Dare to be Aware - Chapter Twenty Four
Title: Dare to be Aware
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: Hard NC-17
Length: 110,186
Spoilers: AU
Pairing: Santana/Quinn, past Brittany/Santana, Brittany/Artie mentions, Blaine/Sam, past Quinn/Finn, Quinn/Sam bearding, past Blaine/Kurt
Summary: What does it take to find your own identity? How much pain can you endure in the process?
Warnings (highlight to read): Gender Dysphoria, Violence against Trans, Trans Character, Explicit Sexual Content, Domestic Violence, Graphic Severe Violence, Hospitals, Transitioning, Rough Sex, Potentially dub-con/non-con situations, Abandonment
Chapter 24
Dinner that night started out awkwardly when Maria shouted in surprise at opening Santana's door to find her daughter curled into Quinn's side, her arm slung over his bare chest as he held her. It wasn't the wake up call that Santana had wanted and she'd flung a pillow at her mom before burying her face into Quinn's chest.
"Don'wanna ge'up," she mumbled, holding him tighter for a moment before she breathed in his familiar scent only to snort in surprise as she realized he was wearing some kind of girly perfume. "Oh ew. Quinn, you gotta shower before dinner. You smell like some chick that's not me and I'm not so cool with that."
He chuckled tiredly before getting up and groggily padding into the bathroom. He showered and used his man soap as Sam called it before getting out and heading into his bedroom. He dried off and pulled on a pair of boxers and his soft packer before sliding into a pair of jeans. He pulled a white t-shirt over his head and dried his hair with the towel. He yawned and stretched his arms up before he folded his towel on the back of his door and headed out to find Santana.
Santana held her arms out with a smirk. "Smell check, babe." She wrapped her arms around him and nuzzled his neck, breathing deep of the scent of Quinn and Old Spice with a happy little moan. "That's better. Now you smell like my boyfriend again." She leaned back and smiled softly up at him again, "Please don't disappear again. I thought something awful had happened when you weren't home that morning."
"I'm sorry... I fell asleep in my car that night." he shrugged, and kissed the side of her head. He hugged her for a moment before he heard his stomach growl loudly. "Hungry."
She laughed, wrapping an arm around his waist, "Come on, idiot. Mami's making dinner and she asked how long until you're coming down to help cook. I think my parents love you more than me sometimes, you know."
"I'm shiny and new." He smiled and walked down with her. He nervously headed into the kitchen with Santana and smiled at the girl's parents. "Hi," he said softly.
"Mi Quinn!" Maria cried, coming over to pull him into a hug. "Do not go off so long again! Come now, we will make delicious chicken rojo while Santana and her papa prepare the table. Come come."
"Try not to startle us so much when you come home next time, son," Emilio chided softly, smiling at him as he headed past to gather the dishes he needed.
"Sorry... Blaine and Sam wanted a graduation thing..." He shrugged. "But I'm sorry for worrying you," he said as he hugged Maria with a smile.
Emilio laughed, dropping a stack of dishes into Santana's arms. "That's a very politic way of saying you had a spat with Santana and needed time off."
Quinn looked at the floor and moved to where Maria directed him and started sauteing the veggies. "Doesn't matter now, everything is good."
"Quinn," Emilio's hand dropped down onto his shoulder, "don't get bent out over it. You're young and in love. The two of you will fight. Especially dating my daughter. It'd take a saint not to fight with our women, mijo, and I know I'm no saint."
Quinn laughed as Maria hit her husband upside the head with the back of her hand. "Damn right you're not a saint." She chided, "Get outs of my kitchen," she said as she crossed her arms.
"Damn, woman!" He scowled down at her, holding the side of his head, "Do you have to hit so hard? I was just talking to the boy!"
"Papi, don't argue with Mami," Santana scolded, coming in to drag him off. "She'll just get out the frying pan again and I ain't dragging you out of the kitchen this time."
"Take the girl and I'll keep the boy," she smiled and stood next to Quinn. "He's more useful in the kitchen then either of you."
