel liked her lips. "From the colleges I applied to?" she asked softly, nibbling at her food. "Did... did you receive your responses yet?"
"Yeah. A week or two ago, I wanted to wait till you got yours." Santana shrugged as she continued eating, her eyes fixated on the television in front of them.
"Santana, how could you keep that from me?" Rachel looked at her girlfriend in shock, "Do you realize how much I've been stressing waiting to hear if you'd been accepted or not?" Tears were trickling down her cheeks though she wasn't very upset, her hormones getting the better of her. "It's bad enough I've had to worry about whether or not I'd be accepted, but you could have let me stop worrying about you too!"
"Woman!" Santana said seriously, "You're gonna calm the crying once my baby's out of you right? Cause you're only getting a free pass right now." She raised her eyebrow, "Secondly, I didn't even look at them I wanted to wait and we could do it together. But damn if you wanted me to go ahead and look at them I would have." She got up and went to the drawer in the TV unit and took out five envelopes and brought them over and put hers down and grabbed Rachel's. "Here."
I'm sorry," Rachel huffed, wiping at her eyes, "I don't mean to cry so much. It's just everything seems so...so overwhelming lately that I can't help it."
She set her food aside and wiggled until she was sitting cross-legged on the sofa and accepted the envelopes. She looked up at Santana from the envelopes and smiled with such hope and brightness. "Thank you for waiting. Now that I think about it, that seems a far better option and I don't know if I'd have had the patience to wait for my letters to arrive as well."
Santana just shrugged, "I've had other things on my mind." She said honestly, she turned back to her soup and ate it without even thinking about her letters for a second moment.
Rachel watched Santana for a moment then carefully set the letters aside and picked her food back up. She ate carefully, occasionally glancing at her girlfriend but doing her best to ignore the letters. After a while though, her food nearly finished, she couldn't restrain herself any further.
"I hope we get accepted together," her voice was shy, "I... I don't want to go somewhere you're not."
"If I didn't get in somewhere you wanna go... we'll go and then I'll apply in the spring." Santana said simply. She could feel how antsy the girl to her right was and she sighed putting down her soup. "Alright. Let's do this before you pass out from excitement."
Rachel looked up hopefully. "Really?" She all but wiggled with excitement, setting her food aside and clapping her hands, "We can look at them now?"
"And Santana, if I don't get in somewhere you would really like to go, I could always reapply in the spring as well." She leaned over as best she could and kissed Santana, "I want you to be happy as possible, Santana."
"You'll get in everywhere." Santana said, "Where did you get letters from?" She asked as she looked through her own envelopes.
Rachel sorted through the envelopes in her lap, "New York, UCLA, Penn State, the University of Michigan and New Orleans. you?"
"Mmm. Seattle University, Penn state, Columbia, Berkley, and New Orleans too." She said as she flipped through the papers and read off the headings. "I probably got rejected from all of them."
"Hardly," Rachel scoffed, "I've seen your grades, remember. You're in the top five percent of the school. Your grades and extracurriculars are top notch." She stared at the envelopes in her hands for a moment, then handed them to Santana, "Could... Do you think you could see for me? I'll read yours if you want..."
"Yeah. I can do that." Santana handed hers over and took the ones that rachel offered to her. "How do you want to do this? One for one? Or at the same time?" She asked, looking down at the stack of papers.
"One for one I think." Rachel smiled nervously, "I don't think I'd get through it if we did them all at once. You...you can go first."
Santana nodded and picked up the first of the pile. She carefully took the paper and tore the top open. She scanned the words. "It's UCLA." She said, her eyes reading slowly. "Sorry, Rae." She said as she slid the paper back into the envelope. "You got wait-listed for UCLA."
Rachel nodded, looking slightly disappointed as she picked up the top envelope for Santana and tore it open, scanning the letter. "It's from Berkley." She continued reading with a slowly growing bright smile, "We're pleased to announce you've been accepted... Santana, you got in!"
"Cool." Santana smiled bashfully as she looked down at the next one. "Ooh Penn State. Good school," Santana remarked as she opened it and looked down with a smile. "You got into Penn, good job." She leaned over and kissed Rachel quickly. "Proud of you."
"I'm proud of you, Santana." Rachel smiled before turning to the next envelope in her stack. "Penn State," she shot Santana a hopeful smile before reading, her smile slowly falling, "You didn't get in. I'm sorry, beautiful."
She shrugged, "I don't really care that much. My dad wanted me to go because they have a good trans medical program at one of the hospitals near by." Santana rolled her eyes. "Okay next is U of M." She looked down and read the papers. "You got in, you're a rock star." She smiled as she put it on the growing pile of acceptance. "Only two more."
