Trusting You to Catch Me - Chapter Ten
Title: Trusting You to Catch Me
Author: Sio & Maura
Rating: NC-17
Length: 57,974
Spoilers: Everything up to On My Way and then deviating from there with minor Big Brother references.
Pairing: Santana/Quinn, Brittany/Santana/Quinn/Rachel friendship, mentions of Brittany/Santana, some Finn/Rachel (not positive)
Summary: Following her accident, Quinn experiences the gamut of emotion: denial to acceptance to healing and everything in between. But through it all are her friends patiently helping her with caring and friendship and maybe more.
Warnings (highlight to read): eating disorders, severe accident recovery, graphic sex, verbal abuse, minor violence, family issues, cheating, body image issues
Chapter 10
Judy pulled the champagne Lexus sedan into the driveway of their house and put it in park. Looking over at her daughter in the passenger seat, she smiled gratefully. "Are you sure you'll be fine here alone while I'm at book club, Quinnie? I could go pick up one of your friends if you'd like. That Rachel girl is sweet."
Quinn shook her head, her attention caught on a familiar looking car down the street. "No. That's okay," she smiled at her mom. "I'll be fine, don't worry. You don't want to be late to your meeting after all."
She nodded, reaching over to squeeze her hand. "At least let me help you inside. A mother is supposed to help after all," she smiled, getting out and pulling Quinn's wheelchair out of the trunk and holding it steady while Quinn carefully levered herself up and out of the car and into the chair. "There we are," she murmured, wheeling Quinn up to the front door. "And I'll be home around nine tonight, but you call me if you need anything, understand?"
Quinn rolled her eyes with a fond smile, glad her mom was finally getting help with her drinking problem - even if she did insist on calling her meetings "book club". "I'll be fine, mom. I'll probably just do my homework and go to bed. I'm pretty worn out after that session after all."
Judy pushed her in the house. "Well, okay. If you're sure."
"I'm sure," she laughed, waving her off. "Go to your meeting!"
Judy looked around then gave a final nod. "Alright," she gave in, leaning down to kiss her daughter's cheek, "I'll call before I come home to ask if you want me to pick up dinner." Giving Quinn one last smile, she headed back out to the car and pulled out of the driveway as Quinn closed the door.
Santana watched from across the street with a sigh as Quinn pushed herself back into the house and closed the door behind her. She sighed and put the car in drive before going over and parking in her driveway. She sat there for a few minutes then willed herself to get out of the car and grab her bag before walking up to the house and knocking on the door. She rapped her knuckles against it and shifted her weight side to side as she waited for Quinn to answer the door.
Quinn eased the curtain aside to peek out with a confused look. She hadn't been expecting anyone and Judy hadn't told her about any packages or anything like that either. When she spotted Santana, her eyes widened in surprise.
"Santana?!" she gasped, dropping the curtain and pushing herself over to the door to ease it open, trying not to smack it against her chair. "What are you doing here? Is everything okay?" She winced as she realized how accusatory that probably sounded and moved her chair out of the way of the door so she could open it further, "Sorry. Come in?"
Santana slipped in the dark house and closed the door, "You a vampire?" she asked as she looked around nervously.
"A vampire?" she asked confusedly, wheeling in behind her. "What are you talking about? I just got home is all."
"It's dark," She joked, "I know you just got home, I came by a bit earlier then remembered that you had a session. Where'd Judy go?"
"She's got a meeting to go to," Quinn shrugged, wheeling into the kitchen to get something to drink with her medications. "Want some juice or something?"
"Uh sure." Santana said as she followed. She hopped up on the counter and watched Quinn as she got them water and then then started to take her medications. "How was your thing today? Did you have swimming today or just physio?"
"Swimming and physio," she reached up to rub at a shoulder with a grimace. "I am beyond sore. Sue oughta hire these guys if she wants to give you all a real workout," she teased.
"Wouldn't know. I haven't been allowed to do anything but yell in a bullhorn all week." Santana sighed, "I could, like, massage you with those tricks Sue taught us? Or... I have other things that might relax you."
"You just want to get your hands on me," Quinn smirked, swallowing down the last of her medications for the evening. "Come on, let's head back to my room so I can get out of this chair."