"Ouch, Mami, just ouch," Santana smirked, heading out of the kitchen with Emilio. "Come on, Papi, let's see what's on the soccer channel."
Quinn smiled at his girl before she walked out of the room. "What are we making, Maria?" he asked as he took the cilantro she gave him. "Smells amazing."
"Chicken Rojo. It is fairly simple and relatively quick," Maria explained, carefully peeling blanched tomatoes. "You will like it I think."
"Looks good." He smiled as he looked at the woman. "How's the restaurant? I'm sorry I missed work... I hope I didn't put you out."
"Don't worry, Santana always takes two weeks off before the start of her summer career," Maria waved off his worries. "We can handle the riff raff until the real workers are ready to start." She winked at him, then straightened as she remembered something. "Oh! You received a letter while you were away with your friends." She bustled over to the cubby where the mail was kept and pulled out the large beige envelope. "Here you are."
He looked curiously at it. "No one knows I'm staying here..." He said softly as he ran his finger over the sealed edge and ripped it. He pulled out a graduation card that was signed by his mom. "Oh..." He said softly, "My mom..." He moved to read the sheet of paper that was tucked inside. He felt the tears falling down his cheeks as he read the letter from his mother.
Maria glanced over at him worriedly, "Is everything okay, mi Quinn? Do you need Santana? I can call her in..."
"It's okay." Quinn sniffled and wiped his eyes. "I didn't think I'd ever hear from her again." He looked up before folding the note and sliding it into his pocket. "She sounds happy," he said, almost hurt that his mother was doing so well without him.
"She should never have left you," Maria insisted, coming over and hugging him close. "I cannot see how a mother could ever leave her child, especially not one as lovely as you, mi Quinn."
"My dad would have killed her if she stayed." Quinn sighed, "He... he tried to kill me and she saved me." He shrugged and rubbed his eyes before hugging Santana's mom. "I... she's dating someone and happy... why couldn't I be with her and she love me enough to come back?"
"You would not have your Santana if you were with her now," Maria offered as a possible consolation, sighing softly. "Emilio says I should not be so harsh upon her, but I cannot understand how a mother can leave their child. I would never leave Santana or you in the state you were left. I would rather die then see my children harmed."
"Thank you." He smiled sadly. "But, it's different on the other side of the abuse," Quinn said softly. "I grew up watching my mom get hit, then I got hit which I never understood since my older sister never got hit... He just hated my mom and I."
"That is no excuse," Maria declared, kissing his forehead. "My children come first. I love my husband dearly, but I would die fighting him before I allowed him to lay a harmful hand upon either you or Santana. But what does she say, your mother, besides that she is happy now that she has run away from her child?"
Quinn sighed, "My mom is getting a divorce... she's safe but she doesn't say where she is staying... she said she met a man..." He scoffed, "Though I'm not surprised... she's never been alone since she got pregnant at 17 with my sister."
Maria shook her head disapprovingly, "What things to tell the child you abandoned, Judy Fabray." She plucked the letter from Quinn's hand and set it aside with the card before reaching up to carefully wipe the tears away from his cheeks. "Don't you worry, mi Quinn. You have a home here and you will always be the son of my heart."
"Thank you..." He said hugging the woman. "Can we keep cooking?" He asked sadly as he rubbed his eyes. "I just want to forget this right now."
"Absolutely." She leaned up and kissed his cheek before turning back to the stove, "And after dinner you and Santana should head to bed. She hasn't been sleeping well with you gone. Your fight upset her quite a bit. She thinks I don't know you two must have broken up for a bit, but a mother knows these things. You are back together now?"
"Yeah, we needed to figure somethings out," Quinn said as he moved to chop things up for the salad. "I know it's hard for her... accepting me like this." He motioned to his body. "Her mind got stuck in the label everyone gave to her because of her relationship with Britt..."
Maria's lips thinned. "I never liked that girl. Too devious for her own good. She will come to a bad end just you wait and see. I do not like what she did to my little girl. Good people don't play with the hearts of the people they call friends like that."
