Twilight Movie: Uncensored review (bad words abound!)
Hokay so-
Here I am dusting off my livejournal for two reasons.
1. I don't have a webcam or else I'd vlog this.
2. I NEED TO RANT!
Let me start off with a disclaimer. I didn't hate the movie; definitely not. It may take another viewing (which I am bound to see- my mother couldn't go at midnight with my sister so when I come home for Thanksgiving she's dragging us both with her) for me to pass my complete judgment. And another thing, I love the Twilight series. They're amazing books. They are so poorly written, and I want nothing more than to punch Stephenie Meyer in the face and tell her off, and I STILL love them! Hell, I don't know how many times I tried futilely to defend Breaking Dawn while at Terminus- I am like a frakking Good Samaritan for this series. I went into the movie knowing full well that it was getting very luke warm reviews. I kept my expectations nice and low so that I wouldn't want my money back at the end.
So here's what I took away from the midnight showing of the movie.
-I realized that I have never voluntarily gone to see a chick flick. How do I know this? Because I was thoroughly disgusted by the amount of estrogen and cooing and giggling and awwing that happened BEFORE THE MOVIE EVEN STARTED! Like I am talking preview and AMC First Look reactionary noises. Obscene. I am embarrassed by my gender.
-So eventually the Half-Blood Prince trailer comes on (which I think alone was worth a ticket). I punched my fists in the air the second the WB logo flashed (as did one kindred spirit about 10 rows in front of me.) It took the rest of the fangirls about 10 seconds to pick up on what movie it was. Of course they all obviously love Harry Potter, as they showed it by cheering for the movie OVER Harry and Dumbledore's witty banter. I was all sorts of annoyed by that.
-Are Twilight fangirls dumb? I had an obnoxious trio behind me who spent the 45 minutes before the movie talking about how much they love the books and how much they know about them and trying to outdo each other in fan knowledge. And then, when Stephenie Meyer had her cameo (more on that below) it took them like 25 seconds to realize it was her. Seriously! There was some Charlie/Bella dialogue and one of them goes- "Hey I think that was the author!" Teenage girls are tools.
-That brings me to the movie itself. Let's start in the middle with SM's ridiculous cameo. She got a full on medium shot, in a bright red or purple whatever the fuck color it was shirt, and what should have just been a quick establishing shot was all "Here's your food STEPHENIE you awful cow." I may have paraphrased the quote a bit. I will say that she probably didn't chose how she'd be cameod, but really Catherine Hardwicke? Really? Was that even close to necessary?
-I was not pleased with Robert Pattinson's Edward 75% of the movie. His brood and awkwardness felt wrong; coupled with the worst American accent in the world. He didn't sound like he had a velvet voice to me. Once he and Bella were all openly together and joking and smiling he was fantastic. The scene where they walk into school together, and when he ambushes her washing her truck- those were all great. The rest of the time it was just off. Plus what was up with his crazy wide eyes stare every once in a while? Honestly, I thought he was The Grudge or something, it was pretty freaky.
-Kristen Stewart was also pretty meh (thank you dictionary inductees!) Although not as bad as the trailers made her out to be. But I think I liked her better in Panic Room and Zathura. And I don't really remember Panic Room. And I didn't see Zathura. Her acting was pretty wooden the entire movie, but her underplayed acting didn't bother me when compared with the odd that was Edward. She did have her outstanding moments: her phone conversations with Renee were always believable, as were her scenes with Charlie. She was pretty good at being in pain as well. I didn't buy their chemistry all the time either. Again, they had moments: the joking around, her introduction to the Cullen clan, the bedroom scene (the one in his room not hers- their first kiss was, again, meh.)
-The Cullen clan on the whole was pretty slick. Rosalie, Emmet, Alice, Carlisle, and Esme each stood out on their own. Jasper and his weirdo fucking hair not so much- but maybe if they had given him a whole line, he would have been fine. I think Alice and Jasper were both woefully underused as characters- they could have easily been given little things to do in the background like Kellan's Emmet. Also, Rosalie was pretty kick ass- Nikki and Kellan were the most dead-on page to screen characters IMO.
-If we're on the subject of the vamps can we talk about how bad that makeup was? Are they trying to put Maybelline out of business? I get that they're supposed to be white, the whole "they're dead" thing- I get it. But can we please get a makeup sponge and smooth that shit out next time? And because it was so bad it doesn't even deserve it's own paragraph let's talk the disaster that was the sparkle. My friend, who didn't read the books, said he didn't notice anything had even happened! Bella had to fucking say "YOU SPARKLE" with a camera zoom in order to see the tiny shimmer. Maybe they should have spent an even 40 million and touched that effect up a bit.