Santana nodded and took control of Quinn's chair and directed her to her bedroom. She looked at her. "Come on, Gimp," she offered as she reached her hand out to Quinn and when the blonde took her hand she slipped her out of the chair and onto the bed. She fluffed her back up will pillows she she was in a slightly elevated position. "How's that?"
"More comfortable than the chair," she admitted. "Open the window? It gets stuffy in here lately."
She nodded and leaned up and opened the window and turned on Quinn's fan. "Hot flashes?" She teased, as she pulled the chair over and plopped down. "How have ya been?"
"More like Mom likes it hot in here," Quinn shrugged. "I'm good. Berry's been keeping me company when she can. How about you?"
She shrugged, "Berry's been shoving food in me like I'm a fucking duck going to slaughter to harvest their liver." She sighed and rolled her neck. "I kinda hate that I like her around."
"You actually like her?" Quinn teased. "This is news. Since when does Santana Lopez like Man-hands Berry?"
Santana shrugged, "She defended me to her cave man ex." She played with the lamb she swiped off of Quinn's pillow, "Plus, I needs some friends."
"Her ex? So... she really did call things off with Finn?" she sounded surprised, snorting softly. "And because of you. Strange. I spent the last two years trying to tell her he was bad news and you walk in and manage it in a few months."
"Nah. He punched Sam in the face and said some choice things about me." She sighed and rubbed her face against the soft wool of the lamb. "Violence and bigotry and homophobia trumps ex-girlfriend."
"Jesus," she breathed, "no wonder you two weren't in Glee yesterday." She shook her head, "God, I never thought he'd be that bad..."
"He's a douche." Santana stated, "But, whatever he's gone. You don't have to deal with him anymore and neither do I or Rachel." She looked at the window. "Yo, can I smokes in here? I brought lots for you too."
"Of course we have to deal with him still," Quinn scoffed. "He's still in Glee. And it's good you brought extra cause I'm only letting you make my room smell like a damn head shop if you share."
"You like it," she teased before pulling her pipe out of her bag and packing it. "If he knows what's good for him he'll back the fuck up."
"When has he ever known what's good for him?" Quinn asked, reaching over to pull a Zippo out of her nightstand and hand it to Santana.
"This is true." She said as she flicked the lighter and took a drag, "Fuck, that's good," She choked out as she held in the smoke and handed the bowl over to Quinn.
Quinn wiggled up a little further in the bed before taking the pipe and taking in a deep drag. Closing her eyes for a moment as she held her breath, she handed the pipe back to Santana before letting out a slow breath, smoke curling up from the corners of her lips. "Very nice," she breathed out. "Mack?"
"Mack's new man," She said, before pressing her lips around the mouthpeace and inhaling, "He grows, it's fucking beautiful."
"She's with a guy?" she laughed, accidentally coughing on the last of the smoke. "Shocker. Last I heard she was with some biker chick she picked up at the truck stop."
"Too much for ya, Q?" Santana teased as she took a deep drag and leaned her head back. "He's like 50... but chill enough, she's kinda a whore so who cares who she's fucking." She played with the lamb in her lap after handing it back to Quinn. She could feel the buzz start over her and she smiled to herself. "I gained a pound and a half, if you care."
"Really?" She grinned over at Santana, taking the pipe back. "That's amazing, San! Guess Berry's good for you," she teased, taking another hit.
"No, she just looks at me with those fucking eyes and starts to tear up and force feeds me fatty drinks." She pouted as she took the bowl and inhaled sharply. "Fucking hate it. Stomach hurts all the fucking time."
"Oh so that's how it works," Quinn smirked. "You've got it bad for Berry. Bet you'd get into her argyle skirt if she offered."
"Hell no!" Santana exclaimed as she moved over and crawled into bed with Quinn and moved up to sit on her side on the full bed. "She's fucking annoying. Like that little sibling that you never wanted but you got anyway."
Quinn laughed, "That's what she defended? Damn, San. And here I could have sworn I caught you checking out her legs and ass more than once."
"I'm still alive, bitch. I've checked out your ass too." she rolled her eyes and snatched the weed back and took a drag. She laid back against the wall. "tingly high... My fave."
"So you'd check out your little sister's ass?" she snickered. "That's creepy, San. Can't check out my ass anymore until my back heals though," she pointed out with a smirk. "But I can check out yours if I want!"
