I Know You Want Me - Chapter Seventeen
Title: I Know You Want Me
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: 86,307
Spoilers: This is AU. No Beth. No Lucy. Puck/Rachel lasted for a few months instead of a week and Jesse is a bigger ass than canon. Also Santana's promiscuity implied in the canon is not in effect for this fic for reasons that will be made evident.
Pairing: Rachel/Santana, Puck/Quinn
Summary: Rachel's longed after someone since the first day they met, but will a big secret bring them together or destroy them?
Warnings (highlight to read): Gender Identity Disorder, pregnancy, angst, topping, language, voyeurism, dub-con, non-con, anal, oral, vaginal, public, fisting, size-kink, and talk of self harm
Chapter 17
Santana leaned her forehead against the window of the nursery. There were about a dozen little cotton wrapped bundles of pink and blue laying swaddled in their tiny beds. She stood in front of one bassinet in particular. Her son. Aaron Julian Lopez. Rachel had signed the birth certificate with the baby's last name as Lopez. The little boy yawned without a care in the world. Rachel was sleeping after getting a check up from the nurses and a less than restful night's sleep, so Santana stayed with their son. She didn't want him to be alone, she never wanted him to feel alone or lonely.
After a indeterminable amount of time rolled past a hand came and rested on her shoulder. Santana looked behind her and smiled tiredly, "You did good, mija." Miguel whispered, his eyes sweeping around the nursery. "Which one is Aaron?"
"Daddy, there are fifteen infants in there. Fourteen of them are gross and red looking... guess which one is your grandson?" She rolled her eyes knowing full well that her father knew that the boy in front of them was hers.
"The handsome little brown one right there... He's a Lopez. He's so beautiful, Santana." He smiled as he squeezed her shoulder, "I'm so proud of you."
"Even though your trans daughter impregnated another girl at seventeen?" She whispered, looking down at her feet.
"You are my daughter. Yes, you made a mistake by engaging in sexual activity without being protected... but I doubt either of you knew this would happen. But, honestly, Santana. This boy? He's a miracle... you've been on hormones long enough - low doses but it should have left you sterilized. You have a beautiful boy, Santana, you have a girl who loves you and this boy? This boy is every bit as beautiful as you were as a baby and I think you did good."
"Thanks, daddy," Santana whispered as she blinked away tears.
Sue stepped up behind her former Cheerio and peered through the security glass surrounding the nursery. Almost as if guided by the same guidance systems programmed into the most elite ICBM missiles, her gaze zoomed directly to the smallest child in the room. A slight twitch of her lips that could almost be categorized as a smile appeared on her face as she dropped a hand on the younger woman's shoulder.
"I'm impressed. You do good work, Lopez. That child of yours doesn't appear as if it would ever burn my retinas with the terrifying levels of ugly most children possess. Congratulations."
"Uh... What." Santana stuttered, she was more than shocked to see her former coach at the hospital. "My... What?" She looked up with a panicked glare.
"Your boy there. I admit to a certain amount of admiration at your ability to impregnate Streisand, but good work, nonetheless." She cocked a brow at the glare being directed her way. "Don't look at me like that. You were one of my girls for the entirety of your high school incarceration. I highly doubt my possession of any information truly surprises you."
"I... Puck... baby...." she looked down, "you don't know shit." she whispered, her voice breaking with emotion.
Sue frowned, "Don't treat me like I'm an idiot, Lopez. My ninja spies informed me of your unique situation years ago. I was impressed by your ability to disguise yourself so completely and decided to allow it as a worthy skill in one of my best Cheerios. An entirely suitable skill set as one of my permeate proteges." Again the slight quirk that could almost be a smile, "And now, despite your foray into the realms of the Sapphic Sisterhood, you have still managed to succeed in passing your genetic excellence to the next generation."
Santana leaned her back against the window, "I'm so confused right now." She whispered as she looked down to the ground. "No one knows but my dad, my mom, Puck and Q and Rachel... how do you know?" She worried her lip between her teeth and scuffed her converse against the ground.
