I Know You Want Me - Chapter Twenty-Nine
Title: I Know You Want Me
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: 159,381
Spoilers: This is AU. No Beth. No Lucy. Puck/Rachel lasted for a few months instead of a week and Jesse is a bigger ass than canon. Also Santana's promiscuity implied in the canon is not in effect for this fic for reasons that will be made evident.
Pairing: Rachel/Santana, Puck/Quinn
Summary: Rachel's longed after someone since the first day they met, but will a big secret bring them together or destroy them?
Warnings (highlight to read): Gender Identity Disorder, pregnancy, angst, topping, language, voyeurism, dub-con, non-con, anal, oral, vaginal, public, fisting, size-kink, and talk of self harm
Chapter 29
It was the first week of the new semester. The holidays and break were over from University and Santana was taking the lightest full time course load she could manage, most of her classes being online versus having to go to into the campus as much as Rachel. She still needed to go for Cheerleading but that was mostly on weekend mornings.
Santana had decided to keep AJ with her while she and Andre stocked the bar early morning on the first Monday of classes. Rachel had left with a pout at leaving her son and fiance but headed to class with Quinn none the less before Santana bundled up her son and headed over to the bar. She had set him up in his bouncy chair near where she was stocking so she could sing softly to him and attend to him if he started complaining.
"Baby boy," she smiled as she looked over to him. He had a New York Mets' cap on his head and a black onsie overing his body and a pair of baby jeans, "you look so fly." She smiled and pulled his damp fist out of his mouth so she could put a new toy in his grasp.
"That's one cute boy you got there, Santana," Andre remarked with a smile as he hefted the last load of bottles in from the truck. Signing off on the delivery, he waved at the driver before she hopped back into the cab and pulled off.
"Yeah," she smiled up at him, "I think I'll keep him," She said standing up and cracking her back. She smoothed out her jeans and her old Cheerios' sweatshirt before helping pick up one of the leftover boxes and putting it up on the counter. "It was touch and go for awhile."
Andre laughed and reached down to pull a pair of bottles out of a box with each hand. "Isn't that the nature of kids? Say, Santana, would you mind me asking you a personal question? I don't mean any harm now. Just wondering."
"Uh... sure, I guess," she stumbled over her words, not normally liking where personal questions might lead. She pulled out two bottled and started stocking behind the bar as she waited for the conversation.
"Now, listen here, Santana. I like to think of you and your family as friends of mine. That ain't gonna change no matter what your answer is, got it?" He put a couple of boxes away before leaning on the counter and looking at Santana for a moment before asking. "Is that handsome little devil yours? Like really yours. It's pretty obvious he's Rachel's but I think he's yours too. Am I wrong?"
"He's my son... How could he not be mine? He has my last name and I'm on the birth certificate..." She trailed off, not really understanding what he was asking so she just played dumb.
Andre watched Santana for a moment before sighing. "Look, Santana, I'm not dumb or blind and that boy could have come out of your body he looks so much like you but I know damn well Rachel's his birth mom. If he is your son biologically, that's fine. It's no harm and he is a fine boy."
She looked down, trying to see if her tell was visible, or something. "We... we used a donor.. Someone.. who looks like me," she lied badly, not used to getting blindsided.
He sighed softly and stepped forward to rest s hand on Santana's shoulder. "You and I both know high school lesbians don't have the wherewithal to go buying donor sperm. Look, if you were born a guy, that is fine with me. I've got a couple friends who are just like that and they are the some of the finest women I know."
"I was NEVER a boy." She hissed pulling away like she was burned. "Never."
Andre winced, realizing how big a mistake he's made. "Look, Santana, I get that, but I don't know how to ask another way. I'm sorry for implying you're not a girl, when it's damn obvious to me that you are. I just want to know the truth so I can protect you if I need to. This place is a safe place, Santana, and I damn well intend to keep it that way and I just want to keep you and yours safe. Okay?"