-Let's talk about the secondary cast- the best I've seen in a while. The trio of hunters were all pretty awesome. Rene and Phil were charming background, and Billy Burke as Charlie may have been my favorite. No wait- I take that back- how fucking hilarious was Jessica?! Every word out of her mouth had me laughing. I found myself looking forward to the school scenes (even though they also involved a weirdly flamboyant and Asian Eric...interesting choice?) Billy Black and Jacob were also pretty good. We barely saw them, but if the movie manages to gross enough, and we get a New Moon, I'm fairly excited to replace Edward with Jacob (which is all sorts of wrong for me- when I read New Moon I skip the middle. Shows how uninspiring I found Rob's Edward to be.) That being said, what was up with the funny looking Quilleute boys? I don't mean to be a shallow fangirl about this but...um...yeah...not so much.
-The entire scene in the ballet studio kicked ass. And what makes that a little sad to me was that I'm almost positive that was the first thing they shot. It was all downhill after that, folks! Cam's James was super slick and vile (and if you haven't noticed, I'm not looking up actor names I'm going on memory alone- forgive me for not remembering any last names). His taunting Bella was awesome and creepy. Her in pain acting, getting tossed around and battered was super believable. Edward flying in to kick some vamp ass was awesome, as was the arrival of the rest of the Cullens (kudos to showing that awesome neck snap! even if it's not possible in the land of the books).
-The displaced music was a bit of a let down. I did like the intertwining of Bella's (totally glossed over) lullaby from the scene in the treetops into the piano playing. Other than that, it was like watching a Lifetime movie or UPN after school special. It was often too loud, came in or ended abruptly, didn't fit the mood of the scene: all in all kind of suckish- no matter what Hot Topic and EW.com would have you believe.
I think I'm at the end here. There is probably a shit ton I missed, but I got the gist of it. There was a lot wrong with this movie (oh wait! The god awful delivery of the world's CHESSIEST fucking lion/lamb quote. I know it's a bad line guys, but you could have at least tried!) After spewing all this I find myself wanting to see it again. Well smack me down and call me a built-in audience, but I can't help it. With all that was bad there was so much for a fan to enjoy. In all the ups in downs in our relationship I've never once denied being a Twilighter (I think the word Twihard needs to be burned and stuffed down SM's throat- how's that for a visual?) With all the HP v Twilight nonsense that's abounded I find myself not really caring. See, let them make all the mediocre movies out of a bunch of mediocre books and let them compare a hack of a writer to a real talent all they want. Twilight isn't going to surpass Harry Potter, not in any sense, so I don't mind supporting it.
That and maybe if I see it a couple more times, and it manages to gross a nice chunk of change, the effects budget for New Moon won't be laughable!
Here I am dusting off my livejournal for two reasons.
1. I don't have a webcam or else I'd vlog this.
2. I NEED TO RANT!
Let me start off with a disclaimer. I didn't hate the movie; definitely not. It may take another viewing (which I am bound to see- my mother couldn't go at midnight with my sister so when I come home for Thanksgiving she's dragging us both with her) for me to pass my complete judgment. And another thing, I love the Twilight series. They're amazing books. They are so poorly written, and I want nothing more than to punch Stephenie Meyer in the face and tell her off, and I STILL love them! Hell, I don't know how many times I tried futilely to defend Breaking Dawn while at Terminus- I am like a frakking Good Samaritan for this series. I went into the movie knowing full well that it was getting very luke warm reviews. I kept my expectations nice and low so that I wouldn't want my money back at the end.
So here's what I took away from the midnight showing of the movie.
-I realized that I have never voluntarily gone to see a chick flick. How do I know this? Because I was thoroughly disgusted by the amount of estrogen and cooing and giggling and awwing that happened BEFORE THE MOVIE EVEN STARTED! Like I am talking preview and AMC First Look reactionary noises. Obscene. I am embarrassed by my gender.
-So eventually the Half-Blood Prince trailer comes on (which I think alone was worth a ticket). I punched my fists in the air the second the WB logo flashed (as did one kindred spirit about 10 rows in front of me.) It took the rest of the fangirls about 10 seconds to pick up on what movie it was. Of course they all obviously love Harry Potter, as they showed it by cheering for the movie OVER Harry and Dumbledore's witty banter. I was all sorts of annoyed by that.
-Are Twilight fangirls dumb? I had an obnoxious trio behind me who spent the 45 minutes before the movie talking about how much they love the books and how much they know about them and trying to outdo each other in fan knowledge. And then, when Stephenie Meyer had her cameo (more on that below) it took them like 25 seconds to realize it was her. Seriously! There was some Charlie/Bella dialogue and one of them goes- "Hey I think that was the author!" Teenage girls are tools.
-That brings me to the movie itself. Let's start in the middle with SM's ridiculous cameo. She got a full on medium shot, in a bright red or purple whatever the fuck color it was shirt, and what should have just been a quick establishing shot was all "Here's your food STEPHENIE you awful cow." I may have paraphrased the quote a bit. I will say that she probably didn't chose how she'd be cameod, but really Catherine Hardwicke? Really? Was that even close to necessary?