"She's vindictive alright." Quinn replied, "She did not take well to me and Santana."
The woman's gaze sharpened. "What are you talking about, Quinn? What did that blonde harpy do to my baby?"
"She went after me not Santana..." Quinn sighed as she added more spice to the sauce. "She's the one who told my dad... sent him pictures of me dressed like this with Santana..."
Maria's breath hissed as she drew it in sharply. "That is no child. She is a bruja!" She spat at the ground. "She does not deserve to draw the same breath as you and my baby! She should be reported to the authorities immediately!"
"I have no evidence, Maria." Quinn said, "Brittany didn't know he was abusive. She didn't know he'd hurt me like he did."
"It does not matter!" She was furious, angrily stirring the sauce, "She should not be allowed to harm you! Her knowing or not does not matter! A good person would never stoop to such behavior!"
Quinn nodded, "I know... but we never need to see her again." He reminded her girlfriend's mom. "She didn't graduate. Santana doesn't want to see her again... and I'm alive. I'm not letting Brittany win."
"Good," she nodded, "she deserves nothing but ill for what she has done to my children. Here now, taste this," she scooped up a little of the sauce on a spoon and held it up to him. "What do you think?"
"Very yummy." He nodded, "Thank you for teaching me how to cook... I really like being able to do something."
"Everyone has talents, Quinn," Maria smiled up at him, "all it takes is a little practice to turn them into skills. You've potential in the kitchen unlike my well-intentioned but not always well-skilled daughter."
"She's good for business out front." Quinn smiled, "She gets people to order the expensive stuff." He smirked as he looked at his girl's mom.
Maria laughed. "She is that. Come now, I think dinner is ready. Tell the rest of our family to come to the table, mi Quinn."
Quinn nodded and moved to the living room. "Emilio and San? Dinner." As he saw Santana watching soccer on the edge of her seat with her dad.
"One sec," Santana held up a finger, not even looking away from the screen, "Come on... come on..." There was a flurry of movement and she jumped up with a happy yell, "YES! In your face, Papi!" Throwing her arms around Quinn she kissed him hard before pulling back with a happy grin, "God, I love you. Come on, Papi, let's go eat!"
"Yeah yeah," Emilio groused, turning off the TV and heading for the dining room, "you're just happy because your team won."
Quinn just laughed softly and pulled out Santana's chair for her once the plates were set on the table. Quinn sat down next to his girlfriend and held her hand as the family said grace. While they chatted about their day Quinn slid his hand over onto Santana's leg and held her hand through the rest of the meal.
Sharing a car all the way to Columbus to check out the three possible apartments they'd looked at online with Sam and Blaine turned into more drama than expected when they all climbed into the little hatchback.
First, Blaine had this absurd need to play show tunes while on road trips. And sing along. Finally, after nearly forty minutes, Santana couldn't take any more. Ten minutes of screaming in Spanish and threatening to throw his iPod out the window later, they weren't listening to Broadway anymore.
"Fucking Broadway," Santana muttered, glaring out the window. "Got enough of that shit in Glee with freaking Rachel."
Quinn reached over and held his girlfriend's hand after he had to go out and find Blaine's iPod before sliding back into the driver's seat. "Babe... no throwing shit out the window."
Blaine cradled the dirty Shuffle and glared distrustfully at Santana until Sam reached over and squeezed his thigh. "Dude, it was getting a bit old. Only so many showtunes can be tolerated in one sitting."
"Well, how about Katy Perry? I've got -"
"No!" Santana barked, leaning forward. "No Broadway, no Katy Perry, no Glee! Can we just listen to the radio like normal people for once?"
Quinn flipped on the radio and pressed the CD player. He saw Santana smile when she heard the mix she'd given him when they'd first started trying to be together that he kept in the car. It was a random mix of Nirvana, Jay-z, The Beatles and Amy Winehouse.
"Yeah, show tunes kinda suck." He smiled and looked at the boys in the back seat.
"Babe, if we didn't have company, you would so be getting thanked right now," Santana smirked glancing over at her.