"Fine. Good job, you figured out that I'm a freak," she hissed as she slammed some of the bottles down into their places. She was pissed, she didn't want anyone to know. It didn't matter how gay he was, she knew people still hated people like her and she didn't want her differences to get out. "I don't give a shit about your safe space... I'm not a documentary, I ain't Chaz Bono and I don't want anyone else knowing."
"Oh for God's sake, Santana!" Andre hissed putting things away himself, "You think I give a shit how you're built down below? You're the best damn woman I've ever worked with and if you could get your head out of your ass, I think you might make a damn good partner in this place someday if you want it. I want to know how hard I can lay the hammer down on the assholes who come in here if someone tries shit with you."
He slammed the fridge open and tossed her a beer. "Take a damn breath and realize I ain't attacking you for a moment. You're not the only person with a similar genetic quirk I know."
Santana just caught the beer and looked stunned, she popped the top of the glass bottle and took a long swig of it. She hopped up on the counter and looked at the bottle between her hands for a few silent minutes. "Sorry." She mumbled, "I... I just get mad for no reason."
"Yeah," Andre grabbed another bottle and jerked the top off before taking a swig, "I noticed. Ever tell you I used to have a lover who ended up being trans? Scariest damn conversation I ever had. Started thinking oh crap, I'm straight?" He laughed, gesturing at her with the bottle. "She is one fine lady though. Still one of my best friends. Married now though."
She nodded, "Did she end up changing everything?" she motioned to her lower body. "Did she... I mean. Did you like do her? Like... did she use her stuff?" she had never really know another male to female trans-person. Everyone in her group was female to male and they just didn't get it.
"Who, Lisa?" He hopped up on the bar and took a swig. "She went all the way after getting married. Got another friend, Samantha - though we all call her Sam - and she calls herself a "woman with penis". Damnedest thing. But Lisa and me... She was called Leo then and, well, forgive an old man for graphic stuff, but most of what we did was oral but we did some more ah...advanced stuff too."
"She got the thing removed?" She asked softly, "That's what I wanted before... Rachel." She drank and looked over at her son. "He was an accident. I never wanted to use my thing but it kinda happened and like... as much as I know she understands that I'm a girl... she really likes my penis and she used to freak out when I would talk about getting it taken off." She sighed, "I just like... I wish that I succeeded in taking it off when I was little."
Andre winced at the idea of removing a penis, but tried to cover it with a long swallow of his beer. "Well, I don't know nothing about all that, but maybe you should talk to the girls some time about it. I bet they'd have some insight for you."
Santana laughed sardonically, "I was a fucked up five year old. My dad didn't let me alone when I was changing or bathing for awhile after that incident." She sighed and looked at her son, "Maybe it would be okay." Santana said, "Maybe.. maybe Rachel could talk to Lisa's husband?"
"Definitely. Tell you what," he hopped down off the bar and set his empty bottle on it, "how about I hold a barbecue at my place and invite the girls and their families or well, current fling in Sam's case, and you and Rachel come by with Aaron to meet them? I'll even get some of those weird soy patty things for your lady."
Santana nodded and drank down the rest of her beer with her nerves mounting. She got up and moved to pick up her son and cuddled him to her chest. "I just... I don't like people knowing... Only Rachel, my dad and Quinn and Puck know..." she sighed, "I guess my mother too... but she still considers me the other way if she doesn't consider me dead."
"I can understand that, Santana, but sometimes it doesn't hurt to let people know who can help. And you know neither Sam or Lisa or their families are going to out you since you're all the same." He reached over and tousled AJ's hair, "And there ain't no way I'm letting anything happen to my best worker. After all, who else do you see throwing in to help on stock day?" He gestured around to the otherwise empty bar.
"Everyone else is getting educated and Puck's lazy." She smiled as she looked at her son. "Plus, I like my job and I get to bring baby-face here with me," she said as she kissed her son's head. "But I think like.. that sounds cool with your friends..."
"Great. I'll give them a call and set it up as soon as you tell me a day you and Rachel are free." He stepped over and brushed a hand through AJ's hair. "I like having the kid around. If you need to, you can set up one of those knockdown crib things in the office for him to sleep in when Rachel and the rest of you kids have too much on your plates and can't watch on work nights."