"I'm not," Rachel smiled shyly, "but thank you. Ooh," she held up the next envelope, "Columbia! Impressive, Santana." She tore open the envelope, but sighed softly, "Wait listed, I'm sorry."
Santana looked dejected for a moment before hiding it with a slight shrug. She really wanted to get into Colombia. She sighed softly as she looked at the folder. "NYU..." She tore into it and looked at the paper then looked up at Rachel's hopeful face. "Um. Rachel..."
"Well? What does it say?" Rachel tried to hold onto her hopefulness that she got into the prestigious college, but it became more difficult as the Santana's hesitation lingered. "I'm all for dramatic build-up," she smiled weakly, "but this is getting a little ridiculous don't you think?"
"I'm sorry.." She said softly, "You didn't get into the theatre program." She looked down like the diva's world would crash now that she didn't get though to the program she had wanted for years.
Rachel closed her eyes, swallowing softly for a moment before letting her breath out slowly and opening them with a soft smile at Santana. "It's okay," she ran a hand lightly over her stomach, feeling their baby move inside, "I find I have more important things in my life than New York these days." She picked up another envelope. "Seattle." She tore it open and quickly scanned the contents, sighing softly, "I'm sorry, Santana..."
"Fuck." Santana hissed under her breath. "I'm failing all over the place." She sighed and ran her fingers through her hair, "I guess applying to a Catholic university as what I am was a bad idea..." She sighed and picked up the last one. "Looks like University of New Orleans." She sighed and ripped open the envelope. "Damn Berry." She smiled, "They want you so bad they wanna give you a bunch of money towards it." She smiled, "You're a superstar."
"A scholarship?" Rachel looked surprised, smiling confusedly as she picked up the last envelope for Santana. "Let's see what New Orleans has to say about you then." She opened the envelope slowly, her heart beating faster and the baby practically doing somersaults in her womb as it picked up on its mother's anxiety. She desperately wanted Santana to get into a school with her.
Her hands trembled slightly as she pulled the letter out of the envelope. "To Santana Lopez," she murmured, "Thank you for your consideration of our institution..." She trailed off, her eyes growing wide and jaw dropping as she read further. "You got in," her voice was barely a whisper, "Santana, you got in!" She was smiling brightly as she flung herself awkwardly to wrap her arms around her girlfriend's neck and kiss her cheek, "You got in!"
Santana let out a grunt when tackled by her girlfriend. "You are squishing the mini-Lopez in there!" She protested as she laid down and settled Rachel to straddle her waist. "So. New Orleans or we go to one of your schools." Santana said softly as she drew patterns onto the girl's stomach.
"New Orleans," Rachel didn't even have to think about it. "The scholarship will help and I don't want to attend a school you can't attend as well. Plus, with the music scene in New Orleans we could possibly get work as singers. Besides," she hugged Santana tightly, "I don't want to live anywhere I can't acknowledge you as the other parent of our child."
"What if UCLA comes back and says your in?" She asked. Santana wanted to go to New Orleans, she wanted to go somewhere that she wouldn't be a minority anymore, somewhere that had a relatively large gay scene that might accept them and she knew the it had a hospital that was one of the leading in the country for people like her. She wanted to go where they could both go to school, even it if was part time. "Quinn told me she got into UNO too, Sue pulled strings or something..."
"UCLA lost their chance when they wait listed me." Rachel looked determined, "New Orleans. It's a good school. Daddy went there and they have excellent hospitals and a good cultural scene. And you're accepted there too so I won't be completely alone." She looked shy, "It's better and...and you said Quinn was accepted too? That's even better, right?"
"Of course." Santana assured her, "It's a really good school. My dad will be happy we're both down there. He's worried about my medical stuff and of course after the baby's born he won't worry as much once he gets to hold his grandbaby." Santana smiled and hands still on Rachel's stomach. "I mean it can't suck too much down there, Quinn might go to Miami or stay in Ohio... who knows."
When Santana mentioned her father holding the baby, Rachel found herself thinking about that very thing. "Santana, do," she trailed off, gathering her thoughts as her fingers played over Santana's hands, tracing tiny patterns on the backs, "I know we've talked about leaving right after graduation, but... Do you want to stay here until the baby's born?"
"The baby is due like three days after we graduate..." Santana pointed out, "My dad said that he'd like to deliver the baby... I want him to be able to see his grandkid. I know Lima sucks ass but, I want to have the baby when he's around. If we can convince him to come to New Orleans then I'd be more than happy with that too."
"Whatever you want to do," Rachel smiled as brightly as she could, trying not to think about how her fathers wouldn't have that chance. How she was planning on stealing away and not even telling them she was having a child to avoid them trying to convince her to give the baby up for adoption. "Whatever you want. You've been more than good to me, Santana. I'll do anything for you."
"I know... But we can think about it. Having the baby here would be a bad idea. Puck doesn't look like me. No one would believe he's the dad."