"Oh God, please don't," Blaine muttered looking vaguely disconcerted even as Sam sat back and smirked up at the front seat.
"Go right ahead, San," Sam teased, "I don't mind."
"No live porn, Sam." Quinn said strictly, "Plus we'll be at the first place soon." He explained as he looked at the GPS. "Hopefully these places don't suck to hard and are big enough for four people to live in."
"Oh God no live porn. I do not ever wanna walk in on you two boning," Santana grimaced. "Ew. Seriously. Ew."
Sam laughed but Blaine just rolled his eyes. "Whatever, Santana, unlike some people in this car, we prefer privacy."
"Bite me, Boytoy." She smirked, "And don't you start, Sammy."
"Whatever you say, San. All three of the places should be big enough," Sam finally pointed out to Quinn, "I mean, we did specify there was four of us in the searches."
"I've actually walked in on them several times," Quinn replied. "For the life of me," he started with a smirk, "I don't know how it fits."
"Ew!" Santana first looked appalled then covered her ears, "Oh God! Why did you do that to me, Quinn? Oh gross, I'm gonna be sick!"
Sam just laughed while Blaine tapped on Quinn's shoulder and pointed at the apartment building coming up.
Quinn chuckled and pulled into the parking lot and turned off the car. He got out and walked around to open Santana's door and offered her his hand. He had worn grey dress pants with a black button down with a black tie. He put on his glasses and looked to Blaine and Sam as he laced his fingers with Santana's. "Let's do this."
"You're lucky I love you," Santana whispered, snuggling into his side when she spotted a woman across the street looking at him, an arm going around his waist and pulling him close. "Mine," she growled softly, glaring at the woman until she realized and picked up her pace heading down the street.
Sam just chuckled as he held the door open for his friends when they entered the building. Blaine walked over to the leasing agent and smiled charmingly.
"Hi, My name is Blaine Anderson." He said, "I called a few days ago about seeing one of the free units. The two bedroom on the 11th floor?" he reminded the woman who was looking behind him at the three other people. "Is that apartment still available?"
"Yes." She said simply as she begrudgingly got up and grabbed her key's. "Come with me and I can show you the room. "Are you sure you want a two bedroom?" She looked at the other teenagers and raised an eyebrow.
"You trying to imply something, lady?" Santana snapped, already on edge from the long car ride. "We're college students. We'd be in the dorms except they ran out of room. Now can you please just show us the apartment?"
Quinn held Santana's hand tighter, "Calm down." he whispered following Blaine and Sam to the elevator. He got in and wrapped his arms around Santana while they headed to the floor.
She relaxed into his arms, "Sorry. I just don't like people judging us. Any of us. They don't know us so they can just shut up."
"I know," he said softly. "But I'd be nervous if four eighteen year-olds wanted to lease too," he reminded her.
"I know, but it felt like she was trying to say something about us you know," she tangled her fingers with his and leaned up to kiss him, causing Sam to whistle lowly and her to flip him off.
"Alright, kids," the lady exclaimed as she lead them down to the end of the hall and unlocked the door, "two bedrooms, one bath. New carpets, paint job, central air, garbage disposal, and a gas stove," she explained as she let them inside the apartment to look around.
"It's nice," Blaine suggested, looking at the white walls and beige carpet.
"It's small," Sam retorted, knowing how much space four people took up from living with his entire family in a motel room.
"Would you two shut up?" Santana groused, pulling away from Quinn to look in the bedrooms. "It's not like we've got a lot of stuff anyway."
"Speak for yourself," Blaine scoffed with a raised brow, thinking about his book collection.
"Babe, be civil okay?" Quinn pleaded, "I wish it could be just us... but we can't afford it right now." He looked in her eyes, "We have two more to look at that we might like better."
"I am being civil, Q," she shrugged. "Just cause I call Sammy and Boytoy names and things don't mean anything. I don't mind sharing living space with Homosplosion as long as they stay outta our bedroom." She reached up and cupped Q's face, running her thumb over his cheekbone as she smirked at him. "Besides, I said please to Ms Judgy McJudgerpants, didn't I?"