"Clean your ears out, S!" She barked, "Ninja spies. I just told you. That and an extensive camera system throughout the school. You and the loud-mouthed diva's exploits should be used as an example of how the act of procreation should be carried out. I was at once appalled and intrigued. Your manner of sexual dominance should be applauded."
"This is not happening!" Santana groaned and put her head into her hands. "That's disgusting and illegal!." she shuddered at the thought of Sue watching her and Rachel have sex. "Creepy perverted..." Santana rambled off into a monologue of Spanish as she paced back and forth. "Who the fuck watches their students fuck!"
"Better question, Lopez. Who fornicates in public and expects to not be caught? It's hardly illegal to have cameras in classrooms and storage closets," her lip curled, "which seem to be your dens of vice of choice. Perhaps your perverted teacher's greasy hair somehow rubbed off on you and killed your brain cells, but if you want privacy, I would recommend somewhere not in a public school of which you are a student."
"Was a student." She corrected the taller woman. Santana sighed, and ran her fingers through her hair. "Whatever...it's done... we're outta here as soon as we can travel with the baby." Santana looked down and scuffed her shoes once more before she looked up. "I can't believe I have a kid." she whispered as she looked into the eyes of her mentor. "I can't believe it."
Sue's lips quirked again. "You're one of my girls, Lopez. I have no doubt that you and Streisand are going to be perfectly adequate parents. You had best make me proud in New Orleans. I'm expecting to hear annoyingly good news out of you and your hobbit like girlfriend."
The younger woman smiled softly and nodded, "I will, mostly because I know you'll be creepy and pop up in my house screaming at me through a bullhorn if I don't..." Santana smirked as she looked back to her boy, "He's amazing. For the first time ever I don't feel out of place; like I don't belong. Almost like I'm whole again." She whispered, her eyes locked on her boy as the nurse changed him and re-wrapped him in a blanket.
"No one's whole, kid." Sue pointed out, nodding at the nurse who looked afraid enough at seeing the coach to be a former Cheerio, "We're like broken open puzzle boxes where half the pieces are missing. It's just a matter of finding the people whose puzzles fit your puzzle. This is one of the few areas in which I can't claim expertise, but it seems to me that you found a couple puzzles that fit you pretty good."
The nurse came out of the nursery with Aaron in her arms. "San..." Angela butted in to the conversation, "I think that he's hungry and you should take him into Rachel so she can feed him." Santana took her son onto her arms and smiled and held him closely.
"You're right, Sue." the new mother stated as she began walking away from her coach, "I found the missing pieces."
"Enjoy living in sin with your baby's momma, Lopez. It's a good thing you're leaving the state cause as soon as I'm elected governor, I'm pushing for laws to outlaw that sort of moral ambiguity!" Sue gave another glare at the poor nurse in the nursery before striding off down the hall the opposite way from Santana and her baby boy.
Santana closed the door to the room where Rachel was sleeping, she carefully moved closer to the bed and smiled. "So beautiful," Santana whispered. She didn't want to wake Rachel up, but she knew the boy needed to eat, so she carefully unfastened the girl's gown and tried to get the boy to latch on.
"Come on, Aaron." She whispered, "Please just eat."
Rachel stirred, her arms rising instinctively to cradle her son at the awkward pawing at her chest. "Hmm?" she muttered, barely awake, "What's wrong?"
"He's just hungry, baby." Santana whispered and pressed a kiss to Rachel's head. When she realized that he wasn't getting a hang of it, Santana sighed. She had heard that babies sometimes had issues getting the flow going listening to people talk around her father's clinic so she quickly leaned down and wrapped her lips around Rachel's nipple and sucked until she was able to kick start the flow. She quickly pulled away and got Aaron feeding.
"S-Santana, what," Rachel woke the rest of the way with a surprised gasp, "what are you doing?" She looked around the room, anxious to ensure no one had witnessed her girlfriend's behavior as she held her son to her breast and tried to sit up so he could feed properly. Her cheeks were tinged red with an embarrassed blush as she struggled with the bed controls, trying to rise up.
When Rachel was settled, Santana sat down and shrugged, "Read in a book that newborns don't have great sucking yet so if a mother hasn't fed in awhile it might be hard for him to get milk." she explained like it was the most common thing in the world.