She smiled. "Thanks, dude," she said softly, "He's kinda the best thing in my world." She looked at the sleepy baby adoringly, "He's always so perfect and happy."
"And even I've seen him sleep through stuff that would wake me up and, pretty girl, Andre ain't no light sleeper." He teased, "Like when Johnny dropped a case of Bud during stocking last month. Whatever you girls do with that sweetheart to keep so calm, you oughta bottle and sell it."
Santana nodded nervously. She had been noticing that Aaron didn't pay attention to certain things. Like trucks backfiring as they passed outside their home... or Puck's voice at all... or even as she watched her son he didn't seem to be registering that Andre was speaking at all.
"Yeah... I mean... Yeah." she said with a stutter. "He's a good boy..." she kissed his temple in fear of finding out something might be wrong with her son.
"You okay, Santana?" Andre frowned worriedly, glancing over from where he was replacing bottles behind the bar. "You're looking a bit pale there."
"Yeah," she said before tucking the baby into his carseat for a nap and heading back behind the counter to work.
"Well, alright, Santana. There's a case of Beam in the back, can you grab it? We're getting low out here."
Santana carried her sleeping son in the house around dinner time. She knew Rachel would be home and she smiled at the smell of food wafting through the place. "Rach?" she called out as she threw her belongings on the couch and pulled Aaron's hat off him. She headed into the kitchen.
"In here, Santana," Rachel's voice came back from the kitchen.
"Hey, how was school?"
"Hi," Rachel smiled back at her from where she was busily stirring a pot of vegetable stew. "It was good. We're doing a unit on Shakespeare in Drama 101. While not my preferred musical theatre," she leaned up for a kiss then relaxed back into her fiancee's arms when they wrapped around her waist once AJ was settled in his playpen, "it's The Bard so I'm fascinated. How was work? Was Aaron well behaved?"
"Aaron was a little pile of awesome like always." She smiled as she kissed Rachel again. "It was good, stocking boxes... Andre gave me a beer because I yelled at him." She shrugged and pulled away to take off her sweatshirt so she could walk around in just her tank top.
Rachel startled, "Hold on, wait, what?" She turned to look at Santana with wide eyes, "You yelled at him and he gave you a beer? Santana, what happened?"
"He asked me if I had a dick and spermed you up to make Aaron." She groaned, remembering the conversation in her head as she spoke. "It was not a pleasant moment."
Her jaw dropped in shock. "He asked you what?! I'm sorry, Santana, but that does not sound at all like the man I know."
"Not in those words." She mumbled, "But he asked me about Aaron and said he had friends like me..." she sighed, "I didn't want anyone to know."
Rachel tapped her spoon on the pot and set it in its holder before coming over and wrapping her arms around Santana's waist, pulling her close. She rested her head on the girl's shoulder and sighed softly. "It's okay though, right? Nothing bad is going to happen because he knows. Right?" She was looking for reassurance, though she wouldn't admit it. "He's like a friend, Santana. He wouldn't do anything bad..."
"I know... I just don't want people like... guessing." She whispered and curled into her fiancee's arms. "He wants to have a BBQ with some of his friends who are like me... and one of them is married and maybe you and him could talk?"
"That doesn't sound so bad," Rachel murmured, gently stroking her hands over her fiancee's back. "Well, maybe the cooking murdered animals part," she teased, "but meeting people who know what you're going though... that doesn't sound so bad."
"Andre said that he'd get you soy-veggie burgers," Santana said softly. "But maybe it will be okay." She sighed and looked over at her baby. "Can... can we talk about Aaron for a second?"
Rachel bit her lip and looked nervously at the boy happily playing in his playpen. "What about him?"
She did her best to keep her voice light and cheerful, but inside she was worried. She'd noticed how he always managed to sleep through thunderstorms and even Puck had started commenting about how he didn't react to his voice. But she didn't want to say anything for fear that if she did - if something was wrong with their son - Santana wouldn't be able to deal with it and would leave.