"Yes, and I'm very impressed." he smirked, "I thought you only knew that in the context of the bedroom."
She laughed and smacked him in the chest. "Ass. You're lucky I love you so much or you'd be getting cut off. So, this place isn't entirely horrible, but I wanna see where else we could be living together before we pick." She ran her hand up his chest to his neck and pulled him down into a kiss, "I kinda like the idea of sharing a room - a bed - with you and getting to come home to you every night."
He smiled, "Me too." He kissed her again before pulling away and leading her to look at the other rooms and bathroom.
Four hours later, they were all getting a little weary of the constant driving and dealing people in a college town generally afraid of renting to four freshman honor students (except Sam, but in his defense it was difficult to keep up a high GPA while basically raising his two younger siblings and living out of a motel room). Blaine was curled up in the backseat of the car with his head in Sam's lap taking a nap to get ready to take over driving from Quinn on the way back to Lima, but the other three were still awake. Santana leaned against the window and looked at Quinn.
"I don't know about you guys, but I think the first place was probably our best bet," she shrugged. "At least she didn't actively treat me like a whore for wanting to live with three guys."
Quinn chuckled, "This is true. Plus, it's really close to the grocery store and the bus stop." He replied as he looked over to his girlfriend. "I think that it will be nice. I mean we have enough room. The kitchen is good size... could be worse."
"You're cooking then," Sam yawned from the backseat. "I ate Santana's cooking once and I am never ever doing that again." He winced when she glared at him, "Dude, you put three whole habanaros in my burrito!"
"Whatever, you know you like spicy stuff," Santana shrugged.
"Spicy yes, melt-your-intestines, no!" His stomach rumbled, waking Blaine and he blushed. "Can we stop and get some food though? I'm hungry."
"Sure. Want go to go to a restaurant or just a drive thru?" He asked as he drove as he looked to the signage on the road. "And yeah. I'll cook, I enjoy doing it."
"Restaurant," Santana stated firmly. "I wants out of this car for a bit before we drive back."
"Santana's right," Sam shrugged. "We need a break from the car and looking at apartments before that drive. Especially with Blaine having control of the radio."
"I resent whatever you're implying." Blaine grumbled, folding his arms and sitting up.
"Imply nothing," Santana smirked back at him. "You're obsessed with show tunes and top 40s. It's annoying."
Quinn laughed as he pulled off the highway and searched around until he found a diner. He knew how much Santana enjoyed breakfast at all times of day and it would make her happy. He parked and got out of the car and headed to open her door. He kissed her softly as she got out of the car. "I'll buy you breakfast," he said with a wiggle of his eyebrows.
"You two make me wanna puke," Sam commented as he headed towards the restaurant. Quinn just rolled her eyes and pulled Santana along.
"You and Blaine were way worse when you two got together at first," he called as they walked towards the doors.
"And we're hotter," Santana pointed out, wrapping her arm around Quinn's waist with a smirk.
Sam gawked for a moment before letting out an indignant squawk and pulling up his shirt to show off his abs, "Hey! Pure hotness here, baby! You know you want all this!"
"Sorry, Sammy," she laughed, glancing back at him, "but Q's the only guy I'll ever want. Guess you'll just have to satisfy yourself with just Blaine."
"Damn, so no fourways?" He joked, only to duck when Blaine tried to slap the back of his head with a laugh.
"Hell no," Quinn said as he looped his fingers through Santana's belt loop. They slid into a booth and he smiled when she snuggled into him. "So boys, the apartments. Which do you wanna take?"
"I liked the second one," Blaine admitted, remembering the built in bookcases, "but the staff was a bit unpleasant."
"That's one way to put Mr. I'll Lower Your Rent If You Fuck Me," Santana grimaced, hating the sleazy old man. "You can live there if you want, Blaine, but I ain't."
Quinn frowned. "No one's fucking Santana but me," he pouted and wrapped his arm around her.