"Nope." She shook her head, "My ass is not good. You can't ogle me ever, Q. You're too good for me, so it's not fair to me." She played with the ends of her hair listlessly. "I get to check out your tits though, if I can't look at your ass. Because I'm a creepy dyke."
"That's not fair," Quinn pouted. "How come you get to check out my body if I can't look at yours?"
"Cuz," Santana said, "I'm gross right now."
"So?" she asked, raising her trademark brow. "Doesn't mean you're not still you and you're hot. So there. Now me? I'm all beat up and nasty looking. Not hot at all."
"You're still plenty hot and hey... I saw Artie getting all nervous around your gimpy ass in Glee." Santana sighed, trying to turn the focus of herself.
"That's cause Brittany's been yelling at him for trying to break me more," she muttered with a shrug. "I'm not hot. I'm a scarred up, broken mess."
"Still hot!" Santana exclaimed as she took another deep hit.
"Absolutely not," she mumbled, feeling lightheaded from the drugs in her system.
"Shut up, Q." Santana giggled slightly, "Your face is healed and you're getting better. So, shut your pretty face."
"Not pretty," Quinn laughed. "I'm a mess. No one'll wanna deal with my crap."
"Like I'm not?" she scoffed, "Please, girl, I be a boat load of crazy." She flopped over and slid slightly closer to Quinn while laying down.
"Nope," she shook her head, watching Santana, "and you're too far away. Why are you all the way over there? Come cuddle." She held her arms out to her.
Santana flopped over and wrapped herself carefully around Quinn. "I missed you," she muttered against the blonde's collarbone in which her cheek was pressed against it.
"Not as much as I missed you," she teased, wrapping her arms around her thin frame. "What did you do all week staying away so much?"
"Stayed at home and studied and cleaned and tried to make my family love me," she mumbled sadly. "So, you know, accomplished some of that."
"Oh so a lot of what I did, minus the cleaning of course, huh?" Quinn offered with a lopsided smile, trying to cheer Santana up a bit.
"Judy loves you in her own gin soaked way."
"She's not drinking anymore," she pointed out. "That's why she goes to meetings."
Santana looked up surprised, "Wow, for real? That's pretty good, right?"
"Yeah. Too bad I had to almost die to convince her to go to freaking AA."
"She's gonna get better cause she wants too now," Santana smiled, "She loves you that much."
"Or cause I told her she has to if she wants me to stay here," she shrugged. "But yeah, maybe she does."
"Love," Santana poked Quinn's nose. "It makes us do things."
"Sure it does," she stole the pipe back and took the last hit off it. For a while they just laid there together, staring at the ceiling. Then Quinn decided to talk. "San," she started curiously, "what's it like? You know... kissing girls? It looks... soft."
The smaller girl's head popped up from where she had been content listening to Quinn's heart beat. "What?"
"What's the big deal?" she looked at Santana, startled by the sudden movement. "I just figured you'd know. It's not like I can ask Rachel about it."
"Just not something you get asked everyday," She mumbled as she reached for the pipe and misjudged her level of high and swayed back against the pillow. "I'm trashed, Q."
She giggled, "You're way more sober than me."
Santana gave her a look and rolled her eyes, "I know! You just asked me what girls kissed like!"
"So? I wanna know!" She smirked at Santana, "You never know, maybe this time I'll give up on boys for real."
"Never will believe it," Santana laughed, "But... I don't know? I like kissing girls... It's different." She had a hint of a shy smile playing across her lips as her eyes fluttered in thought. "Soft."
"Yeah, looks like it," Quinn whispered, watching her. "Guys don't know what they're doing at all. All hard and wet and those stupid beards they try to grow are so scratchy..."
"Girls are wet in a whole different way," Satana beamed cheekily. "But, yeah. I hated kissing dudes... I didn't hate the sex, but girls are just nicer. I don't really know... I've only really ever fucked one girl."
"Ew, so didn't wanna think about you and Britts," she moaned, reaching up to rub at her face. "I just... I wanted to know. Cause I think about it sometimes, you know?"
"Do you?" Santana asked, "Brit is my go to because she's my first..."