"I... I think," she looked down at her feet, "I don't think... I don't think he can hear well." She knew this was bad. She knew that her perfect little thing was broken and she was scared that Rachel was going to leave. She was scared that it was her fault that the medications and the fact she shouldn't have been able to get Rachel pregnant... That everything had just sort of combined to hurt her baby. "I'm so sorry."
Rachel bit her lip and pulled away to go pick up their son and cuddle him close. "But he can hear us," she whispered, the boy cooing happily and reaching for his mom. "He can hear us. That makes it okay, right? He's not... not deaf or anything, not really." She bounced him in her arms, making him laugh.
"But.. he can't like hear thunder... or like Puck or Andre or my dad..." she whispered as she looked at him sadly, "I'm sorry.. I didn't mean for him to get broken... it's all my fault."
Rachel held him protectively against her chest, "He's not broken! He's our son, Santana! He's not broken!" She sounded scared and defensive, not wanting Santana to think AJ was somehow not right. She didn't want the girl to leave them, but she was also scared it was her fault he couldn't hear properly. Miguel had told her more than once that she should have added more animal proteins to her diet while she was carrying him, but she couldn't bring herself to do it and now she was scared that her unwillingness to deviate from her lifestyle for her son might have harmed him. "He's not broken," she whispered, nuzzling the side of his head, "he's not... he's perfect..."
"I know," Santana blinked away tears, slumping down in one of the kitchen chairs. "Please don't leave because he's not... please don't leave," She whimpered as she looked at her son then to Rachel. "I'm sorry I didn't know the medications could affect him..."
Rachel's head jerked up, startling AJ into crying for a moment before she instinctively calmed him down. She stared at Santana with a dropped jaw and open mouth. "L-l-leave?! Why would I leave? Santana, you're all I have! You... you think I'll leave? Because our Aaron needs more help? W-why?!"
"Because my mom left when I needed more help," she whispered. "Your dads left when you needed them... I can't do that to Aaron." She reached out to touch his hand. "I can't do this if you're not here."
"Santana," Rachel swallowed, blinking rapidly to hold back tears, "I want to marry you, not leave. You and Aaron are all I have that's worth anything... I can't leave. I couldn't. I'm not your mom or my dads... I thought... I thought you knew that." She sniffled softly.
"I'm so scared," she whispered. "I just... I want him to be okay. I don't want him to get picked on or not be able to hear you sing..." She pressed a kiss to his head, "I want him to be okay."
"He is okay," she insisted, watching Santana carefully. "So what if he can't hear everything? We love him anyway, right? And Quinn and Noah and your dad and... and everyone who knows him. So what if he needs more help? That's why we're his parents, right? To help him?"
She nodded, "I just..." she whispered, "I wanted him to be whole and not have parts missing."
"Santana!" Rachel scolded, holding AJ close. "Our son doesn't have parts missing! He is all here and healthy and if he can't hear everything, at least we know he can hear us. Isn't that what's important?" She smiled hopefully up at Santana, "He can hear our voices and we can tell him how loved he is..."
Santana sniffled, "I just... want his life to be easy." She whispered, "I want... I want him to be better and I don't want him to have to struggle."
"Life is about struggling, Santana," Rachel murmured, reaching out to pull Santana close and hold her whole family. "It makes us who we are and I, for one, think I'm better for struggling while I was younger. He's going to be better than us, you'll see."
Santana just rested her head on Rachel's shoulder opposite from her son. She watched him as he made faces and cuddled into his mothers. "We should see a doctor with him."
"Okay," Rachel whispered, kissing Santana's cheek and moving AJ so he was cradled between them, "so long as you stop acting like he's... defective or something. He's our son, Santana. There's nothing that can be wrong enough to make me leave. I promise you. Even if he couldn't hear at all and never heard our voices at all, I'd still stay. I love you, Santana. You and our son."
"I'm just nervous." She whispered, "I feel like it's my fault..." she said softly as she pressed kisses to his nose and forehead. "I just... I love him so much, Rachel."