"Yes, but," Rachel sputtered, flustered, "but we're in public and I was lying down, and...and...you sucking on my breasts does not induce a motherly affection, Santana!"
The darker girl rolled her eyes and shrugged again. "Not to offend, but you and your sexy thoughts are why we have a little baby now, so calm your tits and let the baby eat." She moved to snuggle in beside Rachel and watch AJ eat.
Rachel gave out a flustered huff and tried to shift AJ to her other breast. "I fully admit to being at fault, but I find that our son makes my poor decisions regarding the unfortunate manner of our relationship's beginning worth it. However, not to offend you, but right now I don't know if I ever want to have sex again." She squirmed slightly, the ache between her thighs from her healing flesh not remotely comfortable. "This is not a pain I ever wish to experience again."
"Damn you mean that I kept my dick for nothing?" Santana asked as she attempted a joke on her own expense. She kissed Rachel's cheek, "I doubt you'll every be in the position of doing this again," She ran her fingers over AJ's hat and smiled, "Though I will make fun of you the minute you're begging me to make you come."
"Don't joke so," Rachel pouted, "the sensations currently occurring between my legs I would not wish upon my worst enemy." She looked thoughtful for a moment, "Though perhaps Finn could use the experience as a learning moment of sorts..."
"You are not allowed near anyone's junk regions... ever... but mine," she cut in quickly. Santana rested her hand on Rachel's now flatter stomach and sat contently for a moment. "I'm sorry you're in so much pain. I wish I could help or make it stop."
"I just meant that I wish he could feel this bad," Rachel chuckled softly, reaching over to comb her fingers through Santana's hair as they watched their child nurse. "I know, but getting to hold our son, getting to see you with him..." She looked up at Santana with a tired but heartfelt smile, "I would do it all again."
Her smile became slightly hesitant and her voice softened, but she kept her eyes locked with Santana's as she spoke. "I love you, Santana Lopez. I think perhaps I fell for you when you saved me in fifth grade. And...no matter what happens, I," she licked her lips, trying to ignore how fast her heart was racing, "I wanted you to know that."
"I love you too." Santana replied softly, "I want you to know that too. I'm also never gonna leave you or Aaron." She punctuated her statement with the thing she knew Rachel was scared of. "I'll take care of both of you until I die."
For a moment, Rachel felt like her heart stopped. She just stared at Santana, looking more than a little shocked. "You...you love me?" she whispered, her voice soft and uncertain, "Really? Me? Not...it's not just because of Aaron, is it?" She shook her head with an insecure smile, brushing fingers gently over his hair, "Because you...you don't have to say that just for him or...or because I told you how I feel. I won't leave if you don't. I promise. Just...don't say it unless it's really true." Her bottom lip trembled slightly as the hormones still flooding her system from the pregnancy combined to make things feel even more intense, her voice barely audible as her eyes searched Santana's. "I couldn't bear it if you said it and it wasn't true…"
"I've said it like 5 times now," Santana pouted, "Granted you slept through the first couple and they were in Spanish..." her hand coming up to tangle with Rachel's. "No one has ever just accepted me. Treated me like I'm normal... I love that, it made me fall in love with you."
"Treat you like...?" Rachel looked confused, "Santana, you are normal. You're healthy, you're sane, an athlete and incredibly beautiful and popular..." she shrugged trailing off as she shifted their son as he finished eating, "You're the most normal girl I know."
Santana took the boy when Rachel handed him off to her and patted his back softly, "Yeah." she replied, she sighed and moved Aaron down to cradle him. "My dad says we can drive down to NOLA in a couple weeks..."
Rachel wasn't looking forward to the stress of a long road trip with an infant, but she still smiled at Santana. "That sounds wonderful. I can't wait to see the home you found for us, though I still wish I could contribute something to our domicile. I just," she appeared wistful, "I just feel like I'm...freeloading all the time. Like it's your home or your father's home. I," she shrugged, trying to make it less of a big deal, "never mind. Hormones. I've probably been raving irrationally the last few months, haven't I?" She tried a sheepish smile, hoping she'd get away with it.