"Yeah," she peered over at Santana from under her arm, her cheeks tinging lightly pink. "I just... I don't know. I just... wondered. What it'd be like. Never mind..."
"You just want all up on my lips," she teased. "I know the game."
"Ugh! Never mind extra now," Quinn huffed, embarrassed. "Forget I even asked. Maybe I should have asked Berry..."
"You can't kiss her!" Santana exclaimed unhappily, crossing her arms.
"Why not? It's not like you'd care who she's kissing. You already said you don't like her like that," she muttered, unhappy with having her awkward attempt called out.
"Cause... I'd be jealous she got to kiss you," Santana looked down at her hands to avoid making eye contact with Quinn.
"That's not fair, San!" she cried. "You don't get to be jealous after making fun of me!"
"I wasn't making fun of you! I was saying you want on my lips..." She replied, "But evidently you want Berry not me," She pouted sadly.
"That's stupid," she groused. "Why would I ask you first if I wanted Berry?"
"I don't know," She said softly, "Why would you want to kiss me anyway?"
She shrugged, not looking at Santana. "I don't know. I just wanted to. But never mind, you don't wanna kiss a cripple anyway."
"I've wanted to kiss you since I met you," Santana whispered, leaning back against the headboard. "Anyway," she cleared her throat, "I'm a freak... no one actually wants me."
"You're being stupid again," Quinn muttered, folding her arms over her chest, unable to look at her.
"No, I'm not." She sniffled, "I was an experiment for Brittany... I'll always be that."
"So? Brittany can be a real idiot. Doesn't mean that you'd be an experiment for everyone," she shrugged. "That'd be like me saying I was a freak and no one wants me cause I got dumped by the Jolly Green Giant."
She sighed and nodded. "Okay," she said softly. "I just want someone to want me."
She huffed in frustration, "You are so damn irritating sometimes!" Yanking her friend up, she grabbed her cheeks and leaned in and just kissed her.
Santana squeaked as she was manhandled into a kiss with her best friend. She felt soft, slightly chapped lips against her own. Her hands tentatively slipped to rest on Quinn's shoulders as she gripped the other girl's shirt, not willing to let the kiss she had been wanting for so long be fleeting.
Quinn didn't really know what she was doing as her hands slid from Santana's cheeks to her neck, nails lightly scratching against the nape. She moved her lips against Santana's, heart thudding almost painfully loud in her chest. When the kiss had started, her eyes had been open, but as it continued and Santana didn't resist, she relaxed and they slid shut.
A tongue swept in between the two sets of lips, neither girl quite knowing who it belonged to at first. Mouths opened, and a soft whimper came from Santana's throat as she stroked Quinn's tongue with her own. She kissed her deeper, not wanting to miss any inch of Quinn's mouth that could be kissed.
She moaned softly, half pulling Santana on top of her as her hands slid down to cup her back. It wasn't what she'd been expecting - the other girl's lips were thin with weight loss and her teeth almost sharp as they teased her lower lip - but at the same time it was almost better. Too much better if the way her heart was thudding in her chest was any judge.
"San," she gasped, pulling away. "Santana, stop..."
Santana shook her head no while pressing soft kisses to Quinn's neck, "Please, no..." Her voice almost pleading to keep the connection between them.
"Please," she whispered, pushing gently at her shoulders. "I... I can't do more... not while I'm broken, San... Please..."
The small girl fell onto her back against the bed and nodded. She covered her face with her hands and curled her legs into her chest. A fear overtook her, that she had done something wrong, something unforgivable by kissing her friend. "I'm sorry."
"Why are you apologizing?" Quinn asked, hurt by how she'd pulled away. "Did I... was that wrong?" She swallowed, biting her lip. "I... maybe I should apologize but you shouldn't."
Santana hugged her knees, "It... it meant too much to me," she tried to breathe evenly even though her feelings scared her. "I felt... too much when that happened."
"It meant a lot to me too," she whispered, trying to pull Santana back. "I just... I can't do any more than that. Not... not when I'm like this..." She swallowed harshly, "Not when I'm only half of me, San... Please understand..."
"I know," Santana said as she curled back into Quinn.
"Why are you upset?" she asked softly, hugging her. "I... I thought it was nice..."