"I know you do and this isn't your fault," Rachel hugged her, sliding the boy fully into Santana's arms so she could hold her lover. "No more than it's my fault for staying vegan when your dad kept telling me it could be bad for him," she admitted softly. "This is just how he was meant to be and we're going to love him anyway."
Santana cuddled her boy. "Rachel... can we take a bath with him? Have some bonding times?"
Rachel laughed softly, happy that their little crisis seemed to be averted. "Certainly we can. Just let me turn the heat down on the stew and it'll be ready when we're done, okay?"
Santana nodded and headed to the bathroom on the first floor and started to undress the baby. "We'll be okay." she whispered to him.
In the kitchen, Rachel put a lid on the stew and set it to simmer before straightening up, giving Santana some alone time with their boy. She was worried about her girl and sent a text to her soon to be father-in-law to give Santana a call that night. When he texted back, she sent that they were worried that AJ may have hearing loss and Santana was upset. He sent that he'd definitely call later before she set the phone down and headed into the bathroom.
Santana had put some of the baby bubbles into the bath and started the water. She had stripped down except her underpants and was holding her naked son against her bare chest. She was singing to him softly - she had started using Songbird as her lullaby for him when he was first born and continued to use it for him now. AJ reached his little hand out and tangled it in Santana's braid as she sang to him.
"See?" Rachel whispered, taking her clothes off with a soft smile as she watched her fiancee and their son. "He hears you." It was obvious to her that even when Santana sang without touching him that he responded and calmed down. Stripping off the last of her clothes, she came over and wrapped her arms around her from behind, placing gentle kisses against her back. "He's still our perfect boy, sweetheart. Because he's ours. Also, have I mentioned how beautiful you look like this lately?"
"Half naked with baby?" She smiled and turned and cradled him between them. "He wants you though... he's been trying to eat my boob and God knows nothing is in there for hims" she said as she handed him over to his mother. She pushed off her boxers and slid into the water, opening her arms for her fiancee.
"Mostly naked with baby," Rachel pointed out with a mischievous smile and waggle of her brows, "and there could be something in them for him if you wanted to go through the effort of inducing lactation without being pregnant." She slid into the tub and nestled back against Santana's chest, cradling AJ against her chest and helping him latch on, "After all, if men can do it, then I see no reason why my amazing fiancee can't." She glanced back over her shoulder with a smirk, "Have I mentioned the latest variation in my Tony's dream to you yet?"
"I would truly rather not go through that process thank you," she said with an eyeroll, she wrapped her arms around Rachel's waist and watched Aaron nurse. "What's your Tony dream, baby?"
"I dreamed that I got to the awards show. There's the red carpet and I'm in a limo and there's just thousands and thousands of bright flashing lights." She leaned back into Santana's embrace, carefully adjusting AJ to keep him from getting too wet while he nursed, "And I get out of the limo and everyone's smiling and taking my photo and calling my name."
She glanced back at Santana with a shy blush, "But then I stop and turn around to hold my hand out to where the limo's door is still open. And this red gloved hand grasps mine. And I pull the person out of the limo and she is gorgeous. She has this beautiful red dress on and, mmm! I could just eat her up! And there on her left hand is this," she tugs Santana's hand up, showing her the ring she'd proposed with, "with a simple gold band behind it. And everyone is so envious. Even those hot male stars are all but drooling."
Rachel leaned back and kissed Santana softly, "Because my wife is the hottest, sexiest woman at the entire event and they all wish they could be the one to take her home. But all I can think is how it doesn't matter if I win or lose for the categories I've been nominated for, because I won the biggest prize when Santana Lopez promised to be my wife." She pulled away and smiled at Santana, "I think that's my new favorite Tony dream too, by the way."
"I like that dream," Santana whispered. "I like it a lot." She pressed a few kisses to the girl's neck, "I think that one day it will be a reality and our son will be sitting at home with his Aunt Quinn or his grandpa and drinking hot cocoa and waiting to see his mom be called out and given a award for her brilliance." She ran her fingers down Rachel's arms, "Then you'll come home and put it on the shelf next to all your other awards and Aaron's like pee-wee soccer trophy and our wedding photo."
