[Supernatural fanfic] The Greatest Fall -Part One
Disclaimer: Don't own Supernatural. The title of the story comes from a (very good, but irrelevant to the plot) song from Fleetwood Mac, called "Smile at You." Will contain 5.16 spoilers.
Author's note: Funny thing -this fic was supposed to be just about Cas falling from grace, and then I watched last night's episode, and it became a two-shot about him falling from grace AND about him falling from his faith. Odd how those things happen...
I:
Anna falls.
Everyone knows of it. It has been a long, long time even for angels since a sibling has Disobeyed.
In the time that follows, Castiel loses track of how often he is asked if she had shown signs of her discontentment to him. The words hurt, much more than they should.
She must have, of course, but he can't recall anything. Castiel hadn't watched closely enough. He hadn't stopped her.
Anna falls, and Castiel stays behind, but somehow Heaven doesn't seem as bright, and for the first time he dares to wonder if Earth holds something Paradise doesn't.
II:
Heaven is with him even in Hell; it is inside him, for he is from his Father and his Father is All- but even so, Castiel feels disconnected by the blood and darkness; by Alastair and his hordes' fury as they are forced back.
He barely acknowledges that, though; for he must not know Fear, must not be made less than a Son of Heaven.
He clasps a hand around Dean Winchester's pathetically broken soul; reminds himself that Father and his Siblings are always with him (but even so, Heaven has never seemed as far away as it does now.)
III:
For the first time (and not just in the thousands of years they have served together, but in eternity) Castiel doubts Uriel.
This is wrong, he tells himself, for Uriel fought Lucifer, and Uriel was repentant when his words guided the Fallen One to Eden. Uriel is dedicated. Uriel is Good.
And yet… Castiel wonders; wonders if Uriel's pleasure comes from destroying Earth, or from the servitude of Heaven.
He is disappointed, not surprised, when his suspicions are confirmed.
(Doubt in one's Brothers and Sisters is the first step towards falling, but is that still true if they were correct?)
IV:
Humans need to connect, Castiel thinks as he watches Dean and Sam. Of course, he's realized this before, but he sees it better when he watches just one soul.
He wonders if angels need that. To really connect seems to require work to be put into a relationship, and yet he cannot remember when he wasn't taking his Siblings for granted, and giving them equal love in response. Does he care for them from habit or truth?
When he tells Dean his doubts about Heaven, there is a silent response in Dean's eyes, and he suddenly understands what connection is.
V:
If Castiel were to think about what he is doing, he would surely stop and be reasonable.
Zachariah is his Superior. It is not within his rights to question his judgment, let alone go against direct orders.
And so he doesn't think; he just does, and writes the sigil on the wall.
The look of shock and hatred on the face of his high-ranking Brother as he is vanquished home haunts him, but he does not; cannot, let it disable him.
He takes Dean and he leaves, and he succeeds in getting away and (because?) he doesn't consider the consequences.