-I was not pleased with Robert Pattinson's Edward 75% of the movie. His brood and awkwardness felt wrong; coupled with the worst American accent in the world. He didn't sound like he had a velvet voice to me. Once he and Bella were all openly together and joking and smiling he was fantastic. The scene where they walk into school together, and when he ambushes her washing her truck- those were all great. The rest of the time it was just off. Plus what was up with his crazy wide eyes stare every once in a while? Honestly, I thought he was The Grudge or something, it was pretty freaky.
-Kristen Stewart was also pretty meh (thank you dictionary inductees!) Although not as bad as the trailers made her out to be. But I think I liked her better in Panic Room and Zathura. And I don't really remember Panic Room. And I didn't see Zathura. Her acting was pretty wooden the entire movie, but her underplayed acting didn't bother me when compared with the odd that was Edward. She did have her outstanding moments: her phone conversations with Renee were always believable, as were her scenes with Charlie. She was pretty good at being in pain as well. I didn't buy their chemistry all the time either. Again, they had moments: the joking around, her introduction to the Cullen clan, the bedroom scene (the one in his room not hers- their first kiss was, again, meh.)
-The Cullen clan on the whole was pretty slick. Rosalie, Emmet, Alice, Carlisle, and Esme each stood out on their own. Jasper and his weirdo fucking hair not so much- but maybe if they had given him a whole line, he would have been fine. I think Alice and Jasper were both woefully underused as characters- they could have easily been given little things to do in the background like Kellan's Emmet. Also, Rosalie was pretty kick ass- Nikki and Kellan were the most dead-on page to screen characters IMO.
-If we're on the subject of the vamps can we talk about how bad that makeup was? Are they trying to put Maybelline out of business? I get that they're supposed to be white, the whole "they're dead" thing- I get it. But can we please get a makeup sponge and smooth that shit out next time? And because it was so bad it doesn't even deserve it's own paragraph let's talk the disaster that was the sparkle. My friend, who didn't read the books, said he didn't notice anything had even happened! Bella had to fucking say "YOU SPARKLE" with a camera zoom in order to see the tiny shimmer. Maybe they should have spent an even 40 million and touched that effect up a bit.
-Let's talk about the secondary cast- the best I've seen in a while. The trio of hunters were all pretty awesome. Rene and Phil were charming background, and Billy Burke as Charlie may have been my favorite. No wait- I take that back- how fucking hilarious was Jessica?! Every word out of her mouth had me laughing. I found myself looking forward to the school scenes (even though they also involved a weirdly flamboyant and Asian Eric...interesting choice?) Billy Black and Jacob were also pretty good. We barely saw them, but if the movie manages to gross enough, and we get a New Moon, I'm fairly excited to replace Edward with Jacob (which is all sorts of wrong for me- when I read New Moon I skip the middle. Shows how uninspiring I found Rob's Edward to be.) That being said, what was up with the funny looking Quilleute boys? I don't mean to be a shallow fangirl about this but...um...yeah...not so much.
-The entire scene in the ballet studio kicked ass. And what makes that a little sad to me was that I'm almost positive that was the first thing they shot. It was all downhill after that, folks! Cam's James was super slick and vile (and if you haven't noticed, I'm not looking up actor names I'm going on memory alone- forgive me for not remembering any last names). His taunting Bella was awesome and creepy. Her in pain acting, getting tossed around and battered was super believable. Edward flying in to kick some vamp ass was awesome, as was the arrival of the rest of the Cullens (kudos to showing that awesome neck snap! even if it's not possible in the land of the books).
-The displaced music was a bit of a let down. I did like the intertwining of Bella's (totally glossed over) lullaby from the scene in the treetops into the piano playing. Other than that, it was like watching a Lifetime movie or UPN after school special. It was often too loud, came in or ended abruptly, didn't fit the mood of the scene: all in all kind of suckish- no matter what Hot Topic and EW.com would have you believe.
I think I'm at the end here. There is probably a shit ton I missed, but I got the gist of it. There was a lot wrong with this movie (oh wait! The god awful delivery of the world's CHESSIEST fucking lion/lamb quote. I know it's a bad line guys, but you could have at least tried!) After spewing all this I find myself wanting to see it again. Well smack me down and call me a built-in audience, but I can't help it. With all that was bad there was so much for a fan to enjoy. In all the ups in downs in our relationship I've never once denied being a Twilighter (I think the word Twihard needs to be burned and stuffed down SM's throat- how's that for a visual?) With all the HP v Twilight nonsense that's abounded I find myself not really caring. See, let them make all the mediocre movies out of a bunch of mediocre books and let them compare a hack of a writer to a real talent all they want. Twilight isn't going to surpass Harry Potter, not in any sense, so I don't mind supporting it.
That and maybe if I see it a couple more times, and it manages to gross a nice chunk of change, the effects budget for New Moon won't be laughable!