"She's all yours, buddy." Sam smiled and looked at the menu. "Blaine, I want french toast and a cheeseburger!"
"At the same time?" The dapper young man looked slightly nauseous. "Sam, that's disgusting."
Santana shrugged, leaning into Quinn. "I'm sure he'll spend the three hours after we get home working it off."
Sam smirked at Blaine, "Any suggestions on exercises?"
"Ew," Quinn looked disgusted. "Blaine, I think he wants you to get one of them so he can share it with you," he noted before looking at the menu with Santana. "Baby, what do you want?"
"It's still a disgusting combination," Blaine muttered, perusing the menu.
Santana looked it over and shrugged, "I'll just have a garden salad with ranch on the side. Got to watch my figure," she patted her flat stomach. "I am on a cheer scholarship as a flyer after all."
Quinn made a face. "Baby..." he said worriedly, "I... I thought you'd have breakfast... we never get up early enough and I thought you loved it."
"I do, I just," she sighed, leaning over and resting her head on Quinn's shoulder. "Sorry, I'm just tired. Maybe a couple eggs and some toast? I'll have bacon if you'll share it with me."
"Whatever you want. I just don't want you still eating like you're on Sue's crazy diet. It's not healthy." Quinn reminded her as he looked to the waitress.
"She'll have scrambled eggs and toast with apple juice," he smiled at his girlfriend, "I'll have a greek omelet and a side of bacon with a cup of coffee." He looked over to the boys to order.
"I'll have a cheeseburger, medium rare with fries and he'll have french toast with extra syrup," Sam requested with a eyebrow waggle at his slim boyfriend.
"Ew, Sam," Santana looked disgusted for a second before closing her eyes with a soft sigh. "So we going with the first place or what?"
Quinn kissed her girlfriends temple, "I like the first one. We can go to Ikea and get some furniture and get the rest from Goodwill."
"Ikea?" Santana groaned, turning her face into her boyfriend's shoulder, "Do we have to? That place is seriously nuts. Besides, like Brittany's entire house is decorated out of that place. Can't we just hit Goodwill and like thrift shops and stuff?"
"Sure that works too," Quinn said, "I was thinking more for like a couch or whatever and bookshelves for Blaine."
"Quinn, I've got bookshelves," Blaine laughed, "the problem is getting them moved."
"But that's what you got me for, babe," Sam grinned, pulling up his sleeve and flexing one of his arms.
"I am so glad you're going home after we get back to Lima," Santana grumbled, "cause I so don't wanna have to hear you two boning in the next room before I absolutely have to."
"Hey! We're quiet! Right, Quinn?" Sam added with a smirk at his fellow blond.
"No comment," he said as he sipped his coffee once the waitress brought them their drinks. "You can nap on the way home, baby," he whispered to Santana. "I'll put you to bed."
"Only if you sit in back with me," she yawned, taking a sip of her apple juice. "Sam and Blaine have gotten to snuggle in the back the whole day while being gross. Only fair that I get some cuddles on this trip too. I've been totally nice too. Right, Sammy?"
He grinned, "For you? Totally. For a sane person, not so much."
Quinn chuckled before nodding when the food came. He started to tuck into his eggs when everyone else began to eat. He leaned over and stole a fry off of Sam's plate with a smile before feeding it to Santana. She grinned, snapping it off close to his fingers with a little chuckle before filching a piece of his bacon to hold up in reciprocation.
"You two are seriously gross," Sam observed, taking a big messy bite of his burger.
"I think it's cute," Blaine argued, cutting up his french toast.
Quinn ate the bacon and licked off Santana's fingers before turning back to his meal. After they finished eating and Blaine paid for everyone, Quinn and Santana slid into the back of the car and he smiled as she snuggled into him. Resting her head on his lap, she sighed softly as she got the seat belt buckled in her awkward position.
"If Blaine starts playing Top 40, don't wake me," she mumbled, nuzzling his thigh.
Quinn smiled and ran his fingers through her hair. "Go to sleep, baby," he said softly as he kept soothing his girlfriend's sleeping form.