"First, it's our home." Santana explained, "You picked out all the stuff that will be in the place, it's our home for our family." she was trying to make Rachel understand that it was a shared home. "You gave me a son and the best I can give you back is a place we can raise him in."
"Our home," Rachel whispered with a weak smile, "right."
She didn't feel like she belonged there, in a place Santana had paid for entirely by herself. Where she hadn't contributed anything. It didn't feel like her home. Yes, she'd given birth to their son, but that didn't feel like a worthy balance to everything Santana was doing for them. Especially not after how she had forced herself on her girlfriend to cause this whole situation in the first place. She felt miserable and undeserving of everything Santana was giving her, especially her love, but she was doing her best to hide it.
Santana sighed. "I don't understand why your being like this..." She was frustrated and Rachel's lack of communication was getting to her, "If you don't want to move we don't have to. You can still get in at a different school..."
"No," Rachel shook her head. "That's not it at all. I want to move. I want to live with you. I just," she sighed, frustrated at her lack of ability to properly explain how she felt, "I want to help. I just feel so... so useless."
"You're not useless. Okay? Look, just cause I paid up front doesn't mean I'll never need you to help. I had the money and if you were to do it, you'd have to tell your parents why you needed that much cash! I've gathered the impression you don't want them to know..."
"It's my money," she whispered, shrugging, "It became mine in December when I turned eighteen and it's not that I don't want them to know but that I'm afraid if they do they'll try to push me to give him up and I never want to do that. I don't ever want to make him feel like I did growing up knowing his mom gave him up. It's," she glanced up with a little smile, "it's probably just hormones, Santana. I've spent the last few months with my life revolving around this little one growing inside of me," she stroked her fingers over his tiny head as Santana's held him, "and now he's born and everything just feels... wrong and I don't know how to deal with it. I'm sorry."
Santana sighed, she had no idea what to do. "Okay," she licked her lips and fixed her gaze onto the child. "Maybe... Maybe you and Aaron should figure out what you want," she whispered, not understanding if everything was her fault or not. "Maybe you... I don't know. You're not happy living with my dad and I - I'm not blind I can see that - so maybe you are just unhappy with me."
Rachel looked shocked. The idea of not wanting to be with Santana having not crossed her mind. "W-what?" she stammered, paling, "No! No, that's not... No! Santana, I want to be with you!" One of her hands wrapped around Santana's arm as if she was afraid she'd get up and walk away right then, "I'm happy with you, I am. I just," she blinked quickly, trying to keep the tears back that seemed determined to come. "I don't feel like I'm doing enough to deserve you," she slumped, her grip loosening slightly, "not after all I've done..."
"I'm the one who got you pregnant. It's my fault so please for the love of God do not do this to yourself or us," She hissed, mildly annoyed that Rachel was still talking about this. "I participated. I willingly had sex with you no matter how it started. We couldn't have hooked up without my dick being hard, so I doubt it's that big of a deal so just fucking drop it."
Rachel barely resisted flinching back from the harsh tone, instead nodding quickly. "Okay. I'm sorry." Her eyes were watering and she couldn't seem to stop it, "I'm sorry... please don't be mad. Please don't..."
"I'm not mad, I'm just not understanding," Santana sighed and she got off the bed and slid into the chair that was closest to the bed. She gently bounced the whimpering boy in her arms to get him to stop crying, whispering to him, "I'm sorry, baby. I'm sorry."
Rachel tried wiping away the tears trickling down her cheeks, but she couldn't seem to stop crying. She hated how confused and emotional everything seemed now. It felt like she wasn't in control of her own emotions any longer and it frustrated her as did the sense of missing something. She didn't know how to explain how she was feeling to Santana no matter how much she wanted to.
"I'm sorry," she sniffled, "I don't mean to be this way..."
"Don't worry about it. You're tired," She sighed, moving to hand the baby back to Rachel when he fell asleep. "Just try to rest okay?"
"Okay," Rachel nodded, sniffling as she cuddled their son. "I love you, Santana. I love our child. I want to live with you in our home. I do. I just... I don't know. I feel so strange. Please don't be upset with me..."
"I'm not upset," Santana whispered as she pulled her knees to her chest. "I just don't understand..."