"Definitely," Rachel nodded, brushing wet fingers over his head, "and when he's old enough, he'll come with us and then I definitely can't lose. Not with both of your smiling faces in the audience." Her voice softened, "You make me believe I really can do it, Santana. More than just the desperate wanting of a child. You make the woman I like to think I'm becoming believe it can be more than just a dream. Thank you."
"It's what I'm here for. You're gonna achieve everything you want. You're gonna be on Broadway and Aaron and I will be so proud of you ever step of the way," she said adoringly as she smiled at her son when he decided he was finished. "Isn't that right, AJ?" she said when Rachel brought up her legs and rested him on her thighs. "You're gonna be Mommy's biggest fan?"
He laughed and reached for his mami where he could see her over Rachel's shoulder. Rachel just chuckled and shifted him so he could reach his other mom. "We're gonna be your biggest fans too, Santana," she murmured, patting his back. "Whatever you decide to do, I know you'll be amazing at it."
"What if," she whispered as she played with her baby's hands. "What if I just wanna be a mom?" she asked.
Rachel smiled, catching one of her hands and bringing it around so she could kiss the knuckles. "Then you'll be an amazing mom." She said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. "If that's what you want, then I support you. Completely, Santana." She looked back over her shoulder, "Isn't that what fiancees do?"
"Totally." Santana smiled and held them both, gently getting the washcloth and bathing her son. "I just don't really don't know what I wanna do... except you know like support you and Aaron. So, I'll keep at the bar and maybe get my degree in something like business or whatever just in case."
"That sounds suspiciously like a plan, love," Rachel teased, relaxing into her lover and helping her clean AJ. "I like that idea."
Santana just nodded and watched Aaron look around. "How much do you think he hears? I know he can hear us... but like what about everything else?"
"I don't know," Rachel admitted softly. "I know he doesn't react to thunderstorms or Noah or really your dad. But he seems to hear Quinn. We should take him to a specialist, use some of the money in my trust - don't worry, I'm sure it won't cost so much it'll impact our abilities to continue attending school by taking our son to have his hearing checked."
"We have my dad's insurance so it won't cost too much at all," she said as she looked at the boy again, "I hope he can hear you sing," she said softly. "I know he can't hear me and Puck on the guitar though." she whispered sadly.
"He'll be able to hear you sing," she spoke with assurance, convinced it was true. "He will. We'll get him one of those special hearing enhancers if we have to, but he'll be able to hear you. I promise he will."
Santana smiled, "You know the little bastard is gonna like flush them down the toilet." She said as she looked at her son with a smirk, "He is my baby, and I used to like get into all kinds of trouble."
"Santana, do not call our son that!" Rachel scolded, slapping her thigh through the water, causing AJ to splash as well as she let him back down against her thighs. "But, I know he can hear you sing Songbird to him. I can see him watch you while you're singing. Even when you're not looking at him. He looks right at you."
"Doesn't mean he's not gonna be a little bit insane... he is our child!" she smiled as she played with his kicking feet. "He's gonna be crazy."
"True, but that's what makes him so lovable." She smiled down at the happy baby leaning against her thighs, "Just like his mami."
"He's gonna be my partner in crime." she smiled as she poked his belly button causing him to giggle uncontrollably.
"Do you need capes?" Rachel teased, shivering slightly, "I think it might be time to get out and have dinner before this water gets much colder. I made vegetable stew with barley, cilantro, lime and peppers just for you. There's flatbread or tortillas to go with, which would you prefer?"
"Please, baby, tortillas." She smiled as she held and rinsed off Aaron when Rachel got out she handed him over to her lover when she held out the dragon towel to her. Santana got up and wrapped a towel around herself before taking the baby back into her arms. "Come on, Aaron the Magic Dragon," she smiled and dried the squirmy baby off, "Let's go get dressed with mommies and we can have some dinner."
AJ laughed and clung to Santana as she headed out of the room towards the bedroom. Rachel just shook her head with a smile, following after.