"Never mind about everyone else," Rachel reached out to stroke her fingers through Santana's hair, "once we leave, we're never coming back, right? We can go to the hospital near your father's clinic and leave as soon as the baby's old enough to travel. It... It may be more difficult moving after the birth, but given the circumstances, we don't have much choice if we wish to graduate high school."
"Yeah." Santana sighed. "I'll start looking for a place to live. I have some money saved we can use..." she stated. The money saved was the money she was going to use to get her operation, but Santana had decided that more so out of need to protect her child, she'd use the money for her family.
"I have money too," Rachel offered shyly, "My college fund was saved with NYU in mind and my research indicates that attending the University of New Orleans is significantly cheaper, so there should be more than sufficient remaining for other costs."
"It's fine. I have roughly about 15,000 dollars." she turned her head and looked away. "Don't waste your money on that okay?"
Rachel frowned, "How is it wasting my money using it to help house and support my family? My fathers having been saving since I was a baby and the money is in my name as of my eighteenth birthday. Plus I've been saving much of my allowance as I could by living as frugally as possible for the last few years... I can help, Santana."
"Just pay for your school, please this money has to go to something worthwhile. Please," Santana pleaded, she knew if she held onto the money that she'd get the surgery, but if she used it to provide for her family, she could live with that and be happy.
"Are you sure?" Rachel looked uncertain and unhappy, "Are you sure I can't help?" She chewed her lip and looked away, feeling unpleasantly like a burden. "I can't do anything to help?" she whispered, her shoulders slumping.
"You're having the baby," Santana said softly, "I can't ask for any more than that. I'm sure we'll need money at some point, but please let me use this money."
"I'm not asking you to ask for more," Rachel sighed, her fingers fidgeting with Santana's shirt, "I just want to know I can help. I want to help support us too. I don't want you to have to do everything. You already do so much..."
"It's just a house or an apartment. It's fine, Rachel. It's my job okay? Let me do this." her fingers massaged small circles into Rachel's hip as she spoke. "I was gonna use the money for my operation but I'm not now."
Rachel froze, "Y-you're not?" She didn't want to look or sound hopeful, but she was afraid it was trickling into her voice and facial expression. She was serious about wanting to support Santana no matter what her decision was, but she couldn't help the little thrill of hope that they could still be together completely. "But... but I thought you wanted," she shrugged, "to be more... you know."
"No matter what my body won't match my mind." Santana sighed, "I can't ever be a fully functional woman and I can't figure out how to become that I don't wanna be half a person. I don't want to be like this but I really don't want to be half a person."
"You're a whole person to me," Rachel leaned down awkwardly and brushed her lips against Santana's, "a whole, beautiful woman. And no matter what - surgery or not - you will always be that to me and to our child."
"Okay," Santana whispered, still very unsure about a decision she made just hours before. "I'll try to believe you."
"And I'll do my very best to show you," Rachel smiled warmly, gently stroking her face, "every day. You're my girlfriend, Santana. No matter how you're shaped. You're going to be a mother to this child. I don't care what anyone else says or thinks. I know the truth and that's all I care about."
"Okay," Santana whispered, looking vulnerable. "I know it's stupid. I know I should think like you, but I can't. It's hard sometimes." she sighed and rested her head on the baby bump. "I'll be better."
"It's not stupid," Rachel murmured, combing her fingers through Santana's hair, "Maybe I can't really imagine how you must feel, but it's not stupid. But, Santana, that's why you have people like me around you. To remind you of the truth and give you a place where you're safe to be yourself." She smiled softly, shrugging, "I'd do anything to be able to give you that."
"You do. I never thought anyone would want me. That I'd end up being someone's sick fetish." she sighed and felt the baby kicking her head. "Hola, baby. I want you to come out whole, okay? If you don't, I'll still protect you from the world. So will your mommy. Te amo, little one." she spoke softly.
Rachel just watched her girlfriend talk to their baby and continued gently stroking her hair. She felt content in that moment, like everything was going to be alright. For that moment, she could almost pretend that she hadn't forced herself on Santana, that they were together out of mutual regard and feelings instead of necessity. She could almost pretend that they were happy and in love.
She leaned down awkwardly and kissed the top of Santana's head. She didn't care if how she felt was one-sided. She'd stay with Santana as long as she was allowed. "You're going to be an amazing mother," she whispered against dark hair, "I can't wait to see you holding them."
Santana smiled. "I think it's a boy." Santana stated as she continued to nuzzle her child. "My dad did the ultrasound and I thought I saw little boy parts on the last one."
"Did you now?" Rachel teased, "I think you just want a son so you can teach him how to make all the little girls fall for him."
"This is true," she smiled, "but I can do that with a girl too."