"Neither do I," Rachel whispered. "I know I want to be with you. Please believe that. Something just feels like it's missing... I don't know how to explain this, Santana."
"Well, the six pound baby you just popped out is one thing missing. But he's here in your arms."
"I know," Rachel sighed, rocking AJ gently. "It's an entirely strange feeling. Perhaps leaving this city will help?" She looked over at Santana hopefully, "Do you think it could? Getting away from this place to somewhere new where we don't have to hide as much?"
"Fuck, I hope so..." she sighed resting her chin on her knee. "It can't be any worse than here."
"Santana?" Rachel whispered, looking over at her girlfriend in the chair beside the bed, "Could you please sit with us? I'm sorry if I'm being overly clingy, but I would really like my," she glanced shyly at Santana, "family close right now."
Santana uncurled herself and moved to sit back on the bed. She didn't know what was wrong or how to fix it.
Rachel leaned against Santana with a quiet sigh, holding AJ so his other mother could reach him too. "Thank you. I apologize if I'm overly emotional right now. I can't seem to help it. But I feel a bit better when you're close. Like things are manageable..."
"We'll figure it out, I promise." Santana whispered, running her fingers over AJ's foot.
The tiny baby kicked out in his sleep, making Rachel smile. "As long as we can have moments like this, I can handle anything my unsettled emotional state can throw at me. We're going to be happy in New Orleans, Santana, because it's going to be our home." She turned her head to place a kiss at the corner of her girlfriend's jaw, "It'll be good to belong somewhere."
"Yeah," Santana said. She didn't want to admit it but she was scared to move away from her dad, her therapist and where she grew up. She was relieved that Quinn was coming with them, it made everything less scary for the moment.
"Your dad is going to come visit, right?" She sounded anxious, "I want Aaron to know his grandfather. Maybe," Rachel looked hopeful, "maybe my fathers will become adjusted in time and will want to know him too, but for now, I don't want him to not know your dad. It's important, Santana." She didn't at all want to admit she was afraid of completely cutting ties with the town she'd grown up in.
"He will," Santana whispered, "I think he will..." she played with the boy's toes as she spoke. "We'll have Quinn, so it will be kinda like having a family."
"Do you think Noah will join us?" She sounded shy and curious, "He seems quite enamored with Quinn and it will be good to have a positive male influence for our son around to help him with things that women wouldn't be able to properly address, don't you think? I know there were several occasions when I could have benefited from a female influence in my life growing up with two fathers."
"I think Quinn can't get rid of him that easy." she smiled and rested her head on Rachel's. "I think he'll come."
"Good," she teased, trying to ignore the heavy feeling inside of her as she wrapped an arm around Santana's waist and hugged her, "I need a friend to help me understand you."
"I am quite confusing." she sighed as she nuzzled Rachel's neck. "I don't even understand me."
"I think that maybe you're like me," Rachel whispered, moving to kiss Santana softly, "Lonely, doing your best to seem strong and driven, but just wanting someone to love you for being you. Does that sound right?"
"Yeah... It's a good thing we have each other then." she smiled softly. "I don't think that I could be this okay without you."
"I think maybe I could be okay without you," Rachel admitted quietly, "but I don't think I'd be happy." She adjusted AJ so he was nestled between them, "You, the two of you now... being with you makes me happy."
"I want you to be happy and never lonely." Santana whispered, "but I know I'll disappoint both of you at some point."
"Not if you stay and do the best you can." She sighed, nestling in next to her girlfriend's side, "I'm more afraid I'll disappoint you or somehow fail and mess up everything. All I have is my voice. What if it's not enough?"
"No matter what, we have a son who will love us even if we fail... But you are going to be a star. You're too talented to hide away."
"Thanks for believing in me," Rachel whispered, her eyes starting to close, "Not many people do."
"Rae? Everyone believes in your talent, even Quinn." she smiled, "You just don't believe in yourself, which I'll spend every day trying to change."
"Mmhmm," Rachel murmured, not really hearing Santana having drifted off with her head on her shoulder, comforted by the warmth and the reassuring scents of her lover and their child.
Santana just held the woman and their baby as she drifted off. She sighed. She knew this wouldn't be anything near easy, but she was willing to try to make it work.