"I don't like feeling like this," She whispered against Quinn's neck, "I can't have what I want... It's not sex... I just... I want you."
"I," Quinn licked her lips. "I don't understand," she finally managed to whisper.
"Never mind," she whispered back, her hand tightening in Quinn's shirt. "I have you as a friend."
"Of course you do," she murmured, rubbing Santana's back. "I just wish I knew what you meant... Why can't you just tell me?"
"Hurts," She mumbled, "Don't want to lose you again."
"How could you?" she whispered, nuzzling the top of her head, "I'm right here. It's not like I can go anywhere," she joked feebly.
"Cause," Santana said, "I can't want to love another one of my friends."
"That's stupid," Quinn whispered, hugging her. "You can love whoever you want." Then it dawned on her, "Wait... you want... with me?" she asked hesitantly.
Santana just feebly nodded and tried to not cry, "I'm sorry."
She shook her head, "No, please don't apologize. I... I'm flattered," she smiled softly. "I just... San, I have to get better first. I can't even think about dating anyone while I'm still like this."
"I know," Santana said, trying to hide the fact her eyes were dripping with tears. "I'm... I'm sick, and... I need to focus on that," she lied as she tried to retain her composure.
"Hey," Quinn murmured, lifting her face up and wiping her tears away with a thumb, "none of that, 'kay? I didn't say no. I said that I can't say what I want until I'm better. We both need to get better. But... when I am. When we are," she licked her lips, smiling shyly at Santana, "please ask me again? Properly this time and not after blowing my mind with a kiss I can't even follow up on, okay?"
"If I'm brave enough," Santana whispered, before resting her head on Quinn's chest. "I know we need to be better... I know."
"Be brave enough," she whispered, kissing the top of her head. "I really need a goal like that to look forward to when my PT's the worst..."
"Okay, I'll try," she softly replied. "Just so you get better faster."
"Damn straight," she laughed softly, hugging her. "Who wouldn't get better faster with the incentive of Santana Lopez - possibly the sexiest girl at school - asking them out on a date at the end? That," she blushed, glancing at her with a shy smile, "that is what you want, right?"
"Yes," Santana said as she looked up through her eyelashes. "I want to actually be sexy again though... Not how I am now."
"Then you better get better too," she smiled lopsidedly. "After all, you gotta be looking forward to the answer I wanna give, right?"
She nodded and sighed before resting her head on Quinn's shoulder and closing her eyes. "I hope you remember when we come down..." she mumbled before she drifted off to sleep.
"I hope you remember," Quinn whispered, stroking her fingers through Santana's hair idly. "I'm not the one who forgets things when I'm high..." She sighed softly and turned her head to look at her friend's peaceful face as she slept. "You're gonna be so much trouble for me," she murmured before leaning in to gently brush her lips against Santana's. "Soft," she mumbled, reaching up to touch her lips with an odd sense of wonder before slipping off to sleep.
A couple hours later, Judy came in from her "book club" meeting to check on her daughter. She'd not answered when she called earlier, so she'd assumed she was sleeping. When she smelled the familiar scent of marijuana as she opened the door to the room, a brow raised, but she decided that she didn't have any place to tell Quinn how to live her life with her own addiction still very much in the forefront. When she noticed Santana sprawled out almost on top of her and the way her daughter's hand was tangled loosely in dark hair, the other brow rose but she very deliberately kept her mouth closed.
The two girls had always been close - even if Russell had been completely against the idea of his youngest daughter being friends with someone like that - and it hadn't been completely unusual to find them sleeping together most nights that Santana stayed over. There was just something about the way they were wrapped up together this time that seemed to strike a different chord. She shook her head, telling herself not to promote silly ideas as she moved the fan to more effectively blow the scent out of the room.
Picking up the blanket folded at the foot of the bed, she carefully unfolded it and draped it over the two sleeping girls. Quinn stirred slightly as she did. "Mom?" she whispered.
"Shh," Judy murmured, leaning down to kiss her forehead. "It's okay. Just go back to sleep, baby."
"Okay," she sighed, snuggling back into Santana and drifting back off.
The older blonde sighed softly to watch the two of them as the inkling of something happening between the friends grew in her mind. She just hoped that Russell would never find out if it was true. And that they'd get a chance to be safe and happy someday.