Rachel laughed, enjoying the playfulness of the moment, "And what if they prefer partners of the male persuasion? Do your Casanova ways also bring the boys into your sway?"
"I had all the boys wanting me, I'm a Cheerio." she smirked as she nipped at Rachel's nipple through her shirt.
Rachel jerked back from the playful nip with a laugh, "None of that unless you intend to follow through. It's bad enough my hormones seem determined to keep me in a state of near permanent arousal without you making it even worse," she wrinkled her nose at her girlfriend as she grinned, "And everyone wants you, do they? I suppose I should watch my back then."
"Truth, though only you get me."
She looked at her girlfriend curiously, a shy smile on her lips, "Do I? Get you? I know, I'm being silly... I just," she sighed softly, "I've wanted you for so long that it still seems almost surreal sometimes that this time I get to be the one who gets the girl..."
"You get me," Santana whispered as she looked at the pregnant woman. "I lo.. Care about you do much."
"I care about you too," Rachel smiled softly and leaned in to kiss Santana, laughing when her belly stopped her, the baby kicking excitedly, causing her to wince, "Except I think our little one seems to think they come first."
"Our baby is awesome." she smiled and ran her fingers over the swell. "I think he knows how loved he is."
"He is, but he's also very excited," Rachel tried smiling through the winces caused by the vigorous kicking, as she went along with her girlfriend's assumption of their child's gender, "Could you tell your child to calm down and please stop kicking his mommy in the bladder?"
Santana leaned closer and pushed up the girls shirt and kissed the warm skin. "Mijo," she began, continuing to speak in Spanish until the baby settled down. "Good baby." she smiled and pressed kisses to the hard belly.
Rachel rolled her eyes but smiled fondly, gently rubbing Santana's neck, "Oh wonderful. He's being pre-culturalized to respond to Spanish. Don't make me teach our baby Hebrew in self-defense," she teased, "because I will!"
"I think that would be nice." she smiled, "He'd be hella smart then. He's going to be so smart already and if he's tri-lingual all the better."
"Are we raising him Jewish?" Rachel looked slightly confused, "Santana, you're Catholic, I would have thought you'd want to raise your child in your faith."
"He can be both." Santana shrugged, "I read that he's a Jew via birth so might as well raise him in two religions." Santana reasoned as she spoke, "I don't hold much to my religion besides holidays. We can raise him to understand both."
Rachel smiled slowly as what Santana was saying sank in. "Like me," she whispered, managing to bend over enough to kiss Santana softly, "I like that idea, Santana. Thank you."
"I mean, he has two parents. It's cool." Santana shrugged and laid down flat. "As long as the baby is happy, I'm cool."
Rachel moved so she wasn't squishing her lover, sitting down at the end of the sofa where she could watch Santana. "As long as you and the baby are happy, then I'm happy," she murmured, cradling her belly as she leaned back against the arm of the sofa. "That's all I want. I want you and our baby to be happy. Everything else is secondary."
"I'm trying. I'm trying to be happy," she said sitting up and looking at the girl. "I do think you make me better than I ever have been."
"I'm glad," Rachel whispered with a shy smile, "I just... I messed things up so much in the beginning with stupid assumptions about what you wanted and I did awful things." She bit her lip, "I wish I could take them back. I wish I could have done it right. But... I'm happier than I've been in a long time with where we are now, so no matter how awful I was to you, I'm having a terribly difficult time regretting any of it."
"I didn't treat you great ether... Look, we both fucked up. We both used each other and I'll take responsibility for that. " Santana sighed, "I also should have worn a condom, or asked if you were on birth control or told you I was a guy and not intersexed."
"And I shouldn't have forced myself on you," Rachel said it like she was pointing out a fact. "I don't want anyone to do that to our child, I wouldn't want someone to have done it to me, and I never should have done it to you. But," she took a deep breath and smiled shyly, "I'm still the happiest I've been in years and if doing something different would mean that I couldn't be here with you," she shrugged one shoulder, shaking her head, "then if I had it to do all over, I'd do everything the same. Because you're the one I want to be with."
Santana shot Rachel a look, "We should never tell anyone how we got together..."
Rachel snorted slightly, "Yes, I rather doubt that most people would consider it very romantic that your girlfriend forced herself on you in an entirely misguided attempt to initiate a romantic relationship." She grinned wryly, "Why not just tell anyone who asks that we met in high school and let them make their own story?"
"Works for me," Santana smiled.
The other girl leaned her head on Santana's shoulder, "Two messed up people doing their best to make one normal life and child? I can live with that as long as you're willing to." She laid her hand on Santana's thigh, palm up so Santana could take it if she wanted to, her eyes falling closed.
Santana intertwined their fingers. "Te amo," she whispered in the girl's hair as she snuggled with her sleeping girlfriend.